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By | May 6, 2010 73 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this letter from a reader who we’ll call “Abigail.”

I grew up very sheltered in an ultra-religious family; I had no knowledge whatsoever about deceitful liars. I should have because my also very innocent and trusting mother was misled by one man like that, who deceived her, promising her marriage, just to end up getting her pregnant (with me) and then leave her and us for good. My family, however, preferred to deal with this issue by keeping it as much secret as possible, so unfortunately I couldn’t learn from my mother’s mistakes.

I have been sheltered in a “glass box” all my life; my family tried to keep me away from inappropriate relationships and people. In the meantime, however, my family was also very unhealthy, being very respectable on the surface with many nasty buried skeletons beneath. I have been lonely, suffering from the emotionally abusive and hypocritical atmosphere at home, and the lack of father figure. My family was even jealous of my female friends.

I never had interest in boys my age. Somehow, I was always looking for a man I could look up on, almost like looking up at a father. Truthfully, grown men used to notice me, too, by the time I was 12-13 because of being naturally curvy on certain areas. I totally innocently flirted with them, looking for no sexual relationship but approval, acceptance and love above all.

My best friend’s uncle

I remember when I was 13, my best friend’s old uncle started to inappropriately touch me, trying to seduce me into sexual relationship privately at his own home, but being so naive and innocent about all sexual matters, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that I was enjoying the situation and felt thrilled about it some unknown pride crept into my life, where I felt I finally had the ability to gain affection from people.

Thankfully my family discovered it before it was too late and that put and end to it, including my friendship with my best friend. I don’t even know how I managed to avoid exploiting sexual relationships through my high school years, but actually loving to study and excel at school might have had something to do with it.

Sorry for the long intro I wanted to explain what background I am coming from.

Mr. Charmer

I was still a “kid” at heart at age 20, longing for a “Dad” to look up to, when I met Mr. Charmer, completely coincidentally. The attraction was mutual and immediately overpowering. He was all I have ever fantasised about: tall, dark, handsome, masculine, enchanting with the eyes and voice of a snake charmer mesmerizing from head to toe. I was hooked. He was very affectionate, extremely romantic and caring and I was in heaven.

He didn’t live very close to me, so in between being able to meet, we kept in touch online/over the phone. It felt like we hit it off right away and he seemed like everything I’d ever hoped for. I told him very early on that I was a virgin and I wanted to stay that way until I met that special someone who will be my husband. I thought I must have sounded like a weirdo for him, but much to my surprise, he was extremely relieved about it, and voiced admiration about my strong morals in this crazy world.

I knew he had many girlfriends before (with his Greek god-like looks, I wasn’t surprised at all, plus I always found experienced men “thrilling,” so I didn’t care) but he made it very clear that he was tired of girls that play with his emotions and he’d been disappointed a lot. All he wanted was a serious relationship with me, who was a very good and faithful person with a touch of wildness in my heart. He admired my looks, too, and seemingly everything about me. He was a great listener and a great support when I felt I needed his sympathy and “protection” when things went bad at home or I felt insecure. All said and done, I adored him. I idolized him. He seemed to really enjoy it which I noticed, but gave him excuses for being a little vain who wouldn’t be with his inner and outer qualities, after all?

Mask starts to slip

Months after meeting, and after lots of romantic talks and intense romantic involvement, we started to talk about marriage. It was like a dream come true. I was walking on clouds and so was he, seemingly. Unfortunately, at this point I started to have some serious doubts and nagging questions about him. I don’t know when the “mask” started to crack, perhaps when I first started to discover (and experience) his extreme mood swings. Then he started to be less affectionate and more demeaning. He even started to lie and when he was called out on that, somehow it turned out to be my fault.

He claimed how much stress I caused to him, and how hurt he was that I didn’t trust him while he was so loved by everyone else; I didn’t even deserve him. He started to criticize me and “naturally” I never questioned the validity of his words. He was experienced, I clearly wasn’t I believed he knew much better, he must have been right, after all, I was so young compared to him (he was 10 years older).

Begging myself to leave

Nevertheless, my bad gut feeling started to grow by the day. I often felt so hurt, so heartbroken and lonely. I remember writing in my journal about him practically begging myself to wake up from this dream that was about to turn into a nightmare.Ӭ Yet every single time when I started to feel strongly about running from him, he charmed himself back to my heart. I often chose to close my eyes and turn the other way, since I was really afraid to lose him and the emotional investment, engagement and so forth.

I also learnt to be afraid of him by then, not that he ever hurt me physically, but his anger outbursts and our arguments were extremely exhausting and I wanted to avoid them at all costs. I knew I wasn’t perfect (he let me know over and over in case I’d forgotten) and I thought to myself: “Well, he’s not perfect either, after all, but just as much as he sticks with me even though I am imperfect, so will I.” I am a very faithful person and I always took pride in that.

Now he wants sex

In the meantime, somehow, he lost his appreciation for my virginity. He now became demeaning about it, and he heavily worked on me to give in to have sex before we got married. He achieved it by a lot of erotic talk and I have to admit I was really not immune to this at all. I was bouncing over the walls from the (sexual) frustration by then, and the pressure and fear of letting him down and making him angry with me. I needed to prove to him that I was able to keep him and satisfy his needs, because I am “good enough of a woman” for him. So I gave in.

On that special day I found him to be a little too ADHD and hyper, but I thought it was just excitement on his end. He seemed to “burst at seams” with an almost unnatural excitement, he was grabbing me, suddenly pushing me up against his car in public, circling around me like a lion that’s about to eat its prey, staring at me with predatory eyes, licking his lips it was unnatural. It was a turn-on too, of course, to experience such a wild and demanding and overpowering and sizzling masculinity, all directed at me. But it still made me feel very uncomfortable. I even started to wonder if this was such a good idea, and I contemplated telling him, somehow, to wait, but I couldn’t work up the courage for that.

No affection or love

Once in his room, Mr. Charmer was gone. I didn’t notice it right away it was a very exciting and “sacred” moment for me, and I didn’t think of anything bad right away when he started to “make me” please him in all kinds of ways. It felt degrading and without love, so I got a little confused and eventually, scared he had no affection, love or gentleness for me at all.

After me pleasing him for a while, he immediately wanted to have sex, which I tried to stop, realizing that this is just too much for me, being extremely confused and hurt because I felt all of a sudden as if he didn’t care for me romantically at all. ”¨I stopped him and he withdrew, became extremely cold, emotionless, and his anger started to build up. I was scared. I tried to calm him with hugs and kisses, tried to explain that this is not what we talked about, but he told me to make up my mind to decide what I want, if I want him at all or not. I tried to explain that I did want him, but this was not how it was planned, so much without love and gentleness.

Brutal and animalistic

Well, he made up his mind that we would have sex anyway. I will spare you from the details of this torturous, horrible experience. Multiple times I asked him to stop; he didn’t care, he did it anyway. It was as brutal and animalistic and unbearably painful as anyone can imagine. He would also make me do things to him for his pleasure, and he didn’t take “no” for an answer. He didn’t look at me or touch me, he was lost in his own world where he dominated and he was the best lover, probably, because after he was done he asked me if it was indeed great and what I liked best.

