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By | February 25, 2010 685 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I fell for it a million times

Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.”

I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!

I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.

That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files ”¦ yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!

After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” ”¦ We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.

Timeline

November of 05 ”¦ his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out ”¦ I forgave him.

December 05 ”¦ wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.

January 06 ”¦ we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.

February 06 ”¦ I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.

March 06 ”¦ I forgive.

April 06 ”¦ He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.

November 06 ”¦ He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel ”¦ I get suspicious, check AA airlines ”¦ he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.

February 07 ”¦ Picks fight with me ”¦ I get suspicious ”¦ pretend I know that he is going away ”¦ find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip—it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip ”¦ the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later ”¦ I forgive him.

In 2007 we went back and forth a million times ”¦ In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.

February of 09 ”¦ We broke up.

July of 09 ”¦ He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.

Finally together

I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.

I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply ”¦ when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.

That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!

He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.

I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.

Don’t feel sad

Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him ”¦ l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.

So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.

I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!

Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!


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learnthelesson

Im sorry for your experience with such a toxic person in your life.

The theme I carry away from your story is its very true that going forward in life its important to place value and safety in the saying

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS….

We need to remember this in every aspect of our lives. Including when we look at ourselves… we need to put our words in action… You did – you finally got out and got away — no longer trusting his words.

Im glad you and your children are safe and thank you for sharing your story with us. I cant imagine the emotional turmoil you experienced — and you now know whats best for you and what isnt!!!!!! Towanda

changedforever

I am so sorry for you. Don’t feel bad about yourself because you’re the normal person, he is the evil one. My story is the same as yours. I was forgiving and forgiving and forgiving for almost 9 years of my life!

Now go NO CONTACT because he will try to suck you back in again. I went back two times. Those are emotional VAMPIRES; they only give up when they can not get any more “blood” from you to feed their evil spirit. Go completely NO CONTACT (no more e-mails, phone calls, nothing, don’t even get in contact with his wife and his family, because he will use everything and everybody to get you back again). Come to this blog frequently to help you understand this “creatures” and cope during this time of your life because still is a long battle that you will have to go through.

Ox Drover

Dear Abigail,

Welcome to LoveFraud, and I am glad you have a therapist who understands what you were dealing with. Notice I said “what” not “who”—it is almolst like they are not human, but use our human ability to love to con us. His wife is just as conned as you were, and he was playing you both and enjoying every minute of it.

HE IS THE LIE. He doesn’t just tell lies, he IS A LIE, everything about him. You are hurting now I am sure, but your hurt will heal in time, he will FOREVER be a monster. God bless you and your children, you have escaped from this night mare, wounded, maybe, but ESCAPED and that is the most important part.

No Contact (NC) from here on out is a MUST—and will be difficult when he starts texting, calling, having others call you, but maintain NC and it will get easier. You are stronger than you know. (((hugs)))

breckgirl

“Abigail” – in so many ways I understand – too many…

I was beginning the process of divorce in the summer of ’04 – and began dating “the monster”. I had some similar experiences to yours, except mine was not married – he just had two other women he was juggling which I did not know for a long time – I trusted him when he said things like he was helping his ex-gf move and that she was ill – or when she came for a visit after she moved out of state that it was to go see medical specialists here… I am a bright, attractive, kind woman. I am a good mother, I own my own business and my own home. I was the perfect prey.

There is a quiz here at LoveFraud – “are you a target?” I believe it is…
http://www.lovefraud.com/05_areYouAtarget/fraud_victim_quiz.html
I took it when I first found this site as I was trying to disentangle and recover and I scored very high. Now I score in the middle – I just took it again today after reading your letter. It is good food for thought to recognize where I am vulnerable.

This is the thing I discovered – I have to take off my rose colored glasses, quiet the voices that allow people to have a pass when they do something rotten, the voices that say “oh he/she is having a bad day” OR “he/she could not possibly mean what they just said – no one would really believe that – they are just trying to be shocking and funny….”

Guess what – when my ex said he thought Nicole Brown Simpson deserved what she got he meant it and it was a warning of what was to come for me…

Now when people show me who they are I do not try to pretty up what is ugly, I do not give the benefit of the doubt – especially to people I do not know very very well… I also have discovered that taking care of me and my needs, recognizing my needs and filling them myself is an excellent preventative for the loneliness and desire for love that allowed “the monster” to exploit me so thoroughly – and in fact when I treat myself with love and protect myself as I would my children or friends I do not need to be fed nonsense by those whose ulterior motives are for their own selfish ends.

