Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a young woman whom we’ll call “Adriana.” The name in the story below has been changed.
This is a story about two girls who were on the same sports team in high school. Both showed lots of potential and both won lots of achievement awards ”¦ Both went on to do athletics in college. One was a sociopath ”¦ the other was shy and introverted.
I was the introvert. Other people saw my success, but I just enjoyed athletics and was not seriously competitive… I was excellent because I enjoyed it. As strange as that sounds. I moved a lot as a kid… This last high school was the one I went to the longest: three years. Little did I know, but this was to be the worst three years of my life. People always said when I was young that I was very sweet but seemed sad ”¦ I look back on it now and see I was a perfect target. I was funny, charming, but reserved. I modeled in New York in the summers. Lots of people at the school liked me, but I was too shy to be social ”¦ and I also knew always ”¦ for some inexplicable reason to stay away from Katie and her friends.
It was strange because I saw this person every day for hours at practice, but I knew I should never even hope to be her friend. Of course there was always a hierarchy of girls at every school I went to, but Katie and her friends in particular were very scary. The more I got to know Katie, the more I was aware that she was somehow better than I was. I was somehow less than her. It was strange. But I ignored it. The day at practice when she learned I modeled in New York during the summers she got up and left practice and did not return even the next day. No one else thought anything of this ”¦ And I didn’t want to either, but it bothered me ”¦ I ignored it. After all I didn’t want to think she was somehow jealous of a person like me ”¦ I thought it was wrong to assume such things about people ”¦ When she came back she started making little comments about me. For example that I was “weird” or that I “had to wear a lot of makeup.”
She requested to play the position I played on the team and didn’t do as well as I did, but said it was easy. The little things she did really wore me down, but I ignored it. In truth, I was a loner and a bit strange. I saw some truth in everything she said. And that would be my downfall. I wanted to believe the things she said, because I am a person who likes to listen.
There were other stresses in my life when I was young ”¦ One day I just snapped. There were some girls talking about how Katie was the best on the team and how she was such a nice person. I told them, “No, she’s horrible like really *(&^^ horrible.” And it got back to her. She used this to pretend she was the victim to my jealousy and how I always wanted to be like her. People at school, namely the boys she flirted with, bullied me at her request. She even got her friends to say things to me she wanted them to, which is disturbing.
I had always been wary of her, but other people really do like her. She was the president of my class for example.
This is a description on how she treats most people:
Katie knows what she has to offer. And she knows how to market herself to the masses. She is obsessively religious. In fact, people joke about how religious she is. She is always talking about Jesus and the Bible. She prays where people can see her pray and as often as she possibly can. She acts sickly sweet to most people. She talks about being positive all the time. She smiles all the time. She works hard and is talented but does the minimum requirements to reach goals. She uses the fact that she “works hard” and “is talented” to gain respect from people ”¦ She uses everything she knows she has.
This is how she treats her targets:
1. At first she waits till you are alone to say the meanest things to you in the nicest ways. If you say to another person that you dislike her, you’ve got to be careful because she has “followers” (often people who support her because she is “religious”).
2. She waits until you do something she can use to destroy you. It could be anything. A bad joke for example.
3. After she has found something to make you look bad she will use tactics 1 and 2 to break you down, and attack you with a small group of friends.
4. When she has hurt you enough to make you try to either apologize for perceived “wrongdoing” or confront her about how she is treating you, she’ll turn what you say around and make it sound like you hate her and have a problem with her. At this point she tells specific people who honestly are not very intelligent or brave that you’re being mean to her ”¦ She has groups who she manipulates because they are loyal to her, etc. ”¦ The harassment is bad, but she makes you see the ugliness in normal people ”¦ And that is worse.
5. This can turn into isolation and repeated harassment of the target ”¦ A few of the people who she got to harass me actually apologized to me a year after we all graduated from high school ”¦ But I’ve found when you’re dealing with a sociopath you can’t expect things from people because they are being deceived.
6. She is a self-preservationist. Everything she does to hurt someone is done in a way that will keep her removed from the “situation;” she won’t ever acknowledge that she even has a problem with you. The problem is completely yours. And the people who are harassing you. She (apparently) has nothing to do with it ”¦ When in reality ”¦ She is completely responsible for all of the pain the target experiences. In fact if you are in a group with her and her friends and they are being cruel to you, she will not say anything, in fact, she may even leave to make you think, she doesn’t really want this to be happening. But she does, she is completely responsible. She knows exactly what she is doing.
A person may think that I do not quality to write on this topic because I was young ”¦ or this treatment is not stressful to a person ”¦ but being harassed by two to three groups of people because of the encouragement by one person ”¦ no matter what age ”¦ is horrible.
