Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
E1972:
Girl…….it’ll take a while…..give it time…..and rather than focusing on what your tired of…..try and see the lesson….
you’ll wonder and wonder…..but in time, you’ll become more comfortable in the educational/awareness side of this crapiola.
Keep on keepen on girl!!
It’s NOT about him now….IT”S ABOUT YOU!!!
Erin 1972 – Yes Yes Yes you should go get checked for hiv as soon as possible. Sociopaths are neither straight or gay they will screw anything. As for ptsd ? put your seat belt on it’s gonna take a while and be a bumpy road. But as you get over the shock and awe of what the spath did to you, it will become a very deep study of your past. And so much of what we thought was right isn’t and that feeds into the ptsd. This is a life lesson – don’t fail it. And I have to admit I chuckled when I read your post, my x drove a beat up WHITE FORD RANGER and still 2 years later when I see one I have a sick feeling, I even look in the rear view mirror to see if it the bumper is falling off like his was and he used white duct tape to hold the tail lights in because he had trashed that WHITE FORD RANGER till it was falling apart from his reckless raging driving tantrums.. I think there are a 100 jillion WHITE FORD RANGERS in my county…but alas he now drives a new BLACK TOYOTA TUNDRA – well at least my f-ed up brain has something new too look for…
OMG hens….that is so friggen funny….I look for a certain SUV with blacked out windows and stickers on the back windows……humming like a helicopter….
Ya know how many SUV’s there are in the MOUNTAINS????
Each time I hear a deep hummmm coming down the road…….my eyes are on the security monitors….
F**Cker….I’m waitin for ya!!!
Hens, I had an HIV test in Jan of 2009 but we were together until the end of April. I got the test and a hep b and c cuz I got stuck with a needle from a hep c patient at work. The tests were negative. Hep tests were repeated after we broke up for follow up. I am about to vomit thinking of him possibly cheating on me and then coming home to my bed. I didn’t know what happened to me until I was suddenly discarded. It hit me like a ton of bricks. His wife found out about us by accident, she kicked him out, he moved in with me, she filed for divorce, we were planning for our future. We were talking about a baby. He had 23yo daughter and wanted one with me. His best friend who is exactly like him, gave him the name of the lawyer and therapist that he had used HIMSELF. Thursday he went to the shrink, Friday the attorney. We had dinner that night,snuggled on the couch to watch tv, made love and went to bed. First thing Saturday morning, she calls and wants him to bring the cats home. She had kept his dogs but demanded he take the cats. He was aggravated but promised to be back home with me as soon as he could. He was gone all day and got mad cuz I called him. I left him alone and called later to find out when he would be home for dinner. I was SO happy that I had him home with me at night instead of going home to her. He called and said that he was coming home but taking his stuff and leaving me. He said that I was trash, he didn’t love me anymore,that he used me for sex, and that I was crazy. It was literally hit by a ton of bricks and my whole world came crashing down. I have never been so traumatized!!!
erin1972 – Welcome to the place of the traumatized. I am sad for every new comer here. Our stories are all so familiar. It has been two years no contact for me, but I kicked him out and then fell apart. I think I am better because of it, or at least I will never be the same so I am gonna make the most of what I have been through into a positive. Hang in there erin – I know it hurts..
thanks-I’m going to TRY to get some sleep now. I hope every day that can go a day without any triggers to bring out the PTSD and I pray for it every day. I feel horrible amounts of guilt. I am wondering if I should go to confession. I ran away from the church years ago because my mom bailed on Catholicism and became a “born -again fanatic” to the point that she is totally out of touch with reality. She preached to be constantly and it killed our relationship. She tried to control every aspect of my life since I was a baby. I just wonder if confession will help with the guilt. I say that I need to get back to church but I’m afraid.
A black Toyota Tundra with PAINTBALL splatters all over it!
🙂
erin1972 – it wasnt until after I realized I was being exploited by a sociopath that i was able to put a name too my ‘mothers’ abuse – NARCISSIST – this is the life lesson I am talking about – study your past – live in the present and prepare for the future. If going to confession will bring you comfort then do it. I go to my hill when I need to confess and talk to god….gnite all
Tobehappy-where y’at girl? I know you had a bad yesterday and I hope you’re ok!
Hens-I have been examining the relationship with mom throughout my life. My dad agrees that she has a big part of me being a target. I just can’t figure out what’s wrong with her. There is SOMETHING-but I have NO idea what to call it.
