Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
Good morning!
Everyday I feel better and better. Especially with my decision to Move On…
I realized something important…
In order for me to attract good people into my life…
I have to CHANGE.
I am working on ME now. This is the year for ME.
And, guess what ….its WORK to work on ME.
I have chosen the route of CBT…
Changing my ‘warped’ way of thinking.
I realize that if these disordered people could “brainwash” us into thinking they “loved” us…by their words and texts, etc..
then I can “reprogram” my OWN thinking.
Everytime I think of a negative thought about myself, I immediately turn it around to a positive.
For example: When a thought comes into my head..thats negative…like—“Why did I let him fool me for so long?”
I quickly say, “2be, he didn’t fool you. You fooled YOURSELF into thinking that he loved you because at that time, you needed the bandaid!”
Now, I don’t need the bandaid. I don’t need someone “out there” to tell me that I am loveable. I KNOW that I am loveable because I like who I am!
All of the things that I felt that the monster gave me…a feeling of security, of being loved, of being sexy and beautiful…I feel that way about myself now.
NO need to keep someone in my life to reaffirm WHO I AM!
I now know WHO I AM, and I love who I am!
I am working on “rewiring” myself by basically changing my thoughts..especially about myself
If they could do this to us..I can do this to myself.
Yes, its work…but as Louise Hay says….tell yourself positive things daily…like “I approve of myself..I am great…I LOVE myself…I am ok…”
And, when you do this..you will FEEL better. You will start to believe it.
THOUGHTS create FEELINGS and I am already feeling so much better because I am thinking POSITIVE about the whole thing. It had a PURPOSE in my life…an important LESSON.
I have finally “found” myself through the adversity that I went through. And, yes…it was worth it.
I went from feeling the worst that I could possibly feel…only 2 weeks ago…to the BEST and STRONGEST I have ever felt in my lifetime!
I am so thankful for the strength you all gave me on here…the knowledge and the support to help me to MOVE ON with my OWN life
We CREATE our own reality. We CREATE our lives. We sometimes have to make mistakes to learn.
I am just seeing this whole thing differently now. I am seeing the TRUTH of the situation…which is…
I attracted a disordered person in my life again. I needed to do this to learn my lesson one more time….many lessons:
1- If I don’t feel good about myself, others will “sense” my VULNERABILITY and take advantage of me.
2- If I don’t feel secure and confident, I won’t RESPECT myself and others won’t either.
3- If I don’t stand up for myself and I compromise my own values, I will never be happy…I will hurt myself by allowing others to hurt me.
4- How I feel about myself,…what I am THINKING…is what I will MANIFEST in my life.
5- When I bring into my life..is directly from what I THINK and FEEL about MYSELF.
I will be working on bettering myself for ME..to feel good about ME…in all ways..which includes..
Taking care of ME….my body (exercise daily and eat right),
my mind ( reading and working on positive thinking)…and my soul….(believing in myself and following my “inner guidance”)
Thats about it.
Dear 2BEe,
Good for you and a HIGH FIVE TOWANDA! It does take work, and does take time, but we can all do it, and even if we “fall off the horse” we need to get right back on. Good post!
2B,
Your bouyancy is contagious! Whahoo! Go girl go!!!!
Yes, its about the things that really matter- taking care of yourself and the real loved ones around you.
Stuff is just stuff- houses included and if it comes and goes from your life, it does so with all the compassion that man had- it doesn’t care either.
Neither good nor bad, just inanimate.
I think the whole thing for me right now is about creating the closure on the events and the relationship. Allowing myself to let go and allowing him to be gone with no more words between us.
Today I feel weighted down by the process because the effects of how he has , potentially has and still may compromise me looms large.
He wants that I should be his confederate because there are secrets that only he can explain and that he will because he loves me so much and wants to keep the marriage. I find myself wondering what is in store, because with these guys, something usually is. And I think this one is malicious without any remorse for what he will cause me.
Well, how about HELL NO! No Contact, No kidding.
