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By | November 17, 2008 185 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I have looked into the eyes of Satan

Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, we’ll call him Jeff, sent the following e-mail to tell his story.

In 1981, I met the woman who later became my wife when we worked together in a furniture factory. She was 44 and married and I was a 30-year-old single “Christian.” What started out as a frequently adversarial interaction became a friendship within a year, and by 1982, she was telling me how horrid her marriage was because her husband was so loveless and mistreated her. White knight that I thought I was, I let my sympathy turn into action and eventually was convinced I loved her, which led to her inviting me to her home on an evening when her youngest daughter and husband were gone. It now seems apropos that I became an adulterer on Halloween.

From 1983 on to mid-1985, we had a relationship where she would send me loads of love letters and cards, and I would frequently come by her home during the day, since we were now both laid off from work. Once, she shared with me that she had six other lovers before me. Although that made me a little skeptical, I decided she really loved me and stayed with her.

In 1985, she called me from a pay phone in town and asked me to come and get her. When I picked her up, she told me her husband had kicked her out of the house and then tried to make up but she told him it was too late. She was grinning about it. I took her to live with me in a small trailer. That didn’t last long, because I came home one day and my elderly landlady was standing at the front door of the trailer, which was open with my woman, I’ll call her Sally, standing in it. My landlady was fuming. She told me that she had never been treated so terribly in her life, that “that woman” called her an old bag and a host of four-letter words, telling her to drop dead. I looked at Sally, who looked like she had no idea what was going on. Then I turned to my landlady and served her notice that we were moving.

“Dear John”

Within a month, we got an apartment. She got her divorce finalized in December. We both worked evenings; she at a family restaurant and I at a plastics factory in a town 12 miles away. Our only difference in schedules was that she had Wednesday nights off, while I had just the weekends. But Sally would leave during the day quite frequently, most of the time claiming she was going to help her youngest daughter with her new twins. She would be gone for anywhere from two to three hours each time she left and I never questioned it. In 1988, I got another evening job at a factory 45 miles away for slightly better money. That ended up being about $12 per hour. But the following year, I was hit by rheumatoid arthritis. It wracked my entire body with pain to the point that I couldn’t do normal functions, sometimes even unable to sleep. I began to work sporadically because of the flares. But one night in late 1989, I came home to find a “Dear John” letter. She was gone and had already moved all of her belongings out. I went to pieces and started drinking profusely, throwing my stuff around the house in my swings from anger to despair.

Proposed marriage

That led to me getting a room in the town 12 miles away and I worked when I could at the factory up north. But I couldn’t keep up because of the arthritis, so I took an extended disability leave. A month later, I had been notified by my former landlady that there were still some things to be taken out of the old apartment, so I went over — and found my father inside, with Sally standing behind him. She smiled and took me in her arms, and it looked like our relationship was renewing. In April of 1990, I proposed to her and she accepted. Our first home was the very efficiency she had moved to when she left me in 1989. The landlord also ran a high-tech hardware business out of the top floor of the building, and he was generally there during the day to work with a small team of employees. Even though I was out of my job on long-term disability, I was seeking therapy and vocational rehab to get me into another job more conducive to my condition. That took me out of the house on most weekdays, and she still worked evenings at the restaurant.

Living off insurance and her earnings wasn’t keeping our heads above water. She had told me she had been working for the landlord after she first moved in. She was continuing that, and when I got a job with the federal government as a GS-4, I also started working for the landlord to make up part of our rent. I had all the credit cards because none of the companies would approve any for her, and since we didn’t earn much, she encouraged me to buy a lot on credit. Furnishings, cookware, eating out on Saturdays, all went on credit.

After working at two different factories, I had developed a lot of friends, male and female. They invited me to parties and weddings. At first, Sally went to them. But then she started refusing to go on the grounds that they were my friends. That turned into several talks with me when she insisted that we were supposed to be best friends, and when I had her for a friend, why did I need all the others? So, I began to let my friendships fall by the wayside, one by one.

Sally’s complaints

About two years after marrying, we started having some bumpy spots. They were mainly Sally complaining about me belittling her (I had no idea how and she never told me), not being supportive, and looking at other women. She was the one doing the shouting. These moments didn’t last long, so I thought nothing of them. But I did notice that, through time, she had acquired a very profound knowledge of our landlord. She knew all about his business, about his likes and dislikes, his family, and his employees. But I let that go over my head. In 1994, there was a time that the landlord offered us a better, bigger apartment while she was at work. He ended up lying about the price the former tenants paid, so I said no and I told Sally about it when she got home. And she defended him. No matter what I said, she had something to counter it. I finally looked at her silently, then said, “when a woman takes a stranger’s word over her own husband, there’s something wrong.” But I let that go after a while, too.

We moved across town in 1995. After being there for nearly a year, the fighting started. It was all vocal, and it was still the same accusations, with something new”¦we weren’t having sex as often as we used to. Those arguments didn’t blow over so easily. We moved again in 1996, to an apartment about a block away from where we had first lived when we married. From that point on, I began to feel irritable once in a while, and found myself facing occasional bronchitis and other ailments, in addition to my arthritis. A few times, she would start complaining about something again and I tried to discuss it with her — such as my refusal to talk much about my job — but she refused to believe me. How could I deal with that? I learned not to say anything and just take it all.

She quit her job at the restaurant in 2000, claiming it was time to retire, even though she was two years away from the age for collecting full social security benefits. She took up babysitting for friends and family to make a few extra bucks on the side. I was still working days. I ran into a problem at work in 2002, which involved my supervisor attempting to railroad me as retaliation for getting her in trouble with her supervisor back in 1996. When I told Sally about it, she turned it into a story about me cheating on her and started yelling and crying. I began to believe that I had, and kissed her feet when she told me to. The ensuing two years after seemed fine, but then she started in on the accusations again. She would also call me at work, and if I didn’t answer the phone, she would demand to know where I was when I got home. And if I got home 10 minutes or more later than normal, she would demand to know where I’d been and would yell that I was with another woman.

As of 2005, she started complaining about the high debt load we had and insisted I do something about it. I contacted debt management firms who told me they couldn’t help because we had closed half of our accounts. We went to a series of debt management courses at our church. It helped us a little. We got counseling directly by a couple in church who specialized in debt reduction and budgeting, in 2006. We were starting to get at least a controlled budget.

Fighting a war

In 2005, I had started getting a hunch that Sally was fighting a war with me. I didn’t know why, so I dismissed it as my fertile imagination. But by 2006, I was convinced she was fighting a war, she would constantly do things she knew could irritate me, as well as noticeably confusing me about things going on. When I told her the car needed to be repaired, she denied it, I took it in and it needed work, and when I got back home, she insisted that she had always told me it needed work but I never believed her. But I refused to fight back, and when she complained vigorously, I would turn and walk away, knowing she’d never believe what I had to say.

