Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Rhonda.”
Hello Lovefraud
After having my own epiphany over this past week, concerning my ex sociopathic partner, I was led to your blog and info, as well as others, that outline the description of sociopathy, psychopathy. OMG!
Oh dear, the relevation. 2.5 yrs with someone and only waking up now – that’s me.
My ex fits ALL the descriptors. The theft, the alcoholism, the constant ‘running away’ for days on end, the threats, the lies, the questions answered with more questions, the secrets, the lot!
I have been holed up in my house this past week, over Christmas and New Year unable to go out. I feel I may be suffering from post tramautic stress syndrome. When I read the stories here from others, I knew those individuals all lived what I have lived through, but still find it unbelievable, even though I know all their stories and mine are true.
Please keep up the good work here – I never EVER thought I was capable of being duped – I suppose in retrospect I saw it coming. Its the betrayal that hurts way more than the end of the relationship – I now feel there is something terribly wrong with me, for having been so blind. I don’t have anyone to explain to, how I feel, because one would have to live this, to truly understand. I think my friends would probably think I was lying or as equally unhinged as my ex, if I told them what had gone on.
I guess that is exactly where my ex wanted me to be.
I love the articles and pieces on spirituality. All things happen for a reason and in hindsight, I think I was an accident waiting to happen. I have learned sooooo much.
Amen Dupey….Love the comment…..N/C and the ROADSHOW is over…love it.. you made my morning! Have a fabulous day everyone.
Seriously: the past five years has been just like a three-ring-circus! The 24/7 constant dysfunction, drama, chaos…pffft!
If I want to live in the circus atmosphere, I will just join the circus. Know what I mean?
jordeez: HAVE AN AMAZING DAY; would ya?
Dupey
Take a walk in the sun with bodyguards.
That is the point.
Somehow that just doesn’t seem fair; does it?
I just came across this article and was so relieved to find people who had been through something like I had.
I am in my mid-20s, and was married for a year before my husband and I realized we were just wrong for each other. We decided to separate, and I moved into my own apartment. A few months passed, and out of lonliness, I decided to join a popular dating site.
The Perp was the first person who contacted me on that site. He was gorgeous, looked very well-groomed, and very intelligent. After a week of chatting online and via text, we met in person. Sparks flew. I hadn’t ever met anyone with so many commonalities as I had. We loved the same food, the same music, the same activities, had the same life goals. He was busy working full time and running a business on the side, so I didn’t think anything of his full schedule.
Here’s the weird part: he claimed to have late-stage skin cancer. He had the scars on his body to prove it. I even met his entire family, who confirmed his disease. He made it seem like it was bad enough that he had just stopped treatments. My heart broke for him–a smart, beautiful, talented man, who was dying in front of my eyes. I wanted to give him the world.
A couple whirlwind months passed by, where we met each other’s families, we hinted about futures together (ie, “we’d have such pretty babies”), we’d gone on amazing dates and adventures. We’d hold hands in the car and sing duets from old musicals. I was completely snowed. I was ready to literally do anything for this man to make the rest of his short life amazing.
After some time, I was contacted by another woman. Turns out I wasn’t the only woman on his plate. In fact, he was a sociopathic player. He would find women online that fit his profile (typically, young, of a certain height, weight, hair color, eye color, and ALL divorced). The fact that the women were divorced or widowed made them vulnerable. He would ride in on his proverbial steed and sweep them off their feet.
I confronted the Perp about this and he vehemently denied it. Showed me “proof” that the other girl was lying. I listened to him, and continued to date him casually for another 6 months. Just this weekend, I decided to snoop around his house/phone/computer while he was asleep. It was all true. He has profiles on SEVERAL dating sites. He finds women anywhere he can find them. They buy him gifts, they pay for his dinner, they pity him for his cancer and want to make it better. The nights he spent working late were spent with other women. The phone calls and texts and emails “to work partners” were him calling other girls, texting other women, right in front of my face. All of his “friends” that he hung out with were girls he was stringing along, just like me.
