UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a man who posts as “Drained.’
I guess I have been in a bit of a hole for a while now and have generally been going through a rough time, which in hindsight may have made me ripe for the picking by my sociopathic ex girlfriend.
I had been unhappy in a previous long term relationship (prior to meeting my SP) for a considerable time, my ex partner is an amazing person, however we grew apart and were more suited as friends than lovers. I had been in this relationship for 12 years. My father passed away last year after losing his battle with cancer, which was incredibly hard to watch. I have been battling depression for some time and have a high stress job. I am a VERY empathetic person and prone to stress, suffering insomnia, loss of appetite and digestion problems when stressed. After my Dad died, my long term relationship was very strained and I had a mini melt down feeling unsupported by my partner, who was also badly affected by my Dad’s passing. I had great difficulty coping with life at this time and my partner and I separated for a period.
I decided to take off overseas for a holiday to get away from everything. I never thought I would cheat on my partner but I did while I was on holiday, and I now feel terrible about the hurt it caused. I guess it was my gutless way of ending the unhappy relationship as I let myself get caught. This resulted in me being the bad guy, which I accepted and having to move out leaving most of the possessions we had accumulated together with my ex partner and getting a small place on my own.
Big mistake, the loneliness was almost too much to bear. I have friends who were great to me during this time but they all had their own lives and were busy with partners and children. At the end of the day I would always go back to my small flat and watch TV feeling sooooo alone. This went on for a couple of months — and then a sociopath entered my life.
Girl from Germany
I met a truly unique person who was visiting my country (New Zealand) from Germany on a work exchange. From the very first moment I met her, I knew there was something different about her. She was young, beautiful, intelligent and seemed to ooze energy and sex appeal. Of course, she seemed extra sexy being from Germany in my part of the world. I didn’t really rate my chances from the outset, having relatively low self esteem, but was excited when I learnt we would be working together. Can’t hurt to have a hot chick around for a bit right — wrong!
At first I don’t think I really liked her apart from her appearance. She had a hot young body and I was drawn to her eyes, big eyes and the most amazing blue/grey colour. She was incredibly photogenic and could instantly pull off an expression that would give a model a run for her money. She had what I thought at the time was an amazing smile and seductive eyes. I thought, however, she was over opinionated and a bit of a ‘spoilt brat.’ She could talk almost nonstop about herself.
People in my work were bending over backwards to accommodate her and ensure she had an amazing time, seeing more of the organisation and having more opportunities in a few weeks than I had in over 8 years. But I reasoned she was a guest from another country, and a young attractive female in a male dominated profession, so I could understand it.
The beginning
After she had been around my work group about a week, I asked if she would like to accompany several of us who were going to see a movie the following day. She jumped at the chance. I felt at this stage I was just trying to be nice and include her. The following day she made out she forgot her cash card, so a friend of mine paid for her movie ticket under the agreement that she would pay him back later (she never did) from there we went out for dinner, still not having any money another friend offered to pay for her meal, after some tooing and froing, she reluctantly accepted (and never paid him back either). I thought it was really rude of her to turn up with no money and was sure I wasn’t going to pay for her (I would pay later though!).
A few nights later a small group of us went out for drinks and she came along. That was the night I started to fall for her. She was flirting and it ended up with three of us still at the bar, the third person being a male workmate of mine. I think now she was playing us off against each other. He was keen on her and had been spending a lot of time with her. She was flirting with me and he wanted her to leave with him as they had been travelling to and from work together as ‘friends.’ I tried to encourage her to stay out with me, but she decided to leave with my colleague (to go to the place she was staying) but not before giving me her cell phone number, without me even having to ask. A friend of mine whose wife was present earlier in the night later told her husband how obvious it was that my SP liked me and asked him if there was anything going on between us.
So we started sending each other SMS messages. She left to go to another city for the weekend and experience more of my organisation and the SMS messages went back and forth. I asked her if she would like to do something when she got back into town. She stated she would and asked me out as she was driving 700 kms back to my city. I told her we could do something the following day as she would be very tired but she was keen to go out that night, being due back at about midnight! I thought that was very keen, now I see it as impulsive. So as she sped back to my city she would message me and I got ready to meet her.
Pity play
Next thing we were in a bar and I was buying drinks. She straight away opened up to me about problems she was having within my organisation, wanting pity from me. There had been an incident where she had started kissing a guy in another work group when the group had gone out together for drinks and one of the females had complained that she thought the behaviour was inappropriate. A manager had spoken to her regarding it and she didn’t like what he had to say. She was very open with me, I thought, and instead of seeing it as a red flag I thought she was just very honest and sensitive, she justified her behaviour by saying she was lonely and that there was nothing wrong with what two single people did outside of work, and I thought, well that is true.
So I tried to console her and make her feel better about herself — next thing we were going back to my place. It was all very whirlwind. Now I am a red blooded male, and she was, I thought, an incredibly attractive female, but I wasn’t going to assume anything so offered her my bed and said I would take the couch. She wouldn’t hear of it and we ended up in bed together. Things got hot and heavy and then she told me that she couldn’t go any further as she didn’t know me that well. I thought at the time it was kind of presumptuous, as I never said I wanted to sleep with her on the first date, but fell into the role of the macho male and said I understood.
Two weeks
She had two weeks left in my country at that stage, and what a two weeks it was. She spent the majority of it at my place being very well looked after, if I do say so myself (meals brought or cooked for her, gifts, being waited on in bed, using my car, everything being paid for as she explained she did not have much money). The sex was great, I couldn’t believe that after all my bad times of the past few years this amazing young woman had crashed into my life. I am slightly religious and believe in fate and really thought things had picked up for me at last.
