Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call “Trista.” She tells her story of being dismissed with a shrug.
I met the man who has been my husband for 30 years in a language school. He was serious, but could be funny, a bit shy, but also had a way with words. He had beautiful eyes and lots of girls were in love with him. I was no exception, but it was me he chose to go out with.
The relationship soon took off and we were a pair. Those first days were good; I had no idea I was dealing with a sociopath. When I took him to meet my mother, however, when things were very serious between us, she said that she thought he needed some “help.” I dismissed it.
I did realize how quickly he took offense for the least of things, and how quick he was to respond with offensive words to other people. Soon after we married I started to see more and more of his temper, that other people called a “short fuse,” but it was still directed to others, not to me. My time would come.
Controlling the money
My S was very controlling with money, getting angry even if I bought him a present that he thought cost more than I could spend. He continued to control me through money for all those 30 years, never allowing me to go to the supermarket on my own, not giving me money to any expense, and having screaming fits if I did anything like taking the initiative of paying for a small cheap portrait of our infant daughter. My friends and family thought him “odd,” and because I was so afraid that some people would do or say the wrong thing near him and trigger a terrible scene, I started avoiding most of my friends. We lived on our own with our two small kids, and provided that I would not ask for money or invite people who could get him in a mood, life was sort of ok.
Church was another problem. As a Christian, I was used to church life and he was brought up in a Christian environment as well. However, we could not be in any church together. Something would happen, something the preacher said or that other people said would trigger his horrendous fits of rage. I used to be terrified in church, paying attention to where the sermon would lead in case it would touch some subject that he would find offensive. I remember real terror while in church, till the last time he stormed out of the building and verbally attacked the pastor at the door. I never went to church with him again, but I also could not go alone, in case he thought I did not think him fit to go to church. This would cause even more problems. In the end I gave up church altogether, but not my Christian faith.
Holidays on his own
In the middle of the 90’s he started going on holidays on his own, to countries in Europe. I was never invited, not thought of, as I stayed behind to look after the house and teenagers. I don’t believe that he had one minute of doubt about the propriety of a married man in his 50’s going to holidays alone every year. I decided not to say anything.
I was still very scared of confronting him about anything; his rages were severe and I was scared because his eyes would change to look like glass when he was angry. He would scream not to touch him, to get away from him and his eyes would go big and glazed. Once when he was driving, somehow something we said got him in one of his tempers and he drove with fury near getting on the pavement, and barely missing a lady and a child. My daughter was in the car with me and we both thought we would die as well. He had no control over himself. A bit later on he started breaking things, like the Christmas tree, ornaments, and also pushed me against a table, I bruised my ribs and had to go to the hospital next day.
He got a job as a teacher in a University. He can somehow give a good interview and charm others, he is intelligent and cultured. Later on, when they see the problems, it is usually too late. His boss has already commented on his “glazed eyes.”
In love with Poland
As part of this job, he got a trip to Poland. When he came back, he was a man completely taken by the Polish life and people, in such a way that I can only describe as sick. My house immediately became full of Polish ornaments, his friends became only Polish people, he became obsessed by them, in the same way he became obsessed in the past by other cultures like the South Americans, the Russians, the Orientals. He had “phases” when he only talked and walked around people of those cultures, now it was the Polish. I knew it well, but could not foresee a new developement: He “fell in love” with a Polish boy.
Read more: High-energy sociopaths – 5 reasons why they just keep pushing
I was away for some weeks visiting my family and when I came back there was something different about him. He had bought a mobile phone, was using it every minute, and hiding in the garden to talk. I also got an email he passed to this boy and it was a complete sop, an email a man writes to his girl. I got the phone number of the boy, went to talk to him, who was only 20 (my S is 57) and did not know about the situation; he had a girlfriend! It was in my S ‘s mind; he interpreted friendship for another thing. This boy was his former student.
The S in my life even said after being discovered that he needed the excitement and when I pointed out the absurdity of a 57 married man who is a grandfather chasing a 20 year old boy who is younger than his son or nephews, he simply said “he had no one for him,” meaning, “I did not have to account for my actions to his family, since he has none.” He continued to behave in the most shameless manner, telling our friends that he was in love with a boy and alienating our friends even further, telling his family that both him and my son had Polish people in their lives (because my son had had a Polish girlfriend). He even asked me why I thought that I was God’s will for him and not that boy. I was speechless.
Mask slipped
From them on I argued with him for two years about the impropriety of such things, the absurdity of it, but he denies having done anything. When I talked to the boy I was made aware that he had invited him for a weekend trip and I got it just in time. He tried to blame me for his actions and denies having done me any harm or the children. However, our family is in tatters and I have filed for divorce with the support of my children. I have seen a counselor, who also saw him and he told me to leave him and that he has been cheating on me all my life. This boy was not the first one, but now the mask has slipped. Interesting enough, other people have used that term to refer to him, my friend said she always saw him as having a mask; my brother said that “his plug fell.”