She was adding more and more complaints against me: cheating, belittling her, disrespecting her, manipulating and controlling her, not planning things with her; there were a host of them. Once when I was talking with some of the women in church with her next to me, as soon as we got outside, she yelled at me for “making eyes” at them. Those kinds of accusations, and others, increased in frequency, especially in 2007, when she was also insisting that I should declare bankruptcy. She was also twisting things I said when she said them back to me and making me think I didn’t tell her something that I knew I had, or that some event or other that happened really hadn’t happened. And there was something new happening. Her daughters and sons-in-law were changing the way they treated me; the oldest now acted reserved when she came back into town with her pilot husband. I wondered what was going on.

I had being seeing a doctor for various symptoms during 2007 and early into 2008, and wasn’t getting much sleep, was overweight, and felt miserable all the time. I’d actually started feeling that way in 2002. But I now thought it was time for me to stop taking this treatment from her and start handing back to her what she gave out. Sometimes when we went into stores, she would walk three paces behind me, claiming that was her “slave position.” So, I would speed up and turn a corner into an aisle, forcing her to find me. If she’d give me something in my lunch that she knew I hated, I would bring it back home.

Depression

Things were building and I was feeling more and more ill and depressed every day. It all reached a head starting on June 10 of this year, after I had gone over to her daughter’s house to fix a computer. Her daughter lectured me there and talked down to me as if I was 10, so I finished the work and left without saying anything. I told Sally about it, and she said, “Well, you know how she is.” The next morning, her daughter called before I left for work and told her mother that I had slammed the door when I left and had been generally miserable to everyone, including her 14-year-old son, whom I loved dearly. And while she kept on talking to her mother, Sally started accusing me of doing everything that she’d said I had done, plus more.

I got to work. While there, I thought I’d try making amends by setting up a savings/checking account of her very own, so she wouldn’t have to share her money but could have it for herself. I neglected to call her first. At 1:00, there was a voicemail from Sally on my phone full of screaming and four-letter words. I couldn’t bear it, so I deleted it. I hoped that she would cool down by the time I got home. She didn’t. She was still screaming and yelling and sobbing in between. I was at my wit’s end, so I shouted, “That’s it! I want you out of this house!”

That’s how the divorce began.

Change of demeanor

But after I told her to get out, there were some changes that I didn’t understand. Her demeanor immediately underwent a sudden alteration. She stopped crying and yelling and said, “Well, finally! It only took me two years pressuring you to get you to do something about it!” She was all business from that point on. Hardly any emotion, except when she would talk on the phone, sometimes she’d laugh. And she would occasionally pass by me and say something snide. One of the things she said, as she stuck her face into mine, had to do with a running joke I had developed back in the 1990s, when I could set a VCR without the manual. “Remember how you used to say that you were the smartest person you know? Well, you’re not.” And the day before she went out the door for good, I had made a comment on how this is how an 18-year marriage goes down the hole, to which she replied, ”We never had a marriage.” And I witnessed her lying openly to people around us — including a policeman to try to get me thrown out of the apartment — without blinking an eye. From that point on, she kept her whereabouts a secret and asked people not to tell me.

Almost run off the road

I couldn’t figure out what had happened, but she no longer resembled the woman I married. After she left, I began to run all of the experiences, events, and words that had passed between us. And I remembered something that had happened a year ago. I was on my way to work around 7 a.m. and, five miles north of town, and a sea green Prius started to pass me, then cut back in at the last moment and tried to force me off the road. I honked, swerved, and hit the brakes. The next day, it happened again, so I wrote down the plate number and vowed to bring a camcorder with me so I could get video and present it to the State Police. It never happened again. Not long after that, we were on our way home from a city 60 miles north of us on a Saturday, and she brought up the name of our former landlord, right out of the blue, with nothing else said to prompt it. And then it wasn’t mentioned again. I later found a sea-green Prius parked in front of the old apartment building, and checked the plates against my note — they were the same. His being on the road when I was at that time was odd, because he normally came from his home in the north around 7 to go to his business/apartment building, stayed there until 6:30-7:00 p.m., then drove home. And he typically used a route different from the one I used to get to work. Why was he driving then and there, and why did he try to force me off the road?

I began to wonder if she had been having an affair with him, but doubted my thinking because I knew I was distraught over it all. But then I thought, “Well, the confirmation would be if she returned to an apartment in the same building he owned.” Although she had tried to make her location a secret, in early July I had seen her son-in-law’s face in a window as I was on my way home — and it was the old apartment building! I started considering other things, like her thorough knowledge of Doug and his family and business, her defense of him, and her getting the apartment the first time in 1989. She had gotten it secretly and moved right into it in one night. So she had to have known this landlord guy well in advance.

It’s my belief that she has been involved in an affair with this landlord, one that actually started before we were married, but that she carried into our marriage, suspended when we moved away, then resumed again some time after our move closer to the place. When she decided I was useless, unattractive, boring, and had found something better, she determined that having an affair would be suitable enough for her and justified it with her anger for me, which she still nurtures. She certainly has shown a pattern in her previous marriage, and it’s also interesting that she stayed in our marriage for 18 years, just over the 15-year state threshold to establish a permanent marriage, entitling her to 50 percent of everything I have, including my pay and retirement funds.

Numerous affairs

As I’ve reviewed things more and more, I realize that there are a number of times she could’ve had affairs with a number of men. And given her past admission, she probably has. I also know that she has lied consistently throughout our marriage, to everyone, not just me. I’ve discovered since June that, over the past three years, she has told everyone who knows me, from her family to the church members, that I’ve mistreated, abused, controlled, belittled, disrespected and cheated on her. She also told some of them that she tried to get me to go to counseling, but I refused. Amazing, since I’d been in psychotherapy from 2003 to 2005, and that entirely on my own. In fact, the only reason I stopped was because she said, ”Aren’t you cured yet? You’re spending too much money on this!”

In fact, she probably lied about her “admission” of having six other affairs before me. She most likely was testing me to see what my reaction would be, knowing full well that if she had actually told me the real number, I would have left at a dead run. There may have been only two times that she told the truth. The first: “Remember how you used to say that you were the smartest person you know? Well, you’re not.” The second: ”We never had a marriage.”

Planned the divorce

It is patently obvious to me that she had planned to divorce me for a long time, but wanted it to work out that I either walked out on her or kicked her out. And she more than likely had been provoking me over the past three years, just as soon as she hit the permanency threshold, trying to get me to explode, hoping that I’d turn violent. She didn’t get the latter. But she had started by setting the stage in 2000, when she quit her job so as to establish low income to get spousal maintenance in a divorce. When she reached 2003, someone advised her to stick it out another two years to hit the threshold. Then, for the first time in our entire “relationship,” she exhibited concern about our debt”¦ which was predominantly in my name.

