Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
Yes, it is best to come here and not expect people to understand what you are going through. Everyone here has walked a mile in your shoes…If you try to explain your feelings to anyone else, you will get frustrated and have a setback…Don’t need those!
I see why I was a perfect target…he even said things to unveil his feelings about me..like
“Lets face it, not many men want to get involved with a single woman with 3 kids.”
So, he felt that I was desparate. He KNEW he could control me because I opened up and told him that I didn’t date because I felt that noone would want me…”
And, deep down, I did feel “unlovable”…”not a good catch..too old for anyone…who would want me?”
He capitalized on my weaknesses. He had the PERFECT supply…pretty woman, not “out there” dating people, home with the kids alot, sexy, intelligent…and NOT confident in who she is.
I WAS a doormat. My friends tell me how I look ten yrs younger (noone believes my age) and how talented I am…(oil painter) and how beautiful of a person I am.
But, deep down, I have been telling myself that noone would want me…because I have kids…etc.
So, I thought he was my last chance on love. THAT is why I settled for just having him in my life whenever it was convenient to see me…around all day to talk to…I NEVER confronted him on issues or his whereabouts…In fact he said once..”you give me too much freedom” OMG…unveiled his mask on THAT one!! I told him…”I trust you”. UGH!
I WAS the perfect supply for him. And, when we broke up last time he took a woman out on a date, he told me, and with his ‘total mistrust’ in people…he dumped her because he wasn’t going to “spend money on her” (she invited him to a cash bar party!!! ” He was afraid she was “using” him.HA!!!
HE is the biggest user! WOW!!!
So, he sucked the perfect sucker back in…ME.
He mislead me into believing that he was back to “marry” me next year. Funny , but when we got together the first time after 3 months..and he said this…he SLURRED his speech.
(BIG SIGN OF LYING!!! THEY mumble …
AND…I KNEW that this was a sign..did my research all summer on pathological liars!!!
But, I was still not where I am today. I was weak and I gave in. Needed to find out if what I read all summer was HIM.
I think it was only a few weeks and I KNEW it. So, my heart was getting ready for the escape! It only lasted a few months..after he ruined my holidays for my children and me…
I told him it was OVER.
Just a realization of WHY I ‘settled’ for so much LESS than I deserve. I didn’t feel like I deserved better.
Imagine that?
ANOTHER LESSON:
You don’t get what you deserve in life…you get what you THINK and FEEL you deserve!!!
tobehappy,
“or should I say the BEGINNING of MY life as it should be”
LOVE THAT!!!!! YES!
Thanks for bringing me up to date… I can sure tell when Im sleep deprived way too much…I forget things Im told….or I make typos…or just general silly oops things in generl. I just got back from giving my son his lunch insulin at school and I said to the nurse he had 70 units and Im giving him 3.5 units (instead of saying he had 70 CARBS and giving him 3.5 UNITS of Insulin)… she said he ate 70 units ?? we need to call 911! I sat down on a chair and said — time for me to catch up on my sleep again! 🙂 She said oh you meant he had 70 CARBS! Anyway, I can always tell from my posts and all the typos when Ive reached my walking zombie limit 🙂 But we are getting the insulin pump in 3 months countingdown – and my sleep will BE WAY MORE REGULATED!!
You really are doing all of the positive and proactive things one can do in order to go through the healing process and learn and grow and become even more educated..and taking one day at a time, one-step at a time!
Dear LTL,
Those llittle “brain farts” are very common in both sleep deprivation AND in depression or PTSD. BELIEVE ME, I know about that! It bothered me so much that I wondered if I was LOSING MY MIND. I made me wonder if I WAS CRAZY or unreliable. My psychiatrist has recently changed her practice and I took my son to a new practitioner to get his medication refilled, and guess what—I told her DOUBLE THE DOSE! EEEEEEKKKK! Fortunately, he caught it, but It scares the crepe out of me that I might do something REALLY stupid or fatal. He also has “brain farts” and short term memory problems and has had since the airplane crash he was in the time my husband was killed.
WE ARE DIFFERENT after trauma of any sort, and some of the parts of our brain that we counted on don’t work like they did before. CONTINUAL stress and “trauma” can be as bad, I think, as ONE big trauma.
Our ability to withstand trauma and function later or at the time of the trauma varies from person to person and I think also according to how much and how many traumas we have had previously (according to the research Dr. Leedom posted the link to on one of her last articles.)
I am no longer “worried” like I was about my “brain farts” or the short term memory problems, I do my best to double check them, so I don’t make any really bad screw ups by acting without careful thought FIRST. And yes, sometimes I too get my words mixed up with the actions I am doing and they aren’t the same. I may do it right, but say it wrong.
I am glad you are getting the insulin pump soon, and I hope that helps you get some much needed sleep. ((((hugs)))) and God Bless.
