Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call “Trista.” She tells her story of being dismissed with a shrug.
I met the man who has been my husband for 30 years in a language school. He was serious, but could be funny, a bit shy, but also had a way with words. He had beautiful eyes and lots of girls were in love with him. I was no exception, but it was me he chose to go out with.
The relationship soon took off and we were a pair. Those first days were good; I had no idea I was dealing with a sociopath. When I took him to meet my mother, however, when things were very serious between us, she said that she thought he needed some “help.” I dismissed it.
I did realize how quickly he took offense for the least of things, and how quick he was to respond with offensive words to other people. Soon after we married I started to see more and more of his temper, that other people called a “short fuse,” but it was still directed to others, not to me. My time would come.
Controlling the money
My S was very controlling with money, getting angry even if I bought him a present that he thought cost more than I could spend. He continued to control me through money for all those 30 years, never allowing me to go to the supermarket on my own, not giving me money to any expense, and having screaming fits if I did anything like taking the initiative of paying for a small cheap portrait of our infant daughter. My friends and family thought him “odd,” and because I was so afraid that some people would do or say the wrong thing near him and trigger a terrible scene, I started avoiding most of my friends. We lived on our own with our two small kids, and provided that I would not ask for money or invite people who could get him in a mood, life was sort of ok.
Church was another problem. As a Christian, I was used to church life and he was brought up in a Christian environment as well. However, we could not be in any church together. Something would happen, something the preacher said or that other people said would trigger his horrendous fits of rage. I used to be terrified in church, paying attention to where the sermon would lead in case it would touch some subject that he would find offensive. I remember real terror while in church, till the last time he stormed out of the building and verbally attacked the pastor at the door. I never went to church with him again, but I also could not go alone, in case he thought I did not think him fit to go to church. This would cause even more problems. In the end I gave up church altogether, but not my Christian faith.
Holidays on his own
In the middle of the 90’s he started going on holidays on his own, to countries in Europe. I was never invited, not thought of, as I stayed behind to look after the house and teenagers. I don’t believe that he had one minute of doubt about the propriety of a married man in his 50’s going to holidays alone every year. I decided not to say anything.
I was still very scared of confronting him about anything; his rages were severe and I was scared because his eyes would change to look like glass when he was angry. He would scream not to touch him, to get away from him and his eyes would go big and glazed. Once when he was driving, somehow something we said got him in one of his tempers and he drove with fury near getting on the pavement, and barely missing a lady and a child. My daughter was in the car with me and we both thought we would die as well. He had no control over himself. A bit later on he started breaking things, like the Christmas tree, ornaments, and also pushed me against a table, I bruised my ribs and had to go to the hospital next day.
He got a job as a teacher in a University. He can somehow give a good interview and charm others, he is intelligent and cultured. Later on, when they see the problems, it is usually too late. His boss has already commented on his “glazed eyes.”
In love with Poland
As part of this job, he got a trip to Poland. When he came back, he was a man completely taken by the Polish life and people, in such a way that I can only describe as sick. My house immediately became full of Polish ornaments, his friends became only Polish people, he became obsessed by them, in the same way he became obsessed in the past by other cultures like the South Americans, the Russians, the Orientals. He had “phases” when he only talked and walked around people of those cultures, now it was the Polish. I knew it well, but could not foresee a new developement: He “fell in love” with a Polish boy.
Read more: High-energy sociopaths – 5 reasons why they just keep pushing
I was away for some weeks visiting my family and when I came back there was something different about him. He had bought a mobile phone, was using it every minute, and hiding in the garden to talk. I also got an email he passed to this boy and it was a complete sop, an email a man writes to his girl. I got the phone number of the boy, went to talk to him, who was only 20 (my S is 57) and did not know about the situation; he had a girlfriend! It was in my S ‘s mind; he interpreted friendship for another thing. This boy was his former student.
The S in my life even said after being discovered that he needed the excitement and when I pointed out the absurdity of a 57 married man who is a grandfather chasing a 20 year old boy who is younger than his son or nephews, he simply said “he had no one for him,” meaning, “I did not have to account for my actions to his family, since he has none.” He continued to behave in the most shameless manner, telling our friends that he was in love with a boy and alienating our friends even further, telling his family that both him and my son had Polish people in their lives (because my son had had a Polish girlfriend). He even asked me why I thought that I was God’s will for him and not that boy. I was speechless.
Mask slipped
From them on I argued with him for two years about the impropriety of such things, the absurdity of it, but he denies having done anything. When I talked to the boy I was made aware that he had invited him for a weekend trip and I got it just in time. He tried to blame me for his actions and denies having done me any harm or the children. However, our family is in tatters and I have filed for divorce with the support of my children. I have seen a counselor, who also saw him and he told me to leave him and that he has been cheating on me all my life. This boy was not the first one, but now the mask has slipped. Interesting enough, other people have used that term to refer to him, my friend said she always saw him as having a mask; my brother said that “his plug fell.”
