Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
Matt….
Thank you for posting your story. I am very new here and I am at the REBUILDING stage right now and your post has given me HOPE that, in time, our new lives will be SO much better!
I posted earlier about a cousin of a friend of mine who just went through a break up from a Sociopath woman. I recommended this board for him.
The woman who started this board, along with all of the people on here…need to be commended for helping SO many people get through “HELL”….and find their way back to the life that we are put on this earth for….to love and be loved.
My experience with this last monster has really taught me moreabout MYSELF than any other tragedy I’ve experienced.
It has also motivated me to begin a new career…I want to counsel and help people who have gone through the same “HELL”.
I know that I will be able to help save lives…better than being a teacher, which is what my present career is.
I am planning to start school in September and get a Master’s degree in counselling…a lifelong dream.
I always wanted to be a counselor and this experience has motivated me to get my life dream.
So…as I teach my own girls…”Out of everything bad, something good comes.”
There are people still in pain now, and I hope that my posts can encourage them to leave the past behind, (after you go through the stages, of course..which are necessary) and I promise all of you….you will NEVER be the same person again.
You will live the BEST life ever once you get through it.
AND, you will.
You didn’t lose anything….and DON”T lose yourself.
In the end…its all we really have anyway.
God bless…..tobehappy
This is definitely a ride like a rollercoaster. Some days you feel great and some days you feel lower than a snake’s belly. Some days I feel that everything will be ok and others I am crying my eyes out. Some days I am so happy he is out of my life and some days I feel physically sick he is not in my life. The days I get tremendous anxiety are tough to get through but I just pray that I can, and somehow I do. Thank heavens I have this site to come to because you all know that this is a long journey to heal from- it is something you never would have even imagined when you met the spath. No one could have prepared you unless they had been through it too. Thank goodness that that are those here who are further into the journey and can help lead those of us who need their light to get out of the tunnel.
Jell, There was a n amazing Aussie woman who married an American guy,he was good looking ,charming, silver tongued,but also a spath /Narcissist. They ended up buying a huge remote cattle station in the Northern Territory of Australia. her name was sarah ferguson. He was a drinker, a womaniser,hopeless with money,a gambler, they ended up bankrupt, and he ended up dead in a plane crash. She was determined to save the cattle station, she worked her butt off, with the help of her two {by now adult} daughters, and she did save it. Only to end up being sued for loss of wages by one of her daughters and the daughters husband. She died of breast cancer a few years ago, but her motto was,
“forget about looking for the light at the end of the tunnel,
run down that dark tunnel, and light the bloody thing yourself!”
Her two books are called.
“From Strength to strength
” and “The Strength in us all.”
Love and Hugs,gem.XXX
I am so angry that I am still so hurt and still cry for this man. He was everything I always wanted and told me everyday how I was the love of his life-that he NEVER felt for her what he felt for me and expressed desire for a child with me. He was so paralyzed and consumed with losing this “reputation” that he thought he had. His wife even went to his bosses and all the co-workers where he and I met, and the hospital I went later. Four months before she found out, she came over to my side of the river and got an administrative VP position and they put her office down the hall from my work area. I used to have to see her in the hall everyday. I knew who she was but she didn’t know who I was. I was so traumatized to see that fat,ugly woman everyday and know that my love was going home to THAT. His boss was also a close friend of his. He was married to the woman that he ALSO left a wife for. His boss moved down the street and around the corner from me. It killed me every time I knew that they were going over to his house for some party. He later told me that there were times when she was in the car with him and he drove down my street and passed my house when he could have taken several different ways home. I hated her being at my work. He would always have to leave me to go to dinner with her. There were times that we would be sleeping after making love and she called him while he was in my bed. That was one of the few things we fought about. He would get horribly aggravated with me if I cried because of that. Sometimes if we had gotten a chance to spend extended time together, I would cry when he left me. He would get upset if I cried because he said how uncomfortable it made him. I don’t understand why he was with her and why he was too much the coward to leave her. One of the other things was that he would never fight with me in person. He would always say horrible things to me by text message and he would do it when he was home and not where he could text. There were times when I threatened to end the relationship because I hated sharing him. He would