By | February 5, 2011 373 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I want the woman back that I fell in love with, but I know it is impossible

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a man who posts as “Drained.’

I guess I have been in a bit of a hole for a while now and have generally been going through a rough time, which in hindsight may have made me ripe for the picking by my sociopathic ex girlfriend.

I had been unhappy in a previous long term relationship (prior to meeting my SP) for a considerable time, my ex partner is an amazing person, however we grew apart and were more suited as friends than lovers. I had been in this relationship for 12 years. My father passed away last year after losing his battle with cancer, which was incredibly hard to watch. I have been battling depression for some time and have a high stress job. I am a VERY empathetic person and prone to stress, suffering insomnia, loss of appetite and digestion problems when stressed. After my Dad died, my long term relationship was very strained and I had a mini melt down feeling unsupported by my partner, who was also badly affected by my Dad’s passing. I had great difficulty coping with life at this time and my partner and I separated for a period.

I decided to take off overseas for a holiday to get away from everything. I never thought I would cheat on my partner but I did while I was on holiday, and I now feel terrible about the hurt it caused. I guess it was my gutless way of ending the unhappy relationship as I let myself get caught. This resulted in me being the bad guy, which I accepted and having to move out leaving most of the possessions we had accumulated together with my ex partner and getting a small place on my own.

Big mistake, the loneliness was almost too much to bear. I have friends who were great to me during this time but they all had their own lives and were busy with partners and children. At the end of the day I would always go back to my small flat and watch TV feeling sooooo alone. This went on for a couple of months ”¦

and then a sociopath entered my life.

Girl from Germany

I met a truly unique person who was visiting my country (New Zealand) from Germany on a work exchange. From the very first moment I met her, I knew there was something different about her. She was young, beautiful, intelligent and seemed to ooze energy and sex appeal. Of course, she seemed extra sexy being from Germany in my part of the world. I didn’t really rate my chances from the outset, having relatively low self esteem, but was excited when I learnt we would be working together. Can’t hurt to have a hot chick around for a bit right ”¦ wrong!

At first I don’t think I really liked her apart from her appearance. She had a hot young body and I was drawn to her eyes, big eyes and the most amazing blue/grey colour. She was incredibly photogenic and could instantly pull off an expression that would give a model a run for her money. She had what I thought at the time was an amazing smile and seductive eyes. I thought, however, she was over opinionated and a bit of a ‘spoilt brat.’ She could talk almost nonstop about herself.

People in my work were bending over backwards to accommodate her and ensure she had an amazing time, seeing more of the organisation and having more opportunities in a few weeks than I had in over 8 years. But I reasoned she was a guest from another country, and a young attractive female in a male dominated profession, so I could understand it.

The beginning

After she had been around my work group about a week, I asked if she would like to accompany several of us who were going to see a movie the following day. She jumped at the chance. I felt at this stage I was just trying to be nice and include her. The following day she made out she forgot her cash card, so a friend of mine paid for her movie ticket under the agreement that she would pay him back later (she never did) from there we went out for dinner, still not having any money another friend offered to pay for her meal, after some tooing and froing, she reluctantly accepted (and never paid him back either). I thought it was really rude of her to turn up with no money and was sure I wasn’t going to pay for her (I would pay later though!).

A few nights later a small group of us went out for drinks and she came along. That was the night I started to fall for her. She was flirting and it ended up with three of us still at the bar, the third person being a male workmate of mine. I think now she was playing us off against each other. He was keen on her and had been spending a lot of time with her. She was flirting with me and he wanted her to leave with him as they had been travelling to and from work together as ‘friends.’ I tried to encourage her to stay out with me, but she decided to leave with my colleague (to go to the place she was staying) but not before giving me her cell phone number, without me even having to ask. A friend of mine whose wife was present earlier in the night later told her husband how obvious it was that my SP liked me and asked him if there was anything going on between us.

So we started sending each other SMS messages. She left to go to another city for the weekend and experience more of my organisation and the SMS messages went back and forth. I asked her if she would like to do something when she got back into town. She stated she would and asked me out as she was driving 700 kms back to my city. I told her we could do something the following day as she would be very tired but she was keen to go out that night, being due back at about midnight! I thought that was very keen, now I see it as impulsive. So as she sped back to my city she would message me and I got ready to meet her.

Pity play

Next thing we were in a bar and I was buying drinks. She straight away opened up to me about problems she was having within my organisation, wanting pity from me. There had been an incident where she had started kissing a guy in another work group when the group had gone out together for drinks and one of the females had complained that she thought the behaviour was inappropriate. A manager had spoken to her regarding it and she didn’t like what he had to say. She was very open with me, I thought, and instead of seeing it as a red flag I thought she was just very honest and sensitive, she justified her behaviour by saying she was lonely and that there was nothing wrong with what two single people did outside of work, and I thought, well that is true.

So I tried to console her and make her feel better about herself ”¦  next thing we were going back to my place. It was all very whirlwind. Now I am a red blooded male, and she was, I thought, an incredibly attractive female, but I wasn’t going to assume anything so offered her my bed and said I would take the couch. She wouldn’t hear of it and we ended up in bed together. Things got hot and heavy and then she told me that she couldn’t go any further as she didn’t know me that well. I thought at the time it was kind of presumptuous, as I never said I wanted to sleep with her on the first date, but fell into the role of the macho male and said I understood.

Two weeks

She had two weeks left in my country at that stage, and what a two weeks it was. She spent the majority of it at my place being very well looked after, if I do say so myself (meals brought or cooked for her, gifts, being waited on in bed, using my car, everything being paid for as she explained she did not have much money). The sex was great, I couldn’t believe that after all my bad times of the past few years this amazing young woman had crashed into my life. I am slightly religious and believe in fate and really thought things had picked up for me at last.

Within a week I had fallen in love and told her I was falling for her. I introduced her to my mother, being my only close family in my city. I wanted to keep our relationship private to keep her reputation at work intact, but she was keen for people to know, making it obvious by dropping my house keys in front of my workmates after I had discretely handed them to her when she wanted to go home early. Well, I didn’t mind, I was proud I was with her but now I see it differently.

I was already dreading her leaving and would get down when I thought about it, she would tell me to cheer up and live in the moment, make the most of our time together. I tried but I told her how much she had come to mean to me already and how much I was going to miss her. She would look in shops when we were out together and I would buy her things she liked. I spent a lot on her; she would throw up token protest but took it all. She would insist on buying the odd small item for herself saying she didn’t want me to spend all my money on her.

I recall one of the odd comments she made when we drove past an older gentleman in a nice new BMW, “Nice car! I should go and be with him but not sleep with him and get all his money for us, eh?” I looked at her with a strange expression, thinking where did that come from, and she laughed.

Figured out

She had me figured out within days, if not sooner. She knew exactly what I wanted and would ask me all sorts of probing questions at odd times. She wanted to know if I believed in God, I told her I did but didn’t go to church, but considered myself Christian. She mirrored this.

She wanted to know all about my previous relationships, she insisted I go through each of them and outline what went wrong. She quickly established most of my earlier relationships had not gone well and stated she struggled with my 12 year relationship. I told her I had been unhappy for some time, and she said she couldn’t understand why I would stay with someone if I was unhappy. I tried to explain that we were still close and had both invested a lot in the relationship, so I had tried to make it work. She wanted to be assured that I was with her because of who she was not simply because I didn’t want to be alone and all those sorts of things.

I think now she was brainwashing me in a way, because in the back of my mind I knew it was too soon to get into a serious relationship for me but I had a shot with this unique amazing girl and I honestly thought I would be a fool not to pursue it. Pursue it I did ”¦ to my detriment!