I wanted to vomit. I was frozen, emotionless, torn apart physically and emotionally, in an extreme amount of pain with severe bleeding. I felt like a slave with “her master.” Reality became surreal and I flat out didn’t even know who I was anymore.”¨ This torture went on for the whole weekend. I had the “physical” ability to leave him, since he never locked/bonded me, but I did not have the emotional/spiritual ability to leave, if that makes sense at all.

I still “loved” him, I was extremely hurt and scared, I had nowhere to go really (not physically but emotionally ”¦ he was my everything and now that this idol was torn, I really felt like there was nowhere else in the world where I could go anyway.) I immediately felt extremely bonded to him physically, even though this made me nauseated. (I knew nothing of betrayal/traumatic bonding back then.) I realized by then that this is all that he wanted from me, and all his love was fake. He even told me that he’d teach me how to please a man, because I was young and I needed to have fun and skills. Yet I still believed somewhere inside that if I was willing and obedient, then somehow I could regain his love for me.

Dumped and isolated

All said and done, after these tragic days/nights, it didn’t take long for him to dump me. Better to say, he really didn’t dump me, he just stopped talking to me. I had to provoke it and kept calling him, etc. to try to make sense of all that has happened, to try to come to terms. I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to. In a sick way, I couldn’t imagine that I could ever live without him. My religious beliefs also made me feel very guilty; I felt dirty, shameless and like a “slut.” Some of my also religious friends (once they figured out that I had sex with him) also treated me that way, so I became completely isolated. This isolation made me feel bonded with him even more, because of what we’d shared in the past. and because of the physical connection that was a very strong bonding power for me, despite of the torturous and brutal nature of it.

After a month or so of such a weird “relationship,” he decided to not to pick up the phone anymore, nor answer back, throwing me into a hysterical crying fit for days. I begged him to return, even though deep inside, I wanted him to be gone as if he never existed. But I couldn’t live without him and the “security” that he represented to me.

Lonely burden

I don’t remember those weeks afterwards; it was all a blur. I have no idea how I survived, especially that I haven’t told anybody about this at all. I was so lonely, so extremely lonely with this burden to bear alone, while having to try to pretend that all is well in my world. We had one final talk about a month later, where I tried to be civil (so did he) but it turned into a nasty argument immediately when I tried to call him out on all that happened. He claimed nothing happened and he did nothing to me that I didn’t want, and if I ever tried to find him or talk about it, he’d kill me. He also called me dirty wh*re and it was like a final punch on my heart. I was now “dead.”

How many months passed when I tried to repress, forget, pretend that I was okay, hide the real reason why we broke up, and so forth ”¦ I don’t know. The human mind is awesome. Half a year later, I really believed that I was all better, despite the nightmares about being chased and raped, panic attacks and so forth.

Thought I recovered

Years passed, I finally never even thought of him and I thought I recovered fully. I got married (to my “real” prince who is an amazing, wonderful, supportive man), had a family, lived happily. Of course I’ve always experienced problems (nightmares, panic attacks, snapping at people, all kinds of aches and pains, unexplained fears, depression, lack of true enjoyment of sex) but despite of all of that I was still very happy because I was very much loved and safe and appreciated.

A major traumatic event the past few months, however, triggered a complete outbreak of reliving my memories for first time in my life. My husband who only knew a little bit about all that happened finally heard what truly happened and I am working on opening up more and more. Details flood my mind, and some days it feels like I am going crazy.

The most twisted and sickening detail my unnatural, nauseating “bonding” to this man finally came up, and I was able to admit that this trauma didn’t go away at all just because I hid it. I was scared of it, feeling extremely dirty — until finally I got my hands on some reading material (Women Who Love Psychopaths, etc.) and it dawned on me finally what was going on.

Psychopath narcissist

He was the perfect example of a psychopath narcissist, such a frighteningly perfect example. As much as it was a relief to finally understand that what happened wasn’t my fault and failure as a woman, it became unbearable for another reason. For so many years I believed that I must have meant something to him, even if he was a jerk, he still must have loved me at some point. The realization that I was nothing but narcissistic supply, an object to use and throw away that is ripped another hole in my chest.

My feelings were so true to him, and that was the only thing that made me feel better for years. I was not a slut; I loved him! But how could I love him if I didn’t even know who he was? I will never have an explanation, an apology, or any type of closure! He betrayed me on such a level, not only physically but more so emotionally and spiritually, given that he was my everything and I trusted him with my very life as if he was my father and he used me and threw me away, walked away without a second thought, just like my father left me.

A new chapter

I have major trust issues. My husband does not deserve for me not to trust him and rely on him because he is awesome, and now he suffers too. My relationship with God suffered a lot because I even lost my trust in Him to some extent. I don’t have a lot of friends and I can count on one hand how many people I trust. Yet I have a hard time trying to not to be naive and not proving my “worth” to everyone. I get depressed and hurt when people don’t see me for who I really am, even if I don’t let them close so they can get to know me at all.

It’s a new chapter of my life now. After 10 years I am finally starting to deal with the aftermath. It’s going to be hard and I realize it won’t go from one day to another. I now have hope that it will get better, because I am now not afraid to take a good look at what happened and admit that I was a victim of emotional and physical rape and violence. To experience it from somebody whom I trusted and loved so much is devastating. To realize that I am not alone, that there are many of us suffering from the aftermath of psychopaths, is very redeeming, however tragic it is. Next step will be counseling. Being able to open up and talk to strangers is a good first step to practice so I don’t chicken out talking to somebody in person!!


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Ox Drover

Dear Abigail,

Welcome to LoveFraud, I’m glad you are here. Sorry that you have had to suffer alone for the past 10 years, but also glad that you now have a loving relationship with a good man. You are NOT alone though, and there are people here who have also suffered pain from these stalkers of the4 SOUL as well as body!

Again, welcome, glad you are here and glad that you trusted us enough to share your story with us. (((hugs)))) and God bless you.

Buttons

{{{Abigail}}} Thank you for your courage to share your terrifying and heartwrenching experiences. Brightest blessings to you on your healing path.

silvermoon

Abigail.

your story and insight shares an overwhelming clarity to me.
it has been tough on us both, but believing and working on bringing our inside and outside selves into one being who is present and active in life will be a result to which such souls as ours persevere toward.

I admire your courage and your truthfulness, No doubt you speak of that which resonates deeply with many and in that, there is a gift of healing from you to us all.

Thank you.

ErinBrock

Abigail:
Thank you for having the great courage to share your journey with us.
You wrote with such emotion and feeling, I felt right there with you……
Your journey took me back to when my spath husband took my virginity…..and the constant fight to keep it, as I was not ready…..but didn’t want to lose him…..
I lasted 28 years with that mindset…..until I couldn’t get him gone fast enough and so many other lives have been hurt!

