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By | January 5, 2010 151 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The most important one-liner you will ever hear

Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Genevieve79.”

I’ve reached the age of 30 having been on the receiving end of a number of personality disordered individuals, mostly female but the odd male too. I spent (wasted?!) my twenties ducking and diving these people, even changing career direction several times, because I didn’t know how else to deal with them.

As I approach my 31st birthday I think I have finally begun to crack it! These people are actually very predictable if we know how to spot them early on. An experience with yet another one on a professional forum this weekend gave me the most tremendous Eureka moment.

I want to tell you all about what I call The Crazymaking One-Liner.

The Crazymaking One-Liner

The Crazymaking One-Liner is possibly the biggest warning sign we’ll ever have at the beginning of your dalliance with a sociopath and how we deal with it can determine the rest of your experience with them.

When I look back over my experiences with these personalities, they all have this in common and their primary goal is to antagonise, not communicate. They want a fight I believe it is excess inward anger that makes them what they are, they hate everybody and everything deep down but at the same time feel a deep need and sense of entitlement to have/own/control everybody and everything they want.

So what is this Crazymaking One-Liner of which I speak? It is the enigmatic sound bite that seemingly comes from nowhere, it is the single sentence that makes those of us who are healthy go “WTF?!” It is the one-line statement that simply has no answer and we are left rummaging around in our heads trying to figure out what they are on about, whilst simultaneously searching for something to say in response.

It is at this moment that, depending on our response, determines the rest of our experience with them. It is usually a criticism, though I’m sure not always.

I am not kidding when I tell you that every single sociopathic individual I have ever encountered (mostly female as I say) has had this trait this tendency to come out with sound bites that leave you wondering what they’re getting at and what you’re supposed to say in response.

A fantastic way to identify if you are being fed a big juicy Crazymaking One-Liner is to focus on how it makes you feel when you hear it. The Crazymaking One Liner will make you feel (usually in order ”¦)

STAGE ONE

Completely bewildered “Where did that come from?”

Completely uncertain “How is one supposed to answer that?”

Completely confused “What are they getting at?”

AND THEN…

STAGE TWO

Suddenly motivated before the other party says any more to anticipate where it came from, how one should answer and what they are getting at. At this point most of us who are healthy will automatically react, open up the lines of communication and start over explaining ourselves! At this point the psycho has won. We’ve let them in, we’ve opened the floodgates and very soon after that we’ll find ourselves under attack and usually engaged in a fullscale argument/fight with them. Because that is what they wanted all along.

I’ve found often, that once we briefly but directly assert ourselves and refuse to be attacked, as I eventually did with the person on the forum (see the examples below) calling them out for being personal, they will backpedal pretty quickly. That person wrote a post in response saying how it wasn’t meant to be personal and the tone seemed like they wanted to make amends. Haven’t heard from them since despite posting an ‘Ok’ in reply and sending a nice email privately.

This is not unusual with this type of personality. So, after they backpedal, don’t expect them to want to make amends with you when you tell them you accept their apology and wish to get back to normal. You’ll find yourself sent to Coventry, ignored, possibly even blocked by them. All lines of communication, like at the very beginning of the dalliance, with their use of The Crazymaking One-Liner, are suddenly once again closed down. That’s happened every single time to me with each different psycho. Possibly they do this because you have won and they don’t want you rubbing their nose in it! Besides, they never wanted to be your friend/have a healthy connection with you in the first place. It wasn’t a genuine disagreement between two human beings, leading to a peaceful resolution; it was a weird little game played out by the psycho which tends to come to an abrupt halt when you refuse to play anymore!

So, when we hear The Crazymaking One-Liner, how must we respond? Yep, you guessed it with another one liner!!!

The Blessed Phrase of Salvation

Allow me to introduce you to The Blessed Phrase Of Salvation! It is, quite simply

“What do you mean?” (“..by that?” is optional)

I will illustrate the wise use of The Blessed Phrase of Salvation with examples!

1) On A Discussion Forum to me “I think you’re way oversimplifying the situation Genevieve” Full Stop!

May not seem too bad at first glance but think about it most people would explain themselves with “because ”¦ ” especially on a written forum when, unlike normal conversation, you have full chance to say your piece. Why waste all that comment space? But not your personality disordered individual! Instead of leaving my response at “Why do you say that?” and making them explain themselves, I made the mistake all healthy people do by going into a spiel and explaining why I wasn’t oversimplifying! Every response from them after that was pretty much an attack, and very personal at that. I let them in, you see.