Sex life

She is 12 years younger than I am but she was obviously smart and would often point out her father was about the same amount older than her mother and to look how happy they were together. This was, of course, appealing to the fact I was looking for a long and serious relationship, which she had established.

She once asked about my sex life, wanting to know if I had done it in a car, however, I made it clear that I didn’t like talking about that and didn’t want her to tell me about her past, that had been a source of hurt for me in the past with my ex who was more experienced than I was. I am not a prude but feel it is hurtful to throw what you have done with others in the face of the person you are with, and serves no purpose, so I would rather not discuss it. She tailored herself to mirror me stating she had only had four boyfriends (which I later found to be a lie).

She was openly attracted to one of my supervisors at work and made no effort to conceal this. I am not the jealous type, he was married anyway and I knew she was young so I never reacted, but she progressively shoved it in my face more and more as time passed. She would blatantly flirt with him to the point he was uncomfortable. I figured she had a crush on him but knew it couldn’t go anywhere and figured maybe she was trying to figure if I was the jealous type. I let it slide.

She’s going home

The time went by and it was nearly time for her to go home, but she told me she would be back at the end of the year for a holiday. I asked if she was my girlfriend, she sad yes. I felt happy and didn’t know how but hoped we could have a real relationship. One day she commented that she would really like to move to New Zealand, get a job in my organisation, for us to get married and raise little ones. I couldn’t hide the delight in my face and kissed her, I knew it was a pipe dream but it was just what I wanted to hear.

The time came for her to leave and I was devastated, it would be three months until her planned return. I had her e-mail and all her phone numbers and vowed to write and call. She explained how busy she was going to be as she had exams to study for, so she might not be able to e-mail me back as much. I told her that was fine and in reality at that stage I was going to accept whatever I could get of a relationship with her, no matter how out of balance it was and would turn out to be. I was in love, more intensely than I had ever been in my life.

I overlooked the odd outburst she had during those two weeks as cultural differences or the fact she was under a lot of stress. But she did have a temper on her that is for sure!

I was getting teary eyed at the thought of her leaving fairly regularly the closer it came to time for her to leave. She never did the same. I told her at the airport as I hugged her goodbye that I loved her, and I meant it. I had fallen head over heels in love in two weeks! To someone who has never met a sociopath I know that sounds stupid but I was in love.

She knew she had me wrapped around her little finger from that point forward (well actually a lot sooner than that).

Long distance

So the long distance relationship started. She would SMS and call regularly, and I craved hearing from her so much. My whole world was put on hold; I lived to hear from her. We would SMS back and forth and she would call early on but quickly told me how expensive it was for her to call, it was apparently about a quarter of the price for me to call her cell phone than the other way around, so that became the norm.

I would write long e-mails getting the occasional brief reply. After a while I sent a bunch of flowers and a teddy bear to her home, she said she loved them but quickly let me know her favourite type of flowers by posting me an internet link. She sent a photo of her with the flowers. I tried again a few weeks later making sure to order the right ones this time ”¦ no photos this time.

Her SMS messages stopped abruptly but she explained her phone bill had been massive and she had to cut back. I continued to SMS her.  She stopped sending e-mails at all, I continued to e-mail, happily at first then feeling that it was not fair. She would explain that she just didn’t have time with all her study and would rather use it talking, which we did regularly but she asked me several times to continue e-mailing as she loved to get them. I told her I would love to hear from her occasionally too, but she didn’t budge and the e-mails and SMS went fully one way.

It took her a while to agree to my friend request on Facebook and she only did so on the proviso that I not post any personal things on there, i.e., nothing indicating we were a couple, saying she didn’t like to live publicly. I thought that was fair enough at the time but I now I realise she didn’t want to appear in a relationship with me so she could carry on a different life with others.

Missing her

She sent me a card telling me she was so happy she had found me, and how she thought of me and missed me every day, this took pride of place on my dresser, but I now realise it was a complete lie. She lead such a busy life, with sports, study, partying (she still had time to do that) and I felt so boring by comparison, all I did was miss her CONSTANTLY.

One day on the phone she called me lazy, which really hurt. She tried to take it back by saying she was joking, but she wasn’t. I tried to explain that I had done my study and passed my exams and now did shiftwork in a stressful job and had been suffering poor health recently so didn’t have the energy she did, but received zero sympathy/empathy and NO apology.

Then she asked me for a big favour. She had to write a lengthy essay as part of her studies for her job, she gave me a sob story about how much stress she was under and how much she had on her plate with sports commitments and other study for exams and how being in New Zealand had set her back behind her classmates. I could see where it was going and I really hoped she didn’t ask me, but she did. “You know you studied (the same subject at university) could you find an old essay I could use or could you write it for me?” I told her I didn’t feel comfortable and she could get into trouble and it would be better for her to do it, but she begged and joked about what she would do to repay me in bed. I ended up reluctantly agreeing, knowing I was being used and doing it anyway.

It took me hours and hours of my spare time and it really stressed me out having it hanging over me, but I got it done. I sent a draft off to her and told her it needed proof reading but that I had done all I could, she critiqued the formatting and then slipped in a ‘but it’s good’ and that was as close to a thank you as I ever got.

Our phone calls turned into me listening to her problems and trying to offer support and then being berated for not having enough to say about my life. Talk or else I’m hanging up didn’t work for me.


I spent hundreds of dollars on phone calls and SMS messages. I sent her a beautful Christmas present. She asked me if I had sent anything and I told her I might have. She explained that she didn’t have time with the exams and the partying that followed. She said she really wanted to put some thought into my gift and so didn’t send anything. She later told me she had sent a card but turned out it was way too late and didn’t reach me until 2 weeks after Christmas; it contained a very inexpensive leather bracelet and necklace with her initial on, but it was the thought that counts, right?

One day she called and matter of factly told me she wouldn’t be able to come over in December as she wasn’t going to get enough holidays so it wouldn’t be worthwhile. She told me to think logically. I was shattered. I had been suffering every day, missing her so badly, to now find out she wasn’t coming and she didn’t even seem upset. I had been counting the days down. This sent me into a tailspin; I had to be with her at all costs.

Ticket to Germany

I booked a one way ticket to Germany after telling her this was what I was going to do. I wasn’t met with enthusiasm. I enquired about talking two years leave without pay from my job and submitted an application within the next few days. I figured I could support us using my superannuation money. I talked it over with her and she was resistant from the outset, she told me it was too drastic and that we had only known each other for two weeks, she told me this over and over. It really hurt because I was so in love and she was playing down our relationship.

I spent considerable time and effort trying to convince her I was happy to do it because I wanted to be with her. As it pans out I couldn’t get two years approved from work, one year was the maximum. She would constantly tell me that was too long and meant giving up too much. This made me more determined, I would have done anything to be with who I thought was the love of my life. She said she wanted to date like normal people but obviously this wasn’t an option with 22,000 miles separating us.

In the end I had to settle for five months off work due to great difficulty with trying to get a visa for Germany. This meant my plans of two years with this ‘wonderful’ woman in Germany were cut back to three months; nothing was going my way. She kept throwing up reasons why it wouldn’t work and two weeks before I was due to leave suggested I cancel my leave without pay and just come over for a holiday after I had made numerous enquiries with work and had all the paperwork submitted for five months off.

One week before I left she told me over the phone that she had made up her mind that she would not leave Germany in the next five years and wanted to be with her family and friends and focus on her career. I didn’t know what to think, I thought I was going over to continue a relationship, I didn’t have any guarantees from her but thought we could see how it played out, given she loved New Zealand so much and had previously stated several times she was keen to settle there. I didn’t know what to think and was shattered.

I talked to my friends who assured me all would be well and to just get over there, have a hug sit down over a coffee and things would settle down and we would pick up where we left off.

