Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
lostingrief – ((((((((((girl)))))))))))))
you know how people say they want to steal our light – well, maybe it’s the trade they take our light an dleave us with theri anger and heaviness. (sas the woman whose shirt strains as she leans forward to type)
i am glad that most of your days are good, and that you are 18 months NC on the outside- first level of freedom.
now, what’s going to help with the ugly abusive control stuff inside? i know that no matter how angry, ungraceful, heavy you have become you are still beautiful. it is your birth right.
so, how do you get to that knowledge? i don’t know where you are in this process so i don’t want to assume what you have done, know to do, but i do want to tell you that i KNOW you can do this. you know inside you how to move through this. it takes time and listening.
you go girl. i don’t give a shit what that mirror in your mind is saying – you are awesome.
hens – what are you doing about at 4 pm in the aft ?! (my time)
happy spathless anniversary!
i kicked some leaves aside the other day – small nubs are pushing through the earth….so beautiful
Dear Silvermoon, your tender and compassionate post above is so wonderful it brought tears to my eyes. (good tears) Gosh I am such a sloppy sentimental tear-gushing old bat!
Henry, I have always been able to sound at least like I had my chit together, and some times I DO, but then, BAM!!! I lose it and fall into that pit and am so far down it seems like I can’t even see the light at the top of that pit. Learning all these new ways of thinking and acting and believing is a TOUGH job. You know that, I know you do cause you are very like me in this thing, we get down on ourselves and that’s why BOTH OUR HEADS ARE FLAT cause I’ve hit us both a bunch of times with the cast iron skillet of ‘QUIT THAT CRAP RAT NOW!”
I DO have my chit together most of the time, but I also realize if I don’t keep on the road, that little demon of self doubt will get to me, and it isn’t ever going to completely go away, I have to keep on practicing, just like in the article I wrote about learning to ride a bicycle—PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. We (you and I) and many other people here I think grew up with incidents and childhoods that made us value our selves less than we should and made is think that somehow our happiness and successes depended on others opinikons of us or that if we could placate the “two headed” dogs that were screaming for meat, that by slicing off pieces of our souls and flinging them to the dogs they wouldn’t eat the rest of us.
Well, I have realized that I can’t placate those “two headed devil-dogs” no matter what I do, so I am going to let them starve to death or go find other prey.
I’m tired of living in a dark corner of shame because my family is NOT A NICE NORMAL FAMILY and I am tired of pretending it is. However, I AM a wonderful, kind, caring, compassionate and damned tough old woman, and probably kinder than I would have been if I hadn’t endured what I have, and probably a better person as well, because I HAVE A CONSCIENCE AND A MORAL COMPASS, and so do you! That’s why I love you Henry! You have come through the fire intact.
THE FINEST CHINA HAS BEEN THROUGH THE HOTTEST FIRES.
LIG I still have terrible days when I get those thoughts – how could he do that to me??? But those days are getting less and less. I remember in the beginning every day every hour was like that – now it’s perhaps one day a fortnight and the thought is fleeting. I am able to distract myself out of it. Thanks for being honest – non contact is a hard journey and we don’t always feel wonderful keeping it up but the benefits of it far outweigh the difficult times. Congrats to you on eighteen months – you’re doing awesome and are an example to those of us not so far along!
Hens – two years! Wow – and you sound so positive about the Spring. I have a feeling you will be meeting someone pretty soon – the universe has a funny way of knowing better than us when we are ready for it 🙂
Oxy – you were the first person to respond to me too here and you are wonderful 🙂 So wise and compassionate and loving and giving. Thankyou for sharing your life – both pain and pleasure as you accompany all of us on our painful but renewing healing journeys 🙂 You’re beautiful – wrinkles, skillet and all!
