Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
Erin….
YOu are on your WAY..YOUR way now.
You need to make some changes in YOUR life now.
I went onto Mindgym.com and it was tedious, but I realized that my mother was a SOCIOPATH, from HER dysfunctional upbringing and my Dad ignored me.
Due to this, I have been insecure all of my life…living in fear.
And, the shame of it all, is that I was Gorgeous, intelligent, talented and loving. But, I chose men and “settled” for men who were just like my mom…controlling and “sick”.
Every relationship I had was with an abusive controlling type…I was attracted to them and “allowed” them to control me…and manipulate and use me.
I married a Sociopath who has no conscience…doesn’t even acknowledge his 3 beautiful and gifted and talented children. His father was a Sociopath too. His mother told me all about it..he was diagnosed when SHE went through HER hell.
So, I realized that I am “wired” to attract these abusers and I am determined…at age 52, (everyone thinks I’m 40!) that I am going to rewire my brain…whatever it takes!
What it takes is WORK. I am getting into Zen meditation, going to take classes…and I’m doing the “Healing” work from Louise Hays books…and I am doing whatever it takes to feel good about MYSELF.
Yes, I think about the nightmare I got myself into. I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for MY contribution to it. I KNEW what he was from the start…sensed it…but I allowed him to continue to do his seducing and to keep me in his life…for HIMSELF.
I was the PERFECT supply for him. I NEVER questioned him…since he told me from the start..that a woman used to “check up” on him…etc…and if someone has to do that..they aren’t worth it! (I wonder WHY she was so mistrusting of him!!)
Then another one burned all of his belongings!! Gee, THAT was a red flag!!
I chose to ignore the bad signs that he was a shifty lying abusive selfish man.
When he sucked me back in with a letter he wrote…it was all about HIM.
In fact, the heading was “I FEEL SO BAD”….WOW!!
He wrote that he didn’t deserve me and he hasn’t been happy without me…and HE feels so bad….and swore he wasn’t on dating sites (LIE!) and blah blah blah..all about HIM!!!
What the hell about MY feelings????
Then he sent me money and texts and got me right back in. I couldn’t believe that someone could lie about wanting to “MARRY ” me!!!! He KNEW what it took to get me back. And, once he did…he was already setting me up to use me for money and sex. OMG!!!
I THANK GOD every morning that I was strong enough to get the hell out. I met a woman who owned a salon in a rich town and the stories that she told me about women who let these mentally ill devils move into their homes…and they were ripped off thousands of dollars, and were cheated on by them…in their OWN HOMES!!!!
So, Erin…SATAN is rampant in our world. If not, the economy would be good and there would be no war!!!!
I am no longer looking for the “good” in people and feeling sorry for people. I am tough, hard, and strong and SMART about life now!!
And you are younger than me. You CAN change your life…MOVE if you have to…get a NEW job….and start your life over …..better yourself!
Keep thinking POSITIVE and FORWARD…..and take ACTION.
DO something to change your life…
Many people do. I divorced my xhusb monster and moved 100 miles away and started over with my 3 little baby girls! I NEVER thought I could raise 3 kids on my own..and I’ve done it!!!! EIGHT years now..they have had a beautiful home with a lakeview….a beach across the street….good schools…and its been tough….had electric shut off a few times…etc…
BUT…use what these creeps did to you to give you STRENGTH!
SUCCESS is the best revenge…nothing more.
If you hold onto ANGER..it will only hurt YOU!
THEY are ILL SICK PATHETIC CRAZY MESSED UP people.
So, bless them and move on. They NEED it…their lives are miserable….believe it or not. Its just a front they put on..but they are really LOST. Money, sex, material things..social status doesn’t change their SOULS!!!
So, today is the first day of the rest of your new life!!
OK..feel the anger…acknowledge it..then envision yourself a year from now, being better than you are today..
And…it WILL happen. WHat you think about you GET>
Where energy goes…energy flows…..
HUGS
Erin…order the book Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra L. Brown….just got mine today! Can’t wait to read it…
Another thing…you have to ask yourself…
“Where do I want to go now in my life?”
And work towards it.
YOU ARE HERE like on a map….
Lonely people have no DESTINATION.
Set some NEW goals for yourself and take action to get them…
This is the only way out..UP!
TOBEHAPPY-I was planning to marry my guy but I’m so glad I didn’t. I am proud of you for picking yourself up and raising your girls alone. If I had gotten pregnant with him, I would be doing the same-but I’m glad I didn’t. It would be SO hard to accomplish my dream of becoming a police officer. That is what I’m focused on. My gym membership was approved and I am going to start hitting it and taking classes. I have to get my self esteem back and it will help get the police job back.
I know I have PTSD from him. I seem to take 1 step forward and two steps back. It’s amazing what triggers memories and thoughts. I ran into a respiratory therapist from the hospital where the ex and I worked together. I got afraid that he would ask questions because we will be seeing each other at work. I still feel like-“I can’t believe he did this to me”. That thought hits me a lot-I USUALLY don’t get upset by it,but I still end up saying it to myself.
