By | January 7, 2012 60 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I never thought I was capable of being duped

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Rhonda.”

Hello Lovefraud

After having my own epiphany over this past week, concerning my ex sociopathic partner, I was led to your blog and info, as well as others, that outline the description of sociopathy, psychopathy. OMG!

Oh dear, the relevation. 2.5 yrs with someone and only waking up now – that’s me.

My ex fits ALL the descriptors. The theft, the alcoholism, the constant ‘running away’ for days on end, the threats, the lies, the questions answered with more questions, the secrets, the lot!

I have been holed up in my house this past week, over Christmas and New Year unable to go out. I feel I may be suffering from post tramautic stress syndrome. When I read the stories here from others, I knew those individuals all lived what I have lived through, but still find it unbelievable, even though I know all their stories and mine are true.

Please keep up the good work here – I never EVER thought I was capable of being duped – I suppose in retrospect I saw it coming. Its the betrayal that hurts way more than the end of the relationship – I now feel there is something terribly wrong with me, for having been so blind. I don’t have anyone to explain to, how I feel, because one would have to live this, to truly understand. I think my friends would probably think I was lying or as equally unhinged as my ex, if I told them what had gone on.

I guess that is exactly where my ex wanted me to be.

I love the articles and pieces on spirituality. All things happen for a reason and in hindsight, I think I was an accident waiting to happen. I have learned sooooo much.

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Welcome to Lovefraud! I don’t think you’re lying! I have found this place (LF) to be a safe place to share your experiences. This is a good place to heal and learn. It takes time to come out of the fog. Try not to beat yourself up so much, you were deceived. Hang in there, it gets better!


Thanks for your post. I appreciate your epiphany and am so encouraged you came to see the truth of your partner. I was “duped”, too, so I totally understand! I am thankful for all the reading you are doing and how you are seeing things clearer, now. Thanks for sharing your story, it was an encouragement to me.


You are in the same position as I was when I found the site back in September, after him leaving me for another woman in June last year (following the worse couple of months of my life when I found out he had emptied my bank and he was insisting I was paranoid). This is such a bad place to be and I know exactly how you are feeling. I too had only been with him 2.5 years and married for 1.5 of those years as he swept me off my feet in a whirlwind romance at a time when I was caring for my father in his final months of his life.

He was in the army in Germany and I went over there as soon as my father had died, as he told me he needed to provide a roof ultimately for his 2 children from his previous marriage who were being neglected by their mother due to mental health issues. Once there I got a job and all the bills were placed against my wages and a lot of his wage was unaccounted for. But the credit cards (in my previous name still) were being maxed out and he persuaded me to ask my mother for money from my late fathers estate as we needed it to get straight, but he only allowed me to pay off one card and the rest of the money soon went I dont really know where. The man however, was attentive, loving, and only wanted me until …. I had sold my house to enable him to leave the army and us to relocate in a rented place back in England … and then he changed and started to become distant, go out alone (or so I thought) and started to initiate arguments. When I asked him over this two month period if there was someone else he said I was paranoid and then I checked our bank account (he had kept the card on him and although I had asked for a print out of the account it never happened) as I worked long hours and didnt suspect him to be a thief even if he was possibly having an affair. He had emptied the account of about 8 thousand over 11 weeks (the remainder of what we had left from my house sale), and then it all came out about the new woman and he left me for her. She has 2 children and relies on benefits and he lives with her virtually cost free. He left me with 40K debt to my mother (which of course I can never repay), 26K debt to bank/cards and relieved me of the 40k equity from a property he had nothing to do with that I had saved and worked for over a 20 year period prior to meeting him. All the time though it didnt feel right, and my friends and family told me they didnt trust him (my family do not speak to me for what I did to my mother even to this day). I am now over 6 months down the line from him leaving me and I have found evidence that he had been on dating sites more or less throughout our marriage and do believe that an awful lot of the money was spent on the other women and gambling now and I have shouted from the rooftops about what he has done and what he is to ‘her’ her family, her friends but none of them believe me or even care. No one will understand unless they have it happen to them and of course even when he does leave her he will not be able to wreck her life as much because … in her words ‘I was stupid to allow him the freedom with my money’ and she doesnt have the assets to lose that I had, plus she doesnt even believe me (as he has told her lies about me that pretty much match the lies he told me about his first wife).

I dont know what to tell you but it is a long road when there has been so many lies, so much infedelity, so much financial abuse and emotional abuse and violence at the end of it all. Just take one day at a time, none of this is easy but you will be a very strong person when you do recover and you will know if you ever have the misfortune to meet another sociopathic type. X


That is a horrendous story! How are you managing with all that debt….my heart goes out to you.


