Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
Hello everyone…I feel relieved and honored to be a part of a community of beautiful souls. I spent five years of my life wondering why giving every ounce of my love and compassion to my ex-boyfriend hurt so badly. Like many of you, I have had an ongoing nightmare to deal with and I can personally understand the rollercoaster of emotions that result from being deceived and the process of realization/awareness that someone you love is not the charming person you met, but in fact, is truly perverse and full of malicious intent.
I tried to rationalize every strange, malicious, or angry act that my ex committed. I thought that giving love unconditionally would somehow please/appease him. Until last September, I persisted in believing that I could somehow help my ex realize what he had done to destroy me and see how much I loved him despite that.
My eyes are wide open now. I have spent many hours in counseling and reading the blogs on this site, as well as other sites and books about sociopaths. It is sad to realize the “futility” in loving a sociopath, but it is also a relief to know why my best was never good enough.
It is amazing how healing it is to share your story with others.
I believe my relationship with my ex has helped me to understand myself–my strengths and my weaknesses. I have spent so much time going through every memory–that I believe I now see all the red flags I should not have ignored. In my innocence, I saw my ex’s actions/behavior as “shutting me out”. I shared my soul with him, but I didn’t realize that he didn’t have a soul to share. Our relationship was one-sided and I filled in his part with my imagination. I put him on a pedestal, forgetting that when the relationship started, my ex claimed that I was so beautiful, so wonderful that it was him that didn’t deserve me.
I am embarrassed to say that I clung to the relationship to the bitter end. I broke off the physical relationship and moved away after he began to humiliate me in public and scare me with violent threats, but I stayed in contact by text message. Overtime, I forgot and forgave his angry actions, and thought more and more about how wonderful the beginning of our relationship was. He wrote me promises of love and marriage and said wonderful things about himself and the life he (I read “we”) was going to have. He couldn’t keep up the lies and pretenses very well though. He dodged my questions and I began to realize that he didn’t “truly” love me as he had said.
My ex changed stories/faces in the blink of an eye. He accused me of harassing him. That we didn’t have a relationship anymore. That he had broke up our relationship years before and I needed to leave him alone. I couldn’t believe that he could really think that I was a stalker. I thought he was confused, delusional and I tried to point this out to him.
I encountered him and he called the police, telling them that I was a stalker who had a gun to kill him with. Just recently, I moved back to the same area he lives in to re-attend school. I filed for a restraining order (a mistake?). He convinced the judge that I was a threat to him, because I own a gun and I am obviously crazy, because only a crazy person would accuse him of emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. He is a poor, hardworking man…and I am obviously delusional because I thought we still had a relationship due to our text messaging and all the promises he had made.
It is so reassuring to hear others tell me what I already know (if I would just listen to my inner voice and build my self-esteem): I am not crazy, most probably he is. And the best policy is “no contact” ever.
I appreciate the advice of others. And I am so glad that I have the opportunity again to build relationships with people that are capable of feeling love and compassion.
Dear Lucinda,
WELCOME to LF, glad you are here and glad you are recovering from this nightmare! Keep on reading and learning and coming here for support, thanks for sharing your story. God bless!
Lucida.
Welcome to LF. I could so relate to your beautifully written words….
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and realizations….
Glad you found Lf and Hopefully you’ll stick around and share more of your journey.
I’m glad your out…..and you’ve learned so much….about you!
Welcome, welcome!
Well, you are ahead of me!
I’m focused right now on how grateful I am that I have the family, friends and support I do which is real.
I’m trying to fill my time with other things – amazing how much time it took to take care of my um ..partner??
It doesn’t fel like I need rules more than time and I couldn’t imagine having a date right now any more than I believe pigs can fly. I admire you willingness to make a work out of helping others.
I’d say that place sounds really cool. I don’t think I could do that. We all want to be happy. And the desire for it is strong. The wiring allows us to overlook small things in our partners and these guys took advantage of that. Add some emotional blindness and a weakness for affection and romance and KAPOW!
But they far underestimate all of us who are here. Why? Because we’re here and we’re here together. All of them are one man out on their own trying to keep track of so many shallow relationships and lies.
And look at the collective of experience and emotional intelligence we are now part of. Wow.
Its not about a man right now, its about me. I’m not ready to even think about it.
Yeah, it would be nice if there were Princes like in fairy tales, but I get that myth is disproven!
I never felt desperate, I was dating and turned down a bunch of fellows for this one. He was so much more attractive because he was so much fun! The signs were all there, I just didn’t know what they were. I was pretty naive for a smart lady but I think that is the way it happens.
