Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by a reader who writes as “Buffalo Girl.”
The boy across the street.
I remember him back in the late 70’s. My family had moved into the new neighborhood. I was 12. He was the popular 13-year-old who always hung out with the cool boys who were years older than him. And they seemed to idolize him. I remember the second day in my new catholic grammar school ”¦”¦ me, the new girl, and him already there for years. But the teachers were fed up with him. Second day of school. The head nun and a few teachers surrounded him in the hall. They were already frustrated and ganged up on him. Saying they’ve had enough and were not going to take another year of his shenanigans. He just looked back at them with a smirk and not a care in the world. It didn’t faze him. He was expelled and moved into the local public school.
Just a little crush way back then. He was intriguing. I used to see him walk out of his house, walking down the street with such confidence to wherever he was going, like he had the world in the palm of his hands. We lived on the same street for a few years. Not much contact, but after 2 block parties we did go escape together and kiss. Then I moved away. I never even thought about him much really.
Fast forward to the early’s 90’s
I was 25, in the Air Force, and had a great life. I had lived in Italy, Japan, and Georgia by that time, had quality friends, and adventure. I always insisted on being treated well by a man. I had experienced some wonderful, healthy relationships with boyfriends by that time. Life was good. Then one day, while back in Buffalo on leave, I took a walk in that old neighborhood. He walked out of his parent’s house. We hadn’t seen one another in 8 years, but we recognized each other and started talking. He suggested meeting at a local bar that night and we did. We sat at the bar for about 6 or 7 hours, drinking, talking, and laughing. It was then and there that his charismatic charm put a spell on me like never before. I was absolutely smitten. We had one more date before I left for my next duty station in Florida, then he disappeared. He didn’t call me like he said he would. I was crushed.
So after my leave I reported to my next assignment. I just couldn’t get him out of my mind, so after 6 months I did write him hoping he’d write back. I didn’t hear from him. Then about 3 months later, he did write me a letter. A few sentences saying he lost my letter and had just found it. I did make another trip to my hometown, mainly to see him. I saw him a few times, was still smitten, but after a few dates during my 10-day leave, he didn’t call me when he said he would, and left me waiting by the phone. This was before cell phones existed. Once again I was crushed. He called the next day with some excuse, and wanted to get together that day. I was upset and mad and wouldn’t see him. I told him that I was never going to see him again. He did still rent space in my head over the next few years, but I got on with life.
A few years later out of the blue, he called my father’s house asking for my phone number. So I did send him a post card with my number on it. But at the same time, I was in the beginning of a relationship that was very comfortable. So we spoke a few times, but when he mentioned that he’d like to fly down and see me, I told him that I now had a boyfriend. So that was the end of that. That same year I got married.
15 years later
An amicable divorce, retired young from the military, in my early forties, and I finished my college degree right before retirement, debt-free. Two beautiful daughters adopted internationally. One day, after all these years, curiosity got the best of me, and I called his mother and asked her to give him my phone number. He called me within the hour. His mother told me that he was living with a woman in Arizona, but he didn’t mention that until I brought it up. So we chatted, but nothing became of it.
The next year, I moved back to my hometown, which I had always wanted to do. I was bored one day and gave him a call. It turned out that he had also moved back to our hometown (alone). Due to the housing crisis, and him being in construction management, he had no other choice but to move back and network/work with people that he used to know.
That’s when it all started: The love-bombing”¦”¦ hooking me again. Going out to neighborhood bars together with jukeboxes that had the oldies music that I loved. Summer days, really fun, carefree bantering with his friends (young and old) at the bar. Everyone knew him. I was cautious at first, but it made me feel like a teenager again. Plus his friends would tell me. “He’s a great guy.” He would tell me, “You’re my last stop.” It’s interesting how he’s able to cast a spell over some of the men also ”¦”¦ Why? Because he’s such a character. The movie “Goodfellas” was a huge hit. And being around him these guys get a front row seat. He was entertaining to them. It was fun for them to watch, as long as he wasn’t dating their daughter. It’s interesting how he’s down and out, doesn’t even have a credit card, in debt (but doesn’t care), lives in a dive apartment, but at the same time ”¦”¦ very nice clothes, and some of the most well-known attorneys and successful businessmen think well of him. He has them on his speed dial. He’s so good at charming whoever he wants to charm.
