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By | January 14, 2010 267 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was dismissed with a shrug

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call “Trista.”

I met the man who has been my husband for 30 years in a language school. He was serious, but could be funny, a bit shy, but also had a way with words. He had beautiful eyes and lots of girls were in love with him. I was no exception, but it was me he chose to go out with.

The relationship soon took off and we were a pair. Those first days were good; I had no idea I was dealing with a sociopath. When I took him to meet my mother, however, when things were very serious between us, she said that she thought he needed some “help.” I dismissed it.

I did realize how quickly he took offense for the least of things, and how quick he was to respond with offensive words to other people. Soon after we married I started to see more and more of his temper, that other people called a “short fuse,” but it was still directed to others, not to me. My time would come.

Controlling the money

My S was very controlling with money, getting angry even if I bought him a present that he thought cost more than I could spend. He continued to control me through money for all those 30 years, never allowing me to go to the supermarket on my own, not giving me money to any expense, and having screaming fits if I did anything like taking the initiative of paying for a small cheap portrait of our infant daughter. My friends and family thought him “odd,” and because I was so afraid that some people would do or say the wrong thing near him and trigger a terrible scene, I started avoiding most of my friends. We lived on our own with our two small kids, and provided that I would not ask for money or invite people who could get him in a mood, life was sort of ok.

Church was another problem. As a Christian, I was used to church life and he was brought up in a Christian environment as well. However, we could not be in any church together. Something would happen, something the preacher said or that other people said would trigger his horrendous fits of rage. I used to be terrified in church, paying attention to where the sermon would lead in case it would touch some subject that he would find offensive. I remember real terror while in church, till the last time he stormed out of the building and verbally attacked the pastor at the door. I never went to church with him again, but I also could not go alone, in case he thought I did not think him fit to go to church. This would cause even more problems. In the end I gave up church altogether, but not my Christian faith.

Holidays on his own

In the middle of the 90’s he started going on holidays on his own, to countries in Europe. I was never invited, not thought of, as I stayed behind to look after the house and teenagers. I don’t believe that he had one minute of doubt about the propriety of a married man in his 50’s going to holidays alone every year. I decided not to say anything.

I was still very scared of confronting him about anything; his rages were severe and I was scared because his eyes would change to look like glass when he was angry. He would scream not to touch him, to get away from him and his eyes would go big and glazed. Once when he was driving, somehow something we said got him in one of his tempers and he drove with fury near getting on the pavement, and barely missing a lady and a child. My daughter was in the car with me and we both thought we would die as well. He had no control over himself. A bit later on he started breaking things, like the Christmas tree, ornaments, and also pushed me against a table, I bruised my ribs and had to go to the hospital next day.

He got a job as a teacher in a University. He can somehow give a good interview and charm others, he is intelligent and cultured. Later on, when they see the problems, it is usually too late. His boss has already commented on his “glazed eyes.”

In love with Poland

As part of this job, he got a trip to Poland. When he came back, he was a man completely taken by the Polish life and people, in such a way that I can only describe as sick. My house immediately became full of Polish ornaments, his friends became only Polish people, he became obsessed by them, in the same way he became obsessed in the past by other cultures like the South Americans, the Russians, the Orientals. He had “phases” when he only talked and walked around people of those cultures, now it was the Polish. I knew it well, but could not foresee a new developement: He “fell in love” with a Polish ”¦ boy.

I was away for some weeks visiting my family and when I came back there was something different about him. He had bought a mobile phone, was using it every minute, and hiding in the garden to talk. I also got an email he passed to this boy and it was a complete sop, an email a man writes to his girl. I got the phone number of the boy, went to talk to him, who was only 20 (my S is 57) and did not know about the situation; he had a girlfriend! It was in my S ‘s mind; he interpreted friendship for another thing. This boy was his former student.

The S in my life even said after being discovered that he needed the excitement and when I pointed out the absurdity of a 57 married man who is a grandfather chasing a 20 year old boy who is younger than his son or nephews, he simply said “he had no one for him,” meaning, “I did not have to account for my actions to his family, since he has none.” He continued to behave in the most shameless manner, telling our friends that he was in love with a boy and alienating our friends even further, telling his family that both him and my son had Polish people in their lives (because my son had had a Polish girlfriend). He even asked me why I thought that I was God’s will for him and not that boy. I was speechless.

