Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
Knowledge….
Thank you. Just got back from dropping my little one off at the bus-stop. I was thinking…Gee, I don’t miss the ANXIETY I felt while with him. He would usually call me in the morning and I DO NOT miss the calls. I would always get anxiety when he called….wondering where he was last night…feeling used to just have someone to call all of the time…wondering if he would ever say..”hey, lets go somewhere tonite and do something fun” …and usually it was..”I’m coming down tonite” meaning …a booty call.
I started saying…when we got back in October..”No, don’t come down..I’m busy” ALOT. I was pissed off by then..the second time around.
THIS is when he started looking for a new supply. I’m sure, in his sick head, since October, with me not letting him CONTROL the relationship…he was online searching for new prey…saying to himself …F her.
UGH…I am really HAPPY today that I cut him off and out of my life.
Thats ONE thing I feel good about..and I let him know, too, that he dragged my dignity through the mud one last time.
I had to get that out. Let him know that his abuse is over.
Oh, he got mad and ran!
So, this morning I told myself to SHIFT my thinking. Make believe he’s dead and never happenned ..a ship passing in the night…now lost at sea. Hopefully at the bottom of the ocean.
MOVE ON 2b MOVE ON….better things are coming.
Make new goals 2b….get back out on that bike,…spend time with your g/f’s….get POSITIVE and THINK positive thoughts.
A therapist I was seeing back in the summer when we broke up …told me,…everytime you think of him…picture another man that you want in his place…..
Maybe thats what I need to do. Law of Attraction. Not that I want or need another man right now…but someday in the future…
Anyway..thanks for listening and caring
It means the WORLD to me.
You are so on the right track tobe! One day at a time, as you empower yourself with knowledge and a new sense of “Being” you will have fewer and fewer bad days and fewer thoughts of him.
I have seen many posters talk about their visualization techniques, like imagining washing him away from you, breathing in the positive and exhaling the negativity of him, just seeing yourself surrounded by love and goodness, loads of techniques to help you heal and get better.
I use some myself, personally I like to breathe in positivity and love and exhale the negativity and hate.
Do whatever you need to do to help yourself and heal.
I have in the past also written all my hurt on paper then burn it, letting it be engulfed in flames and carried away, its a bit releasing.
Take one day at a time and work to make everyday better then the last.
Huggs
Thank you again Knowledge….
Your name on here says it all. The knowledge we get from sharing our situations…does empower us.
Had I never heard of this disease, Sociopaths, Narcissists, I never would have known what I was dealing with.
Funny, but when we met, I thought he was so different than my xhusb monster. He wasn’t abusive verbally. But, now that I think of it..either was my xhusb at first. We saw each other everyday, back then, and once we moved in together, then the monster came out.
With this x b/f monster I just left, we lived far from each other and didn’t spend much time together..mostly phone and texts. So, I imagine that in time, if we ever lived together, he would be a nightmare.
I think that my 3 days with him in Florida did it for me. I realized so much…being away with him alone. On the way home from the airport, he went off on me…criticized me terribly for the first time! He even admitted that he never did that in 2 yrs! My reaction, which I NEVER did in 2 yrs..was “F you, go find someone else if you don’t like me..I don’t need this.”
So, it came to a head, basically. It was time. I texted him the next morning that “I am not the woman for you” …pretty much really saying ..”YOU are not the man for me.”
I always believe that “EVRERYTHING HAPPENS IN DIVINE RIGHT ORDER”. I live by that.
And, it was time to MOVE ON.
I feel at peace with my decision.
I didn’t realize that , by ending it, I would see what happenned in REALITY, looking back. In other words, when I woke up from the dream(nightmare), and looked back at it..it was really SICK.
Amazing how we don’t see the forest through the trees.
Hi 2behappy,
Just dropped off my littlest one and popped in to get caught up before I head out for a walk..just debating if I should attempt it in sneakers or boots! lol
Youre getting lots of great advice and support and you are making great strides. Remember, this is still very very recent for you — you are going to experience lots and lots of emotions and revelations – just try to go through them not putting pressure on yourself to be in one mode or the other. It will all come together for you as you go.
Sometimes it helped me to literally plan out my day AND FOLLOW IT..
I would allow maybe an hour or so devoted to “sorting out my thoughts of him” then I would stick to it and move on to whatever was next on my to do list. I made sure to include some time to “think about me”, what I wanted to do differently going forward – and very important is to get in exercise for yourself, and doing something special for yourself…reading a chapter of a book, doing nails, baking, gardening…things you like to do or use to like to do but lost the motivation — try to slowly get back to something you like – it really helps take the edge off.
