By | June 8, 2011 227 Comments

Sociopaths and sex

Aren’t you getting sick of hearing about all these politicians and other powerful people who can’t control themselves? Are you wondering if they are all just sociopaths? Are all sex addicts also sociopaths?

In the wake of my own dismay at the sheer number of sex crazed politicians, I wanted to share some thoughts with you.

First of all, one of the psychopathy researchers I respect the most is Dr. Grant Harris. He has written a seminal paper COERCIVE AND PRECOCIOUS SEXUALITY AS A FUNDAMENTAL ASPECT OF PSYCHOPATHY He says that promiscuous, coercive and precocious sex is central to the psychopathy syndrome. However, if you look at the statistics on the PCL-R the most studied method of assessing psychopathy, the two items related to sex have the lowest item correlations with the total score and do not even seem to be related strongly to Factor 2 of that test which is a measure of impulsivity. So there doesn’t seem to be a particularly strong relationship between psychopathy and sex addiction. By that I mean not every sociopath/psychopath is obviously a sex addict.

In his book The Mask of Sanity, Hervey Cleckley commented that “impersonal sex” is part of the syndrome. He also noted though that psychopaths didn’t seem to like sex all that much. Many victims I have interviewed have mentioned that. Sociopaths seem to view sex as a weapon to be used on another person or withheld from another person to hurt them.

As Donna pointed out earlier in the week, there is a strong link between sex motivation and the perception of power; there is also a link between a person’s drive for power and their drive for sex that may be related to testosterone.

When I think about Arnold, Anthony, Elliott and Bill, what I find most striking is their ability to do what I would call dissociate because I can’t think of another word for it. In the moment they are conceiving, tweeting, meeting in the hotel or messing on a dress, thoughts about their families and all of us seem to be completely gone from their minds.

Another great thinker about psychopathy is Robert Reiber, Ph.D. who I had the good fortune to chat with about this very topic in person several years ago. He thinks that this ability to dissociate is what makes a psychopath. When I asked him what he thought about the idea that psychopaths are “without conscience.” He replied, “Of course they have a conscience.” He thinks though they have an uncanny ability to dissociate from their conscience and their memories.

Neither the ideas of Harris nor Reiber bode well for our politicians. But I have learned a lesson from my dogs that might be useful here.

My daughter and I have three Ibizan Hounds, they are sight hounds who also have this uncanny ability to dissociate. When they are hunting small prey they become so focused on the moment they forget we are there and run off. We have been able to prevent this from happening through the use of training collars. We very much wanted them to be able to run free in the woods, so we had to figure out a safe way to get them to come back. They easily learned to come to us to avoid a mild shock that the collars deliver via a remote that has a one mile range. There is also a vibrate button, so after the dogs were trained, the warning vibration is all that is needed. But I have noticed that when they wear the collars they do not become as engrossed in the hunt and they readily come back to my voice. Without the collars, I can be shouting right next to them and they don’t hear me.

So the answer is simple, politicians should wear the collar, and their spouses can keep the remote!

For more discussion about sociopaths and sex see:

Sexually violent predators

Eliot Spitzer and unrestricted sociosexual orientation

The psychopathic personality and human evolution

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Too funny! What a great idea!


Thanks…..but once my ‘dog’ runs free in the woods…..he AIN’T allowed back! ๐Ÿ™‚

Holly on the other hand…..

Funny and lighthearted Liane!!!!


Liane – I know where I would like to put the collar for MAXIMUM effect on my ex spath!! Boy would that be FUN. Give a whole new meaning to the term ‘jerk’.

lesson learned




What? what? Just saying…..


Candy….that would be FAR more effective…..or at least FUN! ๐Ÿ™‚
Shock sex therapy (doggy style)!!!!


Erin – LMAO – Electric Cock!

lesson learned

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Lawdy! Here we go!


Ox Drover

Liane, I had noticed years ago that when they are “working” together a male Border Collie is so intent on his working that he will completely IGNORE a bitch in full heat until the working is over and she will ignore him until the working is over, I never thought about that being dissociation but I guess it is….interesting!