Mask slipped

From them on I argued with him for two years about the impropriety of such things, the absurdity of it, but he denies having done anything. When I talked to the boy I was made aware that he had invited him for a weekend trip and I got it just in time. He tried to blame me for his actions and denies having done me any harm or the children. However, our family is in tatters and I have filed for divorce with the support of my children. I have seen a counselor, who also saw him and he told me to leave him and that he has been cheating on me all my life. This boy was not the first one, but now the mask has slipped. Interesting enough, other people have used that term to refer to him, my friend said she always saw him as having a mask; my brother said that “his plug fell.”

At the moment he is still denying the boy was more than friendship, even after the fact that he took our wedding ring off and told me he was not married to me, didn’t want me, didn’t love me, and cried like a baby for this boy. I have all the evidence; he still denies it and makes me feel I’m somehow to blame. For two years I went nearly crazy because of his faulty logic, his coldness, his shameless deeds. He still denies that he has done wrong.

He has no remorse, no thought of me or the children about it all; he considers himself a good Christian who goes to church every Sunday but never learns anything. He said that when he did it (about the boy) I never entered his mind.

I’m now nearly divorced and have nothing else to do with him. He is still involved with the Polish, and is dressing up as a 20 year old himself, walking with groups of young people. My son is ashamed of him and my daughter says she hardly knows him. He couldn’t care less for me, his wife of 30 years. I was dismissed with a shrug.


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to innocent to know

I’m so sorry for the things you went through, Trista. I have found with the one I was with, they have no shame or regret. We are just objects to them, nothing more, something to get them from one point in their life to the next. All about them. They do not care about the pain or hurt they cause, just oblivious to it. What I found with mine, his family just looks the other way and does not hold him accountable for his actions. A 54 year old man, living with his parents, no money, no job telling everyone he’s retired with no income or savings. There’s just something wrong with their brains!

to innocent to know

Hugs to you, it does get better with them out of our lives!!!!

neveragain

Congratulations on the tremendous strength you have shown through all this. You are a remarkable woman! I hope your life just gets more wonderful by the minute now!!!

pollyannanomore

Trista your description of the rages and quiet anger simmering that made you drop your interests and outings brought back so many memories for me. I who had once been highly social lost all my friends and had no outside person who could see how crazy the relationship was getting. The man I was involved with also denied all responsibility for everything and tried to pretend that nothing bad had ever happened. I am so sorry you suffered for so long. It is good the c hildren can see his behaviour clearly … many on this site have children who can’t see what the other parent is doing.

I hope you are managing to rebuild – it is hard when we realise what we are dealing with. Life is so much better without them in it – gradually we stop putting our automatic barriers on activities and outings. You must have had incredible strength to have survived all those years with him – I hope that strength is now directed at just you 🙂 Hugs/

ErinBrock

Gem:
This situation you describe is something I beleive happens over time……with time we uncover many many things/behaviors we were not aware of.
I think we must expect this.
WE must remember that this WHO they are to the core…..and NOT only directed towards us…..but all of humanity…..boss’s, sisters, teachers, neighbors, children, parents etc……there is NOT a person on earth immune to the cons.

Once a lier always a lier!
A duck is ALWAYS a duck….not just when it’s swimming, and NOT just when it’s quacking.

Gem…..I said to you before….I’m concerned with your request for your daughter…..an appology….that’s all you want.
I want you to ask yourself…..for the long term……what IF you get one……then what…..will this open you up to the abuse again? Will you let her ‘back in’?

For me, all the things that have unearthed after we separated…..has only confirmed to me just what a scumbag, mansucking, fake I was married to…..
ANd I don’t give a damn if he crawled back with all the tea in china AND the moon…..with all the right ‘words’……
I’d kick him in the teeth and put my ped egg shavings in his pasta and send him packing as quick as he appeared.

I’m sorry your finding these things out….and it probably adds clarity for some questions you have……but continue to protect yourself and remain strong my dear!

XXOO
EB

Twice Betrayed

I guess it will never cease to amaze me how alike these P males are! My PX= Fits, rage, being deserted, almost killed by reckless driving, abandoned on vacations, church, children, right down to the crush on a young boy– running with young people and dressing like a teen. And….cried like a baby over the young boy!

