lf2

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I lost myself in the relationship with a sociopath

Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by a reader who writes as “Buffalo Girl.”

The boy across the street.

I remember him back in the late 70’s. My family had moved into the new neighborhood. I was 12. He was the popular 13-year-old who always hung out with the cool boys who were years older than him. And they seemed to idolize him. I remember the second day in my new catholic grammar school ”¦”¦ me, the new girl, and him already there for years. But the teachers were fed up with him. Second day of school. The head nun and a few teachers surrounded him in the hall. They were already frustrated and ganged up on him. Saying they’ve had enough and were not going to take another year of his shenanigans. He just looked back at them with a smirk and not a care in the world. It didn’t faze him. He was expelled and moved into the local public school.

Just a little crush way back then. He was intriguing. I used to see him walk out of his house, walking down the street with such confidence to wherever he was going, like he had the world in the palm of his hands. We lived on the same street for a few years. Not much contact, but after 2 block parties we did go escape together and kiss. Then I moved away. I never even thought about him much really.

Fast forward to the early’s 90’s

I was 25, in the Air Force, and had a great life. I had lived in Italy, Japan, and Georgia by that time, had quality friends, and adventure. I always insisted on being treated well by a man. I had experienced some wonderful, healthy relationships with boyfriends by that time. Life was good. Then one day, while back in Buffalo on leave, I took a walk in that old neighborhood. He walked out of his parent’s house. We hadn’t seen one another in 8 years, but we recognized each other and started talking. He suggested meeting at a local bar that night and we did. We sat at the bar for about 6 or 7 hours, drinking, talking, and laughing. It was then and there that his charismatic charm put a spell on me like never before. I was absolutely smitten. We had one more date before I left for my next duty station in Florida, then he disappeared. He didn’t call me like he said he would. I was crushed.

So after my leave I reported to my next assignment. I just couldn’t get him out of my mind, so after 6 months I did write him hoping he’d write back. I didn’t hear from him. Then about 3 months later, he did write me a letter. A few sentences saying he lost my letter and had just found it. I did make another trip to my hometown, mainly to see him. I saw him a few times, was still smitten, but after a few dates during my 10-day leave, he didn’t call me when he said he would, and left me waiting by the phone. This was before cell phones existed. Once again I was crushed. He called the next day with some excuse, and wanted to get together that day. I was upset and mad and wouldn’t see him. I told him that I was never going to see him again. He did still rent space in my head over the next few years, but I got on with life.

A few years later out of the blue, he called my father’s house asking for my phone number. So I did send him a post card with my number on it. But at the same time, I was in the beginning of a relationship that was very comfortable. So we spoke a few times, but when he mentioned that he’d like to fly down and see me, I told him that I now had a boyfriend. So that was the end of that. That same year I got married.

15 years later

An amicable divorce, retired young from the military, in my early forties, and I finished my college degree right before retirement, debt-free. Two beautiful daughters adopted internationally. One day, after all these years, curiosity got the best of me, and I called his mother and asked her to give him my phone number. He called me within the hour. His mother told me that he was living with a woman in Arizona, but he didn’t mention that until I brought it up. So we chatted, but nothing became of it.

The next year, I moved back to my hometown, which I had always wanted to do. I was bored one day and gave him a call. It turned out that he had also moved back to our hometown (alone). Due to the housing crisis, and him being in construction management, he had no other choice but to move back and network/work with people that he used to know.

That’s when it all started: The love-bombing”¦”¦ hooking me again. Going out to neighborhood bars together with jukeboxes that had the oldies music that I loved. Summer days, really fun, carefree bantering with his friends (young and old) at the bar. Everyone knew him. I was cautious at first, but it made me feel like a teenager again. Plus his friends would tell me. “He’s a great guy.” He would tell me, “You’re my last stop.” It’s interesting how he’s able to cast a spell over some of the men also ”¦”¦ Why? Because he’s such a character. The movie “Goodfellas” was a huge hit. And being around him these guys get a front row seat. He was entertaining to them. It was fun for them to watch, as long as he wasn’t dating their daughter. It’s interesting how he’s down and out, doesn’t even have a credit card, in debt (but doesn’t care), lives in a dive apartment, but at the same time ”¦”¦ very nice clothes, and some of the most well-known attorneys and successful businessmen think well of him. He has them on his speed dial. He’s so good at charming whoever he wants to charm.

He was confident, jovial, fun, carefree, and I couldn’t get enough. But there were red flags. A typical evening: We go out to eat. He always likes to sit at the bar to eat. We walked into a place. After a little while, another group of people walked in. In the group was a woman, all dressed up. She saw him and then a look of devastation came on her face. He walked up to her and said something and came back. I glanced at her and she looked so sad. He then said to me, “I’ve never dated her. She’s Psycho.” Well, she didn’t look psycho to me. She looked hurt. Even though her group had just arrived, she then disappeared. Then a few minutes later he gets a phone call. I heard a woman’s voice. He said, “Well, call me when you get into town,” and hung up. All in a day’s work for him. That following Sunday he was nowhere to be found. He didn’t return my calls until that evening and said he left his car in his partner’s truck. Strange because he always had his phone on him.

The other woman

Right before we reconnected this time, he was living with another woman for a while when he first moved back home. But she moved away to Florida for work. After a few months of me seeing him, I noticed that he was still in contact with her. If his phone rang and we were out, he would step outside to take the call. Also, when we spent the night together, the phone always rang while he was asleep.