I have to go bankrupt and asked him for the £750 to do this but he told me to F*off. I have started university (as I was halfway thro uni when I met him and gave it up to go out to him) and we get an attendance bonus in Feb so then I apply to the courts to go bankrupt using that money. Unfortunately the debt is all in my previous name as my cards were mine before I met him. The new woman knows really that he owes me big time money as when he first got with her she stood with him while he told me that as soon as he starts working (he has a license thanks to me funding his course as a security operative to work in Iraq/Afghan) as he wil be earning huge amounts he will start to pay me back until he has repaid me 50K. Obviosuly along the way things got nasty and now he says I will get nothing from him except a divorce. I obviosuly do not believe he would have paid me anyway as looking back over it all I now see how he manipulated me and my mother for money and the way he is lieing about how I treated him during the marriage (in reality I was a lovestruck doormat ) and according to him treated him coldly, even telling him I loved the dog more (which was actually based on me giving him verbal and pushing him away from trying to kick an 8 week old puppy because it poo’d on the mat). The only good thing in my life is that I have a hope of a future career as a medical dietician but I keep getting consumed by all of this and know that I need to try to get it out of my head and apply myself to study because I am now 45 and there’s not much time left to get that sort of qualification. I am focusing on my career now as to me that experience was certainly a lesson learnt and trust will not come easy again.


Just so you understand …. I am able to study despite no money as in the UK the NHS pay for course funds for certain medical courses and even though I will be effectively ‘black listed’ I am still able to get a means tested loan to help with living costs during study as this is automatically deducted from me once I qualify. Each day I still shed tears but without the university and goal for the future I dont know what I would have done and of course knowing that I am not alone in this world reassures me that I am not completely stupid just was taken in by someone without conscience.


Good for you Mags! You will get your qualification and then the world is your oyster! I was a mature student like you. It’s never too late. I’m 49 and have been teaching 6years.

You’re so right were not stupid. You loved him and he took advantage. The rat. You will have the last laugh. You will succeed ….you sound like a very determined woman! To get through all that with your ex AND to keep on studying. That’s tough going.
Towanda girl


Welcome Rhonda. My friends used to say about me: With Adelle it’s not 1,2,3 you’re out it’s 1 your out. I used to say about myself “You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to pull one over me”
Well guess what? He did it! I was Duped! I thought I was one tough cookie! At first we go through the blaming self and what have you. Be encouraged though, you will feel such a freedom once you get to that place of acceptance; My SP tries to twist things and act like he is the victim, one good look at his past and enough said! Do not allow your SP to twist things…yes we were duped but the poem “Still I Rise” by Maya Angelou says:
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.


“Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

When you are a bit more healed; you will examine much and learn lessons from this and YOU WILL RISE!!! Heads up Rhonda, you will never be the same…you will be better because of this experience….what was meant to harm you will make you stronger and wiser! Keep coming back to LF it helps so much to know you are not alone!


I never really considered that someone would WANT to deceive me in such ways–and with a sweet, innocent smile on his face at that.

New Beginning

Same here, Dawn.

Ox Drover

Dear Rhonda, Welcome….glad you found this place.

Mags, hang in there! I went to nursing school after my X husband (he was not a psychopath but his dad was) and I split up….so hang in there and get your qualification! You can do it, and make the life you want to have! You sound like a very strong woman!!!

New Beginning

Dear Rhonda,

I agree, the betrayal is very difficult to cope with. It would be nice if we had a switch to just move on, but we don’t. Things do get better, one day at a time. Most importantly, be kind to yourself.



Welcome to all of you just landing in this ‘healing place’.
I am sorry we all have met under such horrid circumstances but we have learned much from one another, healed much, because we have one another.

It is a very difficult thing to suddenly find out that your gut instincts were right all along. Lesson #1. Lesson # 2 was learning just exactly ‘what’ “IT” was we have been up against and dealing with. For me, it took five constant, non stop years of emotional and psychological and sometimes physical abuse, in the sense it created a physical shut down of my body, and in the sense that one attempt has been made upon my life and several more threats; in fact, on many occasions, I was explicitly told in detail, how it would happen.

For me, that was the stopping point. When I realized, after my heart attack, that he was purposely trying to harm me, I began searching for answers and explanations of how and why something so evil could over take my life and my world. All because I merely loved and cared about someone? I am and have been ravaged and emotionally raped and beaten.

Yes; and if you ask them why they are that way, they DO say: “BECAUSE I CAN AND YOU LET ME”. I have had it said to me several times and I never quite clearly understood that because all the love bombing and gas lighting was telling me something different. I served a purpose and a need so “IT” was mirroring back to me what “IT” thought I wanted in order to keep control. And the abuse deepened and became worse with the passage of time. The closer we became, the more it wanted to devour me.

