Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a young woman whom we’ll call “Krista.” She needs support. If you have any words of encouragement, please offer them.
I am so lost and upset. I am 22, I was with a guy for about a year ”¦ he swept me off my feet with his charm and seemingly genuine character. I am a good girl, never got into anything bad, partied in college but never got in trouble. I met my ex out of pure boredom, knew him from high school (he had a terrible “bad boy” reputation). He literally said all the right things, charmed me and I fell hard.
He got me with his sad story too (his mom passed away when he was 10 from a heroin overdose, and has 5 siblings and grew up very poor). He is an alcoholic, an ex coke head and E head ”¦ I started dating him knowing he was going into rehab and a halfway house (court ordered, he is on felony probation) ”¦ He said I was his angel and I gave his “lost soul” something to work hard for ”¦ my background in school is sociology and psychology and I come from a very good, close family ”¦ I really thought I could help him ”¦
For about 2 months everything was great even though he was not anywhere near my intellectual level (not bragging AT ALL), but I just blamed it on his past drug use and environmental factors from childhood and looked past it ”¦ Anyways, things went really bad, really quick. He got kicked out of the halfway house after about 2 months for running his mouth to a counselor ”¦ and he moved into my apartment with me (stupid idea, i know) ”¦
Bad behavior
Well ”¦ he started to beg to drink and hey, I’m 22 and I only knew him for 2 months at that point, I didn’t know if he was truly an alcoholic ”¦ well he is 100% ”¦
I remember the first time we went out and drank. He thought someone made a comment to me and he smashed the entire back windshield off a random car downtown, fled the scene and left me alone in the street and I had to meet him at the hospital ”¦ it was awful ”¦ and he cried and begged me to stay and said how sorry he was and I gave him another chance ”¦
After that I made him a resume so he could get a job, and we sent an email to a potential job for him. When I checked the “sent” box to make sure the attachment sent ”¦ I found 2 sexually explicit emails he sent out to MEN off a Craigslist ad looking for sex!?!?!?!
I immediately freaked out and didn’t know what to do, he denied it (he’s a pathological liar, lies about everything) ”¦ It took about 3 hours for him to finally admit that he was bi-sexual and had been with men. Well ”¦ I kicked him out that day, but it didn’t last ”¦ He cried and begged and said I was everything to him ”¦ and I took him back thinking MAYBE it could work if we went to counseling to try to figure out why he has sexual desires toward men.
Another apartment
Well we never went to counseling ”¦ we moved into another apartment together (BIG MISTAKE) ”¦ I wanted him to be the man I fell in love with, with all that charm and saying all the right things. He always said all the right things, his actions didn’t.
After we moved in with each other, over the course of about 9 months, I found probably 40 Facebook messages to other women (to me that’s cheating, whether he pursued it or not). He stole 23 of my prescribed Xanax (denied it, but I found the texts proving him selling them for adderal), text message from a girl at work, etc.
I tried breaking up with him several times ”¦ an example of how it went when I tried to break up with him includes: holding a butcher knife to his throat, dragging his head on the pavement out of my drivers side door, choking himself with my seatbelt, smashing a mirror over his head causing a concussion and another hospital trip, begging, promising the world to me, etc. He literally messed up 100 times, and then manipulated the living crap out of me to try to get me back each time.