Is there more that I can and should do on the side of doing the right thing? Maybe not today. The question is on my mind.
I think you’ve got it 2B. Positive re imaging and taking care of you is IT. And there are so many ways to do it.
One thing I found interesting was to go through the process of cleaning out my closet and making the effort to reorganize how I present myself to the world by putting together the outfits which did not inlcude the casual nobody is going to see me clothes and remove them.
It was a way of taking the expression of that self image out of the vocabulary of daily life.
I think today is my day. Nah, I don’t want to overthink it all. The mental activity around it all is exhausting.
I think that quieting the mind is restful and healing to the spirit and allows that part of me which knows so much more than I do conciously to reorganize that thinking process.
Same thing only different?
OM……….
Yes….we are on the right track!
Bury the dead and move on….
I am so busy cleaning out and cleaning up my house, deck, closets..and last will be the garage…
Cleaning out is healthy…simplify.
The way my mind feels is the way my body feels today…
full of energy and cleaning out the old…getting ready for the new ME!
Staying on track…….no more derailing..no more train wrecks!
I need to tell my story. It has been 10months since he left and I still feel horrible. My whole life has been ruined from my relationship with Alan. I was working as a trauma nurse and developed a friendship with a surgeon at work. All my co-workers warned me on it-saying that he was mean and had a huge ego and was verbally abusive. They all hated him. He was 16 years older than me. He was married but didn’t talk about it. Our friendship kept getting closer until we fell hard for each other. I felt horribly guilty about it and he said that he was struggling too. We had a long talk about it and “told all our history and deepest secrets”-or so I thought. He promised that he had never thought about stepping out on his wife until he fell for me. He was everything I’d always wanted. I am overweight but beautiful and for the first time, I actually felt beautiful. A month later we were having sex and he was callling and texting constantly-saying how much he loved me. He told me that he and his wife had been completely platonic for at least 6 years-friends but no sex or intimacy. I strongly felt he would eventually leave. He said that he never thought that someone as wonderful as me would love him. He cared for her because they had a grown daughter together and she had supported him through all his medical training. I felt so horrible that he was going home to her at night. Several times a week he would work half days and be with me in the morning or afternoon. We both juggled our work schedules to spend the most time we could together. She was a nurse at another hospital and when she worked on the weekends, he was with me. He would stay with me when she went out of town. He had so many interests and things in common with me that he didn’t have with her. He said that we would always be together forever and even talked about having a baby.
The biggest thing was that he supported my dream of becoming a police officer. He was planning to support me due to the fact that it was a paycut. I went to work for the PD as a recruit and was waiting for the academy to start and was happier than I had ever been in my life. One awful night, three weeks before our year anniversary, the wife got his cell phone. I texted to say I love you and miss you and he was in the shower. She began calling me non-stop-even though I refused to answer. She had one of her drunk crazy country friends calling me and threatening me by phone and text. He told his wife that I was a coworker who was a lesbian and that my “girlfriend’s # was one off from his and that I had texted him by accident. He begged me to go along with it but I refused. Several months before, she had gotten a job at the hospital where I was working my second job. She blackmailed me into quitting the job or she would call the PD and ruin my rep and make me get fired. So I quit out of fear. I told my rank at the PD the whole story and humiliated myself to keep my job.
She kicked him out and he moved in with me. He freaked out and started acting strange-crying and going on and on about his reputation but little to no guilt about the marriage. We settled in together. It was hard, but things started to normalize and we began planning our future after the divorce. She told him that she would take him for everything he had and wipe him out. His best friend, another surgeon had been through the same thing and advised him to get a lawyer and go to counseling. He went to the shrink and the next day to the lawyer. He was angry that night after seeing the lawyer-saying that”bitch” is going to ruin me. The next am, he woke up really anxious. She called demanding that he come home and fix something at the house. He acted like he didn’t want to go and said that he would be home asap. He was gone all day. I finally called to see when he would be home for dinner. He started screaming at me and said that he was coming to get his stuff and never coming back and that it was “over”. The man I loved who called me his princess bailed, refused to acknowledge my presence. I put his stuff on the porch. He was packing up his car while calling me trash and saying that “I” was crazy and said horrible things to me in front of my neighbors. He turned into Mr Hyde in front of me.