It is a long healing process, and it’s wonderful you have found a loving ‘prince’ to hold you through this painful process…..

Your awareness is key to your healing…..
IT”S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

Never ‘own’ what others commit.

Welcome to LF, and thank you for sharing with us a painful part of your life…..you will find much support here and connection with others.

Good luck….and remain strong!!!

XXOO
EB

Aeylah

Abigail,

You’ve made the first big step in the healling process…and that is that you sought the truth of what you experienced for so long….you took the painful shielding mask off to reveal and understand the sad heartbreaking reality that you suffered in hiding for so long, witih emotional and sexual abusive people that you trusted.

You have tremendous courage and dignity!… and obviously you’ve had it for some time to have been able to meet and marry a good honest loving man that you can help you and walk along with you in the healing journey. Be patient in your journey with yourself and your husband…..may blessings to you…..

thank you for sharing,
Aeylah

flowerpower

Abigail,
Welcome. So many parts of your story resonate with my story but sadly being discarded is one cause of our collective pain. Despite the horrible pain it caused to “lose” him, I do need to say that I am thankful he did not hang on and marry you.

In my case, I was physically discarded once, we restored our relationship, married, then “emotionally” discarded for years. He enjoyed using me then as a “cover” for being a family man. Instead he was a serial cheater and at home abuser.

I look back and see that his exploitation ( and we all victims of the gaslighting, fear tactics) had beaten me down so much that I accepted the emotional discard…did not think I could leave…who would want me?

Years into it, the damage is horrible but of course we look to the better side. I have my children, I learned some valuable lessons about myself and others to teach them.

Stay strong, look for the good from this, do not condemn yourself and you will find peace eventually. I have trust issues but see we must have strong expectations for behavior (make sure the words match) and run if we see inconsistencies.

It is a big wake up call to learn these monsters exist. But always better to know the enemy. Masqueraders, frauds and charmers are always too good to be true..cause they are neither good nor true.

peggywhoever

“Abigail”:

I can relate to your story, and your feelings of bonding with your first love and your first sexual experience. Emotions and feelings of the heart are not always logical (regarding your connectedness to him even though he was abusive). It may be something akin to the Stockholm syndrome because in a sense you were his emotional captive. I also understand you may have bonded more closely since you had a difficult situation at home and were naturally seeking love, kindness and affection.

It may be possible that you are just now discovering “who” (what?) the sociopath really is because it is now that you are strong enough to dissect and process the information. I believe this will become an incredible journey for you in your quest for knowledge, understanding, and that you will grow in ways that you cannot now foresee. I am thankful that you have a loving husband and he will walk this road with you.

Time is your friend. And I believe you will trust your husband, you will make many new friends, but most importantly…you will learn to believe…and trust…in YOU.

Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever

Heartsick

“Abigail”:

I sympathize with your situation. My ordeal started 5 years ago, the last 3 with us being just friends. I found that just being friends with these type of people is just as bad, so consider it luck he took off and didnt contact you again. I was at wits end with mine, could never figure it out. All this time when I thought it was me, I ran into this site and discovered it was never me…it was him and the disease, neither of which me or anyone else is ever going to be able to cure. I believe there are so many in this “lost” situation and have no idea that this disease even exists. I, personally, am thankful to run into all the information on these pages, or I would still be sitting here feeling like the disrespected lowlife he made me feel like in the end. I listen to a lot of music. I think I found a perfect song to those who are in this situation. I think this song portraits exactly how we all feel until we smarten up. I still have my up and down moments over the ordeal, but the more I stay here and read, the better I get. In my up moments I actually visualize that if he ever does contact me again and ask what I’m doing, I’ll tell him I’m doing an extended study on sociopaths and was just wondering if I could use him for a test subject. LOL.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/714138385

SurvivedTheBite

So many of the stories are similar, but I can relate to yours the best. He sounds just like my ex, so much so that I had to wonder if you were in MI or WI 10 years ago when it happened. But I know that there are a lot of men like this..

I finally gained the courage to leave him last Independence Day. It wasn’t the first time but since he would never really let me go I actually had to move to another state to get away. When I came back months later to empty out out my storage unit, he raped me. He did this knowing I was celibate and wanted to wait until my next husband. What a sicko. He had a new girlfriend, I didn’t report the rape or tell anyone–he got away with it and I was filled with shame. I truly wanted to die.

The next time I went to that state, he tried reaching me repeatedly by phone (he still paid for my phone line and was able to track me). We spoke once and he said that he wanted to say our goodbyes properly. I told him that we already said our goodbyes and I never wanted to see him again. This made him want me all the more, calling and texting the whole time I was in town. I ignored all his calls and when I was on the plane to leave I sent him one last text telling him he could disconnect my phone. At that moment I took out the battery and never put it back in again.

kindheart48

Dear Abigail, thank you for your story as i identify so much with most of what you went through and even to this day i still don’t want to admit that the s/n has no feelings towards me at all. I have a girl i’ve known for years through AA and she is close to death only 42 because of a socio who has emotionally and physically abused her and she went back out drinking. I also befriended a detective (and need to step away) as i see so clearly , like looking in the mirror that these two people show all the same confusion and torture that i went through. I was just rem when the s first came to my house , first time i really talked to him , he had just dumped a wife 20 years younger, and him telling me that he could be a nightmare. Yes he told me flat out , but i thought oh he just has a little temper , and i was intrigued and naive and gullible too. 7 years later and all i have to say for it is i now know there is really evil on earth , it’s a daily struggle like the booze to not have contact but im struggling more with being codependent and wanting to help others in the same boat, but then i don’t work on me. I’ve distracted myself pretty much all through my sobriety by focusing on others who are suffering but im seeing how it has kept me from growing. The trauma they instill is uncomprehensible as i don’t think we will ever be the same people we were before the encounter. I do see today that i am better than i was, and only by looking at the detective who is behind me so to speak, he is completely numb and still stuck on focusing what a narcissist is , i can’t save him from it but i sure see myself in him. I don’t know but sometimes i feel as if i should have a degree in physicology after all the research, experience etc. I still havent’ pinpointed what it was that i was getting out of going back other than maybe my ego couldn’t take the fact that he didn’t appreciate me for my good qualities. I do know the he sees them , mostly from others telling him, but he just doesn’t give a shit. I look at the woman he is with now and i see her as a shell, no sense of being, as i know he makes everything about him so she doen’t really exist even in my mind because i know she is just along for the ride. Funny how we have to see in others what we truly cannot see in ourselves. The longer i stay away, the less he becomes but i also know , that could change with just one call, like just one drink. I was so glad to read in your story that you found a wonderful man as it gives me hope and yes like you i have trust issues that i wonder if i will ever overcome. I had them to begin with and the s just magnified them tenfold. Thanks for posting your story, as painful as it is to relive it all you are helping someone else. love kindheart

jeannie812

He locked eyes with you, with that piercing stare. That is the predator stare.

He was a wonderful listener. He sat back and let you tell him your vulnerabilities.

You were a virgin and religious. He found the extreme challenge, and exploitation.

