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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I feel stupid that I was blind

Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Roger.”

I am writing this from Tokyo, Japan and would like to tell you about my experience with a person that “conned” me.

Last year I experienced having a very short relationship with a lady that fits the description of being a sociopath: has no heart, no conscience and no remorse. In addition, now I know that she thought nothing of lying, cheating and stealing my money!

I met this lady, who is a full-time lecturer at a university here in Tokyo (as am I) at a dinner party in June last year. It was arranged by a person whom I know (and trusted) and his wife, and they were trying play “Cupid.” He, too, is a professor at a university here in Tokyo.

They knew that I had just experienced a terrible six months: the death of my father, the break-up of a six year relationship, the earthquake here in Japan, and that I was going through a very low patch in my life. Also, that she was single.

First request for money

After a month of dating, I received a call from her in a hysterical state that the local government had gone into her account and taken taxes that she owed (This has actually happened to friends of mine, so I had no reason to doubt it!) and this was money that she had promised her family.

With all her academic credentials, I thought I could trust her and I would do the right thing as a friend and offer her a short-term loan to help her family.

Well she agreed to accept my offer, however, this is where the first “red flag” came up, but I chose to ignore it! She asked for the loan in cash, as she stated it would be easier to transfer the money into her overseas bank account.

Now when I look back at the whole situation, I feel “stupid” and that I was “blind,” as I was looking for something that definitely was not there—a balanced relationship.

Trusting her and being in the middle of moving house, I did not think of asking her for an I.O.U, due to so much was going on in my life at the time. My mind was “all over the place.” I still do now know why I did not hand write one and get her to sign it.

Then for the next several weeks after this, when we met, there were several angry and hysterical scenes on her behalf and it got to a point that I had to say that we should just be friends. I could not tolerate her actions; she knew that I was exhausted and had no energy to argue back.

Here is where I should have completely cut off all contact with her, however, the amount that I lent her was too much to walk away from, so I tried to be friends with her.

Second request for money

Then after several weeks she informed me that she had work problems and health problems and did not have money to cover her medical and study commitments; she now asked for a loan and stated that she would repay all the amount owing in the following months.

When we next met, I asked her to give me an I.O.U., and she went into this trust episode and I thought that it would be disrespectful of me to create a public scene. My stupidity again!

We came to agreement that she would start repaying the amount back as soon as possible, and that she had a few other things to sort out.

Luckily, the second loan I made was via a bank transfer, so it has been documented.

As I did not hear from her for several weeks, I approached her and asked her to start repaying me, so that we can go our separate ways.

Denied the loans

This is when the “fun” began! She totally denied that any money had been loaned to her. She said she owed me nothing and that everything was finished, and that I should go on with my life and stop harassing her. She actually went to the police and filed a formal harassment complaint. The police have called me several times.

I am now in legal proceedings against her, and she is saying the first loan never happened and that the second loan was me repaying a loan that I had with her. Also, that I bought stamps from her (I have no idea where that came from) and that all the “crisis happenings” above never happened! She had never had any tax problems, health, work or family issues.

This is where I should have kept her e-mails (in my anger I deleted all her emails, however, luckily I kept the ones that I sent her). Now that we are in court, she has produced photocopied SMS dialogue that I can only assumed were Photoshopped, and when I (via my lawyer) asked her to produce the phone in court, I was informed that the messages had been deleted. (How appropriate!)

Here is where the whole matter can be clarified, as in the actual SMS dialogues we had, she mentions that she will repay the loan. However,the court will not subpoena the telephone dialogue, as in Japan there is obviously an amount before they will do that (the eyes of the law are not equal in some cases).

The legal proceedings are still ongoing and according my lawyer, because she is so vague and even though her credibilty is in question, she may get away with this “scam;” in Japan the law tends to be very kind to women and does not believe that they could be so calculating.


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Truthspeak

Roger, I am so terribly sorry that you experienced this. I’m also sorry that this happened overseas. Have you asked your attorney about speaking to the press? Since there hasn’t been a “conviction,” that may be an issue. Is there a way to press criminal charges? I’m just asking, as I’m in a similar situation with a soon-to-be-ex that raided my private (individual) investment accounts and there appears to be no legal remedy.

You weren’t “blind,” nor were you “stupid.” You were trusting the integrity of a colleague. That an “educated” professional or professor might not be “trustworthy” hardly ever occurs to most people. The fact is that schools and university environments are a hotbed of spathy – these are people who have “The Knowledge” that they impart in classes and lectures. They have “education” and, therefore, MUST have integrity. You simply trusted, that’s all, and she took advantage of that trust.