make an excuse to go out to the store or run errands so we could talk. He would get so scared when I tried to break it off. He would get all teary and beg me not to do it. I don’t understand why did this. He promised me in the beginning that he would NEVER hurt me. He said all the right things to make me fall for him. His life with her was so pathetic-he didn’t want her touching him. They went to some parties with friends. He juggled his schedule to maximize his time with me. We had coffee 4 days a week before work and we talked on the phone on his way to work and on his way home. When he was on call at night at the hopsital, I brought him dinner when he didn’t have any. Ibrought him powerade that was frozen the way he liked it, so he would stay hydrated for long surgeries. I would go up there really late at night to have a little time with him on breaks and then get up at the crack of dawn to bring him the good coffee that he liked. When I was sick-he came over with all the medicine, drinks, and groceries to last a week. We had everything in common and they had nothing in common. We liked all the same activities, sports,music,books, movies and cop shows on tv. We watched the history channel together. I don’t understand how he wanted me to have my new career so much and then once she found out, I wasn’t good enough anymore. He complained about how she loved his money and spending it. He KNEW he had a much better deal with me. Iloved him for him-not his money. She told me that he didn’t love me because he didn’t buy me expensive jewelry like he did her. I didn’t need that-he bought me police equipment that I would need for my future job. He was planning to give me the “top of the line” bullet proof vest that cost $5000. He was trying to save for it so he would have it for my graduation. I NEVER asked him for that. I can’t believe he turned into Mr. Hyde when he left. He told his wife awful lies about me when he left to try to get her back-things that hurt my deeply. He later admitted when I confronted him, that he knew those things were lies but he said that he would say ANYTHING to get the marriage back. None of this happened until he went to his attorney for the first time. We were planning our lives together after the divorce. It was like he snapped and had a psychotic break. After she first found out, he admitted that I was not the first time he cheated. She said that his other three times were just flings and only sex. I was the only long term relationship. At first she said that she thought he really loved me. THen afterward, she was really mean and I quit talking to her. I haven’t seen him since the day he left. He called me four months later because I did send him a love letter for his birthday and asked him why he did what he did. I asked why he lied and broke all of his promises. He said that he was going to therapy now because she made him. He told me that he was sorry and that he had done it because his childhood was so horrible. That’s when I let him have it. I had offered to go to counseling with him. I wanted to help him-to be there for him. I went off on him and confronted him for lying and he admitted that he was a coward. He also talked about having to buy her off so she would take him back. Sure enough, the bitch did. She cancelled the divorce. She took a man back who cheated on her with me and three others that I know of. He admitted all his lies but was adamant and denied EVER having sex with ANYONE but me when we were together. He said that was the only thing that he was telling the truth about. When he talked about having a child with me, we were both crying in bed and he promised that he would never have sex with her or anyone but me. Now I don’t think I can ever date, or love, or have sex EVER again. It makes me feel so angry but I feel like I always love him. He was my first TRUE LOVE. Why do I still cry for him when I am so angry with him that I wish I could beat the hell out of him. I just hope and pray that when I finally do run into them together that I am in my police uniform and looking awesome. I don’t know how I would react otherwise to see them. I am thankful that I never ran into them somewhere during our relationship. I thank God for that. Iam just so angry that I can’t over this. I don’t WANT TO CRY FOR HIM ANYMORE.
Erin….
Please understand that everything they tell you is a lie. And, they lie to their wives…and they even lie to themselves!
He is SEVERELY disordered…and is probably not lying about his awful childhood, but that was probably more of a pity ploy!
I KNOW its hard to figure out because they text you and tell you all of the time…how much they “love” you. THey HIDE behind texts and phones.
All of his words were a ploy to SECUCE you to get hooked…so he could USE you for his OWN gratification.
It’s all about THEM and YOU are his supply. Read about Narcissists on websites. They only see you as someone who can give him what HE needs…usually SEX, (they have high testosterone levels) and MONEY and ATTENTION!
Its ALL ABOUT THEM!!! THEM THEM THEM…they cannot GIVE …only to get. They confuse the shit out of you, because they REEL you in and keep throwing “crumbs” to keep you..even if it costs them money! For them, a GREAT supply is worth the world…As long as you are supplying HIS needs, they will continue.
MY Xmonster told me “all the right things” as I once told my sister…I told my sister he is SO perfect…he says all of the right things!!!