Within a week I had fallen in love and told her I was falling for her. I introduced her to my mother, being my only close family in my city. I wanted to keep our relationship private to keep her reputation at work intact, but she was keen for people to know, making it obvious by dropping my house keys in front of my workmates after I had discretely handed them to her when she wanted to go home early. Well, I didn’t mind, I was proud I was with her but now I see it differently.
I was already dreading her leaving and would get down when I thought about it, she would tell me to cheer up and live in the moment, make the most of our time together. I tried but I told her how much she had come to mean to me already and how much I was going to miss her. She would look in shops when we were out together and I would buy her things she liked. I spent a lot on her; she would throw up token protest but took it all. She would insist on buying the odd small item for herself saying she didn’t want me to spend all my money on her.
I recall one of the odd comments she made when we drove past an older gentleman in a nice new BMW, “Nice car! I should go and be with him but not sleep with him and get all his money for us, eh?” I looked at her with a strange expression, thinking where did that come from, and she laughed.
Figured out
She had me figured out within days, if not sooner. She knew exactly what I wanted and would ask me all sorts of probing questions at odd times. She wanted to know if I believed in God, I told her I did but didn’t go to church, but considered myself Christian. She mirrored this.
She wanted to know all about my previous relationships, she insisted I go through each of them and outline what went wrong. She quickly established most of my earlier relationships had not gone well and stated she struggled with my 12 year relationship. I told her I had been unhappy for some time, and she said she couldn’t understand why I would stay with someone if I was unhappy. I tried to explain that we were still close and had both invested a lot in the relationship, so I had tried to make it work. She wanted to be assured that I was with her because of who she was not simply because I didn’t want to be alone and all those sorts of things.
I think now she was brainwashing me in a way, because in the back of my mind I knew it was too soon to get into a serious relationship for me but I had a shot with this unique amazing girl and I honestly thought I would be a fool not to pursue it. Pursue it I did — to my detriment!
Sex life
She is 12 years younger than I am but she was obviously smart and would often point out her father was about the same amount older than her mother and to look how happy they were together. This was, of course, appealing to the fact I was looking for a long and serious relationship, which she had established.
She once asked about my sex life, wanting to know if I had done it in a car, however, I made it clear that I didn’t like talking about that and didn’t want her to tell me about her past, that had been a source of hurt for me in the past with my ex who was more experienced than I was. I am not a prude but feel it is hurtful to throw what you have done with others in the face of the person you are with, and serves no purpose, so I would rather not discuss it. She tailored herself to mirror me stating she had only had four boyfriends (which I later found to be a lie).
She was openly attracted to one of my supervisors at work and made no effort to conceal this. I am not the jealous type, he was married anyway and I knew she was young so I never reacted, but she progressively shoved it in my face more and more as time passed. She would blatantly flirt with him to the point he was uncomfortable. I figured she had a crush on him but knew it couldn’t go anywhere and figured maybe she was trying to figure if I was the jealous type. I let it slide.
She’s going home
The time went by and it was nearly time for her to go home, but she told me she would be back at the end of the year for a holiday. I asked if she was my girlfriend, she sad yes. I felt happy and didn’t know how but hoped we could have a real relationship. One day she commented that she would really like to move to New Zealand, get a job in my organisation, for us to get married and raise little ones. I couldn’t hide the delight in my face and kissed her, I knew it was a pipe dream but it was just what I wanted to hear.
The time came for her to leave and I was devastated, it would be three months until her planned return. I had her e-mail and all her phone numbers and vowed to write and call. She explained how busy she was going to be as she had exams to study for, so she might not be able to e-mail me back as much. I told her that was fine and in reality at that stage I was going to accept whatever I could get of a relationship with her, no matter how out of balance it was and would turn out to be. I was in love, more intensely than I had ever been in my life.
I overlooked the odd outburst she had during those two weeks as cultural differences or the fact she was under a lot of stress. But she did have a temper on her that is for sure!
I was getting teary eyed at the thought of her leaving fairly regularly the closer it came to time for her to leave. She never did the same. I told her at the airport as I hugged her goodbye that I loved her, and I meant it. I had fallen head over heels in love in two weeks! To someone who has never met a sociopath I know that sounds stupid but I was in love.
She knew she had me wrapped around her little finger from that point forward (well actually a lot sooner than that).
Long distance
So the long distance relationship started. She would SMS and call regularly, and I craved hearing from her so much. My whole world was put on hold; I lived to hear from her. We would SMS back and forth and she would call early on but quickly told me how expensive it was for her to call, it was apparently about a quarter of the price for me to call her cell phone than the other way around, so that became the norm.
I would write long e-mails getting the occasional brief reply. After a while I sent a bunch of flowers and a teddy bear to her home, she said she loved them but quickly let me know her favourite type of flowers by posting me an internet link. She sent a photo of her with the flowers. I tried again a few weeks later making sure to order the right ones this time — no photos this time.
Her SMS messages stopped abruptly but she explained her phone bill had been massive and she had to cut back. I continued to SMS her. She stopped sending e-mails at all, I continued to e-mail, happily at first then feeling that it was not fair. She would explain that she just didn’t have time with all her study and would rather use it talking, which we did regularly but she asked me several times to continue e-mailing as she loved to get them. I told her I would love to hear from her occasionally too, but she didn’t budge and the e-mails and SMS went fully one way.
It took her a while to agree to my friend request on Facebook and she only did so on the proviso that I not post any personal things on there, i.e., nothing indicating we were a couple, saying she didn’t like to live publicly. I thought that was fair enough at the time but I now I realise she didn’t want to appear in a relationship with me so she could carry on a different life with others.
