Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this letter from a reader who we’ll call “Abigail.” She relates how she felt bonded to a man, even after he brutally assaulted her.
I grew up very sheltered in an ultra-religious family; I had no knowledge whatsoever about deceitful liars. I should have because my also very innocent and trusting mother was misled by one man like that, who deceived her, promising her marriage, just to end up getting her pregnant (with me) and then leave her and us for good. My family, however, preferred to deal with this issue by keeping it as much secret as possible, so unfortunately I couldn’t learn from my mother’s mistakes.
I have been sheltered in a “glass box” all my life; my family tried to keep me away from inappropriate relationships and people. In the meantime, however, my family was also very unhealthy, being very respectable on the surface with many nasty buried skeletons beneath. I have been lonely, suffering from the emotionally abusive and hypocritical atmosphere at home, and the lack of father figure. My family was even jealous of my female friends.
I never had interest in boys my age. Somehow, I was always looking for a man I could look up on, almost like looking up at a father. Truthfully, grown men used to notice me, too, by the time I was 12-13 because of being naturally curvy on certain areas. I totally innocently flirted with them, looking for no sexual relationship but approval, acceptance and love above all.
My best friend’s uncle
I remember when I was 13, my best friend’s old uncle started to inappropriately touch me, trying to seduce me into sexual relationship privately at his own home, but being so naive and innocent about all sexual matters, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that I was enjoying the situation and felt thrilled about it some unknown pride crept into my life, where I felt I finally had the ability to gain affection from people.
Thankfully my family discovered it before it was too late and that put and end to it, including my friendship with my best friend. I don’t even know how I managed to avoid exploiting sexual relationships through my high school years, but actually loving to study and excel at school might have had something to do with it.
Sorry for the long intro I wanted to explain what background I am coming from.
Mr. Charmer
I was still a “kid” at heart at age 20, longing for a “Dad” to look up to, when I met Mr. Charmer, completely coincidentally. The attraction was mutual and immediately overpowering. He was all I have ever fantasised about: tall, dark, handsome, masculine, enchanting with the eyes and voice of a snake charmer mesmerizing from head to toe. I was hooked. He was very affectionate, extremely romantic and caring and I was in heaven.
Read more: Sociopathic seduction — as long as it takes
He didn’t live very close to me, so in between being able to meet, we kept in touch online/over the phone. It felt like we hit it off right away and he seemed like everything I’d ever hoped for. I told him very early on that I was a virgin and I wanted to stay that way until I met that special someone who will be my husband. I thought I must have sounded like a weirdo for him, but much to my surprise, he was extremely relieved about it, and voiced admiration about my strong morals in this crazy world.
I knew he had many girlfriends before (with his Greek god-like looks, I wasn’t surprised at all, plus I always found experienced men “thrilling,” so I didn’t care) but he made it very clear that he was tired of girls that play with his emotions and he’d been disappointed a lot. All he wanted was a serious relationship with me, who was a very good and faithful person with a touch of wildness in my heart. He admired my looks, too, and seemingly everything about me. He was a great listener and a great support when I felt I needed his sympathy and “protection” when things went bad at home or I felt insecure. All said and done, I adored him. I idolized him. He seemed to really enjoy it which I noticed, but gave him excuses for being a little vain who wouldn’t be with his inner and outer qualities, after all?
Mask starts to slip
Months after meeting, and after lots of romantic talks and intense romantic involvement, we started to talk about marriage. It was like a dream come true. I was walking on clouds and so was he, seemingly. Unfortunately, at this point I started to have some serious doubts and nagging questions about him. I don’t know when the “mask” started to crack, perhaps when I first started to discover (and experience) his extreme mood swings. Then he started to be less affectionate and more demeaning. He even started to lie and when he was called out on that, somehow it turned out to be my fault.
He claimed how much stress I caused to him, and how hurt he was that I didn’t trust him while he was so loved by everyone else; I didn’t even deserve him. He started to criticize me and “naturally” I never questioned the validity of his words. He was experienced, I clearly wasn’t I believed he knew much better, he must have been right, after all, I was so young compared to him (he was 10 years older).