Then he started getting aloof. He knew that he had gained my trust. We had a spat because I told him that if he’s still in contact with his old girlfriend I no longer cared to be involved. He assured me that he was never going to see her again. Then he said that the next week he’s got an out-of-town job paint job for 4 days. It didn’t make sense. Who would pay someone 50 cents a mile to drive 250 miles away and not hire locally? A few days before he was leaving, I saw that he was starting to pack, and it definitely looked like he was packing for the beach, not for a job in Upstate NY in the Fall. So I thought, well, I’ll know when he’s gone, because I’ll just drive by his partner’s house and see if his truck his still there. If it is, it’s a lie, he went to see her, and that’s the end of us.

But the night before he was going to leave, I was going crazy. I really knew where he was going. Weeks before while we were out at a bar, some nice women said hello to him and I met them. I stepped outside while they were out there and we had a conversation. They asked if I was dating him. When I told him I was they were silent and the one said, “Don’t let his negativity get you down.” Well, when he noticed us talking for a while, he whisked me away and we left. In the car, he mentioned that they were friends of his old girlfriend. I knew that one of them owned a pilates studio. So that evening before he was leaving I found her email from her website and asked her to call me, saying something doesn’t seem right with him. She emailed me back saying she’ll call me soon, that he’s a very unhealthy person, and being around him will only pull me into the same unhealthiness.

Soon she did call”¦and she said, “Something’s going on here.” I asked, “Is he going to see her?” She did call his old girlfriend when I emailed her. She said, “He’s on his way to the airport now, but Marsha (his girlfriend not her real name) is trying to get a hold of him now and stop him.”

She asked me if his old girlfriend could call me and I said yes. Marsha called me, and after she asked me a few questions, proving that I was seeing him, she told him not to get on the plane. So he was stranded at the airport after his brother had dropped him off, luggage already checked in, and he had to take a taxi home. Marsha and I were both hurt, but all he could think about was himself. Telling her I’m crazy, he’s never even kissed me. And then calling me and yelling at me on my voice mail. I wouldn’t answer his calls. Marsha and I talked a few times, thanking each other. She told me some horrendous stories about him. He once punched 2 holes in her wall. He used to tell me that she would keep him broke always wanting to go out all the time. Turns out she liked to go out just once in a while, and she always paid.

I was relieved. Even though I grew to care about him so much, it had been really toxic and I wasn’t myself. He tried to call me a few times, but I wouldn’t answer. I thanked Marsha’s friend for her help, and she told me, “Be strong. The only way to get rid of a sociopath is ignore him.”

SOCIOPATH ”¦”¦

I vaguely remembered that term from my sociology textbook, but was not real familiar with it. I then started studying everything I could about what a sociopath was. Wow!! He had every single characteristic. I devoured all of the books. “The Sociopath Next Door,” etc.

Months later, he was still on my mind, and I called him and left a message, asking him why he did that. I did that even though I knew that he was a sociopath. He called back of course, and the last year has been a downward spiral of crazy drama. I couldn’t stay away. I was addicted to who I thought he was, or who I wanted him to be. I loved those memories of the good times. At the same time, I was so mad and frustrated with myself. I knew that he was sociopath. So why was I going back? In the past I had a friend who was in an unhealthy relationship, and after a while, I would only feel anger and frustration towards her for not leaving.

Lost myself

In the past year, I lost myself. Our relationship pulled me into skid row. When I slept over there, he didn’t want me to move or I’d wake him up. He made me feel unwelcome to walk around his apartment. He’d say in a nasty tone, “where are you going!!?” if I just walked into the living room. His apartment felt like a jail cell. So toxic. I got bored being retired so young (early 40’s), and was offered a great 2-year temp assignment. It’s good, but I was walking around in a fog some days at work because I was involved with the insanity. I knew that I was wearing it on my face. At work, people would exchange pleasantries with me, kind people everywhere. Great place. Upper management works hard to make work fun and keep morale up. I felt like I was living a double life ”¦ the normal nice life, and then slumming in this toxic cesspool where he’d borrow money (to probably go out on a date), lie, swear all the time, have temper tantrums, etc. Our relationship consisted of me lying next to him in his dark bedroom while he watched TV, and than having 2-minute lame sex. While all the time, the phone ringing off the hook, (some other woman).

I ended it so many times but he wouldn’t let me go. I would have no contact with him for a month ”¦”¦ then return a call, he’d be at a bar, wanting to see me right away. I met him there. His cell phone ringing and he not answering it. We go to his house and there’s a bunch of stuff on his porch. Whoever he stiffed that evening because I called him had had enough and dropped off his things”¦I’m sure he called her and patched things up the next morning right after I left.

Road to recovery

But I really think I’m finally on the road to recovery right now. The Love Fraud website has helped me a lot. I also read the book, and I will re-read parts of it from time to time. When I was reading Love Fraud, I saw him in James Montgomery. And James repulsed me, so that has helped me to not return his calls. You can’t talk about this to someone who has not been through it. They only think you’re an idiot. Sometimes I wish some of the other victims on the LF forum lived close by so we could all support each other, take walks, go to yoga, happy hour, and enjoy life. Another absolutely wonderful website that helps with recovery is Alexandra Nouri’s website. http://alexandranouri.wordpress.com/

She’s also the author of “So, You’re in Love With A Narcissist.” She is absolutely hilarious, and had me laughing out loud. It’s great to be able to actually laugh at the situation once in a while.