ErinBrock

Trista:
You are worth much more than a shrug.
Welcome to LF and thank you for sharing your story.
It is amazing how calaous they are and how much denial and blame they cast.
How on earth can he not look crazy????
You are much better off with him gone….I hope you get all you need in the divorce and are able to wisk past this mess of a person.
Please keep in mind…..DO NOT EVER OWN HIS BEHAVIORS!
Your a strong woman, remain strong and empowered and keep educating yourself on what you have been living.
GOod luck to you and much love.
XXOO
EB

Renewedhope

Twice Betrayed. Be so thankful that you weren’t betrayed THREE TIMES as I was over a span of 27 years to the same crazy woman . You learned the hard lesson alot sooner than I did. Neither of us paid attention to the red flags that kept popping up before our eyes. And like most honest people with a good soul we all thought:I can change them or They will change over time. It’s only after doing your homework and research that you see their traits for what they are sociopath permanent ones..that will never get better. I have cut off ties with my S woman for three weeks now and I have a gut feeling I haven’t heard the last from her. Not when she knows about when my father’s estate will clear probate.(She has a ballpark time frame). I had promised her about $2,500 worth of money and items she “suggested” she needed. She never really came out and asked me cause she didn’t have to. Like a fool I volunteered it. I would have still given it too her too had she not had her “Bored” spell and given up on me while waiting for my ship to come in. She went off on me on the phone and I told her off and then told her in an email that I never wanted to hear from her again. I haven’t either for 3 weeks. I told my story to Donna and she believes she will return about the time the estate clears. I will be waiting for her this time with a resounding “NO!”
So my words to you are also for me Twice Betrayed: Be STRONG within Yourself! Do not cave to these cheats and liars!

Twice Betrayed

Dear Renewed: Well, actually twice betrayed does not refer to being betrayed twice by the same man….nor does it refer to being married to 2 P males…which I have done all of the above. Actually: Twice Betrayed refers to my last X husband having had an affair with my older daughter [not by him] off/on for many years of our marriage-which i found out towards the end of the marriage along with MANY other things……….sigh.

Thanks for your very kind words of encouragement! I am long gone and along the road of healing pretty well.

I wish you well and you have certainly come to the right place!

Twice Betrayed

PS> Renewed: I was married to this one for 28 years. [had one before that that I had two kids by that I raised alone–he took a powder].

Renewedhope

I am sorry about the misunderstanding. But always know that we understand here. We can all say-“Been There & Done That! 🙂

breached1957

This is so disturbing on so many levels, a complete wipeout! This just leaves me speechless. I can only pray your life will become whole again in time and you will be able to trust when the right people come into your life. God Bless!! Breach

Twice Betrayed

Renewed: You are just so correct! That’s what is so great about this place. You know, I just don’t know if people that have not dealt with these types of people can really understand.

Ox Drover

Dear Gem,

I am only checking in periodically, so only tonight read your message about finding out your daughter is a thief as well as a liar. I am sure it is stunning to find out that she not only steals from YOU but others as well. Now think about it—why is it more OK to steal from you than from others? Or vice versa? The thing is, Gem if they will steal from others they will steal from you, and the same in reverse, if they will steal from their mother, they would steal from ANYONE. So it really should NOT be “surprising” should it ? My dear, they are “equal opportunity” thieves and liars and will lie to or steal from anyone. She should have been prosecuted in my opinion just as my P son should have been put in jail (and I called the cops on some of his thefts–would have on the others if I had known) but STILL it hurts us to find out more and more “dirty nasty” things about the children we loved. Gem she is NOT the little girl you loved, she is an adult woman who is a STRANGER to you. She is totally uncaring about you and you are just another “mark” and “patsy” for her cons. It hurts though, but we will get through it.

Right now I just feel over whelmed and am doing things for myself and visiting my friend, but I know I am “not okay” but I don’t know where to turn…Style referenced tonight a comment I made over a year and a half ago, it sounded so up beat and so strong, but right now I don’t feel so upbeat or so strong, I feel only pain, confusion and sorrow and I don’t know how to get out of the hole I am in.

I hurt so badly that my son C has lied to me, disrespected to me, and I know I don’t have control over HIM, but right now I don’t feel I have control over me either.

