Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
Dear Tobehappy,
When I wrote my above response, I really wrote it in reaction to your last question…how do we feel alive again? And when I started I said this will not be the response for a one week post relationship status…but it still is something to work toward LATER, DOWN THE ROAD.
You will be ok. I will look for the article that Kathleen wrote that will help you with what you are feeling. Its all feelings that are normal. You went through hell and back.
You will find you CAN get your life back and make sure people EARN YOUR TRUST from now on…not just give it to them. That really sets up a strong safe place for you to protect yourself – knowing their ACTIONS match up with their words…
You are not becoming one. You are learning about them, different people, different ways, different choices in life – and wanting to make the best ones for you and your children now. Its not that you didnt want all that before – its just that you didnt have the tools to deal with a bad man. So life became like a living hell WITH HIM.
Its not a living hell now — just hell to go through it. If you stayed with him I can guarantee it would be a living hell. THEY DONT CHANGE.
Im sorry about your childhood abuse.. Once you work through finding newfound self-trust, and self-worth and self-value (and if I could do it- anyone can)…but once you reconnect with the little girl who has grown up now you will be able to let go of some pain and gain more strength.
Sometimes its not such a bad thing to see life differently now. For me, the way I was so trusting and giving and caring without it being reciprocal in a romantic relationship – I am glad today I see life different in that my partner has to earn my trust before I give him my trust and goodness.
You will get your faith in yourself again..and then in life again. Take it easy tonight… you are going through changes and alot of painful stuff..but you will get through it. Keep posting and sharing and asking questions…there will be answers for you.. Im going to look for that article.
Silvermoon–Fantastic post. Your list of 1-4 were so spot on to how I am feeling.
2tobehappy–I am in the same place you are. It has only been a month but I have been having anxiety attacks for three weeks. I feel like I can’t get past the grief stage. I dont’ even feel that angry– just numb. I know that i have put up with him for so many years because I felt that no one else would want me and to be honest, I thought that by him coming back to me all the time that that proved he really did love me. But he is with another woman now who I have been told has money. When he met me, I had some as I just went through a divorce and got a settlement. I was bankrupt within five years after I got involved with him. This woman is supposedly a widow whose husband left her money. No wonder he wants her. He needs a car as he doesn’t own one and I am sure he is looking for her to pick up the bill. Yet there is still that creepy feeling I have that says I miss him. That horrible tape that says at least I felt alive when he was around and now there is nothing but silence at home. My kids are out of the house grown and gone and it’s just me sitting here feeling like a bomb blew up. My friends who say he was an ass, just move one but don’t know the full extent of my addiction to him. I have become numb now. I too wonder if I will ever feel happy and whole again. i am scared and feeling very alone
I talked to a therapist the other day who understood when I revealed that I was involved with a spath.That gave me some hope but I can’t afford to go to therapy regularly as I struggling to even pay my rent. But I had to talk to someone or I felt I would go mad with anxiety and grief. Why do I feel anxious? I am not sure. Because the phone doesn’t ring or am I afraid that it will and I will become entwined again. That his pattern of becoming “friends” again so he can keep me as his backup when this relationship bores him as it inevitably will. I am afraid of myself as am of him. I am afraid of being so wrong about men who “love” me. I want to heal faster but am not. I recognize that all of you here have the same stories I do and can laugh at how alike we are. We are good people! Thanks to everyone who posts for helping me get through the day. I need all of you right now.
Thank you Learned….
I will await the link. I AM having a bad day. I guess its expected. I was angry and then thought I let go of it. I was “pumped up” and proud of myself for ending it.
But, now, and I SWEAR, I don’t want to hear from him, to know he still “loves me” like when we broke up this past summer….Its not about that.
Its about Me letting him use me. I KNEW he was, even though he tried to throw me off with his texts and calls. He was OBVIOUS. He would only come down to see me when he wanted sex. Otherwise, I had to “meet” him places halfway.
Of course, I made excuses…that he worked so hard and couldn’t drive down here all of the time..etc.
I was an ENABLER!! I LET him use me. I FELL for his manipulative lies!!
Only DEEP down, I KNEW what he was doing. Every few days after a sex night, he would start texting…Hey sexy…of course, not the few days AFTER sex. Only when he wanted it. I used to laugh to myself at how obvious he was.
I can’t figure out WHY I was settling. I even told my sister and g/f’s ..that I don’t care if I’m settling…I don’t really want a relationship….so I’m happy with him “caring ” about me, calling me all of the time, and the few nights of sex.
Now, I am CONFUSED. I was not only being dishonest with HIM…I was being dishonest with MYSELF.
I believed that he really loved me so much…UNTIL I started confronting him on things I wasn’t happy with.
He got mad and RAN like a little child when I did!
I don’t know whats really bothering me. I don’t want him in my life…but the WAY he lied to me so many times…and thought that I would keep him around while he was living with his exg/f !