Oxy,
I know that fear oh too well…of making a fatal mistake. My little guy and I have a deal that he never takes an injectiion without being my back up eyes.. I dose, he injects. And Ive drilled it into him that no matter where he is or who he is with that “4 eyes” his and someone elses have looked at his dose FIRST 🙂
It makes sense about being different after a trauma – the brain is like on overdrive for so long and at such an intense pace. Your son has come a long way – you both are so blessed to have eachother.
I try not to worry about my slip-ups, but sometimes it really is my redflag to ask my sister to help out one night or catch up on some sleep during the day – when it becomes more and more apparant. I cant take away the trauma from a toxic relationship but i can catch up on intentional missed sleep. So Im going to go take a much needed cat nap!
As always ((((hugs right back to you)))) – you send warmth and kindness and truth and hope right through the computer to all of us – AMAZING! (oh and sometimes skillet aches and necessary growing pains too 🙂 xo
Did anyone ever try COGNITVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY?
I am thinking of getting the book with self help worksheets.
Dear LTL,
Good for you! We can’t take care of anyone else if we don’t take care of ourselves FIRST. That is a difficult lesson to learn, especially for those of us that are die-hard or even professional caregivers. Back when I was taking care of my daddy when he had cancer, I had SO many helpers in so many ways and I DID take advantage of them, home health aids, hired housekeeper, hospice nurse, eetc. but in spite of that, I EMOTIONALLY kept myself “uncared for”—and that was a big mistake. I kept that WEIGHT of responsibility on myself, and I DID IT TO MYSELF. I couldn’t let go of the idea that I had to over see it ALL. That is a poor choice I made, and I see that now, but I felt so RESPONSIBLE that if I let go for one moment, the world would collapse.
That’s the “enabler” mentality, and a form of “control” that made ME feel safe—-but an UNhealthy one too. But it was the way I had learned to cope.
You know, something my egg donor used to say to me during that time which never has “registered right” with me. It always felt OFF KILTER and in some ways plain mean.
She would tell me how she and daddy depended on me, and then she would say, so sadly, “but there will not be an Oxy there for you when you get old and sick to take care of you.” DUH? She said this to me often. Sort of like the old deal, “I love you but…..” and everything Said BEFORE the “but” is a lie and everything said AFTER the “but” is the truth. My X BF used to say “I love you but, sometimes I’d like to X,Y or Z you”
I’m not sure Exactly what the purpose of her commiserating with me that I would be left alone without anyone to care for me when I got old was, but I sure don’t think it was to REASSURE ME or show any gratitude on her part.
Once when she was trying to suck me back into her web, she said “Well, I haven’t changed my will, you know” like some how that would reassure me that I could trust her. Well, I don’t think she will ever get the idea that I never could be BOUGHT for money, in order to con, me you had to at least pretend you LOVED ME. LOL You might get by with not using vaseline, but you at least had to “kiss” me. LOL
I am new here as a member, but have been so encouraged and strengthened by reading everyone’s posts for months. Sometimes I think that some of you must have simultaneously involved with my X. I would not be surprised! Such similar stories. It is very comforting to listen and learn from others who have been through it. Thanks to everyone here. I am very very grateful, and am more clear-minded and healthy-hearted every day!
hello hope42moro – i like your user name – welcome to the healing place – study the past – live in the present – prepare for the future..
Dear Hope42moro,
Like Hens said, I love your user name! Good choice! Glad you are here and have been lurking and reading. Learning is about the best thing we can do for ourselves! Glad you are here, and I know I can say welcome from us ALL. Glad you are feeling confident enough to post here! Keep on learning and sharing what you feel comfortable sharing with us. God bless.
Ok, so one step ahead of the fall back I’m reading all over the site. We talk about the differences between sociopathic traits and the sociopath.
We talk about the gradient of the exhibition of those traits.
We talk about the world just isn’t a black and white place.
So how do I know what I am really dealing with????? Is it true that if he exhibits these behaviors as an adult man they are irrepairable?
So when he gets his sentence and writes how sorry he is but would I send all the numbers in his cell phone because there is more to it all than meets the eye please tell me again- looks like, smells like, probrably is!
I could already write a novel out of this which scales to espionage, international politics and the deceit only people in that world would know. Or maybe guys in jail reading spy novels all day….
Great, just great- I’m dealing with an S/P who gets his inspiration from TOM CLANCY!!!!!!!
Remind me that when you pull the trigger on this NC that you can’t take the bullet back. Remind me it wasn’t real if he was dating 4 others and soliciting 16 more withing two days of I DO.
Remind me so that I don’t doubt it or myself because I’m having a weak moment. I don’t know more than I have learned in a few weeks and what got me here just raised its ugly head again which is listening to anything he said.
NO, I am not going to answer. But yes, I was tempted and that is a scary, scary thing because it says that my feelings are subdued, but not dead that I want the hurting to be over and I’d go back like a horse would run to a burning barn because that is where the animal thought it was safe and fed – only to perish.
Remind me again because all day long I waited to find out what happened and then the letter came and I wanted to know what it would tell me and what it said was I shouldn’t have looked at all.
Today is a really hard day.