Cool reception

I had a hell of a stressful time moving out of my flat and sorting everything before I left. I received zero empathy from her over the phone and zero enthusiasm about me coming over for the few days before I left.

When I arrived in Germany I was emotionally drained but had no idea what was come next.

She hugged me at the airport and held me in a way I could not hug her back, trapping my arms. I tried to kiss her, which she shrugged off.

I was so happy to see her, but something was different. I put it down to not having seen each other for several months. She had to drive considerable distance to pick me up from the airport. I offered to pay for her petrol as she pulled into a garage, which she took.

We arrived her place and I got into bed with her, she said goodnight rolled over and went to sleep (literally). I now know sociopaths can fall asleep and wake almost instantly, which is her to a T. She never liked to hug or cuddle, she liked her space in bed. She was tucked up in a separate blanket and I tried to sleep. During the night I tried to cuddle her and touched her backside, she woke instantly and told me that she needed time rattling off a prepared speech. I told her I understood and apologised.

Within a couple of days she explained that because she couldn’t see things going anywhere anymore we shouldn’t kiss or have any intimate, contact as it would stir up intense feelings and make it all the harder when the time came to go our separate ways. She said it would be like a one night stand if we slept together because she knew it was going to come to an end. I was blown away. I told her that she should have told me that before I came. For all intents and purposes we were basically just friends now who shared a bed. It was too much for me and I told her I couldn’t stay under that arrangement. She said so it’s all or nothing then? She called my bluff but I couldn’t bring myself to leave, and where the hell was I going to go?

Her rules

So I stayed on, playing completely by her rules. Of course it sounds like I am just a pushy male wanting sex, but it wasn’t like that, I can tell you. I loved this girl, or at least who I thought she was, and it was torture to go from what I thought we had to not even be allowed to kiss her! She wouldn’t cuddle or show me any affection. I didn’t understand what the hell was going on. As time passed she would occasionally kiss me, get me aroused and then leave me to suffer. She would let me pleasure her but only in ways that did not allow me any pleasure and then would not return the favour. I did this several times, while she was studying in bed. Once she was finished she would push me aside saying she had to study now.

I was incredibly frustrated and I’m sure she got off on that fact.

Here I was in a strange country, not having done much travel. She took me out one time to a spa, which was fun. The other outings were to the gym once and shopping once. One time her parents asked us out for lunch. In nearly two weeks that was it. The rest of the time I was in her room waiting for her to come home. She didn’t have a spare key for me so I could only really go out when she leant me her key, which she only did twice. She never offered me any drawers or cupboard space, despite having some spare. Instead I lived out of my pack on the floor.

Her move

I should mention that the unfortunate timing of my arrival coincided with her moving out and she was very keen on me helping her move and paint the inside of the flat she had been renting. The moving started within days of my arrival, my job was packing and carrying items to the car and into the basement of her new place. The main move and painting is to occur this coming weekend. After this she has a two week holiday and was keen for us to go to Egypt for a holiday, she recently (before I left for Germany) advised she no longer has the money for this holiday due to buying her new apartment. Of course, muggins me offered to pay, telling her how much she needed a break from her stressful life she is always complaining about. After this two weeks off she is due to start work proper, which I was recently told consists of a five week residential course in another city.

So her revised plan is for me to arrive, us have no sexual contact or only one way sexual contact, help her shift, paint her flat, take her on holiday then disappear and her to start work ”¦ My sister lives in Italy and I had planned to see her after 3 months in Germany but SP suggested I do this after the holiday.

I paid

As you can imagine I was a bit confused about everything. She took money from me to pay for the groceries, which is fair enough, however she paid for almost nothing in New Zealand. She paid for my lunch when we went out with her parents but only grudgingly and I was to pay her back. I went to the ATM however it only gave me a 50 euro note, lunch was 12.50. I told her I would pay her when I had some change, she later had a dig at me about this ”¦ I had literally spent hundreds of dollars on her on gifts and meals. I couldn’t believe it.

Everything is someone else’s fault. She took me to a shopping mall one night under the pretence of doing it for me but she wanted to go to a couple of shops, which is the real reason. She drives like a maniac, I was constantly telling her to slow down but she is proud of it. So she goes racing down a street and a speed camera goes off! Whose fault is it? Mine, she had study to do, but felt obliged to take me out and was speeding so we would have as much time as possible together at the mall. I tried to talk with her and tell her I was worried about her and she needed to slow down in life! She got angry, looked right through me and told me she didn’t need to be lectured. I tried to hug her and she pushed me away.

Another day I wrote her a lengthy heartfelt letter outlining how I felt about her, how much I loved her and even (regrettably now) how I thought she would be an excellent mother (not anymore) and how proud I would be for her to be the mother of my children. She read it and didn’t say a word to me about it. Later on she said, “I read it,” and that was it. Zero emotion.

Waiting on her

Then there was all the waiting on her I was expected to do. She would give me chore after chore, fill her hot water bottle, make her a cup of tea, get this, do that, massage her. I told her she was a spoilt brat and should have been smacked when she was a child. She didn’t like this.

One night I stood up to her. I had asked if she wanted a cup of tea before I turned in. She said no. She was studying in bed and I was dozing off to sleep, she asked me to make her a cup of tea. I refused ”¦ did that get interesting. She initially started pleading, you said you would make me one before ”¦ I told her I was tired and trying to sleep and to make it herself. She lost the plot, she started to hit me around the ribs, not overly hard but enough to be annoying, I told her to leave me alone and make it herself, she wouldn’t give up; she kept at me, it started to get scary. She couldn’t handle hearing no. When I flat out refused she told me to get out of her bed and sleep on the floor ”¦ she was serious too. I told her I wasn’t going to do that and pointed out that I was not a dog. She scoffed, ‘a dog that gets taken out for lunch!’ Then she made comment about the 50 euro note sarcastically, I asked her if she wanted 50 euro for lunch? She said no.

Other guys

Another night she went out drinking with her classmates to celebrate completing her course and didn’t come home making up a plausible story. I couldn’t sleep all that night and was churning everything over. I am not proud of it but I did some snooping and found pictures of ex boyfriends on her laptop, some in bed together, like trophies. We all have exes, but it was weird seeing her with different guys, like we were interchangeable.

I also found her ‘list’ and was horrified to find I shared something in common with 16 other guys. Bit different to the four boyfriends she told me about. Many only had first names listed, and where they were from. I’m assuming that is because she didn’t know the surnames of those ones and the locations were to help her remember. I am not overly judgmental and have had a conservative number (much less) of partners, but given how much younger than I am she is, I felt quite sick. And to think she had told me how having sex with a guy who was in love with her and respected her (me) would have been ‘like a one night stand’, what a load of crap.

She was so inconsistent. When I told her about a friend of mine who was getting divorced, she asked how long they had been together and then commented, that’s the problem with New Zealanders, they get married too young with the first person they go out with. Other times she would say (in defence of not wanting to sleep with me) that she wanted a boyfriend for life not someone that was going to leave after a few months.

I spent the night reading on the net about my situation and one thing lead to another before I stumbled across a site about sociopaths, since then I have spent dozens of hours reading on the subject and feel that she displays 80-90 per cent of the characteristics commonly listed or attributed to a sociopaths.


We had a big argument the following day; she had arranged for tickets to a party for us that night. She got a little annoyed with me but didn’t show much in the way of emotion. I told her a lot of what she had done that hurt me. I told her our relationship wasn’t fair and all she did was take take take. She told me that was just the way she was. She had told me previously that she couldn’t tell me she loved me, which had the effect of making me want to do more for her, to show her how much I loved her.