I just have to get over feeling sorry for him because he’s a sociopath and can’t help himself. I guess I need to accept the fact that I will always care for him and worry about him, but have to stay no contact. It will be a challenge, but some days are definitely easier than others. I think it’s going to get easier. I know that I am lucky. He only got me for a few hundred dollars. I am financially secure. I feel so sorry for the women who were taken for everything”¦dealing with that as well as the horrible heartache. Donna, thank you for everything!

To everyone on this website”¦ It is so hard, but life is too short for this ”¦”¦ we all know it. Let’s stay strong!!!! NO CONTACT!!!

 


Comment on this article

83 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I lost myself in the relationship with a sociopath"

Notify of

Dear Buffalo girl,

Thanks for a great article!

I know you think he “can’t help himself” because he is a psychopath, but HE CAN CHOOSE….CHOOSE TO ACT “NICE” OR NOT. No one is FORCED by DNA to be “evil” they choose to act in such a way because they are selfish and narcissistic,, caring only for themselves.

I’m glad that you are away from him, and as you are further along the road toward healing, you will less and less sympathy for his evil ways and for his evil intentions. NO CONTACT does work so hang in there and thanks again for sharing your story! God bless.

I have some toughts about, “gray rock”, and the NC rule. These thoughts were triggered by the movie, “The Girl” I shared about the other night. In the movie, someone sks someone else, what it is about THIS girl that has Alfred Hitchcock so obsessed with her. The answer was, that no matter how he provokes her; no mtter what he throws at her, she makes him believe that he can’t hurt her. Wow. That so perfectly summs up my experience of push-pull and gameplaying in trauma bonded relationships….it is utterly profound!!
I’m not sure where I’m going with this because I havn’t yet thought it through. I hope you folks will let me brainstorm, and be patient with my mis-spellings and improper punctuation….I just want to unleash my thoughts with out censor……
First and foremost, I have to say that I do believe in gray rock and NC. I do believe that NO Contact is the first step to getting free of the obsession, or addiction, or whatever, but, I think it’s interesting that the most dangerous time in the relationship with an abuser is when you leave. And stalking behavior is increased by NC, and bad behavior gets worse before it gets better.
I think that to a control freak who is losing control of you, gray rock is like waving a flag in front of a bull. It presents a threat and a challenge, that the control freak cannot resist because his ego will not let him.
I think that for many of us, in trauma bonded relationships, especially the on again-off again ones, know damn well that if we play gray rock and go no contact, we will get contact. We think that we are asserting control, but truley we are just playing the trauma bonding game.
I think we know, intuitively that we will get a reaction if we withdraw from our contolling jerk, and then perhaps we will have a little control. Ahhhh, no.
If “the girl” hadn’t had her own agenda, she never would have put up with Hitchcocks controlling and ugly behavior, and, in a way she kept his obsession going by making him believe he couldn’t hurt her.
When I was desparately trying to extricate myself from the relationship with the crack-head, I went through many (failed) attempts at no contact. I think I was semi-unconsciously making a move on a chess board.
I think that going gray rock, and/or going NC can be either a sick and calculating way to gain control over an out of contol relationship, or it can be the only healthy move away from distruction. Sometimes, I think it can be both simultaneously….when you really want out, but your still really in. Anybody got any ideas about this?

Kim Frederick
If I pulled NC when I lived with my spath, he just upped the consequences for me. Believe me, he felt no pain so he could just up and up and up. NC? Would not have worked. NC is what HE did, he never allowed it done to him. Yes, eventually he ‘allowed’ it, but that’s b/c he was done with me.

Sometimes I think I’m really blessed to have an inside scoop on addiction. Truley. Because I understand how denial works and how we lie to ourselves and how we are always seeking to control what we have no control over. How we tell ouselves that “we don’t have it…” that, “this time, it will be different”…how we set ourselves up by going into a bar, for the fish sandwhich. LOL. Or by really believing I can drink only one drink.
I cannot express strongly enough that these relationships that are killing you are no different than the crack-head going back to his pipe. Or the alcoholic continuing to drink even though he has cerosis of the liver. IT IS NO DIFFERENT.
Addicts lie to themselves. If you are going back to a relationship with a sociopath you are going into a bar for a fish sandwhich.
Ok. Rant over. But I really mean this. Look into addiction and study it.

And I like this, too…..If you keep going into a barbershop, eventually you’ll get a hair cut….if you keep going into a bar for a fish sandwhich, eventually you’ll order a drink, and if youy keep going to facebook, eventually you’ll contact the spath, cause you’ve already let him contact you…your soul, your heart and your emotions.

Reading the blog “I lost myself in the relationship with a sociopath” sure grabbed my attention because I’m in exactly the same place. Sadly after over 4 years I still have not found my way back home to myself. It is lonely, exhausting place to be in. I read, read and read blogs here…do counseling…but no matter what I do I can’t shake the despondency and loneliness. I know I will never be the same…it’s an experience that burns you so bad…it’s forever seared in ones memory. But along the way I have lost the ability to connect to people…even in pure simple friendships. I find it difficult to feel deep genuine emotions…be it joy or anger. I have been going to this website for over 4 years but I am stuck. I don’t understand myself anymore either…I just feel dead inside. I am losing hope. I don’t even know why I’m still here. I just want to feel something again. I wish I was dead. I am tired.