He was confident, jovial, fun, carefree, and I couldn’t get enough. But there were red flags. A typical evening: We go out to eat. He always likes to sit at the bar to eat. We walked into a place. After a little while, another group of people walked in. In the group was a woman, all dressed up. She saw him and then a look of devastation came on her face. He walked up to her and said something and came back. I glanced at her and she looked so sad. He then said to me, “I’ve never dated her. She’s Psycho.” Well, she didn’t look psycho to me. She looked hurt. Even though her group had just arrived, she then disappeared. Then a few minutes later he gets a phone call. I heard a woman’s voice. He said, “Well, call me when you get into town,” and hung up. All in a day’s work for him. That following Sunday he was nowhere to be found. He didn’t return my calls until that evening and said he left his car in his partner’s truck. Strange because he always had his phone on him.
The other woman
Right before we reconnected this time, he was living with another woman for a while when he first moved back home. But she moved away to Florida for work. After a few months of me seeing him, I noticed that he was still in contact with her. If his phone rang and we were out, he would step outside to take the call. Also, when we spent the night together, the phone always rang while he was asleep.
Then he started getting aloof. He knew that he had gained my trust. We had a spat because I told him that if he’s still in contact with his old girlfriend I no longer cared to be involved. He assured me that he was never going to see her again. Then he said that the next week he’s got an out-of-town job paint job for 4 days. It didn’t make sense. Who would pay someone 50 cents a mile to drive 250 miles away and not hire locally? A few days before he was leaving, I saw that he was starting to pack, and it definitely looked like he was packing for the beach, not for a job in Upstate NY in the Fall. So I thought, well, I’ll know when he’s gone, because I’ll just drive by his partner’s house and see if his truck his still there. If it is, it’s a lie, he went to see her, and that’s the end of us.
But the night before he was going to leave, I was going crazy. I really knew where he was going. Weeks before while we were out at a bar, some nice women said hello to him and I met them. I stepped outside while they were out there and we had a conversation. They asked if I was dating him. When I told him I was they were silent and the one said, “Don’t let his negativity get you down.” Well, when he noticed us talking for a while, he whisked me away and we left. In the car, he mentioned that they were friends of his old girlfriend. I knew that one of them owned a pilates studio. So that evening before he was leaving I found her email from her website and asked her to call me, saying something doesn’t seem right with him. She emailed me back saying she’ll call me soon, that he’s a very unhealthy person, and being around him will only pull me into the same unhealthiness.
Soon she did call”¦and she said, “Something’s going on here.” I asked, “Is he going to see her?” She did call his old girlfriend when I emailed her. She said, “He’s on his way to the airport now, but Marsha (his girlfriend not her real name) is trying to get a hold of him now and stop him.”
She asked me if his old girlfriend could call me and I said yes. Marsha called me, and after she asked me a few questions, proving that I was seeing him, she told him not to get on the plane. So he was stranded at the airport after his brother had dropped him off, luggage already checked in, and he had to take a taxi home. Marsha and I were both hurt, but all he could think about was himself. Telling her I’m crazy, he’s never even kissed me. And then calling me and yelling at me on my voice mail. I wouldn’t answer his calls. Marsha and I talked a few times, thanking each other. She told me some horrendous stories about him. He once punched 2 holes in her wall. He used to tell me that she would keep him broke always wanting to go out all the time. Turns out she liked to go out just once in a while, and she always paid.
I was relieved. Even though I grew to care about him so much, it had been really toxic and I wasn’t myself. He tried to call me a few times, but I wouldn’t answer. I thanked Marsha’s friend for her help, and she told me, “Be strong. The only way to get rid of a sociopath is ignore him.”
SOCIOPATH ”¦”¦
I vaguely remembered that term from my sociology textbook, but was not real familiar with it. I then started studying everything I could about what a sociopath was. Wow!! He had every single characteristic. I devoured all of the books. “The Sociopath Next Door,” etc.
