REGISTER | LOGIN
By | April 2, 2010 260 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: When The Player becomes The Played

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call Lorraine. She is 51years old and lives in Australia. The name of the man she was involved with has been changed.

I became involved with David, 49, after joining up to the dating site in September last year when I was emotionally down after a divorce and being on my own for awhile. I have heard both good and bad stories about online romances and was fully aware of women being ripped off financially. Well that was never going to happen to me, for I am too smart for that. But quite clearly not too smart for being taken emotionally.

Within days of placing my profile complete with photo of myself I had received lots of requests for contact by men, most not suitable at all. Amongst the requests was one from a man whose profile was flawless. A person professionally employed with a good Christian background. Fit and healthy and having a teenage daughter in his care much of the time.

I accepted his contact request and we clicked straight away. Had lots in common, both employed in the medical profession, both had three children, he three grown daughters, me — three grown sons. Both loved walking, cycles, the outdoors, markets, gardening, same type of music. We chatted merrily away, night after night for hours, about anything and everything including things one only tells ones closest friends.

For three weeks, until one nice pleasant but very quiet weekend afternoon, I went online and he was there. He said it would be nice to meet and have my company for a chat for an hour before he collected his daughter from his ex-wife’s. Sounded safe enough. And it was. I even thought he was nicer in person. When I left he asked if he could give me a kiss, and I accepted the small peck on the cheek. How lovely. What a gentleman, I thought. It left me wanting to see him again. The second time a week later when he invited me to his house he had lovely mood candles burning, a gorgeous meal prepared and the right soft music on. And there was that chemistry between us and he told me that he thought I was “hot.”

Notch on the bedpost

Very romantic and easy to communicate with. I was on another planet. But also I was vulnerable and found myself really liking and trusting David. And as the evening went by one thing led to another! Just perfect. Who could ask for anything more!

But make no mistake, once I had become a notch on his bedpost the conquest was over for him. The game had been played. And he was already well on his way in grooming his next victim online.

I know he is very selective, he picks only good, honest women with high morals, that way there are far less risks for him. And he told me nothing. Zero. He just stopped communicating with me. End of story.

I was left totally and utterly shattered and emotionally scarred by it. I saw him online chatting to others but he refused to acknowledge me.

So I chose to confront him personally. I jumped in my car and I drove the one hours drive to his place. (I knew he was home because he was online chatting to someone else at 10 p.m. but would not return my request for contact.) He was shocked to see me — totally. He could not look me in the face. He fidgeted and behaved much the same as a naughty boy who has been caught out but was too scared to admit it. He tried to maintain composure. He said that he is grieving for his mother who is dying from cancer. And that there isn’t anyone else and that he just wanted to be by himself. Then he stated that I was intelligent, good-looking and will find someone else. And he added, “We’ll both be fine. Everything will be alright.”

Talking with other women

The first time I initially had contact with David last year and after a couple of weeks chatting online he suggested communicating through MSN via internet email as it is more personal and that I didn’t need to go on the dating site to communicate as they are full of strange people wanting contact. He then hid his profile and I thought maybe I was special because he had given me his undivided attention. He then removed me from his “contacts” on the dating site.

But when I checked the online dating site, usually very late at night, there he was online, no doubt conversing to other women. I do recall in about the second week of chatting to him on the net and before I actually met him that David mentioned that he was on some type of suicide watch for a friend and may need to go in a hurry. Well that call came and he said he had to go and help his friend in need. The next evening on the net I remember him referring to it when asked by me, he said that it was a long, long night. “Someone was drunk in their car, and there were lots and lots of tears. But everything would be alright,” he said.

I was not to know then just how significant this was until weeks later when going over things again and again in my head. It all fell into place.

“Lots and lots of tears” obviously meant female. And I have now worked out that this female was likely a person he became involved with as he began chatting to me online. When her usefulness ceased, that is, he achieved his notch on the bedpost, he told her their relationship would not work. Yet another poor deluded soul, led to think there could be more but let down in a cold, callous and calculating manner.

Life lesson

So from all of this I strongly felt that David needed to be taught a real life lesson. Users on these dating sites are real life people with real feelings and emotions. I felt he needed to hurt, and in exactly the same way he was hurting vulnerable women who would open up to him — like myself.

Does not matter if you think you are the sharpest tool in the toolbox. If you are new to these dating sites — beware. You are raw meat. Ready for the taking. Long time players will regularly scour the new additions and quickly request contact before others do.

