Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
silvermoon
As a parting from the site today, here’s a thought from a class I took eons ago in California where they do that sort of thing…..
If you breathe in slowly and exhale at a controlled rate and then make the sound OM for as long as you can sustain it. you can’t at the same time have a concious thought.
That is why it works for meditation. So, it works for me when my imagination and inner voice is running wild. Might be a useful thing ?
Also, I have found the work of Echardt Tolle on the POWER of NOW to be very helpful. Anyone else?
Ox Drover
Guys, yes, they ARE exciting!
My egg donor was totally dumbfounded when she told me “BUT they were soooooo respectful to me!”
What did you think that they would say “give me your money you old bat!?” Of course not, they say “we love you” and they get more money and/or more sex than if they said “look biatch give it up”! Sheesh even an idjit could figger that out! I guess I finally figgered it out too! DUH! Where’s the pointy hat that goes with my stool and says DUNCE! LOL
silvermoon
Lets see, I counted 16 active internet dating accounts and looked though hundreds of emails to different women.
Very methodical process. What I saw was the inner working mechanics of this monsterous phenomenon. I saw the word love used like salt on food or sugar in tea. But all it meant was sex feels good or I hate being alone and not having attention.
I am so sorry for the empty existence that must be but I don’t have to entertain it. That is no way to spend MY life.
Women were his business. His job. And he pursued it with professional manner and zeal.
I wish I could donate what I saw to research. It was ALL THAT.
Remember the story of Red Riding Hood and the snake?
She was on her way to grandma’s and she saw a snake.
And the snake said I am cold please carry me under your warm coat.
And she said no, you will bite me because that is what snakes do.
no, I won’t he pleaded. And said how cold he was and wished to be warm.
So she picked him up and let him be warm under her coat in the pocket and suddenly she felt a sharp pain.
YOU BIT ME! Exclaimed Red Riding Hood.
Well, um , yeah. I did. But I’m a snake and that is what snakes do.
Its neither here nor there to US either. Its over.
There isn’t anything to talk about with them.
There isn’t anything to resolve.
NO BITING! NO SNAKES! NO MORE Bull*.*
So NOW what?!
No Contact.
Time to move on.
What happened is in the past.
This is NOW.
NOW What?
And it seems to me that if the answer NOW is a hot bath or a cookie or a walk, its ok.
If its reading the site or asking for help from a pro. its ok.
If it is anything but dwelling on the past, its ok.
There is nothing for me in that past I know that NOW.
Hmmm. I’m getting distracted about the cookie….
Nite all!
tobehappy
I just never had someone “say all the right things” to me and..at the right time.
One time I told my sister…I just love this man. He says all the right things…
In other words, exactly what I needed to hear! I was very insecure with myself when we started dating.
So…with my insecurities, I NEEDED to hear what he said.
I guess he knew that.
Don’t they ever feel guilty for saying things they don’t mean? Or..do they convince themselves that they are really in love with us?
I remember when we first started seeing each other…about a month later…he texted me and said..”I have some deep stuff to say”…he said that he loved me and can’t stop thinking about me all of the time and that he hasn’t felt this for a long time…and he is confused.
I thought that he was afraid of his “strong feelings”.
Then another time, he said..”I don’t know what it is ..if its the sex or you I am in love with”.
Gee…at least he was being honest.
You know..it was my fault too. I should have dated him for at least 3 months with no sex, until I checked him out. I screwed up because we worked together for 2 yrs before he asked me out! I figured we “knew” each other, daily. I also figured that he wouldn’t want to sleep with me and then face me everyday, if he didn’t really plan to stick around.
God…what a mess!
tobehappy
I think I’m still in the anger stage…
I thought I was past it..but, as Kathy said..you go in and out of the stages.
Yesterday, I felt differently. I felt that I was ready to move on.
I am angry today that I let myself be vulnerable to his manipulations and lies.
I just want to erase these thoughts and not go back there again.
ErinBrock
2Be:
It’s a rollercoaster….journey…..
All the phases of grief…..you think you got one behind you….then on to next, next, next…then you find yourself right back in a phase you thought you had put behind….
It’s a process….and ya gotta just go with each phase, learn about yourself and what and how things affect you and take it on your journey…..
Don’t expect this to pass quick…..it’s not a quick ‘ride’…..
so buckel up girl….and put your hair up….ya don’t want it getting caught on the tracks…..
tobehappy
Erin,
Thank you. I am having a hard time today. I just wrote him an angry letter (unsending, of course) to get my feelings out.
I just don’t like being in this place. I hate feeling angry.
I go from being angry at him..to being angry at myself..to both.
And, I know its not good to hold onto these feelings, but I can’t seem to get my head to think different thoughts and to see things in a better light.
The good thing is that I finally stood up to him and said “get lost”.
The bad thing, is that I am angry at the things he did to me during the relationship..but MORE mad at myself for allowing it!!! UGH!!!
Gotta get past this!!!
ErinBrock
I wrote hundreds of those letters through the years…..NEVER gave ONE to him….they are mine….they remind me of my raw emotions during that time…..I NEVER censored myself when I wrote…..which now I am grateful.
It is very healing ……and I think necessary to do….for ourselves!!!
Keep writing….keep a spiral notebook at every point…..and write freely.
It’s a release.
Give it time!!!
tobehappy
Thank You Erin….
I’ve been journalling and writing him unsent letters alot. It feels good to get it out.
I really need to refocus and make believe he’s dead.
Yesterday I felt motivated to do things…got moving…cleaned up..sang songs.
Today I was tired and my defenses dropped.
Thanks for responding Erin….HUGS
ErinBrock
You can’t just ‘poof’ him out of your mind…..you must ‘process’ him out…..
If you can keep a ‘balance’…..then it’s much easier…..keep the highs balanced and bring em back to neutral……and the lows bring em up to neutral….
because we can’t get the highs without the lows…..so balance is the key…
What comes up must come down……
Ya know….