Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
I’m here-I am staying up late cuz I don’t have to be at my stupid job until 10am tomorrow.
Hello again..
Anyway, I KNEW when I divorced my Xhusb that I might end up in a shelter with a 3,4,5 yr old. I DIDN”T care! I KNEW he would leave me penniless. He did. But, somehow, I got a teaching job in Feb…(guardian angels!!) and my Mom passed so I had some money to put down on a house..her house.
Ok..I divorced him because I wanted to break the MOLD..the pattern of abuse…so SAVE my children. And, as difficult as its been…and yes the girls suffer from him neglecting them financially and emotionally…I have raised my children 180 degrees opposite of what I grew up in!!!!
She made sure the house was spotless and beat us up daily if it wasn’t…well….I let the laundry sit on the floor in their rooms….lol..(Actually, all three do their own laundry!…)
My girls are always giggling..happy,…confident…and there’s NO yelling and FEAR in this house! AND….I am teaching them how NOT to trust people unless they EARN it…to sit back and observe and watch….and NEVER to let anyone in so fast!
These are skills that WE weren’t taught. And, I hope and pray that my girls will be confident and feel worthy of the BEST treatment by people..and learn how to set BOUNDARIES…something I am NOW learning…at age 52.
I am VERY immature emotionally. I look 37 and act 21 at times! But, its time for me to grow up. This last relationship that I just ended….taught me ALOT!!!! It actually made me stronger!!!
I am still in the early stages…and got 2 texts and a call this morning from the XS….but, I did not respond.
Been there…done that. He sucked me back in last October…with “I want to marry you” …then a month later said…”You know we can’t get married! you have kids!”
OMG….that time around didn’t last long. 3 months!
So, I look at it this way….I am a NEW person. I will NEVER be the same. One of my g/f’s called me today to meet. Its always at HER convenience on HER terms. I usually run. This morning…BOUNDARIES…I said…”NO, sorry….”
I’m at the point where I am VERY selective WHO I am letting into my life. I lost some familty and friends…after this…last time..and I DON”T FRIGGIN CARE!!!
Makes room for NEW friends..NEW opportunities.!!!
I’d rather be ALONE with a handful of friends than have all of these selfish users in my life. DONE DONE DONE
You really should get the Women Who Love Psychopaths book because it tells the whole biology and psychology of WHY we are attracted to them…WHY they like us…target us….WHY we get addicted to them…and have to detox from their abrupt exits…..
I am going to reread it. Even though the part about THEM got me upset…Its all true.
Hope I am helping you…
I know you are younger than me. I wish I was YOUR age when I learned about this stuff…it would have helped me so much. I would have left the Xhusb before I ended up pregnant…but, I guess it was meant for me to have my 3 girls…(thank God I have no boys!)
I LOVE my life alone with my girls….better than staying married to a lying cheating abusive F%ck!!! It was difficult..but Ifelt RELIEVED once he left…even if I had to get govt assistance for food! I used to drive around picking garbage for stuff people threw out..with all 3 babies sleeping in the old van he left me with….and then have yard sales on the weekend to make a few hundred bucks!!! How sad…but I did what I had to do. An MA teaching degree…and I’m picking garbage…..because he wouldn’t pay a dime…and made 200k a year in his business!!!! Sad!!!
But, until after we divorced and I settled into my new home..I found a website for divorcees and someone told me that he sounds like a Narcissist. I forgot that a professional told me he had no conscience!
I studied it and he fit it to the T!!! I then understood what I was dealing with.
Somehow…I got seriously involved …7 yrs later..(it flew with the girls…ice skating, piano, soccer….lessons…lol) with ANOTHER friggin Sociopath!!!
Funny, when I first saw my xhusb..i said to myself..”I’m going to marry that man!”
When I first saw my Xb/f…I said to my coworkers..”I’m going to marry that man!”
