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Poor Bonnie or Bonnie and Clyde? A look at the accomplice

Where we find psychopaths, we may find accomplices.  There are no shortages of individuals who are ready and waiting to champion psychopaths’ causes or support their agendas.  This happens in a variety of circumstances and for a variety of reasons.  However, if our brushes with psychopathy came by way of romantic involvement, we may have lived through the experience  of having been “replaced.”  This is common because relationships with psychopaths do not endure.  This doesn’t reflect on us, as we probably once thought.  Rather, it is merely a phenomenon that comes with the territory.

Initially, we may have been upset or experience sadness and confusion.  However, in time, those feelings tend to subside, especially, as we gain information regarding what we were dealing with and just how psychopaths operate.

We may come to feel bad or concerned for our “replacements” because oftentimes,  they are much like us.  In spite of the fact that we may feel they played a role in some of the breakdown, over time, we come to understand that they were probably placed under the same “spells” we were.  Their beginnings probably looked similar to ours, rich with lies and pity plays.  We can often predict what their futures hold and may  come to see these individuals as the psychopaths’ pawns or new victims, rather than home-wreckers, as we once thought.

However, there are also times when this is simply not the case.  The next person may not have been chosen for the same reasons we were.  The new person may not be the victim we suspected, but rather, the accomplice.  We may have been busy thinking, “Poor Bonnie,” when we should have been thinking “Bonnie and Clyde.”

What lies ahead for us when Clyde meets Bonnie?

If this happens, we should cut our losses, run quickly, and never look back.  However, there are some circumstances which prohibit clean breaks.  These situations are slightly more challenging, but we can and must learn how to effectively handle them.  When psychopaths enlist other individuals to do their dirty work, and this happens consistently, we must brace for a bit of a wild ride.  Why?  Ask what normal, decent person would want to be an accomplice.   A reasonable and healthy person would probably pass on this type of involvement.  As a result, dealing with both Bonnie and Clyde can be somewhat exhausting.  Wrangling this dysfunctional duo can take practice and patience.

Try to maintain perspective on both of them.  This helps immensely as we muddle through completely false accusations, rampant projection, name calling, set up’s, lies, possible police involvement, and potentially even  frivolous law suits.  Frankly, these examples may only be the tip of the iceberg and we may have to consider our physical safety, as well.

When they launch attacks against us and/or our friends and family members, it will feel wrong and perverse because it is, but we must not lower ourselves in their battles.  There may be times when we react in various, less than perfect ways, as we work to grasp what is occurring, but rest assured, time and experience are the best teachers.

How do they choose their accomplices?

Psychopaths look for what they can use in people.  Their accomplices fill a need.  At the same time, the psychopaths may be filling one or more of their needs too.  We must also consider the possibility that they may have personality disorders themselves.  Regardless, they tend to feel that they are special or have been chosen for legitimate reasons.  In reality, they simply possess usable traits or qualities, just like anyone else psychopaths target.

What does set typical accomplices apart, however, is their propensity for seeing their roles as fun, exciting, or even entertaining, where others would refuse to engage in such behaviors.  They may feel that they are helping the psychopaths attain twisted forms of justice.  Their roles become obvious, especially in cases where the psychopaths or individuals with psychopathic traits, are legitimately incapable of some of the “work” the accomplices do.  If and when we dare question what seems as plain as day, we should be prepared to watch the accusations fly.  We must be ready for anything and let nothing surprise us.

What do we do when an accomplice is involved?

We must re-train out brains to think differently than they would in normal situations where we were not repeatedly being manipulated, framed, or harassed.  We must accept that the interactions will not be pleasant and realize that “nice” is out of the question.  It’s not part of their plan, even if it is what we desire.  We must also learn to stop seeking approval from people who do not matter and they do not matter.

They do not like us and that will not change.  They are not looking to improve any part of these particular situations at hand, as they may claim, either.  Any of our attempts to encourage reasonable communication will fail.  The only genuine portion of their agendas is their pursuit of our demise.  Therefore, we must examine exactly who we are dealing with and realize the lack of value attached to what they “think.”  It’s jumbled and bizarre.  Let it go.

Additionally, we must acknowledge that their exchanges are  intended to make us look wrong or unstable.  Accepting this fact allows us to function without the burden of wondering what’s going on or searching for answers as to why they are doing what they are doing.  It’s the disorder speaking.  Look no further.

They will likely inform us that we are “sick,” “disturbed,” or “in need of mental help.”  We must take it with a grain of salt.  They want us to become upset by their behaviors.  If we do, they can blame us for our “instability” or “erratic behavior.”   Don’t reinforce their false accusations and assertions.  Refuse to engage in any form of “back and forth.”  It accomplishes nothing productive.