This is how I’ve healed myself:
To be honest I still relapse into disgust over this person’s beyond hypocritical nature. And it is really depressing how witnessing the reality of this person’s complete lack of ethics has hurt me so deeply. I was not romantically involved a sociopath, so I felt nothing towards her other than a deep wish we could have been teammates ”¦ or even friends. So I think my story can help people who have tried to share their love with sociopaths, because I wished this person could have been my teammate, my friend ”¦ for a very long time ”¦
I see what could have been. But it is all a lie. Because the charm this person exudes to other people, never to me, is superficial. There is nothing the people she “loves” can really get from her, unless they are benefitting her in some way. Which could be called a kind of attachment. But honestly, only certain people are interested in that kind of relationship.
I have blocked this person from all means of communicating with me and forgiven myself for attempts to “reconcile” with them. I have accepted that anytime I try to fix “the situation” with Katie, it will only end with pain and disappointment on my end. I have accepted that people all over the world will think of her as a kind, attractive, charming, sweet Christian. When in reality she is only attractive ”¦ manipulative, lying, and completely self-serving.
It’s beyond hard, I find, even to this day, to accept how hypocritical she is to get what she wants. Because she is a complete hypocrite. I think that the reason why she talks to profusely about being a Christian is to hide her real intentions. She acts so charming to hide her insatiable desire to obtain material wealth. Which she will surely find.
I am not her only target; she doesn’t have many but a handful of people are aware of her nature. These people tend to think she is very intelligent for being able to manipulate people like she does. I got tired of hearing this, so I tried for a while to act as she does. It is not intelligence. It is just strange behavior.
She is made very differently than others. She is a person who is intelligent, but she is not brilliant, or even remarkably intelligent. I was able to anticipate whatever she was doing before she did it; I just didn’t act on my intuition. Fiercely believing all people are good and some are just temporarily mislead, I was only vulnerable to her because of my accepting personality type.
So I have learned to screen absolutely anyone who tries to insult me. (because if you do not allow people to hurt you they can’t). It’s an art to diffuse people with personality types opposite of your own. But it’s just a skill. One that I think all victims of sociopaths are aware they need.
I’m proud that I need the skill to deal with sociopathic types ”¦ Because manipulation is not natural to me ”¦ I seek truth and love always ”¦ I seek for every place around me to be filled with happiness and true synergy ”¦ Which is something she can never deliver!
I have found a new pride and fearlessness in loving myself for who I am, because I have met someone who, without reservation, chases after monetary gain and fame. I have realized, albeit painfully, I have the natural desire to construct, to support, to understand and promote people ”¦ while she only has the desire to get what she wants. And because in my heart I want to love and care for the people around me ”¦ I have found a sense of peace that is rare, that people like Katie will never know or understand. Because they do not seek to share their existence with the world. They try to build a palace out of lies and manipulation. People will always admire them. But I know how they really are. And there is something rare and almost divine about that.
I saw Katie the other day at a prestigious art show. She was wearing a lace mini dress off the runway and four-inch heels, talking to a bunch of business men ”¦ holding a glass of wine coyly in her hand. I was wearing a nice black dress and the Ann Taylor stilettos I’ve had for five years ”¦ I was with an artist ”¦ I walked past her and she did not see me ”¦ then I turned around, stood, waved, and smiled at her ”¦ She looked stunned, like I was a ghost ”¦ I just turned and walked away.
Oxy,
Good point, though I think what you say is more true of The Passion of the Christ (which was admittedly over the top) than of Braveheart. You could probably have edited Braveheart a bit, but when you have something that good, I say don’t mess with it!
A better example might have been “Saving Private Ryan,” which I liked, though not as much as Braveheart. In that film, the first half hour (where they showed the storming of the beaches at Normandy), was probably the most violent movie scene ever. But I think that’s an example of where the ethical theme (i.e., moral and physical courage in the face of death) was made that much clearer by the “unedited” display of blood and carnage. In other words, you could have made it less “gory,” perhaps, but I fear that would have diluted the message to some extent.
Still, I think you’re right overall that less is probably more in most of these cases.
But thanks again to Adriana for writing an article that led us from the subject of “mean girls” to the gladiators and the Fall of Rome, to William Wallace, Lizzy’s cat, One Joy’s digestion – and then back again to Hollywood and Larry Flint!
good morning/night Constantine,
I didn’t see passion of christ because I figured it was over the top (I”m catholic), but I saw Saving Private Ryan and Braveheart.
IMO, Saving Private Ryan was the best. none of the violence was gratuitious because it was war as we (moderns) can relate to. And therefore it was empathy that we (moderns) can relate to. Soldiers were willing to die for private Ryan so that his mom wouldn’t lose another son. That is empathy.