Or…he sabatoged the relationship and knew I would end it if he did….I don’t know. He said that I shoudl “understand” and “support” him…that he couldn’t afford his own place. UGH!
Are you kidding me?
I now wonder if he has been seeing BOTH of us all along!
It doesn’t matter and I will NEVER know.
My problem is not the r/s..the past. Its trying to figure out how to make new goals and move on.
2behappy,
You are describing my relationship with me ex. I swear I could find an old post of mine from two years ago and the similarities would be uncanny.
At the point I knew he was abusing, lying, stealing – I stayed. I still dont have all of my answers as to why…just some…and it was about me, my past, my lack of tools, my lack of self- awareness and my denial and not want to face or believe the reality…
Its an emotional journey from here on out..ups and downs…revelations…heartache over all of it…but stay here..take one day at a time..for every bad day…there will be better ones down the road. And try very hard to stay NC..
Im so glad youre here…and Im sorry for your pain right now…you are on the right track to find more healthiness in your life/relationships.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/01/18/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-1-the-path/
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/01/25/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-2-”“-painful-shock/
And as you go through each phase/process.. you can read the others that you relate to. All of Kathleens insightful articles can be found on this page:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/category/kathleen-hawk/
xo LTL
tobehappy, I’m just jumping in for a moment. Everyone else is giving you great advice and insight.
I suspect you’ve gone through some of the stages of healing before, but you’re starting from scratch again, in a way. Being mad at yourself is where we begin. We feel so stupid and like such hopeless victims. It’s not really true, of course, because it doesn’t include the fact that you were targeted by someone who is very good at what he does.
But don’t worry about where you are right now, just feel your feelings. Whatever comes up for you right now is the right thing. Even if it’s obsessing about what happened. Or ranting about his behavior. Or feeling totally aggrieved for being treated so badly. Feel the feeling. That’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
And don’t worry about getting stuck anywhere. Healing is a complex process. You’ll move around through your emotions a lot. Even that path I wrote about will have a lot of parallel layers as you find something you need to heal, when you’re mostly healed from something else. Sociopaths wound us in a lot of ways. And I suspect from your background with more than one N/S/P type that you may have family issues as well that may start coming up in healing from this character.
The only thing that can slow your healing is if you reject your feelings. It’s inevitable that you’re going to feel sick at times. You have a right to feel sick. You’ve been through a lot. You need to treat yourself as well as you would treat one of your children if they hurt themselves or someone hurt their feelings. In fact, you absolutely have to do this, because part of the learning that we get from these relationships is how to take better care of ourselves.
I’m so glad you’re here. And the fact that you’ve already done a lot of healing work in the past in going to help you now. But you have to take it seriously that you have been wounded, and that it’s going to take a little time for you to get better. You deserve this time. If you’re kind to yourself, it will be easier to for you be kind to your children and continue to be a good mother. And you’ll see, it will all work out.
When you come through this, you’re going to find that you’re smart, stronger and more confident than you’ve ever been in your life. So take your time. This is a good thing. It might not feel like it right now, but this is the hard part. It’s going to get easier and better.
Sending you a big supportive hug —
Kathy
Kathy,
I spent the last two days reading EVERYTHING you wrote and I even took notes. I went to my neighbor/friend and read her and talked to her about everything. She spent the whole summer with me and we talked all day and then more at night out on my deck.
I went to a church organization this summer and started counselling with a domestic abuse counselor. All of this got me through the summer.
Then in September, he sucked me in . He wrote me a sorry letter and texted me “I want to marry you” and even sent a note with 100 money order and said he “owes” me money for me loaning him money while we were together!
By mid October, I couldn’t take it anymore. I told myself, Wow, he must really love me! So I contacted him back and he came over and told me alot of lies about marrying me.
I fell for his “sincerity” and was happy.
Then, within a few weeks, I started feeling anxiety again! I decided to CONFRONT him and I broke up with him again, about “getting married” and then Xmas was awful and New Years too. Thats when I decided that enough pain was enough.
By the end of January, I texted him that “I am not the woman for you” so , to get back at me, he told me he was moving back into his rented house (with his x g/f) as friends.
He expected me to accept this and even offered to come over and help me pay some bills. I KNEW he was just sucking me in again…so I ended it.
Now, I thought I was stronger. But, after a few days now, I am sinking again. I am crying alot and its because, even though I ended it, I feel so USED and ABUSED. I wonder if he was living with her this whole time!
I have a creepy feeling that he is sicker than I thought and has been sleeping around with other women. I even went for an HIV test in the summer and wonder if I should go back for another one now.
I feel like SCREAMING tonight! I hate myself for loving him.
I am so ashamed of myself! I can barely function. I feel so sorry for my kids…they see me like this.
I can’t believe that I am BACK where I was in the summer. The only difference is that back then, I still loved him.
Now I see him as a laughing devil…I can’t believe he is so EVIL.
I don’t even want to live on this earth with so many Satans around. I have a grim outlook today.