Next, stop, breathe, and steer clear of lengthy defenses.  That’s where they want us.  We must not allow that.  Exercise extreme self control.  Over time, as we learn and they no longer matter, this becomes easier.  While still feeling emotional or hurt, this may take great effort, but that’s ok.  It’s worth it.

Understand that in these situations, we are often faced with two dysfunctional people whose common bond is  their hatred for us.  Their relationship may have been formed on that hatred or continue to be fueled by it.  It’s unfortunate when “settling the score” is the glue, but it happens and it’s a recipe for disaster unless we come understand and act accordingly.

Recognize our strength and give ourselves credit

Though things may seem ridiculous and endless while in the heat of the moment with these folks, we should remind ourselves not to internalize their words or actions.  Think about how they look to everyone who is not them or those immediately involved with them.  Guaranteed, it’s not “normal.”  We must take comfort in who we are.  We must believe that even if this enters our world, it need not define us.  We should take a moment to recognize our strengths and another to give ourselves credit.  We may even get to the point, when we can shake our heads in dismay at their actions and truly pity them (if we care to even spend our time or thoughts on the matter.)  It really is sad that anyone would choose to conduct their lives in such fashions.

We should treat ourselves well and keep ourselves healthy, emotionally and otherwise.  It is easy for us to get wrapped up in someone else’s “crazy.”  However, we should try to get in touch with and then stay in touch with ourselves.  We should do the things that make us feel “normal,” like the people we were prior to these experiences. When we do, we are better able to visualize ourselves being more than fine, if we are not already.

 

 


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60 Comments on "Poor Bonnie or Bonnie and Clyde? A look at the accomplice"

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I think the “scapegoat” is a “cure,” only in theory. It’s originally a metaphorical vessel to carry away sin. Outside of religious ritual, a human scapegoat is one who is used to divert attention from the actual sinner, IMHO.

As far as the stockholm syndrome and psychological entrapment goes, doesn’t all boil down to cognitive dissonance? Because I wouldn’t target someone to gain access to their money and take it from them means (in my previous system of beliefs) that people that I love and care about would live within that same standard. The TRUTH that someone that I loved and cared about DID, in fact, target-to-steal causes my system of beliefs to unravel, which is uncomfortable – so uncomfortable that I rationalized ALL behaviors that were questionable. It MUST be ME…..right?

Skylar, when someone says something like “It’s okay to be evil,” it makes my blood run cold. I remember the exspath making sweeping statements or precursors to what would follow to PRE-excuse anything that he might do, or had already done. It’s sort of like someone saying, “When I get PMS, you’d better watch out,” or, “Let me miss my NFL Sunday game, and I’m impossible to live with.” They are already excusing behavior that hasn’t occurred, yet.

Crazyness…..

brightest blessings!

A dark, ever increasingly evil involvement is as unique in situation as we are ourselves. Every last one of us. While we can ‘relate’ and understand what we have each come through, in compassion, sometimes the psychological entrapment runs so deep that it becomes more than just ‘regular abuse’. Although I do agree that ALL abuse, be it psychological and/or physical is one in the same. There is no distinguishing between the two when you are the ‘receiver’. All be it, I do think that the psychological may be just a little bit more DAMAGING than the bruises. There were times that I almost wished I HAD taken the beatings instead of the mental entrapment. It is hard to describe and/or define just what that is like: being dominated by a psychopath and then when you find out ‘what’ “IT” is, suddenly< YOUR VERY LIFE BECOMES THE TARGET. Your breath. Everything about you. The point was to devour slowly. Like a snake will do with it's prey: consume and then it sits there, in the digestive juices while it breaks down into nutrients. I see "IT" in no different light anymore than that snake.

Trying to break free from the psychological entrapment has been exceedingly difficult because these animals do prey upon the very threads within us that stands for all that is good and in good conscious to others. They do not subscribe to these things.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
It is quiet, about me again, couple weeks:
the minions have been trying to get through the abyss…..
more than a few times in the past month…NC all the way now!
Least from me…I am finished being abused; threatened and thrown around by a psychopath. Period.

I am rested and have my armor on…
I remember now "WHO" I used to be….
But now, I see that I am or have to be
someone different again in my life but
that's okay because this is the real me, now….
the one that doesn't HAVE TO tolerate it anymore.

If that makes any sense.
CARING sometimes only gets you thrown to the wolves…
Choose wisely…it's okay to be selfish sometimes and RUN!

Dupey

The scapegoat is not just a theory, it is the reality that humanity tends to need to blame someone when things go wrong. We want someone to be held responsible.

The scapegoat is the “cure” because once we hold the scapegoat responsible, then WE FEEL BETTER. Our distress is cured.

The scapegoat is the “toxin” because we say he is. HE was the cause of our calamity, our distress, our bad feelings. So we make him our “poison container” and he is made responsible so we don’t have to be.

That is Girardian theory. It is an observation about humanity.