Likewise with others I have seen the exact same pattern unfold. It starts with a one-line criticism that has a limited possible response and as soon as we over respond they have got us.

How about an example in the real world?

2) At Work with someone in authority over me. Sitting in silence, alone with her. I was working; she was working. Out of the blue with her back to me, she suddenly says in a threatening voice, “They’re monitoring the amount of work you and your colleagues do, you know” Full Stop!

What is a person supposed to say to that? In the real world we have the benefit of tone of voice but if we’re savvy we can pick up the same snarky tone online as well. I made the mistake of under responding here I stayed quiet because I lacked confidence at the time. She was basically implying I was not working hard enough when the truth was I wasn’t being given enough to do.

What I should have said was, like the previous one, “What do you mean by that?” I should have briefly but directly challenged her statement, her Crazymaking One-Liner. My inadequate response that day helped seal my fate in that employment —  the same woman’s behaviour towards me escalated to the point that she had effectively bullied me out of my job by a year later.

3) The Personality Disordered Family Member of a friend, via sms, “Good to know what you truly think of your niece”  Full Stop.

How many of us healthy people would instantly start defending ourselves if we received a text like that? Stop! It’s one of those Crazymaking One-Liners again!! You’re dealing with a personality disordered person and they want a fight! Instead, draw them out, remember our Blessed Phrase of Salvation and let them dig their own hole! Because they will. Their Crazymaking One-Liner has no basis in everybody else’s sane reality and The Blessed Phrase of Salvation will very quickly expose that if you put your faith in it!

The family member who received this text message chose to under respond to it (stay quiet!) and the sender then moved on to another family member to have a fight with them. You might think great, but all under responding did was shift the problem close by it would have been far better for the original recipient to have exorcised the demon straightaway using our trusty Blessed Phrase of Salvation!

Seriously! It works. In fact, to not use it is potentially fatal! Draw them out. Do not over communicate, but do not under communicate either letting them get away with it is also a bad idea. Simply ask them a brief but direct “What do you mean?” and keep asking them questions and drawing them out, don’t go into explaining yourself. Avoid expressing yourself in any big way until they start talking more and even then be very careful. Keep batting the ball back into their court make them explain themselves. Eventually they’ll give up and walk away, finding someone else take their pathological inner anger out on.

Healthy people like us don’t usually make one-liners; we tend to qualify a one-line criticism with some sort of explanation. With personality disordered individuals, they shoot out these weird little sound bites at their targets without any explanation, leaving the listener hanging, wondering what the heck just happened!

Nipping being targeted in the bud

So this is how we spot them, ladies and gentlemen! The Crazymaking One-Liner, in my experience, occurs at the very beginning of the relationship. This can be a platonic, family or romantic relationship it seems to be across the board. The Crazymaking One-Liner is one of the main ways that a sociopath tests us out and draws us in at the start. If we can spot this straightaway, and deal with it as outlined above, the chances of them continuing on to target us further are less.

Don’t worry about any of them reading this and changing their game plan. They have no control over their behaviour they truly can’t help themselves. They’re all wired pretty much the same way; it’s an impulse. They’re on another planet to the rest of us, and it’s pointless us trying to relate to them like they aren’t. There is now medical evidence to suggest that their brains are actually wired differently to healthy individuals.

Every single one of them I have ever been targeted by in my entire life (going back to age 9 with a school bully!) has been the same way at work, in my family and in education. They even pose in photographs in a similar way! I have noticed that few of them smile, or when they do it is not real somehow; they emanate fakeness, rather like a vampire having no reflection. Watch out for the eyes as well, they can be a real giveaway. You’ll know what I’m getting at when you begin to think about it.

Their predictability is our one consolation. Let us therefore continue to pool our experiences on this site and realise just how much those that have targeted us have in common!

With best wishes,

Genevieve79 xxxx


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Elizabeth Conley

“The Blessed Phrase of Salvation

Allow me to introduce you to The Blessed Phrase Of Salvation! It is, quite simply

“What do you mean?” (“..by that?” is optional)”

Thanks for reminding me of this Donna. I’ve yet to learn how to use this infinitely useful response. Maybe I need someone to follow me around with a cattle prod for a year to recondition my responses. I’ve heard this before, I just can’t seem to apply it in real life.

That may be the best New Year’s resolution I could make this year. (I haven’t made one yet.) I think that’s my resolution:

I hereby resolve to learn to say “What do you mean by that?” in response to crazy-making remarks.

