Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
LOL one step….i just listened to the utube link! that was great. One thing is I know for sure, you can’t show them that they got to you. They LOVE that ..even if its anger, especially!
After I told him I want to end the r/s, I wrote him a kill him with kindness letter and thanked him for caring about me but I could NEVER see or talk to him again after he moved back in with his x (he says just a friend and business partner).
So, i ended it gracefully but put the jab in that I found out the truth about the house…they both owned it.
I wished him luck. (Not GOOD luck!) ugh!
I hope I can get over this and not go back to my state of shock and paralysis like last summer. My poor kids.
tobe – i have spent the last few minutes trying to find a link for Cyndi Lauper’s acoustic version of ‘Shine’.
It’s a call to beauty and has some of the qualities of the song you posted.
i can’t find one, but if you have a chance to get your hands on it.
i think you must have learned a lot to end it the way you did. you have protected yourself with knowledge.
best,
one step
Dear tobehappy
Give yourself some time to lick your wounds, you’re going through the hardest part, and it will get better day by day. You will get your energy and love for life back. Remember not to take his discard personally. He will treat every woman this way, in time.
I used to listen to Kelis “I hate you so much right now”
One step and Rosie
Thank you so very much. I NEED this support so much I can’t tell you. I plan to read the links and articles on here.
Yes, when we came back from Florida on Feb 1..first time away with him, I made up my mind that “I’m not the woman for you” and I texted him that and didn’t talk to him for over ten days.In that time, since he was losing his supply,…he figured out how to discard me.
He told me he’s moving back to his house to live with his x g/f and basically, if i didn’t like it….screw me.
So, that night..Feb 11…I ended it. But, he sucked me back in to “talk” and then he didn’t take me out as planned, invited himself to stay over, have sex and then after that, the next day..my BODY was telling me…Don’t do it. I told him we could be friends but no sex…the next day. Then, the next day I told him I don’t even want friendship, because I found out about him being partners in this house with her.
THAT DID IT!
I wrote him a nice goodbye letter. Havent heard from him because this time, he knows I mean business.
I will NEVER let him in my life again.
This time around I am NOT turning back, or even looking back .
But, I will need u guys!!! THANK YOU!
Don’t be hard on yourself and DO NOT be embarrassed. You fell for a sociopath – you were in love and you didn’t know what he was. I feel the same way – I am still involved with my S and I am still trying to break free from him. At least you are free and don’t be afraid to love again – time will heal your wounds – be easy with yourself….
Thank you Emmy….I know how hard it is to detatch. I actually detatched emotionally and then couldn’t sleep with him anymore…faded that out…then I just reached a point where I said…”if a situation is killing you, get the hell out”.
Physically not seeing him helped me and not answering texts..basically no contact.
A million and one times for me. I bought into all of it, even with all the doubts and red flags, I chose to ignore them because I loved him. When things really started getting bad, I thought my love could help, could make him see the errors of his ways.
But in reality nothing can change a P, nothing, not even themselves.
Its a hard realization when I think back to all I invested, all I gave, all I put up with.
At least I gave it my all, every last drop, till there was none left to give.
My ordeal is over. I got sole Custody, physical and legal. He agreed to it after he realized just how much dirt I dug up on him. I can’t help but feel as though there was more, much more than I was able to find out. Still, it was enough to put him in jail. But, this never happened. For over a year I had tried to prove to the supervising social worker, to my attorney, and to psychologist that he is dangerous, that he has Antisocial Personality Disorder, and is in no condition to parent. I felt like I was starting to look mad. I became paranoid, I no longer trusted strangers. It was a mad battle. On the day of the depositions, a vision came to me. I saw in my mind’s eye… Jesus. He who stood against the legal courts, he who spoke the truth and was not believed. I then summoned up the courage to go through it all.
Here I was, dear friends – the papers signed, my sole custody, MY freedom – in exchange for several nights per month. And this is when the most sad, pathetic even – thing happened. This is when the supervising social worker admitted to me that she “knew all along”. I got the “broken legal system excuse” from everyone: people that are continuing to break the system, those who see and know of psychopaths, but do not speak up or against them. It is so sad, that no matter what happens now, my child will still be traumatized by his biological parent. He I forgave a million times found the one way to hurt me – at least few nights per month…
I asked the attorney if I can get a PI. I can. I can follow him and make sure he does not mistreat our child. If he fails to be a father, I can take him to court. But, his paternity would not be taken away. It is likely that he’d be ordered to behave. How do you order a monster to behave?
To sum up, The legal system is broken. they know much about the APDs and the Psychopaths and they continue to pretend not to. They continue to aid the corruption and to lead us, the victims on through the hell of repeated trauma. Good for you, Abigail that you did not have his child. I am sorry you had to go through ending the pregnancy, though. good luck to you on your road to recovery.
Almost there…
Can we organize something like “Mothers against Psychopaths?”
I know there are a lot of men that have been duped by psychopathic women and I am sorry that I cannot relate to their pain. I can only appreciate it.
But, for a mother who had carried and nursed her very soul, who later realized that half of this baby belongs to the non-human race, the pain is astonishing, horrific, tragic.
Abigail, do tell your story. Tell this story to strangers, to colleagues, to your kids. People will listen. People need to know. If anyone is interested in Mothers against Psychopaths, let’s talk to Donna about helping out with this. The Broken Legal System is a poor excuse. It has to be fixed. How many children should a father leave behind before the system recognizes that he’s a bad father? How many women does he need to sleep with at the same time before the system determines that he’s a poor role model? How many jobs should he switch and lie about before the system realizes that he is no support to the offspring? Anyone?
The s2bxs/n has effectively avoided the process server so far and of course his mother and sisters claim they “have no idea where he is”…
my theme song right now is Christina!
‘Cause it makes me that much stronger, Makes me work a little bit harder, Makes me that much wiser, So thanks for making me a fighter ~ Made me learn a little bit faster. Made my skin a little bit thicker, It makes me that much smarter, So thanks for making me a fighter!!