MY theory is that the spath is a guilty scapegoat by choice or by the design of another spath. Then he tries to pass the hot potato of guilt on to another person and slime them. I think that the spath doesn’t mind being guilty, he just wants to make you guilty too, because that is how he handles his shame, he slimes you with it. Now, by comparison, he doesn’t seem so dirty, because you are just as dirty.

Like my spath sister said, “Skylar, everyone is evil. I’m evil, you’re evil, spath trojan horse husband is evil, uberspath is evil. It’s ok to be evil.” She was right about all of them being evil, except for the part where she said that I was evil. But she thought I would accept the slime, the same way she accepted it when her spath husband slimed her. Sorry charlie, no go, I won’t accept slime.

skylar: here, here! I completely agree with you about passing the responsibility down and perpetuating it. That way they are NEVER responsible for anything. SCAPEGOAT: “IT” tried real real hard to make ME the scapegoat but I was nice enough to let “THING” (one of the many minions) have it. With her ugly involvement, I have no remorse for what she is and has been suffering…..I don’t bother them, they were warned to stop bothering me. I have more important things to do with my life and time now. My days and my time are limited and I am not going to waste any more of it on this nuisance stalker.

“IT” KNOWS all the things it has done to me.
“IT” KNOWS “IT” does not deserve one more breath of mine.
“IT” KNOWS, somehow, in that empty place called a HEART,
“WHAT” it has done to me. “IT” has done enough that “IT”
will look over “IT’s” shoulder until “IT” is able to have control
over the situation again and “IT” is NOT NOT NOT getting that
control, not ever again. “IT’s” MISTAKE was letting go of that
control in the first place, with me…

NOW “I” have the steering wheel.
It IS going to stop. It will.

NO: EVERYONE IS NOT EVIL.
YES: We all fall to grace, from time to time, but we certainly
do not eat other people for our own benefit. That is the big
and HUGE difference between US and THEM: We don’t just
flat out DESTROY & DISRESPECT like they do. They have NO
respect at all for anything but themselves.

They THINK the scapegoat is the ‘cure’ but it isn’t.
In this life, we are all responsible for ourselves,
unless of course, you are a psychopath and then
you have a very handy excuse for acting ugly the
way you want and in my case, “IT” has not wavered
from using it as an excuse, mind you, never seeking
solutions and/or treatment.

In my opinion, if you are capable enough to say you are
mentally ill, then you aren’t mentally ill but evil. Just plain
old ugly evil and I don’t have to tolerate it and I am not.

So, in my previous post, I was so thrilled about it getting
quieter…no sooner did I say that and I received a call
from one of the ‘minions’, trying to call through incogneto,
but my privacy guard picked up the phone number quite
nicely. :::BLOCKED::: DELETED::: This is SUNDAY and
EVERY SUNDAY for the past 12 years, we spoke every
Sunday morning….I don’t know how he got the new
number, must have paid for it. Just like I knew. Doesn’t
take long for a new number to wear off. We’ll do the
‘call blocking’ thing for a while and see how that works.

If I were “IT”, I think I would remember the LAST reception
it got when it came here: six patrol cars and 16 police officers,
all requesting he immediately leave town and not return under
threat of arrest. Period. And, yes, they DO mean every single word. Just as I do.

Well, at least I got some time out of the NC I imposed last April.
Enough time to strengthen up; heal and find the strength and the courage to move forward and trust me, I am.

The stalking, de facto, has begun all over again.
It just caught up with me six months down the road is all…
Do they EVER REALLY GO AWAY???? Somebody, PLEASE,
TELL ME!!!!!!!!! I KNOW I MUST:MUST:MUST maintain NC
and I have. No matter what. I do not understand this kind
of OBSESSION.

I am quite perplexed by this development, however,
I am not shaken. I stand firm in my shoes. I am healing
physically and emotionally and mentally – “IT” does not want
to tangle with this person now that the ‘magic spell’ has finally worn off.
I stand firm in my continued NC. If you let them in
the door, it only starts all over again…I am finished.

There is NO WAY that “THING” is “EVER” E-V-E-R
coming back into MY LIFE: no way. I would rather
face DEATH first. It’s more peaceful.

Guess I can safely assume where “IT” slept last night…
might want to watch what numbers he leaves on whose
phone…

NC remains in full force.
My final decision.

xxoo

Linda: This is one of the BEST articles I have ever read on LF.
Clear, concise and absolutely 1,000,000 % correct.
It’s everything I had THOUGHT before I read you….

Thank you for giving me a ‘lean’ today…
Your validation is priceless. Especially today.

Dupey

Thank You for addressing this issue. For the last few months I have been focusing all my anger on my ‘ex’-best friend whoI found out my ex was having a sexual relationship with nearly the entire time we were together. I found out by way of my other ‘best’ friend who knew about it for almost a year and didnt tell me, dispite the many times I would go to her to talk about the weird behavior of my girlfriend and how hurtful she could be. It feels like a damn conspiracy and for that I want someone to hurt..the betrayals I experienced were 3 fold and more. Many people benefited from my money and that it was my closest friends makes me crazy.