Months later, he was still on my mind, and I called him and left a message, asking him why he did that. I did that even though I knew that he was a sociopath. He called back of course, and the last year has been a downward spiral of crazy drama. I couldn’t stay away. I was addicted to who I thought he was, or who I wanted him to be. I loved those memories of the good times. At the same time, I was so mad and frustrated with myself. I knew that he was sociopath. So why was I going back? In the past I had a friend who was in an unhealthy relationship, and after a while, I would only feel anger and frustration towards her for not leaving.
Lost myself
In the past year, I lost myself. Our relationship pulled me into skid row. When I slept over there, he didn’t want me to move or I’d wake him up. He made me feel unwelcome to walk around his apartment. He’d say in a nasty tone, “where are you going!!?” if I just walked into the living room. His apartment felt like a jail cell. So toxic. I got bored being retired so young (early 40’s), and was offered a great 2-year temp assignment. It’s good, but I was walking around in a fog some days at work because I was involved with the insanity. I knew that I was wearing it on my face. At work, people would exchange pleasantries with me, kind people everywhere. Great place. Upper management works hard to make work fun and keep morale up. I felt like I was living a double life ”¦ the normal nice life, and then slumming in this toxic cesspool where he’d borrow money (to probably go out on a date), lie, swear all the time, have temper tantrums, etc. Our relationship consisted of me lying next to him in his dark bedroom while he watched TV, and than having 2-minute lame sex. While all the time, the phone ringing off the hook, (some other woman).
I ended it so many times but he wouldn’t let me go. I would have no contact with him for a month ”¦”¦ then return a call, he’d be at a bar, wanting to see me right away. I met him there. His cell phone ringing and he not answering it. We go to his house and there’s a bunch of stuff on his porch. Whoever he stiffed that evening because I called him had had enough and dropped off his things”¦I’m sure he called her and patched things up the next morning right after I left.
Road to recovery
But I really think I’m finally on the road to recovery right now. The Love Fraud website has helped me a lot. I also read the book, and I will re-read parts of it from time to time. When I was reading Love Fraud, I saw him in James Montgomery. And James repulsed me, so that has helped me to not return his calls. You can’t talk about this to someone who has not been through it. They only think you’re an idiot. Sometimes I wish some of the other victims on the LF forum lived close by so we could all support each other, take walks, go to yoga, happy hour, and enjoy life. Another absolutely wonderful website that helps with recovery is Alexandra Nouri’s website. http://alexandranouri.wordpress.com/
She’s also the author of “So, You’re in Love With A Narcissist.” She is absolutely hilarious, and had me laughing out loud. It’s great to be able to actually laugh at the situation once in a while.
I just have to get over feeling sorry for him because he’s a sociopath and can’t help himself. I guess I need to accept the fact that I will always care for him and worry about him, but have to stay no contact. It will be a challenge, but some days are definitely easier than others. I think it’s going to get easier. I know that I am lucky. He only got me for a few hundred dollars. I am financially secure. I feel so sorry for the women who were taken for everything”¦dealing with that as well as the horrible heartache. Donna, thank you for everything!
To everyone on this website”¦ It is so hard, but life is too short for this ”¦”¦ we all know it. Let’s stay strong!!!! NO CONTACT!!!
Louise,
it is sad. At least I don’t have any doubts about whether I should have tried harder. lol. How much harder can a person try?!
Some show their shame on their face and some don’t. I think that the ones who do, aren’t really spaths, they are possibly borderline. A spath is ALL about the mask.
Still, it’s hard to say if you were looking at real shame or just a mask of fake shame that hid his REAL shame. The true spath is a master of disguise. My spath used to apologize with cards and flowers. Once he gave me a card and signed it, “the creep”.
Because that’s what I called him. “creep”. LOL. If only I had listened to MYSELF!
Dear Buffalo Girl,
Wow…Isn’t it just beyond our comprehension that we get involved with these maggots when we believe that we “know better”?….Our belief in the “good” in people, the better side of the profile, the misunderstood “soul”, become beacons to us when we get duped…..
Well, those nuns knew….Maybe when the mother nun and the others surrounded him, they certainly wanted to give him a good beating that he most certainly deserved way back then…That was the big red flag…and the smirk he gave….seen that all before….my ex spath used to be a cop….so he felt he had immunity to speeding….he would drive 80-90 miles an hour and if he was stopped, he would have that smirk on his face and show the cop his ID….tell the cop he was on the job…..and he then would joke with the cop and they would laugh and he never ever got a ticket….entitlement…..and he always had that smirk and look of glee with a strange beam in his eyes….