Begging myself to leave
Nevertheless, my bad gut feeling started to grow by the day. I often felt so hurt, so heartbroken and lonely. I remember writing in my journal about him practically begging myself to wake up from this dream that was about to turn into a nightmare.” Yet every single time when I started to feel strongly about running from him, he charmed himself back to my heart. I often chose to close my eyes and turn the other way, since I was really afraid to lose him and the emotional investment, engagement and so forth.
I also learnt to be afraid of him by then, not that he ever hurt me physically, but his anger outbursts and our arguments were extremely exhausting and I wanted to avoid them at all costs. I knew I wasn’t perfect (he let me know over and over in case I’d forgotten) and I thought to myself: “Well, he’s not perfect either, after all, but just as much as he sticks with me even though I am imperfect, so will I.” I am a very faithful person and I always took pride in that.
Now he wants sex
In the meantime, somehow, he lost his appreciation for my virginity. He now became demeaning about it, and he heavily worked on me to give in to have sex before we got married. He achieved it by a lot of erotic talk and I have to admit I was really not immune to this at all. I was bouncing over the walls from the (sexual) frustration by then, and the pressure and fear of letting him down and making him angry with me. I needed to prove to him that I was able to keep him and satisfy his needs, because I am “good enough of a woman” for him. So I gave in.
On that special day I found him to be a little too ADHD and hyper, but I thought it was just excitement on his end. He seemed to “burst at seams” with an almost unnatural excitement, he was grabbing me, suddenly pushing me up against his car in public, circling around me like a lion that’s about to eat its prey, staring at me with predatory eyes, licking his lips — it was unnatural. It was a turn-on too, of course, to experience such a wild and demanding and overpowering and sizzling masculinity, all directed at me. But it still made me feel very uncomfortable. I even started to wonder if this was such a good idea, and I contemplated telling him, somehow, to wait, but I couldn’t work up the courage for that.
No affection or love
Once in his room, Mr. Charmer was gone. I didn’t notice it right away it was a very exciting and “sacred” moment for me, and I didn’t think of anything bad right away when he started to “make me” please him in all kinds of ways. It felt degrading and without love, so I got a little confused and eventually, scared he had no affection, love or gentleness for me at all.
After me pleasing him for a while, he immediately wanted to have sex, which I tried to stop, realizing that this is just too much for me, being extremely confused and hurt because I felt all of a sudden as if he didn’t care for me romantically at all. I stopped him and he withdrew, became extremely cold, emotionless, and his anger started to build up. I was scared. I tried to calm him with hugs and kisses, tried to explain that this is not what we talked about, but he told me to make up my mind to decide what I want, if I want him at all or not. I tried to explain that I did want him, but this was not how it was planned, so much without love and gentleness.
Brutal and animalistic
Well, he made up his mind that we would have sex anyway. I will spare you from the details of this torturous, horrible experience. Multiple times I asked him to stop; he didn’t care, he did it anyway. It was as brutal and animalistic and unbearably painful as anyone can imagine. He would also make me do things to him for his pleasure, and he didn’t take “no” for an answer. He didn’t look at me or touch me, he was lost in his own world where he dominated and he was the best lover, probably, because after he was done he asked me if it was indeed great and what I liked best.
I wanted to vomit. I was frozen, emotionless, torn apart physically and emotionally, in an extreme amount of pain with severe bleeding. I felt like a slave with “her master.” Reality became surreal and I flat out didn’t even know who I was anymore. This torture went on for the whole weekend. I had the “physical” ability to leave him, since he never locked/bonded me, but I did not have the emotional/spiritual ability to leave, if that makes sense at all.
I still “loved” him, I was extremely hurt and scared, I had nowhere to go really (not physically but emotionally — he was my everything and now that this idol was torn, I really felt like there was nowhere else in the world where I could go anyway.) I immediately felt extremely bonded to him physically, even though this made me nauseated. (I knew nothing of betrayal/traumatic bonding back then.) I realized by then that this is all that he wanted from me, and all his love was fake. He even told me that he’d teach me how to please a man, because I was young and I needed to have fun and skills. Yet I still believed somewhere inside that if I was willing and obedient, then somehow I could regain his love for me.
