Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
to Knowledge, Kim, and ox…
Thank you for your replies. I did have a major “meltdown” last night. It was landmark, though. I finally sobbed my eyes out. Hadn’t done that for seven years!
They say that tears are healing. We release. I finally did that last night..I was crying for the little abused girl inside of me, the woman who was abused in an 8 yr marriage, the wounded woman who brought another monster into her life to abuse her more.
Funny, but Feb. 27th, 16 yrs ago, my mother had a heart attack and I conceived my first angel…how uncanny!
I was REBORN yesterday…the anniversary that I made another human being grow inside of me. No coincidnece here!
Another uncanny thing…it was the anniversary of my first date with the monster!
I really believe that the monster I was dealing with was brought into my life, by me, to show me that I wasn’t healed from so much past pain.
Robert Najemey is my next step. You’ve got to be ready to heal to listen to his UTUBES on inner healing. He is a Greek man who has a website..i think HolisticHealing.com not sure.
This is where MY energy is going now. I found him in August, when the monster came back. I was on my way…but evidently not ready yet.
I’m ready now. The closer you get to God, the harder the Devil tries to get in. I remember that from early christian learning..lol Its true.
I can assure you that my monster will contact me again soon…but this time, I AM STRONG enough to repel him.
I really believe that I healed some deep inner hurts last night.
When I was sobbing, it wasn’t about HIM only. It was about ME letting him in again.
I will be posting here daily. I will vent to people who understand and continue to read and understand more from the valuable information everyone shares on this site.
I will also share any new insights to my self growth for those who are also on that page.
Thank you, everyone…for saving my life. I really don’t know if I would have had the breakthrough last night, had it not been for all of you.
This site is a miracle.
Another miracle…I accidentally, just now, went onto another thread on here and started reading about men that are in LAW enforcement. How “risk takers” who seek thrill, are dangerous red flags too.
Well, my Xhusb was a risk taker…flew planes, and jumped out of them..etc…and spends his time “gambling” online with future trading..day trading…high risk to lose money…and he did!
The X b/f is a retired cop! He was known as the “prince of the city” ..the bully…always in trouble for doint things he wasn’t supposed to…..charging through walls..into houses! When he wanted to get a guy, he said….He had an adrenaline rush!!
He often braggged about this!!! RED FLAG!!
He actually HIT a kid on our job together! Broke his nose and lied about it to ME even! Six months later he admitted it to me..but never came clean with the place!!
And, knowing this..I defended him!!! OMG…I was Patty Hearst!!!!
WOW…such revelations.
But, the “truth will set you free” and I am now free of his satanic ways..
THANK GOD!!
Good Morning 2behappy,
Hope you have a better day today… Lots of great support and advice here for us always…
And Oxy…gotta give credit to Rosa for the great Mono analogy! That CRS can really catch up with me and you now that LF is so popular.. Ill look out for you if you look out for me… 🙂
I remember when I didnt know what CRS was …and was so very sorry to learn you had some kind of ailment ! 🙂 Then when you told me you had “Cant Remember Shit” I cracked up all day! :))
Have a great day everyone!
Dear All, I have the following piece that I just love. I’ve had it for years and much of it resonates for me and perhaps for others on here as well. It addresses so many things that we have all faced or are facing.
Hugs!
Cat
Awakening
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.You come to terms with the fact that he/she is not Prince/Princess Charming and you are not Cinder/Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance .
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are … And that’s OK (They are entitled to their own views and opinions). And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval .
You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance .
You stop judging and pointing fingers … and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop, and what you should drive; how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms … just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.” You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. … and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect; and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch … and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve … and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy .
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve; and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state — the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself; and you to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart’s desire.
And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
–Author Unknown
Wow Kim….great poem!
I am definitely walking down a DIFFERENT street and with my eyes wide open to avoid anymore “HOLES”!!!
And, I will being wearing a suit of armor!!! LOL..
thanks for sharing that!
i still have those nagging moment’s where I ask myself maybe if I had dont this or that, maybe if I had tried that one last time he wanted to. Maybe it was more my fault than his. Maybe I am the unloveable one. Then I make my self remember the lies, make myself remember that gut feeling that he was using me, how he could turn my feelings of doubt into feelings of guilt and shame. I remember how he took years off my life. I guess I want him to feel bad for what he did, ashamed for taking advantage of me and my kindness. But that wont happen because he doesnt give what he does any thought, once it was over he just moved on. Is he happy and content? with someone more suitable for his life style? Probably so – and that nags at me.
Cat,
you said: “What I learned from this is that they think in ways we cannot conceive of”
I think this really nails it. And to understand him better turn that sentence around. He can’t concieve how you FEEL or think either. And he is not “wired” like we are so he doesn’t even care to explore or CARE, or to give it any thought, how you might feel.
He has NO IDEA how pissed off, hurt and devistated you are by his past behavior. NO IDEA.
This is all just past tense to him. Because he had no investment. That is key. They were never emotionally invested in the relationship. So it is all just like water under the bridge to them as they go on their merry way.
He is so wrapped up in his own shallow thoughts that all he knows is that he might need a place to stay in the future….And so he figures your house would be a nice place to stay. It would work for him (in his distorted sense of thinking) He doesn’t see beyond that.
That is lovely, simply lovely, thank you so much for sharing that!
Just since going NC I can feel my old self come back, I am a better person, once again able to give, not so wrapped up in my own hurt that I can’t focus outside myself.
These words you shared are so empowering! thank you!
Cat….definitely copying that one and hanging it on my refrigerator…
My new morning prayer!!!
Thank you!!!
Hens..he ISN’T happy with that…and SHE isn’t going to be happy with him either!
So…no more letting that false thought NAG at you!!
Its REALITY….you need that dose. lol
I woke up to this last night!