Once I told him about some of the “bad” choices I made in life and how I had dated several men at once (although I never slept with them) and this happened when I was very young…Probably I was much smarter then as I was able to compare and review them….but the point is that he was starting to get that look in his eyes….and asked me why I dated them all and I said I liked them all….and let me tell you, I got a creepy feeling when his eyes glowed and that smile came on his face…as If he was thinking how I was like HIM!!!!!
I found on his email a site he joined for married woman who want to cheat…he listed he wanted no strings attached and that anything goes…..my my, doesn’t the list go on?
By the way, I have had several sp’s in my life so when I post I refer to different ones with my experiences. I never knew what it was all about until I came here 6 years ago….and involved with one and another around that time…..but
never too old to learn!!!!!!!
skylar:
Shame. It can be a confusing web. I think with mine it was a mask of fake shame that hid his real shame. How can they be so complex? It’s amazing to me and I’ll always remember him telling me, “I’m different.” Those two words will always haunt me.
The creep…haha. That was a “tell.”
I hope you are well this morning.
Thanks (((skylar))) for the validation on my healing.
It’s good to know someone else can see it other than me.
It’s kind of like being locked in a dark cave and someone
waving a light…helps you find your way out. So, thanks. xxoo
I AM doing better.
The stalkings are very ‘light’ and from very far away now…
I mean, I have all but disappeared off the face of the earth.
Imagine that. With all the crap he has done to me, (most of
it criminal), I would be thinking about me too, I suppose: like
when the shoe is going to be falling ON MY BUTT; hm?
I don’t have time for any more of these games.
And, that’s pretty much what I told “IT”. Take it else where
and stay out of my field of vision unless you really DO like
being locked up in a little cage somewhere, which is really
and truly what you deserve. Not just for my justification,
but for all the other innocent, abused women he has duped
along the way.
MAGGOTS: that is exactly what they are.
They don’t comprehend virtues nor righteousness in
anything they do. You waste your breath and your life
trying to get them to see the ‘error of their ways’ but
just like maggots, they will devour the rotting flesh
and walk away laughing….
I am doing alright; trying to keep this HATE BOMB
from growing within me….I tell myself all the time:
“It’s alright…”IT” is the loser….” and, it’s true.
Thanks skylar…hope you are well and doing alright.
I say prayers for you all the time.
Love ~ Dupey
Louise,
good morning.
I’m doing great, just finished my work out. And you?
Yes my “creep” also said something similar after I left him, “I’m something –I mean someone, whom you’ll never HOPE to meet again.”
yep.
Dupey,
maggots. That is exactly what they are. Immature worms that feed on death.
skylar:
Good for you for working out! I am getting ready in a bit to go on my walk/jog in this brisk, chilly weather and then tonight I am off to a wine dinner. Can’t wait. The Producer of the old “All in the Family” and “Maude” TV shows will be here promoting wines from the vineyard she owns…Meeker Vineyards. It’s going to be a great night!
Yeah, we can only HOPE to never run into someone like them EVER again. God help us.
Kim Frederick
No I absolutely do Not believe you are attacking me. If we had a disagreement in the past, I forgot it.
The title of this subject “I Lost Myself…” is something I often said about myself. People say, what happened to you, and I say, I lost myself. And I had a reason for saying it. It wasn’t because I gave away myself, it was b/c various nepharious people helped my Spath x! husband take my identity from me, a concerted focused sabotage done to destroy me.
Only One person on LF continues to insist her definition of me as spath is true. That person also has an agenda, and I tried to warn my new friend but to no avail. I was betrayed.
I came on LF thinking I’d get understanding and support and had I not done some significant healing before that one vicious LF member attacked me, I don’t think I’d be alive today. I am NOT spath. I was a total basketcase and this particular person decided I was and she felt entitled to abuse me, encourages others to join her, and she continues her agenda to this day. But that person, Kim, is not you.
Deceived,
Just read your post and felt your pain, because I too am in the same spot you are. It has not been 4 years for me but my relationship with my spath was 20 years. A lot to put in perspective and a lot to try and forget.