Wanted to believe
I wanted to believe him SO bad that he would change and just be the nice guy he is 75% of the time. Well ”¦ I was miserable every day of my life, I didn’t know how to leave, I was scared to leave, I still “loved” him (really I just loved the idea of what I wish he was) ”¦
Finally about 6 weeks ago he really blew it over the edge. He started to bring cocaine into the apartment, started spending his entire paycheck at the bar, etc. Well this one particular night he drank about 15 beers, half a bottle of liquor then about 6 more drinks at the bar when we went out ”¦ He flirted with a girl (which I later found out he cheated on me with a week before I broke up with him) for about 4 hours in front of my face at the bar as I cried and begged them both to stop ”¦
The night ended with a phone call to the cops. He fled the scene and went god knows where ”¦ and I called my mom and we waited until 10 a.m. for him to finally get home and I broke up with him and asked him to pack his stuff and leave. He left, in a very cocky manner, denying that he did ANYTHING wrong ”¦
Harassment
Then, over a 5-week span after the breakup, he started “dating” her (he denied that), he posted himself on Craigslist for hookups with men, he committed harassment, aggravated harassment, and stalking to me, consisting of about 700 phones calls, 350 texts, 50 Facebook messages, emails, showing up at my apartment, 7 suicide threats (I’m on the train tracks and can hear it coming, I’m going to hang myself in the back yard, “I hope you like killing me”), etc. etc. etc. ”¦
Well I stayed strong for about 2 weeks ”¦ then he left a voicemail saying he got arrested and was going to go to jail for at least 1-3 years and “if you ever cared about me, call me back” ”¦ I called him back and had him come over ”¦ BIG MISTAKE ”¦
I contacted his probation officer and told her to leave my name out of anything because he clearly is getting into trouble on his own ”¦ Well once he had probation, the day after I had him over ”¦ he called screaming at me, saying the “arrest story” was a big LIE (to manipulate me into talking to him) ”¦ and his probation officer called me and said he lied (she’s not happy with him) ”¦ after that he still called over 300 times and contacted my friends to relay messages to me, etc.
Order of protection
Well I filed for an order of protection and finally THIS MORNING I had court to finalize a “full stay away for one year””¦ I saw him at court today for the first time in 3 weeks ”¦ It was AWFUL, he came in whistling, cocky, and gave the judge responses like “yup, nope.” It was terrible. The guards/cops came up to me afterwards and told me they got a good laugh at him because of his clearly controlling, manipulative, immature behavior.
Anyways ”¦ I guess I’m writing because I am having a hard night ”¦ I KNOW I clearly made the right decision by leaving him and getting the restraining order, but seeing him today at court was AWFUL. I can’t help but to still wish he was the sweet, “genuine” person I fell for ”¦ but he’s not.
My therapist is convinced that my ex is a narcissistic sociopath who is heavily emotionally and verbally abusive ”¦ I don’t know ”¦ I just am SO scared to ever love again, SO scared I am going to fall for another jerk. I want revenge and to tell all his friends that he is bi ”¦ I don’t know anymore ”¦ I just want to stop dwelling ”¦ help?
eg88: yes, dear…just remember the more contact you have with “IT” the more you are opening that door to more of the same. I was thinking, this morning, over coffee and I came to a realization regarding my situation and that realization is this:
“I” wouldn’t have gotten involved with him in the first place, if he had been up front and told me he was married. It’s a little too late after someone has gotten you to fall in love with them and after they have manipulated you so well, to back away from those feelings and emotions. (And I will have to remember to blog this before I get away with my day; because this is an important realization…) I WOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED IF “IT” HAD NOT BEEN PUTTING IT OUT THERE. PERIOD. How dare him try turning this around on me. HOW DARE HIM! He tells lies. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. HE IS A LIE.
Ha: what a realization over coffee; right? 🙂
I hope your weekend goes well eg88…you be careful and don’t make waves. Thank you for your wishes…I will remember you in my prayers over the weekend and wish you nothing but joy and a way past this. You deserve a good life. YOU REMEMBER THAT!
DUPED
How dare him is right!! I always used to say that to my ex, “how dare you”. And yes, they are one HUGE lie! Even the smallest things noone would ever think to lie about, they lie about! It is disgusting and disgraceful.
So the wedding was amazing and I came to the realization that….7 weeks ago (from today) I broke up with my ex…If I had to go to that wedding between 3 and 7 weeks ago…I would have been a wreck. BUT I had an AMAZING time with family!! I danced, enjoyed life, great food and drinks, etc! I also realized how incredibly happy I am for those (like my cousin) who found a true and wonderful man and that they are so happy. Infact, I am so happy now. I got him out of my life and I am alive again, I was dead with him. Life is looking up. 🙂
Oh yes, eg88, life is definitely looking up! 🙂 yay!
I was just having my morning coffee, enjoying listening to the birds waking up and thinking to myself:
“YAY! I AM FREE OF IT!!!” YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kind of gives me ‘glee’ as I had as a small child when I JUST KNEW something exciting was coming along! 🙂
Keep up the momentum, eg88, and NO CONTACT.