Jelltogether, it’s amazing how everybody’s stories are just like mine. I can’t believe that I am still mourning and grieving so much after all this time-maybe it’s because I had no closure with him. It feels worse than having your love pass away or die. My head tells me that the man that I love never existed to begin with, but my heart does not understand. I can’t believe how much I sacrificed to take care of him. His wife revealed a lot of his lies when she initially threw him out. Then, I started to doubt what she said was true as well. I wonder if SHE is any less crazy than he is for continuing to take him back. She told me that the other young women were treated identical to me by him. I remember him talking early on about how he had developed this reputation as strong man of integrity, has a good wife by his side, close good relationship with his daughter, successful surgeon with money and doctor friends, loves his dogs, etc. He once said that “God help anyone who tries to mess with my family or damage my reputation”. That was a red flag that I ignored because I had been in love for months and we were already having sex. I was so ecstatic to FINALLY be in love but at the same time, I cried for him every night that he went home to her. His best friend who is JUST like him, and his boss, moved very close to me. He would tell me when we were together that he would be at Chip’s house for a party on the weekend-that meant he would be bringing her on my side of the river and mere blocks from my house. Example of cruelty: he knew that I cried for him on the weekends when he was with HER. He called me on a Saturday when I was expecting texts only due to her likely being around. I was so happy that he called. He says-“I just drove right past your house”. My heart sank and asked why he didn’t stop. “I can’t really do that when my wife was following right behind me in her car”. He could have gone many ways to get home without taking HER past my house-where I could have seen them. He always told me not to worry because I had him for less time, but I had the best part of him. SHE didn’t like any of the things he liked, but I had everything in common with him. He would answer a call from her in my bed at times right after we made love-if he had been gone for too long. He couldn’t understand why that hurt me until I threatened to break it off and then he begged and pleaded me not to do it. He promised he would never do it again. I went to such great lengths to take care of him and he would hook me by telling me that SHE didn’t care, that she just wanted to spend his money. I was cooking for him, doing laundry, bringing him coffee,food and anything he needed at all hours of the night because I loved him. I took those white doctor coats home and soaked them in oxyclean and had them perfectly pressed-all things she admitted she wouldn’t do for him. He runs, turns into Mr. Hyde on me, trashes my reputation and says horrible things and I had no chance to respond. He would respond to e-mails calling me crazy and telling me to leave him alone-all because I wanted an explanation. I just this week had to alter my drive to and from work and take the long way to avoid driving past his office and his hospital because it was upsetting me too much-and it’s been 10 FREAKIN months since he left. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW I CAN MISS HIM BUT WANT TO SEE HIM EXPERIENCE BLOODY AMOUNTS OF PAIN AT THE SAME TIME. He begged and pleaded and bought HER off to take him back. I am afraid of what would have happened if she hadn’t. I should be grateful to her because it’s less likely that he would try to commit violence against me.
hi Onestep – i am burning brush , cleaning out bird houses , planting this here and digging that up because it wants more sunshine – rearanging the yard – in and out of the house – enjoying the day – i take a puter and cig break every so often – no schedule here…its nice not having to keep the spath intertained – so now I can do all the boring things I love
Ox,
<<<<>>>>
That was sposed to say HUGS…..
Dear Henry,
Let the goats out to romp an roam in the woods behind the barn, they won’t go far, but they can enjoy the day too. They’ve been locked up inside like prisoners in a jail.
D and his climbing friend have been practicing rock climbiing holds on the dump truck with the bed raised up high, in shorts and wife-beater tee shirts in 70+ degress—gosh what a wonderful day! The taters sets are under a foot of mulch, but a couple of weeks late getting out. A friend stopped by to chat and exchange books we borrow from each other.
I almost feel manic it is so nice to be outside between breaks to rest a little while. NO CIGS for me, just a nicotine lozenge once in a while but been SMOKE FREE for 4+ months now so feeling much better.
Well, going back outside to enjoy the rest of the daylight!
Ox its nice to feel alive again. so it’s about hamburger helper time and then gonna get horizontal on the couch with the weiners and watch the oscars – yeah ~! i love being single ~!