It was only when I decided that I was going to take back control over my own life and my own emotions, that I actually started to come out of my deep mental depression and abuse. It was so severe, at times, I should have been hospitalized. I never felt suicidal, I am a ‘solver’ not a ‘quitter’, but barely living life, which ultimately lead to my having a near fatal heart attack.
I have been NC for 8 months soon with “IT”. My heart, physically and spiritually, is healing. Scarring over. I never would have believed that I could have made it this far….I was weak with love for this person. My kindnesses were devoured as weaknesses.

It is only when we decide for ourselves that we have tolerated enough abuse, that we stand up for ourselves and take ourselves back.

After ten years of someone being what I THOUGHT was my ‘best friend’, I found out something entirely different. But that is alright because you see, it lead me back to “ME”.

It’s all about what you choose to accept and/or not accept for yourself any further. It’s standing up for that person “YOU” know “YOU” are, with grace and everything about us that makes us look and search for the answers…

They do not search and look for answers because they don’t know how.

Welcome and hang with us a while.
This is the ‘healing place’.
Peace and blessings.



I believe everthing happens for a reason.
People change so you can learn how to let go.
Things go wrong, so that you appreciate them when they’re right.
We believe lies, so we can eventually learn to trust no one but ourselves, and bad things fall apart so better things can fall together.

So true!



You’re right – you are not alone. All of us have had horrible experiences at the hands of these disordered souls. “Be kind to yourself,” (as New Beginning has said) because you deserve to have good things come your way. You’re off that terrible road, heading down a better road. Peace.


Duped No More: I didn’t know you had been NC only 8 mnths….
It’s been almost 3 for me, I do my best to stay positive. I don’t miss him at all, my mess is accepting it happened and that it took me so long to get out. I have a hard time trusting people; now more than ever. It seems my world is so much smaller; I have less friends than I thought I did but the ones I have are Golden! Wow, it’s tough! Just the other day I imagined just giving him the chance to talk, but like I read in a post here….it’s not that he will lie…it’s that I don’t believe him! That thought didn’t last long…I gag at the thought of entertaining any of his BS. I may have read this here to: This sounds like [email protected]!$voo…the feeling that I’ve heard that BS before. Why in the heck would I put myself through that again! Thank God for the LIGHT! I really wish everyone the best!


Adelle: Yes: why would I put myself through all that again?
Leopards don’t change their spots with the passage of time.
They only acquire more spots.

Yes, 8 months and it took me five years of dealing with it all before I realized it was time to jump ship or end up dead. “IT” was turning more and more violent with the passage of time…towards the end. Horrid stuff.

Yes, stay positive Adelle. Get out, live life. Let it suck you up into it and find yourself as you were before: strong, independent and an individual all on your own.

I do miss him from time to time, but I miss the person I THOUGHT or was BAMBOOZLED into thinking he was. He was never that person to begin with – I thought such good things of him and thought he would live up to those expectations but he never did. In fact, he has tried to harm me like no other person ever has.

Yes, I am very agoraphobic now. Since my heart attack, I have retired and stay pretty much to myself and have no friends left. I have no interest in making any friends if that is the way they will be to me. I have no interest, at all, in ever allowing another male to dominate my life. Not now.

Right; it’s not the lies and deceptions that really mattered, it’s the fact that now I can never trust him ever again. THAT is the important part. Oh yes, gagging at the thought of entertaining anymore of that madness….no, never again.

Yes, the longer I am away from it, the less I care about returning, for sure!!! What a horrid experience. I would never have believed that another person could wreak such havoc on another person. UNBELIEVABLE but as we all know, very real and very ugly.

I am thankful every day to be alive and to wake up and hear the birds. Every day.

Best for the New Year, Adelle ~



Thanks, Duped no more!! I am out; I do not speak to him and I plan to keep it that way! 2012 is going to be great; I just know it!!!!!!!!!!!! Best of the New year to you as well!


Blessings to you Adelle~!

I have found myself, somewhat, again, amidst the haze of dominance and threats and ugliness that was paraded before my life since I first met this person.

It was one lie and deception after another. Just non stop.
I have sifted through and sorted through every single memory and recollection of our relationship now and I have gathered undeniable information and knowledge that really does ‘cement’ it all for me.

It was very difficult coming to a decision on what needed to be done. But when I ended it 8 months ago, believe me, every word I said, I absolutely meant. No taunting; no love bombing; no deceptions; no misunderstandings: I MEAN WHAT I SAY.

I am not such a frivolous person that I toss words around like the word salads they use.

No, Adelle, I have not spoken a peep to “IT” either in almost 8 months and I plan on keeping it that way too.
I think “IT” has a different idea though. Just can’t leave well enough alone…has to push it to the edge and then shove it off…ALWAYS…that is him to a “T”.