BlueSkyBlueRain, there are always a host of minions and accomplices where spaths are concerned. Either they’re the BFF’s, coworkers, or family members, but they always have someone supporting and actually encouraging their behaviors.

Lose them ALL – none of those people are truly “friends.” They’re all takers and drama-junkies. Toxic as hell, all the way around.

Today, the instant the stench of drama hits the air, I’m out. I don’t and WON’T make time for anyone who has an agenda, bar none. Family, coworker, etc…….uh, no.

As for “best friends,” I do not maintain a “Best Friend.” The people that I consider to be close, intimate friends are all “best.” Each has something different to offer, but all have one thing in common: absence of drama/trauma. None of them have personal agendas with me, or other people. And, I’m finally at the point in my healing where I can feel COMFORTABLE in picking and choosing whom I will allow into my inner circle.

Yeah……money……. Nasty people…..bad, nasty people.

Brightest blessings

EDIT ADD: BlueSky, wanting “someone to hurt” is a normal feeling, but it can really, REALLY become an obsession. At some point, it will stop being “all about what he/she/they did to me,” and become a focus of “how was I so easily targeted?” Right now, that anger is “normal.” I would strongly urge you to express that anger in a positive manner that doesn’t include telling all of these people about themselves. They won’t care, because they never really cared in the first place.

Thank you, thank you, and thank you for this article.

I was on a support page when with one post about my differing opinion about the “other” woman almost “booted ” me off the page for condemning the “other” woman. Many are not the innocent “victims” that are written about on blogs and facebook pages. They are evil also.

Quite often, the other woman can be just as sick as the psychopath she is in “love” with at the moment. My ex’s GF is extremely narcissistic and “feeds” his ego about being the next big rock star. She also has “visions” of stardom as the next big Bonnie Rait or someone. Too bad she sings flat and screeches like a night owl.

The one thing I DO like about the internet is that these folks readily step up readily to show their ass. This woman for whatever reason thinks she is a child expert?? So, she blogs about her son’s desire to commit suicide and how she felt “betrayed” that he wanted to kill himself. Really? Is this what a normal mom would think when her son wants to end his life at 15 years old? Most people would feel “devastated” not “betrayed”.

So, the red flag here is that many psychopaths will end up with sick people that support some of their very sick traits. Friends are non existent in most of their worlds. Over the years, people have realized how screwed up they are and back away from them.

Indeed, there is a separate group that supports the psychopaths deviant and evil behavior because they are evil also.

Worse cases are the murderers and pedophiles. Sandusky’s wife, Jacey Dugard’s captors, and the woman that hid her husband’s car when he was picked up for raping Asian women in Seattle earlier this month.

Sick people surround us. Yes, the best thing to know in this life is HOW to recognize them and RUN the opposite direction. Thanks for supporting what I have always believed about many of these “other” women.

hope52,
I understand what you mean. There will always be spath on spath violence and the loser comes out looking like a victim, but that doesn’t mean they have learned anything about compassion. On the contrary, they just want to use the experience as a source of another pity ploy that they can use to ensnare their own victims. They need to slime someone else to get revenge for the slime that was left on them.

It isn’t about healing, it’s about sliming. And yes, the internet does expose them. They think they can keep using the same old tricks and we won’t recognize them, but we do – at least many of us do.

Thanks for your very insightful post and also for the news about the rapist in Seattle. I hadn’t read about that and I’m absolutely disgusted by his wife, the assistant city prosecutor. She has been tampering with evidence.

What is most distressing is that she has been re-assigned duties, but IMO, she is not being held accountable for her tampering. And most distressing is this statement from the city prosecutor’s office, which I think is a TELL. (I added bold for the tell)

“Although there has been absolutely no indication of an active criminal investigation, we felt it prudent to temporarily reassign her duties,” today’s announcement by the city attorney’s office said. “It is extremely important that we continue to maintain the appearance of integrity here at the Seattle City Attorney’s Office.”

http://blogs.seattletimes.com/today/2012/11/wife-of-rape-suspect-dan-grant-reassigned-by-seattle-city-attorneys-office/

Some people need to get their abuser-fix. They’re used to being abused and will turn themselves inside-out and do whatever it takes to get approval from their abusers. They’ve made their abusers into gods. I believe that some of them truly do not get why others perceive their actions as wrong because “that’s what (the P) wanted.” We’re supposed to grasp that with understanding and approval.

Yeah, Sky, that sure does read like a tell especially when you read the whole article. It reads like a tell in what you quoted, but along with everything else, sheesh. It certainly reads like he’s operating off of two sets of rules.

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