Welcome to LoveFraud – please read and grow strong. This can someday be a chapter in your history – maintain No Contact as Oxy says. It is the very best tool for protecting yourself – and when you recognize these behaviors in others – withdraw from them quietly so as to keep yourself safe.

May God bless your path forward.

Hopeful_01

First I want to thank you all for posting your comments about my story!! I read my own story and cried at my own words. I can honestly say that I am seeing everything more clearly now and with acceptance. This acceptance to me is HUGE!! as i havent been able to do this before! I feel proud of myself and I now know that this is the beggining of my strength! I am very thankful I found this site and I will continue to read and learn! This has been a struggle!! He did infact start with the text messages today but I no longer have the desire to engage! Im good!!! He ofcoarse messaged the boys when they did not respond, he sent me a message of thanks for making them hate him and called me a f****ing Champ! I laughed and thought “and so it begins” but with me.. It ended Febuary 13, 2010!!! 🙂

Ox Drover

HAPPY VALENTIINES DAY TO YOU HOPEFUL, the 14th was a day of FREEDOM from the Psychopath!!!

Congratulations all around. I suggest you block his texts, phone (or change your number and give it only to those that you KNOW will not give it to him) if he continues to harass you and/or your children with crude comments, report this to the police. You may even want to get a restraining order, but best to BLOCK his access if you can.

Taking NO CONTACT is very frustrating to them because WE are taking back OUR CONTROL, and if they can’t contact us, they feel POWERLESS and that is a big deal for them. The frustration of not being heard drives them ape chit!

ANY contact you have with them encourages them, and discourages you, so yes, YOU ARE STRONG, and you DID GOOD GIRLFRIEND!!! TOWANDA FOR YOU!!!!! You are taking control back from the monster. GOOD JOB!!!!! (((hugs)))) and God bless.

Rosie

Dear Abigail

Thanks for sharing your story. You have been through hell and your through the worst of it. Keep reading the blogs if you feel weak or are starting to reminise about him. I find Steve Beckers blogs especially insightful. Great that you have a counsellor who understands.

My situation was similar to yours, although I had the baby, and there was no wife in the background. Like yourself I had been a single mum for a long time. My daughter was 12 when I met the police detective. A baby boy and a house later…
I uncovered a lot of devastating betrayal and our relationship hung in the balance. His solution was to demand my absolute trust and not to go through his phone or his stuff anymore, in order for us to ‘work’. “If you can’t trust me, then we have a real problem” he would say. However I was not prepared to give him trust, and this I think is what caused him to give up on me.

I don’t miss the lack of affection, being belittled and having the wool pulled over my eyes one bit!

Like with yourself, not buying into the big gun drama..seeing right through the performance as a distraction from telling the truth! Kudos to you! You must have finally had enough.

Kia kaha – stay strong

tobehappy

Hello. I am new here. I married a sociopath/NPD and had three children with him. I waited 7 yrs to date someone and he ended up being worst than my xhusb. I just broke up with him for the second time, in 2 yrs and I will not go back and fall for his lies that I caught him in!
I was really depressed all summer and now I broke it off for good..had to go back.
I am SO afraid I won’t recover even though I don’t feel so depressed as last time.
I feel sortof dead and empty ..can you help?

kim frederick

Yes, tobe, there are a lot of good people here who can help you. They will lend an ear and listen to your story. They will tell you that you aren’t crazy and they will help you get your sence of joy back. I’m glad you’re here.

tobehappy

Hello Kim

Thank you for your reply. I am so afraid that I will fall down again. I was in a stupor all summer just sitting on my deck with my neighbor, thank God for her, and couldn’t even cry. I went NC for 3 months and then he suckered me back with texts and letters and I felt like maybe he still loves me, he has to! All the texts and he seemed so sincere.
So, I went back for more after he said, “I want to marry you” in a text. He won me back and lied about the porn dating site, and living with his x, and buying the house WITH his x after we met, and we would be married next year. OMG…this was in October. By thanksgiving, he was denying he said those things.
So, I was breaking up with him a few times..finally he told me he was moving back into his house with the x as friends because he had to let her live there..he owed her money!
I did a public record search and found out she is part owner.
I called him on it and told him I could not see him anymore.
He said, Fine.
OMG..he is a sicko. Then today he was online dating, which he said he doesn’t do. I put a profile on as someone else and he contacted me!
I am SO afraid to fall back into depression, even though I am nowhere near where i was this past summer.
I was so depressed because I thought he really loved me and I lost something so great.
I was So happy to be back.
I am wondering if I am going to need that REM therapy?
Is this PTSD and will I have a breakdown?
I have 3 children to take care of.
I need support so badly

ErinBrock

TObe:
Have faith in yourself!
You can do this……
Welcome to LF…..we do understand what you’ve been through.
Read, read read…..educate yourself and it will help you move forward!