This guy’s profession was women. he was good at it too. Well, we’re not doing business any more.
He swept me off my feet, I loved our days together And I so believed he was good to me and I felt so happy I was willing to put it all on the line.
There was no relationship ever before where someone ever did to me what he did – and that’s not to say my first husband wasn’t a piece of work- but this one was in a league of his own. The betrayal is spectacular. Its going to take time and work.
I have the same reaction to the idea of a relationship right now as I do to pickled herring and the sight of it makes me queasy- I can’t bite the stuff! I just can’t!
Instead of looking for a man, I’m thinking I want to recast MYSELF as the hero (ine) in this story.
Now, thats about as far ahead as I can see.
I don’t want to turn into a chick with a lot of baggage either and after as many years, honor the notion of getting back in the saddle as soon as you can pick yourself up. In time, in time.
I get that there was nothing there. That it doesn’t matter what I think I experienced or what he said, it was all a lie and that part is feeling a little weird because I think: nothing from nothing is nothing.
There is nothing to mourn. It wasn’t there.
There is nothing to say.
When something just disapears like that- I figure about all that can be done is let it go. Like what would I do otherwise knowing what I know now? Wow.
There is nothing more to do with or about him that I can or care to except let go.
The only thing absolute is that I am here now and its ok.
We will see what the morning brings……
😉
Hello Lucinda…and welcome. I am new here also and I thank God for this board. I felt like it was ME writing your post.
These monsters are like carbon copies of each other.
I am now convinced that the world is NOT all good, as I tried to feel it was. As it says in one of the oldest books, the Bible, there IS good and evil and Satan does roam the earth!
I was never into “organized religion” even though I grew up Catholic and found that the Bible had significant “lessons” to learn in it, but,no matter what religion you follow, Buddism, etc..EVIL is here. It has to be. Everything is opposites..dark, light, up, down…Good….EVIL.
I always tried to accept “messed up” people…even felt sorry for murderers and rapists…because I felt that they were good people that got “messed up” from their childhood, etc…
But, after going to court with an xhusb sociopath, and hearing the judge say..”Mr.M, you are UNREHABILITATIVE” ..WOW!
I knew what he meant. And, a Christian counselor told me that he has the “heart the size of a pea”…RUN from him…
I NOW see the world differently. This relationship was PROOF to me…that there is EVIL in the world and we need to listen to our “gut” feelings when it enters our lives.
Yes, they portray themselves as “fun”. Its what they are all about…playing games and winning..playing games with peoples’s feelings….UGH! THAT is evil…or the devil if you will.
I have been calling my xhusb Satan for the last 8 yrs. that we have been divorced. And, the x b/f that I let into my life, is Satan also.
My aunt used to always say to me..”the closer you are to God, the more the Devil wants you.” I never understood it until now. The kinder, sweeter,and more empathetic you are, the more you attract these devils.
Its ok to be like us..good people, have big hearts and care and love people. BUT, its MORE important to be tough and strong and watch out for the evil in this world.
This is what I am teaching my daughters. “conditional trust”. Its not that everyone out there is ‘guilty’ until ‘proven innocent’ and we should live in a ‘paranoid’ state. No…its that evil is out there..thats why there’s wars going on…and you have to repel it at all costs! I don’t want them to be “weak” like me and trust the wrong people in life. They need to be TOUGH. Survival of the strong..the “fittest”.
Maybe it was a blessing that this evil thing came into my life. It taught, not only me, a good lesson…but my 3 girls. I want them to be strong and WISE.
They say there are only 2 things..lessons and love.
This was a lesson.
Dear Lucinda –
I stayed in it accepting his texts and texting him back, too. Well after it was really over. In retrospect it was a weaning process for me and a way for him to keep controlling, manipulating and playing games.
As unhealthy as we were together – and boy oh boy were we ever — I will say we had laughter. They say in everything bad you can always find one good thing — we really did make eachother laugh — together and apart.
But EVERYTHING else about us was so incompatible. I just didnt know enough about life, relationships, myself… I sort of went on a wing and prayer with him (big mistake) —
Ive come to realize my strengths were his weakness and his his strengths were my weakness. On top of that his choices with me were mostly selfish ones.(unhealthy) My choices with him were mostly selfless ones. (unhealthy). Better to have a healthy balance of both in ones life. Most anything he did in our relationship was for the benefit of himself. Most anything I did in our relationship was for the benefit of him.
I now have the responsibility and awareness of making sure there is a healthy functioning balance in my relationships. ALL of them. Family, friends, co-workers, etc.. Its something I learned about myself. He is set in his unhealthy ways, his unhealthy views, his unhealthy choices… his whole life will be entering into one-sided relationships — those days are gone for me.