Yes, they KNOW what to SAY. WORDS WORDS WORDS…
and they are so believable. Even now, when I think of him saying to me…”I wish I started my life with you…I NEVER felt like this for a woman before…” I now realize what he meant..
“You are a PERFECT supply for ME…You give me the best sex…I have plans to keep you around..since you will loan me money in the future..”
Do you get it? They are NOT normal! They cannot BOND..they cannot LOVE. My xhusbmonster…just wanted to have a family to brag to his friends about…”Look what I have..”
We went to a professional..one of the best…He said to me-
“TOBE, in 30 yrs I NEVER told anyone to get divorced. I am a Christian counselor. I am telling you that this man has NO CONSCIENCE and never will. You need to RUN from him as fast as you can..and far…because there is still a degree of “dangerous obsession” toward you…but he is INCAPABLE of loving you or anyone else.”
I almost died! I had a 2, 3, and 4 yr old with him at the time!!!
And, he was right. He is pathologically ill. He was a BIG liar…faked it REALLY good….tears and all. And, when he KNEW I wouldn’t have sex with him anymore…and I stopped giving him any attention…he was crying how much he loved me!!! Guess what???? He was sleeping with a stripper the whole time he was crying!!!!!!
Talk about SHOCK. OMG.
I did divorce him and RAN 100 miles away. He SWORE it wasn’t true. (I had photos of them together) and then …seven years later…I finally meet another man…who comes on SO strong….says things to me that no man has ever said….and, even though I had “gut feelings” that something was “too good to be true”…….and questioned him at times…he would say to me…”Are you kidding? I am up your ass all day..I text you and call you every hour!”
I found out that the entire time we were seeing each other, he was meeting women online..(which he SWORE he never did) and also…he was STILL LIVING WITH HIS X G/F!!!!!
He told me he “sold” his house 3 months after we met! He told me he was living with his brother. I found out NOW, that he NEVER sold it…was living with her the entire time he was seeing ME!
Ok…so I went into shock. BIGFRIGGIN SHOCK!
And, I thought I was going to die. I almost had my sister take me to the ER.
Instead, I found this site….(2 weeks ago) and with the support and VALIDATION from THIS site…I realized that what he did was SEDUCE me in …got me into a hypnotic state…I never FELT so loved….and then he USED me for his own personal satisfaction…for sex, attention, excitement, someone to talk to (they get bored easily), and possibly money. He was also looking for a place to live for free. (Thank God I didn’t let him move in)
So, Erin…SATAN’s are out there! Very sick disordered people…who are GREAT at what they do. They believe their own lies….convince themselves that its ok to manipulate and lie,…because, after all..they are making YOU happy too!
Erin, ACCEPT the fact that he is DISORDERED! He isn’t NORMAL. What normal man would still live with his xwife and get so seriously involved with someone else???
God, cut your losses…count your blessings and don’t be angry at yourself….they are really GOOD at what they do.
DOn’t replay his words and the good feelings he gave you!! Realize that it was ALL a game to him…to feel good, to get your attention….it was ALL for him.
It will take time for you to only think of the lies…and put the anger on HIM. Feel the anger and don’t turn it inward. You wer DECEIVED..ripped off…they are theives!!!
When you realize that they are sick disordered people who can’t TRUST the world…because of whatever happenned to them as children…so they built up a wall and decided NEVER to get close to anyone….just use people as OBJECTS to satisfy thier needs….then you will not even WANT him in your life EVER again.
BE careful..because they SUCK you right back in. Mine did several times..until I came here and realized that they are “textbook” sickos. They all do the SAME thing.
READ EVERY SINGLE STORY ON HERE!!! They are SATANIC CLONES>…
Yes, Erin…there IS Evil in this world!!! And they attack the sweetest, innocent, empathetic people like us!!!!
Do NOT be a target anymore, …..you will get tough…
Pamper yourself…read on here..post….do NOTHING….eat , sleep, and REST.
You’ve just had a big blow….so TAKE CARE Of YOURSELF…like you would a wounded child!!!
In time, you will “bless this fish and throw him back to sea” and realize that he was brought into your life for a reason…
to wake you up and teach you a lesson…to be careful who you let into your life…and to trust CONDITIONALLY. People have to EARN your trust….and it takes ALOT of time!!