Goodluck to you!
XXOO
EB

tobehappy

Thank you! Are you the real Erin Brokovitch?

learnthelesson

Tobehappy,

Sounds like you’ve been through alot.

Doesnt sound like he is someone to be happy with, or someone who makes you truly and consistently happy. In fact, he really adds alot of stress and dishonesty and unfaithfulness to your relationship. They all seem to have this hold on us (like we are in shock/stunned/disbelief ) that they have changed so much since the times in the beginning of the relationship. He doesnt sound too healthy – and that makes it hard for us to know what to do in this situations.

But going NO CONTACT is really really important. That includes no longer trying to find out what he is up to. I know its really hard – but one thing I didnt do back where you are- was really look at the reality of the big picture. Te reality is he doesnt keep his word with you and he doesnt treat you right. So right there is enough to try to gather the strength and say THIS GUY IS NOT RIGHT FOR ME – THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME!

Its not easy, but you can do it. When you said you were depressed because you thought he really loved you and you lost something so great — can you see now — that this guy is not really so great??

You have 3 children that need you, love you, want you ! And a fantastic neighbor and other good people who will come into your life. Try to focus on yourself and your family ( i know sometimes its just so hard to deal with everything and thoughts of him and catching him in lies) – but if you try to find the strength to say to yourself – WOW – he sooooooo doesnt deserve my time and energy – he really is a loser …. you just didnt know it initially because of the way he hid his true self so well – so it shocked your system to find out who he really is — dont be fooled again. Dont do what I did – instead face the reality now and GET OUT. Cut off contact. STAY OUT.

Come here, read the articles, share your story, ask questions, listen, grow and learn with us. They are really toxic to everyone who crosses their path – it just doesnt come to light until we are emotionally involved with them and find it very hard to see the reality – they dont deserve us.

Hang in there. Be strong.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

tobehappy, EB isn’t the real erin brockovich, she’s tougher. 😉

Please read the articles here…just take a stroll through the index on the left (by month and major authors) and see what interests you. The series Kathy hawk did on healing might be good to focus on right now.

It’s going to be okay. It’s alright. Stay away from him, k? When you can, take down the profile he responded to, until you can, just stay away. it’s important that you stop pouring acid on your wounds. his is toxic. you need some space away from him.

best,
one step

tobehappy

OMG thank you so much! Its so crazy, because he is a CLASSIC case, but so were SO many of my x’s ..especially my xhusband. A therapist told me that HE was NPD, and the judge in divorce court said he is “unreahabilitive”.
I am just so mad at myself, because I thought I was “healed” when we met and we worked together for 2 yrs before he asked me out.
After 2 weeks of dating, already slept with him, he was “in love” with me so fast! I told my sister, “he always says the right thing”…omg! He texted me a zillion texts all day about how he loved me…
But, after 2 weeks i was having a breakdown..even thought it was hormonal..went on estrogen! I was having panic attacts! I told him I felt like “friends with benefits”.
He convinced me we were “more than that”
OMG…What I am upset about is that I spent ALL summer, couldn’t work..went on disability to get away from him at the job…and was NC for months….studied sociopaths…even read on here…and then I WENT BACK!! He tried alot and finally texted me “I WANT TO MARRY YOU”
I fell for it for a few months. 2months later I wanted to leave him but he sucked me in again.
I didn’t want to believe he was what I read.
HE IS CLASSIC. OMG…
THank God I ended it.
I need help to really refocus on ME and my children and get a new job and start a new life.
All of my hotflashes were PANIC ATTACKS from him!
I wish he would leave this earth.
I will NEVER give him the time of day.
Blocking his calls…etc. UGH!

tobehappy

One step…
Thank you so much. I really need the support here..you guys are great! I am relieved not to have him in my life…he went away in January..and I was feeling great.
I am going to pull my profile off the site after today. I was curious and now I know he is using the site he told me he didn’t ever use. LIE
I could never confront him. He would always turn it around or get mad. I learned this early on and so I didn’t.
I was having breakdowns and panic attacks for the entire two years…minus the summer breakup.
I was depressed, but not having attacks!