He remains lost and losing any chance for a real life. I ended up finding my way and myself and able to live a real life with boundaries as I walk on. Its about
choices
acceptance of the things that we cannot change
getting to know ourselves
sharing our knowledge and goodness with other like minded people
letting go
dont fear it, the best is yet to come. If we meet someone along the way we want to share that with we will – but my goal is to live a real life with boundaries and be happy I have myself back (new and improved) – as I walk on.
Im glad we are all walking on this path together. LF is part of the reason I chose a new path! xoxo LTL
Very inspirational post, Learned..your posts help me so much.
I have accepted the fact that he was an “addiction” and that I have to work on breaking it now. Even though he is out of my life, I do think about it and obsess about it still…a phase that I need to go through…still trying to validate that he IS a disordered person and that I WAS a victim of his tactics.
But, NO MORE. They say that you are a only a victim if you choose to be….and, somehow, subconsciously, I chose to stay with him and trust him, even though my inner guidance was telling me that something is wrong, and it came out in my body…waking in the middle of the night (no more) and anxiety attacks. I actually left work a few days after I first had sex with him….I had such a bad anxiety attack. So, its important to listen to your body.
I am suffering now from pstd..even if its just “acute anxiety” form of it. So, I am pampering myself…eating when I feel like it…writing and journalling when I need to…taking a nap when I get tired…and just taking care of ME and nursing myself back to health….mental and physical.
Yesterday, when the sun was shining..I went to pick up my daughter and I blared some music in my car. I came home energized and did alot of housecleaning…
Then, when I got tired, I rested.
I really believe that I will “heal” everyday get better. I don’t want to stay in this “funk” and not be able to care for and enjoy my children, as I was last summer…when I had NC for 3 months. As much as I read and talked and rested, there was still a part of me in ‘self doubt’ …telling myself that he really loved me. We tend to forget the bad, in time, and then only remember the good. At that point, he sucked me back in.
Now, thanks to this board, I am 100% positive that he IS disordered, unable to love, and there is NO turning back now. My friends and family thought I was CRAZY to go back with him then, but I was still in denial that I could be involved with such a sick person…so I went back for more. He was REALLY good at sucking me back in…”I want to marry you” was the last line that made me think that he really was serious and loved me.
When he told a woman on a dating site..(me, checking on him right after the break up) that he was “never going to marry his ex..she was just a good buddy and fun”…THAT was the most hurtful moment…but it woke me up to the fact that he IS a pathological liar/sociopath sick user.
Well, I know its normal to obsess for awhile and little by little I am distracting myself and getting ready to get back into the world, MY world …and do things I love again.
It really does take TIME to heal …just like a physical wound..and if we don’t pamper the wound and take care of it…it will just get infected and start all over.
Thats where I’m at.
Tobehappy,
Im glad you are taking one day at a time.. and being so realistic about it. You sound so very strong and determined to walk on…
I will admit to you, it was very hard for me…it took me so many set backs – I just was so headstrong and wanting to believe in him – I saw him in such a different way than he really was/is. I never wanted to give up that hope. It was such a process to come to terms that he would never be a person who can show love/give love to me or perhaps anyone. The onesidedness of the relationship really messed me up – I thought for sure he felt the same way for me a I did for him – he was just shy (ha) inexperienced (triple ha) or scared (not one bit)… Id make excuse after excuse —
He just was really messed up with alot of demons inside – handsome and charming as could be on the outside. What really allowed me to finally get it – was focusing on all his actions (or lack of) and really thinking wow if I stayed or went back with this guy — Id be able to say hes in my life – but my life would be really depressing and lonely with him as my partner. All the good things and good feeling and good times we had were mostly because of my doing – so I could walk on and have a healthier life with others who are a better match for where I am now and what i want in my life. Im realistic that anybody I meet will have faults, as we all do, but they cant be faulty with lack of respect, lack of trust, lack of honesty, lack of compassion. I found out the hard way that kind of guy doesnt work for me 🙂
The obsessing was a big part of it for me too – ruminating about it, over and over – I just couldnt bring myself to accept he wasnt who I thought he was or who I wanted him to be ..
I think I shared with you that I wrote a list of all the realities about him…
at the top of your list should be HE LURKS ON DATING SITES – HE USES WOMEN – HE IS PATHOLOGICAL – HE IS IMMATURE – HE IS UNABLE TO LOVE OTHERS – INCLUDING ME – HE IS NOT WELL – HE IS THE LIE – HE MAKES SELFISH CHOICES – HE IS ODD WITH KIDS – HE LIKES THE WAY HE IS…ETC….