Im a couple of years out of my bad relationship – but the person I am , the way I cared and loved and gave to him — still is a part of me — just a much different part — its acceptance that I was a good person to him and he wasnt the guy for me – there are many guys not for us along the way ..all for so many different reasons – up to and including a toxic one, or a Sociopath…whatever the reason the sooner we accept for whatever the reason – they are not for us or healthy for us or able to add happiness consistently in our lives – the sooner we open ourselves to creating our own happiness and love in our own lives — and with boundaries we open the doors to others more suitable to share our journey with.
Focusing on ourselves is key to this. Letting go when we are reading is key. Ive let go, but every now and then I still have a thought or reminder of my time with him – and its ok — he was a part of my life — a chapter in my life — he ended up not being someone I wanted in my life. His choices SUCKED, his outlook SUCKED, his treatment toward me and others SUCKED, his goals SUCKED, his VIEW ON LIFE was SOOOOOO immature and selfish and messed up. I probably could have easily gone back to him — but I realized all that I was going back to was someone who didnt have my best interest in mind and someone who would always believe his way of doing things was the only way. He is the lie. He is the one living stuck in his own bad choices.
I moved on because I decided to get to know myself and no longer wanted to know or be associated with a bad man who chose to use my goodness instead of cherish it.
Try to figure out why you think you stayed or knew so much and wanted to stay or imagine him coming back now..knocking on your front door — asking for you to come back.. how would that honestly make you feel? Could you trust him? Was he really the guy for you? Can you let go because you want to or have to? Start to think about YOU 🙂 xoxo
Tobehappy;
You are to be commended for having the strength to start NC all over again! Good for you! You have to be a strong women to do it again. Be strong! You will have to start the recovery process all over again but do it. You will have to go through the anger and the hate again to get past HIM. To get over HIM. You can do it! You are blessed with your children so cling to them. You have so much to live for and to be grateful for. And trust me life goes on!
Wow Learned…your post really made me think.
I stayed because I needed someone in my life at the time to fill the void I felt inside….All of his “words” that I believed he meant…of how much he loved me…and how desirable I was…and how much he cared and worried about me…were what I thought I couldn’t feel for myself. He validated that I was a good person, attractive, intelligent.
I also stayed because I never thought anyone could love me as much as he SAID he did.
All along, there were inconsistencies…he would always talk about HIS plans to move, etc..(that didn’t involve ME). When I called him on it..he said that if it wasn’t for meeting me…he wouldn’t even be living in this state! He always had a way to convince me that he was so in love with me. But, again, his actions told me differently. So he kept me confused. (tactic)
Now, if he came back, and showed up…I wouldn’t even want to see his face . I would slam the door on him in disgust. If he emails or texts or calls…I would totally IGNORE it and not respond. I really have nothing more to say to him. He knows I’ve had ENOUGH.
No, he is NOT the guy for me…at all. I WANT to let go. I don’t want him in my life at all.
When I decided to leave my husband, I told everyone…the pain of being away from him…is less than the pain of staying. Thats how I got with this guy.
I couldn’t go on playing his game….acting like I believe his words…I was becoming like him…faking it.
I got to the point, with my xhusb and him, where I couldn’t have sex with them…didn’t want to…couldn’t give my body to them anymore. Thats when I knew it was over…I had to be REAL.
I was in a fantasy like they were in all along. They suck you into their sick world. Then, when we realize we don’t like it there…its over.
Renewedhope…
Love YOUR name too….
My neighbor who is like a mom to me, a dear friend, told me that she thinks I’m back to “April”…when she saw me last week when I decided to stop the insanity and get out.
I assured her that I was NOT back there…numb, depressed, etc…I told her that I was stronger this time…
But, then, in a few days…I started going through the anger and grief. Yesterday was terrible.
One thing that is different this time around..is that I don’t feel that HE feels badly or still loves me, or misses me…etc.
THAT has changed my feelings to be more angry, not so hurt and shocked like I was last summer.
So, maybe I am at a farther stage.
Last summer, I couldn’t cry! I was shocked and numb.
Now, this time, on Saturday, I had a major “meltdown” and SOBBED for over an hour and had to leave and go to my sisters house so that my girls didn’t see me “breakdown”.
So, I think and hope that the “cleansing” was good and that I can move on quicker. This time around, it hit deeper.I was ready to FACE my inner child and cry for that person that needed to be consoled and understood.
I felt a breakthrough that night. Now, unlike last summer, there is NO turning back. I can NEVER be manipulated and sucked in again. I am stronger.
But, I have my moments, like yesterday, when I feel FEAR and ANGER toward him and myself, and SADNESS.