I didn’t want to believe that he is so sick. He told me the other day on the phone, when I was telling him I want to end it..”you don’t have an evil bone in your body”
OMG…the devil attacks the best people.
I’m known to be sweet, kind, funny, compassionate and giving.
The devil targets the best, as I learned in religion class when i was 12!
Thank you ..i will be here alot.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

tobehappy – what a great name.

You are okay girl. You got out of whatever dessert storm of denial you were twirling in.

it’s going to be okay.

tobehappy

OH, I was reading yesterday, Louise Hay “you can heal your life” and she said that we need to be responsible for everything we bring into our lives and do”
I thought about it and it does help to not hate them.
I don’t want to hang onto anger.
Yes, I saw the red flags early on and yet, there must have been a “payoff” for me to stay.
There was..his constant attention, texting me all day
Feeling that he is so in love with me
etc..

But, he never took me out alot. 80% of our relationship was texts and phone. He did HIS thing , work, gym etc..and fit me in and CONTROLLED the relationship. He even said this..”Lets face it ..I control this r/s.”
OMG….Also, he wasn’t even as “hot” as me. People even wondered what I was doing with him…fat and not so good looking and he used to say, “why are you with me?”

BUT…he was charming!!! From “hello” I was infatuated with him. OMG

I keep saying OMG because I really can’t believe that I let him control me , just to have a man in my life.

KEY: my self esteem was VERY low when we met. He knew that and he targetted me!

SO sick.

tobehappy

one step…

Thank you. It actually just trickled out. I have been listening to Leona Lewis HAPPY song to keep me going..over and over….thats where I got it. Listen to it on utube ..its so good. THANKS so much for your support. I am really in need of it tonite…don’t want to start falling like i did last summer…numbness to depression. It was bad. But,somehow,
I don’t feel the same way now, because I really expressed myself more this time. But, he was still cold in the end…

one/joy_step_at_a_time

i’ll check it out tobehappy – and you can listen to my current anti-spath anthem 😉

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpZm1TstpjQ

tobehappy

LOL one step….i just listened to the utube link! that was great. One thing is I know for sure, you can’t show them that they got to you. They LOVE that ..even if its anger, especially!
After I told him I want to end the r/s, I wrote him a kill him with kindness letter and thanked him for caring about me but I could NEVER see or talk to him again after he moved back in with his x (he says just a friend and business partner).
So, i ended it gracefully but put the jab in that I found out the truth about the house…they both owned it.
I wished him luck. (Not GOOD luck!) ugh!

I hope I can get over this and not go back to my state of shock and paralysis like last summer. My poor kids.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

tobe – i have spent the last few minutes trying to find a link for Cyndi Lauper’s acoustic version of ‘Shine’.

It’s a call to beauty and has some of the qualities of the song you posted.

i can’t find one, but if you have a chance to get your hands on it.

i think you must have learned a lot to end it the way you did. you have protected yourself with knowledge.

best,
one step

Rosie

Dear tobehappy

Give yourself some time to lick your wounds, you’re going through the hardest part, and it will get better day by day. You will get your energy and love for life back. Remember not to take his discard personally. He will treat every woman this way, in time.

I used to listen to Kelis “I hate you so much right now”

Don’t be hard on yourself and DO NOT be embarrassed. You fell for a sociopath – you were in love and you didn’t know what he was. I feel the same way – I am still involved with my S and I am still trying to break free from him. At least you are free and don’t be afraid to love again – time will heal your wounds – be easy with yourself….

tobehappy

One step and Rosie
Thank you so very much. I NEED this support so much I can’t tell you. I plan to read the links and articles on here.
Yes, when we came back from Florida on Feb 1..first time away with him, I made up my mind that “I’m not the woman for you” and I texted him that and didn’t talk to him for over ten days.In that time, since he was losing his supply,…he figured out how to discard me.
He told me he’s moving back to his house to live with his x g/f and basically, if i didn’t like it….screw me.
So, that night..Feb 11…I ended it. But, he sucked me back in to “talk” and then he didn’t take me out as planned, invited himself to stay over, have sex and then after that, the next day..my BODY was telling me…Don’t do it. I told him we could be friends but no sex…the next day. Then, the next day I told him I don’t even want friendship, because I found out about him being partners in this house with her.
THAT DID IT!
I wrote him a nice goodbye letter. Havent heard from him because this time, he knows I mean business.
I will NEVER let him in my life again.
This time around I am NOT turning back, or even looking back .
But, I will need u guys!!! THANK YOU!

tobehappy

Thank you Emmy….I know how hard it is to detatch. I actually detatched emotionally and then couldn’t sleep with him anymore…faded that out…then I just reached a point where I said…”if a situation is killing you, get the hell out”.