After showing zero empathy she went about fixing her make up and getting dressed for the party. I couldn’t believe it! Nothing was going to stop her going, she admired herself in the mirror as I lay in bed watching her, dumb struck. The she asked me to drop her off so she could drink!!! Which I was stupid enough to do!!!!! She came home at 5 am and turned that around, when I asked if she had a good time, it was ‘no, I was drinking to take my mind of us, I’m sooo stressed out.’ Then instantly off to sleep!

Sociopathic traits

Some of the most stand out traits for me were her eyes, when I was upset and talking with her she would ‘scan’ me, her eyes empty and wide, taking it all in, in a cold kind of way, hard to describe but very eerie. I have heard others comment on this also. The fake smile that at first I thought was beautiful, but now think of as a ‘Cheshire cat’ smile, all teeth but the eyes are not smiling. Even when crying the eyes DON’T ring true. The tears are streaming but the eyes look fake.

She is intelligent and sooo manipulative. She would ask me specifically what certain facial expressions I would make meant. Sounds mean, but it was like she was an alien trying to learn all she could about humans. I read about the eyes darting side to side when scamming, I noticed this too when she was pouring her heart and soul out to me! The baby speak she would do when referring to her Mum and Dad, pointing to them and saying ‘Mamma, Dadda’ in a truly infant like voice.

Her sense of entitlement was amazing; the world owed her everything. She had no empathy and couldn’t relate to my pain at losing my Dad. When I told her I felt sorry for my Mum, as several of her friends passed away in close succession recently, I was met by, ‘well that’s the age she is getting to.’ She is promiscuous, carrying a condom in her wallet despite being in a ‘relationship’ with me. The falling asleep almost instantly no matter how stressed I was from some of our interactions. The thrill seeker in her, bungy jumping, sky diving, drawn to high risk behaviour and occupation. The absolute control freak in her. The charm and sex appeal oozed from her and she had all the guys at work eating out of her hand. She is so preoccupied with money, and material things, clothes, jewelry, I watched her in shops, her face lit up as she ran around the store in an almost manic state. I joked to her she was like a magpie surrounded by shiny objects.

Getting out

My sister was my lifeline to sanity and talked me into getting out. I packed my bag one morning when she was out and left a note before taking off to another city. This was after one and a half weeks with her in Germany. I had to leave before the weekend as I was determined not to do all the moving and painting chores she had lined up for me. I tried to salvage the little shred of self respect I had left.

Now I am trying to kill time while staying sane before I can get to see my sister in another country and have some support. I feel like I am going crazy and in a sick way I miss my SP, she sent me one SMS when she found out I had left asking me to call, pretending she wanted to know I was safe, but I know the truth now, she never cared for me at all only what I could do for her.

I still check my phone to see if she has called or messaged me. I can’t eat and have lost a lot of weight and have difficulty sleeping, I feel so unwell and alone and all that after a grand total of three and a half weeks of being in the same countries (with four months of long distance relationship in the middle). I can’t imagine what it would be like to marry or have children with a sociopath.

I guess on the plus side I am lucky to have found out when I did, but I am still hurting so badly 🙁 I have to find out how to undo the damage she has done to me. I now have five months before I am guaranteed my job back and have nowhere to live when I return home, and to think I wanted to sell my car and take two years off work all for a dream girl who never even really existed!!!

I really feel like my soul has been attacked by this person. I read the term emotional vampires and I think it quite apt. I will never be able to trust people the same way again, ever. I know that if I would have read my story before I met her, I would not have thought this could have happened to me. It is also easy to look back with hindsight, but when you are the target a sociopath, who basically morphs into your ideal mate, it is a very powerful and seductive process, watch out! I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy. I feel for all the others who have had their lives rocked by a sociopath. Interestingly, I don’t feel anger towards her, I truly now think she is ill but somehow it doesn’t help me. I want the woman I fell in love with back so badly but I know that is impossible ”¦


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Dear “Drained”,
Please understand that when we as human beings are put thru this it is because we are human beings unlike the sociopaths that enthrall and devour us. My husband was married to a sociopath for 14 yrs and had 2 children with her, you need to thank God you leave no legacy in children with her…, you can end it, but when kids are involved, it never ends. the grip is eternal! I am a victim in this as he and his children are….female sociopaths are Not recognized and acknowledged by the courts…no one can imagine a “mother” not really loving her children. My husbands ex has put us thru living hell, but we have survived together and stronger…(we are 12 yrs apart in age). I have hung in there with him unaware in the first years what we would have to face and what kind of evil lurks out there…if you’re not a sociopath, until you’re involved with one you are clueless to their destruction. I have learned that all kinds of people are exploited by sociopaths, they are usually intelligent, educated and well rounded, why would a sociopath want someone like themselves? I want you to be thankful for what she didn’t take from you and move forward, you will find a genuine person to be happy with…Take Your Power back as my husband did…….life will get better and so will you….this time you will be prepared and wiser…God Bless and good luck Beth

Ox Drover

Dear Drained,

Thank you for a wonderful article about your encounter with a person who sounds highly psychopathic, narcissistic and uncaring!

Welcome to LF and I hope you will hang around and read and learn. There is some great support here and knowledge helps us take back our power.

Again, Welcome. God bless.


Dear Drained,
Wonderful article. Thank you for the time and energy you put into that.
If you are in anyway talented at writing, it would make an excellent short (or long) story. The world at large needs to know how to recognize a sociopath.
You are going to be okay. Better than okay.
Once you work thru the trauma, realize what your “hooks” are (what made you vulnerable, besides your lonliness), and understand YOU better than you ever have before, you will be thankful for this horrifying experience. (I know, it’s hard to imagine that!)
My own took 25 years. and really, it is ongoing as I realized how much my upbringing was involved so it’s really 45 years now.
The way you explain the sociopath as being so childlike and calling “mamma and dadda” and falling asleep instantly and asking you to explain facial expressions, was really fascinating.

You see, I have a theory that the sociopath is just a person who is emotionally infantile. That means that they are still using the survival traits of an infant: charm, pity and rage to manipulate others into caring for her/him.
But a big part of that is being able to read the facial expressions of the care givers. This is all important because they need to know what’s working and what isn’t so they can change strategies. My theory is that they do EVERYTHING they do, just to see the expression on your face. That’s the end game. They no longer actually need your money or help since they are adults, but the emotional payoff is what they need. Unable to actually feel your emotions or relate (they have no empathy), they memorize facial expressions so they can later use them to manipulate.

My exP would comment on the facial expressions that he could elicit from his prey.
Your article was really interesting.

super chic

Drained, thank you for writing such a good article!
I really felt what you were going through,
your writing really drew me into the story.

I am glad you left. That’s what I did,
I salvaged the one little shred of self respect I had left,
and I’m glad I did. Still miss him though,
but a teeny bit less every day.

Hope to hear from you again soon!

Dani S

Dear Drained! Thank you for sharing your story but sorry like so many of us you have fallen prey to the cruelest heart ache of them all, falling in love with a Sociopath!

I married my prince Charming that ended up being Prince Harming and had a child to him. Luckily he slipped off into the sunset never to be seen again and abandoned all his 3 girls to 3 different mothers. My ex H spath eyes freaked me out and in time I knew when he was going to abuse me just by the look in his eyes as he walked through the door. My heart used to skip a beat when I heard his car pull up in the drive way, I was so excited to see him. In the end my heart still skipped a beat but it was with fear!

I just really want to say to you, The sun will come out again! What has happened is no reflection on who you are, she was never going to see the real you and love you for you as she was not interested in seeing ‘you’ she only see’s herself in everyone she meet and what she can get.

I too was just out of a long term relationship, a marriage of 11 years when the spath came along. I didn’t even have time to mourn my first marriage as I was swept off my feet. But landing on the ground after him was ‘the ‘hardest thing I have ever had to go through. LF was great in my recovery, education and therapy, stick around and I hope you are feeling better soon. You are lucky you got away when you did by the sounds of it~ Best wishes~


great article.

