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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I feel stupid that I was blind

Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Roger.”

I am writing this from Tokyo, Japan and would like to tell you about my experience with a person that “conned” me.

Last year I experienced having a very short relationship with a lady that fits the description of being a sociopath: has no heart, no conscience and no remorse. In addition, now I know that she thought nothing of lying, cheating and stealing my money!

I met this lady, who is a full-time lecturer at a university here in Tokyo (as am I) at a dinner party in June last year. It was arranged by a person whom I know (and trusted) and his wife, and they were trying play “Cupid.” He, too, is a professor at a university here in Tokyo.

They knew that I had just experienced a terrible six months: the death of my father, the break-up of a six year relationship, the earthquake here in Japan, and that I was going through a very low patch in my life. Also, that she was single.

First request for money

After a month of dating, I received a call from her in a hysterical state that the local government had gone into her account and taken taxes that she owed (This has actually happened to friends of mine, so I had no reason to doubt it!) and this was money that she had promised her family.

With all her academic credentials, I thought I could trust her and I would do the right thing as a friend and offer her a short-term loan to help her family.

Well she agreed to accept my offer, however, this is where the first “red flag” came up, but I chose to ignore it! She asked for the loan in cash, as she stated it would be easier to transfer the money into her overseas bank account.

Now when I look back at the whole situation, I feel “stupid” and that I was “blind,” as I was looking for something that definitely was not there—a balanced relationship.

Trusting her and being in the middle of moving house, I did not think of asking her for an I.O.U, due to so much was going on in my life at the time. My mind was “all over the place.” I still do now know why I did not hand write one and get her to sign it.

Then for the next several weeks after this, when we met, there were several angry and hysterical scenes on her behalf and it got to a point that I had to say that we should just be friends. I could not tolerate her actions; she knew that I was exhausted and had no energy to argue back.

Here is where I should have completely cut off all contact with her, however, the amount that I lent her was too much to walk away from, so I tried to be friends with her.

Second request for money

Then after several weeks she informed me that she had work problems and health problems and did not have money to cover her medical and study commitments; she now asked for a loan and stated that she would repay all the amount owing in the following months.

When we next met, I asked her to give me an I.O.U., and she went into this trust episode and I thought that it would be disrespectful of me to create a public scene. My stupidity again!

We came to agreement that she would start repaying the amount back as soon as possible, and that she had a few other things to sort out.

Luckily, the second loan I made was via a bank transfer, so it has been documented.

As I did not hear from her for several weeks, I approached her and asked her to start repaying me, so that we can go our separate ways.

Denied the loans

This is when the “fun” began! She totally denied that any money had been loaned to her. She said she owed me nothing and that everything was finished, and that I should go on with my life and stop harassing her. She actually went to the police and filed a formal harassment complaint. The police have called me several times.

I am now in legal proceedings against her, and she is saying the first loan never happened and that the second loan was me repaying a loan that I had with her. Also, that I bought stamps from her (I have no idea where that came from) and that all the “crisis happenings” above never happened! She had never had any tax problems, health, work or family issues.

This is where I should have kept her e-mails (in my anger I deleted all her emails, however, luckily I kept the ones that I sent her). Now that we are in court, she has produced photocopied SMS dialogue that I can only assumed were Photoshopped, and when I (via my lawyer) asked her to produce the phone in court, I was informed that the messages had been deleted. (How appropriate!)

Here is where the whole matter can be clarified, as in the actual SMS dialogues we had, she mentions that she will repay the loan. However,the court will not subpoena the telephone dialogue, as in Japan there is obviously an amount before they will do that (the eyes of the law are not equal in some cases).

The legal proceedings are still ongoing and according my lawyer, because she is so vague and even though her credibilty is in question, she may get away with this “scam;” in Japan the law tends to be very kind to women and does not believe that they could be so calculating.


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Back_from_the_edge

One should never feel ‘stupid’ for falling for the ploys of the spath or ppath…..Remember: these people are very skilled at what they do.

They have done this their entire lifetime as a means of their own personal, selfish, survival, in their warped, twisted minds.

I was reading on the internet tonight and found this site that really does have a whole lot to say about psychopathy.
Wanted to share it with all of you.

Dupey is going night night now.
You all have a pleasant evening.