I know all the things to DO, all the things I should consider, all the things I should think, and somehow I right this minute I feel like I am helpless. Hopeless. Like there is no more use in getting up because someone else will just kick me down. I have to get over this freaking PITY PARTY and get on with the JOB I have to do.

pollyannanomore

Oxy – Sorry you are feeling like this. Can I come to your Pity Party = I really need to join in! I feel gutted and embarrassed and humiliated and used and fed up. I don’t see an end in sight. Well it damn well is personal to me. And I have to remain silent and take the upper road while they get to laugh at me and do whatever they like to hurt and cut off options for me in terms of activities and groups. I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO want to expose him. I want to ruin his life they way he ruined mine. I want to torture him and make him frightened. Sigh – hope I feel better in the morning. I really am not feeling like work at the moment. Hugs to you Oxy – this sucks. You can join my pity party if you like … I have punch and lots of snacks 😛

eileen

Hi Polly, I know the feeling…sometimes I wish I could write more, but as part of exposing my S I have spread the word about this site, and now it could go back to him. Our experiences are so similar. Maybe you should feel sorry for that girl instead of hating her…it sounds like she has very little going for her already and on top of that she now got herself a sociopath!! That’s tough luck! If she’s young and naive it’s going to be so much harder for her to figure out what happened to her and to recover from it. I know my S had a pattern of dating girls like that…I’m not like that, you’re not either – like other people on this blog we were challenges to them, and probably the “best” targets they ever managed to con. Trophy girlfriends as opposed to pitiful doormats they had to hide from their acquaintances because doormats are good for their egos but not for their public image. And they learnt their lesson, and they’re back dating the usual easy preys, who are unlikely to find them out, or to do anything against them. They’re not going to risk burning their wings again. They hate women, and people in general, that’s a given, but their only option now is to date people they not only hate but also despise.
No matter what you do to ruin his life, you are never going to manage to ruin it as much as he ruins it himself. Actually he is already a ruin – and has always been…a human ruin!

miss k

Hi, I was involved and married to a sociopath. He beat me and then started having an affair with a woman I befriended at the domestic violence shelter. I tried to give him extra chances because we had a child together. I have two older children and I felt as though I didnt try hard enough with their father. It has been 11 years of pure hell. I didnt know he was sleeping with a person I tried to help all these years. She gave him a disease and when I got it from him he left me for her because she does drugs and I dont. They talked about me laughed, about me, (she is a sociopath also), plotted against me and tried to hurt our son. I have had 5 restraining orders yet he keeps coming back every time he wants to argue. He treats me as though I am the problem and as if I have no right to be mad. They even sent an older child to bother my son on his church bus. My son cant even worship in peace. When does it END???? DO THEY EVER GET WHAT THEY DESERVE OR ARE THEY ALLOWED TO KEEP ON RUINING PEOPLES LIVES AND LAUGH ABOUT IT????

miss k

Oops, sorry, I didnt realize that would post like that. Let me fix it please.Hi, I was involved and married to a sociopath.
He beat me and then started having an affair with a woman I befriended at the domestic violence shelter.
I tried to give him extra chances because we had a child together.
I have two older children and I felt as though I didnt try hard enough with their father.
It has been 11 years of pure hell.
I didnt know he was sleeping with a person I tried to help all these years.
She gave him a disease and when I got it from him he left me for her because she does drugs and I dont.
They talked about me, laughed about me, (she is a sociopath also), plotted against me and tried to hurt our son.
I have had 5 restraining orders yet he keeps coming back every time he wants to argue.
He treats me as though I am the problem and as if I have no right to be mad. They even sent an older child to bother my son on his church bus.
My son cant even worship in peace.
When does it END???? (the police will do nothing)
DO THEY EVER GET WHAT THEY DESERVE?
OR ARE THEY ALLOWED TO KEEP ON RUINING PEOPLES LIVES AND LAUGH ABOUT IT????

miss k

Here are the warining signs: I was not aware people like him
even existed.
Here is a list of ways to identify a sociopath. This list is from “Profile of a Sociopath”. It is a pretty good list of sociopathic indicators:
· Glibness/Superficial Charm
· Manipulative and Conning
· Grandiose Sense of Self
· Pathological Lying
· Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
· Shallow Emotions
· Incapacity for Love
· Need for Stimulation
· Callousness/Lack of Empathy
· Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
· Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
· Irresponsibility/Unreliability
· Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
· Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
· Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
· Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
· Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
· Authoritarian
· Secretive
· Paranoid
· Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
· Conventional appearance
· Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
· Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life
· Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
· Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
· Incapable of real human attachment to another
· Unable to feel remorse or guilt
· Narcissism, grandiosity (self-importance not based on achievements)
· May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

miss k

Do they get what they deserve in the end or are they allowed to keep laughing, plotting against people, and ruining lives with no guilt?

