Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
so difficult…..I stuck n the habit of fixing things..I really am at a loss for words the manipulation has been going on for so long …she has me programed….brainwashed….I am very frickn weak right know…why do I still have the feelins that I have …for her…with all the things she has done wrong
I am sitting hear almost paralized…I need to be angry why am I not angry …why do we see thru these ploys but still feel I dont know what I am feeling…maybe I am angry…my whole body is like brick…paralized .is the only word I can think of…
Harmonyman-it’s good that you’re here. We can all feel your pain. Erin B is is 100% right about the no contact. Call the police if she continues to harrass you. Everything must be documented. Do not answer the phone or texts or anything. Save any texts or notes that she sends. We are all here for you.
harmonyman – i hear your panic. you are okay. take a couple of deep breaths, ok?
now take another.
know that whatever is going on, it is ALWAYS ABOUT THE SPATH. it’s not about your g.child, and NEVER WILL BE.
please follow erin’s advice re court orders. you must call the police EVERY TIME, starting now, this time. do not take her calls/texts. delete, delete, delete. do not look at the texts.
when she calls via others, hang up.
start with these hard and simple things. you will be okay.
take these actions. it’s the start.
you cannot fix her or this situation, you can begin to act in your own best interest, which i can assure you is the only thing that will hold your relationship together with your g.child.
welcome Harmony man – You are not alone in the way you feel. Ultimatley the final discard belongs to us. no contact is your only weapon and ultimate savaltion. a book i recommend is ‘meaning from madness’ by richard skerritt
Hman,
I’m not a psych doc or expert. I don’t know the answer but I do understand what you are feeling like because there are times like that for me.
I take it as a BIG clue from my subconcious mind that the thinking part of me is about to do something it ought to be thinking about differently because what its thinking about makes me feel very afraid and then, I seize up.
So, if you think someone is in harms way, call the cops or 911.
IF you need to talk, you can pretty much pour it all out here and in a while many who have stories and advice to share will come.
For me, taking a walk always helps me work through tough spots like that because it gets my body moving and my brain seems to handle the stress betterer when the old joints aren’t locked up. And sometimes, a cup of tea, a blankie and the corner of the couch with a sad song or corny chick flick are just the perfect place for a let it all out cry. I bet you have some things that work for you.
If there was a way to understand these things, theseevil ones perfectly, I am not sure that we humans are cut out to do it. Since there isn’t a perfect answer, what is the best one for YOU RIGHT NOW?
15 years of this .her 3 children (grown)really been the problem.(her oldest is n prision for the second time for Famliy violence act…middle son not to bad but never gave me any respect..until the last year and her youngest is the one I had a lot to do with in raise him to be a lot of what he is today…a doc in the GUARD ..he is in Afganistan doing third tour….very proud of him…when we married what a frickn joke…I was going thru the death of my first wife she had a stroke @....... 41..I met her @....... my cusins wedding…bless my moms heart she got together with her after she called my mom…mom told her everthing…he has a 7 1/2 year old son..hes got some money ..he needs a mom for his son..the redflags were going off my intuition….was telling me no..but I was depressed …I thought some how god brought her to me also..still drama all the time…the straw that broke the camels back…she stole from her employer ( very good friend of mine)has been charged with 30 counts of fidutiary theft…she is out on bond..and sez she doesnt care if she goes to jail…and doesnt think she should pay it back ..she has actually asked me to hold off on the divorce …so they wont get any of her divorce settlement !!!!I have not done so!!!
Thank you so very much…I am an old rockin roller still playing…that has been my biggest salvation…not true Gods been carrying me no doutb…but the music helps ( it is a gift from him)..to me there is nothing more satisfying than to look out from the stage and see people dancing talking laffing and enjoying what you are doing for them.
That sounds like a lot. Sounds like you had to abe a very strong partner. As wave after wave of nonsense broke over your familyyou had to stand firm like Jackson at the Stonewall.
Wow.
It sounds tough. These toxic relationships have in common leaving the folks on our side of the fence feeling pretty deflated.
Well, if you are divorcvingthere is always that time lag between you needing to make it happen and the legal system taking its time. Its enough to drive normal people over the edge and its hell if you have been in pain for 15 yeaRS ALREADY. i KNOW THAT FOR A FACT.
Only one thing you can do about the evil ones. Just say no. Go visit a friend if they are messin up your peace and harmony on the phone or see a movie. Walk away from it. You don’t have to play everytime they pull the string.
The divorce will come and you will be free.
On days like this, the most important thing is just to breathe. Just to BE HERE NOW.
Sounds like to me you figured it out and you are doing the right things. I found Kathleen Hawk’s articles on the recovery process really helpful. YOu may also. YOu can find them over on the left side of this site in read letters.
Hang in there,
harmonyman-keep going on with that divorce-let them take her settlement. They deserve everything they get-she is a predator and took advantage of your vulnerability after losing your wife-she is evil. They search for our weaknesses and then exploit them. We will all be here to support you on this. Everyone on here is in various stages of dealing with these sociopaths. Take some deep breaths. People on here were telling me the same thing this weekend when I was anxious.