RED FRIGGIN FLAG!!! THat immediate “chemistry” was DANGEROUS!
Pretty much meant….”Hello abuser…I’m here to be abused”
So…I am doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to change my hardwiring. I HAVE to…
I learned to Meditate and loved it and I am finding new interests…going to take classes in yoga, buddism, meditation.
SO….I am setting my sites on the FUTURE!!! My goal is to change ME….
It IS possible. I have already set boundaries and lost people…I DO NOT CARE….
I NEVER want to be shocked, confused and depressed like I did this time around…AGAIN!!! NEVER
Erin….
Once you read about these monsters…and validate that you KNOW and ACCEPT that you were involved with a VERY disordered person…..and get over the anger at YOURSELF…for getting involved..(it filled a need you had at the time…)..then you will be able to leave the past BEHIND you and learn the lessons and take them FORWARD with you.
I know that I will NEVER feel so desperate again in my life…to have ANY shape or form of SATAN in my life.
When a thought enters my head about him..I FEEL the anger..and I acknowledge it….for him and for myself.
THEN I make a conscious effort to picture myself a year from now…with REAL good people in my life…and maybe a REAL relationship ….built on HONESTY.
So, DON”T beat yourself up. It was something that you needed to go through…maybe to trigger your early childhood feelings…to look at them…see how they affected you …and to HEAL from them and SELF ACUALIZE….to GROW UP and be ERIN …and to LOVE ERIN.
tobehappy: I just was reading something on another site about characteristics of sociopaths and narcissists and the overlap between them. My ex spath has all the attributes of both except I don’t know if there was any animal abuse. I know little about his childhood because he never wanted to talk about it. I know that both of his parents were bad alcoholics;they must have had a lot of money because he never had to lift a finger his whole life.
I think about what you said about your daughter being ignored by her father. My spaths wife told me things about him-some were true and others, I’m not sure. She had this intense questioning and wanted to know about our relationship. He has a 23 yo daughter. He always painted the picture that they were so close and that she was daddy’s little girl. The wife said that he was never around and ignored her most of the time.
He was always telling me everyday how he was totally in love with me and wanted to be with me forever and that he hated going home to her-that he HAD to. When she confronted him about us, he said that he only went to my house for sex and that he “did” me and couldn’t wait to leave afterward-that he felt disgust afterward. This was a man who was a faculty surgeon who was blowing off his duties at work to spend as much time with me as possible. He used to love to fall asleep in my arms for hours after we made love. Many times, he had to lie to her about working extra late cuz we fell asleep together and he didn’t want to leave.
They shared a kingsize bed at home. She told me that he was always as far to the otherside as possible because he didn’t want her touching him. He would get angry with her if she tried to get close. We shared only a double bed at my house and we would sleep for hours all tangled up with our arms and legs around each other-many times we stayed like that all night long without moving-except to go to the bathroom or get a drink. I don’t know how he juggled the different behaviors with the two of us for a year-especially without her suspecting.
This other article that I read about the Narcissists being lazy and irresponsible was like the author had met my ex. It talked about them being committee-holics and they liked to work in teams where others did all the work, and they took all the credit. He was always publishing papers with his co-workers and even if he only contributed one sentence-he wanted all the credit. His CV is so much longer than it should be. It’s insane how he would tell one massive set of lies to me to make me believe that he didn’t want HER, and tell another set to her, to make her believe that I meant nothing to him. All that lying wears me out and makes me exhausted. I would NEVER be able to keep up with that. He was very well practiced.
I am trying to transfer to another area in the hospital for the remainder of my time here. I work with two female evil bi$$$%% that seem to be spaths and it is making me violent. Plus, we have to work so much O.T. that I am with them constantly and it’s NOT doing me any good.
Erin…
For your own sanity, you NEED to get out of that workplace.
It will help you heal.
Its so shocking to realize that these “actors” could live double lives.