Thanks for letting me know how your night went…
Sounds like you had an amazing time; keep it up! 🙂
I am starting to realize that ‘back door’ contact is equally as devastating. I think it was Oxy who said: “NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT; no back door stuff!” And that is correct.
The only way to get out of it and over it is to just refuse to participate in the roadshow. Yes, you are right, eg88: they ARE one HUGE LIE after another. Right, they even tell STUPID lies that they know are not true. And then CONVINCE themselves that the lies they are telling are the truth. That is what makes them such amazing actors/actresses. That would be a good line of work for them if they didn’t have so many other issues. 🙂
Have a HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND eg88!
Brush that ‘trite’ right off your shoulder and move along…
YOU can do better, just like I can…
BEING ALONE is better! xxoo
DUPED
I have been sad for 2 days, especially tonight. My mom moved out of our apartment yesterday and I miss her and the company…so that could be a factor. Also, he has messaged me about 7 times…calling me terrible names, then saying he loves me forever and thinks about me 24/7….why am I missing him? I HATE nights like this, I thought they were over. I am truly sad, lonely and missing him. Why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? This is so unfair…its been 7 weeks…I thought I was over these bad nights…
Iam a lady, now 50, with congental dislocation of the hips, and have operations every 7 years, taking it unturn for one. I have 2 fushed discs in my back, a lap banding, had a tummy tuck, 2 fushed discs in my neck. When I gave birth tomy son, without the father of a six year relationship, he ran from me, preg witha bad back, my son had to be fostered out for 3 months, at 18 months old. He is now 23. He also has a mentalillness, which has been very hard on me, with all my ops. I was like a model, ontill I had an operation that went very wrong. I was not only in pain every day, but couldnt do anything, I went from 60ks to 124ks, of course I was depressed ontop.every time I had to have a op. My son had to get looked after by strangers. He was also bulled at school, about how quite he was and how fat his mother was. Anyhow I had a lapbanding done, and lost real fast 30ks, got my self a lawer to fight my case it was real black and white. ( I can write about that later if any one wants to know) This went on for about 6 years, the lawer had problems, never on time, always losing things, telling me he didnt sleep, sorry for his sorry for that. I tryed to change lawers but no win no fee, and I would have to pay him out, so I was stuck. THen I meet my lovefrand, I meet him at the pokies, It was the only thing I could do besides, paint, read, all boring stuff, any how, I was additted to the pokies well I thought I was.. explain later. He was so nice, so charming, rang me all the time, went to the doctors with me, ran after my son down the street on time, when he was having one of his fits with knifes, he took the load off of me, charmed him down, excepted that I would need opertions, he told me he would even be with me even if I was in a wheel chair, that he would even become my carrer if needed. He looked after me though an opertion, looking after me totaly. He was wonderful, we got engaged, I was on cloud nine. If I won my case, we would get married straight away, and he said, even if I lost tthere was a bad up, his place, he would sell it and we still could get married. We went to the pokies, but I would always have just what I could afford, he was always borrowing from me, pay me back, borrow. After 3 years of being with him, I lost my court case. Then he changed, he got moody, he wouldnt talk and when he did it was about money, why did I buy this, dont show it to me, about how much I was asking from him each week, I looked after him he never payed or looked after my neededs and wants. He just payed for his food and expences. He resented every giving me any thing in gifts, he started to blame me for every thing. except breathing in and out, which he would have if he could have.