At the moment he is still denying the boy was more than friendship, even after the fact that he took our wedding ring off and told me he was not married to me, didn’t want me, didn’t love me, and cried like a baby for this boy. I have all the evidence; he still denies it and makes me feel I’m somehow to blame. For two years I went nearly crazy because of his faulty logic, his coldness, his shameless deeds. He still denies that he has done wrong.
He has no remorse, no thought of me or the children about it all; he considers himself a good Christian who goes to church every Sunday but never learns anything. He said that when he did it (about the boy) I never entered his mind.
I’m now nearly divorced and have nothing else to do with him. He is still involved with the Polish, and is dressing up as a 20 year old himself, walking with groups of young people. My son is ashamed of him and my daughter says she hardly knows him. He couldn’t care less for me, his wife of 30 years. I was dismissed with a shrug.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The most important one-liner you will ever hear
Dear Polly,
Thank you for suggesting getting a check on the vitamin D, but I am very aware of many of the problems caused by lack of various vitamins, and while I don’t take “mega doses” of any vitamin, I do take a very good vitamin supplement, which includes D.
There are several vitamins that are fat (not water) soluble and if taken in excess, can cause multiple problems by an excess, K, A, D, and E are the most common ones and excess vitamins are not washed out with water in the urine as other vitamins are, and are instead stored in the fat.
Also, I AM outside even in the winter so do get some sunshine if the sun is shining. For years though, I had noticed a tendency to be moody and depressed especially in the winter time, and did take antidepressant medications about 3 months of the year. Actually, I probably was also somewhat depressed the other 9 months as most people with significant SAD (seasonal affective Disorder) are depressed all the time. My life wasn’t significantly effected the other months though, and I did notice I was sort of moody in the winter time.
Though my psych doc that prescribes my medication for Depression makes the final decisions, I do contact her if I feel like I am not “doing well” on the dose I am on. I did that this time, but probably should have done so sooner, with the increased stress load of my son C’s “event” and the upcoming parole hearing for my P-son.
Self-awareness is not always as good as it should be, and that includes ME. Medical personnel tend to be poor patients–a couple of summers ago, I felt horrible for several months (physically) and became progressively weaker and weaker, my pulse racing with any exertion. I was also having “hot flashes” though I am over a decade post-menopausal, finally one night while I was having the “hot flashes” I put a thermometer into my mouth and found out I had been running intermittent fevers for a couple of months almost every night. I went to the doctor immediately and was diagnosed with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, a very serious tick-borne illness that even with swift and appropriate treatment has a mortality rate of 7% and a 20% mortality rate without treatment. I was lucky! I have tried to “tough it out” when I should be in bed, or “wait and see” if something gets worse, when I would have severely BOINKED a patient for acting the same way. I am trying to be BETTER about that now. LOL
I am starting to have improved moods with the increased dose of antidepressant medication, sleep better, and have more “ambition” to do things, so I think I will be on the upswing quickly, but when you are depressed, it is difficult to even get the “ambition” to do something about the depression.
One of the things we are taught about severely depressed patients is that they do not have the energy to kill themselves, but if you give them medication and improve their depression, sometimes they will actually “improve” enough to HAVE THE ENERGY to kill themselves, so suicide is a real possibility when a patient who is severely depressed is given medication for that without proper supervision. I had a foster child who 20 years later did kill himself and I think that is exactly what happened with him, because he was given antidepressant medication by his family doctor, his depression improved and he killed himself without any warning, threats or anything to indicate he was suicidal. If he had ALSO had therapy at the same time I think that might have been avoided.
That is one reason that I advocate that anyone who has the symptoms of depression be evaluated by a psychiatric health care professional, not just their family physician.
Psych medications don’t solve a person’s problems, but I am living proof that they help the brain to function so that you can solve your own. They are not a “cure all” by any means, but so much has been learned in the last generation of psych medications that they sure do help in most situations with many life wrecking illnesses if a person will work with their health care provider.
As far as the extra weight, it needs to go because I am literally uncomfortable from it (it is all concentrated in my middle, I actually look preggers!) and I know the distribution of the added weight is bad for my health, but I will sensibly work on it, no crash diets. If I can quit smoking I can lose the weight, or do anything else I know I need to do, so I’m “saddling up” and getting back on the trail. Thank you, Polly, and everyone else here at LF–this has just been a detour but I’m back on the path to healing. ((((Hugs)))))
I want to add an opinion about anti depressants. I do this only as some people here may need to consider them as part of their options for health. My mom was an RN, and I heard the opinion that one could become suicidal on anti depresants (and this was about the first generation tricyclic antidepressants) spoken often in our house.