I am convinced I was kept around because I paid for everything–took him to concerts, trips, events, museums, dinners–all because I wanted to help him live his life to the fullest. He talked about getting married all the time–I am sure that was to take advantage of my health insurance benefits.
Today is literally day one of NC for me. It’s going to be a long, hard road. I am grateful because so many out there seem to have been duped much harder than I was. But the pain still hurts–I thought I’d found my prince charming and all he did was lie, cheat, and steal to my face.
Perhaps through this community I can find some closure and answers. 🙂
Good luck to everyone out there!
Dear ConnedInCharlotte:
Welcome to our collection of good souls.
I am sorry this happened to you.
Please, read, read and more read, here, with us and you will find a REAL commonality = the survivor commonality.
Are you sure you are not talking about MY ex spath?
Very similar. Only mine liked his women older and with health issues…someone that was truly an easy target that he could love bomb and gas light and play with like a cat playing with a mouse.
Congratulations on your first day of NC!
It is not an easy task nor choice but after my just about completing 8 months, I am here to tell you that with every day that goes by, you see and learn a little more….you are on a journey to yourself, My Friend.
I have been where you are right this moment.
We are here for you. You are not alone. We understand you, completely.
KNOW and BELIEVE in your own WORTH and VALUE and let that be your guide through this journey….
Dupey
Haven’t been here for awhile-got sucked back in by the N over the holidays and I feel like an idiot. There comes a time when you realize that everything that everyone has been telling you is true, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was narc’d again. I will never have any doubt in my mind and I think I finally learned my lesson the hard way.
She started making all kinds of moves like she was interested in me as soon as I started my new job. I held out until mid November and then caved in. She made me think that she was so interested in me as a lover, like she finally had the feelings that I had for so long and she really stepped it up in December. She had me thinking she was going to “come out”. As soon as I started to take it seriously and move toward her, she was faced with what she was heading for and bolted. Some people “come out” at an older age like Meredith Baxter and Kristy McNichol but some people just decide that those feelings are too much for them and take it to the grave.
She finally made it clear that being with women doesn’t fit in with her narcissism-too much like the N who brought me here in the first place. She apparently feels like it will affect her reputation. Yesterday she called me in her house and totally gaslighted me and made me feel small and humiliated me, just like my N father did my whole life. She made me feel two inches tall and started telling me how weak and defective I am and she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be made of stone like she is. I was so embarrassed and I had a huge anxiety attack and had to leave her apartment. I told her that I was sorry but I just couldn’t be around her at this point.
She started telling me that how could I ever be a police officer if I wasn’t like her. I told her that police officers who are cold hearted and made of stone and bottle up their feelings/emotions turn into dangerous officers on the street-they become aggressive and handle conflict with physical force instead of using words/communication and have a high incidence of police brutality.
I ended up confiding in another neighbor about it last night when we went out, because she knew there was some kind of issue going on. I was afraid to talk to her about it initially because I was sure that she would think I was the crazy one. Apparently not. She told me that she understands what is going on and how I was hurt because this same woman hurt her as well. They used to be close friends before I moved in. Apparently she used to have the same job as my N and the N was all wanting to be her friend because she thought that she was important. This other gal that I was talking to told me that her husband got her to leave that job and stay home with the dogs and work from home. Once this happened, my N dropped her like a rock. She told me that she was always there for the N, helping her out and such, and when she got to the point a few years ago where she was in a bad way and needed help, the N completely blew her off and bolted. At that point she knew that their friendship couldn’t be the same and she pulled back from her.
She told me how the N really hurt her feelings by doing what she did. She told me flat out that N is very Narcissistic and selfish and doesn’t really care about others. She made comments about how she only wants to be associated with people who seem powerful and asked me if I noticed how she name drops all the time-so we will all know about the “important” people that surround her. She also told me that she felt that N was trying to talk me out of the police academy because she didn’t feel like it was an important job and that it paid less money.
