Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Rhonda.”
Hello Lovefraud
After having my own epiphany over this past week, concerning my ex sociopathic partner, I was led to your blog and info, as well as others, that outline the description of sociopathy, psychopathy. OMG!
Oh dear, the relevation. 2.5 yrs with someone and only waking up now – that’s me.
My ex fits ALL the descriptors. The theft, the alcoholism, the constant ‘running away’ for days on end, the threats, the lies, the questions answered with more questions, the secrets, the lot!
I have been holed up in my house this past week, over Christmas and New Year unable to go out. I feel I may be suffering from post tramautic stress syndrome. When I read the stories here from others, I knew those individuals all lived what I have lived through, but still find it unbelievable, even though I know all their stories and mine are true.
Please keep up the good work here – I never EVER thought I was capable of being duped – I suppose in retrospect I saw it coming. Its the betrayal that hurts way more than the end of the relationship – I now feel there is something terribly wrong with me, for having been so blind. I don’t have anyone to explain to, how I feel, because one would have to live this, to truly understand. I think my friends would probably think I was lying or as equally unhinged as my ex, if I told them what had gone on.
I guess that is exactly where my ex wanted me to be.
I love the articles and pieces on spirituality. All things happen for a reason and in hindsight, I think I was an accident waiting to happen. I have learned sooooo much.
Dear Rhonda, Welcome….glad you found this place.
Mags, hang in there! I went to nursing school after my X husband (he was not a psychopath but his dad was) and I split up….so hang in there and get your qualification! You can do it, and make the life you want to have! You sound like a very strong woman!!!
Dear Rhonda,
I agree, the betrayal is very difficult to cope with. It would be nice if we had a switch to just move on, but we don’t. Things do get better, one day at a time. Most importantly, be kind to yourself.
~New
Welcome to all of you just landing in this ‘healing place’.
I am sorry we all have met under such horrid circumstances but we have learned much from one another, healed much, because we have one another.
It is a very difficult thing to suddenly find out that your gut instincts were right all along. Lesson #1. Lesson # 2 was learning just exactly ‘what’ “IT” was we have been up against and dealing with. For me, it took five constant, non stop years of emotional and psychological and sometimes physical abuse, in the sense it created a physical shut down of my body, and in the sense that one attempt has been made upon my life and several more threats; in fact, on many occasions, I was explicitly told in detail, how it would happen.
For me, that was the stopping point. When I realized, after my heart attack, that he was purposely trying to harm me, I began searching for answers and explanations of how and why something so evil could over take my life and my world. All because I merely loved and cared about someone? I am and have been ravaged and emotionally raped and beaten.
Yes; and if you ask them why they are that way, they DO say: “BECAUSE I CAN AND YOU LET ME”. I have had it said to me several times and I never quite clearly understood that because all the love bombing and gas lighting was telling me something different. I served a purpose and a need so “IT” was mirroring back to me what “IT” thought I wanted in order to keep control. And the abuse deepened and became worse with the passage of time. The closer we became, the more it wanted to devour me.
It was only when I decided that I was going to take back control over my own life and my own emotions, that I actually started to come out of my deep mental depression and abuse. It was so severe, at times, I should have been hospitalized. I never felt suicidal, I am a ‘solver’ not a ‘quitter’, but barely living life, which ultimately lead to my having a near fatal heart attack.
I have been NC for 8 months soon with “IT”. My heart, physically and spiritually, is healing. Scarring over. I never would have believed that I could have made it this far….I was weak with love for this person. My kindnesses were devoured as weaknesses.
It is only when we decide for ourselves that we have tolerated enough abuse, that we stand up for ourselves and take ourselves back.
After ten years of someone being what I THOUGHT was my ‘best friend’, I found out something entirely different. But that is alright because you see, it lead me back to “ME”.
It’s all about what you choose to accept and/or not accept for yourself any further. It’s standing up for that person “YOU” know “YOU” are, with grace and everything about us that makes us look and search for the answers…
They do not search and look for answers because they don’t know how.
Welcome and hang with us a while.
This is the ‘healing place’.
Peace and blessings.
Dupey
I believe everthing happens for a reason.
People change so you can learn how to let go.
Things go wrong, so that you appreciate them when they’re right.
We believe lies, so we can eventually learn to trust no one but ourselves, and bad things fall apart so better things can fall together.