Missing her
She sent me a card telling me she was so happy she had found me, and how she thought of me and missed me every day, this took pride of place on my dresser, but I now realise it was a complete lie. She lead such a busy life, with sports, study, partying (she still had time to do that) and I felt so boring by comparison, all I did was miss her CONSTANTLY.
One day on the phone she called me lazy, which really hurt. She tried to take it back by saying she was joking, but she wasn’t. I tried to explain that I had done my study and passed my exams and now did shiftwork in a stressful job and had been suffering poor health recently so didn’t have the energy she did, but received zero sympathy/empathy and NO apology.
Then she asked me for a big favour. She had to write a lengthy essay as part of her studies for her job, she gave me a sob story about how much stress she was under and how much she had on her plate with sports commitments and other study for exams and how being in New Zealand had set her back behind her classmates. I could see where it was going and I really hoped she didn’t ask me, but she did. “You know you studied (the same subject at university) could you find an old essay I could use or could you write it for me?” I told her I didn’t feel comfortable and she could get into trouble and it would be better for her to do it, but she begged and joked about what she would do to repay me in bed. I ended up reluctantly agreeing, knowing I was being used and doing it anyway.
It took me hours and hours of my spare time and it really stressed me out having it hanging over me, but I got it done. I sent a draft off to her and told her it needed proof reading but that I had done all I could, she critiqued the formatting and then slipped in a ‘but it’s good’ and that was as close to a thank you as I ever got.
Our phone calls turned into me listening to her problems and trying to offer support and then being berated for not having enough to say about my life. Talk or else I’m hanging up didn’t work for me.
Christmas
I spent hundreds of dollars on phone calls and SMS messages. I sent her a beautful Christmas present. She asked me if I had sent anything and I told her I might have. She explained that she didn’t have time with the exams and the partying that followed. She said she really wanted to put some thought into my gift and so didn’t send anything. She later told me she had sent a card but turned out it was way too late and didn’t reach me until 2 weeks after Christmas; it contained a very inexpensive leather bracelet and necklace with her initial on, but it was the thought that counts, right?
One day she called and matter of factly told me she wouldn’t be able to come over in December as she wasn’t going to get enough holidays so it wouldn’t be worthwhile. She told me to think logically. I was shattered. I had been suffering every day, missing her so badly, to now find out she wasn’t coming and she didn’t even seem upset. I had been counting the days down. This sent me into a tailspin; I had to be with her at all costs.
Ticket to Germany
I booked a one way ticket to Germany after telling her this was what I was going to do. I wasn’t met with enthusiasm. I enquired about talking two years leave without pay from my job and submitted an application within the next few days. I figured I could support us using my superannuation money. I talked it over with her and she was resistant from the outset, she told me it was too drastic and that we had only known each other for two weeks, she told me this over and over. It really hurt because I was so in love and she was playing down our relationship.
I spent considerable time and effort trying to convince her I was happy to do it because I wanted to be with her. As it pans out I couldn’t get two years approved from work, one year was the maximum. She would constantly tell me that was too long and meant giving up too much. This made me more determined, I would have done anything to be with who I thought was the love of my life. She said she wanted to date like normal people but obviously this wasn’t an option with 22,000 miles separating us.
In the end I had to settle for five months off work due to great difficulty with trying to get a visa for Germany. This meant my plans of two years with this ‘wonderful’ woman in Germany were cut back to three months; nothing was going my way. She kept throwing up reasons why it wouldn’t work and two weeks before I was due to leave suggested I cancel my leave without pay and just come over for a holiday after I had made numerous enquiries with work and had all the paperwork submitted for five months off.
One week before I left she told me over the phone that she had made up her mind that she would not leave Germany in the next five years and wanted to be with her family and friends and focus on her career. I didn’t know what to think, I thought I was going over to continue a relationship, I didn’t have any guarantees from her but thought we could see how it played out, given she loved New Zealand so much and had previously stated several times she was keen to settle there. I didn’t know what to think and was shattered.
I talked to my friends who assured me all would be well and to just get over there, have a hug, sit down over a coffee and things would settle down and we would pick up where we left off.
Cool reception
I had a hell of a stressful time moving out of my flat and sorting everything before I left. I received zero empathy from her over the phone and zero enthusiasm about me coming over for the few days before I left.
When I arrived in Germany I was emotionally drained but had no idea what was come next.
She hugged me at the airport and held me in a way I could not hug her back, trapping my arms. I tried to kiss her, which she shrugged off.
I was so happy to see her, but something was different. I put it down to not having seen each other for several months. She had to drive considerable distance to pick me up from the airport. I offered to pay for her petrol as she pulled into a garage, which she took.
We arrived her place and I got into bed with her, she said goodnight rolled over and went to sleep (literally). I now know sociopaths can fall asleep and wake almost instantly, which is her to a T. She never liked to hug or cuddle, she liked her space in bed. She was tucked up in a separate blanket and I tried to sleep. During the night I tried to cuddle her and touched her backside, she woke instantly and told me that she needed time rattling off a prepared speech. I told her I understood and apologised.
Within a couple of days she explained that because she couldn’t see things going anywhere anymore we shouldn’t kiss or have any intimate contact, as it would stir up intense feelings and make it all the harder when the time came to go our separate ways. She said it would be like a one night stand if we slept together because she knew it was going to come to an end. I was blown away. I told her that she should have told me that before I came. For all intents and purposes we were basically just friends now who shared a bed. It was too much for me and I told her I couldn’t stay under that arrangement. She said so it’s all or nothing then? She called my bluff but I couldn’t bring myself to leave, and where the hell was I going to go?