I didnt write my list until after a year…so I encourage you to write the list and have it handy when you start revisiting old thoughts/old times. And especially have it with you incase he attempts to make contact.
You are doing a great job taking care of yourself, and just going with the flow of what you are feeling. It really is one day at a time, shooting for consecutive good and strong days.
I love blaring music in my car now too! There was a time when I couldnt even listen to the radio. In fact, I shared here last year that I duct taped the radio and told the kids it was broken – just so I could get from point a to point b without tears…. so do whatever you have to in order not to be triggered.
Your posts are great! Im really happy for you that you found LF as quickly as you did – Im hopeful your journey will be quicker than many of ours because you found lovefraud as quickly as you did. But there is no “time-frame” on healing…as it isnt just about them…its about us too, just in a different way…about knowledge of ourselves and them –equating to power of getting our lives back on track — for us.
Glad youre here tobehappy. Your screenname is inspiring! 🙂
Learned…
What struck me was the part you wrote about ..”I could at least SAY he was still in my life”
I also felt that something was better than nothing…at least I “have a boyfriend”.
Well, you really don’t …just fooling ourselves again…living in an “illusion”.
I’m glad I found this board too. Youre posts REALLY help me.
And, the only reason I am where I am now, is because I had my breakdown in April….couldn’t go back to my job because HE worked there…didn’t want to see him…at all..AND, he messed up my relationship there by having me defend him on issues that he was dead WRONG on..and everyone, including my boss, ended up against me. He basically fucked up MY life and also 2 women there, that he “character assassinated” OMG…long story. He is Satan and messed up this whole agency and almost brought it down!!!! NOt even kidding.
So, I leave the job and go on disability, in April…end up with Mursa (boil …probably from HIM) and it extends the disability. (GOD works in weird ways) and then, by June…I catch him in a lie and online …dating and porn sites…so I END it abruptly.
It was torture. I did come onto this site and others about Narcissists..but I was numb, paralyzed, in denial…confused…and sick. Lost 20 lbs. and when I finally was getting better ….feeling like living again…SATAN re enters!
In October…he REELED me in with lies and I got SUCKED back in. A few weeks later…RED FLAGS…MORE LIES…and then on FEB. 1st….I ENDED IT. It took until Feb. 21 to really end it…via text….and then on the 25th, I snooped and found out what I needed to know…he was already (still) online talking to women and giving them (me) his phone number!
THAT DID IT…I deleted my fake profile and I had my major meltdown on the 27th!!
So, I am new to the real true end…or should I say the BEGINNING of MY life as it should be. I am working on detoxing and taking care of ME now. I still need to vent and journal and get support on the issue. But I know this is helping me.
I just got off of the phone with a close g/f who is one that understands. It was healing to tell her how I pieced the puzzle together of all of his lies…and to vent.
Thank you for your support. I ordered the book Women Who Love Psychopaths…can’t wait. I am determined to change ME so that I am stronger and more confident with everyone out in the world.
I just can’t go through another painful ordeal that I KNOW isn’t good for me. Time to get TOUGH.
Thanks for your posts!!!
Lucida,
Your story includes so many helpful insights for others and I do understand how it feels to tell the story-
Just want you to know that yours like the others here, does much to help and that is why we’re here.
I married what I thought was the great love of my life and proceeded to build around us a world in which I felt very,very happy until it collapsed completely one day.
Since that day, I have come to uncover the truth which was kept from me and it hasn’t been easy to do- this guy was a career criminal and a pro who made women his business.
I didn’t pick up on a lot of the little signs while it was happening. I was angry with my father and brothers for some other things at the time he moved in which was good for him because none of the men in my life liked him at all. And he could prey on the discord between me and the people who saw what I could not.
He was on 16 web dating sites and actively courting other women from the day he arrived and through our marriage.
He lied to me about, I am sure, everything.
He is well placed in incarceration. The world is a better place because he is there.
He was sneaky and he used me. I don’t think I could have seen it all coming. Two PI’s looked him up for me and did not find the criminal history nor that he was already married.
Its hard to know what to be angry with and I don’t want to get stuck there. I just want to move on.
But, I need to get stuck for a bit in understanding what happened. There is value in the forensics after the crash if I take a lesson from the FAA-LOL!
Disasters are usually the result of a cumulation of smaller mistakes.
I know I am neither crazy nor omnipotent and stories like yours validate the experience and the understanding.
Thanks for sharing. Glad too that you are here.