Hello everyone; been busy with school so I have not posted much. I turned in a project today for my psychology class. My subject was sociopaths. I waited in line to turn my project in and someone else had chosen the same subject. I looked through hers and noticed it said “there is little if any treatment for sociopaths”.
I asked; “What is the treatment or cure?”. I asked this because in my project I stated that there is NO cure or treatment and that if a sociopath accepted to go to counseling or any type of therapy it would be to fool his/her partner into thinking the he/she is “open to suggested help” there for tricking us into thinking they really have a heart and want to get better.
She replied “Well there is HELP; they just don’t want it”…I said “Well then; there it is…there is no help…there is no cure…because NO sociopath not one of them would seek help with the intent to really change!”
The discussion was going to be endless; she kept saying there is help they just don’t want it!!
I wished her luck and went on with my business.
Our teacher was too busy or I would have asked for her opinion.
????????????????????

Kim,
I haven’t seen that movie so I can’t really speak for it, but it sounds like she was still playing a game with him. Like “hit me with your best shot, fire away.” I know because I’ve played that same game and I’m REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD AT IT. But it’s still a game and it still hurts because it wasn’t the game I signed up for.

NC and Gray Rock are both about bowing out of the game.

For spaths, it’s all just a game. Their investment is in winning –and seeing the look on your face when you lose. That’s what they love best. It’s pitiful because it’s a projection. They need a dog to kick because it’s the only thing that makes them feel like less of a worm.

I guess my point is, no matter how it’s played, love shouldn’t be a power play. It just shouldn’t.

BTW, thanks for that link above. Very very interesting.
It struck me that courtly love, as a construct, is very much like the lyrics to a love song, sung by a rock star, who in real life just goes around having sex with groupies and has no idea what love is.

Kim

You said “I think that going gray rock, and/or going NC can be either a sick and calculating way to gain control over an out of contol relationship, or it can be the only healthy move away from distruction. Sometimes, I think it can be both simultaneously”.when you really want out, but your still really in. Anybody got any ideas about this? ”

Yes, I agree, it can be EITHER a healthy move or a manipulation. ANY thing can be MISUSED and turned into something evil….depending on how it is used.

“Shunning” can be torture or it can be a Christian’s way of showing someone that their behavior is bad by refusing to associate with someone who behaves in a bad way. Depends on how it is used and why.

A glass of wine can be relaxing and good…but it can also be addicting. A pain pill can be a way to eliminate a cancer patient’s horrible agony, or it can be a hit of an addict’s addiction.

Morphine can relieve a dying or gravely wounded soldier’s pain, or it can give a thrill to an addict…

The sex act can be a loving ritual between two people who care for each other or it can be rape.

All these things can be used in a positive way or a negative way, depends on the situation.

So how we treat the other people in our lives can be manipulation or it can be a healthy response.

Setting REASONABLE boundaries is dependent on our CULTURE and our SITUATION, our ages, and lots of things. So We need to think about how we behave in context. The CONTEXT is what tells how something is viewed.

Killing another person can be

1) self defense
2) manslaughter
3) pre-meditated murder
4) murder, first degree
5) murder, second degree

ALL those things involve taking the life of another person but the CONTEXT determines how society views the act. Nothing changes for the dead person, they are still dead, but the CONTEXT of how they got dead is what determines what is done to the person who killed them, and the WHY they killed them.

Sometimes, I think, Kim, that WE do things we know are wrong in response to the crazy making of the psychopath, or we are manipulated into manipulating them back….and those are choices we make about how we behave…just like Patty Hearst helped her captors rob a bank…she was trauma bonded, Stockholm Syndromed to these folks…and she went to jail, but eventually she was pardoned for doing what she did. Was she “responsible” for making the choice to rob the bank. Yep, she was, but fortunately a court saw WHY she robbed that bank and gave her a reasonable (I think) pass. Without being kidnapped she would NEVER have robbed a bank.

Yes, Skylar. Agreed. It’s just a game, and it’s a game I didn’t sign up for, but I was addicted to playing it…sad, but true. I remember when I realized how playing those games forclosed on any real love or real intimacy. 🙁

Deceived,

I’m sorry that you are feeling so low, but we can NOT let our very desire to live be dependent on others, especially not on the psychopath.

Chin up, Chickie! Keep on reading here! Knowledge is power so take back your power! You are not alone,, there are 100s of folks here who GET IT about where you are. (((hugs)))

Olga,
That just goes to show that we have our work cut out for us, in educating others. I appreciate that you are doing your part, both in writing the paper and discussing it with your classmate.

There is a really good book called, “Mistakes were made but not by me.” It discusses how the mind deceives itself.

I’d recommend it to you because it also discusses how people make decisions on what they believe and concurrently, what we can do to help people see our perspectives.

Sometimes a person’s beliefs have nothing to do with logic, but instead it’s a feeling that they are emotionally INVESTED in a belief that makes them feel better about themselves.

Deceived,
it takes time. Lots of time.

I will say this though, you will never be the person you once were, because you know too much, now. But I think you CAN become a much better person, wiser and more powerful than before. Your joy won’t be the giddy joy of youth though, I think it will be a deeper, more profound joy.