Thank You Donna.

Elizabeth,

Thank Genevieve. It’s her article, and I think it’s brilliant.

Delightful article. And a great reminder of something I’ve taught other people and tend to forget to do myself.

The other blessed line, in my lexicon, is “That doesn’t work for me” when faced with one of their ridiculous assumptions or imagined fait accompli. It may sound confrontational but it can be delivered in the sweetest possible way.

It’s one of those phrases we don’t have to explain. It can mean a lot of different things. But the one thing it always means is that we’re not buying it. Whatever it is. And like Genivieve’s great line, it throws them back on themselves to figure out what to say next.

Which is oh-so-complicated for them. Because their objective is never to simply share useful information, but to affect our emotions in some way or convince us to do something, so they can think “I win!” I’d like to say that watching the gears turning in their little minds is fun, but it’s a lot more fun to watch them decide we’re just too much work, and amble away.

Thanks again, for a funny, stimulating and really helpful article!

Kathy

Ox Drover

Dear Genevieve,

THANK YOU for a great article! Yep, I can remember some great “one liners”—-and you are very right, they tend to come early in the relationships when they are sizing you up to see how yhou will respond.

It is like they are “fishing” and they throw this “one liner” out there like a bass lure to see if you will lunge for it, and when you do, you get the HOOK set in your gut or mouth, depending on how deeply you swallow it. At that time they are then in control as they have you on a line and can LEAD you around like a fisherman with a fish on the line. Even if you manage to get off the line and tear the hook out of yourself, it still leaves damage and they march joyfully away, having at least done damage to you.

Your phrase of salvation puts the onus back on them and puts them in the AKWARD position.

Thank you again for this article! A great one and I am glad to know you are growing and gaining in wisdom and emotional health! (((hugs))))

recovering

Genevieve — Very good article that speaks to our ability to gain and maintain a sense of empowerment when encountering toxic individuals. I too find that they are not as intimidating once we get a clue about their predictability and the reality of their personality disorder.

They are not so powerful once we get enough psychological distance after being enmeshed in a relationship. While best not to tangle long-term for too long due to their unrelenting projections, problems relating well to others and unresolved negativity (too much energy gets wasted, resulting in feeling drained by them), there attempts to attack can be put in perspective.

In routine situations, it makes it a lot easier over time not to take them seriously, nor the games they play personally, so we can make conscious, in-the-moment choices about whether and how much to engage in an interaction.

Your one-liner solution is a great way to help us remember boundaries enough to refocus for clarity. It helps us get a new grip on ourselves after the initially-overwhelming encounter/s.

pollyannanomore

Good stuff here Genevieve – I will be running the other way at the first sign of pathology but I’ll be sure to shout it over my shoulder as I do!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

recovering: clear, succinct, niiice.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Polly, you just made me snort liquid out my nose!

pollyannanomore

Yep lol I will be going so fast you will swear you see flames coming out of my ass 🙂 Never ever again!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

🙂

Easy

I agree! If I had only listened to my instincts and the words of that one-liner that very first time ,things might have been different. And yet I also think He allready Had the Hook firmly set!
I think that their anger is acctually Fear. The fight or flight responce, Theirs being permently wired for fight and deciet!
Is it possible that a behavior is noticed first that is Red Flag or WTF moment that we did not respond approriatly to.

Cat

Awesome article! This is something I encountered from the very beginning of my relationship with my ex. He would say something out of the blue that to me was totally random. I caught on towards the end that the more I gave, information wise, the deeper the hole I put myself in. Now, I say, “I don’t understand. Enlighten me.” I am finding this to be a good one to use with a lot of people. Of course, my ex didn’t have any logic to back up his one liners, so out would come all of this BS that really made no sense at all.
I also found there is a large amount of power I re-gained when I used this at the end. NOTHING leaves them more frustrated than getting nothing out of us because our emotions are what they play on and operate on. When none is forthcoming from us, they have nothing to work with!

Ox Drover

QUOTE CAT: “NOTHING leaves them more frustrated than getting nothing out of us because our emotions are what they play on and operate on. When none is forthcoming from us, they have nothing to work with! ”

OH YES!!!! And anything you give them will BITE YOU in the arse! That is also why in the END you have to maintain NC because anything you give them, any information or whatever will come back twisted into a hook or a spear to tear you up!

