Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Rhonda.”
Hello Lovefraud
After having my own epiphany over this past week, concerning my ex sociopathic partner, I was led to your blog and info, as well as others, that outline the description of sociopathy, psychopathy. OMG!
Oh dear, the relevation. 2.5 yrs with someone and only waking up now – that’s me.
My ex fits ALL the descriptors. The theft, the alcoholism, the constant ‘running away’ for days on end, the threats, the lies, the questions answered with more questions, the secrets, the lot!
I have been holed up in my house this past week, over Christmas and New Year unable to go out. I feel I may be suffering from post tramautic stress syndrome. When I read the stories here from others, I knew those individuals all lived what I have lived through, but still find it unbelievable, even though I know all their stories and mine are true.
Please keep up the good work here – I never EVER thought I was capable of being duped – I suppose in retrospect I saw it coming. Its the betrayal that hurts way more than the end of the relationship – I now feel there is something terribly wrong with me, for having been so blind. I don’t have anyone to explain to, how I feel, because one would have to live this, to truly understand. I think my friends would probably think I was lying or as equally unhinged as my ex, if I told them what had gone on.
I guess that is exactly where my ex wanted me to be.
I love the articles and pieces on spirituality. All things happen for a reason and in hindsight, I think I was an accident waiting to happen. I have learned sooooo much.
Sky-I’m not familiar with Maine Coon, but we thought he was orange tabby when I got him-looked like Morris with stripes and his hair was really sleek and close to his body and it seemed shorter. Now he seems to not look as orange as he did before and his stripes aren’t as obvious. It seems like his hair is getting a little bit lighter in color but he is really bushy. I thought it was him living in humidity now in NOLA, since he came from Missouri. I really wish you could see pictures of how he looked when I first got him compared to know. The hair around his neck is getting long and it kinda looks like a mane.
As far as living with narcs for me, I wonder if I will ever not live around them-they are drawn to me and I attract them and it’s starting to get discouraging because I feel like I don’t know what normal is anymore.
Wow! Love all of your comments. This is a group that you don’t want to join but here we are!
I had an epiphany this past week-end. I entered into the relationship with my psychopath with my heart, thinking that he was doing the same. He entered into the relationship to manipulate and pilfer. The playing field was NEVER level. He had this advantage all along because he was playing by his own rules. Ones I wasn’t aware of.
Somehow knowing this takes the sting out of “How could I be so stupid??””
I got out of the relationship on valentines day. It was my valentine gift to ME. Love me enough to run like heck!! and get a real life.
For me, no one understood what I was saying about him. Like I was lying. The things that happened to me–you–us— we can’t even make this stuff up.
we just lick our wounds, grow, learn and hopefully come out better on the other side of all of this.
Molly: It DOES get better and easier.
Your epiphany is a healthy one. I think we all have felt that a time or two….
I understand you: “no one understood what I was saying about him. Like I was lying.”
That was one parting shot “I” was told:
“You do whatever you think necessary; nobody will ever believe you because you are crazy.”
But, we know who the crazy one really is; don’t we?
Yes, they play by their own rules. After your eyes are opened, it becomes easier and easier to dislike them and leave them behind. Like pouring iodine on an open wound, it only stings for a couple moments and then it’s over and on the other side of this, you win because you find yourself and you are stronger than ever before.
Yes, we lick our wounds and grow and learn…
The other side of this “IS” going to come out better…
We have to remember to count our blessings.
Remember to value ourselves.
Dupey
Liz,
being raised by freaky N’s and P’s doesn’t leave much room for normal. Just be happy that you are compassionate. That’s how I see it. I attract the spaths too. They say that nature abhors a vacuum. Spaths have a vacuum of empathy so they look for people with large supplies of it. Just look at the professions you have chosen. First, a nurse: the ultimate caregiver. My spath told me a story, that I’m only beginning to understand now. He told me that he had been chasing his ex-girlfriend to stop her from driving crazy. She was in her car and he was on his motorcycle. (sounds to me like he scared the crap out of her) Anyway, God saw it fit to make the spath crash and he ended up in the hospital. Then he told me that the “Nurses were sooooo awesome” . Well of course they were, they cared about him. That’s what spaths want, someone who cares and sacrifices for him.
Then you aspire to be a cop: the rescuer. Spath loves cops. Just don’t become a volunteer fireman!
Maybe you need to read, “the art of selfishness”
BTW, Maine coons are the best kitties ever, but they can grow to be 25 lbs or more! watch out!
Dupey,
Thank you for your comments. It is so nice to finally find support at this site and actually have people understand my feelings and validate them.
My spath was actually critically ill in the hospital on a ventilator and had a 30% chance of living . I was at his side night and day. When he got better he told me that I saved his life. (Not sure that i really did) but, the sentiment was nice and later when I found out he was stealing from me I had a real hard time reconciling the idea of —- how can you steal from someone who you think saved your life??
It took me a while to figure out that he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. They are clever…. man the lessons we learn on this convoluted journey!!