Physically not seeing him helped me and not answering texts..basically no contact.

knowledgeempowers

A million and one times for me. I bought into all of it, even with all the doubts and red flags, I chose to ignore them because I loved him. When things really started getting bad, I thought my love could help, could make him see the errors of his ways.
But in reality nothing can change a P, nothing, not even themselves.
Its a hard realization when I think back to all I invested, all I gave, all I put up with.
At least I gave it my all, every last drop, till there was none left to give.

GettingIt

My ordeal is over. I got sole Custody, physical and legal. He agreed to it after he realized just how much dirt I dug up on him. I can’t help but feel as though there was more, much more than I was able to find out. Still, it was enough to put him in jail. But, this never happened. For over a year I had tried to prove to the supervising social worker, to my attorney, and to psychologist that he is dangerous, that he has Antisocial Personality Disorder, and is in no condition to parent. I felt like I was starting to look mad. I became paranoid, I no longer trusted strangers. It was a mad battle. On the day of the depositions, a vision came to me. I saw in my mind’s eye… Jesus. He who stood against the legal courts, he who spoke the truth and was not believed. I then summoned up the courage to go through it all.
Here I was, dear friends – the papers signed, my sole custody, MY freedom – in exchange for several nights per month. And this is when the most sad, pathetic even – thing happened. This is when the supervising social worker admitted to me that she “knew all along”. I got the “broken legal system excuse” from everyone: people that are continuing to break the system, those who see and know of psychopaths, but do not speak up or against them. It is so sad, that no matter what happens now, my child will still be traumatized by his biological parent. He I forgave a million times found the one way to hurt me – at least few nights per month…
I asked the attorney if I can get a PI. I can. I can follow him and make sure he does not mistreat our child. If he fails to be a father, I can take him to court. But, his paternity would not be taken away. It is likely that he’d be ordered to behave. How do you order a monster to behave?
To sum up, The legal system is broken. they know much about the APDs and the Psychopaths and they continue to pretend not to. They continue to aid the corruption and to lead us, the victims on through the hell of repeated trauma. Good for you, Abigail that you did not have his child. I am sorry you had to go through ending the pregnancy, though. good luck to you on your road to recovery.
Almost there…

GettingIt

Can we organize something like “Mothers against Psychopaths?”
I know there are a lot of men that have been duped by psychopathic women and I am sorry that I cannot relate to their pain. I can only appreciate it.
But, for a mother who had carried and nursed her very soul, who later realized that half of this baby belongs to the non-human race, the pain is astonishing, horrific, tragic.
Abigail, do tell your story. Tell this story to strangers, to colleagues, to your kids. People will listen. People need to know. If anyone is interested in Mothers against Psychopaths, let’s talk to Donna about helping out with this. The Broken Legal System is a poor excuse. It has to be fixed. How many children should a father leave behind before the system recognizes that he’s a bad father? How many women does he need to sleep with at the same time before the system determines that he’s a poor role model? How many jobs should he switch and lie about before the system realizes that he is no support to the offspring? Anyone?

myboysmattermost

The s2bxs/n has effectively avoided the process server so far and of course his mother and sisters claim they “have no idea where he is”…

my theme song right now is Christina!

‘Cause it makes me that much stronger, Makes me work a little bit harder, Makes me that much wiser, So thanks for making me a fighter ~ Made me learn a little bit faster. Made my skin a little bit thicker, It makes me that much smarter, So thanks for making me a fighter!!

ErinBrock

Myboys:
So….I’m assuming he is aware he’s running from some legal docs..?
Does he know you filed TPO or for divorce?