Maryjane

Yes, when my responses were one word and I respond by text and phone.. very short..
he made the comment.. you don’t even respond to me any longer..

I just figured something out.. I am emotional and outgoing and I have an energetic personality and that is why and what these guys attach to me on…

They say things like I love your eyes.. they are so bright and clear..

so the opposite of theirs…. umm.. I am having so many awarenesses…

it is to no lose yourself in them or their con but to stay concious every moment to their agenda..
And their compliments.. they use them to get in…everyone enjoys compliments.. so that is their mainstay…
also… whenever he would talk about the sad things in his life and I might respond.. that I can’t or don’t want to deal with that ..he would comment that I am not spiritual…
yeah right… according to who?

so yes.. haven’t these comebacks in your arsenal.. as in What do you mean by that is great.. or really explain.. or I don’t understand… put it onto them to explain.. and to hear what they say …

I am realizing that for some reason..I let men at times, define me .. and I dont know why.. I know who that I am…

it was like I was talking about purses.. and he commented that I am too into material things..
and that is not true.. not true at all.. in fact, am the opposite .. my friends tell me that I am not like that at all.. but he was trying to control me with his definitions of me..

and to cover up his lack…

I am even having dreams lately that are unwinding me from this grip….

I define me, not one else… and I have been thought much…
I want fun.. I have no chlidren.. and horrible things in my life.. so why would I want to attach myself to someone with sick children and who is so burdened down that we can’t have and do…

I wouldn’t.. not unless they were trying to con me… hook me in.. manipulate me.. make me feel like I should be more ‘spiritual’ and take on their burdens..
GOT IT! Be there done that…..

Whew!

recovering

Cat — Great line, “I don’t understand. Enlighten me.”

recovering

style1: Great points””Not to lose yourself in them or their con, but to stay concious every moment to their agenda.”

And, just as important, to stay conscious of our own needs and boundaries. When their needs are in conflict with ours, the choice is up to us about how to respond — how to support our own well-being and best interests, whether through healthy compromise or healthy selfishness.

eileen

Style1, I was also told I was too materialistic……when I was asking him to pay back the money he owed me 😀

Maryjane

They guilt you out and try to define you to make themselves feel better…
It is obvious.. when you look back.. but I recall thinking.. “Well, maybe, I am materialistic” and it is all BS…
he wanted me to want nothing… and to be this ‘spiritual being’ that took care of his ill family…

I feel free when I am in my total awareness…
yes.. we all should not have anything and just give to those less fortunate.. and if we want something how terrible of us…

it’s all a gig.. for manipulation….

much like the propaganda in the Gov that is going on now…

Aeylah

my favorite crazy making line:

“I love you, you’e the only one for me”! …Bingo, your hooked

pollyannanomore

Isn’t it funny they accuse us of being what they are? Projection anyone?

He has no idea what is going on in my head and he hates it – he knows for sure though that something major has shifted and he has no power over me now. That makes me feel powerful.

I used to be an open book to him – would share everything I was thinking and feeling and now he gets none of that fuel – must be quite a shock for him.
TOWANDA to us – we won – we have our souls and they have nothing.

ErinBrock

Totally off topic….
I want to share a deposition of a man (a GF’s STBex) a man I have been trying to figure out (for my own purposes) to ‘test’ my radar.
I guess the intrigue was that before he foolishly left the RX bandaid on his ass and announced he had STD’s….and the shot was for his treatments and the bandaid was from the nurse who injected him in ass…….but right before this came to light….of him having unprotected sex for years with Crack whores downtown…..
Before all this came out….I was trying to figure out a ‘man recipe’….like we do…..
I told my GF that I wanted to find a ‘nice’ quiet guy like her hubbiepoo. I used him as my example….
He’s very boring, quiet and mostly appeasing, total dork, can hold a conversation, but not the ‘life of the party’ by any stretch (like the ex S).
BUT I CALL HIM A SLEEPER! Like a sleeper sociopath…..he creeps up on you through the back door…..
he is a person you would NEVER suspect his private life…..
Closet druggie, We are pretty sure our ex’s have had sex TOGETHER…..trolls around downtown on scum row getting sex in hotel parking lots from the bottom of the barrel, he’s a gambler, a risk taker, porn addict and a sex addict.
He’s as nasty and covert as they come…but you would NEVER suspect.
He is the poster child for what NOT to marry or date…
I read every word of this deposition and it was clear how and when he lies….her and I spoke about it and I pointed out where he backed himself into a corner.
He was VERY specific about some things…..overly so…..went on and on….being VERY helpful and informative…..
and on other things like questioning his spending and expenses he was knocked up. Then offered the smoke screen…..and in unison with his attorney…..when attorney saw the direction, she misdirected it by placing a document that intrigued the other attorney in front of him……he was distracted and the questioning changed direction…..
It was like Sociipathic tag teaming.
Very interesting, but the crux of it confirms for me…..
THAT there really is a very, very different way to confront these folks legally…..and you just gotta be prepped and ready for every angle.

