Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
ltl – stapler 😉
i am really shook – fuckers. they are SUCH fuckers. don’t have the steam for anger yet…but even a little twinge is better than none.
the dad is a BIG gaslighter. he has done it to all the women in the builidng. sound familiar? fuckers. okay, another twinge of anger. good.
my place has never been safe since i moved in. i have had to endure – can’t deal with everything that is on my plate. this just upped the ante though and i am feeling this slime around the place. dark, yellow and fear rending. TRIGGERED.
i am going to give myself another 20 mins to really focus on this, and then i am going to focus on work.
One Step,
Take it slow, listen to the song, try to FEEL the song.
Dark humor is still humor! Its still good. If we can poke some fun at ourselves. BUT also give yourself credit where credit is due. Because you deserve it 🙂
Facing your fears is the hardest thing of all to do. And you are doing that today.
We are here, for you.
xxxxx
the thing is – it gets inside me. this kind of stuff. right now. i keep trying to find my psychic boundaries and they are pretty much not there. this is one of the reasons i was spath bait. i know that i am more than this. more than just a person to be abused.
and i have to not allow it.
i have to get to where you said ltl – i just say i took care of it – NOT let him control MY agenda.
we do not have to explain ourselves to abusive people. it is BEST that we don’t. that is such a huge shift for me in the best of moments, this is not a best moment.
One –
I got it.. Exfoliating…we all need to do that so regrowth and fresh new stronger thicker skin can make its way through!!
You cant feel dead skin! Its a good sign…. you are going through the process…20 minutes is perfect time limit…and then get into gear for your day of work!
you are also more AWARE of others, and triggers, and how you want to handle them…this is progress…this is – it just SUCKS going through it!
witty – you are so soft with me, always makes me cry – in a good way.
we posted over each other. facing fears – a lot of how i am dealing with abusive folks these days is NC – spath, sib, father, bully landlord. taking the time to deal with work and housing and coping with health. i have been doing that take care of myself thing.
okay – here’s the weird: i responded to a threat, and NOW feel like there will be retribution for it. and that is some of the questioning or judging or what ever it is that i am doing about this. in standing up for myself i have opened a door to more bullying and abuse. whooaaa, as true as it may be that more may come, that’s a nasty internalization
but, my life is riddled with that. N father is SO smooth with that, that i have barely noticed that he was doing it for YEARS.
i pray that this situaition will lend me some good, that it will move forward in some way, that there is enough good in the world that some of it will show up in this situaion. that i will look for the gift and act as if there is one.
ltl – more like chemical burn than exfoliation!
Ouch – One-step…. whatever it is …you are healing it. You are taking back YOUR control and you are healing it and growing new thicker skin.
“In standing up for myself you have opened a door to more bullying and abuse”
Yes – that is so the FEAR – the expected – the common theme… but it is also only possible if you let that door be opened.
The door cannot be opened – when you deal with it right then and there. Its a huge mountain to climb to stand up for yourself and then wonder what the ramifications might be — but you control that to a certain extent too. You are NOT going to let him bully you – you get to choose how you would like to handle it – tell him you took care of it … dont answer his call until you feel a bit stronger.
I really do see this as progress. Painful progress..
as long as it’s progress ltl, i’ll take it.
One Step,
It is natural that after you stood up for yourself you fear that it is not over…The retribution. But that awareness (alone) is the difference between now and before. And that in initself is moving forward. You are aware that he is going to try and bully you.
Your agenda is your agenda. His agenda is his agenda. You did what you had to do for you. And that is what you have to continue to do. Do what you need to do for you. Put yourself first. One day at a time. One step at a time.
Be kind and gentle with yourself. And look for that around you, today. Kind and gentle people. If you see that in someone today, take comfort in that.
ty witty. sniff.
‘Kind and gentle people. If you see that in someone today, take comfort in that. ‘ already have. 🙂 but will seek that out.
x one step