Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
Yes…I’ve been prescribed them several times in the last 8 yrs…they don’t seem to do anything for me…A Dr. gave me the Xanax as needed. I only needed them once since last April…when I had to hunt down the xhusb for child support enforcement. Got the job done.
I am trying to get into things like meditation and yoga and vitamin b’s. Don’t know why, but I have alot of side effects from antidepressants. Lexapro put me into a coma for four days…celexa zoned me out…etc.
So, I am going to try taking the xanax as needed. It calmed me right down this morning.
Thanks for the suggestion. We’ll see how it goes now. My whole family is on something…diet pills..anti depressants,etc..
I always try the natural ways because they only seem to treat the symptoms. But, if I need to, I will see about it.
Its a shame that we have to go through such trauma in life…from people being cruel and uncaring.
I feel calmer now and as long as I can feel calm, I can do my dishes and laundry with panic attacks.
This last episode, yesterday and this morning…was all due to my sister’s abuse. She is one of the most cunning, lying, manipulative people I know. She admits to using men for sex and money. She has been disordered since age 13, and becaause she’s my sister..and played on me with the pity parties….I always helped save her life, get a life..take care of her child…UGH. When it was my turn to need her…she could give 2 sh%ts. She not only turned her back on me, but she caused MORE pain, knowing what I’m going through.
I will NEVER forget THIS time….and I just let her back into my life after many years….to get more pain.
She is NEVER going to be part of my life or my children’s lives again…and I have no interest in the rest of my “family” or any disordered people in my life anymore. NO MORE HURT…
Onto positive healthy people and making myself healthy.
The doormat days are over.
thank you…HUGS
A holistic alternative is SAM e which you can get over the counter in the vitamin section.
It takes about 10 days to get effect, but it works. Also Bcomplex because stress wears that down in your system.
Kim – In retrospect I kind of wish I gave antidepressants a try because I took the longest darkest road ever to get out of my funk- which I think could have been eased or more quickly reached via antidepressants. If ever I get so down and dark and depressed again, I do not wish to try getting through the depths of that again by myself. Although I did it, it clearly was too long of a road without any relief for a long time.
Angel4u – thank you and I feel the same way about LF…it offers so much and so many different things for all of us. As a parent its always a tough call to know whats best and we all have to do whats right for our own individual situations. I find it to be such a fine line about whats good and healthy for our kids and what might be too much for them at certain ages. I agree with you that being real and sticking to truth and reality is so valuable to them — but at the same time we have to remember they are not yet adults and it could be unhealthy to put that responsibility on them. A happy medium, or healthier balance for me is to just let them know Im having a bad day or an off day, or I even told them when I was experiencing depression and we talked about what it was — but I no longer “bring them on board” with me in detail as to my level of frustration or negativity about certain adult situations. I may say this didnt work for me so I made changes…or I was uncomfortable with the way so and so treated me so I chose to handle it this way. I just changed the way I verbalize or treat them or expose them to my adult life. It has allowed more time for me to speak to the child in them – as they are – and as they continue to grow and learn and be exposed in their own lives it will change Im sure..just such a fine line as to whats best for their own best interest too. I want to expose them to things but I dont want to continue the cycle of taking their childhood away from them completely.
On a side note, my little guy had a set back last night with vomiting again…we thought we were all clear..but Dr. thinks it was just too much solids for him too soon..Day 5! So toast and ginerale today. But he is belching alot, like more times than can imagine…I keep saying are you ok? oh my goodness are you ok? Youre burping so much..he gave a shrug and said “just have fun with it” as he lightly skipped away to his room. It struck me SO!!!!!!!! THE ATTITUDE!!!! THE VIEW!!!!!!! THE WAY TO DEAL WITH THINGS!!!! He was basically saying lighten up mom – it is what it is – and look Im ok! 🙂
LTL, kids can be such a breath of fresh air. Your son sounds adorable.
Wow…what a warm and understanding bunch of people on here. We ARE all angels…thats why the devils attacked us!
My aunt always told me since I was young….”the closer you get to God…the harder the devil tries to get you!”
This board convinced me of that!!! I never met such compassionate people! THank you,,..all of you.
I know that this board is called LF…it should be called LS…LIFE SAVER!!! lol
You know, I used to teach my girls to “feel” for people…and be good….etc…and they always hung out with the kids in school that other kids made fun of….tried to include them. Their teachers commended them on this.
But, Now I am teaching them, as they get older, and as I GROW UP….that they have to really get to know people before they trust them…and once a liar…always a liar…and to be strong and BE YOURSELF…..never let other people sway you.
When I think of how I acted with my X….I was like a scared little girl..in a regressed state….afraid of abandonment…feeling very early feelings from my childhood. I even said that my xhusb was my mother…and this recent xb/f reminded me of my father…who was a cheating liar.
So, maybe the next one will be a normal healthy man, UNLIKE either one of them. He WILL…because I will no longer act like a little girl afraid of abandonment, afraid of confrontation….