I believe there are many causes of depression; serotonin re- uptake being one cause, which is what the new class of anti-depressants target.
with the help of a very good doctor I tried several SSRIs a few years ago. I had tired a full complement of herbs and vitamins, acupuncture, exercise, talk therapy, etc. and i wasn’t getting anywhere. I am so sensitive to these drugs that I hallucinated, had EVERY side effect that most of them (we tried out 7) said would happen only in the smallest percentage of the population, etc.
I was VERY careful with them – monitoring my thoughts, moods and responses. Could never even get up to the lowest dosage. If I had less knowledge, and a less involved doctor, I might have been at risk for suicide, but not because i suddenly had the energy to get off the couch, but because they fucked with my chemistry. badly.
I have been following the reputation of Paxil for quite a while. I know a young man who had a psychotic break on Paxil and almost killed a family of three – close friends of mine, who i nursed for several months after he attacked them with a butcher knife.
I lost a good friend to suicide – on Paxil. It wasn’t because he it wasn’t the RIGHT drug for his illness, and he wasn’t armed with information, and a good doctor.
There are many cases – my own grandfather – I suspect he hung himself in response to an anti depressant brain scramble.
Sometimes they are just THE WRONG DRUGS.
one step.
One step,
I’ve been through a few rounds of anti-depressants in my life, and haven’t found them very helpful. Recently, I asked my doctor for a prescription to Citalopram, which is a cheap version of Lexipro. Though it wasn’t horrible, I really didn’t find it helpful either. It messed with my sleep patterns and then there were the sexual side effects. I just took myself off them. I don’t feel any worse for it. All things being equal, I’d rather not put stuff in my body that messes with my liver. But I know some people who swear by them and couldn’t function without them. The majority of my time in therapy has been without any medications, and I seemed to be making progress all by myself.
I think I am going to just use my savings/emergency fund to continue with the therapy. I was very angry about this at first, but I consider it an investment in myself. Some day I will have that trip to Jamaica. Some day.
Star – awesome re therapy money! i am just smiling 🙂 I think it is an investment too. a good one, with dividends.
i REALLY know that feeling of – ‘i just want a little bit of life’…it’s a bargaining thing for me. ahhhh, that means it’s probably a grief stage. Bingo!
I think it would be very helpful if i could package ‘playful obstinate 3 year-old mirrors’ and take 2 of THOSE everyday.
I wish that anti depressants had been a help to me. I just don’t think that seritonin re uptake is my problem. irish moodiness no doubt – or /and the drunken polish gene no doubt has some affect.
I am thinking that one of my big hurdles is really anxiety. bless that spathic bitch for showing me yet another reality. 🙂
now, if i could get someone to perscribe ATAVAN, i might be in business. LOL
It’s not like I haven’t already traveled a lot. I’ve lived and traveled around Europe for a year, have been to the Caribbean twice, to Hawaii, Mexico (several times), and Canada a few times. This is more than a lot of people. I don’t need to whine about Jamaica.
Star – i don’t remember, have you read the betrayal bond?
I am quite blown away by the Post Traumatic Stress list – I REALLY like how it breaks down stress responses into lists of charcteristics and possible therapy approaches (although I din’t find ‘ sending spath to france to be tried under napolanic law’ anywhere – although I think it might be a really good stategy for my long term mental health).
There are things i have always heard about trauma that don’t apply to me – and this list breaks it out into the things that DO apply. My trauma bond is VERY high (14 out of 16 – I suspect that may go down over time. It would be particularly high right now; the spath expereince is so fresh), trauma abstinence is fairly high (hidden behind growing up frugal), and the trauma blocking number is also relatively high (say hello to mr. emo. eating!)
what a great tool!
Star – where did you go in the caribbean?
one step lovers her some turquoise water!!!!!
One step, you are pretty funny. LOL I went to Cat Island once and to Dominica another time. Both were like paradise. Have you ever been? BTW, I only saw one cat on Cat Island.
Yes, I did read the betrayal bond, but didn’t do the exercises, as I just borrowed the book from the library. I don’t know where I am on the scale. I have actually forgotten most of what I read in all the self-help books but found them all very helpful at the time.
I will tell you that over the years, I have had many therapists of all different modalities. I’ve been rolfed, radixed, done scream therapy, NLP, years of aura cleansings, jin shin jitsu, therapeutic touch, cranial sacral, many types of massage, Reiki, all kinds of new age stuff, many months of intensive meditation, and attended many self-help workshops. The most helpful thing I’ve found is to learn to express my authentic self to a safe person, aka my last therapist. It is really the missing piece I have needed, because the core issue is trust. (Gotta love the edit function).
star – i will never add up all th emoney i’ve spent either. 🙂
wanna go inside now.
and be in nature.
and start this love affair with myself.
i have been using the suggestion of saying, ‘shut the fuck up’, to my yappy voices (spath spit in my head ALL over the place) she triggered the negativity i am capable of, AND planted a wee bit more. bitch.)
and i am having some moments of lovingness toward myself. fuck the rest of the world – this girl needs to love THIS GIRL.