I posted last night under a difernet story and now it’s not up there in the margin?
what do I do?

thank you so much.


Dear Drained,

I am so sorry this happened to you. I feel your pain and confusion over all of it. Please do not blame yourself for what this woman did to you. You are a loving, kind, intelligent person who didn’t deserve any of this. Like all of us here at Love Fraud, you were conned, and chosen, because you are a wonderful, empathic person. You fell in love with an illusion. All of us here understand what you’re going through. I know the pain and grief that you’re experiencing is overwhelming right now. Not being able to sleep or eat, losing weignt, the anxiety attacks, not being able to think straight… In time you will be so grateful that you left her and have had no contact with her. She would have completely destroyed your life. She is evil to the core and will never be able to love or have a normal, healthy relationship with anyone. She isn’t capable of it and never will be. As Bethv said above, thank God you didn’t marry her and have children with her.

My heart goes out to you, Drained. It will take time to heal from this. You will heal and you will survive to become a much stronger person.

I wish you nothing but the best!

Hugs and God bless you!


I love Drained’s article.

It has made me think of a lot of things.

as you know I met one Dec. 17th.

To give you an idea of the lovebombing (or maybe I blew it with a good guy part of me still thinks.)
after we “dated” two weeks–
he said– how he had really liked me from the start cuz I’m so funny and “adoreable”
he asked me to call HIM from MY phone–
so that I could see what name he had put me under in his cell phone upon the first night we met.

I called him and– looking at his cell phone the following appreared on his screen and I want to cry.


that was it! I was under the name ‘LOVE”–

I was sure this had to be the guy!!!

LOVE you guys!!! Who does that if they do not really mean it.

I think that maybe he DID MEAN it– and that he believes things when they are happening. Like–
when he said– let’s get you pregnant and go on vacation and celebrate and elope–
he may not have been thinking, “Wow– I got this girl going- listen to my BS”–
he may have actually– been in the moment and it was reality to him.

Can you see now why it hurt so much that he went from the above– to going away to finishing work in Boston–to not contacting me– and going cold? What the?

I can soooo relate to you. Even your screen name.
I am usually a spaz. Tons of energy.
I can hardly move this am.

I think it may be time to go back on Effexor 🙁


Drained– I have lost weight too– not from eating less– but from constant anxiety attacks.


sorry to be annoying and keep posting.
but as I read Drained’s article- my jaw drops. I feel as if I could have written his post!!!

Ox Drover

Dear Akita meg,

On the “Love” thing—hearing about it NOW it sounds so CONTRIVED, but knowing what we know about “s-path-speak” and how they use language to trap us, language that they really don’t even know the meaning of, words like “love”—but yea putting the word “Love” on his phone and then asking you to call it so YOU COULD SEE IT was his way of using WORDS he didn’t know the meaning of (but had heard them and gotten results) to con you into trusting him and then of course, getting you into bed.

Whatever it takes to get a woman in bed, then she has no more value as she is simply then a scored target and he moves on to the next one, but she can be kept in the background for SUPPLY if one day he finds himself without a “friend with benefits.” UGH!!!!!!!

Research has proven that some parrots (especially the African Gray kind like mine) can actually learn to READ up to 200 words, do simple math and learn the meaning of counting. My parrot knows that the word “asshole,” muttered under his breath or spoken a little louder is an ANGRY word. He says it in a perfect mimic of my husband’s voice, not often but very clearly when he is very angry at someone. He knows how to use the word very appropriately to express his anger.

Another friend of mine who had a parrot who would speak in a little girl’s voice and try to “suck up to you” to get you to let him out of the cage if he was being confined in the cage. He also knew several choice “angry words” and angry commands like “shut the F^ck up!!!” and he knew that the words “NO stop it” meant he wanted you to quit doing what you were doing, like covering up his cage because he wouldn’t quit screaming and cursing.

Once the cage was covered up, he would talk SWEET in the little girl’s voice again, begging you to let him out.

Psychopaths are just like that darned bird. They know what are “angry words” and they know what are “suck up words”–my son C had a parrot once who hated me and would call me (and only me!) Bird brain! He would also try to lure me close enough to bite me by calling to me, “Come here come here” which I did and which he did bite me several times until I FINALLY did catch on!

They know the words that WORK to get them what they want or to express what they want to (anger, or other things) though they may not know the finer meanings of the words like “love” or the EMOTIONS most of us couple with that word, they know if they say that WORD, then other people respond by giving them sex.


I am SOOOO THANKFUL FOR YOUR POST you can’t imagine.

it is sooo much like my recent story that it is amazing. Makes me not feel so alone.

Hey– you get to go to Italy to see you sis?
What a great country to do some healing!

thank you for your honesty.

I could not tell much by the way of eye contact with my guy- becuz he had a lazy eye that looked in another direction. Guess he did have a wandering eye after all. 🙂
Unfortunately the rest of him was gorgeous- but who gives a shite.

Bon Giorno!


I was a vet tech for years! Took in an African Grey- how symbolic.

One morning I walked by his cadge all loving and said, “Good Morning Einstein”– I put my little finger in the cage to give him some love–
They are the smartest animal on the planet– so i had NO FEAR.


The vet stitched it back on and I have never gone back to rehabilitating parrots– as much as I love them. I am not a vet tech anymore either.

I will just think of my last SP as a damaged African Grey who could not me rehabilitated no MATTER HOW MUCH LOVE, FOOD AND SHELTER I GAVE HIM.
I have dealt with all types of animals and the African Grey is the only one that scares me now! I do not even fear snakes!

yes– my last guy was an African Grey– smart as all heck-
used “words”–
loved me when he wanted something–
and bit me- leaving me to bleed after I had done good things to him and trusted him.

How is your Grey? Mean?

Have you ever seen the African Grey from the University of Arizona (I went there)– who can tell you texture, color and everything about an object?
I do love birds!


How many pets do you have?

Huge animal person here. Huge.


that is hilarious about your African Gray. Birds are some of the smartest animals out there, it’s just hard to tell because most of them can’t speak – except for parrots. They can plan ahead and can manipulate. Crows are especially smart too. (and that makes them creepier)

I saw your response to my post about my brother yesterday, thank you for that. I couldn’t respond because I left the house and was driving most of the day. But it helped.

Ox Drover

Meg, Yea, I saw films of that Gray she had there for 35+ years, he ended up a feather plucker though and eventually died, but he could READ 200+ words, and knew the meanings of them and could count as well as a 4-5 year old. INTERESTING BIRD!

Mine is smart too and speaks many languages, CAT, DOG, HUMAN, BOB-WHITE, HAWK, GOAT, and several other dialects like microwave, fire alarm, Carbon monoxide detector, LOL

I have the one parrot, Oliver, a Jack Russell named Bud (a rescue dog) and a Black mouthed curr named Stella, (also a rescue) two donkeys named Fat Ass and Hairy Ass, a solid black cat named Dot (in the house) a 7-toed black and white outside cat with a bob tail named Shrodinger, and a horse named Rosie, three long-haired long-horned Scottish Highland pet cows named Peggy Sue, Elizabeth and Fiona, and a potted pony tail palm tree over 30 years old and about 4 ft tall and 4 ft wide that lives in the house in the winter time named EARL. I’m not sure where I’m going to put Earl if he keeps on growing. He was an abused plant when he was younger, but now that I’ve had him for about 5 years and he gets plenty of sunshine, water and love and I DO talk to him, he is very happy and his top-knot is really pretty and wide, He’s grown about 6 inches of stalk in the past couple of years. His previous land lord kept Earl in the dark a lot and didn’t water him so he sort of just barely managed to survive, but he’s like I am pretty tough, takes a lot to kill him. LOL

Meg, I know a guy who had a GREAT mccaw named sam that was fantastic and never bit for about 25 years, then one day Sam just reached out and took a joint off his finger, cut it clean off like a surgical knife.