I said, “I think…” because I’m not there yet, but I can sense it on the horizon.

kim:

Very good observation about no contact. I agree 100% about the game playing and how sometimes we end up playing the spaths game. I was there; I did it for a short time, but that’s not who I am so it didn’t last long. But I remember thinking exactly as you said…that maybe if I pulled back, he would come running again. He never really did. Anyway, great thoughts…thanks for your insight.

It has been almost 7 months of STRICT NC on my behalf although ‘light’ stalking has been taking place. Emails and cyberly, mostly, now.
I have it pretty much LOCKED out of my life. It feels good too. I never thought I would ever FIND myself again. I thought I was a ‘goner’ and off the deep edge and that I wouldn’t make it back but I am getting back.

I will never be the “ME” I used to think I was but I am someone
different now. Not entirely different but more aware and more
careful about myself and the choices I make and the people I
let around me. I don’t think I will ever come out of that shell,
ever again, but I can tell you one thing: NOBODY will EVER do
to me the things “IT” done to me, not ever again. Period.

The constant stalking is game playing.
I would imagine I am in “IT’s” thoughts a lot…
I surmise these ‘intrusions’ as those brief moments
where he just can’t let it go…hm? Hard to get through
to someone who isn’t listening anymore….

I don’t care anymore.
I want MY LIFE back and that is exactly what I am
starting to find. I remember who I am now. I also
remember everything of the past 13 years although
my unconscious tried deceiving me.

It’s wonderful being able to be me again.
I never thought I would find myself like this again.

The hardest part is keeping the hate at bay.

Dupey

Thank you Skylar. I will check out the book; sounds interesting! Skylar said to Deceived “You will never be the person you once were”
I can say AMEN to that!!!! After the pain; after recovery after the “STORM”…if we really look at the whole picture….we can choose to Learn so much! Blessings to all!

The really interesting thing about traumatic bonding is that the abusive jerk is just as addicted to you, as you are to him. Of course this is all denied. The entiriety of the relationship is founded on your belief that you’re worthless; a bane to his existance; a burden; someone who is all wrong; the biggest mistake of his life…..but, no. He needs you, desparately. He needs you to be the fall guy. He needs you to take the blame. He needs you to grovel and cry. He needs you to whimper. He needs you to plead. He needs you to bolster his sense of control. He needs you to give him a sence of identity. In short, he needs you.
You, need to be needed. It sucks, but it;s true. So true.

There was a time when I also said, “I lost myself”. You see, sometimes during the early years of my marriage, things would happen, bizarre things. And I’d work through it b/c…. well ya don’t throw a marriage away b/c of ONE thing, and at that time, it wasn’t another woman, or fraud, or attempts on my life.

One bizarre event: It was his not supporting me/sticking up for me when his aunt and his brother’s babymomma accusing me of stealing a sewing machine. MY husband’s response was to think somehow I took it. I was out of town for the weekend, and that’s what he told me upon return. I had my own sewing machine from 15 years prior, and my husband KNEW I didn’t use it and WHY. Also, I was financially secure. He also knew that Stealing was also against my every moral character. Why was it so hard for him to tell them to take a flying leap, that his wife wouldn’t do such a thing.

But that last year of my marriage was like bizarre days EVERY day, every morning, every evening was something new to deal with. The betrayals got overwhelming. I found out that he was sabotaging me to EVERYONE. If I had a friend, he went to them and in short order, they changed their mind about me. I’d get set up, he’d say something RIGHT before we’d walk into someone’s house for dinner, and I’d be reeling, quiet b/c I didn’t know what to day, near tears. He’d be totally pissed at me, I’d be absolutly clueless why, and he’d be saying YOU KNOW WHY, and then like a switch, get very calm like a victim and he’d be accusing me of being difficult, and cancel plans with others telling them that I was uncontrollable and he couldn’t trust me.

When I gave up, I had lost the house I built with my own two hand, I had NO friends, I was penniless, I was the ridiculed wife of a man entitled to cheat b/c he’d “settled for less” so people helped him to cheat and defraud me (I was financially comfortable when I married him), people I didn’t know and never met HATED me, and my daughter had left home for good, after some years at university, she joined the Army.

I lost myself b/c everything that I had defined myself to be was GONE. Not a small biz owner, not a wife, mother, friend. Not intelligent. Not compassionate. Not a volunteer. Not worth anything. Worth just what he said, worth less than nothing, taking up air.

I recovered from the total loss of my identity. When I found LF, I was like a drowning sailor grabbing a lifeline. Yet it didn’t stop. People on here were vicious to me. They still are. But I did not quit when abused by an spath, and I will not submit to the definition of a mean spirited cabal here on LF.

My way back from losing EVERYTHING was to remember my core, my humanity, my integrity. I rebuilt, and yes, I still have trust issues, reasonable considering the abuse I’ve received on here, my new frenemy aligned with my nemisis and I dealt with that like a turtle, I ducked my head and put out my shell for some months. But… I have learned more about boundries and not taking things personally. B/c after all, it can’t be personal; they don’t know me. Meanness is about the person it comes from, not the recipient. I am okay, and ironically, it was the lessons I learned from recovering from my spath that made it possible for me to avoid letting a hater here on LF destroy me, as she sure would have if I was as raw and vulnerable as I was when I first left my spath, when I had first “Lost Myself”.