Only when I told my story to my mother and my close friends did I learn that I had been a victim of psychological, emotional, and verbal abuse during my time with her. She never loved me. She held me in contempt from the start because I had a college education, while she had never finished high school (she wasn’t interested in it), and I was a professed Christian. She had to cut me down to size. And she spent 26 years doing it.

She has a tremendous appetite for three things: sex, money and power. She fed her power urges over the past eight years by manipulating me, her family, and the children she babysat. I should’ve believed my former landlady. Sally had deliberately caused an incident because she knew how I’d react; that I would insist on moving out of the trailer in the country and back into town, where she would be free to roam. As far as she was concerned, I was a loser, only good for sex. But she wasn’t even satisfied with having that only from me.

And when I contracted rheumatoid arthritis, I wasn’t even good for that, which explains why she walked out four months later. But she already had a replacement. She only got back together with me again for two reasons: her youngest daughter liked me, as did most of her family, and she met my father and wanted to tryst with him; a man closer to her age. She also figured that putting on another ring didn’t mean anything, since it didn’t with her first marriage. And she used me for cover. With me as her “husband,” no one amongst family or friends would ever question what she was up to. A single woman in her 40s, 50s, 60s would be more likely to have people wonder what she did with her free time. And I certainly wasn’t questioning her. I believed everything she told me, and trusted that she loved me.

She had the best of all possible worlds. And, somehow, she got money. Her lawyer requires a retainer of $5,000, and she’s been throwing around money left and right since she left. And all she ever showed me was $830 of Social Security and $139/week for babysitting. Meanwhile, I am barely able to make ends meet. Without her added income, I’ve minimized on everything so that I can keep costs down. I just have enough to pay all the bills, and put away a $75 reserve biweekly for emergencies. I don’t have enough money to pay for a lawyer, and legal aid won’t take me because I make $400 too much annually.

Program in motion

She knew that she would be dumping me some day. She waited for the appropriate moment and then started putting the program into motion. That started with quitting her job at the restaurant in 2000, two years before she’d qualify for full SSI benefits, then took those small jobs that paid “under the table.” By 2003, she was prepared for divorce and kept telling me, “Maybe you should stay with your friends in Charlotte for a little while,” because I was depressed. She repeated that proposal several times over the next four years. Had I gone, she would have filed for divorce immediately. But she was half-hearted about it. Someone had told her to stick it out until the 15-year permanency threshold. Once June 2005 came, she started talking about liquidation of the debt and commenced her campaign of emotional/mental attack and provocation. She intensified over the years until I told her to leave on June 11 of this year. She wouldn’t walk out because it would be harder for her to claim her share of my pay. And, when we had our fight, she made sure she got everything recorded as evidence.

I currently have no lawyer. I’ve had a few consultations, but no one will pick me up on a payment schedule. I’ve done what I could to study the statutes and court rules, contending with her lawyer solely by mail, because he double-dealt me the last time we talked on the phone. But she wants “spousal maintenance,” our state’s latest legal term for alimony. With my current expenses and debt, if she were to take more than $100 per month from my pay, I would be sunk.

This would be the result, by progression. First, I would be late on my debt payments, leading to defaulting. That would get me a bad credit rating. My federal credit cards would be withdrawn, and I need those to perform my assignments and to travel to other offices. I would be re-investigated by our Security division, found to be a high risk because I owe lot of money and can’t keep up, would no longer qualify for promotion or to move to another job with another agency, nearly all of my current assignments would be withdrawn because of my security status. I would be given small, make-work jobs. Unfortunately, these jobs are not commensurate with the position I hold. It would be just a few weeks before the position was reviewed by someone at HQ, who would see that it is not justified because of the assignments, and someone in some HQ office would send me a letter that says: “We’re sorry, but the Agency just doesn’t have any work for you any more.” And I would be dismissed.

Her lawyer would then tell the court that I arranged to get myself dismissed and the court would impute my former earnings to me. I would be unable to pay her spousal maintenance, and the court would order me incarcerated for failure to pay. And she knows all of this.

And this is exactly what she wants; the destruction of my career and life, completely. She doesn’t need the money. She just wants me out of town and absolutely destroyed. And I have no way to survive.

Never loved me

Daily, I live with the realization that she never loved me, that she held me in complete contempt because I had a college education and was a goody-two-shoes. And she intended to cut me down to size. And I believed all of her lies, not even trying to see the stuff that was right in front of me. I sinned against God and worshipped an idol that was created in my own image. I have to live with this for the rest of my life, however much of that is left. Because she will not stop until she has destroyed me thoroughly and utterly.

And now I realized I have looked into the eyes of Satan and been in his grip for 26 years. God help me.

As I write this, my health is getting progressively worse. I’m on two different anti-depressants, lorazepam for night (which hardly does anything for me), and getting counseling once weekly. I’ve lost 50 pounds since June, have little or no appetite, am nervous all the time, went back to smoking, and feel despair every day. When I’m not at church or visiting friends, I lock myself in my apartment and won’t go anywhere. I’m ashamed to let anyone see me like this. I get about three to five hours of sleep per evening, and have to leave the TV on if I expect to even get to sleep.

I don’t see any hope in my future. I wish I could.


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Elizabeth Conley

When man’s inhumanity to man becomes extreme, despair is only natural. I listen to what “Jeff” has to say, and I am reminded of this man:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/5129350.stm

How do we rebuild? Every solution I can think of sounds like an empty platitude to my own ears. How would it sound to a person in the depths of despair?

Insane as it must sound, I think Jeff should read his Bible at least once a day and go back to church. In the end, it’s not what people do to us, or what we’ve done in the past that matters. What matters is what we choose for ourselves in the present moment. I suggest that Jeff build good moments in the here and now, and work hard to live totally in those moments. In time each good moment will stretch into moments, then minutes, then hours.

I am very sorry for the awful things that have happened to Jeff. As platitudinous as it sounds, I will pray for him.

In Christ,

Elizabeth

Indigoblue

LIVE for today for tomarrow may not come ! There is plenty to think about Today ! Tomarrow will have it’s on time! LOVE JJ

mrniceguy

Dear Jeff,
I am very sorry to read your story. I was with a female sociopath for only 7 months, and she sort of destroyed my self-identity when her mask slip, like you have experienced also. From all the reading I have done in the aftermath, I have 4 comments:

1. All the bad things she said about you, all the accusations she made, are really a 100% accurate description of who SHE is and what SHE did. It is called projection / gaslighting. You should read about gaslighting and also watch the movie from the 1944 called Gaslight starring Ingrid Bergman.

2. I was also riddled with anxiety, sleep problems and depression. I guess that’s how it is when there is a real threat to your self-identity.

3. I have a graduate degree also, she doesn’t. She would belittle me for having strong and positive character attributes, in which was used against me in the manipulation process. This is the same story as yours.