Tomorrow is a new day.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/

mo mac

This website has been so immensely helpful, healing and reassuring. The emotional trauma, humiliation and incredulity of involvement with these ‘people’ is impossible to explain to those who have not experienced it. I was suicidal in January but am now healing thanks to medication, my beautiful husband, children and amazing friends. My sociopath was my lover for a year… (Also a family ‘friend’ in the same community) My husband had become absorbed in his own interests and we’d drifted apart. Never not friends but I felt an emotional void. I blanked out stories of the sp’s infidelity to wife number 2. Thought I can love him better, love him as he deserves. He was tender, attentive, passionate, funny, charming, articulate, generous…claimed to be my soul mate. He communicated constantly…loving messages. wrote endless cards with declarations of love, spoke all the time about our beautiful future together. I ignored tales of him not even telling wife no. 2 he was already married…as they planned their life together! Wife no. 1 thought he was working in Indonesia. That was the point W2 should have run for her life. But she forgave his omission to tell her he was married…they got married shortly after his divorce, she then had severe post natal depression. Meanwhile he was having an intense affair with a 19 year old (he was nearly 40) promising her he’d marry her, love her forever etc. This child phoned his home and told wife 2 everything. She suppressed the pain, humiliation…chose not to share it at that point or to expose him. She is now very ill…a lifetime of his lies and deceit? He had to go for anger management during their marriage as his kids were afraid of him.They separated 2 and a half years or so ago.I ignored every single red flag!! I am a highly intelligent, attractive, well qualified professional woman, with a wide circle of incredible beautiful friends. But I was lonely, unfulfilled, vulnerable, easy target….I cannot believe that I fell for his lies. I believed that I was living the love affair of my life and studiously ignored all little alarm bells…the inconsistencies, the refusal to answer the phone, the extraordinary anomalous appearance of my favourite Spanish poetry in his house (He’d never heard of the poet! French films (he’s a philistine)…articles lying around the coffee table about how to be the perfect father, partner .
Yet the moments of utter ‘spiritual, soulful connection’ or so I believed…were exquisite. Thinking back, there was a coldness about his eyes…chilling.
My husband found out just before Christmas and most unexpectedly put up the fight of his life for me.He blamed himself. I was still addicted to the SP and he’d made such heart-wrenching promises about our beautiful future together…our home filled with love…He then started to behave really, really bizarrely. went from telling me I was the sole focus of his world, to saying he didn’t know how to let go…a few hours later. He stopped communicating and I went out of my mind with grief, pain like I have never experienced in my life. I had no desire to live…the blackest time of my life ever. I returned all his bullshit cut and paste production cards on the 12 th of January. On the 15th of January he was already seeing the woman he dumped last Jan 2011…he had played the cancer card with her. Had to care for his wife etc.
For 3 months I went slowly out of my mind trying to comprehend what had happened to me. I exposed him completely in our community. Told absolutely everyone he knew. Respectability is crucial to SPs so this hurt. He resumed communication with me as I tried to reach some sort of resolution. I craved an explanation, an apology…he probably thought sexual relations could resume. He started to spin the same bullshit…he thought of me every minute of every hour…(tho not enough to say Happy Birthday it seems. That was not my day on the rota for being e-mailed while he was working offshore. Unbeknownst to me at that point he was already back in a ‘relationship’ with last year’s victim. This only came to light on 30th March when I bumped into this beautiful, trusting emotionally fragile woman. She was waiting for him. he’s been saying to her since January 15th that he’d do ‘whatever it took to get her back’. He’d lied about everything to her…his age (8 years less!), his relationship history… To me his lies had to be more limited as I already knew him from the village. He told me he had a first class honours degree from Glasgow university and was scathing about my Law and languages degrees. he has a certificate or diploma at best form a shitty technical college. We compared notes and have become close, best friends. She has helped me heal so so much. I would never have understood the full horror of what he is, nor would I ever have recovered from the love fraud without her. She had also thought she was living the love of her life with him last year…had a breakdown when he did his inimitable vanishing act. but assumed he was tending to his ailing ex wife. (who could barely bear to be in the same room as him) The love fraud is the most heinous of all sociopathic behaviours. Nobody is exempt. These bastards are brilliant masters of their craft. Utterly plausible. the damage to your psyche, self esteem, heart and soul is immeasurable. thank you to all of you for sharing your nightmare. i am in the process of writing a book about the whole harrowing ordeal…truly cathartic and restorative. And essential vindication, retribution. Remember we cannot redeem the unredeemable. Try Dr. martha Stout’s book..’The Sociopath next door’ Also very healing. They are not even original in their stereotype…the behaviour is verbatim as per clinical observation and diagnosis. Good luck in your recovery all of you.