Dumped and isolated
All said and done, after these tragic days/nights, it didn’t take long for him to dump me. Better to say, he really didn’t dump me, he just stopped talking to me. I had to provoke it and kept calling him, etc. to try to make sense of all that has happened, to try to come to terms. I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to. In a sick way, I couldn’t imagine that I could ever live without him. My religious beliefs also made me feel very guilty; I felt dirty, shameless and like a “slut.” Some of my also religious friends (once they figured out that I had sex with him) also treated me that way, so I became completely isolated. This isolation made me feel bonded with him even more, because of what we’d shared in the past, and because of the physical connection that was a very strong bonding power for me, despite of the torturous and brutal nature of it.
After a month or so of such a weird “relationship,” he decided to not to pick up the phone anymore, nor answer back, throwing me into a hysterical crying fit for days. I begged him to return, even though deep inside, I wanted him to be gone as if he never existed. But I couldn’t live without him and the “security” that he represented to me.
Lonely burden
I don’t remember those weeks afterwards; it was all a blur. I have no idea how I survived, especially that I haven’t told anybody about this at all. I was so lonely, so extremely lonely with this burden to bear alone, while having to try to pretend that all is well in my world. We had one final talk about a month later, where I tried to be civil (so did he) but it turned into a nasty argument immediately when I tried to call him out on all that happened. He claimed nothing happened and he did nothing to me that I didn’t want, and if I ever tried to find him or talk about it, he’d kill me. He also called me dirty wh*re and it was like a final punch on my heart. I was now “dead.”
How many months passed when I tried to repress, forget, pretend that I was okay, hide the real reason why we broke up, and so forth — I don’t know. The human mind is awesome. Half a year later, I really believed that I was all better, despite the nightmares about being chased and raped, panic attacks and so forth.
Thought I recovered
Years passed, I finally never even thought of him and I thought I recovered fully. I got married (to my “real” prince who is an amazing, wonderful, supportive man), had a family, lived happily. Of course I’ve always experienced problems (nightmares, panic attacks, snapping at people, all kinds of aches and pains, unexplained fears, depression, lack of true enjoyment of sex) but despite of all of that I was still very happy because I was very much loved and safe and appreciated.
A major traumatic event the past few months, however, triggered a complete outbreak of reliving my memories for first time in my life. My husband — who only knew a little bit about all that happened — finally heard what truly happened and I am working on opening up more and more. Details flood my mind, and some days it feels like I am going crazy.
The most twisted and sickening detail — my unnatural, nauseating “bonding” to this man finally came up, and I was able to admit that this trauma didn’t go away at all just because I hid it. I was scared of it, feeling extremely dirty — until finally I got my hands on some reading material (Women Who Love Psychopaths, etc.) and it dawned on me finally what was going on.
Psychopath narcissist
He was the perfect example of a psychopath narcissist, such a frighteningly perfect example. As much as it was a relief to finally understand that what happened wasn’t my fault and failure as a woman, it became unbearable for another reason. For so many years I believed that I must have meant something to him, even if he was a jerk, he still must have loved me at some point. The realization that I was nothing but narcissistic supply, an object to use and throw away that is ripped another hole in my chest.
My feelings were so true to him, and that was the only thing that made me feel better for years. I was not a slut; I loved him! But how could I love him if I didn’t even know who he was? I will never have an explanation, an apology, or any type of closure! He betrayed me on such a level, not only physically but more so emotionally and spiritually, given that he was my everything and I trusted him with my very life as if he was my father and he used me and threw me away, walked away without a second thought, just like my father left me.
A new chapter
I have major trust issues. My husband does not deserve for me not to trust him and rely on him because he is awesome, and now he suffers too. My relationship with God suffered a lot because I even lost my trust in Him to some extent. I don’t have a lot of friends and I can count on one hand how many people I trust. Yet I have a hard time trying to not to be naive and not proving my “worth” to everyone. I get depressed and hurt when people don’t see me for who I really am, even if I don’t let them close so they can get to know me at all.