This case is due to go to trial on Monday…..there is a chance it might settle…..BUT it’s gonna have to be from the ‘other side’….

It is interesting for me to see this case and read the docs and hear play by play for almost 1.5 years…..how so much of divorce is ‘routine’, but the hangups with Cluster B’s are classic.

I’d love to study others divorces to fine tune the PROCESS of it in my research…..
Look at documents, hear stories and draw my conclusion.

I think there really is a general ‘formula’ to divorcing these people…..STARTING with planning on years of the process…..if you can get out sooner…great…..but it’s the long haul mindset we must have going in!!
It’s not as straight forward as just ‘telling the truth’……it’s HOW you tell the truth.
We must go into divorcing a sociopath in our very best covert sociopathic form!!!!!

lightsaber

How about these gems for CRAZYMAKING?

After a couple of months: “I know you better than you know yourself.”

After 6 months: “Your PERCEPTIONS of yourself are flawed. I see the true you.”
“YOUR FATAL FLAW is you can’t take criticism.”

After 8 months and MUCH abuse: “I can’t let go and trust to love you the way you want because you won’t fully trust me. Therefore it’s all your fault that I can’t trust you.”

[WHAT???!!!!]

Me: “This is not me. I am not myself with you. I have never acted like this. This is wrong.”

Him: “You’re fooling yourself. This IS you. This is the true you. You need to think of yourself as good but your’re not. Look at what you’ve done.”

Yeah..uhu….Look at what I’ve done alright.

pollyannanomore

Erin they come in all kinds of packages – druggies are not just the down and outs, but include members of every strata in society – some that shock people too. Feel sorry for your friend – t his guy sounds like a real winner (not!) – maybe you could give her the link to this site for support.

Icanseeclearly – for me the ‘love’ lines were the big hooks too. I feel really dumb admitting that because his behaviour said ‘I hate you’ really clearly, yet for some reason I got sucked in again and again by the declarations (while looking me dead in the eye) of undying love, remorse and sorrow. What kind of person can look you in the eyes and lie to you about something that important?

It sickens me to think of how he lied when I presented clear evidence that things ‘weren;t working out’ – of course he did – things were working out just fine for him. It was me who was desperately unhappy and he managed every time to make me feel guilty for this totally legitimate feeling. What a bastard. I have changed his name on my phone to a series of expletives

lightsaber

Polly – LMAO at the name

I think you know that you shouldn’t feel dumb about getting sucked in. We all did. They’re not normal. We weren’t prepared for that.

The kind of person who can look someone in the eye and lie about love is an empty person who will NEVER know love. They are the pathetic ones.

(((hugs)))

pollyannanomore

You know what I mean though – I had that little faith in my own perceptions that after standing up for them for a while, I folded to his ‘No nothing is wrong with us – this is a great relationship and I love you lots’. I found some writing from years ago tonight and although I didn’t know at that stage I was being badly abused, the writing has a surprising clarity.

I know I didn;t fold easily when trying to make my point and stick up for my rights. I got quite vociferous about it. But his refusal to talk meant that eventually the next day came and we both had to go to work and the matter usually got lost.

Elizabeth Conley

“Elizabeth,

Thank Genevieve. It’s her article, and I think it’s brilliant. ”

I stand corrected.

Thank You Genevieve. Truly, it is brilliant!

bulletproof

Genevieve

Eureka!!! The crazy making one liner no more! I declare not one will get past me, and I actually look forward to one of them so I can test out the ” what do you mean?” protective answer
I remember doing this at the end of the “dance” with the P and he would NOT BE DRAWN OUT he would go silent and ignore my probe by changing the subject with a cheery cover up let’s go shopping etc. I would be lead away by the hand with a smile and promise of a great day with him….(All the shopping by the way would always end up on my credit card!!!)

i’m Stayingsane..changed the name to bulletproof because I AM ARMED with the wonderful information from this site and it really is working for me on all levels as I deal with personality disordered folk on a daily basis.