I am just worried about how to stop being a target. My other relationships were with the same type of guys, but NO WHERE near as bad as this one. I feel like a magnet for them. This relationship was my longest and most serious.That’s why I want to make myself stay completely alone until I am a full fledged police officer. Maybe when I have that fulfillment in life, it will keep me from being like that.
I don’t feel the NEED to move but I am going to also put my police application in for St. Louis-where I used to live, and see what happens. Thanks for the words-keep fightin’!
Erin…
Its TIME to work on you, or you will be like me…attracted to the same type and not even realize it…get hooked …more misery.
The only way that you won’t is if YOU change…meaning…stay the compassionate person you are..but build up your self esteem…get tough…get strong….and learn HOW to handle yourself wisely…with people in general…>For example…Don’t disclose so much info at the beginning…get to know someone for 90 days before getting sexual with them…set boundaries…etc..
Because of my lack of self esteem and feeling like noone would want me…I settled for someone who I KNEW was not healthy..coming on so strong…to start…etc…
Try to order the book…Women Who Love Psychopaths…it will help.
I hope and pray that you get the job in St.Louis..I don’t know how you’ve been healing where you are. I actually had to leave my job because the anxiety was SO bad after a year with him….omg. And, I have 3 kids!!!! Its been a rough road and I was even willing to lose my home ….I just couldn’t do it anymore…(we worked together).
So, I took the chance and I’m glad I’m not there anymore..the situation was “killing” me…seeing him everyday. I wanted to end it last April…didn’t until June…then in October ….I got sucked into his sick world…and since Feb..its over
Be careful what you say to yourself. Your inner dialogue..can cause you to have lots of anxiety.
Whenever I feel anxiety..I STOP what I’m doing and write down the last thought I had. Usually, I analyze what I am saying to myself…and its usually not really true.
For example…I was stupid for staying so long…esp since I sensed something was wrong.
Well..the FACT is that I wasn’t stupid. I was obviously not sure of what was going on…and some of my needs were being filled ….
Byron Katies book Loving What Is…teaches you how to analyze your thoughts…and most of the time we are telling ourselves things that aren’t true..Good book.
You have to re read the stages that Donna wrote about on here. I even took notes…and it helped. I realized what stage I was at…Anger…and I worked through it and let it go.
You can’t be angry at a mentally retarded person…and they ARE mentally ill.
Then I was mad at myself..that was the worst!!! But, I got through that one too…
Its work getting over the devastation these monsters cause.
But, you are young enough to turn your life around and learn from this…
Journal and write here alot…these people on here are the best of the best…..the closest to God…which is why SATAN got them….
Pray too….it works.
OMG…everyone on here should order the book from Sandra Brown…Women Who Love Psychopaths!!
Just got it today..can’t put it down….
It will help in healing…WOW!
I will probably get that book too. I just really do feel relieved that I threw his stuff out. I feel more calm. I am looking forward to getting in the gym. I hope I can go there tomorrow. I also need to get to the range to shoot my new gun. That is HUGE therapy for me. Everytime I feel sad, angry, or stressed- it impowers me and makes me feel better.He and I worked together too. After being away from him at Christmas, I was unable to handle working with him anymore even though we were together and “in love”. I remember that we had our Christmas together on December 23. He took the ENTIRE day off work and was with me from 6am-10pm and it was wonderful. We had always worked together on all the holidays-so I got used to being with him. I remember getting in a fight on Christmas day. He came to work for part of the day to do rounds in our ICU but I knew that he would be leaving in the afternoon to go home to the wife and daughter. I was at work and could not stop crying. I took a break to walk him to his car. I got in so we would get to kiss goodbye and I started crying-telling him I didn’t want him to leave me. He got angry because it made him SO uncomfortable when I cried. I remember him almost pushing me out of the car-saying that he had to go home to his family. That was so gut-wrenching. I was almost inconsolable. That was one of the times that I almost left him. It makes me feel such hurt again to talk about it. I know that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN. No man that promises to spend his life with me will ever be apart from me like that. I settled for something that I could never deserve. I don’t know why I felt I wasn’t strong enough to end it. I was SO afraid of the pain of losing him-but I am getting through it. In the beginning though, I didn’t want to live. I am just SO disappointed in myself for settling. Why did I allow a man to make love to me, fall asleep tangled in my arms and then wake up and go home to someone else. He had me believing that no one would love me as much as he did.
His wife made him see a shrink to get her back. The person he was seeing was recommended by his sociopath best friend-so we know that the therapy will do NO GOOD. He will tell the shrink what he/she wants to hear and continue and do the same thing again. Knowing that she took him back and tolerates it just for money, creeps me out so bad and makes my skin crawl. That is SO disgusting that it makes me shiver and sends chills up my spine. Gross!!! I’m totally grossed out right now. His life is so pathetic to me now and I can say out loud for the first time that he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever!!!!