2012 IS going to be a great NEW YEAR and I can feel it too!
Stay strong and always believe in your worth and value, Adelle. NO engaging them is good. Be the attention good or bad. Either way it is validating and pleasurable for them. NO ATTENTION and it will dry up and blow away sooner or later. Least that is what I am told. They like to see us miserable and hurting and longing for them…it validates their strength and power. Don’t give them any and the ‘roadshow’ is over.

((hugs)) ~ Dupey

Bob Wyman

I see that comment “I don’t have anyone to explain to” often or so it seems. I know that feeling and it is probably the hardest to deal with. As far as PTS and staying indoors you could be experiencing something similar and if I may advise you, the best thing is to get out of the house. Just take a walk in the sun. It will do a world of good for you! Best wishes.


Amen Dupey….Love the comment…..N/C and the ROADSHOW is over…love it.. you made my morning! Have a fabulous day everyone.


Seriously: the past five years has been just like a three-ring-circus! The 24/7 constant dysfunction, drama, chaos…pffft!

If I want to live in the circus atmosphere, I will just join the circus. Know what I mean?

jordeez: HAVE AN AMAZING DAY; would ya?



Take a walk in the sun with bodyguards.
That is the point.

Somehow that just doesn’t seem fair; does it?


I just came across this article and was so relieved to find people who had been through something like I had.

I am in my mid-20s, and was married for a year before my husband and I realized we were just wrong for each other. We decided to separate, and I moved into my own apartment. A few months passed, and out of lonliness, I decided to join a popular dating site.

The Perp was the first person who contacted me on that site. He was gorgeous, looked very well-groomed, and very intelligent. After a week of chatting online and via text, we met in person. Sparks flew. I hadn’t ever met anyone with so many commonalities as I had. We loved the same food, the same music, the same activities, had the same life goals. He was busy working full time and running a business on the side, so I didn’t think anything of his full schedule.

Here’s the weird part: he claimed to have late-stage skin cancer. He had the scars on his body to prove it. I even met his entire family, who confirmed his disease. He made it seem like it was bad enough that he had just stopped treatments. My heart broke for him–a smart, beautiful, talented man, who was dying in front of my eyes. I wanted to give him the world.

A couple whirlwind months passed by, where we met each other’s families, we hinted about futures together (ie, “we’d have such pretty babies”), we’d gone on amazing dates and adventures. We’d hold hands in the car and sing duets from old musicals. I was completely snowed. I was ready to literally do anything for this man to make the rest of his short life amazing.

After some time, I was contacted by another woman. Turns out I wasn’t the only woman on his plate. In fact, he was a sociopathic player. He would find women online that fit his profile (typically, young, of a certain height, weight, hair color, eye color, and ALL divorced). The fact that the women were divorced or widowed made them vulnerable. He would ride in on his proverbial steed and sweep them off their feet.

I confronted the Perp about this and he vehemently denied it. Showed me “proof” that the other girl was lying. I listened to him, and continued to date him casually for another 6 months. Just this weekend, I decided to snoop around his house/phone/computer while he was asleep. It was all true. He has profiles on SEVERAL dating sites. He finds women anywhere he can find them. They buy him gifts, they pay for his dinner, they pity him for his cancer and want to make it better. The nights he spent working late were spent with other women. The phone calls and texts and emails “to work partners” were him calling other girls, texting other women, right in front of my face. All of his “friends” that he hung out with were girls he was stringing along, just like me.

I am convinced I was kept around because I paid for everything–took him to concerts, trips, events, museums, dinners–all because I wanted to help him live his life to the fullest. He talked about getting married all the time–I am sure that was to take advantage of my health insurance benefits.

Today is literally day one of NC for me. It’s going to be a long, hard road. I am grateful because so many out there seem to have been duped much harder than I was. But the pain still hurts–I thought I’d found my prince charming and all he did was lie, cheat, and steal to my face.

Perhaps through this community I can find some closure and answers. 🙂

Good luck to everyone out there!


Dear ConnedInCharlotte:
Welcome to our collection of good souls.

I am sorry this happened to you.
Please, read, read and more read, here, with us and you will find a REAL commonality = the survivor commonality.

Are you sure you are not talking about MY ex spath?
Very similar. Only mine liked his women older and with health issues…someone that was truly an easy target that he could love bomb and gas light and play with like a cat playing with a mouse.

Congratulations on your first day of NC!
It is not an easy task nor choice but after my just about completing 8 months, I am here to tell you that with every day that goes by, you see and learn a little more….you are on a journey to yourself, My Friend.

I have been where you are right this moment.
We are here for you. You are not alone. We understand you, completely.