So true!
mags,
You’re right – you are not alone. All of us have had horrible experiences at the hands of these disordered souls. “Be kind to yourself,” (as New Beginning has said) because you deserve to have good things come your way. You’re off that terrible road, heading down a better road. Peace.
Duped No More: I didn’t know you had been NC only 8 mnths….
It’s been almost 3 for me, I do my best to stay positive. I don’t miss him at all, my mess is accepting it happened and that it took me so long to get out. I have a hard time trusting people; now more than ever. It seems my world is so much smaller; I have less friends than I thought I did but the ones I have are Golden! Wow, it’s tough! Just the other day I imagined just giving him the chance to talk, but like I read in a post here….it’s not that he will lie…it’s that I don’t believe him! That thought didn’t last long…I gag at the thought of entertaining any of his BS. I may have read this here to: This sounds like Dash@.......!$voo…the feeling that I’ve heard that BS before. Why in the heck would I put myself through that again! Thank God for the LIGHT! I really wish everyone the best!
Adelle: Yes: why would I put myself through all that again?
Leopards don’t change their spots with the passage of time.
They only acquire more spots.
Yes, 8 months and it took me five years of dealing with it all before I realized it was time to jump ship or end up dead. “IT” was turning more and more violent with the passage of time…towards the end. Horrid stuff.
Yes, stay positive Adelle. Get out, live life. Let it suck you up into it and find yourself as you were before: strong, independent and an individual all on your own.
I do miss him from time to time, but I miss the person I THOUGHT or was BAMBOOZLED into thinking he was. He was never that person to begin with – I thought such good things of him and thought he would live up to those expectations but he never did. In fact, he has tried to harm me like no other person ever has.
Yes, I am very agoraphobic now. Since my heart attack, I have retired and stay pretty much to myself and have no friends left. I have no interest in making any friends if that is the way they will be to me. I have no interest, at all, in ever allowing another male to dominate my life. Not now.
Right; it’s not the lies and deceptions that really mattered, it’s the fact that now I can never trust him ever again. THAT is the important part. Oh yes, gagging at the thought of entertaining anymore of that madness….no, never again.
Yes, the longer I am away from it, the less I care about returning, for sure!!! What a horrid experience. I would never have believed that another person could wreak such havoc on another person. UNBELIEVABLE but as we all know, very real and very ugly.
I am thankful every day to be alive and to wake up and hear the birds. Every day.
Best for the New Year, Adelle ~
Dupey
Thanks, Duped no more!! I am out; I do not speak to him and I plan to keep it that way! 2012 is going to be great; I just know it!!!!!!!!!!!! Best of the New year to you as well!
Blessings to you Adelle~!
I have found myself, somewhat, again, amidst the haze of dominance and threats and ugliness that was paraded before my life since I first met this person.
It was one lie and deception after another. Just non stop.
I have sifted through and sorted through every single memory and recollection of our relationship now and I have gathered undeniable information and knowledge that really does ‘cement’ it all for me.
It was very difficult coming to a decision on what needed to be done. But when I ended it 8 months ago, believe me, every word I said, I absolutely meant. No taunting; no love bombing; no deceptions; no misunderstandings: I MEAN WHAT I SAY.
I am not such a frivolous person that I toss words around like the word salads they use.
No, Adelle, I have not spoken a peep to “IT” either in almost 8 months and I plan on keeping it that way too.
I think “IT” has a different idea though. Just can’t leave well enough alone…has to push it to the edge and then shove it off…ALWAYS…that is him to a “T”.
2012 IS going to be a great NEW YEAR and I can feel it too!
Stay strong and always believe in your worth and value, Adelle. NO engaging them is good. Be the attention good or bad. Either way it is validating and pleasurable for them. NO ATTENTION and it will dry up and blow away sooner or later. Least that is what I am told. They like to see us miserable and hurting and longing for them…it validates their strength and power. Don’t give them any and the ‘roadshow’ is over.
((hugs)) ~ Dupey
I see that comment “I don’t have anyone to explain to” often or so it seems. I know that feeling and it is probably the hardest to deal with. As far as PTS and staying indoors you could be experiencing something similar and if I may advise you, the best thing is to get out of the house. Just take a walk in the sun. It will do a world of good for you! Best wishes.