Well…watch out….I can be a B%tch now! lol
Angel…..THank you for seeing the good in me…even if only in cyberspace! Your post made me cry. I’m not even kidding. People always say I am “sweet” and a “good mother”…and its funny how you see this through my writing.
Thank you for the encouragement that “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”….I know, deep down, that if I make it through this..I can have a nice life….my girls are so talented…my house sounds like Julliard…daily! Piano, singing, guitar…etc..lol
KIM…..I am running to the store to get the vit b and SAM! thank you….HUGS
Learned….I hope your little guy gets better. My pediatrician always told me NOT EVEN WATER at first..it will come up!
So, bland is best …
And…thank you for the advice on how to get my girls through this. I picked up my baby today..(12 yr old) and she said…”Mom…A (the 15 yr old) was right…you’ll get over this and be happy again!” I was smiling when I saw her.
I told my children that I am no longer going to be nice to people who were cruel to me. I told them that if people don’t care and respect you, you avoid them. Don’t hate them…but just avoid them. THey have “problems”.
My little one said that anyone who doesn’t like a nice person like me is stupid. lol…
Well, life lessons ….Thanks to all of you…when I win the lottery…we will all be going on a cruise together…to the Greek islands….lol…my favorite place.
I’m not kidding. You are all saving my life. HUGS and LOVE
Oh, I am just looking on the good side. That “something good always comes of something bad”.
If you let the children in a little deeper than you meant to, then, hopefully, it will just be a little reminder how vulnerable they are, and, that they are not able or expected to process adult stuff. I didn’t mean at all that they are able to or need to be exposed to the big bad adult concerns.
Oh , I love childrens’ fresh sideways perspective. His positive attitude is going to help his body straighten up! I hope he feels better SOON!
Your home sounds wonderful, Tobe.
I am sooo wanting to get a guitar and learn to play.
Rock On!
Hello Angel….
I call my children angels. In fact its one of my screen names.
Theres so much online on how to learn to play guitar. My oldest is a “mozart” and you will probably see her in the future…she already sang for Regis ….she can play piano with her arms behind her back. She has a genius IQ…My second is Asperger’s …has ocd and germaphobia…and was a rough child..tantrums…..but i refused to medicate her and put her in special classes. She turned out to have a genius IQ, a “Sweetheart” according to everyone , including teachers…and is a math whiz and is 13, 5’8″ tall ….and can sing OPERA!!! Watch out Carnegie Hall…and the little one is also gifted and is a dancer, gymnast, singer…athlete.
So, God gave me three ANGELS to help ME in my life! lol
My mother used to say that they will take care of ME someday soon…..(of course she was calling me incompetent, no good mother, stupid, ugly…slob)
And in my divorce papers…my Xhusb called me a “slob” and took pictures of our “storage” room and said this was our living room….and he called dyfs (child protective services) on me..because we had an argument…and they said..Wow, you can eat off of this floor…this house looks like NO kids live here. Imagine that?
So, I had my mother and xhusb pick on me all of the time…they would gang up with me. Once I ran out of the house and told them…I’m going to kill myself…I was hysterical…then I went and picked up my girls and drove home.
So, too much abuse…too much letting these SATANS pick on me. ThIS is why I cannot handle anymore people in my life…especially my biologically f^cked up family.
I always asked my parents if I was adopted, when I was a kid. I KNEW I didn’t fit in….they were so evil.
My sister is the worst. She was in mental institutions, on drugs…and was a HORRIBLE parent to her daughter. And, she has the nerve to put ME down.
I am really planning to move about 30 miles north to a nice beach town where my g/f lives….and rent a house and be happier. I don’t even want to live in this town anymore. I’m sick of living in my mother’s house..where she actually died.
Its a nice house with a lakeview…but, I DON”T CARE….I have to leave. Its time. I will move closer to the ocean anyway. AND…closer to my friends up north …..I’m done.
TIME TO MOVE ON
It helps too to just get out and DO something.
I go to the grocery store daily and its amazing how just that outiinghelps to refresh my spirit by taking focus off all of it.
Work is great for that and I am getting more and more into it- but since I live alone and work from home, the breaks to come here and leave the work ongoing at this site have been the lifesave we all talk about.
I feel lucky that I am free to do it.
We will see what tomorrow brings- I found an EMDR therapist
and its not very expensive.
You are so right about that.
I get out everyday…running to pick up my kids…( I call my oldest “Paris” as in Hilton….I’m her private chaueffer)…lol
I do have “plans” for when I get out of this funk…hopefully soon….Go to gym…thrift store.(love the books)..ride my bike…(if I can with my legs) walks…
Hopefully if it stops raining ….and that big yellow ball in the sky shows up…. I might get motivated. lol
EMDR is so interesting. If you think of something that hurt you at the same time as listening to classical music…its supposed to help too.
I’ve been doing that in my car.
LOUD MUSIC is healing too
Any other suggestions????