Sounds like the wife might be catching on… Why assume he will fool the shrink?
Look at the hard time you have had letting go of this guy, that everybody here says over and over and over how hard it is.
Might be tough on her too?
But right now, that’s not here or there. The point is you have a second chance. To quote a song I heard on the radio today,” Sometimes good bye is a second chance”.
You are free to find real love and a healthy relationship that will fulfill you. She’s still stuck with him!
And look at the progress you made in a short time! You go girl!
Shout it from the rooftops! You won’t get fooled again!
Erin…PLEASE get the book. You will realize what you were involved with. I’m half done with it already!
First edition is on Ebay for 189.00!! But, I bought the second edition…a few weeks ago before it was even printed..for 15.00…so order it NOW!
You will eventually stop thinking of all of the things he “said” to you…and you will stop thinking of all of the LIES..and all of the things YOU did to show him you cared…
Its only 2 weeks and I don’t even THINK about those things anymore. I just think of how sneaky he looked and then I change my thoughts…because its like watching a movie with a DEVIL taking advantage of an angel.
Its ok…It made me happy for awhile…while I lived in HIS fantasyland…Then when I started getting really strong feelings that something wasn’t right….(they always slip) …then I had one foot out of the door.
Remember…WE create our own lives. We make choices and do the best we can with what we know…at the time.
NOW, there is NO excuse for us to not REBUILD. We absolutely KNOW that we were involved with pathologically ill men, and we KNOW we need time to heal from the shock of the TRUTH ….and we MUST decide to MOVE ON and learn our lesson well.
READ as much as you can online..in books…about these “textbook” devil molds!!!
I look at him as a MONSTER now. Satan running around trying to find more victims to use.
I told you before..I am going to get a degree in counselling and I plan to work for Sandra someday …or start programs to teach young women (and men) about these DISORDERED people ….1 out of 25…are out there..NOT in jail…OUT in the world….
People need to realize this and learn not to get SUCKERED into their seduction.
Most women that do..have at least a bachelor’s degree!!!
They are professional women!!! One person on here is a criminal defense attorney!!!
So, we need to warn people about these monsters…especially our teenagers. My own daughter seemed to be attracted to the “bad boys” and I put an end to that REALLY fast. I want to try to changer her “wiring” in her brain NOW….otherwise she will be a perfect TARGET for these monsters..as I have been.
I was always model pretty, and smart…and talented…captain of the cheerleaders…etc..and I was always attracted to the “bad boys”…and they were like magnets to me!!!
I wish I knew then, WHY I was that way….and what it would bring me…
I was stalked by x’s when I was in my 20’s…violently attacked by one or two in my thirties!
Then I married the best looking, charming, financially successful man in my town!!!
ALL reminded me of each other!! WHY???? Because they were all the same!!!!!!! They even used the same lines!!!! All charming and good looking!!! omg…
So, now, I am a mother of three girls..and I am teaching them about Sociopaths…and they will be experts by the time they start dating!!! Hopefully.
So, you are going to have to feel the anger and then when you realize that you need to work on bettering yourself….which it seems you are…you will “LET GO…” and chalk it up to a hard lesson…and you will work on whats important here……….YOU!!!
Oh my…..another erin…..I got confused there for a moment…..
🙂
Welcome to LF erin, you’ll find alot of good info and support here!
I’m SO freakin tired of the PTSD. There is always some trigger every day to mess with my head. He drives a dark green grand cherokee and the wife has a silver one. Every time I see one of those two cars, it makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
Today at work we did a special procedure on a guy his age for erectile dysfunction. We usually put heart stents in people. One of our docs has started stenting the arteries that supply blood to the penis to increase the blood flow. We test it by giving an injection that causes erection. The two other nurses in the room were making jokes. Suddenly started having tons of anxiety and what if-ing myself to death. What if the ex hears about the procedure and wants to have it so he can finally get it up for the ugly woman. What if I have to see him? What if I have to take care of him? What if I refuse to participate and they ask why?
I am SICK TO DEATH of this. I start wondering that maybe he WAS taking viagra when we were together and fucking countless women behind my back and I didn’t even know it. All of our sex was unprotected cuz I was on the pill and he promised that he never wanted to have sex with anyone but me and we considered ourselves monogamous. Should I get tested for STDs? I have no symptoms of anything.
I just feel SO sick to my stomach and so violated thinking that he could have fucked people and then came home to my bed. I’m SO disgusted by it. He knew that I take sex very seriously and I don’t do it casually or give it up to JUST ANYONE. Sex is such a personal issue and it is reserved for someone I really love. I feel so used and dirty and gross. I feel like just another whore to him. I had no idea that I was THIS traumatized. When will it stop?