I love the notion of holding the power when someone has shot you with a crazy making one liner (my parents were brilliant at them , and I would in shame try and explain myself till I cried) but no more. I will never assume anyone EVER AGAIN is worthy of my explanation/justification whatever…I will draw them out and if they will not come out they are not worthy of my openess, end of conversation. Energy conserved. well being protected. Eureka!

Thanks Genevieve

Cat

Dear icanseeclearly,
After a couple of months: “I know you better than you know yourself.”
If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard this, I would be dining with Donald Trump tonite because I would be that rich! He STILL tries to use this one. It’s usually followed by the beginnings of a speech on my inabilities and how he can “fix” those. NOT. I cut him off in mid-sentence. His lines are so old, I could sit there with him and say EXACTLY the same thing he would be saying to me. Of course, then he would turn THAT around and say great minds think alike and of course, we’re meant for each other. Blah, blah, blah…

recovering, I’ve used it a lot and I think what it basically does is put everything on the other person’s shoulders. I know when I said it to my ex, he would then become frustrated and start the ranting which was nothing but dribble because he had NOTHING to back up these stupid statements.

Ox, I love what you said about it coming back to bite you in the arse. This has been a bitter lesson for me. You know, as many do, that my ex had almost my entire family buying his BS. A lot of his garbage came from something I HAD SAID, but it was twisted and turned and entirely believable for someone who didn’t really know him. I give NOTHING away now. NC is the best there is for this. I had my restraining order continued just yesterday so that he can’t pull this. I was getting far too many messages about our son that were really just a lead in for what he really wants; he is still apologizing for robbing my family blind which translates to: Will everyone please go back to the way it was before and believe my BS? I know EXACTLY what he’s pulling. Ain’t gonna work.

pollyanna, I do believe I’m going to treat myself to a tattoo, on my butt…oh, I am rolling on that one!

pollyannanomore

Bulletprooof I had that same experience of trying to draw him out – as if he was worth it! Same for me … if someone doesn’t willingly share about themselves then I am off.

Cat I got all those lines too

Genevieve79

Hi all,
I’m so glad you found my article helpful and thanks to Donna for publishing it.
Mad isn’t it how so many of us have experienced the one liner! They quite literally are ‘fishing’ for a response and the more info we give the deeper we get ourselves in and the more they get their jollies.
Love the other examples people have given as well.
Big hugs to all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ox Drover

Thanks to YOU, Genevive, for this insightful article! GREAT! I am grateful lfor you submitting it! Wish more bloggers would write articles for LF. There’s some smart cookies here in case you didn’t already know that! And you are one of them!!!!

Stayingsane/Bullet Proof, thanks for the clarification of the name! And BTW, you ARE Sane! LOL

I had to laugh about the tattoos! I am going to get a tattoo on my 65th birthday.Right over my left breast, it will say DO NOT RECUSSITATE, because while CPR is in some instances a good thing, I have never seen a case when, even in a hospital, with advanced CPR available almost immediately, that there has been a truly “successful” result from ACLS (advanced CPR) by trained staff, and I do not want to come back either a “vegetable” with a dead brain in a living body, or severely disabled mentally and/or physically, and I know that even with a DNR on your chart, or a living will that says NO CPR the people will DO IT ANYWAY! LOL I told that to one of the doctors at work one time (I made this decision years ago) and I thought he was going to falll off his stool, because he couldn’t imagine me with a tattoo in the first place, and when I told him what it woujld say, I thought he would swallow his tongue! And yes, I AM going to do it, but I will buy my own tattoo gun, and my own ink to make sure I don’t get Hepatitis C or worse from “Bubba’s tattoo parlor.” Statistics show that 30% of all people with a professional tattoo have Hep C exposure, so if you do have a Tattoo, get checked for Hep C and if you have it get treated. Not sure if this statistic is CAUSAL from the tattoos or if they got it from some other risky behavior, but it wouldn’t hurt to check out. Remember that Dentist with HIV in Florida a few years ago, that gave it to 5 of his patients and no one to this day still knows exactly how he transmitted it to them. Doesn’t hurt to be CAREFUL!

recovering

pollyannanomore and Bulletprooof– I know the experience of trying to draw them out ”“ as if they are worth it.

And love your sassy comment Polly: “if someone doesn’t willingly share about themselves then I am off like Goff.”

Even one female friend used to call me too much and HOLD the phone — just hold the phone silently, not saying a word, as if putting the burden on me to talk, although she had called.