It’s a new chapter of my life now. After 10 years I am finally starting to deal with the aftermath. It’s going to be hard and I realize it won’t go from one day to another. I now have hope that it will get better, because I am now not afraid to take a good look at what happened and admit that I was a victim of emotional and physical rape and violence. To experience it from somebody whom I trusted and loved so much is devastating. To realize that I am not alone, that there are many of us suffering from the aftermath of psychopaths, is very redeeming, however tragic it is. Next step will be counseling. Being able to open up and talk to strangers is a good first step to practice so I don’t chicken out talking to somebody in person!!
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love fraud and how to avoid it
Lovefraud originally posted this story on May 6, 2010.
Hamas terrorists: Psychopaths or brainwashed
He locked eyes with you, with that piercing stare. That is the predator stare.
He was a wonderful listener. He sat back and let you tell him your vulnerabilities.
You were a virgin and religious. He found the extreme challenge, and exploitation.
I am so glad that you got into a good relationship. Most of us are damaged goods where all we attract is more sociopaths for the rest of our life.
Your husband sounds like a good man. I hope he doesn’t let that man soil you for life. You were an innocent sheltered woman. He took advantage. I hope your husband sees that.
Jeannie
Abigail-it was good for you to come here. Your story really triggered some things in me. I too, had the same feelings about sex, virginity, and marriage and my virginity was also TAKEN from me without my permission. That is a horrible thing and it took SO long to get over it. Sometimes I feel like it will follow me forever-even though I rarely think about it now. The guy I was with was 11 years older. I started dating him because I felt sorry for him-big mistake. He was widowed young because his wife died and left him with two young boys. This guy was the son of a minister. His father even warned me about his parasitic behavior but I didn’t listen. I wanted to help him and thought I could change him. I felt sorry for his boys-that’s how he hooked me. Little did I know that he was my first sociopath.
The man you described though reminded me of my most recent ex who dumped me a year ago and destroyed my world. This guy was sweet to me and went Mr Hyde in the end cuz he snapped. The attraction that we had reminded me of the guy you were with. We were so in love and had SO much chemistry. He was my first orgasm of my life at age 36. The first guy who took my virginity had a lot to do with that I think. Prior to my love, Alan, I was afraid of a lot of things having to do with sex. He showed me that it can be wonderful and fun and 50 other other words like that. I miss that but know that he is disordered. He is dishonest and he built up my self-esteem so high and then dropped it to lower than low in an instant.
Wow-that is a heart breaking thing that happened to you. All of us here though can relate. I hope you stick around and read and post because good people are here and they’ve helped me a lot. ((hugs to you))
Dear Abilgail,
How much of your story remindes me mine. The guilty I felt of not being good enough. They do what is called “brainwash”. Unfortunately we believed we did something wrong. Even my ex boyfriend’s mother said: “you must have done something for him to leave you like this”. And I believed that. How could a person, who said that loved you and wanted to have a family with you, all of a sudden dump you and exchange you for someone else, saying that he did it because you deserved that? Our brain thinks logically, and we come to the conclusion that he is right! I felt exactly the same way you did! Although I knew that situation was not good to me, feeling he was not acting right and suffering because of his actions, I couldn’t leave him, and beared what no other people could bear for a day. People wondered how could I bear such humiliation, cause at some point I knew I was being cheated on, but, as you said, thought I “couldn’t live without him”. You said he gave you security and, since he was older, it felt like he was the “father” you never had. You found an explanation for being involved with this guy and the need he filled in you. I try to understand why I was involved and could bear so many things, I wonder why I did not leave him. As you said, I had a “delusion” and closed my eyes, cause I wanted what I created to be true, even thought I knew that didn’t feel right. And just as you, after 2 years I still remember, and it’s difficult to trust people, my boyfriend is very patient to me, and I try to be calm but I get very insecure and anxious with the idea of him cheating on me, althought he gave me all proves it’s not his intention. When I told him what happened , the weekend after I couldn’t stop thinking of everything bad that happened, and I felt like I was experiencing all those things again. It took some time for that feeling to go away. This a trauma and I also wonder whether we have to avoid those memories or try to work on them to understand in order to forget and forgive. Forgive him and forgive us for having failed, cause we are humans, and we trusted these people and and believed peolple could be as realiable as us. But, just as you, God gave us a wonderfull man to make it up for, and they deserve the best of us.