Thanks Skylar and Ox Drover.

kim:

Mine wasn’t addicted to me…unfortunately. I only say unfortunately because I was so in love with him and I wanted him to be addicted to me, but of course we all know that would not have been good and it’s NOT good. So hahaha…good for me that he was not addicted to me, but I surely was to him. Oh, dear…it was dreadful. Absolutely dreadful. It’s all but gone now. Just a few remnants of my addicted feelings to him still linger. I never thought I would get here, but here I am. Yay for me.

kim:

Just to clarify, I was not negating at all what you said. I do know that these jerks usually are just as addicted when they are in these relationships and they NEED the supply. I totally agree with you. That just didn’t happen to be the dynamics in the relationship I was in, but I think that was only because he was getting supply from other women sources so he didn’t necessarily need it from me.

Also, when I said I didn’t think I would ever get here, I didn’t mean Lovefraud. I meant get here to the place of healing and not feel like I am dying.

Louise,
It’s really good to hear you speak of your healing. I know it’s been a long road and there will still be “those days” but fewer and fewer for you, I hope.

He WAS addicted to you Louise, that’s why he came on to you. But you only gave him measured doses and he couldn’t gorge himself on your emotions, so he got bored.

Blood sucking insects will actually pump chemicals into their victims before they start to feed. Some pump a bit of anesthetic and a bit of anti-coagulant, so that you don’t feel the sting and your blood doesn’t clot while they’re sucking.

Spaths do the same thing. The love bomb is the anesthetic, and the drama is the anti-coagulant.

You swatted him away whenever he tried to feed. lol.

Yay for Louise ~! I am so happy to hear you say your gettin over that aweful relationship..call it what you want ( addiction, trauma bonding, whatever ) I remember the PAIN of being (in love?) if that was being in love I dont want to ever go down that road again..been there done that…the truth Louise , whatever it was, thank God and greyhound they are gone….

Katydid, we had a row, a long time ago. Are you thinking that I am attacking you? I’m not. What I posted had nothing to do with you. It had only to do with me and my experience. I was not aiming anything I said at you. Honestly. I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH BAD MEN. If anything, I was admitting how I play into the game with them. Sorry if I inadvertantanly triggered you. okay? hesitant smile here. 🙂

Sky,
Your describing an Alien..

I’m being followed by a moon shadow…moon shadow moon shadow.
Skipping and hopping by a moon shadow…moon shadow moon shadow. 😉 Hens.

skylar and Dance’s with Moon:

If I am so healed, why am I so teary right now after reading your posts? It’s because of course I am not all the way there. I said I still had remnants and may always have remnants. Like you said skylar…there will be “those days.”

You are right skylar…he probably was addicted to me, but I didn’t give him anything to feed on. That made me teary…why I wonder?? Do you know what he said to me that confirms this? He actually said, “I don’t know anything about you.” It’s because I wasn’t telling him anything about myself…I was really holding back with him because I HAD been warned. So even though I dived in, I dived in not head first…OK, maybe I “jumped” in instead of dived in…haha. Anyway, it was a “tell” when he said that to me. In other words, he didn’t know anything about me so he couldn’t manipulate me and hurt me even more. Yep, he got bored. Hell, he hurt me to the core anyway! Can you imagine if I REALLY opened up to him?? God help me.

Dance’s with Moon…same here…I don’t want to ever do it again. Never. It’s not worth it to me. A man will have to really prove he is good to me before I will ever leap again. You can write a book on that.

Thanks to both of you!

Louise,
Why are you so teary? My friend we survived something not everybody will experience, something we can not really explain to anyone else. I think there will always be remnant’s of what if this or that, if I had of done this, if he would of been that. But the further away we get from it/them the more we can see it was just WRONG..your gettin over it Louise, you will never forget.

Kim , I am a moon stalker, a moon stalker…always talkin to the moon…you make me smile KIM..

((Louise))
tears are good.
my dad told me that yesterday. weird. huh? He cries all the time now because he sees what his family really is. He’s almost 80 and it took this long for him to see the truth. We are lucky I guess, to have seen the truth before we hit 50.

((Dupey)),
I see you healing too. And I’m so happy for you. For a while there I didn’t know if you were gonna make it!! But now I know you will. You sound better each day. I can’t wait to see how you sound in a year or two when the slime has washed off you some more! 🙂

Moon Stalker:

I think I got teary because when skylar said he was addicted to me, I got that oh, what if? feeling. Just like you just said…what if this or that. But in my gut, I know doing things any differently wouldn’t have made any difference. NONE whatsoever. I would still be in the same spot I am now, I am convinced of it. Yes, it was WRONG on all levels. The ONLY thing that was not wrong is that I did love him and love is never wrong (well, maybe).

Yep, you got it…I am getting over it, but I will never forget. But that’s OK because if I forget, I forget the lesson and then I will make the same mistake again and I never want to do that again.

skylar:

I’m not crying 🙂 I just got really teary and almost cried. A wave just came over me. That happened at the store today, too.

Awww, your dad. It is sad. Almost 80 years old and finally realizing 🙁

Yes, I feel blessed that I got it at 49! But why couldn’t I have gotten it at 19?? 🙂

Louise,, they are kinda addicted to us like a tick is addicted to blood. Yes we were in love with them until they twisted it into something sick and unforgetable..

Moon:

Yes…sick, twisted and unforgettable. No doubt.

Dances,
I guess I DID describe an alien.
Cuz that’s what they are!

It was a close encounter of the spath kind.

skylar:

Oh, he also asked me at the beginning of the relationship why I didn’t call him! “Why don’t you call me?” Haha. He was sooooo used to the OW blowing up his phone with calls and texts that he thought there must be something wrong that I wasn’t calling when in reality, I was the “normal” one and he wasn’t used to that. Geez.