I am so glad that you got into a good relationship. Most of us are damaged goods where all we attract is more sociopaths for the rest of our life.

Your husband sounds like a good man. I hope he doesn’t let that man soil you for life. You were an innocent sheltered woman. He took advantage. I hope your husband sees that.

Jeannie

erin1972

Abigail-it was good for you to come here. Your story really triggered some things in me. I too, had the same feelings about sex, virginity, and marriage and my virginity was also TAKEN from me without my permission. That is a horrible thing and it took SO long to get over it. Sometimes I feel like it will follow me forever-even though I rarely think about it now. The guy I was with was 11 years older. I started dating him because I felt sorry for him-big mistake. He was widowed young because his wife died and left him with two young boys. This guy was the son of a minister. His father even warned me about his parasitic behavior but I didn’t listen. I wanted to help him and thought I could change him. I felt sorry for his boys-that’s how he hooked me. Little did I know that he was my first sociopath.

The man you described though reminded me of my most recent ex who dumped me a year ago and destroyed my world. This guy was sweet to me and went Mr Hyde in the end cuz he snapped. The attraction that we had reminded me of the guy you were with. We were so in love and had SO much chemistry. He was my first orgasm of my life at age 36. The first guy who took my virginity had a lot to do with that I think. Prior to my love, Alan, I was afraid of a lot of things having to do with sex. He showed me that it can be wonderful and fun and 50 other other words like that. I miss that but know that he is disordered. He is dishonest and he built up my self-esteem so high and then dropped it to lower than low in an instant.

Wow-that is a heart breaking thing that happened to you. All of us here though can relate. I hope you stick around and read and post because good people are here and they’ve helped me a lot. ((hugs to you))

Overcoming

Dear Abilgail,

How much of your story remindes me mine. The guilty I felt of not being good enough. They do what is called “brainwash”. Unfortunately we believed we did something wrong. Even my ex boyfriend’s mother said: “you must have done something for him to leave you like this”. And I believed that. How could a person, who said that loved you and wanted to have a family with you, all of a sudden dump you and exchange you for someone else, saying that he did it because you deserved that? Our brain thinks logically, and we come to the conclusion that he is right! I felt exactly the same way you did! Although I knew that situation was not good to me, feeling he was not acting right and suffering because of his actions, I couldn’t leave him, and beared what no other people could bear for a day. People wondered how could I bear such humiliation, cause at some point I knew I was being cheated on, but, as you said, thought I “couldn’t live without him”. You said he gave you security and, since he was older, it felt like he was the “father” you never had. You found an explanation for being involved with this guy and the need he filled in you. I try to understand why I was involved and could bear so many things, I wonder why I did not leave him. As you said, I had a “delusion” and closed my eyes, cause I wanted what I created to be true, even thought I knew that didn’t feel right. And just as you, after 2 years I still remember, and it’s difficult to trust people, my boyfriend is very patient to me, and I try to be calm but I get very insecure and anxious with the idea of him cheating on me, althought he gave me all proves it’s not his intention. When I told him what happened , the weekend after I couldn’t stop thinking of everything bad that happened, and I felt like I was experiencing all those things again. It took some time for that feeling to go away. This a trauma and I also wonder whether we have to avoid those memories or try to work on them to understand in order to forget and forgive. Forgive him and forgive us for having failed, cause we are humans, and we trusted these people and and believed peolple could be as realiable as us. But, just as you, God gave us a wonderfull man to make it up for, and they deserve the best of us.
I wish you all the best!

luv716

A comment that was said touch my soul:
“Most of us are damaged goods where all we attract is more sociopaths for the rest of our life.”
I wonder how true is this statement because that all I’ve been meeting is guys with socopathic tedencies.
Sadly, I’m damage goods the sp did such a job on me, everytime I meet someone and it don’t work out I’m wondering is it me, I never had these thoughts of myself in the past until him.
Recently, A guy I’ve grew up with came back to town to take care of his sick father, his father passed he been here since Jan 2010, We got together first week of April 2010 have not seen each other in 20yrs, real good conversation, good connection, he stated he relationship ready, he want to be in love and in a healthy relationship. Ok, I will to try my words exactly.
We went out on our first date April 20th his birthday, I took him out for drinks we had a nice time, he was very affectionate the kisses was nice but the dude wanted to sleep together that night!!!!
No time getting to know me, no time getting to see if he even like the person that I’ve became remember we havent seen each other in 20yrs. He swore that if we slept together he would not leave we would be together.
Since that night we have not been out on anymore dates he makes dates and don’t keep them, he dont return calls or reply to texts, I cant help but wonder if I slept with him would he still be attentive.
My heart is so open to real love but I’m so cautious I hope I don’t lose out on a good one because of me being damage goods!

Ox Drover

Dear LUV,

QUOTE: “I can’t help wonder if I slept with him would he be attentive”

While you may have “known”him 20 years ago he is not the same person he was 20 years ago, and his INSISTENCE on sleeping with you the first time you were together again, actually as strangers, and him not coming around or keeping dates again, ONLY MEANS HE WAS ONLY LOOKING FOR SEX. That was ALL he was looking for.

No man/woman who is really looking for a “relationship” jumps into bed with the first person the first day they meet them. Sure, that may occasionally happen that two people meet and have sex the same day and end up in a good relationship but it is few and far between. Most times it is instead “bam, bam, thank you mam” and off the guy goes, looking for another sexual adventure with another woman.

Men (or women) who are ONLY interested in partners who “put out” quickly are not looking for anything except sex.

You won’ this round because he showed you what he was REALLY after. What he was ONLY after.

I like you quote too about “He swore that if we slept together he would not leave we would be together” LOL ROTFLMAO WHAT A LIE!!!!!!

KatyDid

Dearest Abigail.
This is simple. Time to Tell the truth. Call it what it is. RAPE. Name what happened. You were RAPED. Brutally. Callously. RAPED. Physically, emotionally, mentally. You were targeted and “groomed” just as pedophiles groom their prey. You were PREYED upon, and RAPED. The trauma continues b/c you’ve tried to bury it. The TRUTH will set you free. Find a rape trauma counsellor and shine the light of truth on it. Clearly you are taking responsibility for HIS CRIME OF RAPE. That makes as much sense as blaming children for allowing a pedophile priest to rape them. If your trauma counselor can not provide relief from the very first session, try a different one. Good trauma counselors are hard to find. Don’t give up. It is not just for you. Your children need your recovery just as much as you do. While you are interviewing trauma counsellors, a little homework is a book, “the Betrayal Bond”. It is time to stop serving a life sentence for a crime someone else committed. Time to free yourself from this burden. I wish you were my daughter. I’d find you and embrace you in a mothers comfort. Since I can’t, please, do the same for yourself.

Betty

Dear Abigail,

I could not understand the strong and devastating pull and unwelcome connections I felt, even after years of moving on with my life, to people who had caused me great pain. I even believed for years that it had to be my fault (lots of guilt, fear, and pain).