4. Smear campaign. They are experts at it. The consequence is all too often ruined relationships with other people.

You spent a very long time with this woman, and understandably the healing time will be long. You probably don’t know yourself any longer and you may feel that you as a person has been eradicated.

But there is hope. Time will heal. I would suggest counseling with a therapist who is familiar with the relationship dynamic.

Also, read the book “the sociopath next door”. It can be a life saver. Also, the books by Robert Hare. You might go easy on the reading though, as you will find many examples that would remind you of situations / red flags.

Here you have a support network. Take advantage of it.
Be good to yourself. And do not despair because in the end you will become a stronger person because of this.

James

Jeff,

First allow me to thank you for sharing this with us. I wish I could tell you how much confirmation your story is for me personally. Jeff your story is mine as well to some extend. How much I saw me in your story and how much your ex was compared to mine. Same manipulation tactics. Some lies and some ending. How she wanted only control and power over you and everything. How your ex stated ““Remember how you used to say that you were the smartest person you know? Well, you’re not.” My ex said that about me as well almost word for word. And yes I agree that was one of the few times she was telling me the truth. I guess that is the point really for them to see how trusting and loving we are which is stupid to them. How your ex needed to know your whereabouts 24/7.. That too happen to me for 17 years. How she would try over and over again to bring to me anger. How she too tried to get me to leave or end the relationship. Both didn’t happen! How she told people lies upon lies how I too was “cheating, belittling her, disrespecting her, manipulating and controlling her, not planning things with her; there were a host of them.” Yes, Jeff that too happen to me as well. All her lies behind my back and even sometimes to my oldest son which I didn’t learn about until after she was gone. Even the part of the car incident! How she tried to get me hurt or killed (I really never knew what their intentions were) by having her brother in law run me over with his truck! That too happen to me! How I too turn a blind eye on her behavior time and time again. Living with hope that she would see how much I did love and care for her but this never happen and I know now could never happen. But love means nothing to them! Remember that love is weakness to them. That I too have more education and training then her. There are only two things that didn’t happen to me. 1) We never married and 2) We did have children together. (I saw no mention of children so I assume you both didn’t have them together?) I do thank my Lord we never did get married but I also thank God we did have children which is the only thing she ever gave me! I also thank God I have my children with me and away from her! God thank you for that!!!! Jeff in ending I too look into those eyes and how empty and shallow those eyes really are. But I also understand and share your pain for it something we also have in common..

Please Jeff don’t give up!!!!

For when we give up then they truly truly win!!!!

Please Jeff don’t give up for our prays and support is and always will be here for you!!

Again thank you so much for telling us your story for by doing so you have told my story and the stories of so many other people like us. God bless you for that Jeff!!!

Stargazer

Jeff,
What a horrible ordeal. I cannot imagine what you are going through trying to pick up the pieces. It sounds like you do not have any children. I hate to say, but if it were me in your position, I would probably leave the country and start over, though that would probably seem like a copout for some. Don’t give up. You have lived with a psychopath for 18 years. Now she’s gone. Things can only get better.
Hugs,
StarG

Indigoblue

lets call him Jeff

Check this out: When you started your anti-relationship. You where convient , as it went no where , you become a burden . Then it’s convient again? But your still less than sucessfull . Now she learns from some one or becuase of the laws of your country? What she can do to permenantly punish you and live off you for life! 26 yrs ago this was not a plan requiring 26 yrs to accomplish! It grew into a monster! the opposite of LOVE is use! the opposite of GOOD is evil !

Question what back a** state or country has a permanent frigging partner clause? Guess a prenup ain’t such a bad I dea where ever it is! LOVE JJ well call me Bundy:)~

Indigoblue

One more thing ( JEFF )
Your health , I believe that you knew something was a miss and because you choose to ignore it your body said hey jeff you can’t ignore this or you will suffer physicaly as well as mentaly! LOVE bundy

Ox Drover

Dear Jeff,

I know I have and I think that many if not most of the readers here at love fraud have also “looked into the eyes of Satan.”

Your story is “everyman’s story” for the readers here, and while you may feel that there is “no hope” there is HOPE AS LONG AS THERE IS LIFE.

The Bible promises us that “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord.” I believe that with all my heart. My own saga which has gone on for most of my life (I will be 62 next month) made me feel that I had lost everything and now, I realize that the Bible’s promise is not “in vain.” I feel closer to God, and to myself, and to those that truly DO love me now than I have ever felt. I can again experience JOY and confidence and closeness to my heavenly FATHER. I am not an “orphan” I am God’s child. I realize that when God is all you have, God is all you need.

Yes, you HAVE LOOKED IN TO THE EYES OF SATAN, you have seen his work through this woman who has given her heart to him, who enjoys hurting others. SATAN is HER FATHER and she “does her father’s will.” EVIL.

God is my father, God is your father if you believe, and He will not let Satan’s child win in the end.

“The prayers of a righteous man availeth much.” I have not known a true trusting relationship with God until He was all I had. I depended on myself and my own power to “fix” things for myself and others when I should have counted on God.

We can’t fix them, as you well know from experience. They will not listen to God or to us. Their hearts are hardened, and there is no love there, no caring. They EMBRACE EVIL.

It was very difficult for me to “forgive” the family members who tried to kill me, who stole my security and my peace. I had to get the bitterness against them out of my heart and mind. But that doesn’t mean I have to trust them again. More important than forgiving them however, was to FORGIVE MYSELF for being so blind, and also for doing things that were unkind myself.

Focusing on my own healing, and not on the anger against them, or the despair I felt, by focusing on finding the “beam in my own eye” and realizing that only when I “cleaned up my own house” could I make progress. Cutting the people out of my life (no contact) who were TOXIC, who were EVIL, turning them over to God, and realizing that He will be there for me, if only I believe in Him and BELIEVE IN MYSELF>

Stress, continual stress, does take a toll on our health, both mental and physical and RA has so much response (positive or negative) to stress or peace, that focusing on healing myself–taking one day at a time, one minute at a time sometimes–I pulled myself up by my own boot straps with God’s help.

The depth of evil which these people can descend for no “reason” that we can fathom is “unbelieveable.” I know in light of your horrible situation that it may sound trite, and I don’t intend it to, but “hang in there, Jeff.” One moment at a time, and stay on the road to healing, crawl across the broken glass if you must, but stay on there, don’t give up, don’t let her win. I will keep you in my prayers.

Indigoblue

Can I get a Praise Jesus ? AMEN ! Sister OxD You go right ahead and DANCE Girl! Brother JJ! convulse all ya want ! Sister winabago please sing in the back of the church ! And Brother henry take an offering plate around quick! LOVE JJ

kat_o_nine_tales

Firstly.. everybody at Lovefraud.. yes I’m still alive and doing ok.. lol.. just been very thoughtful about my life and sort of drawing into myself for a while.. also been EXTREMELY busy with school etc. and my son who just got back from the war.. he is catching up with all of us and nobody is getting a lot of sleep.

