Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
morning all….I m n the process of getting going this am …feel pretty numb …and the tightening of my muscles as I type ….want this nightmare over with and really want joy and happiness…as usual for everyone…including myself…S had grnd child call trying one more time…gc left a message POPS I want to get in the hottub….now do u think she thought of that by herself..I could hear my soon 2bx whispering to her …god this is so unbelievable…any words of encouragement.thanks to everyone….I look back and we had nothing in common…I was seduced…damn!!!
onstep@atime….reread post u sent 2 TOBE….sounds like this is also what i am experiencing myself….will take some of your advice..thanks
Harmonyman,
I encourage you to take your phone off the hook today or turn off your recording device and let it ring. You need time away. She is using the child as bait – its a sick cycle – she knows how to push your buttons – and the unhealthiness of it all is that you could use the GC as an excuse to return. Simply because she is an innocent little girl being put in the middle. But if you dont respond or react, your ex will stop and you will be allowing the little girl to no longer be put in the middle. She will be ok.
You have to trust that you are doing the right thing for yourself. You certainly wouldnt be doing right by her to get involved with something that is not healthy for you.
I like that you share you are in the process of getting going this am…i have gone through numb days myself….but the point is to go through it…best you can. What can you add to your morning to bring all the stress down a notch… a trip to a coffee shop? playing some music? a visit to a friend? A brisk walk? What one thing can you do for yourself today to help ease the stress and numbness and pain.
Its ok to look back, its necessary… but look ahead…what do you see? What can you imagine? What would you like it to be? Thats how this nightmare will be over with and joy and happiness will unfold…what do you see happening? Both good and challenging? We can deal with it… but have to start to look in that direction too, as it will give you the strength to make the best choices now (even if painful) still the best in the long run.
Ok…made it through. Needed the meds today. Haven’t used any since April…only once. I only took one and it calmed me down …felt drunk at first. But, I was able to be calm enough to go to the appt. All turned out well…found out what my monthly income will be. Will be getting a check this week, thank God…I can get my car fixed.
I am going to get all of my paperwork in order today, clean up the kitchen, and my clothes.
This is what was stressing me out…not being able to get things done in the house…
Sometimes we do need a little med to help take the “edge” off. I believe that now.
I was always trying to do it with mind control and not take anything. But,thanks to you guys…I made it through the night last night. I am going to take baby steps today and try to get things done around the house to organize myself so that I can take care of my kids and relax.
Feeling better, thanks to you on here.
Dear Tobehappy,
Im sorry you are having to go through so much pain. I hope you are feeling better today. I know its not easy, but you are so very strong and YOU will get through this.
I must share with you what is coming to my mind. I want to embrace you and share the most comforting thoughts I can think of with you to help you get through this…and I intend to…but I must share some of the mommy in me with the mommy in you :))
I couldnt function when I was going through the worst of it. I couldnt eat, sleep, shower, or care for myself. But I had a friend say to me – thats ok for right now you need to shut down and regroup and you can even let your children see you cry and share with them that you are having a bad day or going through a difficult time and crying sometimes help you to feel better. BUT…SHE SHARED WITH ME THAT IT SHOULD END THERE. THAT NO MATTER WHAT I WAS EXPERIENCING THAT I MAKE A COMMITMENT TO MYSELF TO GET IT TOGETHER AS BEST AS POSSIBLE WHEN THE KIDS WERE HOME. It didnt mean lying or pretending it meant not sharing with them or burdening them with all the sorted adult details I was experiencing. I had to force myself to get to that bus stop each morning and each afternoon – I had to catch myself from wanting to tell them things I would otherwise be sharing with an adult — I had to remember they are not adults. They do not need to carry the burden of my pain and suffering. They can be aware Im having a rough time but beyond that she told me it would be really unhealthy for our kids to take on adult situations. So, as you cyber-friend, I want to encourage that from today forward you make sure your girls attend school on time and try to make your time with them about them – their days, their activities, etc. Its important for YOUR WELL BEING AND THEIRS. I say this with so much love and understanding as I too had days where my eldest didnt go to school or i was too tired to get everyone going. It doesnt make us terrbile mothers – but it is just something we have to make a commitment to – this one commitment – during this difficult time. Not bring our children into the throws of it. We have to rise above when they are home for them and for ourselves. I hope you receive this with the openness I received it from my girlfriend. I learned its ok for my kids to see me struggle, sad, and crying…but its not ok to allow them to deter from their normal routine with school, or to share with them as though they are adults. Once I made that one commitment to myself – I saw a change for the better in myself and my kids. So Im sharing that part of my journey with you.
