Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
tobehappy
Erin…you are having a Breakthrough tonite!!!!!!
I had a major MELTDOWN two weeks ago…(this blog SAVED my life!!!)…and I SOBBED for hours at my sister’s house.
I was saying over and over..
“I hate myself…I want to take my brain out of my head and smash it!!!”
I didn’t want to die…I wanted to keep my SOUL…but I hated my stupid brain for being wired to be insecure and have low self esteem to SETTLE for this man, who seduced me into thinking NOONE would ever love me like him…etc…
He actually SAID that!!! And lots of other “lines” that he probably uses on every woman he is setting up for money and sex…..OMG
I broke down that night…and broke THROUGH something.
I was angry at my parents that night for making me insecure by neglecting me and abusing me….
I wanted to smash my brain!!
Well…I made it through that night…it was LANDMARK. Everyone on here tucked me into my bed that night!
(THANK YOU!!!!)
I woke up and spent a whole week alone all day…reading, journalling and recouperating….from being hit by a train a week prior!!!
I deleted his photos, texts…and got rid of ANY memory of him.
I screamed ITS OVER NEVER AGAIN>>>over and over
TEARS are healing…ANGER gets you moving….its ALL GOOD!!
After that night…I was REBORN…and I don’t even feel like the same person anymore.
I KNOW that I will never trust anyone who doesn’t EARN it..in my life!!!!
I made a mistake staying with this monster…but he was a GIFT to me…because I learned to LOVE and RESPECT myself and PROTECT myself from EVIL….which I never believed roamed the Earth…before this encounter.
I GREW UP and now I will handle EVERYONE in my life differently…BOUNDARIES…now…its ALL about me and taking care of me.
You are getting there!!!! Stay angry for awhile…its ok.
HUGS
tobehappy
YAHOO!!!!!!!! YOU are on your way girl!!!!
Now, its all about ERIN!!!!!
Don’t even hold onto anger for him…which will only hurt YOU!!!
Bless him, and throw him back into the sea…..
YOU will be blessed a thousandfold!!
Since I got SATAN out of my life…ALL GOOD THINGS …MIRACLES have been happenning to me DAILY!!!
I see him as a pathetic monster….I don’t even say his name if I talk about him…I call him the monster…(love Lady Gaga!)
lol
And, I don’t let my brain THINK of the sweet talk and words…the ACT…
You know..I noticed he would pick up on MY pharases and use them when he spoke….friggin COPYCATS!!!!
But, they are pathetic and I don’t want to hate him. He is messed up and I do feel sorry that he is that way…but not sorry enough to have him USE me and DISPOSE of me when I unveiled his mask!!!
They are ALL the same….its scary…textbook!!!
I plan to get a degree in counselling and hopefully do workshops at Middle Schools to teach young teens about SOCIOPATHs ….thats my mission.
I wish someone would have made me AWARE of these disordered monsters…I married one and had three kids with him!!!
So, Erin…cut your losses and count your blessings….and thank him for making you a stronger person in this life!!!
STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
jelltogether
Bravo Erin for being brave enough to get rid of his stuff. Don’t beat yourself up. The people who deserve the beating are the ones who did this to us. Not literally (although it would feel pretty good!) but mentally in our brains–we need them to beat them out of our lives and live again. Parasites cannot lives without a host.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
tobehappy:
‘i didnt’ want to die, I wanted to keep my SOUL.’ an eloquent and disarming statement (by this i mean – stripped to the bone humility).
i haven’t been reading or posting much, so I don’t know if you have already read the BETRAYAL BOND, but it speaks to how the ugly messages we internalize become a part of us…and how to unwind them.
best,
one step
tobehappy
Erin…play Leona Lewis HAPPY over and over
You will “brainwash” yourself…lol..to be happy..lol
I listen to it all day…because it says….
“So what if I break down…so what if it hurts”…(I am NOT staying with you like an insecure child…I’m going out into the world now…to find what I deserve…I’m not staying a victim…I’m moving on)….its EMPOWERING ..
Listen to lots of music….go on MIndgym.com and patiently do the work….and you will feel like a new person..
It takes work to recover from this trauma of dealing with Satan…..but now GOD is with you all of the way!!!
Get secure and tough…..from now on. HUGS
erin1972
I am just not able to stop crying this weekend and it’s all about anger-at myself. I can identify with what you said about wanting to take out your brain and smashing it. I have so many issues with my parents from childhood about my dad working out of town and moving us to an affluent area where I didn’t fit in. My mother controlling every aspect of my life. She locked me in the house and never left me do anything. It made me painfully shy and I have a horrible time making friends. My younger saying horrible things to scar my self esteem. I think that she has some sociopathic tendencies on the female end. I just get so angry and frustrated that I feel like I’m going to die. It is SO much harder too-usually when I had a break-up, I would throw myself into my job to deal. I despise my job because I am trying to make a change. I tried moving to a new area in the hospital but my co-workers are straight from hell evil-full of drama and nastiness and childish behavior which is NOT what I need right now. I am trying to go elsewhere now. I am so scared that I won’t be able to put up the boundaries. I have been a magnet for these spaths my whole life and Alan was my longest relationship-ever. The first time I felt truly in love, and at age 37, the first time I had an orgasm during sex. I sometimes feel like I will never get over this. I am afraid to trust myself or anyone else. I JUST WANT TO GET BETTER and I want my old job back. I want the career that I’ve been dying for my whole life.
tobehappy
And..don’t say his name…call him…Satan, monster, Evil…
you will feel better.
And play all empowering music…LOUD…like
The Greatest Love of ALL (whitney)
Cold Hearted Snake (Paula Abdul)
and my favorite…whenever I feel weak….I start singing it in my head….HAPPY
Erin, I swear to you….something happenned to me that night that I “broke through”….
I have an inner peace and motivation that I never had before..
I found ME!!!!
I am planning to go back to school for a MA in counselling…I am inspired to get my easle back out…and paint….I’ve already joined some clubs…on Law of Attraction…I want to study Buddism….always wanted to do this…and I have SO much that I want to do!!!
YOU will get here too!!!!! Just keep praying to keep EVIL away….and get Louise Hays book…You Can Heal Your LIFe….
You will be FINE…..
jelltogether
Good night everyone. Sleep tight and dont’ let the sociopath’s bite.
erin1972
Goodnight everyone-thanks for helping. I cry when I think how grateful I am that I found this site. It wasn’t helping hearing the same people telling me-it’s over, suck it up, and get over it. They just don’t understand! I can’t believe that I finally found people who understand!
pollyannanomore
One Step – that land sounds marvellous – and who cares if it is in the boondocks>>?
I have a vision of you with an old house trucked onto the land running workshops and retreats for lesbians and straight people affected by a**hole relationships! Oh my how exciting! Being among nature sounds just perfect for you after all you’ve been through.
And I am sure I detected a glimmer of excitement in your writing about it! Woohoo! Funny thing I was googling dowsing last night for some reason 🙂