I had to consciously stop volunteering info with this person. I would have opened up and joined in had she generated something from the beginning, but she actually thought I should be responsible for doing this, even when she called.

I became good at getting off the phone.

I don’t miss anything that requires me to strain for conversation. I don’t feel obligated in this way with anyone anymore — male or female. Too much work.

Silence can be good.

Clovis50

This is great! I remember towards the end of our relationship (and it was ending because I was not accepting his ignoring of me) I visited his apt. and said “where do you see this marriage going.” No answer. So I rephrased “What do you think we should do about our marriage.” His line ” I think you need to do what you need to do, and I need to do what I need to do and if we meet up on occasion, that will be ok.”
Thats where the WTF came into my head. Spinning. REALLY?
So, I said “how is that supposed to make all this work’ and in his typical cowardly fashion, he shuts his eyes and ignores me. End of conversation, done with me, basically saying, I gave you an answer, you rattle it around your head and go crazy over it…this dude is so not right and so good about being a sociopath….leaves a wake of destruction wherever he goes, wish someone would have warned me

pollyannanomore

Gem … you will make new friends – you are sociable and outgoing and although it hurts it is far better for your journey to not be carting dead wood around – and users are definitely dead wood. Probably they will realise you have changed and come back changed themselves. Sorry you are feeling down though.

Oxy I am laughing at your tattoo idea but also seeing the serious side of it – you know what you’re doing, but surely there are some situations where resuscitation is a good thing. For some reason I had the following motto pop into my head
“Pith off with those paddles!”

Maybe when that LF conference happens we can hire a good tattooist and all get the ones we want done 😀

Bulletproof – love the new name 🙂 Very positive. And yes I used to be like you – people would even put me on hold on the phone or be txting while with me. Now I tell them to turn off their phone because if they are with me I expect them to be present unless there’s an emergency (in which case silent mode is ok 😛

Clovis – I got those same nothing responses when I tried to discuss the very real problems in the relationship with him. Just crazy stuff. Abusers seldom leave of their own volition unless they have someone new in the wings but expect us to hang around in a state of nothingness pandering to their whims.

PS is it just me or is there is spellchecker function now on the site? Wooohooo!

ErinBrock

spell check….HOW?

pollyannanomore

I don’t know but my incorrectly spelled words are showing up with red underline and when I click (right I think) it gives me a drop down of the right spellings just like in Word …. yay!

ErinBrock

I’m not figuring this out…..?????

pollyannanomore

try spelling a word totally wrong – it will underline in red then right click the word and the menu arrives

just to try it
nope it doesn’t seem to be working quite as it was before – sometimes it comes up and sometimes not – maybe it has to do with the internet browser you have or with your version of windows?? Hadn’t seen it before, just noticed it today. Weird – it was workin g (there – the workin is underlined in red twic e for me as is the twic ) Just play around with it a bit. Might be a bit hit and miss, but I seem to recall someone was asking for that function.

to innocent to know

Actually, I can see, I told him that I know him better than he knows himself. But only after all my reading and coming here and seeing what he really is. He makes everyone think he is such a good guy. He’s only been with his new GF for 6 months and has her whole family thinking he is perfect! They were engaged, but she broke it off with him at the end of Dec., maybe she is seeing something, but he quickly put his mask back on and all is going better now. It’s amazing how I see him in a whole new way, coming out of the FOG, he looks totally different to me, in pictures, I’m NC. I see a hardness in them, that I didn’t see before. amazing!

Clovis50

Polly so comforting to know I am not the only one who got dismissed and mentally screwed with. You are right, there is not marriage, life, joy in living with a 3rd grader! Somehow I excused it away but no more. Give me a mature answer or I move on. I have not talked to the child man since he texted me that he did not want to be married to me anymore, did he want me to beg or did he have another waiting in the wings, either way, I did not beg and did not want to find out anymore. I just want to live normally without the mind games, I want my self respect back, I hate being off track and this psycho put me there and your words add strength to my goals, thank you.

pollyannanomore

Clovis – you are doing the right thing for you – stuff him! Grrrr ! So I know you won’t have come easily to this decision and it’s a horrible process to go through – you will get there though. We deserve better than what they have to offer ie parasitism 🙂
My best wishes for you

AKA Bob

It is very important that we continue to refer to this site, these blogs. We need to make it a habit, a natural response in identifying and responding to (when necessary and appropriate) psychopaths.