If he is dodging the server, as you state…..This can be a very serious time for you….so don’t let your guard down.
Keep your eyes wide open and protect yourselves….DO NOT SPEAK or COMMUNICATE WITH HIM……
After they are served a TPO, they tend to be ‘shocked’……oh, how could she do this to ME…..and try and contact you……
It’s OVER it’s DONE….it’s handed over to the law and attorney now……DO NOT FALL FOR ANY ANTIC.

Don’t panic…..(and I don’t mean to be alarming)
Just stay safe darlen……

one/joy_step_at_a_time

completely off topic, but i need some bit of support if anyone is out there.

my upstairs neighbor has some problems. putting it mildly

he regularly stomps around like a child. today he is REALLY losing it. I have tired to talk to him and it’s a no go. my ceiling fiztures are shaking, the very papers on my desk are shaking…pictures and mirrors are bouncing on the walls.

the cops just showed up – they sent three strapping boys! yay!

this guy is supposedly leaving in a couple of days and i have been trying just to put up with him. but it started first thing this am and it wasn’t stopping.

i feel just sick of all this insanity and violence. i am scared of this guy as he is angry and frustrated, self centered, juvenile and drug addled.

i am going to have a bath and pack my stuff up and take a cab – i can’t work here today.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

so he told the cops he was playing with his son. his son. he has his little son up there. i wanna barf.

learnthelesson

one-step…

what a relief to read he will be leaving in a couple of days!

Think you took the smartest and safest course of action…plan the next few days out! Dont get into it with him.

Do you have an ipod??

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ltl – no ipod here. it’s not just about noise ltl, i can’t be in the house when he is doing this shit….my papers were actually jumping. he does it knowingly and sometimes on purpose.

and yes, i do need to plan the next few days. do you know how close to the edge i am? i need to finish stuff fo my contract this weekend and write another resume by end of tomorrow. the edge just keeps getting pushed closer and closer.

and again, in public now, and i just wanna cry. and barf. i am so affected by this hair on my camel’s back. when he fuck is this going to stop?

i did call his step-dad who owns the building – before i called the cops. the step dad and his mom are kicking him out of the building cause he isn’t stepping up and taking care of his life.

i regret calling the step dad – that’s me trying to be fuckng nice – and not involve the cops. arggh.

the step dad is a bully and i try really hard to stay under the radar with him – so this is why i regret it now. in the long term it wasn’t the best thing to do to take care of myself. but live and learn.

so now i need a good response for the step dad when he comes at me. and he will. i have to work out MY agenda and not get wrapped up in his.

thanks ltl – it’s going to take a bit for me to calm down and focus. the cabbie was great – had a little rant with him.

it’s like i have no skin left.

witsend

One Step,
You are doing good…Just keep telling yourself that over and over. Progress not perfection.

You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. And your circumstances right now are tough.
It was a smart decision to leave and try and get your work done away from home. Now try to not let the situation at home control your focus, (at least in the present moment) and do what you set out to do. Get your work done w/o the distraction of the crazy guy upstairs.

Keep affirming yourself today. You made GOOD decisions.

learnthelesson

One step –

Pinch yourself. So we can first confirm you def have skin left!!!! 🙂

You sure do…it may not be as thick as you would like it to be,, but its there and its protecting you along with your choices/decisions!!

You did what you had to do. Its done. And hopefully HE WILL BE GONE in a few days. We can deal with that… a few days.

I know your cup is so damn full. I can see it/hear it in your posts.. You are definitely being pushed to the edge…but you will not go over as long as you are in control. Prioritize and take a deep breath. Whatever will be will be, so just decide whats the best course of action for you to take with everything to help ensure the best possible outcome for YOU.

You took care of yourself today. Thats what matters here. Maybe tell the step-dad you already took care of it since you placed the call to him. And then say you gotta run and catch a cab 🙂

Deep breath..focus…concentrate…slowly…refocus. Sending good positive vibes your way today! You will get through all of this!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

thanks witty. i will. i do need to remind myself that i am making good choices. progress/ process, not perfection.

okay, i am now crying in public.

the andrenaline rushes leave me just sick. i took a bunch of supplements to help process it.