It was the single most challenging part of my journey – going through a depression and raising my children. I failed for several months – I relied on friends and family – but then I made the commitment to do that one thing – and it helped – because my time with my kids HAD to be about other things, their days, their sports, etc..I had no choice but to take the focus off me during mornings and afterschool. I think it will be helpful to you ard your girls too… xoxoxo LTL
Hello Learned….and thank you for such valuable and important advice.
My girls have watched me struggle and get to the point where I break down and sob….and then they see me bounce back. This has been going on since 2002, and last night, when my youngest came into the kitchen and said…”pretty soon spring will be here mom and we will ride our bikes again”…WHY on earth I said…”yes, if I’m still here”. I didn’t really mean it seriously, but she broke down and cried. I took her to the l/r and hugged her and she cried and gave me encouragement and told me its ok…she was comforting me. As she was, I was telling myself…THIS IS WRONG. My older one came out of her room and said…”Mom, you have been down like this before and you always get through it…always!”
It comforted my little one. I told her…”Yes, I will…just having a bad night…tomorrow I will be ok.” We all just hung out with the dogs laying on us.
Everyone went to sleep. THe middle child…13 yrs old…was in her room sleeping.
I woke up this morning and my heart started palpitating and scared me. I went crazy trying to dig up the xanax I had filled in September….then I started cryin g again…I took one and in half an hour…I was able to drive the oldest to her school. Then I drove the little one to the bus stop. The middle one was tired from her play all weekend…and we got into the car…I was calm by now…and we stopped at the store for coffee and she didn’t want to eat or drink. She told me she doesn’t want to go in…she needs a day to sleep from the 6 shows she did all weekend. So, I took her to the office with me…the appt I had. We got through…all good there. They are sending me checks this week so I can get the car fixed.
She is sleeping now and I am going to start to clean up the paperwork all over and the dishes and the clothes that have to be folded. I am able to focus today.
THank God and thank you guys. And, I will do something special with them tonite….even if its just sit in the living room and help with homework and watch t.v. and smile. If I need another xanax..I will take one..its 3 a day…One is usually enough for me…and maybe one later on tonite.
You are SO right. I NEED to keep them going. Only a few more months of school and then we can spend the summer together…have a few yard sales…bike ride..go to the beach…take a bus to NYC…and live.
It was the whole deal with my sister and brother and sister in laws being at the shows. It brought it all back to me…how they didn’t help me over the last 8 yrs….AT ALL!
I have a few good girlfriends….and I am going to just stick with them and AVOID the family at all costs. Its too hurtful and I can’t fake it anymore.
At this point in my life…I don’t need them. My girls will finish school….get into college and my life can be really nice.
I want to get into my new hobbies/interests. ….gym, yoga, meditation, library…reading…bike riding ,….tennis with my girls….
And, I am putting the “family” of vipers, behind me. I am NOT going to obsess about them not being here for me. They are all messed up themselves…never did for thier children what I’ve done….their kids have lots of problems…drinking…not so good grades…and the socio’s daughter is living with an alcolholic who beats her up when he has rages…
My girls are all honors and into good things and are talented and I’ve actually done more with them than they ever did …all kinds of lessons…skating, piano, guitar, gymnastics….THey did nothing.
So, I am going to hold my head up high…and not let SATAN bring me down to thier level…and then beat me over the head.
THANK you for the VALUABLE advice. You are helping, not only ME…but 3 little girls….HUGS and appreciation
Tobehappy-
I was soooo hesitant to share what I had been through and the advice I was given during the most difficult time in my life. As it came from one of my closest friends and I knew she was not judging me or trying to make me feel more awful. As I was not doing so with you. She HELPED me to see things I was unable to see – she HELPED me to make just one commitment at a time to myself – during my darkest days. I had to draw the line with my kids – I had to stop the cycle – or least try. It wasnt easy, in fact its really hard to be living under the same roof and not just let it be present in every moment of my life. But for the sake of my kids (and ultimately myself) I had to make the choice to change that part of me.
