Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Lorna.”
I thought I’d write and tell you a success story, thanks to all the information you provide to help people to survive a sociopath.
I’ve met them at various times in my life, however, I was lucky that I never married or got pregnant or lived with one. A couple of years ago, one crossed my path, and in a short time caused a lot of disruption before I dumped him. I pretty much forgot all about the narcissistic sociopath since then.
I wanted to watch the Will and Kate wedding live, but didn’t have TV, and on the West Coast it would be shown at 3 a.m. I posted on the activities partners section of Craigslist hoping someone was planning on being up to watch, and might let me come join them. I was surprised to get an email from a man, with whom I exchanged emails and phone calls before I felt comfortable going to his place to watch the wedding.
I made chocolate covered strawberries and brought a bottle of champagne, and he had some too, so we laughed and had a wonderful time staying up til dawn watching the wedding — competing on who knew the most wedding trivia, etc. I had a blast, so did he, or so I thought. He was 14 yrs younger, worked part time as a baseball umpire, had a bright and witty mind, and was a total gentleman. We ended up snuggling a bit, and even kissing a little.
I wasn’t going to chase him, so I did send a quick email letting him know I got home safely, I left it up to him to reach out to contact me for future dates, if he wanted. A week went by. I finally got an email telling me he’d been out of commission as he’d pulled muscles in his back. I took him dinner and a heating pad and massaged his back. I waited another week before he contacted me again, which I thought was a bit strange. We emailed and planned to go for a hike at the ocean to his favorite place.
Previously, he had told me he was a confirmed bachelor, and he had “been played” by some gal a year before, and his feelings were evidentially hurt over that break up. He made another comment I didn’t quite catch, however, I think he said if I got too romantic he’d just end the relationship. Huh? I didn’t understand.
Hike to the ocean
The day came for us to go on our picnic hike to the ocean. I was to meet him at noon at his place. I had misplaced my keys and was running about 10 minutes late, so I called and got his voice mail to let him know I was on my way. When I arrived, he pointed to his watch and let me know I was late and he has a “thing about that.” Hmmm, kinda uptight, I thought to myself. After all, I did call and left a message. It wasn’t as if we were going to a concert that started at a specific time. We had all day, and what was 10 minutes? I was on “observe and take mental notes” duty, as I’d learned to watch for signs from the very very beginning, as people will give plenty of clues as to who they really are if you take off your blinders and stop making excuses for people.
My next clue came when he drove like a maniac, and made me uncomfortable tailgating. My telling him so and asking him to slow down only helped a bit when I pointed out he had 364 days a year to drive as he wished, and this one time to consider me. He did slow down, a bit, but when we came to a very curvy section of road I asked him to take the easier detour so I wouldn’t get car sick, and he refused! Ok, now my alarm system was on full alert. I was getting too many clues of his selfishness, and little comments he made to upset me. He even noticed something about me he said he could use to “push your buttons.” I didn’t think highly of that, either! Instead of being comfortable in his company, I was becoming quite wary. He seemed to take pleasure making me squirm. Not good.
We arrived at the beach, went on a bit of a hike to get there, and he helped me up and over these huge boulders on the beach. However, he wanted to be out on the edge where huge waves were crashing up on the rocks. He stood out there like a crazy guy, and I could see he was addicted to adrenalin. I couldn’t keep up with him and didn’t want to. I was getting tired, and yet he kept pushing me to go further and further, though I knew if I did I could fall and hurt myself, and told him so. HE wanted to go further, so we did, and that was that. I just made more mental notes realizing how selfish and somewhat antagonistic I found him towards me. I actually should not have been climbing on those rocks, I’m 64 years old and have had knee surgery, but he pushed me and said he didn’t drive all that way not to see it all. Eventually, we left to return towards home.
