Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she fell for her so-called boyfriend’s lies, over and over.
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files — yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 — his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out. I forgave him.
December 05 — wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 — we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 — I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
Read more — Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes
March 06 — I forgive.
April 06 — He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 — He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel. I get suspicious, check AA airlines — he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 — Picks fight with me — I get suspicious — pretend I know that he is going away — find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip — it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip — the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later — I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times. In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 — We broke up.
July of 09 — He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply — when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him. l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
Learn more — Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 25, 2010.
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
ptsd,
Welcome to Lf…It is a wonderful place to come for support during the healing process.
Basically for most of us after a relationship with a toxic person ends we have alot of questions and we tend to fixate on the toxic individual, rather than ourselves in the begining.
Many of us are for a good while obsesed with trying to “figure it all out”. And then the next phase for most of us is to start asking the really hard questions about ourselves.
Why we were a “target” in the first place, why we ignored the red flags, why we stayed in the relationship.
Sounds like you are asking yourself some of these hard questions. Usually the answer will come to you after you do some personal soul searching and also read as many of the articles here as you can. Read Kathleen Hawks articles.
She covers many of the different stages of healing.
Some of what you read it might be to soon in the healing process to make much sense to you. And other articles will have exactly what you need to hear at be helpful to you right where you are at in the healing process. Knowledge is power and it is also helpful to know that you are not alone.
Intuition is interesting. We all have it. I often wonder if it isn’t something that involves processing our observations about people just a wee bit faster in the unconcious.
A lot of us as kids learned to read people and situations like dogs do-recognizing non berbal information because what was told and what was true didn’t always mathc and on going- it becomes a survival skill.
There is something to it. It manifests in many ways. So how is it that we saw good in these people who are such monsters? Well, we all want to be heppy. We all want to be loved and we all wanted to be in the stories they told us- at least in the begining.
So we used our processing to mislead ourselves until the evidence became overwhelming that it wasn’t going to work? Its all about understand which way the signs were pointing….
Intuition is vague most of the time and it bears following up on with reason. Intuition in audio, visual, sensing and dreaming isn’t exact. So we can know something has triggered our extra awareness, but the questions about what must be asked.
You never know intuition is right until after the fact.
So its a good thing to have but its not enough on its own even if its strong.
My intuition about the S/P was strong, but not fearful so I would say that I misinterpreted by not understanding it initially and by the time there were oddnesses and things that touched the fear nerve, then it was more difficult to do anything.
I think that to continue to be attracted to these people after we know what they are and how they work is because
1. It fulfills a self image/personal story as a victim
2. We thought we were happy there once
3. A great lover is not something to let go of lightly
4. We’d all like the story to turn around into a happy ending movie where the hero and heroine get to ride off into the sunset freed from shame, guilt of distress (see above).
Yeah, I get that strong woman thing a lot too. Well, I am. And I think part of why I got hit the way I did is that these nutballs like to come on strong and normal guys are a lot more timid.
I’m way beyond pretending to be shy, reticent and giggly to temper to somebody else’s fragile ego. That is so boring. I just have to weed a lot more carefully because there isn’t a huge population of potential matches for me to begin with- probrably less than 13% of the population and figure 5% of it maight be monsters.
Guess it seems to me, I couldn’t interpret my intuitions faster than he could lie or ensnare me and I was willing to go along with the story because I thought I was happy in it.
Then one day, I woke up. Wow. The world is the same but I sure see it differently- maybe my intuition learned something here too?
LTL:)xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx after being stressed up to the eyeballs about it all week…it happened with very little fuss and I am…I dont know…actually:Sx
Kiddo it going to his dads in about 10 mins until tomorrow… I think I might dance abut the house and tell it that I love it and that it’s mine and pass out watching pride and prejudice…BECAUSE I CAN!
Mwah..ha.ha.haaaaaa!:Dx
Rosie wrote: Like yourself I had been a single mum for a long time. My daughter was 12 when I met the police detective. A baby boy and a house later”I uncovered a lot of devastating betrayal and our relationship hung in the balance. His solution was to demand my absolute trust and not to go through his phone or his stuff anymore, in order for us to ’work’. “If you can’t trust me, then we have a real problem” he would say.
It was so eery reading your post Rosie. I too had been a single mom and my daughter was 10 when I met my exS. We bought a house, had a baby (with help of fertility drugs) and now I am left to be a single mom again. This was the hardest for me and I was feeling bad thinking I did not want to raise another child alone. He kept telling me he would take custody but I got it together and knew I didn’t want her to be raised by a S. My kids are now 17 and 3 and I always get that poor sigh from people when they hear the age gap.
I now shrug it off. I enjoy my kids and I wouldn’t change anything. Did you have a hard time being a single mom again?
I haven’t had time to go through everyone elses post but I will later. This is always so eye opening. Every time I start to feel like getting revenge I come here to get back to reality. The reality that NC is the best. I haven’t seen mine in almost 4 months. Hallelujah!!
Dear NIC!!!
Congratulations! NC for 4 months!!! GREAT!!! I’m so proud of you and the strides you have made since coming here!!! I hope your X continues to get further and further away from you and loses interest in you entirely! TOWANDA!!!! (((hugs)))) and God Bless.