Secondly.. Jeff.. hang in there.. your self esteem is shot right now because of the abuse you went through, but you sound like a very nice person and I’m sure in time if you are careful you will meet a lady who will treat you properly. Just keep being a good man, and take care of yourself.. be nice to yourself.. and give yourself permission to feel like crap for a while.

Thirdly.. don’t give up hope. What I didn’t realize for a long time is that we who go through this stuff become survivors.. you are a survivor.. you are traumatized like any survivor.. but you are full of life-skills too.

When we are going through the torment of dealing with our sadistic partner, we work on ourselves. We become very good at managing money, communicating, navigating red tape, you name it.. we get good at it. These skills are what will sustain you Jeff, not hope in others, not trust in them.. trust in your own considerable abilities. You’ll not only get by, but in time, if you are patient with yourself, you will thrive.

Wini

Hi Kat_o_nine_tales: Glad that your son is home and can enjoy his family again.

So good to see you bogging to us again.

And ditto to what you said to Jeff, he does sound like a good man. Don’t go looking for your next love, work on yourself and the rest will fall into place, when you least expect it.

Peace.

peggywhoever

Jeff:

I am sorry for your ordeal and your feelings of hopelessness. I believe you have been struggling with PTSD and am happy you are taking anti-depressants and undergoing counseling.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, Jeff, but sometimes the tunnel is very long. I have learned to appreciate the good people in my life more than ever before. But I have not yet recovered from my trust issues. This is 14 months post-S.

It is very painful to realize someone we loved did not exist. Never existed. And then they try to continue to torment us…and the smear campaign on top of it! Amazing.

I am glad you have found this site, the people here are amazing. There is an incredible support group here, you can be entirely open and candid about your feelings. It is healing to commiserate with others who have had the same experience.

I send you blessings for happiness, health, and peace.

Peggy

This is my first time posting although I have been a silent observer. And you are the reason Jeff. You are a wonderful person and you pulled at my heartstrings because I’ve been where you are and have even thought of ending it all. I’ve lost some of my pride and dignity and feel humiliated because of what my S has done to me. I am literally picking up the pieces and starting all over.. At times am very angry. Seems as if everything I’ve worked for the S has destroyed and I have to repair. I have a child by the S who is disabled and he left her also. She’s only 3. But I haven’t given up. I refuse to let him when. He’s actually taught me something about myself. Which is to make myself happy and not depend on another human being to make me happy! And trust NO ONE! I’ve lost my car, have debt up the rear, no job while trying to raise our child. Jeff, don’t give up. Give her the monetary and material and move on to your soulmate cause she is out there…

Oh, and Oxdrover said it best. The S is satan’s child. Every quality they have is satan’s qualities. Thats why they pick on us who have an ounce of spirituality and seek to destroy us and walk away laughing. Thing is in the END… We are the survivors while they continue to reap what they sow which eventually is going to be DEATH!

Ox Drover

Dear msrbsinger,

Welcome to love fraud, and it IS A HEALING PLACE. Please hang around and post some more.

QUOTE: “”he actually taught me something about myself. Which is to make myself happy and not depend on another human being to make me happy”

I totally agree with you on this one. It is up to US to make ourselves happy, no one else can do that for us. No matter how much they love us.

QUOTE: “And trust NO ONE!”

On this one, I don’t agree with you, and would modify it to say “BE CAREFUL who you trust. Don’t give trust easily. Get to know someone before you trust them. Watch them, see if they are WORTHY of trust. Your trust is your most prescious possession, share it only with those that are worthy of it.

Trust is a component of love. If you can’t trust someone you can’t truly love them, but those that you can’t trust, weed out of your garden.

That is true Oxy it is all in the wording. I will take that to heart… Just hard to trust right now. Sure you can understand.

Wini

msrbsinger: We ALL understand. No problem. It’s good that you are cautious. You have a right to be, as well as the rest of us have the right to be cautious … even with so called normal people, it seems to be the way of life today … to get along, just go along. I don’t know what happened to backbone with some folks.

I was weeding idiots out of my life for the past 30 years … go figure that they’d start to act like “normal” folks to get to me. Just when you think you can smell them a mile away, they pull something new out of that hat of theirs.

Peace.

inthebreach57

Jeff,
Welcome. My heart goes out to you. The way you describe your financial situation I’m wondering if you will even have money to eat. Can you find or advertise for and interview a roomate? That might help you a great deal. I think someone mentioned moving away. It may be an option to just move across the country. Maybe she won’t track you down. Where did she get the $5000. for the attorney? This woman makes me think of fleeing!! God Bless

Jeff

I would like to thank all of you for your support and encouraging comments. You don’t know how much it really means to me, right now. The feeling is precisely as someone else described: there is no more “me,” I have no idea who I am and what I’m doing here.

I contemplated suicide twice, but close friends intervened, even though I ended up too much of a coward to carry it through. My life seems so worthless and I feel so horrified at what I’ve been involved in. And I have given her not only plenty of weapons, but all of the ammunition she needs to destroy me.

A friend whom I’ve known for 44 years did something that I don’t know how to address other than to say “thanks.” He and one of his cousins approached me about it over a week ago, and he paid the retainer for a good attorney, who has decided to take my case. I am not out of the woods by any means, but the people who stuck by me are showing me what love really means. Several of them have vowed to show up at the hearings on 2 December.

I cannot survive without God. I cannot be delivered without God. I cannot find out who I am without God. I want and need the Christ in my life now and always, to take my hand and lead me through the hell I’ve created.

All of you who may have a relationship with Him, please, I beg you for your prayers for my deliverance.

Thank you all.

Ox Drover

Dear Jeff,

QUOTE: “I cannot survive without God”

Jeff, for what it is worth, the trauma, the chaos and the pain that I went through with my own family (many Ps) and the chaos and trauma that I allowed them to iinflict on me has brought me to a new and closer relationship with God.

Read I & II Samuel, the story of King David’s life, how Saul (classic P) hunted and persecuted him, and how then later, his own son Absalom (another classic P) rebelled against King David and tried to take the kingdome. David “a man after God’s own heart” was not a sinless man, in fact, quite the contrary, but when he saw his own error, he REPENTED and changed his ways. Those stories gave me a much better understanding of my own relationship with God and with myself and with going NC with my mother and my youngest biological son. (a P)

I now read the familiar scriptures in the Bible with a new understanding of a comforting and loving God, a true FATHER, who is there for us if we will open our hearts and minds to hear Him. As long as we depend on our own “wisdom” instead of His, we always fall short, but if we make our hearts humble and listen to Him, we will know the right way, the right way to go. The Bible promises us that “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord.