Then when I began to play him at his own game I was terrified he would catch on straight away, as I find it near impossible to lie and keep a straight face. But remember that online, on internet dating sites, all that is being conveyed is around 25 percent of the actual communication.

The other person cannot see you, or you them. And I know that body language counts for around 75 percent of what is being conveyed. Could I do this? Could I carry off the lie? Well as it happened — yes, I could. Wasn’t as difficult as I thought. If he could see me he would have known, but he couldn’t.

I became Jo

I placed a new profile on the dating site and became “Jo” in late January 2010, and made up a background similar to my own. I felt myself writing what I knew he would want to hear. I needed him to take the bait. And he did. Almost instantly. It only confirmed to me what I had already discovered over recent months that did not quite add up.

David’s first contact with Jo was the day after his mother, whom he supposedly adored, died. Strange behaviour when one is grieving! Chatting on line for one hour to “Jo,” whom he knew nothing about, yet telling her that he had no one to hug!!!!!!

Then telling Jo that he has been on the site for over two years and hasn’t had any luck, and hasn’t had a date in 14 years! I thought and what about me, or the others, whom he just so readily discarded!!! Liar!

Also in the three weeks of being Jo online, David at no stage asked what line of work Jo was in, or even where Jo lived, which was good in one way, because I did not need to lie, however it did highlight how he was so self-focused.

My aim of playing him at his own game was to keep him interested, wanting more, wanting the real deal. Getting him to ask me to his place would be even better as I knew he would go to some length to get it right. Mood candles, soft music and red wine!

Agreed to meet

It happened just the way I planned on Friday evening, February 12, 2010. Three weeks after chatting to him online and developing a rapport, he was clearly very eager to meet Jo. No less than six times throughout chatting to him on Friday early evening he hinted at Jo meeting him with comments such as, “I had a delivery of wine today”¦ come lets try one.” “I might ask you over”¦or let my hormones take over.” “There’s at least seven bottles of red to choose from here”¦ come choose one.” “You deserve a back rub for daring to talk about my mum and how I feel about it”¦no one else wants to know it happened.”

After stringing him along for awhile, Jo agreed to meet him at his place and he gave a very detailed description of how to get there in exactly the same way he had to me. Jo then left him with the final message of “Looking forward to meeting you. You sound so nice and friendly.” And, “I shall arrive in my nice shiny black convertible, shall I?” And he said, “So off ya go and come on over”¦ much more fun talking than typing.” Of course Jo then did NOT turn up.

At 10:50 that night, David left a message for Jo online: “David wonders what happened to Jo”¦hope you weren’t snapped up by crocodile, not been fed to a shark ”¦ and that you didn’t do this to wind me up ”¦ though that would seem very out of character from the chats we had ”¦ catch you whenever I s’pose.”

And: “P.S. I would really like to honestly know what happened and why ”¦ so please chat and tell me.”

Just perfect, I thought. It would leave him now wondering why and maybe feeling rejected, just like I had.

Advice for Internet dating

Now, my advice to anyone new to any of the Internet dating sites is to first check out how long the other person has been on the site. If more than a few months, beware. Secondly, when you are communicating with someone on these sites, remember you are actually only getting about 25 percent of the communication. You do not see them or their body responses; all you get is a motionless computer screen. Thirdly, it might be wiser and safer to communicate only with other new users, and stay well away from those who have joined many, many months ago or years! Let the alarm bells ring.

When I joined again as Jo several months after the first time, there were again the same large group of men whom had requested contacts with me the first time!!!

In conclusion, David has an obsession with these sites, much the same way as an addict has to gambling or a smoker to smoking. The addiction is either about gaining power over women or is a sex addiction. Yet, in real life David functions at a high level. He does have friends and is quite social, even having a weekly home church group meeting at his house. Yet on the chat line he says he is alone and feels unwanted.

David lives in a fantasy world, in a made up one, when on the Internet. The real sad part of all of this for me is that underneath the entire act David puts on, he seems like a lovely man who is highly confused and has lost his way with reality.

Net addiction

Through personal research I have now found some good sites on the Internet that outline what “net addiction” or “Internet dating addiction” or “cyber-addiction” is. Internet addiction is a growing, serious public health issue. And those that are addicted can be quite callous towards unsuspecting others. America has even considered this cyber-addiction to be included in the DSM V of Mental Health Disorders. It can be seen as the new growing social cancer of our century.

But how David could do this to innocent women, and repetitively, knowing he has three teenage daughters himself, is beyond comprehension. How would he like it if one of his daughters fell foul to someone just like him?