KNOW and BELIEVE in your own WORTH and VALUE and let that be your guide through this journey….



Haven’t been here for awhile-got sucked back in by the N over the holidays and I feel like an idiot. There comes a time when you realize that everything that everyone has been telling you is true, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was narc’d again. I will never have any doubt in my mind and I think I finally learned my lesson the hard way.

She started making all kinds of moves like she was interested in me as soon as I started my new job. I held out until mid November and then caved in. She made me think that she was so interested in me as a lover, like she finally had the feelings that I had for so long and she really stepped it up in December. She had me thinking she was going to “come out”. As soon as I started to take it seriously and move toward her, she was faced with what she was heading for and bolted. Some people “come out” at an older age like Meredith Baxter and Kristy McNichol but some people just decide that those feelings are too much for them and take it to the grave.

She finally made it clear that being with women doesn’t fit in with her narcissism-too much like the N who brought me here in the first place. She apparently feels like it will affect her reputation. Yesterday she called me in her house and totally gaslighted me and made me feel small and humiliated me, just like my N father did my whole life. She made me feel two inches tall and started telling me how weak and defective I am and she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be made of stone like she is. I was so embarrassed and I had a huge anxiety attack and had to leave her apartment. I told her that I was sorry but I just couldn’t be around her at this point.

She started telling me that how could I ever be a police officer if I wasn’t like her. I told her that police officers who are cold hearted and made of stone and bottle up their feelings/emotions turn into dangerous officers on the street-they become aggressive and handle conflict with physical force instead of using words/communication and have a high incidence of police brutality.

I ended up confiding in another neighbor about it last night when we went out, because she knew there was some kind of issue going on. I was afraid to talk to her about it initially because I was sure that she would think I was the crazy one. Apparently not. She told me that she understands what is going on and how I was hurt because this same woman hurt her as well. They used to be close friends before I moved in. Apparently she used to have the same job as my N and the N was all wanting to be her friend because she thought that she was important. This other gal that I was talking to told me that her husband got her to leave that job and stay home with the dogs and work from home. Once this happened, my N dropped her like a rock. She told me that she was always there for the N, helping her out and such, and when she got to the point a few years ago where she was in a bad way and needed help, the N completely blew her off and bolted. At that point she knew that their friendship couldn’t be the same and she pulled back from her.

She told me how the N really hurt her feelings by doing what she did. She told me flat out that N is very Narcissistic and selfish and doesn’t really care about others. She made comments about how she only wants to be associated with people who seem powerful and asked me if I noticed how she name drops all the time-so we will all know about the “important” people that surround her. She also told me that she felt that N was trying to talk me out of the police academy because she didn’t feel like it was an important job and that it paid less money.

Anyway, I am hurt but I feel so validated after the conversation yesterday. I am so glad that other people are aware of what she is. This other gal really encouraged me to step back from her and treat her like just the lady who lives next door and nothing more than that. I told her how the N told me that I was her friend, and she said, but Lizzy, she doesn’t know how to be a friend-that’s why she doesn’t have any friends, only superficial acquaintances and she is going to die a very lonely lady because of it.

She also told me that she couldn’t believe how she would think that me becoming a police officer would make me less than what I am. She told me that she really admired what I’m trying to do and encouraged me to make it happen. BTW, I am off the cigarettes and have managed to lose 24 lbs with diet and exercise. I am going to the gym everyday and sleeping a lot better and doing everything that I need to do to make me feel good. I feel so motivated and so good about myself since I am finally losing weight and getting in shape. I feel like 2012 is going to be a great year for me after 2011 was the worst of my life.

I hope everyone on here had a great holiday and I hope everyone has a great new year-free of spaths and narcs!!!

Ox Drover

Dear Charlotte,

Welcome to LoveFraud, a great club that no one wants to join, but when you NEED TO JOIN it is here and totally supportive.

Yep the “lovebomb” is what we call that “sweeping you off your feet” and we all fell for it….the “instant attraction” “soul mate” carp, that is all a LIE though, so congratulations on your NO CONTACT.

NO CONTACT and EDUCATING yourself, seeing what made you vulnerable, learning the RED FLAGS of the psychopath and manipulators (the love bomb is only one of many!) will set you free and allow you to heal and become stronger, smarter and more safe! Good luck and God bless. And again, welcome to LoveFraud.


nice to hear from you. How is your kitty?
I believe that your neighbor pegged the N-woman correctly. From what you have told us, she seemed like all she cared about was appearances.

She will continue to tempt you by dangling carrots. It’s what they do. That’s why you have to go NC. Do not respond with any emotion to her.


Thanks Sky and my kitty is awesome. He is so much fun and mama’s little man. He is changing in appearance too, his fur is getting bulky and he looks a little like a lion.