I wish you all the best!
A comment that was said touch my soul:
“Most of us are damaged goods where all we attract is more sociopaths for the rest of our life.”
I wonder how true is this statement because that all I’ve been meeting is guys with socopathic tedencies.
Sadly, I’m damage goods the sp did such a job on me, everytime I meet someone and it don’t work out I’m wondering is it me, I never had these thoughts of myself in the past until him.
Recently, A guy I’ve grew up with came back to town to take care of his sick father, his father passed he been here since Jan 2010, We got together first week of April 2010 have not seen each other in 20yrs, real good conversation, good connection, he stated he relationship ready, he want to be in love and in a healthy relationship. Ok, I will to try my words exactly.
We went out on our first date April 20th his birthday, I took him out for drinks we had a nice time, he was very affectionate the kisses was nice but the dude wanted to sleep together that night!!!!
No time getting to know me, no time getting to see if he even like the person that I’ve became remember we havent seen each other in 20yrs. He swore that if we slept together he would not leave we would be together.
Since that night we have not been out on anymore dates he makes dates and don’t keep them, he dont return calls or reply to texts, I cant help but wonder if I slept with him would he still be attentive.
My heart is so open to real love but I’m so cautious I hope I don’t lose out on a good one because of me being damage goods!
Dear LUV,
QUOTE: “I can’t help wonder if I slept with him would he be attentive”
While you may have “known”him 20 years ago he is not the same person he was 20 years ago, and his INSISTENCE on sleeping with you the first time you were together again, actually as strangers, and him not coming around or keeping dates again, ONLY MEANS HE WAS ONLY LOOKING FOR SEX. That was ALL he was looking for.
No man/woman who is really looking for a “relationship” jumps into bed with the first person the first day they meet them. Sure, that may occasionally happen that two people meet and have sex the same day and end up in a good relationship but it is few and far between. Most times it is instead “bam, bam, thank you mam” and off the guy goes, looking for another sexual adventure with another woman.
Men (or women) who are ONLY interested in partners who “put out” quickly are not looking for anything except sex.
You won’ this round because he showed you what he was REALLY after. What he was ONLY after.
I like you quote too about “He swore that if we slept together he would not leave we would be together” LOL ROTFLMAO WHAT A LIE!!!!!!
Dearest Abigail.
This is simple. Time to Tell the truth. Call it what it is. RAPE. Name what happened. You were RAPED. Brutally. Callously. RAPED. Physically, emotionally, mentally. You were targeted and “groomed” just as pedophiles groom their prey. You were PREYED upon, and RAPED. The trauma continues b/c you’ve tried to bury it. The TRUTH will set you free. Find a rape trauma counsellor and shine the light of truth on it. Clearly you are taking responsibility for HIS CRIME OF RAPE. That makes as much sense as blaming children for allowing a pedophile priest to rape them. If your trauma counselor can not provide relief from the very first session, try a different one. Good trauma counselors are hard to find. Don’t give up. It is not just for you. Your children need your recovery just as much as you do. While you are interviewing trauma counsellors, a little homework is a book, “the Betrayal Bond”. It is time to stop serving a life sentence for a crime someone else committed. Time to free yourself from this burden. I wish you were my daughter. I’d find you and embrace you in a mothers comfort. Since I can’t, please, do the same for yourself.
Dear Abigail,
I could not understand the strong and devastating pull and unwelcome connections I felt, even after years of moving on with my life, to people who had caused me great pain. I even believed for years that it had to be my fault (lots of guilt, fear, and pain).
Then a regular poster here on LF (it was either Matt or OxDrover) mentioned the book “The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships” by Patrick J. Carnes. In a nutshell, Carnes explains how incredibly strong the bonds formed under traumatic circumstances are, and how they can last for years (think soldiers in combat) BUT here’s the scary part: they form and last even when one of the people is the one causing the trauma!