Finally, if my story can just stop this from happening to other females then that is a bonus. If what I did by becoming the player myself hurts him like he has clearly and deliberately hurt many women over a lengthy period of time then I will be very happy indeed. And my job is done.

So regardless of where you live, not just Australia, let the Internet user beware. It could cost you significantly emotionally, which will take you a long time to recover from.

Playing “The Player”

Everyone comes into one’s life for a reason. And I now firmly believe David came into mine because I was the right person to take him on and turn the tables on him. By playing “The Player,” it gave me the chance to regain my self-esteem and confidence and gain some kind of closure. My aim was to show him that one cannot use and emotionally abuse innocent people who initially come online and are often very vulnerable by those who are masters at “the game.”

I think I will stay well away from the Internet dating sites for the time being. I need to heal and become the calm, relaxed person with the happy disposition I was before.


260
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Ox Drover

Dear Lorraine,

Thanks for sharing this story, and glad that you came out of it much wiser and not too much the worse for wear (you still had your bank account intact at least).

As far as playing the player, you did that, but I am not sure that most people who do that sort of thing are able to even FEEL what it is to be “hurt”—maybe made angry, pithed off, but “hurt?” I’m not sure.

Glad you did it for yourself though! Good enough for him.

Marcia

Dear Lorraine

Thanks for sharing your story. I did the same thing to my Narcissist guy whom I dated for a year. He totally fell for it. Except that I have posted so much about him online that anyone Googling him would know everything about him. So just a couple of hours before we were going to “meet” I sent him a text and told him that I Googled him and am no longer interested in meeting him! Speak of Narcissistic Injury! They can’t take rejection at all. It felt good!
Marcia

Stargazer

You know, after hearing enough of these types of stories, I took my profile down from the dating site I used to use. Good on you, Lorraine, for getting your power back. Too bad he didn’t ever find out you were Jo. That probably would have been equally humiliating for him (but more dangerous for you). I will say that I was pretty good at ferreting out the players on the dating site. Not so lucky on my reptile site, though.

I was fortunate enough to get back at my exspath for what he’d done to me. He was trying to defraud me and defraud the army at the same time. I was so upset that I turned him in to the army and ended up becoming the star witness in their fraud investigation. Had I never spoken to them, he would have gotten away with a phony medical discharge and a lifetime of pension for a condition he was faking. He really met his match when he met me, and I think this is why he stays away from me. I was very fortunate in having a means of getting justice. I know a lot of people here are not as lucky. They are just stuck dealing with the ruin after the tornado strikes. For those people, I think it can be equally as empowering to find meaning in the trauma you went through and move on with gusto in your life knowing the sociopath will never truly be happy.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hey star!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Chexting: cheating by text. new word in the lexicon. will be put to use here, no doubt.

Stargazer

Chexting? ha ha ha ha Certainly makes it easier to discard someone, doesn’t it? lol…”I dun wit u”

one/joy_step_at_a_time

haha!!!

snort…

one/joy_step_at_a_time

how are you star? and the snakes?

Stargazer

I’m doing well, one step. The snakeys are getting huge! I’m so ready for a change in my life. The only thing I’m waiting for (besides my condo to sell on a short sale) is for me to decide what direction I want to go in my life. How are you doing, sweetie?

witsend

Hi Star, One Step
Hows everyone tonight?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

toil and trouble still.

i have moved through a pile of difficulty – and haven’t cracked yet, but it just keeps coming. looking for work. broke in a way that i have never experienced before. sick. pretty scarey.

have figured out i have PTSD and am pursuing help for it.

but joking and walking in the sun and sitting in the woods. that actually should be ‘waddling’ in the sun. i eat when i am stressed.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

i met a guy recently who has a snake rescue. he was a young punk rocker – deeply in love with snakes. he was doing an info session – miss middle aged dudette, with her business suit comes waddling in and says, ‘ouuuuu, snakes. can i touch?’

he was a bit surprised. 😉

one/joy_step_at_a_time

HI WITTY, how’s your Easter going?

witsend

One,
And windows open in the toxic house? Has your weather turned a bit spring like yet?

witsend

One
I am eating chocolate eggs. chocolate is what I do best 🙂

one/joy_step_at_a_time

chocolate…mmmmm

it has turned to spring – was 70 here today????

new experience tho – seems the toxins don’t like the sun – i am beat flippin red and my face is burning.

i went to check out a place today – it’s kinda unusual – a ‘community house’ lots of interesting things going on there, meetings and community groups and a solar energy office.

they are looking for someone to be a coordinator, and live in the top floor. the space is a bit small, but i am going to apply. it would be very cheap rent. 30 hours of work a month.

some problems – you know perfumes, people smoking close to the house, etc and no private outdoor space – little outdoor space at all. not he nicest neighbourhood – def not as nice as this one. but, it’s an opportunity, so i will check it out. 😉

oh yah, the spath got caught trying to dupe some folks online. haha her spathy butt is so pathetic. she’s been twittering away to herself all day.

witsend

One,
Yes spring has sprung here as well. Did some clean up work in the garden yesterday. Should have continued the work today.