Truthspeak

MoMac, welcome to LoveFraud and I am so sorry for your experiences.

Yes, intellect and success don’t preclude immunity to spath entanglements. In fact, the “more” a person has, the greater of a notch in their guns that target is. What they cannot ever have, they mean to take and dismantle. And, the emotional void is their greatest opportunity to worm their ways in.

Have you engaged in counseling therapy since these experiences? Sometimes, it can be the most healing and helpful experiences. For me, I learned how I became such an attractive target for these types of creatures.

At any rate, welcome to LF, be kind to yourself, and brightest blessings to you.

mo mac

Thank you Truthspeak! Every tale I read here is affirmation. I didn’t suffer theft of money or assets….Is this worse? Terrifying how someone can play at love with your soul, wreak havoc with your life and walk free. Cavalier exit stage left…seamless transition to the next game piece. So chilling.This is not a criminal offence but surely it should be? Yes we have been for counselling. I am healing with my beautiful husband. Turns out he was the prince in the fable, while I was sidelined by the frog. I have named him crayfish in my book. Interesting how victims often liken their SP to reptiles etc….My main challenge now is how to channel the all consuming loathing and imperative need for revenge. New uncharted emotions for me as I am a genuinely loving, passionate caring woman.Martha Stout recommends that exposure of small time sociopaths is the ultimate pain you can cause them. The only genuine emotion they are capable of is anger. This whole nightmare has been such a revelation….I shudder to think that if my husband hadn’t rescued me, I’d have taken my own life….We nearly lost it all…our marriage, our home, my lovely kids…for what? His sick, twisted self serving opportunistic game. I still lie awake a few hours a night trying to assimilate the enormity of it all. But off the anti depressants now and writing helps. As does the fabulous sisterhood. Never to be underestimated as a force to reckon with!

Truthspeak

MoMac, you wrote:
“My main challenge now is how to channel the all consuming loathing and imperative need for revenge.”

Writing a book is a wonderful endeavor, but starting so soon after one’s extraction may not be of any use, at this immediate time. There are a number of authors that post on this site (and, other ones), and the general commonality among them all has been their writings after they have moved well down their individual Healing Paths.

Several things generally tend to happen during our healing processes and Kubler-Ross’s book, “On Death And Dying” address the various documented stages of grief. Of course, she was writing about terminal patients and their families, but the same principles apply to the destruction of our perceptions with regard to a spath, be they friend, family, lover, co-worker, supervisor, or anyone else.

The loathing, hatred, rage, and feelings for revenge are quite normal after such a traumatic entanglement! However “normal” they are, they can quickly (and, completely) develop into unhealthy obsessions – I know this from personal experience, and others can speak to this, as well.

Is a spath loathesome? Indeed, they are. Are they deserving of our hatred? You bet – for a short while. Will exacting “revenge” be of any benefit (such as, “outing” them)? No, it won’t vindicate us, save the next target from disaster, or stop them from being what they are.

Sociopaths are predators. For whatever reason, they are able to “see” and identify personal vulnerabilities that they use to their advantage with epic precision. If we are needy, they make us feel as if we’re the ONLY human being in the world that matters to them – until we’ve bitten the bait on their lures, that is. If we are distraught over a loss or traumatic Life event (death of loved one, etc.), they swoop in like a saviour and show us a false light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel. If we have deep shame-core, they shower us with excessive flattery and false approval until that barbed hook is firmly in our mouths.

For me, the only solution to surviving, recovering, and (hopefully!) total emergence from my experiences was to engage in strong counseling with a therapist that understood where I was at, emotionally. It wasn’t warm. It wasn’t fuzzy. I learned tragic things about myself that left me vulnerable to all manner of spaths, and I surely would have attempted a suicide had I not been validated by a professional that “got it.”