Sky-you are so right about so many of the things that you told me a long time ago about this woman. Do you remember how you said that she was baiting me? She tried that same issue the other day during her “lecture” of me. She always tells me that my emotions are out of control because I’m not like her. She told me, ” I don’t think you’re crazy”. I think in Narc speak she means exactly that-that she is telling me that I’m crazy because they have forked tongues and speak out both sides of their mouths.
Another thing she kept harping on was that since “my emotions are so out of control that she really thinks I need to get my firearm out of the house because it really worries her”. First of all, if she thinks that I would hurt myself over ANYTHING that she says, she is the most f’d up delusional person on the planet. I told her that she needed to put that out of her mind because it’s false. My firearm is for my PROTECTION and I am also currently actively practicing and receiving instruction on better techniques for shooting at 25 yards when I put my application back in for the academy, since I want to make sure that I don’t go in there with any bad habits. She told me that she enjoys living next to me-of course she does, because she has somewhat to fuck with for entertainment (sorry for the cursing but I’m pissed). I am absolutely going to show her no emotion and have a good time showing positive emotions and having fun with my other neighbors. I am going to give her no information. I really hope that this time I learned my lesson. I ignored my instincts and this prime example of why we need to pay attention to what our gut says.


Liz, sounds like Remy is a Maine Coon? They get that “miniature lion” look as they get older.
My Maine Coone looked so funny when he was growing up, it’s because he was growing so fast. Then one day, his tail suddenly turned into a big feather! And he grew a lion mane. He looks amazing now. But my spath parents have him. They’re in love with him because he’s so beautiful. They’ve managed to kill off 3 of the others and there is one left which they ignore.

The other cats were either very old or I had saved them from death a few times already, so I’ve accepted their passing.

Finding out that you’ve been living with spaths your whole life changes your perspective on things.


Sky-I’m not familiar with Maine Coon, but we thought he was orange tabby when I got him-looked like Morris with stripes and his hair was really sleek and close to his body and it seemed shorter. Now he seems to not look as orange as he did before and his stripes aren’t as obvious. It seems like his hair is getting a little bit lighter in color but he is really bushy. I thought it was him living in humidity now in NOLA, since he came from Missouri. I really wish you could see pictures of how he looked when I first got him compared to know. The hair around his neck is getting long and it kinda looks like a mane.

As far as living with narcs for me, I wonder if I will ever not live around them-they are drawn to me and I attract them and it’s starting to get discouraging because I feel like I don’t know what normal is anymore.


Wow! Love all of your comments. This is a group that you don’t want to join but here we are!
I had an epiphany this past week-end. I entered into the relationship with my psychopath with my heart, thinking that he was doing the same. He entered into the relationship to manipulate and pilfer. The playing field was NEVER level. He had this advantage all along because he was playing by his own rules. Ones I wasn’t aware of.

Somehow knowing this takes the sting out of “How could I be so stupid??””
I got out of the relationship on valentines day. It was my valentine gift to ME. Love me enough to run like heck!! and get a real life.

For me, no one understood what I was saying about him. Like I was lying. The things that happened to me–you–us— we can’t even make this stuff up.
we just lick our wounds, grow, learn and hopefully come out better on the other side of all of this.


Molly: It DOES get better and easier.
Your epiphany is a healthy one. I think we all have felt that a time or two….

I understand you: “no one understood what I was saying about him. Like I was lying.”

That was one parting shot “I” was told:

“You do whatever you think necessary; nobody will ever believe you because you are crazy.”

But, we know who the crazy one really is; don’t we?
Yes, they play by their own rules. After your eyes are opened, it becomes easier and easier to dislike them and leave them behind. Like pouring iodine on an open wound, it only stings for a couple moments and then it’s over and on the other side of this, you win because you find yourself and you are stronger than ever before.

Yes, we lick our wounds and grow and learn…
The other side of this “IS” going to come out better…

We have to remember to count our blessings.
Remember to value ourselves.



being raised by freaky N’s and P’s doesn’t leave much room for normal. Just be happy that you are compassionate. That’s how I see it. I attract the spaths too. They say that nature abhors a vacuum. Spaths have a vacuum of empathy so they look for people with large supplies of it. Just look at the professions you have chosen. First, a nurse: the ultimate caregiver. My spath told me a story, that I’m only beginning to understand now. He told me that he had been chasing his ex-girlfriend to stop her from driving crazy. She was in her car and he was on his motorcycle. (sounds to me like he scared the crap out of her) Anyway, God saw it fit to make the spath crash and he ended up in the hospital. Then he told me that the “Nurses were sooooo awesome” . Well of course they were, they cared about him. That’s what spaths want, someone who cares and sacrifices for him.