The only difference between the collies and your dogs though, is that even when they ignore the sex, they do not ignore the handler’s commands but instantly respond. The collies have the inbred desire to please the handler (the alpha) more than anything else, even working. So a TRAINED collie will never ignore the alpha handler’s commands, though one that has not been trained is ‘HELL ON WHEELS” probably pretty much like your dogs—they get “deaf” when turned loose. Glad you found a way to control yours though so they don’t get out and run and get hurt or killed. I never let my collies run loose unless they were within my line of sight, and only ones who were completely reliable and trained.

Back to the subject at hand though, great article and with some very interesting information to think over. Thanks!


Oops! Should have read SHOCK… spelling is terrible.


and so is your fibbery!!! ๐Ÿ™‚


Or was that fibberyness.

Ox Drover

ROTFRLMAO SNORT CHOKE SNARK!!!!! Gosh you guys are taking that one and running with it aren’t you!

Yea, shock therapy would for for a lot of bad behavior I think! Problem is dogs are smarter than a lot of psychopaths though! But even dogs learn that if there is no collar on them there can’t be a shock, so you at least have to have a “dummy” collar on them to make them respond.

Now you guys behave, don’t make an old woman loose control of her bladder laughing! (((hugs)))


Hey Ox – I find Tena Lady works just fine for those……..female moments!!!

I once asked spath to share his past with me and he said ‘if you could see what is in my head it would scare you’. This was in the early stage. Didn’t realise it at the time but he MEANT it.

Had another aha moment today. Realised he only saw his daughter til the age of 4…..guess he went back to prison at that point because there was a gap in his story from age 24 – 30.

He also said that he’d been taken in handcuffs by plane to his country for a driving offence. Well DING DONG I think this was to take him to court and jail.

I’ve had so much clarity lately. Yet another piece to the puzzle.


You know what? I don’t think my X spath really liked sex either even though he portrayed that he did and was chasing every skirt that walked (if that makes any sense). And now looking back, I wonder if he was just turning everything around. He told me that his wife didn’t like sex (I wonder now if it was HIM who really didn’t like it). Then he had told me that after she had their second child, she just didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. Again, I wonder if it was him who didn’t want sex anymore after that…saw her as a mother now and not a sexual wife. It’s possible since I have found these lying manipulators will tell you something that is just the opposite of what happened. They love to “turn things around.”




Eb, I for one believe that spaths are impotent and need new sexual partners to arouse their interest.
I believe after a time they can no longer arouse excitement and must move on to a new partner in order to get it up!
As for the politician scandal’s lately I believe some of them may be sociopaths or sex driven but has anyone ever taken on the belief that maybe they’re being set-up?
Maybe these guys are just normal red-blooded guys and another politician, perhaps a “sociopath” is setting them up to take a fall so they get knocked out of the game.
This thought has occurred to me. Let’s face it politics can be a dirty game.



I am so glad you said this about spaths being impotent. As highly sexually charged as my X spath SEEMED to be, I suspected as such last year at one point. I think he took an ED drug the first night we were ever together because no man in his 40s can do it that many times without a recovery period. And what an excellent insight about needing new, exciting partners! I think I saw that happen right in front of my eyes. The first time it was like he couldn’t get enough, but by the 3rd or 4th time we were intimate, the urgency just wasn’t there anymore. Come on!!! That shouldn’t go away after 3 dates!!!! A “normal” man still would have been crazy interested. One thing that was a big tip off to me that something was wrong was the last time we ever met. I really wanted him and he knew it and he just left! Looking back, I truly think it’s because he knew he wouldn’t be able to perform because he hadn’t taken his ED drug and didn’t have it with him. Geez. Sigh.

As far as the politicians, I don’t have any insight into that unfortunately.


The ability to do immoral things and still believe you love your wife: I think the word is COMPARTMENTALIZATION.


I know of a few men that are all about the pursuit, once they have conquered they lose interest, so on to the next pursuit and the next and the next, never caring about the emotional damage they have left behind, it’s a sickness of some kind, dont know if that makes em spath or not but there are men out there like that everywhere, I have a nephew that does this, he is a classic Narcissist just like his father. Always in the pursuit of some ‘strange.’ They love the challenge, I am sure it’s all about power and an inability to love.


