Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
Donna – This is Learnthelesson. I have been unable to post the past few days. Im able to log in (altho a profile page appears as soon as I do) and most everything else is the same when I go to the blog page…it shows Im logged in, but for example I wrote to Harmonyman the other day and hit post button, but it never posted…I wrote to a few others and hit post each time and it never posted…since then Ive been doing periodic “test” posts but to no avail. I re-registered as “Learning” with my personal email account, so I could ask you to look into the account I would like to remain using : Learnthelesson. Thanks for looking into it. – LTL
Tobe-good morning!
Girl I am aggravated this morning-I got up two hours earlier than I had too-all because of my stupid coworkers. I had to renew the stickers for my license cuz they are expired. These people told me that I could not renew on-line cuz they were expired. Well guess what I just did on-line? All they did was charge me a $3 late fee. I was about to go wait in a three hour line for nothing. I don’t have to be to work until 10:00. Anyway-Happy St. Patricks Day.
I just heard your biggest red flag from your post. He said that he was seeing you and not your kids? No man should have ANY chance in the world with you who would say that. That is your reason to say by-bye to a man. These guys are so alike all across the board-it’s freakish. You girls should be learning enough from you and being with you that they won’t repeat the cycle.
I am glad you’re taking the sam E. I am all about natural supplements-not meds unless absolutely necessary. I just bought new multivitamins and immune support and I need to get more stuff. I need some B-12 and adaptogenic herbs for adrenal support. I am quitting the red bull drinking and went to green tea with blueberry. I am waiting for my insurance card so I can fill my flonase and go to the ENT and the dentist. I need a steroid shot bad.
I hate my s-path so much but I do miss the way he treated me in the first phase of our relationship. For awhile, he was not just words, but actions and he was so sweet to me. He took care of me just by doing little things that I appreciated. If another M.D. was mean to me, the next day that person would be apologizing and then would never be mean to me again.
For now we HAVE TO MAKE OURSELVES THE BEST WE CAN BE FOR US. I am all about taking care of me. I budget to go to the gun range twice a month and I am going to budget for massages twice a month as well-as long as I have to be at this job. As bad as I have been feeling these past two days, I am being strict with my diet now.
I said yesterday that it would be weird if HE walked back through my door because he would be a stranger to me- the person who left no longer exists to me.
Neither does the person I was.
I stuggle with letting go of the part of me that was happy.
The fall from Bouyant to bombed is long.
From the work I do, I learn more and more about what he connected to in me. And he did it handsomely. It has been long years since those needs and wants were met and no, not just sex- I could relate to One Step’s letter when she wrote about how her SPATH brough Magic- and it was all that. But it was a lie.
I can’t see his face or hear his voice, his smell and his things no longer in the house, his music silent. His phantom is gone from my place and my days. I don’t miss him. There is no him there is some man iun jail, but he is a stranger because none of the things the man who slept in my bed revealed were true and the things he was doing and hiding from me were false too.
What happens now that makes it tough to get out of bed, is reprocessing all the the crap that opened the door for him. I think the EMDR approach willl be very useful to accomplish that. It isn’t going to be easy some of it, but the end results, will be worth it.
I can hear a train in the distance sounding its horn as it rushes across the valley. Today, it reminds me of the one that hit me in the chest and knocked me flat when I began to discover what was true about one man. Today, I feel the weight of the 100 cars filled with frieght pulling through the tunnel I became because there is all the old stuff which grew from my early days until now. It humiliates and erodes just like it did then and I have to let that train keep going on through.
One day, I will become the engine.
Even if I wanted to, I don’t know how I could go back to him, its all gone -evaporated under the light of discovery.
SO, it seems all part of the process to go through the relationship with the SPATH, all the old family and historical stuff and then…..
Learned the lesson –
Your posts were stopped by the spam filter. Apparently one of your posts had a lot of web links, which is a flag for the filter. Spam often has a lot of links. I released your posts and made adjustments to the filter.
Hey Erin….
Yes, we need to take care of ourselves now. Its SO important to TAKE ACTION to help ourselves. I am finding it difficult to get things done…procrastinating until I HAVE to do things…but BABY STEPS…I get done what I need to do and I am giving myself a break to not have to be perfect under the circumstances that I’ve been through.
I try not to think of the “good” in the r/s and obviously there was “good” or I wouldn’t have continued the relationship.
The beginning was great too…gifts…getting upset at work when someone abused me…lots of attention and convincing that he really cared about me.
But, I look at it this way. I was his “new toy” and he was going to make sure he took care of his “supply”. He wanted me happy so that I could give HIM what HE needed.
Once he had me convinced that I could depend on him, he borrowed money, and used me. Its all a ploy. I don’t miss being manipulated. He wasn’t sincere. If he was…it would have persisted.
Right until the end…the day I told him I can’t continue being his g/f, and we could just be friends…he agreed and was going to come down to my house and pay some bills for me!
In HIS mind, he figured, “I’ll tell her that I’ll accept “only friends” and then I’ll suck her in again. I was right…because, even though I cancelled the date of him coming down to “pay some bill”…..he still texted me a sexual thing the next day!
So, in HIS mind, he figured it was worth a few hundred dollars to get me back into bed with him!!
I am SO wise to them. They don’t do anything unless without ulterior motives to GET something for THEMSELVES!
So, all the “lovebombing” and “caring” at the beginning…which WE think is sincere…is just a “plot” to get us hooked.
Maybe I SHOULD read the book he recommended and lives by…THE ART OF WAR!
Thanks Donna! Yes I did post links to Salmonsohns book and website. I was blown away at how well versed she was especially with her book Prince Harming. And I also posted links from LF that I thought would be helpful to Harmonyman…so that explains my LF lockdown 🙂 Good to know the filter is working tho!