It got to the point I asked him to leave, It killed me, I was so much in love. really this is what he had wanted. It wasnt long and he was back again saying he was sorry, he loved me once he could again, he was so f##k** up that no one would ever want him, at least we didnt have affairs, so I hought we were making up, with him living at his place and me at mine. A couple of days went by and I hadnt heard from him, so I went to his place, he went off his head, about Xmas presents we payed for, so I offered the money back. But then he said.. did you ever think I was ever going to sell my place and live with you! betrayed. the whole 4 years a total lie, I went home crying my eyes out. Then about 2 hours later I get on my mobile, from his mobile, would you please stop storking love fraud, I am having a relationship with him, and I adore him. I kept smsing over and over, give me back the money, he was put in a postion that he had to give it back. Then I didnt see him for 6 months. In those 6 months, I got depressed again,my pain level has gone up due to stress, on 40mgs of morfine every hour. I couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt clean house, and I am an house prod person. I was a total mess, I lost weight with not eating now 75kgs, but that ok, but it shouldnt have been done like that. I couldnt go out. Family and friends, well I lost friends, and family just sick of hearing it, (just move on) xmas came, and I had crisco food delivered, far too much of it, and 3 months of it was his that he payed for. so I sms have crisco food of yours. will put it on your door step 5mins before your home, so you dont even have to see me. He got back and said I was a life saver, he was having problems at work may not get xmas pay,ect as the company was in liquidation, he may lose his job. I had stopped playing the pokies, which was good, but it was cos I didnt want to leave the house any more. I knew it was part bull, but still gave him extra food ontop. I knew he lost his money to pokies. That was it it was all on again, He is so sorry for the things he said, never say never, I just might come back, she is not what I want not for the long run. lets be friends, So we became friends, then lovers, ( I would never dream of doing what I found my self doing) but I was hoping he was going to come back, and be that charming man I meet again. 7 months went past, Yep only 2 weeks ago this happened. I told him, its her or me, if you come back I want you to get help, as your hurting others and yourself, I feel for the other woman, as she must be in pain too. I thought I would drive to the pokies to see if he was there, yes he was, tapped him on the shoulder, he jumped out of his skin, only playing a little, I told him well you can buy me a drink then carnt you, he told me the telling machine was in there, but he brought one for me, after I gave a look that would kill. I asked has he been thinking what he wants? He said hasnt had time, his parents are sick, and dad maybe dying, soory no excuse me being here. We went out side with the drink, I said I just wish you would talk to me, he said I have to keep a low profile. ( brake up or not he wouldnt want to be the bad guy having an affair on her) he told me she and he had, had massive arguments over me. This also has made him not be able to think clear. You see when he meet her, he lied about me in all ways, money, and storking, which was untrue. So he would want her to know he has been seeing me and would have to deny it. But the poor woman nows in her heart, and she is also like me now, Mr charmer has grabbed hold of her heart to, and dosent want to know. ( sometimes I feel like telling her) as she also has a bad back, and one hip, and might have a work cover pay out, plus she is paying off her own unit. So I said so you no what you want then, as 2 weeks have passed. He said no he still dosent no what he wants. I left, I had not even go back home and he sms me, I can come around if you like. The man I still love, is having us both on now,cake and eat it too. I am now trying my hardest to no have him in my life any more. But I am so upset that he has wasted 6 years of my use of my legs, and I will be in a wheel chair soon, and it will be so hard to find myself another man to except my problems, plus to trust someone else, flowers gifts, even fantastic actions, can mean nothing.
Blond- Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you have all these ailing medical conditions on top of dealing with a spath. I am also very sorry that it has only 2 weeks fresh, although I know you have been suffering from him for much longer. I remember being 2 weeks in and feeling just awful. Please, please, please don’t go back to him. And please, please please cut ALL contact with him, you may get harassed but please stay as strong as you possibly can, it will help speed the recovery process. You can block his number/s through your phone plan too. He is running back and forth between you two because when one woman doesn’t give him something he wants or can be in control of…he runs to the other, and so on and so forth. That is so unhealthy, degrading and disgusting to have to go through. We have all been there, he will NEVER change…and don’t worry about her…she will find out on her own time how deranged he is. Please focus on yourself, your health, and your recovery. If you are able to, seek a therapist…they can really help. In the meantime focus on each day, each hour, each minute instead of dwelling on “wasting” time with him (you didn’t waste ANY time with him, HE wasted time with a woman who saw right through him and he LOST) and you will learn the most valuable lessons from this situation. Yes, it feels awful now…but you are STRONG and did the right thing. PLEASE stay strong…the cycle would have NEVER changed if you stayed with him. GOODLUCK in your healing journey…we are here to talk.
July 6 –
“Pity me the heart that is slow to learn what the swift mind beholds at every turn” – Edna St Vincent Millay
It’s the same for all of us. Somteimes we know very well that a decision must be made long before we’re emotionally ready to carry it out. Perhaps a health crisis demands a new way of life, or maybe the time has come to terminate a toxic relationship. Whatever the issue, the conflict is the same – the mind has decided to let go, but the heart hangs on.