Louise,
I love that you didn’t play his game. You undermined his confidence. You deserve a medal for that. It should be our mission in life to find spaths and undermine their confidence. lol.

Edit: and then we shun them. 🙂

skylar:

I know you are right. Of course I will always wonder if the outcome would have been different if I played along, but I have to be convinced it wouldn’t. After all, others did play the game and he’s not with them either. But why would I even want him? So I dashed his confidence, yeah? Hmmmm. Makes me think. Our mission in life…too funny!

I am shunning now with No Contact. He deserves it.

Louise,
He’s simply a disordered person with shame issues. He can’t ever appreciate a woman who loves him, because he can only envy you, for EVERYTHING that you are.

I did love my spath for 25.5 years and it made no difference. Possibly it made him hate me more. They are simply perverse.

skylar:

Disordered without a doubt. The shame was all over his face. Only I’m not sure if that was part of his pity play? Looking shameful?

Sorry that you were with him for so long. That’s sad.

Louise,
it is sad. At least I don’t have any doubts about whether I should have tried harder. lol. How much harder can a person try?!

Some show their shame on their face and some don’t. I think that the ones who do, aren’t really spaths, they are possibly borderline. A spath is ALL about the mask.

Still, it’s hard to say if you were looking at real shame or just a mask of fake shame that hid his REAL shame. The true spath is a master of disguise. My spath used to apologize with cards and flowers. Once he gave me a card and signed it, “the creep”.

Because that’s what I called him. “creep”. LOL. If only I had listened to MYSELF!

Dear Buffalo Girl,

Wow…Isn’t it just beyond our comprehension that we get involved with these maggots when we believe that we “know better”?….Our belief in the “good” in people, the better side of the profile, the misunderstood “soul”, become beacons to us when we get duped…..

Well, those nuns knew….Maybe when the mother nun and the others surrounded him, they certainly wanted to give him a good beating that he most certainly deserved way back then…That was the big red flag…and the smirk he gave….seen that all before….my ex spath used to be a cop….so he felt he had immunity to speeding….he would drive 80-90 miles an hour and if he was stopped, he would have that smirk on his face and show the cop his ID….tell the cop he was on the job…..and he then would joke with the cop and they would laugh and he never ever got a ticket….entitlement…..and he always had that smirk and look of glee with a strange beam in his eyes….

Once I told him about some of the “bad” choices I made in life and how I had dated several men at once (although I never slept with them) and this happened when I was very young…Probably I was much smarter then as I was able to compare and review them….but the point is that he was starting to get that look in his eyes….and asked me why I dated them all and I said I liked them all….and let me tell you, I got a creepy feeling when his eyes glowed and that smile came on his face…as If he was thinking how I was like HIM!!!!!

I found on his email a site he joined for married woman who want to cheat…he listed he wanted no strings attached and that anything goes…..my my, doesn’t the list go on?

By the way, I have had several sp’s in my life so when I post I refer to different ones with my experiences. I never knew what it was all about until I came here 6 years ago….and involved with one and another around that time…..but

never too old to learn!!!!!!!

skylar:

Shame. It can be a confusing web. I think with mine it was a mask of fake shame that hid his real shame. How can they be so complex? It’s amazing to me and I’ll always remember him telling me, “I’m different.” Those two words will always haunt me.

The creep…haha. That was a “tell.”

I hope you are well this morning.

Thanks (((skylar))) for the validation on my healing.
It’s good to know someone else can see it other than me.
It’s kind of like being locked in a dark cave and someone
waving a light…helps you find your way out. So, thanks. xxoo

I AM doing better.
The stalkings are very ‘light’ and from very far away now…
I mean, I have all but disappeared off the face of the earth.
Imagine that. With all the crap he has done to me, (most of
it criminal), I would be thinking about me too, I suppose: like
when the shoe is going to be falling ON MY BUTT; hm?

I don’t have time for any more of these games.
And, that’s pretty much what I told “IT”. Take it else where
and stay out of my field of vision unless you really DO like
being locked up in a little cage somewhere, which is really
and truly what you deserve. Not just for my justification,
but for all the other innocent, abused women he has duped
along the way.

MAGGOTS: that is exactly what they are.
They don’t comprehend virtues nor righteousness in
anything they do. You waste your breath and your life
trying to get them to see the ‘error of their ways’ but
just like maggots, they will devour the rotting flesh
and walk away laughing….

I am doing alright; trying to keep this HATE BOMB
from growing within me….I tell myself all the time:
“It’s alright…”IT” is the loser….” and, it’s true.

Thanks skylar…hope you are well and doing alright.
I say prayers for you all the time.

Love ~ Dupey

Louise,
good morning.
I’m doing great, just finished my work out. And you?

Yes my “creep” also said something similar after I left him, “I’m something –I mean someone, whom you’ll never HOPE to meet again.”

yep.

Dupey,
maggots. That is exactly what they are. Immature worms that feed on death.

skylar:

Good for you for working out! I am getting ready in a bit to go on my walk/jog in this brisk, chilly weather and then tonight I am off to a wine dinner. Can’t wait. The Producer of the old “All in the Family” and “Maude” TV shows will be here promoting wines from the vineyard she owns…Meeker Vineyards. It’s going to be a great night!