Then a regular poster here on LF (it was either Matt or OxDrover) mentioned the book “The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships” by Patrick J. Carnes. In a nutshell, Carnes explains how incredibly strong the bonds formed under traumatic circumstances are, and how they can last for years (think soldiers in combat) BUT here’s the scary part: they form and last even when one of the people is the one causing the trauma!

It’s not crazy; it’s a survival mechanism, and it’s buried so deeply, that we’re not aware of it in our conscious minds. That’s why it’s so freeing to learn about what it is and how it works.

I bought a used copy of Carnes’ book for only a few dollars on Amazon, and started looking closely at the kind of relationships I had: two traumatic marriages, and then my friendships, and finally an encounter with a narcissist that brought me to my knees. This quiet examination of myself, and of how I’d been a very naive woman which set me up as perfect prey for predators, entirely changed my life. For the first time, I felt free from my past — and able to trust myself to slowly form new relationships, starting with how I treat myself.

I’m telling you about this book because it was pivotal in the healing my life, and I hope it might be useful to you. Whatever you do — and there are lots of great resources available, especially this incredible site — and I wish you the very best.

Betty

jeannie812

I agree with Katydid,

That man was very similar to a rapist. He coerced you into it.

After rereading the posts I was reminded of my son’s dad. He told me of a relationship he had before he met me.

He met a woman at church. (He was a church goer that uses religion to his advantage.) He said she was a virgin.

He said he wanted to marry her. But, what he told me said he really wanted to soil her virginity.

I’m sure he would have married her, but would have brought home other women to share her bed.

He totally lacked impulse control. I saw his hands tremble while we were at the beach and he was excited by two young females sunbathing. They were laying by the garbage can cause the beach was crowded. He picked up all the garbage in site to throw it away one piece at a time. He wanted a closer look at the young females. He was so ridiculous that I loudly pointed out garbage for him to throw away. He did it! He really ran for the scraps of garbage!

I found in our relationship that he was working on bringing other women into it. I found an earring on carpet one morning. He gave me the crabs on another day. He would hold me captive audience while he checked out other women. At work he would leave his dirty lunch dishes with me so he could run off to play with the newly hired young females.

So what were his intentions with that virgin? He just wanted to “skip” to the head of the line and get there first.

That is what he did with me. I was still married when I met him. It took almost 2 1/2 years for my divorce court. (which was totally ridiculous) No, I didn’t wait 2 1/2 years before I met someone. What I didn’t realize it was the sociopath ready and willing to be first in line. A normal man wouldn’t want a married women, doesn’t matter that it is out of her control that the divorce took 2 1/2 years to finalize, a normal man would have ran from that.

I do believe your situation was rape. It was against everything you believe. You were coerced.

Jeannie

survivorlady

Dear Abigail,
When I married my sociopath, I was also a virgin. I belonged to a very catholic family who took marriage seriously and so did I. When I met him I had just ended a relationship with a normal man, it had not worked out but he was normal. Now I know that compared to my now once husband. I met my socio and immediatly fell in love. He was divorced with 4 kids. He had come into our province from another province and had left his previous life behind. He told me he had been deeply hurt by his vicious ex-wife. He told me all the things she did and how he was so hurt from her cheating. I beleived him because there was no reason not to. He was affectionate towards me, treated me like a queen, how could someone hurt him ? I still had a few red flags here and there, but I was deeply involved in my new family life that I thought it was all in my head. He treated my parents very well, respected our religion and my father thought the world of him. When our daughter was born he was very attentive and helped me in every aspect. I went back to work and tried to help him financially because I wanted to allevaite his burden. He paid child support to his first family and I made sure of it, but he was always broke. I wondered why he did not communicate with his previous children as much as possible, he told me there mother had put things in their head about him, and all they wanted was money, they never showed any respect. I knew some of it was possibily not true, but I put it aside. Although I always pressed him to see his kids and perhaps book a flight to go see them. His children were now adults. He never wanted to go for different reasons. When they came into the city, he would go to see them, but never offer to take me with him. I did not understand why he wanted to keep me away. Now I know why, he wanted at some point after leaving me to reconcile with them, telling them that it was me who did not want him to see them, because that is exactly what is happening now, these kids think it was me who kept him away from them. I was the bad second wife, and he is crying crocodile tears to them, asking for forgiveness, and they beleive him, and are thinking the world of him, he is now getting “supply” from them again. Can you beleive it ? Using his kids again….playing with their heart for his own gratification.
We are now in the process of divorce, he discarded me when i tried to find out what he was doing with his money, found out some pretty strange things and asked him about it. He suddenly turned in another man. I can pretty well tell you to the date when the mask slipped. He was discovered. The story is long but I can tell you that he had planned his departure in advance and had a women ready, she was 30 years old and 4 young kids, he is 52. We now have 2 kids, one is almost 14 and 18, he has not contacted them in over 1 year, discarded them also because he wanted them to live with him and they refusded after they both saw the violence and anger he displayed towards me, he totally disrepected and hurt me emotionally and physcially. My kids are kind and very much like me, they refused to be with him. He picked up and left and is now living with his new mate and kids. He is not supporting my kids in anything, its a legal struggle all the time. My kids have grown to hate him only because he is devaluing them constantly by his behavior. My mission is to love them both forever and I pray that they will overcome the hate inside of them. I know deep in my heart that it is not me, the only reason he stayed with my for 20 years is because I was a good wife, lenient, supportive, and always was taught that the mother must keep the family together for the sake of the children. I thought his love was true towards me and the kids, I did not realize that it was always false. That to me is the hardest thing, to accept the fact that he never loved me like I loved him. I still love the illusion, but its only an illusion. My kids have a tought time, but becasue of my supportive family and friends,t they have love and support. I have also gone for family councilling mostly for my kids to stay safe and to understand that emotional abuse as well as physcial is wrong and should not be tolerated. The courts need to understand that having a father is important, but then again, if this father is violent and abusive, what kind of role model is he to them ? My kids have made their own decision based on what they saw and for this I am thankful, my ex made his own bed. Good will prevail against evil. So my story is quite sad because the inside turmoil is still there, I do not know when I will heal. I am not ready for another relationship right now, I am too busy getting my kids life back in order , showing them that stabiltiy can be found without him, and life goes on. I need for them to know that I will never abbandon them no matter what, they are an extention of my heart walking around, and I will protect them as much as I can. He was an evil man who preyed on my goodness and my familiy. It is so hard to fathom that these people exist, it is the devil incarnate. However I consider myself lucky, he left on his accord and I am able to raise my kids to the best I can. They have feelings, and emotions, and they cry, this tells me that they are not like him.
There is life after a sociopath, we are much more aware of evil and definatly distrusting, but I think it will change. My own father and mother are the best, so they make me think that there are good people out there. I did not do anything wrong, and at first could not understand what had happened, but after careful research and this blog, its much clearier and I am much more focused. My heart is torn in half, and it will eventually mend together, but the scar will always be there.
There are times when I burst into tears, and am on an emotional rollercoaster but I stop and think of how fortunate I am and how it could have been much worse, and it lessens the hurt.
Take care Abigail and never lose hope, life does get better.
Peace

neveragain

“Abagail” , been there, done that. I fell into the same sort of trap when I was much older and wiser. That wish to please, to be approved, runs very deep in some of us. It took me about 40 years of adult life to get over that, so you are way ahead of me! Thank goodness your eyes were opened so early. It hurts horribly I know, but you will come out of this a MUCH stronger person and you will be able to prevent this kind of exploitation from ever happening again with a man, a boss, your relatives, girlfriends, a minister…anyone! You will learn great self-defense techniques.

