Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
So, I just finished cleaning out his stuff and getting ready to shove it in his vehicle and see who shows up to get it in case he does get out of jail.
Gotta laugh at finding an address that he’d told me was a guy connection where we used to live and I’d been supportive of his finding guys who liked the same sport in the new area he moved to.
LOL! SHE has a facebook page and has been calling his cell phone for days. Guess they had a date he didn’t make.
Well, I know what she got. HAHAHAHA! Same every time.
So, I think we should have a companion website that runs banner ads on the dating sites and shows people how to look up meaningful info for free. Like I just found the Bureau of Prisons Web site and you can look up Federal Inmates for free- I bet there is more good info like that compared to hiring PI’s.
Makes me mad that I did have him checked out by two PI’s and neither of then found out about the jail part. and then I paid a ton to look up duplicate information in multiple sites.
There really has to be a better way.
Banner ads on dating sites!
If I’d only known then what I know now.
Yeah, Its disappointing. Awful etc.
But the empowerment comes from knowledge and understanding.
I keep coming back to the idea that lying is an act of self abdication. The liars gives them self up and no matter how awful it is to be lied to, I am still myself.
Freedom is worth it. Living well is best revenge.
I keep thinking of the example of the coyote in a trap. They will bite their own legs off to be free of it. Sure, its easy to be angry about being in a trap until its time to BITE down hard and that hurts, but once you’re free, Its all about what next?
The past is gone. There is only now. Its a great moment!
ZZZZZZZZZz
I was real, he pretended to be because that is what he does to survive.
Hi Abigail and welcome to LF! Your story resonates on so many levels with me and while I am happy to read from someone else who has been through this, I’m also sorry you had to go through this in the first place.
I haven’t been on in the past several days, but I’ve been busy reading and learning. I also had an experience with my ex spath that blew me away..and it shouldn’t have because he is what he is and he won’t change.
Over the past 2 weeks, both my son and I came down with whatever flu is going around. Last weekend was particularly difficult as my son had been very sick and then I got hit with it too. My son asked to see his dad, something he does NOT do often these days. I allowed it for a little while and then told him to go. He didn’t give me any crap, he just left. Later, I receive a phone call. It’s anonymous and I usually don’t answer those but I do have an elderly neighbor who calls sometimes under “anonymous” and I thought it might be her. It wasn’t. It was him. He asked me ONE question; should I keep working on the 3 of us getting back together as a family? HUH??? My answer, of course, was no, followed by a quick explanation that there was NO relationship, therefore there was nothing to work on. Then I hung up.
This was the first time he had actually been around at ALL and it was only because his child was sick.
What I learned from this is that they think in ways we cannot conceive of. He honestly thought because he was allowed to see his son that that meant we were working on getting back together. THIS is how they think; OK, I got one foot in the door. Let me see how to get the other one in, when in fact he’s not EVER going to live here again, there is no relationship nor will there ever be. I also did a little background checking and sure enough, he’s going to be kicked out of where he is living currently. He wants a roof over his head and he thought he could work his way back in here. NO, NO and NO.
This underscored the importance of NO CONTACT. Even though we have a son, I have come to believe in COMPLETE no contact.
hens, your comment that you are real and he did what he has to to survive is exactly what I’m talking about here. I have not read completely through this thread but your comment struck home.
I am SO happy THAT is not in my house. I can’t even call him human. In my eyes, you must have a soul. You must have a conscience and truly possess certain emotions, which he does not.
Funny. My N/P referred to his ex-wife & his daughter as “my previous life.” I always thought that odd.
How horrifying that he shot the door! I know that feeling of calmness you describe. Disassociation. I felt that once when my N got physically violent to me the first time. I felt detached & was just watching him from another location. I fell apart later.
Seems to me that all this is all so fresh & recent for you. I can only imagine that you are still in a state of total shock. I left mine 10 months ago and I am still struggling to get out of the web of the narcissist. And, I have been ‘no contact’ since late October. And, since I left had no feeling for him other than fear & contact was strictly about property settlement. We married. Nothing like divorcing a narcissist-psychopath.
Maybe now you can reconcile with your best friend? Send her a link via e-mail to your story. Take care.
Good morning to all my lifesavers…
I am glad that I didn’t leave the house and go out last night. My girls would have worried more about me. I just didn’t want them to see me cry and in such pain.
This morning I woke up feeling a bit calmer. The girls are still asleep. I decided to go into my drafts and read the journal that I kept , daily, from when the roof caved in on me last year with this man.
It was healing, to say the least. I realized that all along I was feeling the same thing since the beginning of my involvement with this THING. I won’t even call it a relationship, because he is NOT human.
I realized that all of the “hot flashes” were severe anxiety attacks for violating my OWN laws.