Again, I’m so sorry to read of your experiences, and I hope that you keep coming back to this site.

Brightest blessings, and best wishes on your case – may she be exposed for what she is.

IMconfused

Roger,
I’ve learned that my SP’s favorite con is to make ME feel ashamed for even questioning the possibility that he should create ant physical evidence… for me to have in my posession. Without any “PROOF” he can change history at his will…and you can count on the fact that details will be changed by the SP whenever it suits his/her best interest!

I think a SP must get a thrill or some sort of self-induced high out of successfully playing a con game. Perfahs it’s the thrill of winning at someone else’s expense.

With these slags you need to receive and safely hide away items of PROOF. then never have those items available for someone else to destroy. Only produce copies…keep originals for court cases. My SP tries to convince me that usless I produce an original for his to see and touch I have proved nothing…and he doesn’t remember anything transpiring. If he has the original he can always make the statement that a photocopy could have been altered. So make sure to hide original proof away from the slag/perp.

By the way, since YOU supposedly were paying her back…where did her money source alegedly come from?
Where is her possible proof that she had any money to lend you?

Also, is it possible to have a private investigator check to track any banking and/or loan pay offs that she might have made that total the original amount you “gave” to her and occurred closely after that date?

if she says that she loaned you, ask for her banking records…maybe. If she says she lent the funds to you at an earlier date, at least ask the court for reasonable proof from her.

Sorry that another honest person was slagged by a SP.

Hugs from me!

slimone

Roger,

Most of us have felt stupid for being conned. Looking back, the red flags look so glaringly obvious, and we realize we may have had little ‘niggling’ feelings of uncertainty at the time they pop up, we feel like idiots for falling for the con.

But that is in hindsight…and you know what they say about that. It is keen.

I was asked by the spath to go with him while he signed a loan to pay down his debt. When we got there the lady handed me the pen to co-sign, and I felt punched in the gut. But, know what I did. Bet you can guess.

I signed it. I proceeded to pay off more than 11,000.00 dollars of his debt, to protect my credit rating. Did I feel like a total jackass? Again, you are right. I did.

I, also like you, got rid of every scrap of communication from this individual. Due to the fact that I couldn’t stand to be reminded of him, without feeling breathless and weak and sad and angry…..

Good luck, Roger…I hope the courts come through for you. But if not, you can count your lucky stars that you understand these disordered and damaging individuals. And you can now protect yourself, and aid others to protect themselves. Though it feels awful now, your new knowledge has the power to send you on a new path….one that is less naive, more self aware, and better protected from those who would use you.

Slim

alivetoday

Roger,

I feel your pain and frustration…I too, gave my $30,000 plus in cash and heard the same words “what are you talking about, you never gave me any money” etc etc…(and I am sparing us all the foul language) …I keep thinking it is an issue of the past but it seems to haunt me and gets me so angry as I felt something deep down when I handed it to him, I would never see it back. It feels unfair because we are caring, trusting people.

I was listening to a song this morning sung by Josh Garrels..It is called Farther Along..He sings it so beautifully…It is on Youtube..(i’m not computer savvy) ..but one of the lines in the song is: “I wonder why the good man dies, the bad man thrives and Jesus cries because He loves them both”…I found some comfort in the entire song….I hope you will too.

sonia

Roger, We all feel conned but we should not feel bad or worthy of what has happened to us. We were just reacting as normal individuals with a heart and a soul. What comes around goes around. the law of cause and effect is very strong. sooner or later things in the universe even out. It shows us all that sociopath behavior is not just found in certain gender or socioeconomic backgrounds and in a certain level of education. It can be found everywhere and anywhere. I have always liked helping people. Sociopaths love to feed on good hearted people with a soul and a conscious. They think we are the losers but what there warped mind does not understand is that they have no soul . To have no soul, is to have no life. I hope this gives you some comfort for the future. This site has been much help for me and my problems with a sociopath.

Ox Drover

Welcome to LoveFraud, Roger and I do hope that you recover some or all of your money….but it may be that it ends up being “tuition” for a PhD in psychopathy from the University of Hard Knocks. There are many of us here who have advanced degrees in this University of Hard Knocks from experience with psychopaths and yours sounds like one for sure.
Keep on reading and learning.
Our best revenge is a live well lived. Good luck and God bless.