Her rules
So I stayed on, playing completely by her rules. Of course it sounds like I am just a pushy male wanting sex, but it wasn’t like that, I can tell you. I loved this girl, or at least who I thought she was, and it was torture to go from what I thought we had to not even be allowed to kiss her! She wouldn’t cuddle or show me any affection. I didn’t understand what the hell was going on. As time passed she would occasionally kiss me, get me aroused and then leave me to suffer. She would let me pleasure her but only in ways that did not allow me any pleasure and then would not return the favour. I did this several times, while she was studying in bed. Once she was finished she would push me aside saying she had to study now.
I was incredibly frustrated and I’m sure she got off on that fact.
Here I was in a strange country, not having done much travel. She took me out one time to a spa, which was fun. The other outings were to the gym once and shopping once. One time her parents asked us out for lunch. In nearly two weeks that was it. The rest of the time I was in her room waiting for her to come home. She didn’t have a spare key for me so I could only really go out when she leant me her key, which she only did twice. She never offered me any drawers or cupboard space, despite having some spare. Instead I lived out of my pack on the floor.
Her move
I should mention that the unfortunate timing of my arrival coincided with her moving out and she was very keen on me helping her move and paint the inside of the flat she had been renting. The moving started within days of my arrival, my job was packing and carrying items to the car and into the basement of her new place. The main move and painting is to occur this coming weekend. After this she has a two week holiday and was keen for us to go to Egypt for a holiday, she recently (before I left for Germany) advised she no longer has the money for this holiday due to buying her new apartment. Of course, muggins me offered to pay, telling her how much she needed a break from her stressful life she is always complaining about. After this two weeks off she is due to start work proper, which I was recently told consists of a five week residential course in another city.
So her revised plan is for me to arrive, us have no sexual contact or only one way sexual contact, help her shift, paint her flat, take her on holiday then disappear and her to start work. My sister lives in Italy and I had planned to see her after 3 months in Germany but SP suggested I do this after the holiday.
I paid
As you can imagine I was a bit confused about everything. She took money from me to pay for the groceries, which is fair enough, however she paid for almost nothing in New Zealand. She paid for my lunch when we went out with her parents but only grudgingly and I was to pay her back. I went to the ATM however it only gave me a 50 euro note, lunch was 12.50. I told her I would pay her when I had some change, she later had a dig at me about this. I had literally spent hundreds of dollars on her on gifts and meals. I couldn’t believe it.
Everything is someone else’s fault. She took me to a shopping mall one night under the pretence of doing it for me but she wanted to go to a couple of shops, which is the real reason. She drives like a maniac, I was constantly telling her to slow down but she is proud of it. So she goes racing down a street and a speed camera goes off! Whose fault is it? Mine, she had study to do, but felt obliged to take me out and was speeding so we would have as much time as possible together at the mall. I tried to talk with her and tell her I was worried about her and she needed to slow down in life! She got angry, looked right through me and told me she didn’t need to be lectured. I tried to hug her and she pushed me away.
Another day I wrote her a lengthy heartfelt letter outlining how I felt about her, how much I loved her and even (regrettably now) how I thought she would be an excellent mother (not anymore) and how proud I would be for her to be the mother of my children. She read it and didn’t say a word to me about it. Later on she said, “I read it,” and that was it. Zero emotion.
Waiting on her
Then there was all the waiting on her I was expected to do. She would give me chore after chore, fill her hot water bottle, make her a cup of tea, get this, do that, massage her. I told her she was a spoilt brat and should have been smacked when she was a child. She didn’t like this.
One night I stood up to her. I had asked if she wanted a cup of tea before I turned in. She said no. She was studying in bed and I was dozing off to sleep, she asked me to make her a cup of tea. I refused — did that get interesting. She initially started pleading, you said you would make me one before — I told her I was tired and trying to sleep and to make it herself. She lost the plot, she started to hit me around the ribs, not overly hard but enough to be annoying, I told her to leave me alone and make it herself, she wouldn’t give up; she kept at me, it started to get scary. She couldn’t handle hearing no. When I flat out refused she told me to get out of her bed and sleep on the floor — she was serious too. I told her I wasn’t going to do that and pointed out that I was not a dog. She scoffed, ‘a dog that gets taken out for lunch!’ Then she made comment about the 50 euro note sarcastically, I asked her if she wanted 50 euro for lunch? She said no.
Other guys
Another night she went out drinking with her classmates to celebrate completing her course and didn’t come home, making up a plausible story. I couldn’t sleep all that night and was churning everything over. I am not proud of it but I did some snooping and found pictures of ex boyfriends on her laptop, some in bed together, like trophies. We all have exes, but it was weird seeing her with different guys, like we were interchangeable.
I also found her ‘list’ and was horrified to find I shared something in common with 16 other guys. Bit different to the four boyfriends she told me about. Many only had first names listed, and where they were from. I’m assuming that is because she didn’t know the surnames of those ones and the locations were to help her remember. I am not overly judgmental and have had a conservative number (much less) of partners, but given how much younger than I am she is, I felt quite sick. And to think she had told me how having sex with a guy who was in love with her and respected her (me) would have been ‘like a one night stand’, what a load of crap.
She was so inconsistent. When I told her about a friend of mine who was getting divorced, she asked how long they had been together and then commented, that’s the problem with New Zealanders, they get married too young with the first person they go out with. Other times she would say (in defence of not wanting to sleep with me) that she wanted a boyfriend for life not someone that was going to leave after a few months.