ErinBrock

MissK:
Allowed??? Since they ‘make’ up their own rules….they are allowed to do anything on earth. They don’t ask permission.
Now…the question is….will we be able to identify it and switch it up on em…..become stronger and ‘counter control’ them. Throw the fire back at em…..”covertly’.
Don’t go outwardly ‘head to head’ with em…..but you can still achieve the same results but with no ‘outward’ glory……just hit em silently and spin their heads….
This is the ‘snake under rock’ analogy. Strike when they least expect…..and plant the seeds along the way.
Keep on reading and learning…You’ll find an immense amount of information here…..
It reads as if you have been doing your research……
DOn’t get discouraged, remain strong and remember WHO you are!!!
WElcome to LF!
EB

teacher123

miss k
They will do this as long they breathe because that is who they are. Will it ever catch up with them? I think so. Beauty fades, but what is in your heart stays the same. If you go around despitefully using people and mocking doing good; you may succeed for awhile, but it will come back to haunt you like the ghost of Christmas past one day. Some people have to plot evil against others because they aren’t happy with living a normal honest life themselves. Keep fighting them at every turn; tooth and nail; things will get better.

miss k

Dear Teacher and Erin, thank you. I keep my head up. I do seem to
defend myself at every turn, and it is VERY tiring, but why is it that good, kind, people have these sorrows and they seem to just go on with no feelings
I still dont really understand. What kind of person gets joy from
causing suffering then blames the victim? Why does he seem so happy yet I was the one doing the right thing and am so “trampled”
and how can they do the things they do? I dont feel the strength to pick myself up any more. I have identified his problem but still I dont understand and I am thankful I dont understand.
But I feel so doomed now. How can I be happy now the way he left my life so shattered? Thanks for the warm welcome though. I really appreciate it.

miss k

I have turned Very Bitter.

ErinBrock

Miss K:
Like I said….make YOU about YOU now.
Leave him behind, you will NEVER understand what picture he paints…..because it’s an ever changing landscape.
I highly suggest you read all the articles you can here. Also read comments. But start with the articles.
YOU MUST REMAIN STRONG!!
You will figure out the ‘recipe’ to healing….it’s a process, a grieving process and a long one…..so buckle up girl.
Anger is what catapulted me into action….it’s another stage of grief.
There are days where i didn’t want to get out of bed…..but we find a way.
The more you know…..the more you will be able to put the puzzle together.
So keep on reading and focus on YOU.

pollyannanomore

Miss K I am struggling with the same issues you are – do they ever get their just desserts? It is very unfair – I keep hoping karma will catch up with him and what goes around comes around but I don;t seem to be seeing it at all. People I bang into that used to be mutual friends now cannot make eye contact with me and as I am empathic I pick up easily on their embarrassment.

I don;t know what the answer is – try to rebuild your own life as much as possible – to fall apart would just give them more satisfaction. And try to remind yourself that soon his new woman will be suffering the same as you did – they can never change – only we can.

lightsaber

miss k

I’ve been where you are very recently and if there is one thing I can tell you that did me the world of good (like a life preserver to a drowning person) it is getting SUPPORT.

Lovefraud has been an immeasurable support to me in my healing process and understanding, but going out and getting REAL LIFE SUPPORT from the community is essential.

I’m sorry you were additionally betrayed by someone you befriended at a place that should have been safe. There are people out there that are trustworthy and WANT to help you and have the RESOURCES and SKILLS to help you.

All of us need help sometimes. You are tired and have been broken down. One things sociopaths do is isolate us from support systems and betray any support we might get. You want to get OUT of this horrendous situation. The best thing I did for myself was go to a social service organization for abused women.

TELL THEM YOUR STORY.

TELL THEM EVERYTHING.

TELL THEM YOU WANT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER AND GET AWAY FROM THIS BAD MAN FOREVER.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN NEEDING HELP AND BEING ABUSED.

DO THIS FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR KIDS.

There ARE good people out there and they understand that you can’t do this alone when you’ve been abused.

It’s ok to be bitter.

It’s ok to be angry.

It’s ok to be scared.