At times recentely I find myself curling up on the couch in a fetal position and staring at the TV. Don’t care if I’ve seen the program before or not. I am still trying to make sense out of this. Last week I felt great, I almost didn’t think of him at all and thought “finally” I getting this shit out of my head. And then he came to me in a dream and it all started over again. I too wonder if it will ever stop. One thing I have learned is the pain lessens as time goes by. I remember when I first learned what he was I actually felt physical pain like someone was tearing my heart from my chest. This has now gone away but I’m still dealing with the crap in my head.
I have often been as tired as you and wanted to die just so the pain would stop. But when I thought of ending it all I remembered the words from an old Ozzy Osborne song. Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. Love that Ozzy. Always made me stop and think there might be something great right around the corner all I have to do is wait. So I’m waiting and coming here and reading about everyone’s pain and I don’t feel so alone.
If I had a magic solution I would surely share it but the best I can do is let you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Buffalo Girl. Reading your story was like reading my own story with an Spath. Except my Spath was a bald, fat man who repulsed me physically the first time I met him. We met online and he lovebombed me right away. I had been single a long time and was really flattered by the attention. Eventually I fell hard for him. He lived 130 miles away so he could easily live a double life. He then took a job in Tennessee and I flew to see him every 3-4 weeks. By that time I was completely in love with him. His phone was full of women. Women calling, texting, etc. How on earth this physically unattractive man gets all of these women buy hey he got me!!! And I am a very successful attractive girl. He put a passcode on his phone so I couldn’t look at it. Then I found a woman’s tank top under his bed which he explained away. He had two male roommates so it must be one of theirs and it got mixed into my laundry. Then I found a condom in his wallet but one of the first things he told me is that he prefers not to use condoms. I would later learn that he wants to impregnate his victims so he can lock them down and they would have to pay him child support. The man hasn’t held down a job ever. He lost his job as a teacher because he had an inappropriate relationship with a student. His story is that the Superintendant didn’t like him and concoted the student story to get rid of him. Course because it is NEVER his fault. Then came the elaborate story about this boatiing accident where two of his friends drowned and he was the only survivor. More lies. In reptrospect he may have killed them likely to save himself. He idolized his brother (or that is what he will tell you) who sadly passed away in his 30’s from cancer. However when I spoke to his THIRD ex-wife she told me that his brother and his wife had told her to leave him because he is a jerk. So apparently his brother was on to him. His step-father also told his ex wife that she could certainly do better. His mother enables him though and supports him financially. He lives in a filthy apartment lives on food stamps and unemployment which has completely changed my view of the welfare system. This man does not even attempt to find a job. His full time job is preying on women on the internet looking for his next victim. And yes all of our travels, dinners out, clothes (I was embarrased by the way he dressed so I always bought more appropriate clothes) the gas money to come see me was all funded by me. It has been a tough jounrey to heal but I am getting there. I am dating. And I am educating myself and I am learning from all of you on this blog. My wish for every woman on here is that we will find a happy, healthy relationship and that we never have contact with another Spath. I sometimes find myself weak and send him a text. He doesn’t respond and I am always grateful he doesn’t. Because I am afraid if he did I would be back in his clutches. So I celebrate every day I don’t send a text because I know deep down in my heart that he is a very sick man who is incapable of love and I am just another one of his victims. And there will be more. I wish there was a forum where we could prevent women from getting involved with these monsters. They shouldn’t be allowed to get away with hurting so many innocent people. If you want to read the words of a textbook Spath you can check out his sick blog – domesticstud.blogspot.com where he tries to use big words to talk about finding love. Just another forum for his to try and lure in his next victim.
Thank you, Stormy. Do you ever get the feeling like you’re a failure and there’s something wrong with you because you read all these stories of other people here on LF and they seem to be making progress and they sound so strong and moving on with their life? And here we are and can’t get over the break-up. It’s been over 4 years since he left me. He betrayed me, used me and hurt me so bad and yet in my heart of hearts I feel he’s the love of my life and the one who got away – even though he cheated, lied and played so much head games but each time I took him back – and after 4 years of no contact I still can’t get over the man. I felt so alive when I was with him and my greatest fear is that I will never feel that way about any other man and I will be aching and longing for him for years to come. Here I am living out my greatest fear and still stuck on a man who caused me so much pain.