Braveheart was about dying for a cause (as far as I remember it). Lots of people have causes that we can’t relate to. As humans (vs. spaths) we can relate to a mother who as lost all her sons – save one – to war.
Sad to think of a mother who has lost her son to psychopathy. There is nobody to save them or her. My spaths mom died in 2009 wondering what went wrong and why he hated her so much.
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had the creepiest dream about n sire.
i never dream about him.
he was dapperly dressed, and probably in his 40’s (possibly 50’s – but he looked changed like he was going on to live a new life). he came to my apt (but not the one i actually live in now) with a bag of spring rolls.
i tried to avoid him (i was very anxious), but he came in through the unlocked back door, put the spring roll bag in my hand (he was holding a much larger bag, too.) and he said ‘goodbye’. (money as food and the erstwhile fake love) sigh, the unlocked door went directly into my bedroom.
he said there were no pictures of him in the apt – indication of my worth. he asked about one in particular (which is actually a pic of my grandparents – his pedo dad and his mom). i lied and said that the glass had gotten broken in the move. he started looking behind the dresser – i couldn’t remember where i had put it and i was nervous that he would find it. but he found a rather small rather fancy empty frame.
then we were out at the land. and the folks who bought the farm house had redone it so that it was a monster house. we were sitting on a raised cement patio around the house and talking. a small dog was there and a little child showed up. we were all sitting very close, the toddler and the puppy crawling over his reclinging form and between me and him. (I am sitting up with one leg tucked under me)i was telling him that i wanted to build out there and that mom had given me that land, etc. he started in with, well’ there will be some problems….(about building out there) and the little child (girl toddler (hi sky 😉 ) said, ‘you don’t really love her’, and he said something to the effect of ‘no, not really’.
then i woke. i am sick so with a flu thing – that might be part of what pushed this puss out of me.
Hmmm, interesting discussion about what makes this world so spathic at large…
I’m coming to believe more and more that a part of that is popular culture and scenarists who know zilch about personality disorders, and if they do, they portray it in a heroic light.
From one victim to all the others… how much can you still stomach TV shows and movies? And even if you can stomach them, how often do you catch yourself thinking, “whoever wrote this knows abolutely nothing of humanity.”
In the past few weeks I watched The Usual Suspects, Lost (season 1) and Dangerous Liasons. They’re all some of my favourite movies and shows.
The first portrays a psychopath exactly for what he is: a liar and actor, with a pity play gimmick (he fakes a gimp). How easily he can come up with lies and fake emotions of distress and play the weak fool is shown by the end of the movie. Any spath is like Keiser Soze. But Keiser Soze gets admiration for his spathic abilities. Worse, and this I now find the weak point in the movie… A myth is told that Keiser Soze murdered his wife and children to spare them from the trauma of the rape they endured by other criminals… that he actually felt human emotions for his wife and children. And this is the one thing in the movie that enables a viewer to find an empathic connection to the mass murderer.
I find Lost still a great series, with great acting. But whenever I watch Sawyer or Kate now I can’t help but think… you’re very fictional characters. By all other accounts of the life led in the past you’d be considered spaths: conning, lying, manipulating and running from any type of responsibility. And yet you show pained and remorseful looks in private moments, like no spath ever does. Of course they are fictional characters who we are supposed to symapthize with. They are staged as the exception of the actual evil people, troubled by their violent childhood and abuse. But that’s the problem. the majority of movies and tv shows show the exceptional, and hereby makes it the expected norm. It is this that creates this collective mass illusion within society that bad people are not really bad, but have human feelings, remorse and guilt, and that at some point in their lives they will see the light and will live the remainder of their days as a good person. Worse, most of the time, they’re changed around because of loving someone.
Dangerous Liaisons is about two spaths who love nothing more than wreck the lives of others, to destroy their reputation, to destroy their victims mentally and emotionally, to play games with each other. It’s a great story portraying spaths for what they are, except for the male character. Like any spath he pursues the most virtuous of women. She withstands his lovebombing for a long time, aided by the warnings from a friend. When he finds out who warned her, he takes his revenge by raping the daughter of the woman who warned his prey. Eventually his prey relents to his pursuits. Once he has her, he breaks cruelly with her, leaving her heartbroken. He wants to collect his prize with the female spath, because he had won his bet with her that he could seduce the virtuous woman, but she does not want to give in. War ensues between the two spaths, and he tries to mess up her plans with other victims of hers. She counters this by revealing his rape of the young girl to her wannabe lover, who challenges him to a duel. So far so good: both true spath in everything. But now comes the twist: as he is exhausted in the duel, he realizes that he acutally loved the virtuous woman after all and deeply regrets breaking her heart. He finds he cannot live without her (she’s dangerously ill) and throws himself onto the rapier of his opponent. He makes his peace with the other guy as he lies dying, requests him to tell the virtuous woman that he truly loved her, and gives him letters of the other spath that exposes her. It’s not the scenarist’s fault, but the 18th century author. But yet again, another famous story of a spath true and true, but he eventually sees the error in his ways. UGH! Puke! At least the female spath never gets this unrealistic character redemption.