It is such a long journey working through the emotions of the financial and emotional betrayal.
Now I just tell my friends that it is what I call my “Matrix” relationship. Everything that I thought was real, wasn’t……………
………….and, if I could have ONE “take back” in life, it would be to go back to the day before I met him and NOT meet him. although, in hindsight, it is probably best that we do not get “take backs” because then, I would not get the lesson and the benefit of being wiser from everything that I have and will learn from this…….
Mol
Coming out of a relationship of 2 years, and reading the blogs, doing research, and trying to find the answr of why he had no empathy for our breakup after all I have done for him, led me to believe his is also a sociopath.
Took him into my life as the “new woman” while getting a divorce, and not having a place to stay. Took the dogs..and all, while he had no job…
I received flowers, cars, and notes all the time of his appreciation for all I do and how I support him, and time went on, he would go on hunting and fishing trips with the boys, and still be out of work without caring that I was supporting the house. He did small things around the house, and when I moved to a larger house, he came with the agreement he would maintain house and work part time. Well, no work part time, but he did do things around the house. I paid for all the food, dog supplies, training, towels, sheets, vacations, gas…
He would stay home and watch porn, and when I explained I had trouble with that, he would blame it on his experiences with is past wife, and how I intimdate him and he would stop. The computer porn turned to TV porn, which I later found out turned to videos hidden. At the end of the relationship, he would not have sex with me, but blamed me, and then when I would try to justify it, he would make me feel sorry for him with the puppy dog, I’m sorry.
After a while, he stopped doing most things around the house, when the fighting came, after I started with the questions as to what do you do with your time, he got defensive, and he drank. When he drank he was nastly, but not physcially abuseive, however, I was always to blame.
He then started accussing me of keeping secrets, lying, and evenutally cheating on him…Two days after this accusation, I caught him talking phone sex with a girl he used to work with.
I threw him out, and when he came for his stuff, there was no remorse, no empathy, no I’m sorry.
It is idenitical to what he did to his ex wife, and I had told him at the time I didn’t want to be the “other woman” and he should leave her if he wanted to date me….well, he did, when I let him move in…and now it’s da ja vu.
I am literatally sick to my stomach with hurt. I feel taken advantage of, I keep asking myself did he ever care at all? How could I not be so guarded? How can he come to my house and pick up his stuff and not say or show sadness at the situation? How do you emotionally get over that and how do you get the thoughts out of your head that you were duped, and he was laughing about you with another woman on the phone (literally)……..
Dear 4ever, Welcome to lovefraud. Sorry that you have to be here, but if you do, it is a great place to recover and learn so that you will not have this kind of relationshit in the future.
Read, read, blog, and learn the signs of a psychopath!
Again, welcome and God bless.
Sky, I am so gaslighted right now that I can’t tell which end is up or down. I’m really confused. I know that I am at fault for a lot of things, but I don’t need all of her issues projected onto me. I actually feel like I need to get on here and read every article all over again-like I need to start over in this journey again. I just don’t understand why N’s make us addicted to them and make us obsess over them, because I know that’s what’s happening to me. I feel totally addicted and obsessed. Before I couldn’t stop thinking about her due to feelings of “love” but even now that I’m angry and hurt, I still feel like I’m obsessing and can’t stop thinking about her. I messed up so bad, falling for the major pity ploy again.
EB: take a deep breath and realize where you are.
Realize WHO you are. I know exactly what you are talking about because I have done it so very many times…bought the ‘feel sorry for me’ ploy the ‘I will never let it happen again’ ploys…all the lies and deceits. I fell back and forth a couple of times, actually.
Only thing is, the LAST TIME I slammed that door, I slammed it for the rest of eternity and there is NO WAY I will allow the waft of the evilness I have faced anywhere close to MY LIFE again.
Hang in there EB and remember the lesson.
It’s all we can do.
(((hugs)))
Dupey
Molly –
“Somehow knowing this takes the sting out of “How could I be so stupid??””
You were NOT stupid Molly – none of us were. We were scammed – pure, plain and simple.
“I got out of the relationship on valentines day. It was my valentine gift to ME. Love me enough to run like heck!! and get a real life.”
Hey – me too! Not by planning, totally by co-incidence.
It just happened to be the straw that broke my camel’s back when, after 4 months of extremely abusive text messages and stalking, then going quiet on me for several weeks, he suddenly sent me 2 messages on 14 Feb 2007. Both were very sarcastic in tone and cruel in intent. Along the lines of “Happy Valentine’s Day – NOT!!!!” plus a whole bunch of mean and untrue accusations.
It was the one time in 4 months that I actually responded.
I sent him just one message: “Enough B—. Do not contact me ever again. It’s over.”
Then I went to the police station and had him charged over the harassment and upgraded the restraining order I had taken out against him several months earlier, so that he was forbidden to contact me at all.
I never spoke to him (in any form) again.
Best decision I ever made!