I was her firstborn. She kept me very locked away as a child and didn’t want me out of her sight. My dad used to try to get her to leave me with her parents or his so they could go out sometimes-my mom refused. She was paranoid about something happening to me-or that I would get in some kind of trouble. I had a hard time making and keeping friends as a child because she would never let me go anywhere without HER. She has always been obscessed with being “born again and “saved”. She has done nothing but preach to me my whole life even when I demanded that she stop. She is incapable of having conversation without talking about the Lord or quoting the bible. It is to the point that she appears to have her head in the clouds and is out of touch with reality.
She does not buy into the idea that my spath was able to deceive me and reel me in. She says that I am to blame because I got with him and it’s a sin. I should have followed the bible and God’s law but I didn’t, and now I am miserable.
My dad finally divorced her several years back because he couldn’t tolerate her anymore.
My mom had an older sister who was really rebellious and wild. She ran away with bikers, partied too much, had too much sex and became an unwed mother. My mom always said that her sister caused her parents so much heartache. she was terrified that I would end up like her sister because I was the oldest child. Her sister was considered really beautiful by most-dark dark hair, fair skinned with a perfect complexion and always wore red lipstick. My mother also looked good in red lipstick but she refused to wear it. My dad used to ask her to wear it and she would always refuse and start talking about her sister being so bad. Then her sisters both got “saved” and both divorced.
My parents fought so much when we were kids that sometimes we would pray for divorce. My dad left once for months because he needed a break. They had some bad fights when I was in high school and I had to play referee sometimes to prevent them from getting physical and it used to terrify my younger sibs. My dad stayed for us kids.
When he finally divorced her, he made sure that she would be taken care of financially and was very fair to her. She had a brain aneurysm in 2006 but lived-now her preaching is way worse than ever. Everyone she knows, including her family compares her to a saint. My dad divorcing her was blamed for the aneurysm. He even came to the hospital to be there and he didn’t have to. Her family hates my dad. He remarried to a wonderful woman who I love SO much. She understands me more than my mom because her first marriage was to an spath.
My mother has had her ego shot to hell over this. After all-she’s Saint Suzie-she doesn’t get divorced. She continues to compare my ordeal with this spath to my father divorcing her and it is NOWHERE NEAR THE SAME. Everytime we see each other or talk on the phone, it results in fighting and me in tears. I had to cut her out of my life recently because she is too stressful. She refuses to stop preaching still. It has made me run so far from religion.
She refuses to stop texting me or e-mailing me bible verses. I don’t return her e-mails or texts. I hold her responsible for my being introverted, naive and WAY too trusting. This only scratches the surface on her behavior throughout my life. My dad also travelled a lot for work when I was growing up so I spent waytoo much time with her. Can anyone here give me some insight on what’s wrong with her? I would appreciate it? I am trying to figure if this is what helped me be such a target for spaths.
Erin…I am back.
I had a rough day with my 15 yr old daughter. She is going through something…is not fitting in with her peers. She is highly gifted and socially doesn’t “fit in”. Anyway….having a sociopath for a father, who she invited into her life 2 yrs ago..only to have him ignore her (all 3 of my girls) again…was more damaging than not having at all. He just left the state to avoid having to pay support. Ugh…he is Textbook sociopath.
Ok…now to our situations with these devils in our lives.
My mother was an abusive sociopath. Sick woman. My father was a liar and more passive…but ignored us. They fought constantly and I also prayed that they would get divorced. But, back in the 60’s …noone was divorced. I loved going across the street to my best g/f’s house. Her mom was one of the few that was divorced and she raised 2 girls alone. It was SO peaceful in her house. It saved me to spend alot of time there.
So, my parents..damaged from THEIR messed up childhoods…messed up the 5 kids they had. Me, being # 2 daughter.
Ok…I was ordered by my doctor, during my second pregnancy to STAY AWAY from her. I almost lost my child because of the stress she caused me. Both of my parents are dead…Dad at 61, who I wasn’t talking to at the time and Mom, 67, who tried to battle cancer for 4 yrs. I live in the house she built …bought my siblings out.
(Its in foreclosure and I wonder if it would be better if I moved out…since it was HERS, and I have only bad memories of her..until the end..she had a stroke…and was a different person…normal. Makes you wonder about brain pathology!)
Anyway, we tend to attract our parents in our lives…esp the most domineering one. My xhusb monster looked EXACTLY like my mom…could be a son! More than my 2 brothers! How ironic. I married my mom. In fact ,the two of them used to gang up on me…
I wanted to end my life when they did. It was PAINFUL!!!
So, I do understand that I am “hard wired” to attract sociopaths. Thats why on Feb 27, I wanted to take my BRAIN out and “smash” it. I had a breakdown that nite..
This board SAVED me…Thank you DONNA..and all of the wonderful ANGELS on here that got me through that night.!!!
I’m going to post this to let you know I’m here…then I’ll write more..let me know if you are awake, Erin