My ex spath really enjoyed sex a lot-especially with me. He had ZERO trouble getting it up with me. He was also very good at it. After I was sexually assaulted 18 years ago I was never able to enjoy sex until he came into my life. The first time we had sex was my first orgasm given to me by someone other than myself. We both did it at the same time and that happened on other occasions too. I finally knew what sex was supposed to feel like with him-that and me quitting smoking, were the only GOOD things that came out of the relationship. He also loved giving oral sex to me and always did it right off to make sure I was satisfied before we went any further. The way he was in the bedroom was all that I ever wished for in a romantic partner. He was terrific and very considerate.



Lucky you!!!



I think that was my X spath totally. Only after the pursuit. Especially being married and not being able to make a commitment to anyone. One after the other.


eb-I was very lucky in that manner but all that greatness goes away with what he did in the end. He knew that he had a choice to make-continue to be with me and have his social life change drastically, or go back with her and maintain the status quo. It was be married to a pretty younger female police officer (me) and have a baby, or go back and keep all his fancy friends, social engagements, and not get to have the other kid he said he wanted. That social life was SO DAMN important to him. He was only friends with other doctors and his wife was friends with their wives. He knew that with her gone and me with him that I would not be accepted with the wives and that status would go away. The plans he was making with me were less important. He ended up telling me that he never loved me and used me for sex. I later spoke with him three months after and he told me that all that he said was a lie-it was to make him feel better about leaving me if he could convince himself that he never loved me. He said it would be so much easier for him to go back to her. That’s when he told me that all the things that he said to her about me, were lies. He wanted her to believe that I was not important but he also said that he would tell her whatever lie he had to , to make her believe it.


my n sire had a dog who wore a collar for the electronic fence; but he would take the shock if what was going down the road was more interesting. just sayin….



So he was telling her lies about you and he was telling you lies about her. Doing both to keep you both. Until the end when he had to make a choice and then it was even more lies. They will almost always choose to keep their current lifestyles. I have seen very few leave. They want to ruin EVERYONE’S lives…girlfriend, wife, kids, but they still want to come out on top.

Weinergate is far worse than we thought! NY Congressman Anthony Weiner is certainly a candidate for multiple electric shock collars. The NY Post is all over the story:

Weiner and Nevada woman exchanged raunchy messages, planned to meet – including a PDF of their sext messages!

The “dork knight”

Weiner coached porn star to lie for him


Wow, Weiner is a spath. Notice how in the first article it says he disappears for months and then just pops up again. When the woman asks him where he has been he says where have YOU been when all the while she had been trying to contact him.


Then in “Dork Knight” he says he is dying of boredom…another spath trait…they get bored very easily…need that stimulation.


Well, my x-spath must have outrageous levels of testosterone because he was ALWAYS horny (he just turned 43 and no slowing down either). He masturbated in between the frequent daily sex we had. Often he’d wake me up once or more times during the middle of the night. He was really into porn too. If I said no, he’d usually beg and if I continued to say no, that’s when he’d be his most verbally abusive. Tried not to say “no” too much!

And that was just with me. Of course, there were always other women during our 5 years together, although I chose not to believe that for a long time, despite the AMPLE evidence.

Because of that, missing the sex with him is what I’m having the hardest time with. Couple that with the fact that his new victim is 14 years younger than me, thinner and cuter, and she lives on a road I need to drive by at least a few times a day. If I happen to look down her road while I’m driving by, I can’t help but see if his car is in her driveway, so I have to make a point to look the other way.

I don’t want him back at all, but it KILLS ME thinking of him having sex with her, a mile from my house, even though I’m sure he’s cheating on her too.

Also, he loves to touch and be touched (or pretended to anyway), so we’d be holding each other all night while we slept, and I’m missing that part badly too.



I get ALL that. My X spath just turned 44 last week and the same way…very sexual…a ton of testosterone. I thought men slowed down even if just a little in their 40s, but I guess not. I can’t even begin to imagine what he must have been like his 20s….YIKES!!! Just like Weiner is in his 40s. Geez.

You are still struggling. I have struggled with thinking about the OW also. I still do it…I have images of them together all the time. You would think I was his wife or something!!! I don’t know why it bothered me so badly. I never felt that way about any other man as far as thinking about them with another woman. It was a mind f*ck that is for sure. Mine also loved to touch and be touched…sigh. It is hard to give up and not think about, but we have to FOCUS on what they REALLY are…no good, spath, soul sucking, not human bastards. No regard for anyone but themselves. It’s very sad. We will be OK, they will NOT.