I spent the night reading on the net about my situation and one thing lead to another before I stumbled across a site about sociopaths, since then I have spent dozens of hours reading on the subject and feel that she displays 80-90 per cent of the characteristics commonly listed or attributed to a sociopaths.
Party
We had a big argument the following day; she had arranged for tickets to a party for us that night. She got a little annoyed with me but didn’t show much in the way of emotion. I told her a lot of what she had done that hurt me. I told her our relationship wasn’t fair and all she did was take take take. She told me that was just the way she was. She had told me previously that she couldn’t tell me she loved me, which had the effect of making me want to do more for her, to show her how much I loved her.
After showing zero empathy she went about fixing her make up and getting dressed for the party. I couldn’t believe it! Nothing was going to stop her going, she admired herself in the mirror as I lay in bed watching her, dumb struck. The she asked me to drop her off so she could drink!!! Which I was stupid enough to do!!!!! She came home at 5 am and turned that around, when I asked if she had a good time, it was ‘no, I was drinking to take my mind of us, I’m sooo stressed out.’ Then instantly off to sleep!
Sociopathic traits
Some of the most stand out traits for me were her eyes, when I was upset and talking with her she would ‘scan’ me, her eyes empty and wide, taking it all in, in a cold kind of way, hard to describe but very eerie. I have heard others comment on this also. The fake smile that at first I thought was beautiful, but now think of as a ‘Cheshire cat’ smile, all teeth but the eyes are not smiling. Even when crying the eyes DON’T ring true. The tears are streaming but the eyes look fake.
She is intelligent and sooo manipulative. She would ask me specifically what certain facial expressions I would make meant. Sounds mean, but it was like she was an alien trying to learn all she could about humans. I read about the eyes darting side to side when scamming, I noticed this too when she was pouring her heart and soul out to me! The baby speak she would do when referring to her Mum and Dad, pointing to them and saying ‘Mamma, Dadda’ in a truly infant like voice.
Her sense of entitlement was amazing; the world owed her everything. She had no empathy and couldn’t relate to my pain at losing my Dad. When I told her I felt sorry for my Mum, as several of her friends passed away in close succession recently, I was met by, ‘well that’s the age she is getting to.’ She is promiscuous, carrying a condom in her wallet despite being in a ‘relationship’ with me. The falling asleep almost instantly no matter how stressed I was from some of our interactions. The thrill seeker in her, bungy jumping, sky diving, drawn to high risk behaviour and occupation. The absolute control freak in her. The charm and sex appeal oozed from her and she had all the guys at work eating out of her hand. She is so preoccupied with money, and material things, clothes, jewelry, I watched her in shops, her face lit up as she ran around the store in an almost manic state. I joked to her she was like a magpie surrounded by shiny objects.
Getting out
My sister was my lifeline to sanity and talked me into getting out. I packed my bag one morning when she was out and left a note before taking off to another city. This was after one and a half weeks with her in Germany. I had to leave before the weekend as I was determined not to do all the moving and painting chores she had lined up for me. I tried to salvage the little shred of self respect I had left.
Now I am trying to kill time while staying sane before I can get to see my sister in another country and have some support. I feel like I am going crazy and in a sick way I miss my SP, she sent me one SMS when she found out I had left asking me to call, pretending she wanted to know I was safe, but I know the truth now, she never cared for me at all — only what I could do for her.
I still check my phone to see if she has called or messaged me. I can’t eat and have lost a lot of weight and have difficulty sleeping, I feel so unwell and alone and all that after a grand total of three and a half weeks of being in the same countries (with four months of long distance relationship in the middle). I can’t imagine what it would be like to marry or have children with a sociopath.
I guess on the plus side I am lucky to have found out when I did, but I am still hurting so badly 🙁 I have to find out how to undo the damage she has done to me. I now have five months before I am guaranteed my job back and have nowhere to live when I return home, and to think I wanted to sell my car and take two years off work all for a dream girl who never even really existed!!!
I really feel like my soul has been attacked by this person. I read the term emotional vampires and I think it quite apt. I will never be able to trust people the same way again, ever. I know that if I would have read my story before I met her, I would not have thought this could have happened to me. It is also easy to look back with hindsight, but when you are the target a sociopath, who basically morphs into your ideal mate, it is a very powerful and seductive process, watch out! I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy. I feel for all the others who have had their lives rocked by a sociopath. Interestingly, I don’t feel anger towards her, I truly now think she is ill but somehow it doesn’t help me. I want the woman I fell in love with back so badly but I know that is impossible.
Drained
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 5, 2011.
Dear Friend: Please do not take back your sociopathic partner
LL:
I’m also glad your biopsy came out fine!
Take it as a gift……and remember…..99.9% of all things we worry about never occur……
we should really spend that worry time on other things huh?
🙂
Hi all,
thanks to all the people who posted msgs of support, especially soon after my story was posted. I am surviving and feeling a bit better, but it is definately not a ‘steady’ improvement, I have good and bad times. It has been really theraputic to share my story and read others comments and stories. I think immediately after deciding my ex was a sociopath, I really wanted validation. I wanted to make a case and for someone to agree with me! Re reading my story there are things I left out or forgot which could strengthen the ‘case’ that she is a sociopath. At first I felt like adding them in…. and this and then theres that…. but as time is passing I am less focussed on her. Having said that I spent several days (literally) talking about her and all the things she did with my sister who listened to me (and was very patient), I was trying to convince her and myself this woman was a sociopath. Now I am less interested in that aspect. At the end of the day a ‘sociopath’ or ‘psychopath’ is a label and whether I could get a psychologist to agree that she meets the ‘criteria’ ultimately would not help me. At the very least it was an incredibly toxic and unhealthy relationship, however I still believe firmly she is a sociopath but trying to convince others is less important now and as time passes (so slowly) I am starting to focus more on myself and my issues.