I think two of the most powerful defenses are 1) being aware of red flags and paying attention to your gut when anything makes you go “huh!?? What’s going on here?” and 2) knowing your vulnerabilities so you can protect yourself from someone exploiting your vulnerabilities. We all have them! Mine was the same as yours….wanting approval so badly.

And the cure of course is to believe in YOURSELF….know your STRENGTHS and focus on them. No way will you ever become a narcissist! So don’t worry about that. But keep complimenting yourself so you don’t need to hear validation from anyone else.

The Emotional Rape Syndrome is a great book if you have not already read it and another is The Betrayal Bond….you definitely had that going against you, as did I. I’m glad you have found out about betrayal bonds. It explains a lot!

Best wishes to you….sounds like you are on the right path to healing!

neveragain

survivorlady- I’m so sorry for everything you have gone through. Your kids are very lucky to have you!

pilgrimage

There were many small red flags in the beginning of the relationship with the ex p but the one torture/brainwashing technique/big red flag that I keep going over and over in my head was the initiation into the “silent treatment” that was executed so perfectly by the p.

We had been dating for about seven months with me spending all my available free time with him, talking on the phone daily and being head over heels in love.During this time my youngest daughter said something to him that he felt showed disrespect and attitude, and I guess I didn’t see it as he did or punish her in the way he thought I should have. I am guessing this because I never really knew for sure because after that incident he stopped all communication. He would not answer my calls, emails or IM’s. This devastated me. I couldn’t eat, sleep or concentrate on anything. I tried for a week to get him to talk to me. I felt crazy, embarrassed and shamed. I just couldn’t understand how he could just erase me like that and not do the decent thing to at least tell me what is wrong or break up with me…anything. Two more weeks went by w/o me trying to contact him and him still giving me the silent treatment.

This part is what I keep beating myself up for. Three weeks into the silent treatment I reverted back to teenager mentality of sorts and had a friend of mine call him since he would not talk to me. He talked to her and told her I could call him later that evening (oh boy lucky me). He asked me to come over and of course I did. The first thing he said to me was ‘you lost weight’ and I know he could see how devastated I was and I swear he had a smirk on his face like he was happy and amused at my pain. At the time I didn’t believe anyone could be that cruel and dismissed the smirk as my imagination. He told me the reason he stopped talking to me was because I was too jealous. I remember this not making much sense to me but figured maybe I was acting too possessive of him. Anyway I didn’t ask him to get back together with me because all I wanted to know then was why he was doing this. With that smirk still on his face he hugged me and promised never to give me the silent treatment again. I took him back or in reality he took me back..

I just keep thinking if I had just left it alone and never tried to contact him after the silent treatment (we were together four yrs after that) I wouldn’t be suffering so much now. His promise was true in that he never did the silent treatment to me again until he left for good. And NC was easy and effortless for him. The minute he said he was moving out I became non-existent. Often I think maybe it is me that is the P and that is why he is using the NC rule.

super chic

pilgrimage, no, no, no! You are not the P!!! He knew exactly what he was doing… and he made it look like it was your fault! Classic! We were like addicts, take away the drug and we became desperate for our “fix”. Well, we’re not like that anymore because we finally got our heads out of the fog and figured out that not everybody is like us, there are crazy – evil people out there!!! Keep reading, we have to have boundaries, and we have to be strong, we have to get up everyday and put on our armor and meet the day head on. I keep thinking the “what if’s” also, and it is getting me nowhere fast! I can’t wait for the day when I don’t think about him at all!

pilgrimage

shabbychic

In many ways I feel worse off since he left as I feel frozen in time and unable to get through this. I feel as though I have become a P through osmosis or whatever because now I have no friends or a job and no true way to stop being so self absorbed.

super chic

pilgrimage, believe me, I know how you feel. I am also unemployed and no friends! I stopped calling my so called friends, because they never follow through and want to go do anything, or even call me! I do have a sister and brother nearby, I see them about once a week.

You have to believe in your heart that this will all pass! It will! You may “feel” worse off, but you are better off, so am I, so is everyone here on LF that has escaped the clutches of these predators.

I just got back from forcing myself to go to the local mall and walk around. I actually do volunteer work once or twice a week, something I’ve never done before. Maybe you’ve missed a lot of my posts… which is me usually complaining about being alone!!! I don’t know where you live, but there is a website called meetup.com … I belong to a couple of the groups here where I live, I joined the women only groups, they go on hikes, go to a movie, etc. Lately I haven’t been going… but I am going to force myself to go! I can’t sit in this house the rest of my life, it is making me sick, and we are going to get jobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pilgrimage

shabbychic

I know your words are true and very kind to give me hope. I have thought about volunteering mainly as a way to step outside of myself and help someone else. Lately it is all I can do to leave the house to even go to the store. And yes we will get jobs…hopefully sooner than later. I have heard about meetup.com but like you I would have to force/make myself go and I guess that would not be such a bad thing.

It has been at least nine months since the p left and I just feel I should be further along in the healing process instead of getting worse.

Ox Drover

Pilgrimage and chic,

Yes, the “silent treatment”—passive/aggressive IS AGRESSIVE, keep that in mind. My egg donor used the “silent treatment” as punishment for me from the time I left home until I went NC with her.

NC is the ONLY protection we can have and is a VALID self preservation technique.

Volunteer work is great! I encourage you to do as much of that as you can until you get a job. Depression is one of the things that makes us “hole up”—-BTW Chic, NO “FRIENDS” is an IMPROVEMENT over the ones I had! No lie on that!!!!

Actually I think I am pretty great company and I like being with ME! Hang in there gals, it does get better! (((hugs))))

hens

Shabby Licious, I think I have you beat on the subject of complaining about being alone. I have a pretty full life but all the same I am always lonely or more about wishing I had one soneone special to share my not so exciting full life with. But I have stepped back for awhile. I have been workin on my picker, and I am ok alone if that one special somebody never appears. I think you should find some new friends, specially female friend’s. Somebody to eat out with, go to movies etc. I have a few female friends that I occasionally do that with. I think there are more lonely people in the world than happily ever after together couples. So here we are for now, alone but so what, better to have loved and lost than to spend the rest of our lives with a sighco.

And I am going to prove Ox Woman wrong – there is somebody out there for me – I just aint ready yet….

ErinBrock

“I have been workin on my picker, and I am ok alone”

YIKES….I read the above sentence way too fast and thought hens was talken about the pecker….