We shouldn’t be surprised at this phenomenon, or too disappointed in ourselves. Of course there’s a lag between knowing and doing. As in all other aspects of working a program, admission comes before acceptance, rarely alongside it.
While it lasts, the conflict is painful. But it doesn’t last forever. If we keep pushing toward truth, our emotions will let go of our unrealistic fantasies, and harmony will be restored.
I am willing to work and wait for inner harmony – I know that it will come.
Thank you for reading my comment, (its not nice) but is nice to know there is people that understand, the pain, the sadness, and the emotions we go through, and why we still keep going back. It takes just that last kick up the arse, the just one more thing and so much strenth to say no. no more. thats why I understand you eg88. which that we lived near, so we could support each other. Just thank god there is this. Love blog. people reading, you should see, what a sociopath does to you. there so cruel, and you just dont get it, how could they do this to me. What did I do wrong. Well we dont do any thing wrong. and still we love them.
No problem Blond, I wish the best for you…and myself…and anyone who has dealt with a lunatic/sociopathic/jerk! I meant to also tell you, if you have a YWCA around you, you can go see a “domestic violence advocate”. That’s one of the places I went for help along with the meetings I attend and therapy sessions. Believe it or not…you were 100% in a domestic violence relationship. Domestic violence isn’t just physical…its emotional, manipulation, mental abuse as well…which is severely painful for us…I told my EX once, “I’d rather you beat me right now than treat me the way you do”–that was one of the lowest I felt…at that point I knew I had died and he was winning. Whether the women at the YWCA have dealt with sociopaths, or just plain abusers…they understand on a BIG level. Stay strong, and keep NO contact…if he is starving, bleeding, dying, helpless, homeless HE will use, manipulate and control someELSE to get his needs met. NOT YOU anymore!!!! WE deserve good lives, we are strong, intelligent women who escaped the grasp of evil, heartless men!
Well shit hit the fan, seen him in at the doctors, and spoke for awhile when leaving. We were seen by his other woman. I told him she seen me. later when he got home, he txt, yep she bloody seen you. I wrote back, well its probley time to tell her the truth, see if she understands like I did, ( she already had a feeling about us) as he said they aruged over me. But later when I drove past, we all live about 1k apart so we have to drive past each others place, but I did have a good look. Yep all is well, he has no light on, and its been a few hours and he has managed to bull shit and lie to her face. You wait and see the abuse I will get tomorrow when he is at work, thats when he sms me. It will be all my fault. He is the lier. Having me on for 7 months, saying to me that he is not really wanting to be with her not for the long run. Any how I will not take it, I will not answer any thing. But I may get her coming down one day. I am not affaid of her, just I think he has rubbished me that much, she will be in a rage, I will talk carmly to her, not let her in, cos of my health problems, (which she wouldnt no about) but tell her I am not the emery here. I feel for you, just as much as myself, if she wants to no the truth, then I will tell her every thing. but if she screams, I will tell her she will have to find out the hard way like I did, and swollow it. As for me, I am so sad. this shit head grabbed my heart so much. Now its come to a head, and He makes out to every one Iam a bitch, and I got him into money problems, he turned every thing around, so he turnes out to be the good guy, me the trouble maker. In away I wish she would knock on my door. like us all though, I dont think she wants to know. This is the lady that sms me, to tell me to leave them alone they are having a relationship and adored him. when he just seen me a couple of days before, and made love, and a few weeks before that was saying he was sorry to me, and was making up again, she totally freaked me out. I didnt know he was saying sorry to me, and beeing with a new woman as well. I put it down to, back then he had rebounded. I mean she only lived 2 doors away from him. Any how I am still full of excuses, I know. I hurt so much, and he is such a lier. see waht happens over the next few days. keep you informed. If any thing happens to me also I have wrote it on here. I have also told my parents just incase. He has done some terrable things, to people for drugs in his past, so you may never no. One hit to my head, and I could die. I might be over doing things, but I have never had this situation with him ever before. maybe nothing will happen????