Then you aspire to be a cop: the rescuer. Spath loves cops. Just don’t become a volunteer fireman!

Maybe you need to read, “the art of selfishness”

BTW, Maine coons are the best kitties ever, but they can grow to be 25 lbs or more! watch out!



Thank you for your comments. It is so nice to finally find support at this site and actually have people understand my feelings and validate them.

My spath was actually critically ill in the hospital on a ventilator and had a 30% chance of living . I was at his side night and day. When he got better he told me that I saved his life. (Not sure that i really did) but, the sentiment was nice and later when I found out he was stealing from me I had a real hard time reconciling the idea of —- how can you steal from someone who you think saved your life??

It took me a while to figure out that he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. They are clever…. man the lessons we learn on this convoluted journey!!

It is such a long journey working through the emotions of the financial and emotional betrayal.
Now I just tell my friends that it is what I call my “Matrix” relationship. Everything that I thought was real, wasn’t……………

………….and, if I could have ONE “take back” in life, it would be to go back to the day before I met him and NOT meet him. although, in hindsight, it is probably best that we do not get “take backs” because then, I would not get the lesson and the benefit of being wiser from everything that I have and will learn from this…….



Coming out of a relationship of 2 years, and reading the blogs, doing research, and trying to find the answr of why he had no empathy for our breakup after all I have done for him, led me to believe his is also a sociopath.

Took him into my life as the “new woman” while getting a divorce, and not having a place to stay. Took the dogs..and all, while he had no job…

I received flowers, cars, and notes all the time of his appreciation for all I do and how I support him, and time went on, he would go on hunting and fishing trips with the boys, and still be out of work without caring that I was supporting the house. He did small things around the house, and when I moved to a larger house, he came with the agreement he would maintain house and work part time. Well, no work part time, but he did do things around the house. I paid for all the food, dog supplies, training, towels, sheets, vacations, gas…

He would stay home and watch porn, and when I explained I had trouble with that, he would blame it on his experiences with is past wife, and how I intimdate him and he would stop. The computer porn turned to TV porn, which I later found out turned to videos hidden. At the end of the relationship, he would not have sex with me, but blamed me, and then when I would try to justify it, he would make me feel sorry for him with the puppy dog, I’m sorry.

After a while, he stopped doing most things around the house, when the fighting came, after I started with the questions as to what do you do with your time, he got defensive, and he drank. When he drank he was nastly, but not physcially abuseive, however, I was always to blame.

He then started accussing me of keeping secrets, lying, and evenutally cheating on him…Two days after this accusation, I caught him talking phone sex with a girl he used to work with.

I threw him out, and when he came for his stuff, there was no remorse, no empathy, no I’m sorry.

It is idenitical to what he did to his ex wife, and I had told him at the time I didn’t want to be the “other woman” and he should leave her if he wanted to date me….well, he did, when I let him move in…and now it’s da ja vu.

I am literatally sick to my stomach with hurt. I feel taken advantage of, I keep asking myself did he ever care at all? How could I not be so guarded? How can he come to my house and pick up his stuff and not say or show sadness at the situation? How do you emotionally get over that and how do you get the thoughts out of your head that you were duped, and he was laughing about you with another woman on the phone (literally)……..

Ox Drover

Dear 4ever, Welcome to lovefraud. Sorry that you have to be here, but if you do, it is a great place to recover and learn so that you will not have this kind of relationshit in the future.

Read, read, blog, and learn the signs of a psychopath!

Again, welcome and God bless.


Sky, I am so gaslighted right now that I can’t tell which end is up or down. I’m really confused. I know that I am at fault for a lot of things, but I don’t need all of her issues projected onto me. I actually feel like I need to get on here and read every article all over again-like I need to start over in this journey again. I just don’t understand why N’s make us addicted to them and make us obsess over them, because I know that’s what’s happening to me. I feel totally addicted and obsessed. Before I couldn’t stop thinking about her due to feelings of “love” but even now that I’m angry and hurt, I still feel like I’m obsessing and can’t stop thinking about her. I messed up so bad, falling for the major pity ploy again.


EB: take a deep breath and realize where you are.
Realize WHO you are. I know exactly what you are talking about because I have done it so very many times…bought the ‘feel sorry for me’ ploy the ‘I will never let it happen again’ ploys…all the lies and deceits. I fell back and forth a couple of times, actually.

Only thing is, the LAST TIME I slammed that door, I slammed it for the rest of eternity and there is NO WAY I will allow the waft of the evilness I have faced anywhere close to MY LIFE again.

Hang in there EB and remember the lesson.
It’s all we can do.




Molly –

“Somehow knowing this takes the sting out of “How could I be so stupid??””

You were NOT stupid Molly – none of us were. We were scammed – pure, plain and simple.