Yep, can’t trust parrots completely. Oliver has only seriouslyy bitten me once and that was when I went on a vacation for 10 days and came home and he was sooooo mad at me he wouldn’t forgive me til he punished me.

He’s hand raised and you can cuddle him and pet him but they DO bite sometimes unprovoked and are somewhat unpredictable so they are like psychopaths you can’t trust them. He is so funny though, he makes up for his s-pathy tendencies and keeps us laughing with his Meowing, barking, and other sounds. You can tell him “can you bark?” and he will bark. Or you can make a barking sound and he will say “can you bark?” or you can call the “here kitty kitty” and he will meow.

My late husband would say to himm “Hello, Oliver,” and the bird would say to him “Hello, M_____” with me I can say “hello Oliver” and he will reply “hello Oxy” so he is pretty sharp.

When the kids were little we had a pet crow, named “QUOTH, THE RAVEN.” Quoth was an injured adult when I got him but since he had a broken wing and was not able to fly, he stayed around, and he rode on the mane of my son’s pony and went riding with him. Really cute. We had a tree hung cage outdoors for when we were not around to protect him in the yard, and our neighbor kid got a new pellet gun and needed something to kill so he killed Quoth as he sat in his cage.

lesson learned


This was a lot for me to take in. Your article really walked us through your relationship and your pain. It was very difficult to read through and feel your pain at what this woman did to you. Be so grateful that you didn’t have children with this woman. you can pick up the pieces and move on with your life, without having to be tied to a spath for the rest of it. It’s not fun having children with a spath. God bless you on your healing journey. I hope you find peace again.

Akita, You raised a very important issue in one of your posts thinking that perhaps you believed he really FELT at the moment what he was saying. This has been a real source of pain for me, particularly after reading one of the Dr. Leedom’s articles yesterday. It’s also confusing. Does the spath actually FEEL what he says he does IN THE MOMENT, or does he just say it to manipulate, everything that comes out of his mouth? I’ve been thinking about this too. When my spath was acting all lovey dovey and saying how much he loved me, did he mean it? I remember one night when I spent the night out at his house. What a wonderful evening we had. One of the FEW wonderful evenings we had. I got up in the morning, made his bed and made him some coffee. He said how much he appreciated that because NO WOMAN had ever done that for him before. He was getting ready for work, and was in a hurry, but he was packing a bag and taking it with him. I had this sick feeling in my gutt watching him take it to the car as we left and he was taking me home to drop me off before work. I asked about the bag. What was in it, cuz he also had a nice shirt on a hanger he was taking too. “Oh I’m meeting so and so for dinner after work tonight”.

It took two months to realize that he had a date that night. He had many dates on many week nights. He made up stories that were convincing to me, until I caught him in a lie. So did he mean everything he said that night? I dunno. But if he did mean it, it wasn’t like that the next day.

My spath I think, is a bit different than most spaths on discussed here. I think he’s a one woman at a time guy in a new relationshit, new marriage. He introduces triangulation later on. I don’t know this for certain, he could be cheating on new gf too, as he still visits his dating site, but on his off week from the kids, he isn’t on there at all. He’s with gf. Does he mean what he’s saying to her? Dunno. Can the “attraction” last for awhile to where they are monogamous for a time? I suppose some can be. Which only adds more pain to the situation for me. I wasn’t “deserving” of the love bombing attentiveness he has given to his first two wives and this new gf, because they weren’t OW’s and weren’t “tainted” by a moral issue, so as to complicate the image of himself he wants projected.

Do they feel what they say they do? I wonder if they can be smitten. I think that it’s possible that one woman can be quite a supply for awhile though.


super chic


Here are a couple of rockin’ powerful songs you can sing to
and dance around in your livingroom… I posted one last week
maybe you missed it!!

This first one starts at about the 1 minute mark…

Now I want you to really jump around and get some
head banging going on… and really ramp up the energy!!
I know you can do it, you’re a singer… right?
Strut around and feel your power!!

lesson learned


ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fat ass and hairy ass? OMG! That is just too funny.



Hi Dreamed , Seems like us new zealanders are proned to this type of thing . I have been living in canada for the last 30 years though . Don’t know if you read my “O like Umbrella” article . You can search it on lovefraud or even on Google , I discovered . It may or may not be of use . Read as many books as you can On psychopaths , stay away from other psychopaths until you heart and mind settle down and thank your your lucky stars you got out when you did . You have now been initiated into a world that you probably had little awareness of and unfortunately you can never go back to the perception that you once had . Over the next few years you will have a lot to learn about psychopaths if you wish to avoid them . You know all those alien invasion type movies that you probably laughed at …….all true . Vampire movies ……..them too . Welcome to the world of psychopaths and all its nastiness . Good luck mate you will survive . Remember, always hang on to your own reality and your own logical self .


in my post I said Hi Dreamed , I meant Hi Drained



Their words mean one thing…”thanks for giving me what I need”…and now I am entitled to go out and get something/one
else that can give me more of what I need.
Period. The end.


LL and Akita,
if you want to know what a spath is thinking when he speaks, it’s pretty easy, just remember Bill Clinton.
“I did not have sex with that woman.”

That seems like a very simple black and white sentence, but it isn’t. The first thing Bill did was change the meaning of the word sex. He defined it as putting his D in her V. Since that never happened, (but everything else you can imagine probably did) He can tell himself that he believes what he says although he concurrently knows that he is deceiving you.

Does that make sense? It does to a spath.
Think about it: he tells the truth and deceives you at the same time. That’s what I meant when I said, “he lies all the time. The only time he tells the truth is when he is using it to make you believe a lie”

They are the most convoluted thinkers. That’s why they used to be called morally insane.
Their ability to hear the words but not the music is part of that. They don’t actually understand the meaning of most words. Especially the word TRUTH. If a word has any depth, they don’t get it. They can speak about shallow things and they love to use words that have depth (truth, love, integrity), but they don’t feel the depth of the words.


Oh and another word they don’t get is “Thanks”.
They use it but only as a form of manipulation.
Gratitude is beyond them because they are entitled to everything already. So why should they thank anyone?
On the other hand, after I left my spath, I got him to give me some money and he said, “you never thank me. I never get any thanks for anything I do for you”
WTF? He poisoned and sabotaged me and tried to get me to kill myself and left me in debt and I’m supposed to thank his sorry fucking ass?


I observed mine was very fotogenic, too….
Seems common in these robots with no emotions that can ruin the pic.


Yep, my friend spath’s favorite saying was “Yah, cause people FORGET what ya do for them” She should know she forgot any kind or good deed anyone has ever done for her. In her mind we are all just “piece’s of shit”


Skylar, mine said thanks twice in Christmas when i gave him a gift 😀 and more times i think. But it must be because he learnt to be polite living in a country like Switzerland where people are generally polite.
Yes, morally insane were called these creatures more than 100 years ago. No doctor knew what the hell were these poisons with human body, they just knew they were morally wicked. And we have made not many more advances except that nowadays the brain scanners answers the question why they’re morally insane.

lesson learned


I heard that load of bullshit constantly, the LAST IM he sent was “You keep saying you’re goign to give me a birthday or christmas present and you never have NEVER”>…WTF?

Ok…true, I didn’t every year, why? BECAUSE HE”D START AN ARGUMENT, provoking me and then giving me the silent treatment, it was always WORSE approaching holidays and birthdays.
NEvermind the dollars I spent on a gorgeous watch that the little bastard still wears.