Dear Nic
YES I had a VERY hard time dealing wit the fact I was going to be a single mum all over again!! That was the hardest thing. I had raised my teenage daughter on my own from day 1, although her dad started seeing her when she was 6 (long story).
So I went through a big phase of feeling extremely sorry for myself…being incredibly angry thinking “is it my lot in life to raise these arsehole’s kids while they go out chasing women?” But this was no reflection on how much I love my son.
This is another one of those thing people don’t understand unless they have been through it themselves.
Like yourself, the ex offered to raise him. Also he seemed to have relished the fact that I fell apart and sent my daughter to live with with my mother for a few weeks while I had a melt-down.
However this was months ago and I am pretty much back to my old self again, and LOVING being a mum again, even though I’m on my own.
My ex has indicated that he wants 50/50 shared care once he gets his coveted 9-5 job instead of working shifts. But I’m going to fight it, as I think my boys better off with me most of the time. I know when he has him its his daughters and girlfreind who do alot of the care anyway!
Thanks for responding to my post..I really hope to keep in touch with you and compare notes
Hello Everyone..
I’m so glad that I ended the sick relationship with the X. Its been a week. I’ve read and studied alot on here.
I have to say that I feel weak..no energy. And a bit apathetic. I feel like I just got off of a rollercoaster and I’m done for the day.
I don’t like feeling this way..not really excited about doing anything. A few days ago I did some checking out on dating sites …trying to find out more of his lies..but I actually made up my mind to let that whole part of my life go….and not look back.
I don’t know where I’m going. I am in transition with my house and financial situation…but I’m taking that one day at a time…
I just hope I can feel alive again and motivated. My kids have actually been cooking for me! I am forcing myself to just shower and get dressed.
I don’t feel depressed and sad. I feel like I just got a shock and that its over and I need a rest from the world.
Any suggestions on how to feel alive again?
2behappy you said
“Any suggestions on how to feel alive again?”
WOW. WOW. WOW. If this isnt the million dollar question, dont know what is! 🙂
This will not be the answer for one week post relationship. ( Although I do commend for you staying NC and committing to a healthier way of life. Its a journey, and its a process… What amazing kids you have! Shower and dressing is something I stopped doing when I was in the depths of it…so this is important to force yourself to do this…
But your question really struck me, hit me, popped out at me..for the first time ever… ok … hear it is…and its NOT meant to sound trite…its almost like an epiphany for me… ready….
WE ARE NOT DEAD. OMG you guys we are not dead! We are ALIVE!!! We are still alive. So if we want to feel alive again – why not just try to go for it? Why in the world does feeling alive have to equate to having a partner? Why dont we feel alive with or without someone – especially WITHOUT SOMEONE WHO IS AN ASSHOLE???? I know we have to go through healing process, and if we want to look at ourselves and our choices we can…but really whats stopping us from feeling alive????? We could go through hell and back – but make the choice to feel alive at any given time. So, I guess the question is what makes us feel alive??
Tell me anyone…if you would like to share… what makes you FEEL ALIVE….
other than when with a partner???
Going for walks, exercising
A good book
A day out with friends
Playing with your kids
Spring Cleaning
A glass of wine and appetizers
Purchasing fresh flowers
A new haircut
Getting dressed up/dressed down….
Im not joking — whats holding us back from dealing with all of this but feeling alive at same time — THEY DO IT – OR THEY PRETEND TO DO IT — WE CAN ACTUALLY DO IT AND ACTUALLY FEEL IT!!!!
GREAT QUESTION TOBEHAPPY!!!! To be or not to be that is the question 🙂 Its up to US
Dear GettingIt,
Sorry I missed seeing and responding to your posts, I have been in and out and not always reading all the posts if they are a few posts back. That happens sometimes on this blog.
I HEAR YOUR FRUSTRATION, and I am glad that you at least have the “upper hand” with the monster. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be to have him any where near your child!
Keep coming here and posting, I promise I will try my best not to overlook your posts again and will answer you. This is a caring place, but with it becoming a POPULAR as well as caring place, sometimes people’s comments do get over looked, but you are not unheard!
Hello and thank you…
I thought I was through the anger and grief stage..and maybe I am. But, I got into my car today and burst out in tears. I felt like I was a total loser! I wasn’t angry at HIM only, I was angry at MYSELF.
I know I’m not supposed to beat myself up, but I am.
I was crying for the little girl inside of me that was so abused since childhood. I was crying because I feel doomed to go on in this life feeling so unworthy and insecure and needy that I will let more people abuse me. I was crying because I really don’t see life the same anymore.
I feel like living is hell. Its not “challenges” and good and bad. Its a dangerous place where you have to have a wall around you or you will get hurt.
Now, isn’t this the way sociopaths think? Aren’t they mistrustful of everyone and everything? Don’t they NOT connect and love, because they are so hurt from thier childhood?
Am I becoming one? I am so confused. My sister had to come get me and take me to her house.
I cried and cried more than I have cried in 7 years! I was too numb to cry. Am I ever going to heal and feel alive again?
Will I ever get through this and forgive myself and go on?
Will I ever get my faith in “life” again? I’m not feeling too well tonight.