– i just can’t take all of this.

i feel a bit terroized. it really is like having no skin – blat …i am all over the place with no containment. i feel a bit lost – like my center is blasted.

i have now listened to lily allen sing eb’s anthem three times in a row…and it is helping.

learnthelesson

One step – I posted over you… hoping you were maybe getting into a better place and adding some lightness to your morning…but I just read that you are having a really crappy morning…

We are here for you, to help make sure your skin stays in tact! And keep your center inward… Witty has a stapler and so do I….if need be 🙂

If that song is helping…keep playing it…I want you to go from crying in public to singing outloud in public – because its all ok (from time to time)…

WE are going to support you through this. xoxoxo

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ltl – pinched myself. couldn’t feel it. that isn’t a good sign, is it? 😉

okay, a little humor returning. dark, but there.

i am dissociating a bit. that’s the lost feeling. i have to take in the fear.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ltl – stapler 😉

i am really shook – fuckers. they are SUCH fuckers. don’t have the steam for anger yet…but even a little twinge is better than none.

the dad is a BIG gaslighter. he has done it to all the women in the builidng. sound familiar? fuckers. okay, another twinge of anger. good.

my place has never been safe since i moved in. i have had to endure – can’t deal with everything that is on my plate. this just upped the ante though and i am feeling this slime around the place. dark, yellow and fear rending. TRIGGERED.

i am going to give myself another 20 mins to really focus on this, and then i am going to focus on work.

witsend

One Step,
Take it slow, listen to the song, try to FEEL the song.

Dark humor is still humor! Its still good. If we can poke some fun at ourselves. BUT also give yourself credit where credit is due. Because you deserve it 🙂
Facing your fears is the hardest thing of all to do. And you are doing that today.
We are here, for you.
xxxxx

one/joy_step_at_a_time

the thing is – it gets inside me. this kind of stuff. right now. i keep trying to find my psychic boundaries and they are pretty much not there. this is one of the reasons i was spath bait. i know that i am more than this. more than just a person to be abused.

and i have to not allow it.

i have to get to where you said ltl – i just say i took care of it – NOT let him control MY agenda.

we do not have to explain ourselves to abusive people. it is BEST that we don’t. that is such a huge shift for me in the best of moments, this is not a best moment.

learnthelesson

One –

I got it.. Exfoliating…we all need to do that so regrowth and fresh new stronger thicker skin can make its way through!!

You cant feel dead skin! Its a good sign…. you are going through the process…20 minutes is perfect time limit…and then get into gear for your day of work!

you are also more AWARE of others, and triggers, and how you want to handle them…this is progress…this is – it just SUCKS going through it!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

witty – you are so soft with me, always makes me cry – in a good way.

we posted over each other. facing fears – a lot of how i am dealing with abusive folks these days is NC – spath, sib, father, bully landlord. taking the time to deal with work and housing and coping with health. i have been doing that take care of myself thing.

okay – here’s the weird: i responded to a threat, and NOW feel like there will be retribution for it. and that is some of the questioning or judging or what ever it is that i am doing about this. in standing up for myself i have opened a door to more bullying and abuse. whooaaa, as true as it may be that more may come, that’s a nasty internalization

but, my life is riddled with that. N father is SO smooth with that, that i have barely noticed that he was doing it for YEARS.

i pray that this situaition will lend me some good, that it will move forward in some way, that there is enough good in the world that some of it will show up in this situaion. that i will look for the gift and act as if there is one.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ltl – more like chemical burn than exfoliation!

learnthelesson

Ouch – One-step…. whatever it is …you are healing it. You are taking back YOUR control and you are healing it and growing new thicker skin.

“In standing up for myself you have opened a door to more bullying and abuse”

Yes – that is so the FEAR – the expected – the common theme… but it is also only possible if you let that door be opened.

The door cannot be opened – when you deal with it right then and there. Its a huge mountain to climb to stand up for yourself and then wonder what the ramifications might be — but you control that to a certain extent too. You are NOT going to let him bully you – you get to choose how you would like to handle it – tell him you took care of it … dont answer his call until you feel a bit stronger.

I really do see this as progress. Painful progress..

one/joy_step_at_a_time

as long as it’s progress ltl, i’ll take it.

witsend

One Step,
It is natural that after you stood up for yourself you fear that it is not over…The retribution. But that awareness (alone) is the difference between now and before. And that in initself is moving forward. You are aware that he is going to try and bully you.
Your agenda is your agenda. His agenda is his agenda. You did what you had to do for you. And that is what you have to continue to do. Do what you need to do for you. Put yourself first. One day at a time. One step at a time.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. And look for that around you, today. Kind and gentle people. If you see that in someone today, take comfort in that.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ty witty. sniff.

‘Kind and gentle people. If you see that in someone today, take comfort in that. ‘ already have. 🙂 but will seek that out.

x one step

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