Believe me, though it hurt more than I can say, like a difficult child birth without assistance or anesthetic, to extract the EVIL people from my heart and my life, belive me, when I say it WAS WORTH IT a thousand times over. Because now I realize that there is nothing NOTHING more important on this earth than a relationship with God, a total trust of God, and that in the end, whatever has happened can become the “best thing” that ever happened to us. I am at peace now, and live with a JOY I never realized was possible and wouldn’t have been as long as these TOXIC people were in my life. They have given their hearts to EVIL (to Satan if you will) and they, like their “Father” enjoy other’s pain, but MY FATHER is a father of LOVE, not evil. He will turn their evil into HIS GOOD for me. Hold on to that Jeff, and you will go from victim to VICTOR!!! You are in my prayers. There ARE good friends and good people in this world and those few good people who love you are the most prescious earthly gifts you have.

kerisee04

What a story. I’m so sorry you lost so much of your life to her. My husband was married to one for 7 years, but he also has 3 kids with her. After we married, we put the debt in my name because my credit was good. Well, then the custody battle began. 1 1/2 years and $60,000 later, I am going bankrupt, and the custody battle remains the same. She goes on, like nothing happened. Like it was her plan all along to completely destroy our life because he had the balls to divorce her. She even managed to squeeze child support out of him even though we share custody of the kids.

I hate sociopaths. They are loathesome beings that can’t quite be called human.

Since you are a Bible-reader, please consider Psalm 94:19. It’s my favorite and has sustained me through many dark times with this evil presence, which is what sociopaths are. I have many times called her Satan, as well. And they should be called that because that’s who they are following.

the only advice I can give you is to remember that you are NOT all the bad things she accused you of. In fact, they are experts at projection, meaning all the things they accuse you of is what they see in themselves. They come after us because they envy our inherent GOODNESS and TRUSTING QUALITY. Don’t commit suicide. You never know what tomorrow will bring. I’ve been living in a dark hole for 2 years now, but I finally see light. And it’s not because she has quit or gone away, and it’s not because my financial woes have gone away, it’s because I have decided that she will not decide my life for me. I cannot control her. I can only control myself. I can only stand for myself before God, and really, 80 years on earth is a short time compared to eternity. Give her her measly 80 years, and let God grant you his mercy of everlasting life. Hugs…

Oxydacious,

“I feel closer to God, and to myself, and to those that truly DO love me now than I have ever felt. I can again experience JOY and confidence and closeness to my heavenly FATHER. I am not an “orphan” I am God’s child. I realize that when God is all you have, God is all you need.”

That was a beautiful testament to your life and your years of struggle and heartache. I’m at the exact same place in my spiritual journey although it has taken me years to get here.

I don’t regret one minute, one second of the time I’ve spent searching and then surrendering to the Lord. I’ve written about it before, here on LF, that once I submitted to God with all my heart, mind, and soul that my seemedly overwhelming burden was released from me almost instantaneous. The relief I felt was so AWESOME. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to surrender my cares, my worries to the Lord and why on Earth I waited so long. Was for a purpose and now I know why.

Peace, Love, and Joy to you, Oxylady, Jeff (hang in there, buddy, we’re here to listen to your own unique priceless voice) and all LF peeps. 🙂

Ox Drover

Dear Kerisee,

A wonderful testement to you and to your faith!

Janesmith, dear Jane, thank you so much, and yes, there is LIFE AND JOY AFTER THE Ps. AMEN!!!!

Wini,

Isn’t it the truth. Just when you think you can let your guards down about a person and not think everyone is out to get you, you’re screwed again. Its actually made me stay to myself more. I’m actually going back to my spirituality which I kinda put on the backburner for the S. But I feel so much guilt over diminishing my relationship with God that I don’t know how to ask for his forgiveness. Than I realize, that he already knows. All I have to do is go home.

Has anyone ever felt like they’ve taken on the qualities of their S? You become spiteful and vengeful? I’ve notice some meaness in me that wasn’t there before, but feel like I have to have this tough skin on at all times. Jeff you said it so well when you said you don’t even know who you are or what direction to go in. My S has caused me so many problems that I can’t even apply for a job because of being distraught, I started drinking and landed a DUI. I had just graduated school to become a paralegal, finished internship and all.

Never had a record in all my thirty 36 years. And where was I driving when I ran out of gas, to go pick him up which he demanded even though I told him I shouldn’t because I sing also and had just came from a show I had to perform. I feel like he did it on purpose. He didnt’ even show up to court to plead on my behalf and called me stupid for pleading guilty. And than left me and my disabled daughter. Thing is, I shouldna never been going to pick him up because I had just found out after 3 years he was living a double life with a woman ten years younger than me. But I stayed not wanting my daughter to be without her father. Thing is the young girl poor thing had no clue when I confronted both of them. He had made up all kinda lies about his daughter’s mother and was actually spending time with her and bringing my daughter along. I can’t even talk about this because it hurts soo bad, I just completely ended it with him about four months ago. How could a parent watch their newborn baby fight for their life for three months, survive and thrive and than say, I don’t want to be bothered with her til she’s 18.

So, yes I really had an S and have been visiting this website for almost a year without posting because it hurts to even talk about. Everywhere I turn seems like there is no way back to my normal life where I achieved so much has been lost. Now I’ve just lost my car which I need to get my daughter back and forth to therapy and to try to find some kind of job. Jeff, I understand. This late in life and how much I’ve worked, education everything down the drain.

James

msrbsinger

Four months is a short time and for most healing can happen but it always takes time and effort. It’s been almost 3 years and still I am struggling to rebuild my life. This economic recession isn’t helping much. All I do know is it is very easy to destroy but very hard to build. So I come to understand it takes one stone at a time. I too like Jeff feel like laying down and want to just give up some days. But I can’t and won’t. We can rebuild our life’s but also this time we will know better and won’t open the gates to our hearts like Troy did when given a wooden horse from Odysseus.

James

should had said:

“won’t open the gates to our hearts so quick like Troy did when given a wooden horse from Odysseus”…

Namaste

Isn’t it strange how they all seem to have that intense stare, as if they are trying to silently hypnotise you?

I never liked my one’s eyes anyway right from the get-go ~ they were very small and piggy and extremely shifty-looking. They were also incredibly bright blue, but like an icy-cold blue.

He often used to try to fix me with his stare, but i used to feel so uncomfortable, i always had to quickly look away to avoid it, as it felt as if he was trying to look into my very soul (and not in a good way!)

I would then worry afterwards that he might have thought i was doing it as I was the one who had something to hide! I guess that’s just another example of the way they are capable of making you feel guilty, when you know you have done absolutely nothing to feel guilty of!

Indigoblue

Janesmith
If we could package it and sell it we could make a fortune!

Instycure – Leave the world behind! LOVE JJ

Stargazer

Mine didn’t have that stare. At least I never saw it. He had a deep and sorrowful look, but it seemed very human to me. I have shown his pictures to people who claim they can spot a psychopath by looking at one. They said he looked very normal to them. I have dozens of pictures of him. You can’t see the slightest hint of evil. He was a very sweet guy. But his behaviors spoke for themselves.