At the moment he is still denying the boy was more than friendship, even after the fact that he took our wedding ring off and told me he was not married to me, didn’t want me, didn’t love me, and cried like a baby for this boy. I have all the evidence; he still denies it and makes me feel I’m somehow to blame. For two years I went nearly crazy because of his faulty logic, his coldness, his shameless deeds. He still denies that he has done wrong.
He has no remorse, no thought of me or the children about it all; he considers himself a good Christian who goes to church every Sunday but never learns anything. He said that when he did it (about the boy) I never entered his mind.
I’m now nearly divorced and have nothing else to do with him. He is still involved with the Polish, and is dressing up as a 20 year old himself, walking with groups of young people. My son is ashamed of him and my daughter says she hardly knows him. He couldn’t care less for me, his wife of 30 years. I was dismissed with a shrug.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The most important one-liner you will ever hear
hi spirit40,
You’ve made a very good point! And you answered the question of your 1st sentence with your last. They CAN fool anyone, and I believe the smart ones learn how to manipulate more. After I outed my spath to some of his friends, he acted like it was merely a nuisance and was pissed I did it, but he said, “You just made it easier.” I was horrified because I realized what he was saying, and I said “No I didn’t!” He said, “Yes, you did.” It had been my intention to make it harder. I think this is why now on facebook he is playing the perfect boyfriend, since that is where I outed him. Another example of how they get “better” at their Spath Show: I gave him a book that I had read as well, and the author stresses throughout the book that it’s important for both partners to feel safe with one another. After he read it he said, “The worst thing you ever did was give me this book.” Again, I was horrified and I asked him if he were going to use it to manipulate me, and he said, “No, I’m just going to tease you.” Yet, I KNEW that was a lie and shortly thereafter he proved me right. He told me one evening that he wanted me to feel safe with him. Hours later, when he showed up at my house, I found the evidence that he had been cheating again. It really IS almost unfathomable how brutally cruel these people are. I think this is what many of us have a difficult time with. The experience almost has an UNREAL quality to it. Do you know what I mean? Also, Spirit, I found something else interesting that you had said: who would want…toothless, no license, no job? Of the many things that should have been red flags for me is that I found out he was lying about his age, but he came up with a clever story as to why. Also, at age 38, he was living in an artist space instead of a real apartment. The shower/bathroom was even down the hall. Now, this was a man who graduated college at U of Chicago, which is basically the ivy league of the midwest, and then went to grad school at Harvard. It’s been verified, by the way, so I know that is true. Anyway, at the time he was in an entry level computer job, well below what his intelligence level suggests. He has since been fired from that job and is still unemployed. I also noticed a couple of times, early on, that he showed up disheveled with greasy hair and seemed not to be clean. It was really odd. Spaths are so weird.
I think I am liking this “Spath Show” thing I made up, to denote all the lovely behaviors of the spaths. I am feeling very witty. 😀
Spirit – I told mine that too – he would just shrug. He made out the cause of problems in the relationship was my ‘anger’. I don’t accept that. The anger was more than justified for what he did.
Similar to others who have posted – I too ignored my intuition. I couldn’t put into words what was bothering me and I thought he had to hit me for me to leave and see him as the bad man he was. That’s what really bothers me now – why did I have it in my mind that emotional and psychological abuse was just to be tolerated but physical was the deal breaker??? I felt I didn’t have justification to leave him even though he was making me desperately unhappy. Finally I came to my senses and realised … he could be a very bad man without ever laying a finger on me and what he was doing was enough by itself to justify my leaving.
Like you ladies – mine also had the boyish charm and the ‘let’s have fun’ attitude in the beginning. I think this is an important attractor for us and something we need to look at. Sandra’s book also highlights that women who end up with these men are overly responsible – that was definitely me so now I am thinking carefully about how I can bring fun into my own life and lessen the seriousness of it all. His ‘fun’ ended up being very costly for me – he took nothing seriously and followed his impulses regardless of the consequences to me or anyone else.
My ex is also on a smear campaign … but I have no concrete proof. I’d love to take him for defamation of character – that is definitely what he is doing. But who would stand up as a witness for me? He has won everyone over with his charm and nobody would believe my side of things.
Polly,
“Why did I have it in my mind that emotional and psychological abuse was just to be tolerated but the physical was the deal breaker?”
I think that maybe this might be so because so often, at least at first, the emotional stuff is SO VERY SUBTLE. And these guys are good at it, cuz they’ve had lots of practice to hone their shifty skills. With physical abuse, we FEEL it concretely. We don’t have to wonder if we’ve been punched in the noggin. We just know it! I think that the emotional abuse as part of the Spath Show is very different in nature. It’s easy to wonder, “Did he mean what he said that way? Maybe I’m taking it the wrong way.” “Did he really say that or am I remembering it wrong?” And so on and so forth. Do you think this sounds right?