I read a little bit here and saw you mention that the spath got caught today. Did you celebrate with chocolate?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

witty – i am celebrating by *not* eating chocolate. 🙂

one steps butt is BIG. it’s never been big. she doesn’t like it.

witsend

One step,
I don’t like a big butt either so I always have a diet coke with my chocolate…LOL

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hehe…

(now, i need to make sure you truly don’t drink diet coke. i don’t go on about many things, but aspartame is carcinogenic. it actually does the same thing that the formaldehyde that i am dealing with in my apt. does. really baaaad.))

Stargazer

Hey, wit! How are things going with you? My co-worker brought in a huge bag of gourmet chocolate wafers and cookies yesterday. She opened it and poured them into a bag. She may as well just written on the bag, “For Stargazer” because that’s who ended up eating them all. I ate them and crashed hard at around 2:30 in the afternoon. LOL CHOCOLATE ROCKS!!!!

One step, the community house actually sounds pretty cool. I’m also allergic to cigarette smoke and dislike strong perfumes, so I feel for you having to share your space with people like that. Ugh. All I can say is dream big. You have a better chance of getting what you want if you dare to want it and ask for it! (I’m trying to take this advice for myself)

It must feel great to see your spath in the light that s/he really is–a pathetic piece of crap in a human body. And now others are seeing it too. Validation.

Do you ever read Stephen King? I am such a fan of his, and he has some great books with very evil characters who pose as pillars of society. In one book (Rose Madder), the sociopath was a cop. In another one (Eye of the Tiger–which is my personal favorite), it is an evil magician. You might like some of his writings because the bad guy always gets exposed in the end.

Stargazer

Ha ha, if only diet coke could reverse the effects of chocolate…..wait, it CAN, right? Just lie and say yes….

one/joy_step_at_a_time

yes.

conomo

One Bang On …..Yikess!! Youuu still thiink Ii aam a ssppaath???

witsend

Hi Star,
Long time no see. I am doing ok. Hanging in there.
Chocolate is like comfort food. Well thats my story anyways and I am sticking to it.

One step, The community house does sound pretty cool. It is one of those things to maybe weigh in the good v/s the bad.
You know on paper….Me and my damn trying to simplify things that are NEVER simple to begin with.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

star – i have never been able to read stephen king, have never been able to watch horror movies, especially not psychological thrillers. i do not find roller coasters fun – i puke.

that said – i did develop a love of the mr.ripley series VERY much. barbara high smith NAILED sociopaths.

conomo

okk there One…..I totallly get wht you mean.. How can we educate ?????????????????

Stargazer

Wit,
I’m not here too much so I don’t get too many updates, but I know your story does not seem to be having a fairy tale ending. I’m glad you are hanging in. I really hope for good things for you, honey.

LOL, I don’t believe you about the diet coke, one step. Couldn’t you try to make it more convincing? lol

one/joy_step_at_a_time

witty – i need to do the paperwork. it’s hard to tell what my damned bottom lines are with the sensitivities – they keep changing.

i have been meaning to tell you that i read something about ‘simplifying’ that i have been practicing.

it was written by a business exec. – he writes three things he wants to accomplish in a week. then in a day. that’s it. and he focuses on those three things, and doesn’t allow other things to push them out of focus unless it truly needs attention.

it’s been helping.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

conomo – i never said i thought you were a spath.

Stargazer

One step, that’s one place we differ……I love Stephen King, but moreso the books. And I love horror movies–the stranger, the better. In fact, if they can be foreign with subtitles, so much the better. One of the strangest horror films I’ve seen is Japanese. But I’m just rambling now, because after all, we are at a party, right? The one in your head. I got a glass of wine from your hostess, and I’m just babbling. LOL

witsend

Star,
No not a fairy tale ending for sure. I guess I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore. But I sure would like to believe in divine intervention.
And in real life I am working on making things the best that they might be under the circumstances.

witsend

One Step,
I know this isn’t the big lf get together but I’m curious who might be entertaining us tonight at the party? Any headliners?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

star – i like me some strange, too…hahaha that’s how i met the spath!

do you remember the title of the japanese film?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

oh witty – this is so much fun. delted stuff went here…LILY ALLEN FOR SURE….AND maybe i will put on deleted stuff went here

Stargazer

Yes, it’s call Imprint. If you ever take a liking to horror films, this one is classic!