Sleep deprivation…..
Okay….i’ll shut up now…..
🙂

ErinBrock

Whew!

Ox Drover

EB, did anyone ever tell you that you are a DIRTY OLD WOMAN? LOL ROTFLMAO

Henry, darling, I hope you are right for ALL of us! And who knows, you may very well be, but I KNOW ONE THING IF NOTHING ELSE, I will never again have a P as a roommate/companion/lover/spouse/friend again!!!!!

My PICKER works just FINE! First red flag and these fat legs can run like there are TWO big bears behind me, and I really don’t have to out run the bear, just out run YOU!!!!

ErinBrock

Pilgrimage:
Hang in there……As Forrest Gump said…..”lonely is as lonely does’……
🙂 Or something like that!

If we do lonely things….we are gonna be lonely…..Trust me….no one is barging down my door to get in. (okay…well all the teenagers,but they ain’t here to see mamma)
If we force ourselves to go into public….it’s catching….eventually.
I always feel better getting out, and when I drive back into my garage, I think…..gee why don’t I do that more often!

Shake it up…..and get your butt out of that house and SMILE, you’ll be surprised at how many peeps smile right on back to ya!!!

ErinBrock

Picker/pecker…..peter/piper…..

Oxy Moxy….the only dirt that’s on me these days is from dragging that damn metal detector around my yard!!!
🙂

Ox Drover

Well, I found out that son D will be coming home Monday night or Tuesday so I gotta get a few things done around here. I’ve been enjoying being by myself for a while and being totally selfish (and lazy)–eating strange meals and so on! New Potatoes and frozen green peas with white sauce on them….yum!

The only person I have to boss me around lately is the dogs and the psychopathic cat! Like Gem said canine “in-ter-itis” open the door, close the door, open the door, close the door….UGH! So whose the boss around here anyway!!!

A few years ago after my husband died, Son D worked on an independent film as staff and was gone for 8 months in a row, and the first 4 months I rattled around like a BB in a boxcar, then the last 4 months it was kinda cool cause I got used to it6.

I realized that it was the first time since I had left home that I had actually not had a roommate, a husband, or husband and kids, or kids living with me. I had literally almost never LIVED ALONE. There had been times when my husband was working out of town for months at a time, but he “lived” with me—-so it was an adjustment. But now after a day or two I don’t have that “missing” feeling when D is gone.

When I was in Texas a month though, he said he really was “alone” and kept the TV or radio on for company and wandered about the house and I guess really he’s never lived “alone” either—either here, with his bio-folks, roommate, Girl friend, or SOMEONE or in a scout camp tent situation….but he’s actually almost the best roommate I’ve ever had, we get alone great, don’t get in each other’s space and enjoy each other’s company as well. Don’t bitch at each other, share the chores well, and work and play well together.

Our arrangement gives each of us space and allows us to each do the things we want to that if we lived separately neither of us could AFFORD to do. So I think really is he moved out permanently I’d get some sort of room mate to replace him or I’d move into a MUCH SMALLER place or the RV.

hens

My dachshund ‘crickit’ has an obsession with tennis balls, fetches em, sleeps with em, carries one with her on walks. And never stops wanting me to throw it. Most times when I am on the puter I am throwing the tennis ball for her. Sometimes it goes down the hall and under a chest of drawers and she runs back in a panic barking at me to go get it for her. Well the ball has been going under that dresser dang near everytime I throw it in that direction..so I got curious and tip toed down the hall and she is pushing it under the chest of drawers with her feet and nose and then running to back to get me.. I think she is telling me to get off my ass and play with her..just thot i would share that..

pilgrimage

Hi oxy and yes “depression” is a big part of making us “hole up” along with fear etc. And Erin being out in public is more lonely than being at home. Smiling at folks is nice and getting one in return is nice as well like you said but at this point I find little comfort in either. Maybe down the road I will feel better and happy to be out in the general public.

Ox Drover

I absolutely agree with you and understand that feeling. Just being at Wal Mart in a crowd of people doesn’t give you much “comfort”—in fact, I used to see older couples and get JEALOUS of them having each other.

But having a conversation with people you do care about, even if it is over the phone is a good way to raise your spirits.

I still don’t “like” big cities, and have lived in some of the world’s large cities, I have lived in the boondocks with the nearest house over 1/4 of a mile away and not in sight either that the sounds of car doors, dogs barking and radios and TVs kind of makes me “antsy.” As much as I am gregarious and enjoy talking to people and being with people I don’t like “concentrated” closed in crowds, pushing and shoving. I went to a Tennis match once in Dallas that had huge crowds (for those days) and I almost felt phobic in the crowds. And that was years ago!

I got to where I didn’t want to answer the voice mail or even listen to them…so didn’t for several years. I figured if they really wanted to talk to me they’d call back. Not sure why I felt that way, but hey, it’s OKAY IF I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO IT. So who is to tell me I HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT?

So do what is comforting, non stressing for YOU! It is OK!

Ox Drover

Henry, the dog is smarter than you are! LOL Since son D has been gone HIS psychopathic cat has been crawling up in my lap and demanding to be petted some. I think she finally gave up on him coming home and decided if she was going to be petted it was ME or NO ONE! Yea, your dog has you trained! Mine has me trained! Funny about those things isn’t it! So who is training who? LOL

hens

yep, thats what brought us here Ox, we are easy to train. gotta work on that.

witsend

Hi hens!

silvermoon

Cats and dogs read your body language like loving little terminators.

If you sit down, well, its obvious to them.

I think I feel an analogy coming on about what the S’s and P’s see that triggers the “BINGO” response…….

But, petting cats and/or dogs is really good for people.
Where’s the mutt? Ain’t nuthin like a best friend!

hens

Hi Witty – good to see ya ~!

ErinBrock

Pilgrimage:
I trust you will find your way ‘back’. It does take a looong time (i’m over 3 years out and well……still working on it). But eventually, the tides do turn.
Take good care of yourself and try to at least smile at YOURSELF in the mirror for a moment and remind yourself of all your good qualities.

hens

maybe we have to go out of our heads to get to the other side – maybe that’s part of the answer.

super chic

I am going out of my head.

silvermoon

Shabby,

Don’t know if it helps you, but I found the POWER of NOW by Eckhardt to be a great comfort.

What helped me was listening to it on CD.

When I was going out of my head. I spent hours and hours pouring it all out onto paper, into the computer, onto this site – creating a river of emotion and thought and fear and loathing and grief and letting the river roll on by after a while.

EMDR therapy was a real answer. And work. Burying myself in it.

And reaching out to friends and relatives I haven’t seen for 20, 30 40 years.

It all helps. And it is a driven by the determination to be free.

We have to fight our way through the bramble patch and I wish I could say to you that you’ll come through unscathed. Can’t. But I can call to you from a farther place along the road and say I hear you, keep coming. You can do this. You must.

I know you will.