It’s an old saying but so true, you can’t change others only how you act and react towards them. She completely mind fu*#ed me and feels no remorse, I know that for a fact. I can’t change that. She won’t change and I definately couldn’t change her. I need to understand how I got into the situation I did, and I am getting there slowly. I have issues of low self esteem, not wanting to be alone, being a people pleaser, not being able to say no to people, avoiding conflict by not standing up for myself when I should, and generally not wanting to rock the boat. I know these things and they contributed to me getting into the worst relationship of my life and suffering some of the worst pain I ever have had to endure. I am having to spend some time alone (in a foreign country but not Germany, I had to get out as everything was reminding me of her) and it has given me a lot of time to think…. I don’t want to be alone but it has helped me work through some of what has happened.
Tomorrow I am heading to holiday in another country where I have a friend to stay with as I am at the stage now I need company so am looking forward to that. I want to be busy and around GOOD people.
I am reaching the conclusion that this experience takes two specific types of people to really become a nightmare. It has opened my eyes that there are sociopaths out there, I will NOT make this mistake again, but they almost need a ‘victim’ who is at a weak time in their life for them to be able to ‘work their magic’ with maximum effect. I actually think I may be prone to addiction, my father was alcoholic and while I do not consider myself to be I think maybe I am addicted to the idea of being in love with the ‘perfect’ woman. I think that there is also an overlap with addictive personalities and obsessive ones. I know I can be obsessive and this is probably a more accurate discriptor than addicted. I have always longed to be be in a (loving) relationship with a ‘beautiful’ woman who loves me and it has been and still is high on my list of priorites in life, thinking this is what will make me happy. I still want to be in a relationship but I know I can not rush this, especially not at the moment! But I need to understand that being in a relationship, even with a genuine loving person cannot ‘fix’ my issues and MAKE me happy, I need to work through these issues and will be a better partner when I do get into another relationship for it.
I plan to see a psychologist when I return home and may need to do some more ‘digging’ to fully understand why what happened happened, there may be more pain to come but I do believe it is necessary to truly heal and move forward.
I am still struggling to fully let her go. It reads like I left her and in a way I did, but ultimately she ended the relationship and was just using me (she wanted a few more things out of me before I left her life, I just decided to leave on my terms slightly earlier). I guess I had the ‘upper hand’ when I left the way I did but like they say you can’t ‘win’ playing games with a sociopath. I don’t want to ‘win’ I want to feel better, continue to be loving and move on. I still can’t completely understand myself and how powerful the addiction/obsession with the person I thought she was is.
I am not proud to admit it but I have sought contact with her and still occasionally SMS her. I feel so weak when I do. She doesn’t really respond. I am not quite at the point of being able to maintain no contact and that bugs me. She was only occasionally contacting me, I am sure as she still thought there was a possibility of a free (but now shortened) holiday for her on the cards. Now I have told her I am off to Canada shortly to be with friend (shooting down any chance of a free holiday for her) I am sure I won’t hear from her any more as there is no payoff for her investment of the cost of an SMS message! I know she feels nothing towards me and that still hurts, although I hate to think what would have happened if it was in her best interests to continue to have me around…. I honestly don’t know I would be strong enough to get out, and the more time that would pass the stronger the bond would become I am sure.
Reading other peoples posts it is interesting the way they appear to care, it’s like they all were trained at the same place hahahaha. The odd SMS she would send would always include something to the effect of ‘how are you?’ or ‘are you ok?’, you want to believe that they care but unfortunately…. they don’t. She would remember things I would say though. A few nights after I left (after sending my letter to lovefraud) I called her, drunk (arggh so hard not to), she asked if I was sleeping ok and if I was eating properly (knowing that I didn’t when stressed), I told the truth and said not really, I wasn’t met with any genuine concern and as sad as it is I think she was happy deep down that she was still affecting me. I have to move on for my own sanity, I know that.
So to all of you I wish you happiness and most of all that you do not become too cynical and forget or lose the ability to truly love as that is what seperates us from them, we can love and that is what life is all about, loving and being loved, otherwise it really is just ‘dog eat dog’, a rat race and who wants to live like that! I know I don’t.
I know how important validation is, especially early on but it can be dangerous to cling to the ‘victim’ role too closely, if you have been in a relationship with a sociopath then you have been a victim of their cunning, lies and manipulation but a victim is not ‘who you are’ and who you have to be for the rest of your life. I want to be happy and at some point, when you are strong enough you do have to take an honest look at your own issues and work through them if you really want to be happy and ‘at peace’ I guess.
I don’t know, I definately don’t have all the answers, I am still very up and down and all over the place but am grateful to the posts/support/opinons of others on here.
Best wishes to all.
Hi drained –
Not sure when you landed – I missed your whole story, except what I just read posted immediately above me. I have been unwell on and off these past few weeks and so quite a lot has slipped by me.
I am happy for you that you came here and posted and then found the strength to end the toxic relationship you were obviously in. Such a difficult thing to do, so well done to you and my best wishes for the peaceful and fulfilling life you seek.
One thing I did want to comment on – having myself married two spaths, nine years apart.
Be very careful about (a) thinking you will never fall for a spath’s tricks again; and (b) thinking that they only target weakness.