I CHOSE to stay in the sick involvement with this THING. It was obviously filling a need I had. The need was to be in a relationship and feel loved by a man, after so many years of not having a man/ sex/ companionship..in my life.
I understand it all, and how DANGEROUS it was for me to not be honest with myself and to feel so desperate and unworthy, that I would settle for less than I deserved…a REAL relationship.
I also realize that I didn’t really feel ready for a REAL relationship, which is why I settled for what I had with him…a “buddy” and “sex”..
This is what he told the woman he was talking to online the other day(me) on the dating site. He said that he was not going to marry his X (me), she was a good buddy and had fun with her and she was very cute too.
Imagine that? I think that going onto that site and hearing him say that VALIDATED the fact that we were just friends with benefits.
He threw me “crumbs” to keep me around. Thats why he “faked” caring and was willing to help me pay some bills, in the end. He figured I’d fall for it. He totally trusted me and knew I’d pay him back.
Well, the last day we spoke, I did FINALLY ask him for 300.00 to help me pay a cell phone bill. He gave it to me, probably because HE needed the contact with me. Again, its always for HIS benefit…like the whole relationship was.
Well, he got what he needed and I guess I did too. I was willing to accept the “illusion” that someone cared..even though the anxiety attacks were awful.
Imagine that? Willing to live in a constant state of anxiety, just to feel that someone cared?
Well, I obviously couldn’t do it. Since October, when we got back, I had one foot out of the door. It hasn’t been right. I started to buck him…confront him…question him…which , of course….caused him to back off.
Thanks to the support you all gave me, on here…I made it THROUGH the night…the DARK night…and now I see LIGHT!!!
I am going to clean up my messy house, from the past few days…go food shopping…take care of my kids…and GET ON WITH MY OWN LIFE..
I feel so much better today.
Thank you everyone….I need to hold onto this feeling as long as I can today..and take things hour by hour and one day at a time.
Healing is heaven …. Thank you everyone.
Oh, in reference to putting banners to warn people of these dangerous creatures…
The women, like us, that respond and get involved with these creatures…NEED to for the same reasons we needed to.
It was time for us to meet someone who would help us replay the old tapes and to heal our “inner child” so that we can grow and evolve , by healing some old hurts…so that we can feel PEACE.
These creatures are TRIGGERS of our old hurts. That is why they are here roaming the earth. We choose them to heal from the creatures in our past…to find peace within..once and for all.
I truly feel that until we DO get brought down to our old feelings of unworthiness…which these Sociopaths do for us, we never really get to heal our “primal drama’s” damage.
I NEEDED to meet one more Sociopath to bring me down.
I truly feel that “when your’e down to nothing, God is up to something.” And “GOD” is in all of us. It was that “instinct” that was yelling out to us…..GET OUT!!
wow tobehappy, You have said loads that resonates with so many of us here.
I am so happy to see you are on the right path, evaluating and recognizing what has been done to you and your part in it (accepting it). This is a huge step and you are definately on the right path to healing and moving on, to regaining your sense of self and becoming a stronger person!
Good luck, your making excellent progress! When you have a bad day, come back and read your post here and remember what its like to feel strong and in charge of your life, let it be a constant reminder for you to stay on track!
I love your self-awareness, tobe, and your spirituality, also.
I was another one who was willing to live in a constant state of anxiety all for the sake of love…sticks finger down throat…
Dear TobeHappy,
I had gone to bed by the time you were having your “melt down” last night—I think NIGHTS are generally worse for that than days! I called them the “Night terrors” and the nights seemed so LONG. The rest of the world is asleep and there we are wide awake with our pain and anxiety! Glad that there were other LF-ers here to help you through it.
This up-down-up again roller coaster is a normal part of the healing process but at the time it makes you wonder WILL IT EVER END? The answer is first it slowsw down, then the peaks get shorter and the valleys are not so deep and eventually it starts to level out–even now I can step in a “hole” once in a while but I don’t stay there long, like I used to. As LTL said, it is like getting over Mono, it is slower than we would like but one day you will wake up and realize you have been on level ground for quite some time.
Hang in there (and yea, I know that sounds trite, but it is what we have to do, hang ON!) (((((hugs)))) oxy
Has anyone read that , what is it, a poem? Don’t know who wrote it, and I don’t have a copy, so I am paraphrasing, but it goes something like this:
I fell into a hole. It took me forever to get out of that hole. I struggled and struggled to pull myself up, and finally I got out of the hole.
The next day, I walked down the same street, and I saw the hole. I still fell into the hole, and again it took a long time to get out.
The next day, walking down that street, I saw the hole, and tried to walk around it, but I tripped and sprained my ankle. It hurt quite a bit, for a while.
The next day, I remembered there was a hole, and walked down a different street.
I think thats how we recover from psychopaths.
I like this quote, too,( but again, don’t know who said it):
A wise man learns from his own mistakes.
A genius learns from the mistakes of others.