Ox Drover

Dear Silvermoon and Chic,

I also found EMDR therapy (rapid eye movement) VERY helpful, much more so that talk therapy and I have read somewhere (CRS can’t remember where!) that talk therapy with PTSD is actually counter productive because it deepens the paths in our brains that cause flash backs and other things, because there are really NO WORDS for what we are experiencing or feeling. Something along those lines. My CRS is still here, but better, but I have come to realize it is part of the CHANGES that the PTSD has made in my brain.

Over all I think I am in a much better place NOW than I ever was in the past as far as boundaries and living a healthy life and having better and more functional and fulfilling relationships with the people I do love and that love me, lower stress in life etc. but there ARE some changes that are different now. My memory has swiss cheese holes in it, but my judgment is BETTER—that’s a good trade off I think! My sleep patterns are “crazy,” but I do know as we get older it is NATURAL to not sleep as deeply as you did when you were younger, but I do take care of myself better now, and allow myself to ask for help on physical tasks I am no longer safe (or sane) to do.

And, I no longer “stress out” about things not being perfect.

Accepting the CHANGES in ourselves, both positive and “negative” I think is important to our healing as well.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and his vision is like my son C’s, BETTER than 20/20 like 20/15 or 20/10 which means he can see at 20 feet what a “normal” or average person with good visiion could see at 10 or 15 ft.

Now his is ONLY 20/20 (so not quite as good as it used to be) but still NORMAL but to him it “feels like” he needs glasses.

Since the aircraft crash which will be 6 years ago this coming week, my reading speed has slowed down remarkably, directly after the crash I couldn’t read AT ALL–literally, and now instead of reading at way above average speed, I read at “average speed” and it FEELS LIKE to me “I need glasses” like my friend feels about his eye sight. It is DIFFERENT than I used to be, but still well within the NORMAL range.

I have “word finding” problems now that I didn’t have before, on simple words like “tree”—I can see a “picture” of a Tree but not find the word for a second or two. It is FRUSTRATING to me sometimes, but now I am learning to laugh it off and say to who ever I am talking to “ah heck, brain fart” or “CRS word finding problem, I’ll get it in a minute.”

I have no reason to think I am getting senile and quite likely I won’t, as all of my ancestors, even the psychopathic ones, were very bright and kept their wits about them until they died at over 80 years old. My egg donor has some short term memory problems now and she’s over 80, but at the same time, most of her problem is DENIAL and dysfunction about enabling, not her brain not working right and she’s been that way since she was young.

I also realize that too many times our “activity” level and “socializing” level is EMPTY runnning around. Like the Scoccer mom taking the kids to every kind of class and activity so that there is never an hour of the day that isn’t filled up with some kind of activity.

I think that some “down time” or “relaxing” time is necessary to good mental health. We have to have TIME to “contemplate the lint in our navels” in order to heal from this. We have to be able to really GET IN TOUCH with ourselves and you have to have time in order to do that, to turn inward and look at your thoughts and feelings.

I feel fortunate that i have had the LEISURE to do so, and not to have also had to have a professional job to function at (I couldn’t have done it) and kids to raise and nurture (I don’t know how you young mothers cope!) and so on. So I realize I have had PROFOUND BLESSINGS in being able to retire and still keep a roof over my head, and NOT having others to look after and nurture. I accept that I am not really ABLE and safe to practice my profession with short term memory swiss cheese. I can function in LIFE fine, but not when other’s lives depend on my professional and accurate memory. I may forget and boil a pot of beans dry on the stove, or lose my car keys, but no one dies as a result of it. So accepting that I am NOT SAFE to practice advanced nursing/medicine any more is the rational and reasonable thing. It wasn’t easy to do, because my profession and the satisfaction I got out of helping others professionally and being good at what I did was a big part of my self esteem. But recognizing REALITY is necessary to live a good life as well.

Each of us has a journey to make, and each of us finds different pot holes and rocks along the way toward healing, but the knowledge that we CAN do it, we can negotiate the potholes and rocks and broken glass, and even if we hav eto CRAWL part of the way, WE CAN DO IT. That is what LF is all about is encouraging others as we have been encouraged, and paying it forward. Unfortunately we will never run out of people who do need our encouragement, and those of us who have negeotiated some of the hazards and survived can be and should be I think compassionate enough to reach out to those in the abyss. It helps the person in the hole, but it also helps US that reach out. That’s why I’m still here at LF after nearly 3 years. (((HUGS)))) and God bless us all.

ErinBrock

Oxy….the first sign of senility is when we think our ‘brain farts’ have an odor.
🙂

Ox Drover

Or, we think our others don’t! LOL ROTFLMAO There’s some joke about an old man and old woman talking about that and the punch line is “Ethel the batteries are gone in your hearing aid” but I can’t remember the REST OF THE JOKE! LOL WHEW!!!! It is getting deep in here!

I used to have this printed off list of “names” for different kinds of farts, and I gave it to the doctor I worked with and I thought he was going to have a heart attack he laughed so much, ALL AFTERNOON cause it took him 1-3 minutes to read and laugh between each one and there were 100s of them!

My favorite was the “gambled and lost” fart! LOL ROTFLMAO

Maybe I’ll dig that list out of my “stuff to keep” pile cause a few good rolling on the floor laughs are always good for us. The comic relief you supply me EB is priceless, I want you to know! Right now COMIC RELIEF is VERY important in my life! I mean that seriously because there are just some things that you can’t change and you MIGHT AS WELL LAUGH AT THEM because if you don’t you are a gonner! That’s why I LOVE MAXINE CARTOONS AND JOKES, I wanna be just like her when I grow up! I’m working on it as hard as I can. I also loved Erma Bombeck! God rest her funny soul! You are right up there with Maxine and Erma EB!!!! ((((Hugs)))))

ErinBrock

My kids and I laugh all the time!
I have always been able to make them laugh….I think it’s important. Especially during trials and tribulations that test every cell in our body.
The past few days have been VERY stressful, dealing with the foreclosure issues.
I’ve had to go apeshit on the mortgage co…..and I called my senator who is aiding me. (I’m pulling an Erin Brockovich on em).
the company is just PATHETIC, and like dealing with a spath. Disorganized, makes false statements as facts…..you name it.
Thank god I’m a documentor……and me and Mr. senators rep and another rep have been lighting fires at the bank.
GET THE FRIGGEN THING DONE!!! It’s been over a year and a half! A new sale date of next thurs was posted.
So….anyways…..as I was running out the house yesterday (after staying up 2 nights in a row) and, Jr (on crutches) puts his arms out to stop me and give me a hug and tells me to breath……I said…I gotta go it’s 4:38 and this has to be iin by 5. He said…..mom…you need to stop and breathe….i briefly hugged him and said….I’ll breath in the car.
His reply……I forgot to take the trash out of the car…..it stinks in the car, breath with me here!

The kids ‘get’ the importance of a quick laugh in a hard situation…..and it was reflected in this quirk.
I’ve always told my kids…..”I can always make you laugh”…..since they were little, and they say the same back to me.
Sometimes Oxy…….finding humor and laughter is all we got and it’s all we need!

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