Hopefully today, and each and everyday, I am getting better and better.
thanks for your post. HUGS
2behappy,
Because of the circumstances in my childhood – I really never learned the true meaning of self-love, self-respect, self-worth, self-trust. I really just never had reason to stop and consider what all of those words mean and how they ADD so much more to my life than anyone else ever could. As I began to develop more of each self-awareness aspect – I filled my own void within. Im different now in that I look to share my happiness and my life with someone who isnt looking for someone to love them but looking to share their love they have for themself and also the love they want to give back..
Wow, it sounds soooo deep, but its soooo true. Once I took the time to get all the crap about him out of my head, I really did start to put all that energy into finding out why I would stay with a guy who did all the things he did. Or why I would overlook all of his actions and put all my trust into his words? How could I improve on protecting myself and at the same time continue forward letting others in or choosing not to. I had to figure out myself 🙂
I was looking for someone to love me. But I really didnt know much about what loving myself really meant. Im still learning…but Ive learned when we truly love ourselves, respect ourselves, trust ourselves theres just no room for others to mess with us. We know what we deserve – we know to really watch others actions, others choices and we look at being loved differently. Its not attention – its actions – its growing and learning together in a positive non-abusive way. It WEEDS out so many toxic people for us when we are aware of the meaning of self-love…the rest falls into place – its virtually impossible to get sucked in when we have boundaries and stick to them!
Im so glad you got rid of him. He was not the guy for you or a role model for your kids. The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off :)) its a process and you are so on the right track — please dont forget to do something special for yourself each day — its uplifting and healing and helps keep us on the right track!
Thanks for sharing… have a good day…Im heading out for a walk before more snow again tomorrow!
Dear Learned…
Today I am going to put my energy into cleaning up my house. Yesterday, I was worn out and tired and couldn’t do anything. So, I cut myself a break, and did just that…nothing.
I realize from your post that I WAS looking for someone to love me and care about me. But, that I settled for something that wasn’t doing that anyway. I didn’t respect myself and I didn’t feel that I deserved better at the time. So I settled for what I got from him, which was just superficial friendship and someone to admire and enjoy my body.
He was definitely not my soulmate..could never really talk about my feelings with him. He was on a lower level intelletually and spiritually. MUCH lower.
I always felt that he just doesn’t “get it” about life. He was always running around trying to buy himself “stuff” and hanging out with guys that were much younger than him, and he was never happy. Always texting the “fellas” and pretending to be happy. Deep down, he is a frustrated, angry, paranoid, insecure man who hides beneath all of his “toys”, clothes and cars..etc….
NOT what I want to hang around with.
I am glad that I got rid of him. I couldn’t stand another day of his sneakiness. I couldn’t trust him..I DIDN”T trust him ever.
He was only addicted to what I could give him…entertainment, someone to vent to..complain to …and fill his sexual needs.
When I pulled away and stopped talking to him all day, stopped letting him come down to my house for sex…he started getting frustrated and angry. How dare his “supply” leave?
So,he decided to let me know that he is moving back to his house…because even his brother wanted him out. I don’t even know THAT true story either.
With me pulling away, and his brother throwing him out, the reality of our relationship came to a head. He did what he needed to do…take care of his sorry self. No regard for me.
If I didn’t accept him living with an x g/f,supposedly as friends, then he didn’t need me in his life for sex anymore.
It really was divine intervention. It was time to get him out of my life…I really believe it…everything DOES happen in divine right order..the way its supposed to be.
Today I feel better….just have to motivate myself to get some things done around here…get organized so that I can get back to my normal routine of taking care of myself and my girls.
Going to start by loading the dishwasher now.
Thank you for helping to pop me out of the “pit” I’ve been in and get me to live for today. HUGS
tobehappy;
YOU NEED to Be Angry! You can’t get past this untill you get it all out! Like you, I have had many a day the past two months of total hate for my ex S woman! But along with that hate and anger is strength! Everyday of NC and getting out the anger I have felt farther removed from her. I feel stronger! Yes I have my bad days. But they aren’t anything as bad as when I didn’t know what she was and couldn’t understand why she did the things she did to me. Like you that hurt! For 3 different times in 27 years of her in and out of my life. She pulled this fake love crap on me. And then went through her cycles of love,then manipulation, then verbal abusing me, then finally her walking off on me in the relationship. I have spent many a moment over the past NC 2 months of being angry at myself for falling for her crap that long and thinking she would change and grow old gracefully and calm her act down. The Old broad is 67 years old now. I am 53 in March. She hasn’ changed one spot! Well. She can be just anything she wants so long as it isn’t around ME! The healing continues…