It’s ok to speak the truth and ask for help.

Much love,

icansee

one/joy_step_at_a_time

miss k,
You sound like you are in shock – that high anxiety spinning state, that I know so well. It’s okay. it will get better. I have. you will.

I am going to respond to your last post:

but why is it that good, kind, people have these sorrows and they seem to just go on with no feelings
I still dont really understand.
———-because truly, life is not fair and sociopaths don’t have much in the feeling realm

What kind of person gets joy from causing suffering then blames the victim?
——————–a sociopath.

Why does he seem so happy yet I was the one doing the right thing and am so “trampled”and how can they do the things they do?
——————-he only ‘seems’ happy. not much in the feeling department in sociopaths. and they do what they do BECAUSE that’s what sociopaths do. it’s not complicated. they lie and fake like we breath. seriously.

I dont feel the strength to pick myself up any more.

—————come here and read and post.

I have identified his problem but still I dont understand and I am thankful I dont understand.

——————me too.

But I feel so doomed now.

—————i felt that way too. it’s going away bit by bit.

How can I be happy now the way he left my life so shattered?
—————again, he doesn’t ‘feel’ much of anything in an ordinary range that we would intrinsically understand from our own emotional terrain. that’s the long answer. the short answer is: he’s a spath.

it’s no longer about him. you now have to take care of you, and your son. build within yourself.

best wishes,
one step

pollyannanomore

Two awesome posts Ican and one step – great advice and I am able to take something from them too … it is such a hard concept to wrap both our heads and hearts around isn’t it? That they have a fundamental problem and it became our problem but it was unfixable no matter what we tried. I understand it intellectually now but my heart still doesn’t understand it and probably never will. It just wants to know why it is breaking and the answer – because you were just an object is just too much to bear.
It sucks 🙁

one/joy_step_at_a_time

polly – gotcha.

i am mostly writing form the head space – too overhwelmed with obligations for a couple more days – then i will go down into heart more.

i know a lama who says: practise is like putting the mask of the budhaon time and agian, until we can no longer take it off, and it is us. in this light i am answering all questions about the spaths aberent behaviour with – cause she’s a spath. this will give me something to tether too when i feel the answer, ‘ because I was an object.’ IS SO HAS TO BE ABOUT HER. The aberrent behaviour is NOT about me. Why and how I was tageted IS about me – but not that i WAS. That’s ALL on the spath. (insert unspoken profanity and vengence scenes here)

hmmm, think i just figured something out. not sure what. lol. but i am trying to analyze my motivations for alllllll the things i am planning to do to ruin her current scam.

okay – back to work….again…this application is ALMOST done.

best
one step

miss k

Erin, once again thank you.I will read all the articles and info I can here. And I appreciate all the comments.It is hard to be strong when I have been so weakened but I am trying.I am very very angry too. And I really still dont understand how he thinks he has a right to be angrier as if I ever did anything wrong when I havent. Thank you for the support.

pollyannanomore

Go one step! You’re like the little engine that could with that work 🙂

That is a very effective ‘self response’ ‘because he / she is a spath’ – you know when those ‘why? why? why?’ questions pop up in our heads – that works one step – it’s simple and it’s good 🙂

Sounds like you have something delightful brewing there – just be careful!!! No more one step hurts.

Unfortunately I can’t do anything about mine. There;s not a thing I can do at this stage except vent here.

pollyannanomore

Miss K – they project everything onto us – blame is the name of the game. They will never accept responsibility for the wrongs they committed – that’s why there is no closure for us. We can handle if someone hurts us accidentally and then apologises, makes sincere ammends and promises to never ever do it again. But with these disordered folk – they deny any wrong took place and make us take responsibility for our own hurt feelings = WTF??? It’s a mind bender and so unfair.

Vent all you need to – let the anger come out and find some outlet but don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how bad he has hurt you. Anger is a good sign – it means you are processing and starting the journey of healing. It’s ok to be angry – what they do is very very very wrong. And they just don’t care. But also try to remind yourself that what you see as ‘happiness’ on the surface with him is fake – he has no happiness and no sadness – he has no realm of emotions as normal people do. You are the healthy person and what you are going through is a normal response to an abnormal situation.