And just 2 nights ago they showed a movie with Ashton Kutchner as a spath… cleanly explaining how he parasites on the lives of older, rich women, uses his flings and the other non-rich women who are in love with him purely for sex. He meets his match in another spath. But what do you expect happens next? Yup, they both fall in love with eahc other. She ends up choosing to marry a rich man anyway. And he, finally reformed from his wicked ways, starts his first job as a delivery man.
The popular culture, may it be romance novels or movies or tv shows, where a spath remains an unredeemed and unremorseful spath are far and few. No wonder that society as a whole doesn’t have a clue.
As for the mean girls… I wasn’t bullied as much, but rather ignored. Although a few times I’ve endured taunts by these girls and their followers. Some of them have actually grown out of their nast behaviour, but then I only meet them by chance, and I don’t have any interest in making those chance meetings more permanent. Others I’m sure haven’t at all. I don’t go to reunions, and none of them are in my personal life. I don’t see the point. All those reunions serve for purpose is to prove to each other what a succesful life they lead, and I have no wish whatsoever to jump into that kind of rat race. What made my life succesful in my own eyes and what I want out of life is different from what the majority of them want. So there’s no comparison to start out with.
Good on you Adriana! I hope the best for you.
Hi Constantine,
yes, I went to catholic schools. It’s where they teach you to be a dupe for spaths.
OneJoy,
hmm… difficult dream to decipher. All in all it seemed to be a confirmation of what you already know: he puts himself first because that’s who he cares for the most.
He kept the bigger bag for himself, he asked about pictures of himself, then he told you what you had deduced as a child – that he is not really capable of loving.
The unlocked door to your bedroom seem to say that you feel your inner sanctuary is not very well defended and that you need better boundaries against this man. He does not have your interests at heart.
Darwinsmom,
when I see movies in which the spath ends up having a “heart of gold”, I think it was written by spaths. They want us to continue being duped, having hope and trying to rescue them. What better way to keep us believing than with television PROGRAMMING? (even the word “programming” is a tell)
Hi Skylar,
I wanted to watch the tv show “A Gifted Man” because he the same actor as the guy who played the husband in Angels in America. I thought it sounded nice!
After about twenty minutes or so, I said to my husband “I have to shut this off, there’s waaay to much drama” I could actually feel myself getting anxious! He delt with more drama in 20 min. than most people do in a half a lifetime. It was awful. Running from disaster to disaster…not for me 🙂
Skylar,
That may be of course one of the reasons… but the problem lies in the writing of a “good story”. Lead character set up is along these lines: flawed character -> character goes through series of events that are the consequence of the flaws -> character grows up. Starting a story with a perfect lead with no flaws makes for a bland story. There’s no story arch for them. The problem of course is that over the past 2 centuries leads have become more and more flawed starting out, into the spath realm, and then are subjected to the growth arch with redemption. And then there’s the factor of readers and viewers who don’t want to watch and read a story where the lead learns nothing. And the anti-hero has become most popular. I experience this myself when I write. I’m nowhere near my end, but I had a villainous narcistic woman in it, and originally I had the idea of at least realizing what fatal mistakes she made, how she aided the ruin of her country. Now I’ll let her die thinking she was the sole one who had tried to divert a war, if only everybody had listened to her and had done as she wanted them to.
It seems I have to content myself with popular culture of the romantic period: at least the spaths are kept as they are. – unredeemable spaths who get away with everything anyway, while the lead learns to see them for what they are and overcomes them, or ends up ruined.
Ana,
But that’s what tv is about: drama rama!
I looked up the show. It sounds interesting. It appears to be about a jerk with redeemable qualities – just as darwinsmom was saying, its a good setup for drama.
When we are talking about real life and not drama, the question is: what are you likely to get when you meet a jerk with redeemable qualities? Can these jerks change and be redeemed? Is it worth watching? In my limited experience, the answer is no. They may not be spaths, maybe only N’s, yet there is little or no incentive for a person to give up their PD if they don’t have a better survival mechanism to replace it.
The bigger question is: why are WE attracted to these “broken” characters? Why do they make great television “programming”?
Is it because we know that we will get drama by entering their circle? And drama makes US feel special?