Hopeful~
Absolutely Hopeful – absolutely. I was always being ‘too sensitive’ or he would apologise when he really went over the mark saying ‘Work is stressful’ or something like that. There was always an excuse and usually the problem was ‘my perception’ – that’s where the ignoring your gut comes in. Now if I pick up that someone is attempting to fly under the radar – I name what they are doing and walk away. If they can’t see the abuse they are levelling at me then that is their problem – I won’t be there to make it my problem. I was too willing to accept the excuses and his perception and spin on things. I should have walked years ago. The other thing he would do lots was simply deny it – ‘I never said that’ or ‘No I am not in a bad mood’. It is really crazymaking!!!!
I also questioned myself – normal people have self doubt .The sociopath has none at all. That is not normal. And you’re right about it being very subtle – how do you prove a frosty look when there is no witness? I desperately wished for a witness – then I would have had proof of what he was doing and could have left earlier.
They are incredibly manipulative and skilled at covert abuse. I can’t believe how good he was at it – he had me blaming myself for everything going wrong in the relationship. Somehow in every argument he managed to walk away as the wounded party when the truth was he was the aggressor and I was the wounded one. It makes me so mad to think about it all – he almost got away with murder!
hi Polly,
Yep! The crazymaking is the worst! I remember getting back together 3 months after we had broken up and he mentioned me “outing” him to his friends. He told me, “See, and you wonder why I wonder about our relationship.” I NEVER acted like a nut in the relationship at all. And he said this to me not acknowledging that his very behavior destroyed the relationship, destroyed my sanity and trust. I pointed out to him that perhaps another woman would have destroyed his place and computer when she found out. Perhaps she’d get someone after him, like her father or brothers, or even try to kill him. I simply got on facebook and outed him to people I thought should know, since he was actually manipulating both men and women. Then I walked away. Like me, now you can start NOT blaming yourself for anything that transpired. It was all just one continuous mind-f**k. And I believe they ENJOY it, too–watching us doubt ourselves, cry and get frustrated, do mental gymnastics to try and communicate better with them….they enjoy watching the mental torture they inflict. It’s all laughable to them. We’re merely props in their sick play…..Ladies and Gentleman, I now give you,,,,,Spath Show! hehehehe I know. Funny, but not.
Mind F–k, yeah he would tell me you can’t even hold a conversation… why would I want to converse with someone who would just twist and screw with my words…my feelings my beliefs??? take them on as his own… I will save my conversation for someone who is worthy of my actual thoughts and feelings.. someone who actually feels for people not ones who smell weakness and prey on others like the sick twisted sadistic fuckers that they are.. 48 hours today had some spaths on but not once did they mention it one man a plastic surgeon.. got his gf addicted to shooting up oxycontin and then she died..the sick twisted fucker video taped them since it enhanced sex ( the drugs) you could tell this guy was lieing through his teeth…I forget the sentence but it was bullshit cause they could not prove he shot her up???? and no mention of his obvious personality disorder just that he was callous ?? uggghhhhhhh..sick and twisted also..
anyhow my study break is over ….some tea and reading ..nite
Agree the mind f***s were bad. Crazy! He also accused me of poor communication – of provoking arguments and dragging up ancient history whenever I tried to talk with him about what was going on.
I agree they enjoy it – they love seeing us tangle ourselves up in trying to figure them out and help them.
Wow…intuition…
I was on my HONEYMOON when I looked at him and said to myself, “OMG, what did I just do…??” and then I suppressed it, not wanting to question my own judgement…and mess up my new marriage…
Wish I had run then ‘cuz it was 14 years of a lot of misery after that and now I am being “punished” for finally getting out…
I have written a note in response to his “punishments” that I will never send but it spells it out clearly:
I call it Closure…
I choose to not reconcile with you again because I am on my way to being very healthy and you no longer have power over me. I choose to be free of the burdens you kept in my life and I choose to be free of the abuse that you heaped on me. You can’t hurt me anymore.
I am no longer going to be the vehicle onto which you project your insecurities and inadequacies. I see now that you accuse me of cheating, cruelty and abusiveness as these are your shortcomings, not mine – and I believe that you are the weak one, you are the unhealthy one, and you choose not to be or simply cannot be healthy. That is why you were committed, not me. That is why the children choose to be with me, not you.
God is helping me, don’t you worry. I am on my way to becoming a complete person – without anger, without burdens, without weakness and most and best of all, without you.
Awesome Myboys – that’s quite an affirmative and strong statement there – you have turned your situation around really quickly. Hooray for you! I have written letters and emails never sent – they’re important because they allow us to release what needs to come up.
You are spot on about them projecting onto us their own failings – my ex used to say I was an angry person … no it was him who was angry and refused to admit it. He had a wellspring of anger simmering just below the surface that others couldn’t see. Boy it came out at me though – stubborn passive aggressive behaviour all t he time – asking him to do anything just wasn’t worth the effort – it was always treated like a monumental task and that he was doing me a personal favor. It is so draining to live with someone like that – everything is a major hassle – even things for himself. I am so glad he is out of my life now. Like you I spent more than a decade in that hell. Rejoice because we are free!!!