Yeah, we can only HOPE to never run into someone like them EVER again. God help us.

Kim Frederick
No I absolutely do Not believe you are attacking me. If we had a disagreement in the past, I forgot it.

The title of this subject “I Lost Myself…” is something I often said about myself. People say, what happened to you, and I say, I lost myself. And I had a reason for saying it. It wasn’t because I gave away myself, it was b/c various nepharious people helped my Spath x! husband take my identity from me, a concerted focused sabotage done to destroy me.

Only One person on LF continues to insist her definition of me as spath is true. That person also has an agenda, and I tried to warn my new friend but to no avail. I was betrayed.

I came on LF thinking I’d get understanding and support and had I not done some significant healing before that one vicious LF member attacked me, I don’t think I’d be alive today. I am NOT spath. I was a total basketcase and this particular person decided I was and she felt entitled to abuse me, encourages others to join her, and she continues her agenda to this day. But that person, Kim, is not you.

Deceived,

Just read your post and felt your pain, because I too am in the same spot you are. It has not been 4 years for me but my relationship with my spath was 20 years. A lot to put in perspective and a lot to try and forget.

At times recentely I find myself curling up on the couch in a fetal position and staring at the TV. Don’t care if I’ve seen the program before or not. I am still trying to make sense out of this. Last week I felt great, I almost didn’t think of him at all and thought “finally” I getting this shit out of my head. And then he came to me in a dream and it all started over again. I too wonder if it will ever stop. One thing I have learned is the pain lessens as time goes by. I remember when I first learned what he was I actually felt physical pain like someone was tearing my heart from my chest. This has now gone away but I’m still dealing with the crap in my head.

I have often been as tired as you and wanted to die just so the pain would stop. But when I thought of ending it all I remembered the words from an old Ozzy Osborne song. Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. Love that Ozzy. Always made me stop and think there might be something great right around the corner all I have to do is wait. So I’m waiting and coming here and reading about everyone’s pain and I don’t feel so alone.

If I had a magic solution I would surely share it but the best I can do is let you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Buffalo Girl. Reading your story was like reading my own story with an Spath. Except my Spath was a bald, fat man who repulsed me physically the first time I met him. We met online and he lovebombed me right away. I had been single a long time and was really flattered by the attention. Eventually I fell hard for him. He lived 130 miles away so he could easily live a double life. He then took a job in Tennessee and I flew to see him every 3-4 weeks. By that time I was completely in love with him. His phone was full of women. Women calling, texting, etc. How on earth this physically unattractive man gets all of these women buy hey he got me!!! And I am a very successful attractive girl. He put a passcode on his phone so I couldn’t look at it. Then I found a woman’s tank top under his bed which he explained away. He had two male roommates so it must be one of theirs and it got mixed into my laundry. Then I found a condom in his wallet but one of the first things he told me is that he prefers not to use condoms. I would later learn that he wants to impregnate his victims so he can lock them down and they would have to pay him child support. The man hasn’t held down a job ever. He lost his job as a teacher because he had an inappropriate relationship with a student. His story is that the Superintendant didn’t like him and concoted the student story to get rid of him. Course because it is NEVER his fault. Then came the elaborate story about this boatiing accident where two of his friends drowned and he was the only survivor. More lies. In reptrospect he may have killed them likely to save himself. He idolized his brother (or that is what he will tell you) who sadly passed away in his 30’s from cancer. However when I spoke to his THIRD ex-wife she told me that his brother and his wife had told her to leave him because he is a jerk. So apparently his brother was on to him. His step-father also told his ex wife that she could certainly do better. His mother enables him though and supports him financially. He lives in a filthy apartment lives on food stamps and unemployment which has completely changed my view of the welfare system. This man does not even attempt to find a job. His full time job is preying on women on the internet looking for his next victim. And yes all of our travels, dinners out, clothes (I was embarrased by the way he dressed so I always bought more appropriate clothes) the gas money to come see me was all funded by me. It has been a tough jounrey to heal but I am getting there. I am dating. And I am educating myself and I am learning from all of you on this blog. My wish for every woman on here is that we will find a happy, healthy relationship and that we never have contact with another Spath. I sometimes find myself weak and send him a text. He doesn’t respond and I am always grateful he doesn’t. Because I am afraid if he did I would be back in his clutches. So I celebrate every day I don’t send a text because I know deep down in my heart that he is a very sick man who is incapable of love and I am just another one of his victims. And there will be more. I wish there was a forum where we could prevent women from getting involved with these monsters. They shouldn’t be allowed to get away with hurting so many innocent people. If you want to read the words of a textbook Spath you can check out his sick blog – domesticstud.blogspot.com where he tries to use big words to talk about finding love. Just another forum for his to try and lure in his next victim.

Thank you, Stormy. Do you ever get the feeling like you’re a failure and there’s something wrong with you because you read all these stories of other people here on LF and they seem to be making progress and they sound so strong and moving on with their life? And here we are and can’t get over the break-up. It’s been over 4 years since he left me. He betrayed me, used me and hurt me so bad and yet in my heart of hearts I feel he’s the love of my life and the one who got away – even though he cheated, lied and played so much head games but each time I took him back – and after 4 years of no contact I still can’t get over the man. I felt so alive when I was with him and my greatest fear is that I will never feel that way about any other man and I will be aching and longing for him for years to come. Here I am living out my greatest fear and still stuck on a man who caused me so much pain.

Send this to a friend