He had originally suggested we go to a local seafood restaurant for some clam chowder, but now that it was time to do so, he changed his mind and we drove back towards home. He did stop at a taco wagon that is parked in the grocery store parking lot and got less than $10 worth of tacos. He did make a point to pull out about eight $20 bills and fanned them in front of himself as he was paying for the tacos. He let it be known he had the $ to eat in a real restaurant, but instead here we were sitting at a picnic table in a grocery parking lot eating $1.50 tacos. Mind you, I’m not a gold digger, and I had brought food for the picnic. I eat at that taco truck myself from time to time. It was just the way he did this felt more like he was intentionally avoiding spending any money on me, and not keeping his promise to go for chowder as originally planned.
“Bad boy”
After we got back to his place, he didn’t help off load any of my stuff to put in my vehicle. He just gathered up his own and went up to his apartment leaving me to do my own. Once I did, we watched TV for a while, then he started kissing and it was warming up. I was about to stop it to leave when he came out and made a comment that after a while of a relationship going along nicely that he “likes to mix it up” and will let his “bad boy” come out. He said he would do things like cancel plans with me at the very last minute because something he rather do came along.
I told him that wasn’t a problem as long as he gave me enough notice to make other plans so my time wasn’t wasted. He said no, that it would be at the last minute, and why shouldn’t he go do something he liked better? I thought about it for a minute, looked back over the times I’d been with him, especially all the signals he had been giving me throughout the day, and I realized what I was dealing with. I figured out I was with a selfish brat narcissistic, probably abusive, and I felt like he was trying to set me up to expect less of him. Once I had him pegged, I instantly knew I had to get out of there immediately and have nothing more to do with him.
So, after taking in his bad boy comment, I replied back to him, “You wouldn’t do that with me if you ever wanted to see me again. Thank you for the warning.” I stood up, went over to where my car keys were sitting on a table, picked them up, went to the front door and left. I walked out on him and never looked back. I know he wasn’t expecting that! For once in my life, I had my eyes and ears open, didn’t believe a word he said, watched his behavior and believed that, and when the picture emerged, I didn’t waste another minute trying to change him or hope for the best. I just got out before any damage could be done.
In retrospect, I realize he was sizing me up to see if I took any Rx, had any jewelry and money, investments, where I lived, etc., and assumed I had $$$. He picked the wrong person! I know I’ve not heard from him either as he realized I really don’t have anything to offer him, and I’m certainly not going to have anything to do with him anyway.
I wish I had used my head in the past, but at least I did this time. I am grateful for your website for helping to ID a sociopath and pay attention to the signals. Also, the most important is to know not to get involved in the first place, because you cannot change the person and he’s not anyone you should have in your life anyway.
So, I dodged a bullet and the info on your website helped me to do just that.
Lorna, I liked your story – how it was written, what you communicated about how you protected yourself.
There is, one piece that doesn’t speak to self care and self protection – being physically intimate with someone you didn’t know, when you had already seen a lot of red flags.
I know that each of us is built differently (as to where our boundaries are with physical/ sexual intimacy), and i know i was much easier with who/ when i shared my body in my early 20’s, but i would advise people not to get physical when they have seen red flags.
I hope you don’t feel criticized by this – it’s not a criticism of you; you did a good job of taking care of yourself and extricating yourself, but i think you had blinders on in this regard.
Lorna, thanks for posting that wonderful story. It was great reading, and while I was reading it, I kept ticking off the red flags. I’m glad you got away from him. Congratulations.
It’s easier to see when it’s someone else’s life, or maybe when you’re looking at it after the fact, but I think these “red flags” are really something else. They are tests. These people are testing us. For our generosity, for our willingness to do what pleases them or serves them, and ultimately for our tolerance level, especially our tolerance with things that either make us uncomfortable or are clearly not in our best interest.
And, of course, the reason they’re testing us is to figure out whether we can be “had” in whatever way interests them. (That’s why one of my main defenses, when I think I may be targeted by a user, is to make myself “expensive” as a target, rather than easy.)
It’s interesting that the tests became a lot more blatant on your picnic trip with him than they had been before. And thank heavens you were pretty assertive all through this. Before this day, you did some things that I wouldn’t have. But I’m pretty conservative (post-spath) in my dealings with men I don’t know very well. But looking at this from a spath perspective, you already showed that you were willing to pay for things, take care of him, and basically carry the weight.