It’s not crazy; it’s a survival mechanism, and it’s buried so deeply, that we’re not aware of it in our conscious minds. That’s why it’s so freeing to learn about what it is and how it works.
I bought a used copy of Carnes’ book for only a few dollars on Amazon, and started looking closely at the kind of relationships I had: two traumatic marriages, and then my friendships, and finally an encounter with a narcissist that brought me to my knees. This quiet examination of myself, and of how I’d been a very naive woman which set me up as perfect prey for predators, entirely changed my life. For the first time, I felt free from my past — and able to trust myself to slowly form new relationships, starting with how I treat myself.
I’m telling you about this book because it was pivotal in the healing my life, and I hope it might be useful to you. Whatever you do — and there are lots of great resources available, especially this incredible site — and I wish you the very best.
Betty
I agree with Katydid,
That man was very similar to a rapist. He coerced you into it.
After rereading the posts I was reminded of my son’s dad. He told me of a relationship he had before he met me.
He met a woman at church. (He was a church goer that uses religion to his advantage.) He said she was a virgin.
He said he wanted to marry her. But, what he told me said he really wanted to soil her virginity.
I’m sure he would have married her, but would have brought home other women to share her bed.
He totally lacked impulse control. I saw his hands tremble while we were at the beach and he was excited by two young females sunbathing. They were laying by the garbage can cause the beach was crowded. He picked up all the garbage in site to throw it away one piece at a time. He wanted a closer look at the young females. He was so ridiculous that I loudly pointed out garbage for him to throw away. He did it! He really ran for the scraps of garbage!
I found in our relationship that he was working on bringing other women into it. I found an earring on carpet one morning. He gave me the crabs on another day. He would hold me captive audience while he checked out other women. At work he would leave his dirty lunch dishes with me so he could run off to play with the newly hired young females.
So what were his intentions with that virgin? He just wanted to “skip” to the head of the line and get there first.
That is what he did with me. I was still married when I met him. It took almost 2 1/2 years for my divorce court. (which was totally ridiculous) No, I didn’t wait 2 1/2 years before I met someone. What I didn’t realize it was the sociopath ready and willing to be first in line. A normal man wouldn’t want a married women, doesn’t matter that it is out of her control that the divorce took 2 1/2 years to finalize, a normal man would have ran from that.
I do believe your situation was rape. It was against everything you believe. You were coerced.
Jeannie
Dear Abigail,
When I married my sociopath, I was also a virgin. I belonged to a very catholic family who took marriage seriously and so did I. When I met him I had just ended a relationship with a normal man, it had not worked out but he was normal. Now I know that compared to my now once husband. I met my socio and immediatly fell in love. He was divorced with 4 kids. He had come into our province from another province and had left his previous life behind. He told me he had been deeply hurt by his vicious ex-wife. He told me all the things she did and how he was so hurt from her cheating. I beleived him because there was no reason not to. He was affectionate towards me, treated me like a queen, how could someone hurt him ? I still had a few red flags here and there, but I was deeply involved in my new family life that I thought it was all in my head. He treated my parents very well, respected our religion and my father thought the world of him. When our daughter was born he was very attentive and helped me in every aspect. I went back to work and tried to help him financially because I wanted to allevaite his burden. He paid child support to his first family and I made sure of it, but he was always broke. I wondered why he did not communicate with his previous children as much as possible, he told me there mother had put things in their head about him, and all they wanted was money, they never showed any respect. I knew some of it was possibily not true, but I put it aside. Although I always pressed him to see his kids and perhaps book a flight to go see them. His children were now adults. He never wanted to go for different reasons. When they came into the city, he would go to see them, but never offer to take me with him. I did not understand why he wanted to keep me away. Now I know why, he wanted at some point after leaving me to reconcile with them, telling them that it was me who did not want him to see them, because that is exactly what is happening now, these kids think it was me who kept him away from them. I was the bad second wife, and he is crying crocodile tears to them, asking for forgiveness, and they beleive him, and are thinking the world of him, he is now getting “supply” from them again. Can you beleive it ? Using his kids again….playing with their heart for his own gratification.