I did get thanks you’s. But only to manipulate. And very rarely.

Sky, I appreciate your approach with me on how they think, what they think when they’re saying what they do,. Helpful.

BTW? Mine had an absolutely gorgeous smile on a man I’ve ever seen. EVER. And he’s extremely photogenic. You’d never be able to tell, not even in photos, that he had the absent, hollow eyes. His smile was SO BIG that it pushed his cheeks up and his eyes would look as if they were smiling too.

That was one of the things that was so attractive about him. His smile.



I heard that Lucifer was the most beautiful angel too. 🙁

They might not all be beautiful but they are certainly either magnetic or repulsive with no in between.


don’t feel guilty now because you gave him no more gifts.
I gave mine very few ones and none of them specially expensive. I didn’t spoil him at all. And when i discovered the truth i gave him a big “Get died, psychopath”.
LL, disconnect a bit, with these creatures we lose always. They always win because they have nothing to lose because they don’t suffer, they’re never sad. They’re like toys, like Chucky
I’m serious, at the end i had nightmares. And it’s because they’re diabolic and one can feel it someway.


Hi Eva,
Mine was a real prize.
He would put about $100 down on a present for me, (something he wanted) and I had to pay the other $1000!

I had to have been EXTRA stupid to go along with that and I WASN’T EVEN OFFENDED!



Ay Skylar! Mine pretended the same. It just happened it was not the right moment. In other circumstances maybe i would have fallen too. Also the different countries helped me a bit, i think. They move fast, if we had lived closer who knows what would have happened…
No, i’m not so sure of “extra” stupidities but of the fact that the ball becomes bigger and bigger and bigger.
I think i was lucky besides being practical.
Still i tried to keep the friendship, though he didn’t want friendship.


This story is strikingly similar to mine, except heterosexual — meeting while the spath was on travel to my country, short-term, took place around Christmas, I was also stressed and depressed, he was a younger person (but not as much), my attempt at a long-distance: text messages, emails, phone calls…

Some experiences are almost identical:

“I overlooked the odd outburst she had during those two weeks as cultural differences…”

This enabled him to completely manipulate him with his game of “innocent boy.”

“At first I don’t think I really liked her apart from her appearance.”

Same here, except that he appearance was not striking, in fact, this apparent “normalness” or “guy-next door look” was what made him attractive to me.

“A few nights later a small group of us went out for drinks.”

It was me with his friends and that night, due to his mirroring, is when I really felt that there was a connection.

“The Pity Play”

His was more about personal details. I was pretty open about my situation and told me something that “I have not talked about much with anyone else…”

“Next thing we were going back to my place…”

Here is the major difference. When I simply invited my x-spath back to my place, he was insulted and I had “offended his British reservedness…” Thus, my relationship, thank god, was not sexual, as he was hiding that he was HIV+.

“I couldn’t believe that after all my bad times of the past few years this amazing young woman had crashed into my life. I am slightly religious and believe in fate and really thought things had picked up for me at last.”

While I would consider myself more spiritual than religious, I felt exactly the same. I even remember jokingly asking him why we had not met sooner. (As fate would have it, I actually did meet him before, in a “virtual” sense.

“She once asked about my sex life.”

Here is that curious difference. He never asked me anything about my sex life, odd for a gay man. I wanted him from early on to know what I had my moments when I was not exactly an angel, but apart from him alluding to when he first came out, he did not talk about sex.

“I would write long e-mails getting the occasional brief reply.”

Once I did not hear from him for a couple days. I was concerned, as he was traveling to a dangerous city. His excuse to me? “I had many emails and I wanted to take my time to give you a thoughtful reply…” Yeah, right. More likely, he was in internet chat rooms…

The story diverges as while I was making plans to visit him over the holidays in England, he has already used me for whatever and dumped me.

“I really feel like my soul has been attacked by this person. I read the term emotional vampires and I think it quite apt…. I know that if I would have read my story before I met her, I would not have thought this could have happened to me. It is also easy to look back with hindsight, but when you are the target a sociopath, who basically morphs into your ideal mate, it is a very powerful and seductive process.”

I could not say it better.


Skylar, maybe i’m a bit psychopathic, too. After all this experience cleared the mistery of my biological father personality, and i have his genes… 🙂
The fact is that everything started having no sense and my surviving instinct said to me: Eva, you go first so say goodbye to this big, blonde stud of big cock.
And it was hard but i could not do anything else because i searched for information and i found his pic in the psychopathic scale of Hare. I got horrified, i didn’t know such desorder existed but he displays it so strongly i could no lie to myself. And it gave me fear, a fear i had already unconsciously started feeling. So i ignored his superficial charming, which is not little. I don’t want a toy with just superficial charming in my life.

lesson learned


I have BOTH my parents genes, obviously. My father is, without a doubt a spath. My sister and my brother are undoubtedly spath. My mother, I believe was an N.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh boy…………

So, having said that, I think my concerns are a bit on a grander scale that way now. I was reading an article here that scared the bejesus out of me today. AM I?

I’m trying to put some things together with regards to my reactions, things I’ve done that piss me off about myself. That are CLEARLY spathy or are they?

There is apart of me that is highly empathetic. I want to help others and did, to my detriment. But in talking with my daughter about this (she’s just out of a spathy relationshit five or six months now), I set myself up to be victimized, as well as to act the martyr part. I’d allow people to walk all over me then RESENT IT! My heart was right in helping, but as time passed and I realized I couldn’t take it all on, I felt guilty and selfish then came the RESENTMENT. Then the anger.
I’ve also, particularly this last year, had a horrible time keeping commitments to people. I have a terrible time telling friends that i just don’t feel up to going out when they ask. I’ve lied to get out of stuff, not to intentionally hurt, but to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. But to also avoid connection to others. I feel hypersensitive, do NOT trust my judgment, DO NOT know how to say no, do not know how to be honest about saying no without a lot of guilt in doing it. I constantly worry about the reactions of others. Guilt motivates just about everything I do. I do not know how to say NO. I’m afraid to connect on any level because I’m so frightened of getting hurt too. If I DO connect with someone, I’m IMMEDIATELY needy! I don’t feel myself. I only know how to react to my survival instincts, which have not worked in my adult relationshits. now not EVERY single relationshit or friendshit is this way. I do have connections and love for a variety of my friends and care very much about them….but I don’t see them very much, even if we connect a lot on FB. I’m just TERRIFIED of my own inability to forge boundaries and my inability to say no and be honest about why. That is very frustrating. With exPOS ALL Of those elements were violated on a constant basis. I dealt with him CONSTANTLY in this manner and the more he withheld from me or played games, the MORE I wanted to try to attach. He was elusive and he understood the game, even though I didn’t even LIKE this man??? ALl of these things are terribly confusing and upsetting to me. I walk around in a very surreal state. For the first time in my life, I don’t know WHAT to do! I’m constantly reacting to things. Hypersensitive to EVERYTHING around me.

I want the support my friends offer and I know they love me too. But I can’t seem to receive it. I can’t get close. I’m so frightened to love again. It seems so dangerous to me on every single level and I’m so deeply wounded and grieving, coupled with an underlying rage and anger, I don’t feel SAFE to anyone outside my circle right now, meaning my children. I just completely shut down when it comes to connecting right now. This is self sabotage because I feel MORE alone…but I just don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t know who I am, what I want, or where I”m going. My health is affected, I’m constantly in a state of apprehension or anxiety. I just don’t know what the future holds and everyday feels more painful and slow. There are moments of clarity, but they don’t last long.

The last ten years of my life, I put others on hold for spath. I was constantly depressed, or on a “high” (brief) as a result of spath. I gave him all of my power.