His wife began calling me saying that she had moved out of their house and was still divorcing him. She was trying to make friends with me to get ammo and dirt on him. She informed me that I was the 3rd woman that he’d done this to, and the others were younger than him as well. One was actually a medical resident that he was mentoring in another city. They have moved a lot. He once got into trouble at another university teaching hopsital because women’s underwear were found in his call room at the hospital. She said that he was honest about them not being intimate for years. He had open heart surgery and told her afterward that he was impotent. They had tried and he couldn’t get it up with her. He told me he was worried about needing viagra to please me but had NO problems with me. He was the first man to give me an orgasm and I could sometimes give him two to of them consecutively.
How could I have fallen for this? THe most horrible things was that I had to quit my PD job and drop from my police academy because I was unable to take the paycut. Now I am stuck in a job that I despise until I can downsize enough to go back. I have bad anger issues right now but I still can’t get rid of his two shirts that he left at my house and still can’t erase his pics from my cell phone. My heart is still broken and sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe and still cry for him. I am devastated, but at the same time, I just want him and her to feel massive amounts of pain. I later found out that she took him back-he was right about her loving his money too much. They both deserve each other but I am the one who cries every night. I feel like I an never going to get my dream career back. He destroyed my life and left his completely intact. I lost all my friends. I don’t know if I will EVER be able to trust again or love again or have sex again.
Erin,
I am so sorry for the feelings that you describe – It is hard to come beck from any break up and it takes time.
Focus on what you want your life to be and start working a step at a time to make it so.
There isn’t much we can do about these awful feelings I guess except feel them and keep going. What you describe I think others here can relate to.
My guess is that you made your career change happen on your own strength and merit and that you still can.
Your braveness for even telling your story is an act of compassion for helping others who are having a like experience.
I think we all understand a really bad feeling on a really bad day and like you are trying to reorganize our lives and get back level from where we were and where we are.
Hang in there, we’re here.
Erin, I want to thank you too for sharing your story.
I want you know that even as a member of LF for some time, your post is really validating for me (don’t still need to be convinced that ‘it’ was a sociopath, but an extra bit is always welcome;)x
Could have been the same man.
seriously blow for blow…but the one I knew was a different kind of clinician. Still with the ‘crazy’ ex…who was supporting him through college (!?)… and the same BS about NEVER cheating on his wife EXCEPT for me and ONLY because she was SO abusive and yawn, yawn yawn.
Crocodile tears. check.
I really feel for you when you talk about the Mr. Hyde; (‘we’ call it the ‘devalue and discard’ – and you will be AMAZED at the similarity in which this sudden D&D ‘plays out’ within these relationships…across the world!) a painful confusing and torturous experience. What kind of a shit would do that?
I am sorry for what you are going through but I am SO glad you are here and posting.
much love
xxxxxxxxx
OMG, Erin! You NEED this board!
I joined two weeks ago and have read EVERYTHING…for HOURS a day, and I recieved support here that SAVED my life.
I realized how many people have been through the SAME exact thing and that validated my “doubts” and I STOPPED beating myself up forbelieving all of his lies.
A friend of mine’s cousin, who just got SHOCKED from his experience with these EVIL monsters that roam this earth, was nearly suicidal! and guess what ..2 weeks ago…SO WAS I!!
But, the good news, is that I have broken through the pain and I am HAPPIER now than I’ve ever been…and SMARTER, and STRONGER.
If you read my posts, and many others on here, you will see that there IS light at the end of this tunnel.
They are MENTALLY ILL….all of them! Whether they were born with the genes and /or had a painful childhood that brought it out…..whatever it is….
THEY ARE SOCIOPATHS…their brains are wired to be LIARS, MANIPULATORS, USERS……just plain old EVIL.