Last night I told my wife that I thought it would be a good idea to discuss summer camps with my ex-P prior to summer (my children visit her out of state for the summer). She reminded me that I am not to have verbal contact with her if possible, all communication via email. She reminded me what the LoveFraud readers reiterate, NO CONTACT.

It’s good to have someone who understands looking over my shoulder so I don’t get drawn back in!! I hope you have that support.

jennifer1011

Well timed, my first ex husband went on the offensive the other night, we share a child so ‘no contact’ is not possible… and when I responded to his insanity with a “what do you mean” he accused me of being literal and then said “I can’t talk to you,” presumably because I wouldn’t keep dancing around fighting with him. He’s not a sociopath, but a narcissist and an expert crazy maker. I’ve never known any one better at it, well, other than my mother who probably gave him lessons. AKA Bob is right, as limited contact as possible and leave no room for misinterpretation. J.

Jewels

Polly,

“I have changed his name on my phone to a series of expletives I won;t burden anyone with lol I got a smile when I got a message from C*** sucker B DheadA###hole F&&&wit ”“ ok so I did burden you all with it! Made me laugh ”“ how far I have come ” –

OMG – ROFL – this one is priceless – I think that if I COULD, I’d “christen” my guy’s “NPDXW INCOMING” calls with that…alas, I cannot, although your phrase “made” both our days!!! It made US laugh at how far you’ve come, AND enjoy a few moments of how far WE’VE come also~! thanks
~j~

Escaped

My mother told me of another phrase of salvation which I believe is very wise.

Here’s the set-up of the situation…..
When my ex-MIL, the N’s mother, used to want to give me her antiquated and judgemental critisisms of my performance or actions as the wife of her precious son, she would ask a question to lead me into an opportunity for her to start one of these un-winnable (for me) debates which would leave me questioning my own character and beliefs. (Can you say accomplice?) Of course you could not win one of these with her quoting scripture, etc.

My mother told me to limit my response to any such questions to, “Why do you ask?” This either shuts the interrogator/instigator down or at the very least gives you the opportunity to respond with the absolute truth….”That is none of your business and/or I’d rather not discuss that with you.”

learnthelesson

I too, changed his name to a series of expletives…more than a few times…each time hopefully ensuring that if a message appeared I would feel even more empowered to not respond.

Unfortunately, the last time it happened…it had been SO LONG since I heard from him that I laughed my ass off when the name I gave him appeared….I laughed and thought what the heck…lets see what he has to say THIS time.

It was only two months ago that I figured out the only way to do this for myself – was what I felt was the right way for me. Not to keep changing his “name” – but to delete his name and any remaining texts I had saved – and I called the phone company to block his number from my receiving calls and incoming messages.

It was nervewracking at first – on the phone with the cellular company – realizing the “finality” of it all…but as soon as it was completed – I felt relieved that I did the right thing for myself and my well-being. If felt healthy, finally a healthy choice for my situation!!

I highly recommend it – to everyone – when they are ready! LTL

pollyannanomore

Awesome Learn the lesson! That’s what I intend to do.

Jewels – even if you can’t change it in the phone – you can change it in your mind 🙂

Some excellent Biblical quotes there … isn’t it ironic we really understand them once we’re looking back in hindsight??

I love that question “Why do you ask?” Will have to remember that one for future situations 🙂

hens

I changed my phone numbers about two weeks after the final kick to the curb. I remember during that two weeks he called crying and said he missed me. I still want to believe that, but my caller ID said ‘private number’ or he would call from a pay phone or worse yet he wouldnt call for days and I had no way to call him. But I knew I had to change my numbers and get them unlisted. He hasnt called in two years, so I never have an anxiety attack when the phone rings. Just when someone knocks on the door. But I ignore that also, it doesnt happen often. Changing numbers to unlisted was huge for me. Very final. But I was done. It had to stop.

pollyannanomore

Henry what horrible behaviour – calling you crying and missing you then you never having his number – a power play till the very end. It’s good you changed to unlisted if you were getting anxiety every time the phone rang.

“These people are actually very predictable if we know how to spot them early on.”

YES!!!!! Someone else said the same thing, and gives lists of things that sociopaths all do.

http://omniverse.blogspot.com/2007_04_01_archive.html#1871945885097123230

I’ve seen sociopaths do all these things, but never made the connection until it was pointed out. We can stop every sociopath dead in their tracks if we just stay aware of what they all do.

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