So what’s the connection in why I would want someone who has turned my world upside down? That IS the question. He depleted me on every single level. I haven’t figured out yet why I allowed this to happen. There is so much turmoil in the why’s, the frustration in the why’s, the hurt and pain I’ve caused, as well as caused to me. There is great confusion. I also believe I”m very addicted to drama, the drama this man created. The apprehension that came with each contact, never knowing whether he was goign to love me or hate my gutts. Whether the conversation was going well then turned to shit in two seconds. I’m still reacting to that too. It feels INCREDIBLY BORING without it, yet at the same time, I don’t want to go there again and there is a great fear associated with even seeing this man and being triggered all over the place or the fear that he will someday contact me again.

I hate the things I’ve done that have hurt others. My lack of commitment, the people I gave up and let go becacuse of it, including my children. It’s very very frustrating. I realized today that I create drama with my reactions to things. These are all hard pills for me to swallow. He fed off a very deep, soul part of me that I’m struggling to understand. The reality that his motives were absolutely to destroy me or to take me down are things that are incredibly difficult to fathom. Why would someone do this to another? I asked myself that the entire relationshit. I loved this man and bend over backwards trying to show him how much and I put up with entirely too much that crushed me. Over and over and over. It wasn’t just one trauma but too many to count.

I’m scared, not only about my health right now, but whether or not I’m indeed spathy. Whether my emotional shut down and extreme insensitivity and lack of feeling was always there or just compounded by his spathiness. I don’t feel it was, but I’m not sure either. I have reacted all of my life, that is what I was trained to do. And I reacted extremely to those who hurt me terribly. I remember a childhood of tears and frustration and illness reacting to these people. I remember outbursts of anger and crying at the drop of a hat and others who enjoyed those reactions, my parents included. I also remember times of deep sorrow and pain, lying on my bed in childhood for hours at a time. My whole entire past seems like a very sad, very tragic existence that I’m just now seeing clearly….connecting the dots as if on an invisible piece of paper in my mind….like reparation is happening in the neuropathways in my head. I am committed to nothing and to no one. All I do is ruminate and think about why. Why I’ve done what I’ve done. Why everything seems so unreal right now. Why I sometimes feel, even and especially when out and about doing even the most basic of things, I’m on hyperalert for exPOS, but in a state of extreme hyperawareness of the environment around me. On alert for the psychopath. IN my mind, they are everywhere. If there is a word spoken that is anywhere reminiscent of my experience with exPOS, I dissociate. It is plain scary but i’m AWARE of it. I feel numb inside, when I’m not angry, reacting and crying and wonder if I will ever be well. If I will ever know peace and joy again.

Or if this last relationshit was/is the end of me. I’ve never felt so much pain in my life. Is it pain that is residual? I don’t know that either.

I just know I’m scared to death with all that I”m learning about myself, things I hate. And asking myself WHY i’m this way.

I feel permanently damaged right now.



Whatever you are…it is NOT your fault.
As a child you were a VICTIM.
YOU are not messed up.
Your SUBCONSCIOUS mind…your PROGRAMMING…is messed up.
THIS can be changed, LL.
It takes TIME and PAIN.

What you feel is desparation, confusion and you are beating yourself up.

You need to STOP. You were abused as a child…a VICTIM.
NONE of this is YOUR fault.

Lets start there.

lesson learned

But tobe,

Is it “normal” to feel this incredibly depth of aloneness without spathy now? He was always in the background, like an impending constant doom. He was the LAST of my toxins.

I have never felt so empty and alone in my entire life and I don’t know how to connect.

I feel like SHIT!


Ox Drover


And, yes, it is sort of “normal” to feel alone and not know which way to focus…so now you have to fill that space with YOU.


lesson learned


This IS The NOW! And I don’t know HOW to focus….all I feel is PAIN. I”m suppose to feel this or NOT suppose to feel this?



Ox Drover

ps LL, The healing starts out about them, but ends up about OUR SELVES. I found a LOT of things I didn’t like about myself, but I changed them…one thing at a time from stopping smoking, to stopping eating too much to enabling, to allowing others to be more important to me than myself.

When you start to feel this way, focus on the NOW and on the learning. Go back to the archives and READ and READ AND READ!!! KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!!


Give yourself a break!! You spent ten friggin years with that man!! Your’e not supposed to feel happy happy joy joy!!!
Even if your fish died after ten yrs you would miss it!!!
Its a VOID right now….


You are NORMAL…and right now you NEED to be self absorbed and selfish…like a sociopath. Its a survival mechanism…..but that doesn’t mean that you ARE one.
I remember feeling SO numb after I dumped him that I thought that “I” was a sociopath too. Also, because of the way I RAN without even telling him why.

You are just grief stricken right now.


Do you have any friends/relatives who live nearby that you are close to? You need someone to cry and vent to…

I called my sister here and told her to just listen…don’t say a word…let me vent.

She did. I eventually felt less pain.

lesson learned


I’m tired from reading my brains out. Really. There’s TONS I don’t like or understand about ME. I’m seeing those things and I HATE it!

Tobe, that’s probably more an accurate statement. A very VERY big void.

IS this why spaths move on so easily……because they don’t feel, thus “Miss” anything or anyone?

lesson learned


Everyone I know is either A. sick of hearing about it and avoiding me like the plague (except my therapist) and B. don’t understand an effing thing about spaths. They’re ALL telling me to “get over it”.

That’s just a little discouraging.



You are NOT going to be alone forever, LL.

You WILL rebuild your life, but it takes time and work.

Sit down and write ….write him a letter…
I have so many UNSENT letters on file…from when we split up.

You NEED to get your feelings out somehow.

Keep writing and reading. I spent 2 months…all I did was that….dwelled on it…wrote…read…and …..miraculously….
I felt better.

I started looking forward….set some new goals..and felt better.

But, it takes some time to get there even.

Right now…journal…write letters…read about socios.

Don’t fight your feelings.


Sociopaths are like 3 yr olds…..
When they get mad …they climb out of the playpen…storm away…and find a new toy to play with.

They are wired differently.

They are able to do what normal people can’t.

They don’t feel ATTATCHED to anything.

They aren’t ABLE to.

So, they just move on…..

When they are alone…they fall apart.

So, they don’t leave until they have new supply lined up.

Then, its just another warm body…..same as it ever was.


You really don’t miss HIM. You miss having a man in your life.
If a gorgeous man walked into your home right now…and said…get dressed …we’re going to dinner and he handed you flowers and chocolates..then he took you home and made love to you……

You would forget that assh*le in a second!!

You are just AFRAID to be alone.

Ten yrs of living an illusion that you have someone…even though you really didn’t……

Now ….a VOID.

You need to fill that void with something else….


I felt betrayal when I found the x on dating sites. I dumped him. I realized he was a liar.

I was petrified….felt that I was duped all along….I was angry….sad….scared.

I fluctuated from minute to minute.

One minute sad and loved him…next minute hated him.

My neighbor said…STAY ANGRY.

Anger gave me strength.

YOu need to go join that gym…..

Find the money.

Once you get there…and are around people…and men notice you…..

You will feel normal again…and realize…

there’s a big world out there…..

and being an attractive woman as you are….

You will have NO problem meeting another man.

Just gotta be smarter and wiser and go slower this time…

Let him sweat YOU out.

So….look forward…now. Join that gym. You need it.


I’m just trying to feel what you are feeling….to remember what worked for me. I was a MESS, LL….

I couldn’t even go to work….had to leave my job …and I have 3 kids and a house to support.


And, now…everyday is HEAVEN for me.

I came a LONG way baby…and you can too!!!!

Just listen to what I say and do what I say…..

I can help you …but YOU have to take action.

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