By the way, I am the former little eb.


louise – as in ‘thelma and…’? ๐Ÿ™‚



Not exactly, but good thinking! ๐Ÿ™‚


abbri – they are all put together differently i suspect, and i aslo suspect that their are subsets within spathdom.

that said, none of them are having sex to increase their intimacy with anyone. but i do believe that one subset is well aware of the chemical experience of sex and are hyper-sexual because they are after the feel good hormones involved. because really – without REAL connection to anything, they must be pretty devoid of pleasure…oh, except for the pleasure they get from scamming and hurting us.


must get back to work, but have a report to make: the crazy boy upstairs started losing it again yesterday – the upside of that is that he wrote ‘FREAK’ on the apt. door or the db upstairs and was banging on his door at 4 am (db gets up then anyway). Upside is – just maaaaaaybe the crazy boy’s actions will drive the db out of the building before the crazy boy moves out in a couple of weeks. fingers crossed. ๐Ÿ™‚ (man, the shit that makes ME happy….)



That’s my middle name! (The one it took ex-spath 3 years to remember, even though we were living together, although never married, thank god!)

He was often obviously in physical or emotional discomfort if he didn’t get release whenever it came upon him, at least once a day but usually more. He was in the Marines in his early 20s and I often wonder how he got through basic training, etc.

It IS getting better every day, and it hasn’t been that long for me (3 months since our final breakup–he started seeing her two days later), although we were together for a few different periods of time since then when I screwed up NC (so he’s already cheating on her with me). So in actuality the last time I was with him was only about two weeks ago.

That last time we were together though, was the first time I’d been with him since I fully understood what he is and the ramifications, so I saw him in a different light, and it was much easier this time when he ran back to her. So much easier that I now know I NEVER want him back.

If only I didn’t have to drive by her house… ๐Ÿ™‚



Thank God you were never married to him or had a child. Whew…you escaped that one. It makes me feel sorry for my X spath’s wife really. They have two children and she has been with him a long time. I can’t imagine what her head is like from dealing with him all these years.

Yeah, you haven’t really been away from him that long; when I think back to where you are now, it was really hard at that point…really hard, but it gets easier, it does! And as you see, there he was cheating on her with you!!! And you with her! They are just sick. What is there to want back? That’s what I tell myself. Even if I could have this man, WHY would I want him? That makes it much easier to deal with!

I wish you didn’t have to drive by her house either. How is it that he hooked up with someone who lives so close to you??? Was there something to that??

new winter

The sex thing has bothered me so much (moreso than almost anything else) and left me unable to connect emotions with sex, which always mattered to me. When I met him, I was a virgin, and that seemed to be the most important thing in the world to him. I remember when we first met, he asked if I was a whore (strange question, huh?) and when I told him I was a virgin, he pursued me even more aggressively than before. When he did take my virginity, I was convinced it was the most important thing in the world. After, he said “That was the most meaningful sex I’ve ever had.”

Clearly it wasn’t, since he ended up cheating on me and destroying every bit of confidence I’ve ever had, but I just wonder if he says that to every guy. I wonder if he has some sick obsession with taking peoples’ virginity. I remember when I finally confronted him about all of this (I had leverage and demanded an apology in exchange for something he needed), and even his apology seemed insincere, almost creepy. He said: “There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about what I took from you.”

That just doesn’t seem normal to me. I also remember back in the beginning of our relationship, he said to me one night: “Good night, sweet prince.”

I didn’t realize this until after the breakup, but that’s a line from Hamlet. It’s what Brutus says right after murdering him. It has absolutely no other meaning

I used to think I was just being paranoid, but ever since I found this site I’ve been wondering if he really is a complete psycho with some messed up ritual.