ErinBrock

This is the benefit of No Contact. Complet NC.
It takes you away from him……emotionally creates a distance and allows you the time to get ‘grounded’ again….then on to the healing.
When a S says….”You made me hit you”…..how would you interpret that?
WHAT are you kidding me? What I raised your hands and forced them into my face???
See none of that makes sense…..so DON”T try….it’s part of the gaslighting and crazymaking behaviors. They want you to be off balance….this is where they gain control over you….so don’t buy into it….first off.
It’s quite an overwhelming journey…..give it time….lot’s of time…..life has a way of teaching us lessons we need to learn….if we rush through then we don’t catch em…..and you’d better be sure life will throw them your way again….
this is a very good reason to take your time and ensure you will not go through this again.
Connect with Miss K….get to know YOU….anger, tears, fear and all……IT”S OKAY!!!
There will be a lot you won’t understand, some will begin to make sense and some things you’ll just never understand…..
I feel your pain coming through…..and I want you to know….ITS OKAY……really……
You can take control and it’ll be like a snowball…..one bit of empowerement will gather the next until you are an avalanch of empowered, in control strength….
Just know….what your feeling, the questions your asking and the answers you want are all part of the process…..
It’ll all be okay…..just keep yourself safe.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

polly – have cashed it in for the night. sooo tired.

all cramping of spath’s style will be done anonymously. in my fantasies i want fuck her up as much as possible. but i am giving myself time to think and talk about it. LOTS of time – weighing costs/ benefits for me, and analyzing my motivations and what is necessary for MY healing and what is a public service – and analyzing the extent i want to go to in the name of public service.

it’s been a bit hard coming here to talk about that i will work to trip her up – everyone is about NC – and there is so much (justified) fear of them – I am working it out.

miss k

Dear Pollyannanomore, thank you for your post and advice.I am sorry to hear about your circumstances. Mine is also very popular and I too have been isolated and left with no one. That also makes me mad because I was doing the right thing and being faithful.I have to trust the great Almighty to take care of things for me.It is very unfair ”“” I keep hoping karma will catch up with him and what goes around comes around but I don;t seem to be seeing it at all” I dont see it either but I HAVE to trust that it will catch up to him. ”“ The mutual friends we had are all afraid of him….everybody is…..so no one would dare talk to me or look at me, so I know where you are coming from.The thing is this person he is with
is also a sociopath and treats him like crap. (but she buys him drugs which is something I would never do) so he stays with her. But she will never get treated the way I did because she is one too.
That makes it all the harder for me to swallow. It was two against just me…..

one/joy_step_at_a_time

…and i dream about an international vengence squad that could activate to work like buddhist protectors: wrathful, but not angry.

to irradicate one who would hurt so many would be viewed as compassion within vajrayana buddhism. (haha, i hear my N ex lecturing me as i write that!)

miss k

Dear I can see clearly, thank you for your support, I really am thankful I found this site, but like you said I would like to get some support here too but there are no therapists that I can find that help people like me. I have done the whole DV thing and quite frankly it hasnt helped me. I was in counseling but the counselors werent able to help/ didnt specialize with my sort of problem. I live in San Diego and as you know this state is having trouble financially. Plus I cant really “tell all” because I work at a plce where they would not accept my kind of “problem”. Your reply brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for validating my suffering and for telling me it is ok. I do
feel ashamed and I really shouldnt.

pollyannanomore

LOL One Step – I have a similar fantasy!

Miss K – yes try to have faith … it may take time but eventually their empty lives will implode – faster for him if he is involved with drugs. I get your point about doing the right and kind things – I did that too – to the point of sacrificing myself. It seems doubly unfair when it works out that way – it would have been easier to take if I had been a total bitch to him, but I wasn’t. Two spaths together will rip each other apart.

I know what it is to be isolated. I now have three good friends so am blessed but it took all my guts to pursue those friendships. Something that helped me to bear in mind and may help you too …

you are not isolated and friendless anymore, you have lots of friends here. Just because we aren;t in your city or your living room sharing tea with you doesn;t make us any less your friends – you just have friends overseas 🙂 I know how low I felt at the end when he left and how lousy I felt about myself. I thought people could smell the failure on me.

It’s not true though – other people don;t know what we have been through and treat us as if we were never isolated from the human race. I know you can do it too – you can make just one friend and when you do your whole world will open up. You have great strength inside you to have endured all the abuse for so long … so now it is time to use that strength for YOU because YOU are worth it (just like the Loreal ad!)