And this is SO not like me. Its opposite. I was always the sweet, compassionate, empathetic, cheery, positive person that everyone loves to be around.
He killed that part of me and I don’t feel alive anymore.
thank you for your posts. I don’t know if I’m going to come through this . I don’t see any light.
TobeHappy,
Im glad you read all of Kathys articles. It will help…Time will help too.
Your kids need you…look at the light in their eyes…
Also – I had to come to terms with the fact his ACTIONS never matched up with his words. Only small temporary bursts of “attention” and “showing some form of compassion” when I would pull out…he would come on full force.
Is he the man for you?? If he came to your door today and got on his knees and said sorry – would you believe him – would you EVER be able to trust him? These are things I had to keep realizing – but i was so messed up about it and felt so much for him and HATED myself for being so weak and pathetic – (I wasnt tho – I was just unable to deal with him and his polar opposite ways of doing things) He was not the man for me.
Please dont hate yourself for being capable of loving and giving. That is a wonderful quality —
Dont be ashamed – you were hoping for him to be the man you envisioned – the man he presented himself to you as in the beginning.
We cant allow one person to destroy us. We cant give up on growing and learning and becoming whole again. We can see the world in a different light and be more prepared and better protected by relying on what weve learned and others actions.
You will come through this. You will see light again…Little specks and flecks as certain better days come to pass…and some dark days inbetween – but the light and better days are ahead. I promise..
tobehappy, you’re going to come through this just fine. But it would help if you stopped hating yourself. You need to forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.
There is a cycle to healing, and it might help if you think about this. First we focus on ourselves, beating ourselves up. Then we realize that we wouldn’t have all these problems, if it weren’t for them. And then we get mad and blame them, and go to work on making rules for ourselves to protect ourselves better. And then, when we feel a little more confident about being able to protect ourselves, we’re strong enough to look at our own part in the whole thing, how we got into it and why we allowed it to go on.
So you’re in the first part of the cycle right now, and it’s the most painful part, because you’re making yourself responsible for all the pain he caused you. You’ve got the pain he gave you. And you’ve got the pain you’re causing yourself by beating yourself up.
Think about this: would you feel this way if it hadn’t been for him? Would you have treated yourself this way if he hadn’t been in the picture? You need to start looking at his contribution to this situation more carefully. If that means going over the history of the relationship a few more times, maybe writing it out, so you can see the difference between him and a caring, trustworthy, compassionate person, maybe that would be a good thing for you to do.
I think that a lot of people here have techniques for doing this. I know that, for me, I had to write a list of every single time he hurt me, lied to me, betrayed me, didn’t do what he promised, etc. I needed to get a handle on what kind of person I was dealing with, and understand that he wasn’t like me. Maybe that would be a place for you to start.
But definitely, switch gears from the self-flagellating mode. Rather be good to yourself. Take a nice long bath. Listening to some soothing music. Treat yourself like someone who’s been hurt, because that’s the truth of it. It’s okay if you feel sorry for yourself. Really. Give in. You’ve been through a long, hard time with a very difficult person.
People who don’t understand what it’s like to be with a sociopath might suggest that you were responsible, and that there’s something wrong with you for not getting out of it sooner. Don’t let them get to you. These guys really are good, and they prey on our dreams and our needs. Every single person here went through it, and we are not stupid. Believe me, you’re not alone.
This year it will be six years since I finally threw mine out after five years of multiple chapters of letting him back into my life, after he did things that were so disgusting and horrible that I couldn’t believe it was happening in my life. By that time I got away from him, I was suicidal and the only reason I didn’t kill myself is that I didn’t want to leave my son with that legacy. I got better, and I mean I really got better. I know that you’re in pain right now, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But it really will get better, and you will be amazed at how well it comes out.
Treat yourself like a baby with a booboo. Really. Go cuddle up on the couch with a fuzzy blanket and some Hagan Daz and an Adam Sandler movie, and try to give yourself a break from worrying. You’ve got all day tomorrow to figure out what you have to be mad at him (not you) about.
Good night all, I’m off to bed.
Kathy
LTL, I just wanted to thank you for recommending my articles. I’ve seen you do it a few times, and I’m so grateful that you remember them and keep them alive. — Kathy
Thanx Ox. 4 months and counting. Rosie my ex tried to file for visitation and then dropped it. He too never did anything with her when she was with him. She just played with his mistresses 4 kids. It was strange that she stopped wanting to go over there even with “playmates.” That is what brought it all to an end. She began screaming and crying every time he came to get her and I don’t think his ego could take it anymore.
Tobehappy: It will definitely get better. It took me about 4 months to wake up. I was crying everyday and not eating. I started to exercise, attend support groups and journal every night. I now think about how this is the only life I have. The book “A New Earth” talks about it not being the situation that upsets us but the thoughts. The book talks about living in the present and not dwelling on the past even if it were 30 seconds ago or 30 weeks ago. It is very hard but I am trying. I try to skim through the book every night to remind myself of trying to live in the present and not the past.