“I got out of the relationship on valentines day. It was my valentine gift to ME. Love me enough to run like heck!! and get a real life.”

Hey – me too! Not by planning, totally by co-incidence.
It just happened to be the straw that broke my camel’s back when, after 4 months of extremely abusive text messages and stalking, then going quiet on me for several weeks, he suddenly sent me 2 messages on 14 Feb 2007. Both were very sarcastic in tone and cruel in intent. Along the lines of “Happy Valentine’s Day – NOT!!!!” plus a whole bunch of mean and untrue accusations.

It was the one time in 4 months that I actually responded.
I sent him just one message: “Enough B—. Do not contact me ever again. It’s over.”

Then I went to the police station and had him charged over the harassment and upgraded the restraining order I had taken out against him several months earlier, so that he was forbidden to contact me at all.

I never spoke to him (in any form) again.

Best decision I ever made!


I’m sorry you are feeling that way, but glad that you are taking responsibility for your emotions. They are YOURS and you control them, she doesn’t.

The N’s put us on a roller coaster so they can trauma bond us. It’s a love/hate relationship and it has a very strong pull. You are describing exactly that, when you talk about her. They do it because it makes them feel powerful. The attraction to you is that you sense that she is getting her power FROM YOU. That makes YOU feel powerful. That’s why they call us “SUPPLY”. We actually supply them their power. It gives us a high, too.

Are you getting out and meeting people, keeping up a social life? If not, loneliness can make us weak to spaths. Join meetup groups and get a work out partner. Focus on that wonderful ball of fur.


Miss Elizabeth Bennet, I didn’t read all of you r long post above, so forgive me, but what the heck, girl!? RUN. she’s a piece of crap and that stuff about the gun keeps coming up and i am just sure she is setting you up for some damn thing. xo one joy


Elizabeth Bennett,

Hey! I’m not around much these days, but I was thrilled to read how well you are doing – how you lost 24 pounds (not an easy thing) and quit smoking. Good for you! And it sounds like the situation with your neighbor has finally come full circle. I am so excited for what your life will bring for you! I admire you for following your passion in life. I think you will be a fantastic police officer.

I myself recently lost about 10 lbs, which is all I really had to lose. I’m also going to the gym almost every day, doing Zumba, belly dancing, weights, and the bane of my existence – the stairmaster. I finally sold my condo to a great landlord who is renting it back to me for less than my prior mortgage. It has given me my freedom to take the next step, whatever that will be.

But the best part is that I have been attracting some wonderful massage clients who are like kindred spirits. They energize me rather than drain me. I get emails from them telling me I am a gifted healer and how lucky they are to have found me. This is SO validating for me after 15 years in practice and a lifetime of my own healing. I feel like I finally have something to offer to the world.

I’m also glad to hear about your kitty. My last remaining cat is very old, and her health is declining. I don’t think she’ll live 2 more months. But I know she’s had a good and long life with me since the day she was born (on my bed). I wish you many years with your little one, too.



Liz, just read your last post. The old emotional rollercoaster……give it some time. You’ll get past it. Just don’t go back for round 3 with her next time. (((hugs)))


Sky, Star, Onstep, I have been on the rollercoaster for the past week and I’m trying like heck to get off. She started pouring it on in mid October as soon as I started my new job and carried on til this Monday, and then BOOM. I got pulled in so hard but when it came time for her to start dealing with emotions/feelings, she exploded all over me and I blame myself. This is really making me feel bad about myself so it has to stop. I am having fun with some other people and getting involved with community service, so hopefully that will help. I have been in the gym everyday this week and it is making me positive and feel like I’m taking back my own power. I am sitting here typing with one hand cuz the kitty has fallen asleep with his head in my left hand and I don’t want to disturb him cuz he looks so cute. I am also looking into getting him a dog. I can’t believe how many new people are here since I’ve been away.



Welcome back, I know what you mean. I took a two week hiatus and lots of new names upon my return.

I understand the roller coaster.

Going no contact is best if you can swing it.

Going to the gym is great. It’s a great way of investing in YOU rather than all these crazy people.




Thanks Athena! I am doing as much NC as I possibly can, considering she lives right on the other side of me with only a wall between us. I am in a modified shotgun home and all of our rooms mirror each other. I could end up getting lucky though because another neighbor told me that N may be considering buying a house, so she could possibly move.


Liz, you’re spoiling Remy if you get him his own dog! Do you think he’s old enough for that responsibility?


Sky-He is already beyond spoilen rotten! LOL My biggest problemis how to manage the dog with my stupid 12 hour night shifts.


oh, yeah. maybe wait til your neighbor moves and see who moves in next door. If he barks a lot while you are gone, they could complain and force you to get rid of him.

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