I also had a craigslist experience recently. I was visiting the site, looking for comparative prices on a travel trailer I need to sell. I saw there were personal ads, and I looked into them from curiosity. To my surprise, I found a man my age in the next town who was just looking for a conversation buddy, someone to talk about religion, politics, etc., with no relationship expectations otherwise. I love to talk about these things and so I wrote him a note.
It was an interesting and really creep experience as long as it lasted. His side of our correspondence started with how brave I was to respond to an ad on CL, then declarations of what a trustworthy and nice guy he is, then wanting to know what I wanted to talk about. All this in response to my intellectual and (I thought) amusing letter. I wanted to wow him, and I wouldn’t have answered the ad if he hadn’t sounded smart. A letter he completely ignored.
After a few back-and-forths, while I was trying to figure out WTF and he kept asking what I wanted to talk about, he informed me that I didn’t want to meet him in person and he thought we should have the conversation by e-mail. Need I add that, by this time, I’d done a little Googling and discovered he was a self-employed housesitter and also offered computer training services to old people who couldn’t figure out how to set up their e-mail.
In the last letter I sent him, which he didn’t answer (thank heavens), I told him that he might think it took courage to answer an CL ad, but I thought it took courage to show up. Because we have to leave fantasy land and discover the reality of who we are in person. And if he doesn’t have that much courage, I have more e-mail friends than I need already.
What this guy a spath? Well, it would be easier to tag him just a sad case. But you know, he was intending to use my precious time without giving me what I really had in mind. Which was getting out of the house to meet him at outdoor cafes or local parks where where we could get some sun, argue about how to change the world. So spath or not, he gets the same treatment. Either he fits into my plans and ideas of how I want thing to work, and hopefully contributes something to enrich them, or he goes away.
Boy, am I different than I used to be. I used to be interested in fitting into other people’s lives, caring more about whether they liked me, maybe thinking that I could learn something about living from them.
Now, I’m more conscious of whether someone is going to be a drain on my resources. I do give to charitable causes, but I don’t do it with people who are pretending that this is a relationship.
They definitely test us that is for sure. I just didn’t think people consciously did all these things. Seems to me like it would take a lot of energy to always be “testing” someone. I must have passed the test because toward the end he told me that he could see himself with me. At the time, I was really flattered, but much later down the road I realized he thought he could see himself with me because he probably thought I would be an “easy” wife…someone who would allow him to get away with a lot. I don’t know.
But I am craving him today. I don’t like that. I am keeping busy to divert it, but it’s not easy. He’s just in my head and will not go away, but that’s been forever now…not sure when it will ever go away. Don’t worry, I won’t contact him. I’ve gotten this far. I am not going to turn back now.
I don’t crave those mierdas.
I’m definitely anti-psycho and by-products, i don’t find them attractive anymore…Don’t know what has happened to me but there’s one supply less for them in the world. 🙂
Eva:
I agree…I also do not find them attractive anymore, but I guess because that one put a spell on me, I am sure if I saw him, I would still be attracted to him. But any new ones would never have a chance with me. I would hope though that even if I saw this one I would no longer want him.
Louise
I’m not attracted anymore to the ex “romantic” psychopath. I distrust him deeply. I know what i could expect from him. No, there’s no room for attraction anymore. Also take into consideration that in my case is more than a year i haven’t seen him, so i don’t miss him at all. I don’t miss his nonsense, manipulation and gaslighting
Eva:
Good for you!!!! Yipppeeee!!! I know I will get there. The longer I have no contact the closer I will get to that memory fading.
Louise
🙂 Yes, time helps but also helps very much the knowledge and acceptance of what they are. The memory fades also if one accepts those memories can’t be repeated in reality. Once the mask falls it can’t ever be the same. But we gain wisdom and maturity. We become more realistic, which is good, and we can even keep the good memories of them. After all it is not their fault if they were genetically predisposed to be deprived of deep emotions, but they’re simply not compatible with us.
Eva:
I agree. It takes all of those things coming together to finally forget about them and to accept it.
Louise
Yes, and you’ll even keep the good memories, which were real. But accepting that a project for future is not possible with any of those emotionally under developed creatures. LOL