So, please read alot on here and realize that you lost NOTHING but a sick monster who will only find another poor victim to suck in fast , lie to , use and discard when they don’t need them.
They NEVER change!
HUGS and INNER PEACE sent your way.. Time to take care of ERIN…and you will.
Oh, Erin…another thing….when you finally catch themin a lie and confront them…they RUN RUN RUN!
Then they shift the guilt….and blame it on YOU!
All part of the crazymaking…gaslighting..(watch the movie)
Everyone I know who was involved with these SICKOS…ended up feeling SO down and couldn’t even function. Its NORMAL…your body goes into shock…
So, just hang in there and put the anger where it belongs..on him….But, realize, that you are mad at a MENALLY ILL monster. So, in time, you will see him for what he is..and you won’t even be angry anymore..you won’t pity them…you will just be glad to have SATAN out of your life….
Hang in there and get support from here and people who understand ….not many will…but keep journalling your feelings…write him angry letters..(don’t send)….until you get it all out. THEN you can start to heal your wounds…take care of YOU….and see things more clearly.
It will come Erin…just remember…NO CONTACT at all…or you will have a setback. He is DEAD. And, if he really was..you would go on living your life and becoming the person that you want to be…..so just get through this rough time…and you will if you stay on this board….and you will SURVIVE!!!! Promise. HUGS
Oh Erin,
Hold on, hang in. I know it hurts all of us are here because it does.
Hold onto the understanding that this is your time to take care of you.
There are so many good articles and stories here. Start by holding onto those and take the days as they come.
We’re here for you.
Dear Erin,
Sweetie, you have some good information here. She may have been “fat and ugly” but you know, he was married to her because he WANTED TO BE, AND he also wanted YOU.
He lied to you. How far would he have gottenn if he told you “My wife is boring, and I would like to have sex with your beautiful body, but you are just a sex toy or me.”
Of course you would have told him to HIT THE ROAD JACK, the lies and all the things he said that you wanted to hear were LIES.
Sure, that is hard to accept, but we all believed the lies we were told because that is how they hooked us. It hurts to think YOU really loved, but he was a liar, but it is the truth.
Accepting that truth is painful and you are in pain now, but you won’t always be. It is okay to FEEL that pain and that anger!Q@....... (((hugs))))) and God bless.
When I confronted him, when he was running, he told me that he used me for sex and that I was trash. That’s why I call him Mr. Hyde. I was so disappointed and angry that she took him back because I wanted everything to come crashing down on him. Although I do believe that he could have become violent if she had. He is such a freakin coward. He said that he fought by text because he could never look at me and be angry. It’s interesting that our first fight that we had in person was the big gigantic one where he bailed and ran. He had the nerve to call me the crazy one. I am so grateful to find this site because there was NO one who knew how I felt.
Erin…keep reading the information on here. We all understand. You don’t know and will never know the truth about what is going on between him and his wife.
I know you want to put the jigsaw puzzle together…I did too. I had to ponder for a few days..think about certain incidents and some became claear.
But then, after awhile I realized that all of the other lies didn’t matter…he was a LIAR ..the most dangerous person IS a liar.
So, I “let it be” and took my energy elsewhere.
But, this took time. So, right now it is so normal for you to FEEL your hurt and anger.
You now know what he is. And, in your heart…you really don’t want a cruel con man.
Any woman to stay with them, is just as sick as they are.
I realize that I stayed with my xmonster, and didn’t confront him on issues..because I was NOT emotionally healthy…secure and confident in myself.
So, I’m past the anger and hurt as you will be soon if you continue to read on here…validate the truth about this monster…and decide that even if he won the million dollar lottery and came begging for you to go back with him….
You would tell him to GET LOST!
If you paid me a billion dollars, I wouldn’t give my xmonster the time of day. He doesn’t deserve to see my pretty face and hear my voice or get one ounce of my attention.
If he sends me a letter ….I swear to you…I wouldn’t even open it up…I would return to sender.
He is NOT the person I was in love with….that person was an illusion in my head. …doesn’t exist.
And, you were mesmerized and fell in love with someone that doesn’t exist.
So, you lost nothing.