Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
Wow, Silvermoon…great post!
I logged onto MoodGYM online..which is cognitive behavior therapy….and I’ve been ‘at the gym’ all morning.
Its really helpful to do. Its part of my REBUILDING stage.
What I’ve realized so far, is how…what I was thinking made me FEEL the way I was…in the r/s as well as now.
I was thinking that I didn’t deserve to have a great man love me (at the time that we met) INSECURE….and so I felt inadequate and didn’t feel I deserved to be treated better.
Now, after I ended the r/s, I was thinking that I was a fool for staying so long and I felt ANGRY ….at myself for tolerating less than the BEST treatment.
On this site, I had to analyze my THOUGHTS and see how “WARPED” they were at that time AND now.
I realized that I need to tell myself that I DO deserve the best treatment and nothing less….and I am NOT a fool for staying…It was filling a need that I no longer have…so I am no longer angry at myself. I DID what I did at the time…its in the PAST and now I will work on thinking about it as is really is…and feeling better…so I can MOVE ON.
It’s helping me and I’m glad that I found the sight. CBT is the fastest way to get out of a depression and stop the anxiety.
I’ll keep you posted…feeling lighter already.
Dear 2Bee,
Glad that is helping you, so hang in there! Do keep in mind though that even with the best therapy we have some ups and downs, so don’t get discouraged if you have a down day! ((((hugs))))) congratulations for taking care of yourself.
Ox…
Thanks. I just completed the main work on the site…It made me realize that how I am seeing this whole thing….how I am thinking of it…is what is making me feel the anxiety.
I know that I need to process it all and it will take time..but one thing I realized is MY contribution to the way it ended up…mainly being that I didn’t listen to my inner guidance system and do something about it when it was happenning.
I understand why I stayed and now I realize that I must have been STRONG to end it…I must have reached the point where I felt strong enough to say ENOUGH!
With both the xhusb and xb/f monsters…I reached the point where the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving.
Another realization is that …at the time I was tolerating the disrespect and dishonesty,…I was very lonely, scared and insecure—–this made me VULNERABLE.
MY goal in life now, is to NOT be insecure to the point that I would remain in a terrible relationship like these were…so that I am STRONG and not vulnerable anymore.
I was really beating myself up about staying in denial and accepting such awful treatment from him…
“Why didn’t I put my foot down long ago?”…..this was what was killing me..that I tolerated abuse.
Now I know why….the payoff!
In everything that we do in life…there is a PAYOFF.
Otherwise we wouldn’t be doing it!
The payoff for me was having someone call me all day, care about me…admire me and make me feel sexy…after many years of feeling that I “lost it”.
Now I don’t need anyone out there to care about me, make me feel attractive…No need for that attention, appreciation, and approval from anyone out there…
I am going to give MYSELF attention…(do fun things), do things to feel more attractive (gym, exercise, diet) and I am going to APPROVE of myself. No more telling myself that I am ugly, unworthy, worthless…and stupid.
The CBT website says that WUTIWUF.
What you THINK is what you FEEL.
I am going to think differently now.
Otherwise….I’ll just spiral down.
I don’t want to go there…ever again.
We are all worth more!!!
Another thing….
I really don’t want someone who isn’t devoted to me!
I think we really don’t want these idiots, but we are just
angry that they were phony and misled us ….
Deception and betrayal.
I can tell you, after this one, it will NEVER happen again!
I am one tough bitch now.
lol
Dear 2B,
GREAT!!!!! that’s the ticket! Keep on that road it will never lead you astray! You are so right, thoughts have consequences, and we need to keep thinking GOOD THOIUGHTS!
2B—that feeling of anger that we get when we lose trust in ourselves to protect ourselves, when we realize WE have ALLOWED this to happen repeatedly, that is a BIG TURNING point. He had NO right to do what he did to you (or any of us) it doesn’t mean we are blaming the victim, but in repeated abuse, we DID choose to STAY IN there because of our poor choices. So, now that we know, we will protect ourselves and make GOOD CHOICES about people.
Ox…
My 15 yr old daughter is crying. She just told me that she tried to text her father, who left the state to avoid paying child support with his new Brazilian wife..and they are leaving to go to Brazil.
She didn’t tell me she’s been texting him…begging him to help us so that we don’t lose our house…which is in the last stages of foreclosure now.
I asked her what he said…he (who was diagnosed by a professional who told me he has NO conscience..) said that he has no money and can’t help!
So, she is having a meltdown and I don’t know how to deal with it. She has a genius IQ and is a prodigy on piano…and with this…is an emotional aspect. She is taking this neglect really hard.