My first encounter with a spath (1995) certainly did occur at an especially vulnerable time in my life, when I was raw and fragile and low in self-esteem. He definitely targeted my weakness at the time. This first encounter perfectly fits the usual, generic profile of such a coupling.
I had no knowledge at that time about the nature of spaths or their prevalence – in fact, it’s really only in the past three years that I have learned what I wish I had known back them; in particular that knowledge has been refined and enlarged upon over the past six months that I have been reading on this blog and the past four months that I have been posting on it.
Nevertheless, within months of the marriage ending (he left me, taking all of our money and leaving me too sick to work and too broke to pay the bills), I had determined for myself that he had been a “con-man”. He stalked me by telephone and mail (no cell phone or internet back then) for about two years afterward. With what I now know, I am able to look back and state with some confidence that he did in fact fit the profile of a spath.
Fast forward five years…2000. I was in a great position. Good job, recovered from spath 1, good health, no debts, own car, own houseful of furniture and effects, renting a lovely home in a niche area, good friends and saving up to buy my own home. I had just voluntarily left a less than satisfactory relationship with a nice enough man who sadly turned out to be an alcoholic who refused to get help for his addiction. I was not looking for another man. Although that breakup had been sad, I was not sitting around crying over it, but was moving on with my life, enjoying myself.
Enter spath 2 (the Superspath). I was not initially interested in him but he wore me down with his persistance and his flattery and his pity stories and then charmed his way into my life, my heart and my home (then my finances, my social circle and my other interests…)
I was in A GOOD PLACE when he happened along.
I LIKED myself.
I had forgiven myself for past mistakes.
I liked my life.
I felt positive and was excitedly looking forward to new possibilities.
I had no need for him or any other man.
I was not lonely, destitute or feeling unloved or unworthy.
All I’m saying is, just be careful. It IS possible to be conned again, even if you think you know what they look like (although, admittedly, having been here and learned what I have learned, I think it WAY LESS LIKELY to happen to me again) and YOU DON’T necessarily have to be down and out when it happens.
Just saying….
I wasn’t the second time.
Hi Aussiegirl,
thanks for your comments, yeah i guess that’s another good saying ‘never say never’! Guess I was trying to convince myself that I am not going to repeat the same mistakes but shouldn’t say it could never happen again (but that’s not a nice thought at the moment!!!) I take on board what you say about not absolutely needing to be down and out when they come into your life, but I guess it makes the whole process so much quicker and easier for them and in analysing my own experience it was definately the case. Not to say a happy person in a good space could not become the victim of a sociopath but they would probably have better defences and not be AS susceptable to their ‘charms’ and fake flattery.
I had to chuckle the other day, I remembered e-mailing mine telling her how amazing she was and I was worried I would wake up and she would all be a dream….. turned out she was!
By the way the background to my situation is the story at the start of this thread.
Hope your health picks up soon!
I think we need to be emotionally aware and strong, as well as WISE. BOUNDARIES….not allowing anyone to appeal to your emotions. Using our HEADS and not our hearts. THINKING about every move you make in life…and taking time before making choices.
Everytime I let a “toxic” person in my life, it was because I was alone for awhile and I was accepting less than the BEST treatment…just to have the company.
When you are ok with being alone…and you are taking care of yourself…eating right, exercising, and feeding your mind and soul with positive things..hobbies, reading…you don’t have to settle for anything but the best treatment from people.
There are certain “rules” in life…such as not trusting people too soon, not giving too much when you first meet people…and expecting respect and not settling for less.
Most of my friends who have good spouses/relationships, have done these things. Being confident and strong and not too giving….weeds out the takers from your life.
Anyway, these are the things I had to learn the hard way…but I am wiser now.
Another thing…if you jump into “intimacy” before you really really know someone well…you are taking a big risk.
If you are strong enough, and accept that they might just want sex and are willing to accept sex without love, then go for it! But, if you choose to be intimate with someone too early, it NEVER guarantees love and commitment. So, we need to be careful with giving our bodies and souls to someone we don’t know well. WE might feel “love” and care about them, but they might just want to feel physical satisfaction.
So….be careful.
tobehappy,
very true about taking things too quick. I guess my mistake in my experience was thinking that it was ‘special/unique/my one in a million’ and happened because of how we felt about each other, we had found each other and were meant to be, it was fate, just like in the movies… That was the thinking (or lack thereof) on my part that suppressed the logic which said ‘too much too soon’. Combined with the fact she was leaving the country shortly which accelerated things. I have learnt the sad reality that if someone is prepared to get into bed with you on the first date it’s probably not the first time they have done that (so therefore not as special as you maybe thought). Not to get all judgemental, and like you say if you are both upfront and happy with the arrangement, whatever it is, then obviously thats all good, as long as both people are on the same page.
The hurt comes when you find out the person purported to be someone that they are not, pretended to care deeply for you, encouraged you to fall in love with them, by pretending to be someone that they are not, with similar values, beliefs, interests to your own, to be caring and genuine, and you fall in love so hard as a result with a person that doesn’t exist.
Thats part of the hurt I carry inside, when I know my friends are thinking, well it was a fling, didn’t work out, get over it…. What’s wrong with this guy? I was conned into thinking it was something so much more and that relationship, the connection she pretended we had was so very important to me while all the time it meant nothing to her.
I am rambling…. I am trying to be positive and see the light at the end of the tunnel but now I am feeling miserable again. It’s like ‘why did you do this to me!!!!! Can’t you see how cruel it was, to give me everything I was looking for, so much hope and promise of a future together with a wonderful person just to rip it out from under my feet, then you can’t even chase it or get it back because it was all fake and never even existed! And they just don’t even care, not for one second!!!!! On to the next source of excitement/money/affection, never turning back to the destruction they cause….. I feel so all over the place, I can’t believe I let someone have soooo much control over my life so quickly and that it is going to take so long to get it back!