We are now in the process of divorce, he discarded me when i tried to find out what he was doing with his money, found out some pretty strange things and asked him about it. He suddenly turned in another man. I can pretty well tell you to the date when the mask slipped. He was discovered. The story is long but I can tell you that he had planned his departure in advance and had a women ready, she was 30 years old and 4 young kids, he is 52. We now have 2 kids, one is almost 14 and 18, he has not contacted them in over 1 year, discarded them also because he wanted them to live with him and they refusded after they both saw the violence and anger he displayed towards me, he totally disrepected and hurt me emotionally and physcially. My kids are kind and very much like me, they refused to be with him. He picked up and left and is now living with his new mate and kids. He is not supporting my kids in anything, its a legal struggle all the time. My kids have grown to hate him only because he is devaluing them constantly by his behavior. My mission is to love them both forever and I pray that they will overcome the hate inside of them. I know deep in my heart that it is not me, the only reason he stayed with my for 20 years is because I was a good wife, lenient, supportive, and always was taught that the mother must keep the family together for the sake of the children. I thought his love was true towards me and the kids, I did not realize that it was always false. That to me is the hardest thing, to accept the fact that he never loved me like I loved him. I still love the illusion, but its only an illusion. My kids have a tought time, but becasue of my supportive family and friends,t they have love and support. I have also gone for family councilling mostly for my kids to stay safe and to understand that emotional abuse as well as physcial is wrong and should not be tolerated. The courts need to understand that having a father is important, but then again, if this father is violent and abusive, what kind of role model is he to them ? My kids have made their own decision based on what they saw and for this I am thankful, my ex made his own bed. Good will prevail against evil. So my story is quite sad because the inside turmoil is still there, I do not know when I will heal. I am not ready for another relationship right now, I am too busy getting my kids life back in order , showing them that stabiltiy can be found without him, and life goes on. I need for them to know that I will never abbandon them no matter what, they are an extention of my heart walking around, and I will protect them as much as I can. He was an evil man who preyed on my goodness and my familiy. It is so hard to fathom that these people exist, it is the devil incarnate. However I consider myself lucky, he left on his accord and I am able to raise my kids to the best I can. They have feelings, and emotions, and they cry, this tells me that they are not like him.
There is life after a sociopath, we are much more aware of evil and definatly distrusting, but I think it will change. My own father and mother are the best, so they make me think that there are good people out there. I did not do anything wrong, and at first could not understand what had happened, but after careful research and this blog, its much clearier and I am much more focused. My heart is torn in half, and it will eventually mend together, but the scar will always be there.
There are times when I burst into tears, and am on an emotional rollercoaster but I stop and think of how fortunate I am and how it could have been much worse, and it lessens the hurt.
Take care Abigail and never lose hope, life does get better.
Peace
“Abagail” , been there, done that. I fell into the same sort of trap when I was much older and wiser. That wish to please, to be approved, runs very deep in some of us. It took me about 40 years of adult life to get over that, so you are way ahead of me! Thank goodness your eyes were opened so early. It hurts horribly I know, but you will come out of this a MUCH stronger person and you will be able to prevent this kind of exploitation from ever happening again with a man, a boss, your relatives, girlfriends, a minister…anyone! You will learn great self-defense techniques.
I think two of the most powerful defenses are 1) being aware of red flags and paying attention to your gut when anything makes you go “huh!?? What’s going on here?” and 2) knowing your vulnerabilities so you can protect yourself from someone exploiting your vulnerabilities. We all have them! Mine was the same as yours….wanting approval so badly.
And the cure of course is to believe in YOURSELF….know your STRENGTHS and focus on them. No way will you ever become a narcissist! So don’t worry about that. But keep complimenting yourself so you don’t need to hear validation from anyone else.
The Emotional Rape Syndrome is a great book if you have not already read it and another is The Betrayal Bond….you definitely had that going against you, as did I. I’m glad you have found out about betrayal bonds. It explains a lot!
Best wishes to you….sounds like you are on the right path to healing!