I told her that we survived this long …9 yrs…and I will make sure that we get what we need.
I don’t know what else to say. Ftard has really messed her up…she wants a father to care. I may need to get counselling for her. UGH!
This is why I am teaching them NEVER to have a baby for any man…
She wants to work for the FBI someday in the behavioural analysis unit…as a profiler for sociopaths. Maybe someday she can find HIM and lock him up where he belongs!
Any suggestions.??
Dear 2B,
((((Daughter)))) I know this is a difficult time for her, to be an adolescent and to want someone to love her and he is SAYING he loves her (I am sure) but SHOWING HER he does NOT.
Maybe you can use this as a painful but “teachable” moment. Maybe say “Honey, I know you want your father to love you, and that you love him, but we don’t have control over other people’s feelings. Sometimes we want others to love us and they say they do, but don’t ACT like they do.”
Then reassure her that YOU love her and will TAKE CARE OF HER, that your family will pull together and stay together.
Give her some positive reinforcement as well for her own talents and don’t show any anger with her for texting him, she’s got to learn to make contact decisions on her own. Some of those will be painful when she loves and they don’t.
Tell her that “love” is an ACT, the way you treat someone not what you say.
Yea, and get her some counseling. ((((hugs)))) to you both! God bless.
Oxy….
THANK YOU so much. This board is my lifeline…people like you and so many others…SAVED my life a week ago!
I have NEVER felt like I was “doomed” in my life and don’t want to go on! NEVER….I wanted to take my brain out of my skull and smash it!!! Thats how crazy and upset I was!!
Well, here I am , a week later and feeling better than I have felt in TWO years since I got involved with Satan. It feels like I had an exorcism!! The devil is GONE.
I will NEVER take a call from him.
I did talk to my daughter and she is feeling better. She needed to cleanse. I told her how disordered he is and his father was the same….and she is learning lots of lessons from me…at a young age. Wish someone told me about this stuff when I was younger….My mom was a sociopath.
She was evil and almost destroyed all of us…she killed my father….he died of a broken heart. Now, she’s gone too, very young.
I still have a little urge to tell my xb/f monster off. If he contacts me…I will NOT do this…but I feel like telling him…
“You are a sick sociopath”….but, last time I told him he was a “sick man”…he said..”what are you a doctor now?”
So, I will do the NC…and let him continue to roam the earth teaching other women lessons. One of his X’s took EVERYTHING HE OWNED that she could carry and put it in the back of a pickup truck and set it on fire!!!
I WONDER WHY!!!! NOW I KNOW!!!!!
So, I thank the Lord…who I believe is IN all of us…for trying to warn me early on….only I didn’t listen…
But, I finally learned to let my “GOD” (gut feeling) through and not ignore it….
Thank you again..OXY!! HUGS
Dear 2B,
Yea, this place IS A LIFE SAVER! Your daughter has a “hard row to hoe” as my grandfather would have said.
You might print off some articles from LF if you see any that you think might be appropriate to where she “is” now. If she doesn’t learn it pretty quick, she will be vulnerable to any guy out there with a good line and a “lay down, baby, I think I love you, ….well, get up, I’m not sure.” As bad as it was to be a teenager in “my time” kids today do have a lot MORE temptations. I do think she would profit by some counseling, and sometimes an ounce of prevention is worth a truck load of CURE after she gets burned….Knowing your daddy is a scum bag doesn’t do anything good for your teenaged self esteem for sure.
Though it isn’t appropriate for your daughter to be your “sounding board” or share everything with her about your X hus. or X BF, you can say things I think, Like “you know, I made some poor decisions in picking fred for a BF, because he said he loved me, but the ACTED so-and-so, so I am LEARNING TOO. WE can learn to make better decisons together” and maybe she will be able to come to you with her insecurities etc or her own gut feelings. I hope so. I could NEVER talk to my egg donor about anything and I wished I could have….peers are not great “counselors” or “advisers” for teens, but that seems to be where they turn.
Right now, you’ve got your hands full being a mom to a teenager, worrying about finances, and healing yourself. It’s a big job, SEVERAL big jobs. But focus on only those things right now, and let the rest of the less important stuff slide, it will be there when you have time for it.
If your house is going into foreclosure, EB has had some good advice on how to work with lenders here go back and google some of her posts, or put out a ERIN B—HELP post, and she might could help you on that. These lenders do NOT want the houses empty and rotting and so you might be able to work out some sort of deal. Hang in there….one day at a time! Glad you are here! (((hugs)))) and God bless.