Indigoblue

I have an album for my Psyco What you see is a Wounded child look, in some of the pictures! I did’nt know then ,Why ? He would say that he did’nt like his teeth thats why he did’nt like to smile! Now I think it is more fear that when the photo was developed there would’nt be anyone in IT !:)~ LOVE JJ

When I started to be a silent observer to this site I was shocked that some of you brought up the weirdness of the eyes because thats exactly what made me feel controlled by him, that stare and how empty his eyes were. Even when he feigned that he cared or cried his eyes always remained emotionless. Satan indeed. I wonder what tricks he is up to now. Glad their not on me, god bless the one who is ignorant of his designs.

lostingrief

indigo …
or, maybe like my ex-s/p/n, he didnt like pictures taken of him because it constituted ”evidence.” (!)

I hope everyone will receive my comment in the spirit in which it is intended-that is I hope what I am saying builds you up and empowers you. I too am sorry for what has happened. I hope you can come away growing from the bad and hanging on to what ever good you did experience.

Some psychologists say that people fall into two groups when it comes to their understanding of the causes of events. One group has an external locus of control and one group has an internal locus of control. There is a down side to either way of looking at the world, the folks with an internal locus of control are prone to excessive self blame whereas those with an external locus of control do not feel empowered to change their lives.

An experience with a sociopath leads us to have to have a realistic locus of control. That means realistically understanding both the sociopath and ourselves.

In retrospect each one of us can say, “I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN IN THAT RELATIONSHIP!!!”

What comes next is to grow from the experience. We all have to own the parts of ourselves that got us there. We also have to fully own responsibility for our recovery.

I do not know if there is a G_d that has a hand in our lives. But I am sure that if there is, these events are meant to challenge us to be better and to live a more loving, holy existance.

Sometimes it is only when our human short comings cause us to make a life-threatening mistake that we can really face them, understand and grow through them.

There are at least six things you can do every day to get on the path to recovery.
1) Eat right
2) Exercise
3) Stop using substances that weaken you and make you sick
4) Seek a loving connection with a friend, family member or pet and G_d
5) Do something good for yourself and at least one other person every day
6) Work to have a vision for the person you are meant to be and set yourself a path to make that vision a reality.

Working these steps will strenghten you and help relieve depression and anxiety. If you have a therapist you can discuss these with him/her, especially #6. Healing will come with time when you work at it.

Thanks, Dr. Leedom.

Creating a positive reinforcement list is a darn good way to begin making beneficial changes in our lives. Helps tremendously in striving to complete little daily goals. Start with number 1 and check it off as done, then continue down the list. Then start all over the next day. It’s a good habit.

Indigo,

I would give it away for free, to all and any who would wish it. Not interested in the perils, the shallowness of wealth, profit…

I’ll stick to my simple, modest, spartan, humble, tranquil existence, thank ye very much!!

🙂

Indigoblue

Jane Do I have to do this ( joking ) LOVE JJ

Indigoblue

Almost —–Instantly —–Relieved !

Awsome ! He said; My yolk is light! Follow Me ! Awsome!

Jane checkout Zradio.com LOVE JJ

Ox Drover

Dear Dr. Leedom,

Thank you for this concise and precise list of positive influences for our healing.

Indigoblue

OxD
do you get National Geographic?? this month check it out the culture in Mexico! Very Kewl

Dr Leedom No One Uses the Word HOLY who does not believe! Unless they are talking about jeans! :)~

BloogerT What is the Syndrom called when you Blame women? as a man. Would that be the opposite of momasboy syndrom?

Wini

Dear LF Bloggers: I’d like to share excerpts of this writing with you:

…But I also understand the need to forgive, to release the offender from responsibility for the way he treated me. I’ve learned an important lesson that Jesus described as follows:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’

But I tell you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,they may be sons of your Father in heaven.”
(Mt 5:43-45)

I have learned to pray for God to bless the person(s)
who abused me, to help him do his/her job well and develop his/her character to be like Jesus.

Pray blessings on the offender.

It’s what my pastor calls “responding in the opposite spirit.” I have discovered that doing so also helps me, because praying for God to bless that person helps me release him from guilt for his abusive behavior. Any time I sense anger rising up in me toward that person, I immediately pray for God to bless him. Here are some key points:

(1) blessing my offender helps me become like Jesus;

(2) dwelling on my anger and pain strengthens my sinful nature.

It’s your choice: you can benefit from your experience and become more like Jesus, or you can allow your experience to make you more ungodly like the people who abused you.

You are not responsible for what those people did to you, but you certainly are responsible for the way you respond.

Would God be pleased with your current attitude?

Do you honor God and reflects his character?

Change your attitude or fail this test and have to repeat it later because God wants you to grow from this experience.

God’s primary emphasis is on developing his character in us and he occasionally allows these horrendous experiences in life because they reveal ungodly traits in our character. It’s time to deal with it, to grow into God’s image … then move on in life.

In fact, it’s very likely God will not allow you to move on until you get this right.

Do you want to stay resentful the rest of your life?

That would be tragic.

Forgive those who offended you, pray continuously for God to bless them, and move on to a beautiful God loving life.

Peace.

Indigoblue

AMEN! Haleiluya! Praise Jesus. Remember Jesus turned the water into BEER :)~

Ox Drover

Though I a a “believer” I don’t necessarily think that in order to have a spiritual self we have to believe in a “certain” god or philosophy. Almost all of the religious writings I have read from every religion and philosophy, they all seem to focus on the SELF-improvement of becoming “better” people. More honest, more caring, more generous people with a concept of “you will reap what you sow.”

Jesus used the if you sow one seed, what do you expect to reap? Well of course, DUH! If we sow the seeds of bitterness, we will reap bitterness, and if we sow the seeds of hate we will reap hate. Our ATTITUDES are our “seeds” and they will MULTIPLY when we sow them. If we sow goodness we will reap goodness—if not from everyone we meet, like the Ps, we will at least reap goodness within ourselves. If we allow others to “sow” seeds of abuse in our “garden” by associating with people who do not respect us then THEIR CROP OF SEEDS WILL SPROUT IN OUR GARDENS.

The Bible (and other religious writings) are FILLED with advice to AVOID EVIL PEOPLE that they will BRING US NOTHING BUT GRIEF.

We, as “victims” did not (obviously) avoid those evil people in our lives (the psychopaths). In some cases, there were many RED FLAGS, and in others there were fewer red flags, or in a few cases, none that were obvious, as we believed their lies and were not the least bit “suspicious.”