Hugs 🙂

miss k

Dear one step, thank you for your help. Actually all of you are so supportive and you all show me that I am not alone in this. I am sorry people like them exist…(why do they exist anyway?) But I really appreciate all your support. I hope we all can get better and move beyond them.
I am glad to here that bit by bit you are getting better.
You are right it should be about me for once. I am going strive to make it about me and my kids and not him, easier said then done but I will try. Thank you all for reading and caring.

miss k

This is how I feel too, as if all I can do is vent here. I feel so helpless and abused and………..etc,etc,etc. I AM in shock. I really am having a hard time because I would never do those types of things . This is quite frankly the hardest thing I have EVER had to deal with/understand.

miss k

Pollyannanomore….you are so right.Thats the problem there is no closure for us and its on to the next victim for them. The hard part is how they arent sorry and dont even understand what they have done to us nor do they care to…..it is so infantile of them to be only about themselves. And true they dont take responsibility. If I didnt hate him and what he has done so much I might even feel sorry for him. I have let him know he hurt me, though I tried not to. But I was seeking some sort of acknowledgement of what he did but I never got it from him. Your right he wont be responsible and I feel he will never be normal enough to even relate, even in a small way.You are right WTF???? It IS unfair!!!!
and What they do IS very very very wrong!The fact that he seems to have no sadness is also infuriating, considering all the sadness he has caused! Thank you for your help.

miss k

Pollyananomore, you are right, I am not the crazy one and I knew that all along but they have a way of trying to make you feel somehow responsible.

pollyannanomore

Miss K – shock is the right word – that’s what I came through as well and still slip into time to time. I first realised something was wrong a long long time ago but of course it was denied denied denied. Then I figured out what was wrong – I was being abused – that in itself was a shock. To find out about personality disorders though was the biggest shock of all.

There is also an element of relief in it though – there is a label with symptoms and it lets us know it was never about us. It was always about them.So shock is dead right. I don’t know if you’ve read many books yet but I have read a few that were really helpful. They’re all available at the Lovefraud shop when you have some spare money.

The Sociopath Next Door

Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown – I can’t recommend this one highly enough – it gives a complete breakdown of the abuser, the target and the abusive dynamic that builds u p over time – spot on – will help you see all the good parts in you and how they were used by the sociopath

Stalking the soul – this is awesome – about how emotional abuse murders the soul and identity of the target.

There is also heaps of free reading online – some is quite biased though. Read as much as you can in the early days – I am happy to share sites with you I found helpful. Somehow reading and learning just helps you to see there was nothing you could have done.

I agree the injustice is t he hardest part to cope with and I am still struggling with it now.

Sorry you’re feeling lousy about all this – it does get better – I’m just taking a backwards step the last few days – but honestly before then I was feeling heaps better. More confident, more ME and free of his horsecrap!

miss k

one step. that is exactly how I feel. I want to f–k him up so bad. I want him unrecognizeable….if not dead. I know it isnt healthy for me to have so much hatred but I too am working on things.

pollyannanomore

Miss K – me too! That is normal ! I know it doesn’t feel normal but it is! We were wronged in the worst ways possible and the normal response is to want revenge. We can’t in reality take it but we can express the feelings.

miss k

Dear Pollyannanomore…thank you for your advice and for your friendship. And everyone else too….honestly I feel better already…. though I know it will be a very very long dusty trail back to being “me”. Honestly…THANKS. and hugs back~

miss k

I have read the sociopath next door. My daughter had to read it for a class she was taking. She is the one who first diagnosed his disorder to me….she was saying hes a sociopath and yes, I deneid it too until I read that book. But yes I am still in shock….I didnt even know people like that existed much less that I was with one.

miss k

I am going to look into the other books mentioned. Thanks so much. The reason why our soul feels murdered is because in my mind these sociopaths are PURE EVIL and it does to an extent feel like a spiritual war at times.

miss k

LOL, I know about the writing, I have a notebook and two pens by my bed and write every night. I have nightmares and he also gave me PTSD so I dont sleep well and end up writing. I used to send them to him but now I just put them away….one day…I dont know when I hope to be able to stop writing/ working so hard at this at times when I am supposed to be sleeping. One day I hope to be able to throw it all out or better yet burn it and never think of it all ever again but I am a Libra and hold a grudge so I just dont see that happening.

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