I’m a pretty strong writer, and I put a great deal of my energies into journaling for many months. I don’t intend to publish these journals or to use them as a draft, though I’ve often entertained the idea. What I used the journaling process for was to pour out my venom, my fears, my rage, my disbelief, and every feeling that I had with regard to the carnage. I might use excerpts, one day, but those journals were for ME….”outing” the spath isn’t my goal as he’ll do that through his own actions, in due time.

My desire for revenge has simmered down into a quiet fight for legal justice. I have no delusions about “justice,” as far as it goes. No amount of money can repair or remedy the damage that the exspath has inflicted. But, I do believe that he’ll face consequences, even if they aren’t Federal ones! 😀

So…..be kind to yourself, MoMac. Consider counseling therapy to help you find the tools and techniques that we don’t really know how to use, yet, with someone that “gets it.”

Brightest healing blessings

Roger

Dear All,

I would like to say thank you for your support and comments.
It is true that to share with people who feel empathy rather than sympathy towards you is a lot more healing for one’s soul.

Even though the “film of what happened” is still going around in my mind,I feel that until the legal proceedings conclude I will not feel at ease.
However.hearing your words has made the pain a lot less.

Thank you again.

Roger

mo mac

You write very elegantly and articulately Truthspeak. My lovely sister in arms who fell prey to him a second time, albeit briefly…is as wise and philosophical as you. She was able to walk away without a backward glance when I leapt to me feet and cried ‘NO!!!!!!!! He will destroy you!!’ Because she had also been married to one….She saw instantly that her ‘beacon’ had attracted yet another life destroying SP. Of course he wasn’t going to tell her he’s been having an affair with me for a year which had ended a week previously. Wisdom, acceptance, insight are all increasing day by day. Perhaps the book project will flounder but I feel so inspired…a lifelong ambition to write. He is my ‘muse’ if you will. My grannie always said ‘What goes around comes around’ so I hope you are right about the consequences! But don’t ever give up the fight Truthspeak…..or they win!. We can raise awareness at the very least. I think it should be on the school curriculum!
I’m aware of the risk of ‘obsession’ but at the moment is is restorative and healing. Blue skies, future focused thinking…as my beloved fellow victim reminds me almost daily.

mo mac

Roger, being capable of empathy and having a conscience is what makes us human. Ultimately a life without a conscience is a failed life. Walk tall and proud. We are survivors.

Truthspeak

Roger, bless your heart – this, too, shall pass. Although the legal process may bring some sense of “justice,” strong steps on your own Healing Path will help you to prepare (as best as one can) for the best, and worst, possible outcomes. We cannot predict anything, even within ourselves. But, we can take steps that help us to heal so that, if “justice” is NOT served (or, not to our liking), we won’t spiral into a cesspool of depression and anxiety. HUGS to you…

MoMac, definitely WRITE…..write, write, write, and use this energy to your advantage. And, once you are well on your own Healing Path, GO FOR THE BOOK!!!! My suggestion to put a publication “on hold” for a while is strictly with the best of intentions – if we begin something in a tattered frenzy of emotion, it’s almost impossible to remain objective. After a while on your Healing Path, you’ll have a completely different perspective on everything that you’ve experienced. You’ll feel more calm, more in-tune with predatory tactics, your boundaries will be high and strong, and you’ll have forgiven yourself for having fallen prey to the spath. That, for me, was the hardest hurdle to leap: self-forgiveness. Next, came self-love. I’m slowly, slowly, ever-so-slowly learning to “love” me – not in the malignantly narcissisitic sense, but to appreciate that I am deserving of better treatment OF myself.

So….yeah…..it’s an uphill climb, but there are a lot of hands holding our ropes to help us on up!

12hopeful

Roger
I would like to tell you that the end of the legal issues will put you at ease but, likely it will not. I was scammed for over 4 years and then the last 2 I’ve spent trying to reclaim something, anything from her. Same story, denies everything, order of protection, etc. I’ve lost over $160K to this woman and her crap but, it just doesn’t end.

Winning or losing in court won’t help, you can’t get back what you’ve lost, all she has to say is it was a gift and she’s scared of you, unless you have a mountain of evidence, she will win. The only people that really win will be the lawyers.

You have a heart, a conscience, so you will hold onto it, she will not. Let it go, just bury everything in a garbage can and walk away. Every minute, everysecond of thought you give to her is a moment wasted. Get back to yourself, your life.

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