They CANNOT love or bond. They don’t even know what the word means. They only LOVE ‘things’ that they can use to fill their own selfish needs…..for SEX, MONEY, SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE
You need to throw this fish back into his sick sea! And, you need to swimfast and far away…to heal.
I went back several times for MORE pain…got SUCKERED in over and over…because I couldn’t ACCEPT the fact that HE CANNOT LOVE!
NO CONTACT is the ONLY way…to heal. Otherwise, you will be vulnerable and get sucked back in.
The first stage of HATING yourself for being so fooled, is the hardest. Do NOT be mad at yourself…You WERE a victim of a very serious seduction and bad experience…HE got you addicted to him through his texts and words.
THATS why its so difficult. You need to break the addiction, and you will feel pain…like getting off of a drug. I spent 2 weeks READINGthis site for HOURS!!!
Then, in time, I was ready to move on to the next step…I am no longer angry at the “sick” monster. How could I be? Its like hating a retarded person!
I then focused on ME….and decided to work on ME. Now, my whole world is all about ME..becoming a healthy NEW me…so that this NEVER happens again. And…its figgin WORKING!!!
I am leaving it all behind me and I am TAKING CARE OF BEAUTIFUL ME!!!!
THen, and only then, will I be able to spot a FRAUD and RUN RUN RUN……
So, get angry…journal….and then, when you are ready, you will forgive YOURSELF for making a mistake…and you will move on!!
YOu’re still young and healthy…so get your HEAD rewired to repel EVIL and your life will be beautiful!!
KEEP POSTING!!
SENDING love and support 2behappy
Play Leona Lewis HAPPY…over and over…it helps.
To All the New LoveFraud Members:
I haven’t been posting all that much the last few weeks, since I am in the middle of a move to take a new job. But, I want to tell all of you that you are in the right place and that your life will get better.
16 months ago I drove my S-ex (sociopathic ex) from my life. Although I was a criminal defense attorney, I still got conned — by an ex-con, no less. He took me for a lot of money, destroyed me emotionally, drove off my friends and family — in sum basically destroyed my life. And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I lost my job 3 months later. Then my health gave out. All in all, not an exceptionally great place to be.
But, I kept coming back here. I did a lot of reading and a lot of learning. I listened to what people on this site had to say. And I got it rhough my thick head that going and staying NC was the only way I was ever going to recover.
I gradually got my health back, rebuilt bridges to the relationships which had been destroyed, and, wonder of wonder, met a wonderful man whom I have been with or 9 months now. Oh, yes. And a few weeks ago, after 53 weeks out of work, I got a great job offer. I have to relocate, which is a bit upsetting, since I freally love my life, friends, and apartment in NYC. But, on the other hand, I am moving toward something positive on the career front, the man I am in volved with supports what I am doing completely and is job-hunting in my new locale, and I have a few friends where I am moving, so I am sure I can build a new life which will be as good, if not better, than my old life.
So, hang in there. Recovery from a cluster-B is never easy. I know well what those days are like when you can’t even get out of bed and just lie there watching “The Golden Girls” 24/7. But, the will to live does come back, as does the fighting spirit. Most of the people in your life will never understand how you got involved with your S-ex. Everybody here does. This site is a wonderful resource. Use it.
Trust me. You will come back better than ever when this is over.
Matt
XOXO(n+1)
Matt,
Thanks for that. I know I speak for any of us for whom the discovery is still fresh and the wound still raw.
Your message for persistance, recovery and hope is one I along with so many others, am anxious to hear.
You are correct in that no one understands how it happens when it has not happened to them. The only people I can talk to are here.
Everywhere else, my story has great entertainment value and the amatuer psychologists dine well on it after every chapter I present to them.
I am grateful for friends and family who make the decision to stand by me now- But the SUPPORT for all that is harder than hell to do like maintaining no contact, understanding the lie, recognizing the realities of the situation legally and getting out of bed come from the people, the articles and the stories here.
Already, I look forward to that day.
Thanks!