Back_from_the_edge

Dear Roger: I am so sorry this has happened to you. I have been scammed too, but not for money. For my mind and my sanity. For ten years of my life; literally.

Hold true to yourself and don’t let go of the person you are. You are a very kind and trusting man and that is rare in this life so you should not feel shame nor guilt over this, but actually proud of the trusting person you are.

I think a lot of our problem stems forth from trusting and caring too much, sometimes. Although, I know it is difficult to know how to guage the use of our kindnesses, in my later years, I am now starting to see that we must pick and choose our battles and they must always be on our terms, loyal to ourselves. No matter what. We are just as entitled to draw those boundaries as anyone else.

We live and learn from our hardships and usually the most horrid ones are where our hearts are concerned. Although I am not recommending anyone try to ‘catch’ PTSD, in many ways, my having PTSD actually helps me in wading past a lot of the stress and anxiety.

I have been stalked the past ten years by someone I let into my life that I never should have in the first place. I have almost lost my life on several ocassions and the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse was over the top. It has taken me five years to climb out of this dark hole but I am doing it and IN SPITE OF “IT”.

Welcome to our family, here, at Love Fraud. I pray you will find as much healing and soothing, here, as I have. I don’t know many places where you can go to talk to people who have experienced the same kinds of things in their lives, with psychopath/sociopaths like here.

I will be rooting for you that you get all your money back and that justice will prevail. It’s difficult to let go of the horrid feelings our experiences have left us with but we will make it. I am doing better and better, all the time. At least that is what they tell me. hehehe

😛

Take care and come back and chat with us.
Everyone’s input is so validating and so important.

Welcome and may you be blessed with peace.

Dupey

mags

Roger, the modus operandum is exactly the same as how my ex husband conned me, and I too sort of knew things were not right but went along with his ‘demands’ as I had recent trauma in my life and just wanted something that was ‘long term’ and ‘real’. I too kept handing money over, without question, and the last amounts he actually stole from my bank account (monies from the sale of my house after he persuaded me to sell it). I am still married to this man and although I believe he is with the woman he ‘went off with’ I do not really know for sure and he has cut all contact.

I too have ‘no proof’ and no way to bring about a prosecution and it eats away inside you. I lost around £80,000 plus got myself in debt on cards etc to around £20k.

But …. we only have one life and it is important that we try to be as happy as we possibly can. That is why you need to try to put it behind you and concentrate on ‘rebuilding’ your life and self-esteem.

It is awful that there are people like this in life but one thing is definate ….. they will never find true happiness. Their life may be less stressful but it will always be empty.

7stepstoheaven

I think the more we learn again and again how these people operate, it helps all of us, whether we are taken advantage of in a romantic relationship, or by a family member, or a business acquaintance. So thanks for sharing your story, Roger.

They often ask for money, and try to put you on the spot by manipulating you into looking like YOU are the bad person, if you say no. We have trouble setting boundaries, and the pity ploy is an obvious signature of the sociopath AFTER something bad happens. She’s a slick one! I wonder how someone who seems so out-of-control personally and emotionally can even keep a professional position and maintain an aura of trustworthyness! They can put up a front – they’re good at that.

I have learned the hard way that you can’t assume people are trustworthy because they are in the company of others you know ARE. I think we tend to do that a lot. That’s part of what professional associations or church groups or military veterans are for – so that you can associate with your “peers,” who are all accomplished and have an outward appearance of respectability. You learn you can’t take things like that for granted anymore, and that is discomfiting. Being able to make assumptions about people makes life easier. But making one assumption about the WRONG person can subject you to years of misery. I think you are fortunate that she didn’t get her mitts on you romantically, because there’s a whole other level of trauma to that, as many posters here can attest. But you have learned just how devious people can be, and you will be wary the next time. I watched “Lost in Translation” the other day, and your story makes me think of that. It must get lonely to be in a foreign country. That can make you vulnerable, also. Take care.

callmeathena

Slimone

Sorry that you got conned that way.

In the recent movie the GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATOO there is a line in there,

When Daniel craig was being hung on the hook by the killer under his house, the killer said “It’s funny that people have a greater fear of offending others than the fear of pain” BUT he also said something like “people think if they cry, or be polite, say the right thing, maybe the bad guy will let me go”

And it’s true.

Sorry, and hugs.

Athena

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