:~(
Don’t beat yourself up so much. It happens to the best of us.
Everyone I know, at some point, has been conned and lied to. We try to think the world is full of honest, decent people, but if it was, we would have world peace. Its obvious that this is not the truth.
I have 3 daughters who I am teaching (by example too lol) that you NEVER trust unconditionally. EVER! And, I teach them that words mean nothing. ACTION is everything.
And, that there are con artist all over the place. Look at all of the people that get ripped off money…Bernie Madoff…
There are theives and liars everywhere…and its survival of the fittist out there.
I am teaching my girls the skills that our parents forgot to teach US. These are essential skills to survive out in that big bad world.
I try not to be too negative, but all through time there are wars and scandals…and its never going to change. There will always be people who need power and control and will do anything to get it. I tell my girls stories about people on the jobs I’ve had, who backstabbed me….so that they don’t ever have to go through what I did …because noone warned me about wolves in sheep clothing. I have to prepare them for battles in life….because there is always someone out there trying to stab you in the back. Even siblings do this in families.
So, we need to prepare our future generation. Satan roams the earth. There must be evil to have good. Everything negative in life is a lesson. We learn and move on…and know better next time.
I’ve made mistakes….I’ve been hurt many times….but I always pick myself up and move on…We have to. Life is a journey…its short and fast….and we cannot dwell on past mistakes….we just need to set new goals and keep on truckin.
I refuse to let anything beat me down. As long as I have my health…and I’m grateful that I do…(many people on sitting on chemo machines as I sit here…)..I am going to make the BEST life I can. I can’t unring the bell. So, we need to look FORWARD>
I set goals to lose weight….eat better…exercise…do things to treat myself good. I’ve lost weight and look and feel better than ever. I can wear nice sexy clothes and I am taking care of ME now. The next man who gets me will have to be up to par…my standards are now higher than ever!
I love ME and I’m going to take care of ME the best I can.
Its sink or swim…and I’m staying afloat. NOT going to let one human being bring me down in life. There are too many other nice people out in the world. Thats my attitude. ME ME ME
With all the goodwill I can muster, Drained, you saw warning signs.
And it is not clear from your story that she encouraged you. In fact, you say that she pretty much did not encourage you.
But, your train was rolling and you went anyway.
I have found the work of Eckhardt Tolle to be very helpful.
You have had a very raw learning experience. I think a lot of us here can relate to the feeling you experience.
The part where you let go and realize how lucky you are to be out of the cruel relationship, its the good part….
Dear Drained,
I agree with what silvermoon wrote above (at least that is what I am “hearing’ in your posts, I am also “hearing” that you have some INTELLECTUAL GRASP of some of the healing things you need to work on, but a lot of it sounds to me like the guy “whistling as he walks through the graveyard in the middle of the night” trying to pretend to himself that he doesn’t believe in ghosts.
Know why I am “hearing” that in your posts? Because I’ve “whistled my way through the graveyards of my life” for most of my life!
You are right, breaking NC makes you feel like “carp” and you know that intellectually, but you do it any way—-you are NOT HELPLESS.
I quit smoking over a year ago (actually I’m not sure when I quit CRS!) but I had “tried to quit’ many times before. I INTELLECTUALLY knew I needed to for my own health (I’m a retired medical professional) but I “tried to quit” KNOWING in the back of my mind that I would l “fail” and go back to smoking. I would “cheat” once or twice bumming a cigarette off someone else, telling myself “ah, one won’t hurt,” then before you knew it I was back to buying a pack and saying “ah, screw it, I’m gonna smoke.”
This time when I decided to QUIT, not “try to quit” but to ACTUALLY QUIT I did it. I got some of those nicotine tabs to help wean me off the physical craving for nicotine, but I knew I would NOT FAIL this time, because I genuinely made up my mind to DO IT, rather than “try to do it.”
I think healing is the same way, NC is the same way. I still get the urge once in a while to pick up a cigarette. I don’t tell my friends or my son’s friends “don’t smoke around me.” Because I know it is not up to them to keep me from smoking and there are other people who are going on with their lives and it is up to ME to keep me from smoking. It has been somewhat over a year since I quit, but recently I did have an urge when I saw a pack where my son’s friends had laid it down and I was ALONE with the pack. I even touched the pack, and wanted to pick one up so badly, and the thought even went through my head “no one will know”—but I countered it with “I WILL KNOW.” I didn’t give in to the temptation.
I can see that a lot of my feelings and temptations about things I did (like break no contact) are sort of like the quitting smoking. It is a matter of making up my mind and DOING it rather than trying to do it. Also, there may always be “temptations” to give in to an activity I know is not healthy…weather it is eating too much, breaking contact, putting up with someone being hateful to me and then me trying to “keep- the peace.”
I did see “warning signs” in the man I dated in my vulnerable state after my husband died, but I ignored them.
I did see “warning signs” in almost all of the relationships I had with “toxic” people (psychopathic or not) and I did allow people to use and abuse me MORE THAN ONCE. So there was a great deal of things that I did that contributed to my own abuse and my own pain. Taking the INTELLECTUAL KNOWLEDGE I had and transforming how I react and how I feel and think, that’s been a bit harder, but I’m getting there. I think you are well on the way. The intellectual knowledge of what you need to do is there, it is just now a matter of putting it into practice. YOU CAN DO IT.