Abbri-I feel your pain and I’m sorry you’re going through it. Mine was also very sexually active with me for his age too. He was 53 and I was 36. He always wanted it and if we couldn’t, then he would want to cuddle and snuggle. He was very affectionate with me. He also denied ever masturbating. I got him to do it over the phone one night when he was sleeping at the hospital in his room. He called me saying how much he missed me and that he wanted to hold me and make love to me. He knew that it couldn’t happen then and he said that he couldn’t stand not being able to be with me that night. I talked him through it and got him to do it. He taught me what sex was supposed to feel like. I never had an orgasm from someone other than myself and it was far better than what I could do for myself.


Hi, I was successful at divorcing my ex sociopath/narcissist and achieving physical custody. However, he is abusing my 4 year old daughter sexually and emotionally. We have two thorough psych evals done that have recommended supervised visits only and one said he even said it should be done in clinical setting. However, the local DHS has been played by my ex in a large way and I am the one viewed as the trouble maker. I will point out that I was not the one who made the sexual abuse allegations, it was my daughter’s therapist and our home worker. Despite this, DHS will absolutely not listen to anything and are ignoring everyone that says anything bad about the father. I do not get it and I don’t know how to counter the damage he has done with DHS. My daughter sits and prays for her time with him to go really fast and then prays her time at home to go really slow before she has to see him again. As is predictable, my daughter refused to talk anymore about anything to do with him. Anyone out there have this situation and succeeded? I need your help please!

Ox Drover

New winter,

Just be glad you are not with him any more! He does indeed sound CREEPY! Just keep on reading and learning and growing and healing.

Ox Drover

Dear Desperate mom,

click on Dr. Liane Leedom’s web link here “parenting the at risk child” I hope you can find some help there and some support from Dr. Leedom and some of the other parents there.

I can’t even imagine how much pain you and your daughter must both be in. God bless you both, you will be in my prayers.

new winter


Yep I know you are right I’m lucky ๐Ÿ™‚ For me, the hardest part of recovery is that as I start to feel better, I keep wondering if “oh maybe if I was this strong & confident when I was with him, I would have been good enough for him”

But then I remember how I was perfect and flawless and his soulmate just the way I used to be (until, of course, he decided I was crazy and bipolar, coincidentally the day he started cheating on me). I think that smear campaign is a huge red flag for spath.

But how can I get rid of those thoughts that he would like me better now that I’m strong and secure?

Hope to heal

New Winter ~ Ridding yourself of the thoughts about him liking you better…

I guess first, you need to realize that the person you thought he was DOES NOT EXIST. He truly is NOT the person that he professed to be. It was an ACT, a character in his own little “play”.

Being your first, I can surely understand why he is hard to get over. The first heartbreak is very hard. No doubt about that. I am so sorry that your “first time” was with one of these creatures.

You deserve to have REAL love in your life. Please try to remember that. ((((hugs))))



“I guess first, you need to realize that the person you thought he was DOES NOT EXIST.”

This is the best possible advice but difficult to accept. Even if not an overt actor, all sociopaths use mirroring tactics to present to you the image of a person they think you are looking for.

Thus, they fool you into thinking you have found a soul mate.

Hope to heal

BBE ~ Yes, difficult but not impossible. It is the FIRST step. That is ALWAYS the hardest one to take. It is NECESSARY to begin the healing process.



This is where sites like Lovefraud offer a great service. Once I learned of “mirroring” I was able to see the difference between those who are genuine and sociopaths who mirror.

One clue are “little things.” Every time I talked to my x-spath there seemed to be another little thing we had in common. This caused to ignore that we had few “big” things in common…

After the x-spath, I was fortunate enough to meet and date some very nice people. While these relationships did not work out for a variety of reasons, I don’t remember a single moment where any of these guys pointed out to me that we had this or that “little thing” in common…


blue eyes

i agree.

We were having an argument over the future of our relationship my spath said to me “I’m not who you think I am. You think I’m this suave polished guy, I’m not”.

I dismissed it. I thought he was being hard on himself.

Now I realize what he was saying was true. He was pretending to be who I wanted him to be.

Wow, it was quite a play.

I am going to my weekly therapist appt tonight. I wonder if I am spending too much time on this versus just moving on in my life. How long does this take? How much is too much ruminating (sp?).



New Winter
The Shakespeare ref “good night sweet prince” has a further meaning. It’s a Machiavellian reference. More creepy than you thought…


I love this blog. Everybody rumiating similar subjects. The rumiating club ๐Ÿ˜€

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