I recently saw an excellent film called The Prophet with French subtitles. It won some award at the Cannes film festival. It features an excellent example of a betrayal bond. I thought of this site after I saw it because of that betrayal bond.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

i love that song – have all my life. and NOW I AM GOING TO TAKE IT BACK FROM THAT SPAWN OF SATAN!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

erin – okay that’s weird – i posted and it didn’t post….

erin1972

onestep-her name sounds like a porn star name from the 80’s!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

erin72 – deeeeleeete

erin1972

DIRTY!!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

thanks.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

deleted

erin1972

onestep-done…I deleted her!

erin1972

onestep-dirtier than the porn star? Will she really come up if I google her?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hell ya!

conomo

I want to believe

GettingIt

I don’t think “David” was hurt any. Just moved on, fueled perhaps by more anger at the “big bad world” out there. It is so sad that they are deprived of feelings. The legal system protects their rights too, but short of cutting his testicles off, I think he had not & would have not learned his lesson.
On another point and in defense of on-line dating: I have no other way to meet a man, but through on-line dating. My profile had been up for 2 years. I had no business posting it when my pain was so row, but it gave me sense of hope to even be able to go out on One date at a time. I’m still looking and still believing it isn’t the right time for me to find. Perhaps, this is why even the guys I do seem to like don’t invite me out for the second date. I had also noticed that it is the “Dangerous” guy that I like, so I lay the rules right away: I will never pay for a man. I will never put a man before my family, my career and myself. NO wonder the boys aren’t interested… But, I am not out to hurt anyone, and my profile isn’t coming down until I have solidified a mutually respectful long term relationship. Sure, some men are on for a long time, but it does not mean all of them are nasty or out to get us. (What do I know)

truthteller

Other victims of psychopaths have been so amazingly supportive of me, except on one point – retribution.

I had to get retribution. By retribution, I mean I had to “out” the P in such a way that he would be brought down to his knees and never recover a decent life and the false identity he had used in the world.

I devised a plan, using self-control and strategy to keep myself as safe as possible… but knowing that I had to put myself somewhat at risk, cause I couldn’t go on with life until I knew I had done everything I could do – for myself and to make the P as powerless as possible so that it would make it harder for him to victimize other women.

I don’t feel comfortable divulging the specifics of my plan, but I feel a sense of lightness (rare for me post-P) as I survey the fruits of my labors.

I read on the sociopath world blog a post by a P stating that the only type of woman that they felt might actually be able to bring them down would be a borderline woman so wounded and angry that she had lost all care for her own quality of life. I am not a borderline, but I used this tip to think outside the box and try to put myself in that mindset – –

My campaign was called “shock and awe” – – the P would have never expected the spanking he received from little-old-me, always the good responsible, law abiding, loyal girl.

Many times as I was acting out my plan this good-girl said to herself – – “Looks like you picked the wrong victim mother****uker!”

bulletproof

truthteller

oooh… What did you do?…. I watched a violent revenge movie called ‘The Horseman’ recently
waaaaah! it was fantastic. (I had to hide behind cushion most of the time laughing hysterically shouting yay go get em)

You say:

I had to get retribution. By retribution, I mean I had to “out” the P in such a way that he would be brought down to his knees and never recover a decent life and the false identity he had used in the world.

I can just hear those words at the beginning of a movie. It pulls me in.
I want to know more. It hits nails on heads!

Then you say:

I read on the sociopath world blog a post by a P stating that the only type of woman that they felt might actually be able to bring them down would be a borderline woman so wounded and angry that she had lost all care for her own quality of life.

I agree totally. I nearly went there. I might have done some serious damage, in fact I know I would have torn his house down around him with the superhuman energy, adrenalin I guess….in a face to face battle I may have won. But I have a son and it would have been dangerous to mess with a P in fact it would be crazy to mess with a P outside court proceedings

So if you are thinking of going into the “retribution/ outing Psychopaths” business let me know. I am looking for some psychopath appropriate (humane of course) ways of protecting future innocents.

“shock and awe” sounds perfect. May the force be with you.

Send this to a friend