A g/f of mine was a few weeks away from marrying a man…and found out that he was STILL married! Not only that, he forgot to tell her that he was married twice before and was in prison for trying to kill one!!!!
And..he has a website and people post how much they LOVE him and he’s changed their lives…etc..
He is a therapist!!!!
Wow…sick world we live in. And, I can see people in my neighborhood…who are sick and their kids are ending up juveniles, abusers…et.c…
So, its never going to go away. There is good and there is evil ….in the world. Always will be.
So, we need to guard ourselves and our children. Watch Nancy Grace on t.v. Lots of sickos out there. There are telltale signs on how to recognize them from “Hello”.
We need programs to train children by 7th grade….we need to try to protect our children from getting involved with these “types”….so that we wont propogate the species with the bad “genes” and “upbringings” that create these monsters.
Maybe I’ll get my act together and get into the schools to do this one day.
I’m glad you are educating yourself about him. Whatever genes or childhood he had….HE is damaged goods. And you and I got sucked in because we weren’t aware of the phonies out there….
We are now!
2b
Your posts remind me of an old spiritual-
The chorus goes-
Lock the door
Keep out the Devil
Lock the door
Keep the Devil in the night
light the candle it will be alright
Your posts about the book really light a candle for me.
I guess I am getting the whole story- its interesting to read what you write about that book. I want to get a copy.
What is coming up for me is reprocessing all the old family stuff and yeah, there is a bunch of it. And a 15 year marriage to an N with a “self medicating” issue.
I have conversations with the man who isn’t here anymore when thoughts about him start to creep up on me (imaginary ones) I tell him what kind of an idiot would make the mess out of their life you made out of yours? If you were to tell me dirt was brown I’d have to double check it and I don’t have the time for that today!
This afternoon I went to the bookstore to look for that book and while I didn’t find it, I did come home with a copy of the Four Agreements because I gave the last one I had away. There is a good chapter on remaking your agreements with others in the later sections.
I was reading some of Kathleen Hawk’s articles here on the stages of healing and they are fantastic. One of the things she talked about is how converting anger is likened to the 12 step program and I bought a book about that with the idea of working through it. I have never known anyone who did who did not grow a lot of depth.
It seems like a good idea and I thought that I would approach it over the fears that I carried for a lot of years that allowed me to believe myself to be unloveable, not good enough and fearful of “disturbing the force”.
What opened the door for the man who isn’t here anymore is that I wanted him to come and be my confidence, my hero, my validator. And he was perfectly willing to step right on in under that premise.
Kind of like Taylor Swift’s song Romeo and Juliett “Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone”.
So I agree that when all the triggers get set off, there is that time when you kind of get set down on your derriere wonderin’ HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? And then the old stuff has to be reprocessed in a new way because from here, we have a wonderful opportunity to be wiser and sstronger than we were before.
Cuz none of us want EVER to go around this circle again. Ever.
There have to be new boundaries or agreements because everything has changed. Nothing in the world looks the same.
Its an experience that really shook my tree! But the point is to LET GO of him. And that is hard because its about letting go of the idea of him- and the idea of him was what I wanted, what I thought I got.
Now he is a stranger to me because I found out so much that he said which was NOT true nor even possible to be true. It is so weird.
But that is the way it is. I got fooled by somebody determined to do it. A pro. He used everything I am against me.
I am no less than I was because of that and at the end of this road, I will be wiser, and stronger. I will know things I didn’t know before.
And I will know some incredible people that I didn’t know before. All the upside is with me.
I was so angry yesterday I described myself as the gun turret on the Monitor just looking for somebody to shoot. That energy is really useful because it has so much horsepower in it. Anger will get you moving for sure.
And it becomes productive.
But it isn’t my story. My story is not that I became an angry woman, it is that I became stronger by overcoming adversity. I overcame it by seeking support and looking for information and doing my homework so I could effectively do the right thing.