I still let them see my emotions and that its perfectly ok and healthy to cry or feel down sometimes — but I no longer turn to them (my two daughters) as though they are adults. They sure can take on alot and I can learn so much from them — but I want them to have their childhood and the stress of teenage years takes enough toll on them as it is.
Your girls are so lucky to have you too! You definitely have many blessings and reasons to hold your head up HIGH!!!!!
It isnt easy to go through all that you are tho… take one day at a time girl, if you think therapy will be beneficial than look into that (it was hard for me) but it really helps SO many who are going through life altering times. It seems you are learning what your triggers are and will know soon enough how to avoid them or expect them and how to deal with them. Its such a damn process…but you will get through it! My turning point was finding LF, I was ready to deal with all the crap in my life, share about my past, (childhood and relationships) and learn and grow and get to a better place – you will too!!!! Im glad you are here! HUGS BACK TO YOU – and so much appreciation for understanding where I was coming from – a place of relating to where you are right now. xoxo LTL
Learned….
Please NEVER be afraid to hold back anything. You say everything with kindness and understanding. And, I NEED reminders constantly to keep afloat.
I break down and then I feel WORSE because I break down in front of them. THey are so sweet and innocent and don’t deserve this…their father ignoring them and not paying support doesn’t help. Poor kids…..they don’t deserve this.
One thing I’ve done is instill in them how NOT to have a baby for any man…and NOT to trust ANYONE unless they know them well…and how to spot a LIAR…..
They didn’t like my x b/f from “hello”. They never accepted his cold behavior….saying hello and walking past them to my b/f to watch football….UGH….I can’t believe I ever let him into my home. He did try to warm up with them later…because he didn’t want to lose his ‘good deal’ that he had with me…who only craved his love and attention…after not having a man in my life or house for 7 years!
I was better off….and this time, since my kids are older..I plan to do more for myself…to better myself…ALONE.
I don’t want any man in mylife…just good friends.
IN time, when I am healed…confident and happy, then I may let another man into my life….different rules this time around.
Thank you again! HUGS
Tobe, Have you ever considered anti-depressants…I took them for about 6 months, when I was in the deepest darkest place in my life, and they worked miracles for me. They don’t alter your consciousness, or make you feel high in any way….it takes a while to even feel a difference, but within a couple of weeks of taking them, I felt like I was becoming normal and healthy, again. I could get out of bed in the morning and have something to look forward to, my appetite returned, I started painting again. People even told me I looked different. It might be worth thinking about, and talking to your Dr. about, if you don’t think you’re coming out of it, after a reasonable amount of time. They sure helped me.
Dear LTL and tobe,
I’ve been reading posts. Both of you, and everyone have so much insight and wisdom to share here. I get so much out of reading others shared experiences It has been so therapeutic for me.
Tobe …I am sorry you are feeling that horrible pain and anxiety. You have been sooo positive in your new beginnings and endeavors. I LOVE your attitude! You are so KIND! For the most part you seem to be moving forward. We all slip back there, and NEED to sometimes. Maybe we have to process something.
LTL and Tobe, I cannot even begin to” go there ” since I do not have children. I am not a judging person. I just hope what I write is taken as posive reinforcement. What you are sharing with each other seems sooo helpful. Especially when we are not able to see the ” Big Picture ” due to our stress. We NEED the input of others.
Tobe, you are a GOOD person with only the Best of intentions for your children. They will know this, you are their Mother,mentor. AND, on a positve side, the children will learn from REAL (you are real) experience and be able to “draw on” the insight of this when they or their friends are in a “dark” place. They will “KNOW” that these are temporary yet valid and necessary feelings, due to circumstances (some beyond our control), and it will help them “work through” their experience, to get to better days, better times.
And this morning, I am so THANKFUL to LF for the education and helping me see more clearly and look ahead.
xxxo