Tobe-I am definitely going to read The Art of War. It’s on a big chekclist of books that I want to read. I am waiting on the books that I ordered first. I HAVE to fix the reasons that I am a target for them. It is as important as anything on my to do list. I just want to feel better first. I wish I could stay home today, but if I do I don’t get paid for it. I have already been out two sick days since Jan 1. I can’t breathe at all. I am going to try to go to the drugstore and help this problem. I will write to you when I get home this evening. Have a greatday and be strong. (big hugs)!!
Silver,
Wow! I don’t know how I missed your post this morning! What a post!!!
You know, I was just telling Erin, and my neighbor, that it isn’t HIM I miss at all. I really don’t want HIM…ever again in my life, not even as a friend! I couldn’t even sit in the car with him, one more time, when he wanted to come down and help me pay bills and talk!!!!
When he devalued “ME” and “our relationship” to the point that he decided to move back to “HIS” townshouse…(which the x g/f and him own together….and never admitted this..I had to find out on public records online!!!)…I decided at THAT point, that any man who could sleep with me for two years and still LIE to me about ANYTHING….is not a person I even want in MY LIFE!!!!
NO…No place for liars in my life!!!
I NEVER think of ANY good time I had with him. NONE were good, because DEEP DOWN, I NEVER trusted him…DEEP DOWN!!! I WANTED to the entire time…but something inside of me…DID NOT!!!!
THe entire two years …any GOOD feeling I had, was really based on a lie. At the time, I felt good, because I didn’t realize that it was ALL IN MY HEAD!!!
It was what I WANTED. I wanted a companion that cared about me as I cared about him. So, I saw it that way…but DEEP DOWN….and I am VERY perceptive…I KNEW all along that he was a sneaky f&ck.
In the beginning of the r/s…I RAN to him, played the subservient role …wanted him to know that I was crazy about him. He came on strong….so I was going along with it..believing it!
At the 3 month mark…I started “catching” him in lies…so I held back somewhat. He wanted to move in with me!!!
THANK GOD I PUT THE BRAKES ON THAT!!!
Then, I started to hold back and he called it “pushing him away”.
I didn’t put alot of effort into him at the 6 month mark. I wouldn’t put any energy into “trailing” him, when I knew he was lying. I sortof knew it wasn’t a “forever” relationship at this point.
I started to feel that I would just use HIM for whatever made ME happy….talking on the phone…sex…and I would take whatever I could get. He even said…”you give me too much freedom” I said…”whatever…i trust you”.
At the one year mark, when I caught him ‘tagging’ a woman…he got scared and apologized and denied his “INTENTION” and bought me gifts…started with the “I want to marry you” stuff again.
From THAT day on…my heart was pulling out of it. I KNEW he was a damn liar.
I tried to continue seeing him. He owed me money and I confronted him and his eyes opened WIDE (that look like he’s caught..deer in the headlite..lol)
From that “tagged” day in December to April….I never trusted him. By April…..I couldn’t fake it anymore…I told him it was OVER….after a year and a half.
I MEANT it…left my job with 3 kids to support!! I COULDN”T do it….the rest is history..NC for 3 months and then back for 3…then I kICKED THE PIECE OF SH*T LIAR TO THE CURB>
So, I didn’t have alot invested in him…BUT…the shock of sleeping with the enemy is what made me upset. THe “trainwreck”.
Well…I DO NOT think of ANY of the good times…good feelings….I HAD >>HAD…..Fantasy, is what I had.
Somehow, after seeing people in my group last night..stay with these LOSERS>..LIARS…..made me feel like ..
“2be, you have STREGTH and INTEGRITY and PRIDE..You
confronted him and when you saw the TRUTH..you GOT OUT!”
I then realized that it was not HIM I missed…it was having a companion.
If I met a really nice, NORMAL man right now..to go out with…spend time with…dinner , movies…I wouldn’t even THINK about my X and any feelings I ever had for him!!!
I want to better myself first, of course. But, there ARE zillions of people in this world…and I am NOT going to tell myself anymore….that I’ll never meet another man.
YES I WILL!!!! And, if HE came back with a million dollars and wanted to take me to the Greek Isles…I would slam the door on his face!!!
You know..my xhusb was really handsome…always had women blush when he walked into a room..sortof a mixture of Tom Cruise and Rob Lowe…
Guess what …?? He is UGLY to me now..he lost his looks anyway, with age..but even before…I wouldn’t let him TOUCH me at the “point of no return” when I shut down from the abuse….then it was time to divorce and we did.
This guy…could look at me with those puppy dog eyes…and now I see HORNS popping out of his head….lol!!
As a matter of fact, he was way beneath me in the looks area! He even wondered…(with his mistrusting nature) WHY I wasn’t with a “hotter” guy!!
People would ask me what on earth I am thinking? But, I didn’t judge him by his looks. To me, he was beautiful..
(A WOLF IN BEAUTIFUL SHEEPS CLOTHING!)
Anyway…do NOT think of the good feelings you had with him. WHen you do…picture the man of your dreams face on him!!!!
I’m getting over the whole thing…maybe its the Vitamin B, maybe its the SAMe vitamin….or maybe it was listening to these women last night….staying with such LOSERS!!
Maybe ..all of the above.
Gotta run to the bus to get my baby girls…..
TTYL HUGS
So much for running…had to call AAA …. flat tire! But, it prompted me..ms procrastinator to get them to tow the other car into the shop tomorrow! LOL
THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON>>>>
God works in weird ways….
Tobehappy-Hi girl. I hope you had a decent day today.