And the values that stood me to overcoming were the HONOR CODE: NO LYING, NO CHEATING, NO STEALING.
Tonight while the last load is running in the dryer I think about the conversation I had the other day when in the middle of relating all the things HE said and did, it came to me that the bottom line is that someone who does those things just isn’t a good choice for a life partner because it would take the rest of my life to finish researching whether or not dirt is really brown.
And there really is more to life, and to me and to you and all of the the wiser stronger, deeper women here than that.
Silver….
My mother was a sociopath, abusive..etc. My older sister “couldn’t beat the monster..so she BECAME the monster”…it was genetic and environmental.
She abandoned her husband and two young children, when they were 3 and 5. The five yr old boy, at age 24, committed suicide when his g/f left him! Old abandonment issues surfaced and he was in too much pain! I blame it on my sister sociopath.
My other sister, who went on drugs at age 12, grew up to be a sociopath also…had a child out of wedlock at age 21…had suicide attempts….couldn’t be alone!….and has been on SSI…and has been a selfish, self centered monster, using men to pay her bills…then devaluing and discarding them..and has hurt ME over and over,….the magnet who tried to save her over and over…and then when I needed help with my own life, being alone with 3 kids…promised and promised and never came through.
Well, I have HAD it. I chased her out of my life over and over…and like a sociopath, she thinks she can wiggle her way back into my life…using pity….and then I took her back so many times….and she just disappears when she finds someone else to live off of!!!
So, I woke up this morning angry about all of these USERS. Angry that I’ve been a sucker for them…pitying them…and then having them hurt me all over.
AND, hurting my children too.
Funny, I was reading THE FOUR AGREEMENTS yesterday at the dentist office!
Yes, its time for me to get these leaches out of my life. I don’t bother with my older sociopath sister…she did a number on me after my Mom died. Long story….stole stuff from the house before the estate was settled.
My one older brother is a big CEO…was abusive to his wife and kids…and drinks EVERY nite to numb HIS pain.
My younger one is a selfish child who married a sociopath woman…”control freak” and he is on SSI too….”disabled” ..on all kinds of meds..etc…
So, this is what an ABUSIVE sociopath mother did. Created monsters…
And then theres ME…who has had self esteem issues…the only one who didn’t become a sociopathic liar…but, attracts them and gets used and hurt over and over in life.
At my age…I HAVE to start over and change…because the pain of letting these SATANS into my life…was destroying me.
I have set boundaries…and I will lose people in my life…that really haven’t been there for me anyway!
Its sink or swim now for me….
Going to counselling, reading,.and trying to find my way in the big bad world out there….that I never realized had so much EVIL in it.
I hope I can turn this around.
I haven’t labeled the family members yet. Would it suffice to say there was a lot of batshit craziness and yes, there is one person in an institution because she needs to be there. There have been interventions and divorces and every flavor of dysfunction in a catalog of it, but from where I stand today, so much like you do, is believing that if I can do the work that changes it for me, I might be able to change the dynamic by the tiimegrandchildren roll around and were I to live to see it, that would indeed be the great work of my life by HIS grace.
I do not doubt that you will achieve the difference you strive for and I salute your efforts and struggle.
In horsemandship there is an exercise called a pas de deux which is when two horses and riders move together side by side as a pair and that isn’t easy to do.
Neither is this.
Hats off to you. I’ll be right here.
That whole meeting scenario . . . “I got divorced this week.”
I remember when I was very young, the walking wounded after going through three really weird relationships in a row, I spotted a cute guy at a wedding reception where I was working as a server. His eyes kept following me around the room. I was so flattered! Eventually, a couple of other women drifted his way.
And as I was walking by, I heard him say to them: “I just got out of a four-year relationship.” Talk about the walking wounded! Like attracts like. Pathetic attracts pathetic. Vibe attracts vibe.
For the rest of the evening, I didn’t go anywhere near that guy. And trust me, he was hot. No way!