Anyway, I am hurt but I feel so validated after the conversation yesterday. I am so glad that other people are aware of what she is. This other gal really encouraged me to step back from her and treat her like just the lady who lives next door and nothing more than that. I told her how the N told me that I was her friend, and she said, but Lizzy, she doesn’t know how to be a friend-that’s why she doesn’t have any friends, only superficial acquaintances and she is going to die a very lonely lady because of it.
She also told me that she couldn’t believe how she would think that me becoming a police officer would make me less than what I am. She told me that she really admired what I’m trying to do and encouraged me to make it happen. BTW, I am off the cigarettes and have managed to lose 24 lbs with diet and exercise. I am going to the gym everyday and sleeping a lot better and doing everything that I need to do to make me feel good. I feel so motivated and so good about myself since I am finally losing weight and getting in shape. I feel like 2012 is going to be a great year for me after 2011 was the worst of my life.
I hope everyone on here had a great holiday and I hope everyone has a great new year-free of spaths and narcs!!!
Dear Charlotte,
Welcome to LoveFraud, a great club that no one wants to join, but when you NEED TO JOIN it is here and totally supportive.
Yep the “lovebomb” is what we call that “sweeping you off your feet” and we all fell for it….the “instant attraction” “soul mate” carp, that is all a LIE though, so congratulations on your NO CONTACT.
NO CONTACT and EDUCATING yourself, seeing what made you vulnerable, learning the RED FLAGS of the psychopath and manipulators (the love bomb is only one of many!) will set you free and allow you to heal and become stronger, smarter and more safe! Good luck and God bless. And again, welcome to LoveFraud.
Liz,
nice to hear from you. How is your kitty?
I believe that your neighbor pegged the N-woman correctly. From what you have told us, she seemed like all she cared about was appearances.
She will continue to tempt you by dangling carrots. It’s what they do. That’s why you have to go NC. Do not respond with any emotion to her.
Thanks Sky and my kitty is awesome. He is so much fun and mama’s little man. He is changing in appearance too, his fur is getting bulky and he looks a little like a lion.
Sky-you are so right about so many of the things that you told me a long time ago about this woman. Do you remember how you said that she was baiting me? She tried that same issue the other day during her “lecture” of me. She always tells me that my emotions are out of control because I’m not like her. She told me, ” I don’t think you’re crazy”. I think in Narc speak she means exactly that-that she is telling me that I’m crazy because they have forked tongues and speak out both sides of their mouths.
Another thing she kept harping on was that since “my emotions are so out of control that she really thinks I need to get my firearm out of the house because it really worries her”. First of all, if she thinks that I would hurt myself over ANYTHING that she says, she is the most f’d up delusional person on the planet. I told her that she needed to put that out of her mind because it’s false. My firearm is for my PROTECTION and I am also currently actively practicing and receiving instruction on better techniques for shooting at 25 yards when I put my application back in for the academy, since I want to make sure that I don’t go in there with any bad habits. She told me that she enjoys living next to me-of course she does, because she has somewhat to fuck with for entertainment (sorry for the cursing but I’m pissed). I am absolutely going to show her no emotion and have a good time showing positive emotions and having fun with my other neighbors. I am going to give her no information. I really hope that this time I learned my lesson. I ignored my instincts and this prime example of why we need to pay attention to what our gut says.
Liz, sounds like Remy is a Maine Coon? They get that “miniature lion” look as they get older.
My Maine Coone looked so funny when he was growing up, it’s because he was growing so fast. Then one day, his tail suddenly turned into a big feather! And he grew a lion mane. He looks amazing now. But my spath parents have him. They’re in love with him because he’s so beautiful. They’ve managed to kill off 3 of the others and there is one left which they ignore.
The other cats were either very old or I had saved them from death a few times already, so I’ve accepted their passing.
Finding out that you’ve been living with spaths your whole life changes your perspective on things.