From about the 4th month that I dated my P-XBF after my husband died, I was in “heaven on earth” and didn’t see a single red flag, but from the time he started to devalue me, THE RED FLAGS WERE THERE and I felt if I confronted them, I would “lose him”—like there was anything “valuable” in him that would have been “lost.” LOL

The Bible tells us repeatedly to avoid people who we know do evil, and I knew by then he was a serial cheater on his wife for 32 years before she finally caught him IN THE ACT and booted his butt out, and I also knew IF HE WILL CHEAT ON HER HE WILL CHEAT ON ME, but I chose to “believe” that he would NEVER DO THAT TO ME. Yea, RIGHT! I was so special. NOT!!!

So, I was big time into “violating the eleventh commandment—THOU SHALT NOT FOOL THY SELF.”

I put on the biggest thickest pair of ROSE COLORED GLASSES in the world to look at him through, so I wouldn’t see the truth, although my MIND DID, my heart told it to SHUT UP!

Eventually, the pain became more than I could stand since there was still residual pain from my husband’s death etc. and I booted the guy after 8 months, four of which I cried day and night if he wasn’t with me.

The TRUTH did set me free from him, but first it pi$$ed me off. It hurt me. It humiliated me. It drove my self esteem (not much at that time anyway) into the pits, but it did get me away from him so I could start to heal from that relationship, and finish up healing over my husband’s death.

I have friends who have no belief (they say at least) in any kind of a higher power, yet they too have a spiritual component and moral compasses, and they do their best to be just to their fellow men. My faith in a higher power, my belief in a higher power, gives me comfort, and if it turns out I am wrong and after I die there is “nothing,” I won’t have been harmed in one single way by that faith. It is a “win-win” situation as far as I am concerned. In the meantime, I have a “direction” for my “compass” to point, which gives me a purpose in my life, to go toward that self improvement.

Thanks Dr. Leedom:

I can’t afford a therapist as a single mom, I wish I could because I notice that from time to time I keep reliving the day I caught him with another woman and how he treated me and going over how I could of responded. I realize that is a form of PTSD. Trauma indeed. Sad. I have worked in the mental health area in the past, so I kinda self analyze from time time. lol. Thanks for your wonderful advice, I definitely have to start eating correctly as I haven’t been.

Jeff

My thanks to all for your encouragement. I wish I had good news to relate.

The status conference hearing was held on 2 December, in the judge’s chambers. When my lawyer came out and met with me alone, she told me that the judge is inclined to give her all that she wants. Her false address, her lie about living with friends for the past 5 months, her lie about having no other income or assets other than her monthly social security, and the lie about the value of her personal property are all being accepted as truth. My lawyer urged me to declare bankruptcy. The final hearing is due on 27 January, where the judge will entertain the plaintiff’s motions for temporary spousal maintenance and payment of her attorney’s fees by me.

This is the beginning of the end. I could wish I’d listened to God back in 1982 and had never been involved with her. I could wish I hadn’t turned a blind eye to the clues I saw along the way. I could wish that I’d listened to my sister in 1988. But it won’t change what’s happening to me now.

i am in hell, with no way out.

Indigoblue

Though I walk through the Valley of DEATH and destruction ! I shall Fear NO evil for tho art with me Always!

Jeff if you have not read Footsteps I will rewrite it for you LOVE JJ

Ox Drover

Dear Jeff,

I hear the pain and despair and the unfairness of it all in your posts. None of us can know exactly how you feel, but you have friends here who DO UNDERSTAND that you have been to hell with a psychopath. There are some commonalities in all our stories and being in hell is one of them.

A little over a year and a half ago I had to pick up what was prescious to me, and leave my home, my lifestock and everything prescious to me, thinking I would never be able to come home. I came home finally after two of the psychopaths went to jail, but I’m still not completely safe–the two that went to jail, one of which tried to kill my son and me is out as of yesterday, and my P-son who was puppet mastering it all from a distance (he is in prison and still trying to kill me) is still at his plots and plans and receiving money from my mother for his support. In so many ways, I lost EVERYTHING including my sense of justice and fairness….but you know, Jeff, I realized some valuable lessons as well.

WHAT I have in the way of material things is not important to me any more. As the Bible says, no matter how rich you are in this world’s goods or anything else, it can VANISH in an instant. The only things that we can depend on are what is inside our hearts and our minds. Sometimes it is only when we lose everything else that we can look inside ourselves and see what is REALLY VALUABLE and no one can take that away from us.

I read a book called “Man’s Search for Meaning” written after WWII by Dr. Viktor Frankl who spent years in the Nazi concentration camps and lost everything but his very life. He searched for meaning from this chaos and pain at the hands of the ULTIMATE PSYCHOPATHS who took everything except is life, and he found it. If someone can go through what he did and still find meaning in the learning experience, who am I to lie down and give up?

There are days I have pity parties, still, and days I find Joy, and finally the days with the joy are many many more than the days of self pity, and my strength is returning, so that when I am kicked in the gut, I get up more quickly than I would have two years ago. I am building up some reserves of strength.

When I was at my lowest ebbs I tried to be very good to myself. There is only so much energy in our bodies, physical and/or emotional/mental. If you expend that energy you need rest physically and emotionally as well, you can’t rest without both of those components I think. So take care of yourself as best you can. Don’t expend energy on things that are not important, let the dishes wait, relax, go for a walk in the park, YOU are the most important thing in your life now, be good to YOU. Use your limited energies on only the things you need to SURVIVE, let the rest wait til later.

Declariing bankruptcy isn’t the end of the world, and it may be the most logical way out of the crunch. God bless you Jeff, I wil keep you in my prayers. (((hugs))))

lifegarded

Jeff,

Not to be insulting, but one of the ways S/P’s are so effective is they keep moving and destroying and keep coming back if you let them. Although painful, did you spend the time investigating her before the trial? If not, you still can. It’s important to keep tabs on your former S/P’s because of their holey-conscience – they’re always preying on sympathy of people who have love/loved them. Time spent researching will help you regain the means by which you became a victim and acceptance that these people don’t change ever!

sweetcynic

I will say, I only saw that predator stare once, but the one time I saw it it was unforgettable. It truly was like looking into the eyes of Satan; it even creeped me out as a sixth grader. It was when I asked him not to tell my mom about a secret boyfriend (around my age) that I had. He agreed, with an oh so kind voice that did not at all match his eyes, as long as I didn’t tell my mom about the sexual advances he’d just made toward me. Luckily they broke up a month later for unrelated reasons.

Rosa

I think the predatory stare of a sociopath is chilling.

It’s like, “why are you staring?”….do I have lipstick on my teeth….or are you going to kill me?

Such a human waste…..it’s like looking at eyes without a face.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpmWIyjilQo

Ox Drover

Dear Sweetcynic,

I am so sorry you have had to look into that deep abyss, it is truly the LOOK OF SATAN, and it chills us to the bone to look inside those eyes and to know that there is truly EVIL in this world and it walks among us. At such a young age to SEE the abyss must truly have been awful! (((((Hugs))))))

hens

rosie the rivoter our dj – that song takes me back – waaaay back..

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