Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call “Trista.” She tells her story of being dismissed with a shrug.
![](https://lovefraud.com/wp-content/uploads/Letrs-to-Lovefraud-300x200-V2.jpg)
I met the man who has been my husband for 30 years in a language school. He was serious, but could be funny, a bit shy, but also had a way with words. He had beautiful eyes and lots of girls were in love with him. I was no exception, but it was me he chose to go out with.
The relationship soon took off and we were a pair. Those first days were good; I had no idea I was dealing with a sociopath. When I took him to meet my mother, however, when things were very serious between us, she said that she thought he needed some “help.” I dismissed it.
I did realize how quickly he took offense for the least of things, and how quick he was to respond with offensive words to other people. Soon after we married I started to see more and more of his temper, that other people called a “short fuse,” but it was still directed to others, not to me. My time would come.
Controlling the money
My S was very controlling with money, getting angry even if I bought him a present that he thought cost more than I could spend. He continued to control me through money for all those 30 years, never allowing me to go to the supermarket on my own, not giving me money to any expense, and having screaming fits if I did anything like taking the initiative of paying for a small cheap portrait of our infant daughter. My friends and family thought him “odd,” and because I was so afraid that some people would do or say the wrong thing near him and trigger a terrible scene, I started avoiding most of my friends. We lived on our own with our two small kids, and provided that I would not ask for money or invite people who could get him in a mood, life was sort of ok.
Church was another problem. As a Christian, I was used to church life and he was brought up in a Christian environment as well. However, we could not be in any church together. Something would happen, something the preacher said or that other people said would trigger his horrendous fits of rage. I used to be terrified in church, paying attention to where the sermon would lead in case it would touch some subject that he would find offensive. I remember real terror while in church, till the last time he stormed out of the building and verbally attacked the pastor at the door. I never went to church with him again, but I also could not go alone, in case he thought I did not think him fit to go to church. This would cause even more problems. In the end I gave up church altogether, but not my Christian faith.
Holidays on his own
In the middle of the 90’s he started going on holidays on his own, to countries in Europe. I was never invited, not thought of, as I stayed behind to look after the house and teenagers. I don’t believe that he had one minute of doubt about the propriety of a married man in his 50’s going to holidays alone every year. I decided not to say anything.
I was still very scared of confronting him about anything; his rages were severe and I was scared because his eyes would change to look like glass when he was angry. He would scream not to touch him, to get away from him and his eyes would go big and glazed. Once when he was driving, somehow something we said got him in one of his tempers and he drove with fury near getting on the pavement, and barely missing a lady and a child. My daughter was in the car with me and we both thought we would die as well. He had no control over himself. A bit later on he started breaking things, like the Christmas tree, ornaments, and also pushed me against a table, I bruised my ribs and had to go to the hospital next day.
He got a job as a teacher in a University. He can somehow give a good interview and charm others, he is intelligent and cultured. Later on, when they see the problems, it is usually too late. His boss has already commented on his “glazed eyes.”
In love with Poland
As part of this job, he got a trip to Poland. When he came back, he was a man completely taken by the Polish life and people, in such a way that I can only describe as sick. My house immediately became full of Polish ornaments, his friends became only Polish people, he became obsessed by them, in the same way he became obsessed in the past by other cultures like the South Americans, the Russians, the Orientals. He had “phases” when he only talked and walked around people of those cultures, now it was the Polish. I knew it well, but could not foresee a new developement: He “fell in love” with a Polish boy.
Read more: High-energy sociopaths – 5 reasons why they just keep pushing
I was away for some weeks visiting my family and when I came back there was something different about him. He had bought a mobile phone, was using it every minute, and hiding in the garden to talk. I also got an email he passed to this boy and it was a complete sop, an email a man writes to his girl. I got the phone number of the boy, went to talk to him, who was only 20 (my S is 57) and did not know about the situation; he had a girlfriend! It was in my S ‘s mind; he interpreted friendship for another thing. This boy was his former student.
The S in my life even said after being discovered that he needed the excitement and when I pointed out the absurdity of a 57 married man who is a grandfather chasing a 20 year old boy who is younger than his son or nephews, he simply said “he had no one for him,” meaning, “I did not have to account for my actions to his family, since he has none.” He continued to behave in the most shameless manner, telling our friends that he was in love with a boy and alienating our friends even further, telling his family that both him and my son had Polish people in their lives (because my son had had a Polish girlfriend). He even asked me why I thought that I was God’s will for him and not that boy. I was speechless.
Mask slipped
From them on I argued with him for two years about the impropriety of such things, the absurdity of it, but he denies having done anything. When I talked to the boy I was made aware that he had invited him for a weekend trip and I got it just in time. He tried to blame me for his actions and denies having done me any harm or the children. However, our family is in tatters and I have filed for divorce with the support of my children. I have seen a counselor, who also saw him and he told me to leave him and that he has been cheating on me all my life. This boy was not the first one, but now the mask has slipped. Interesting enough, other people have used that term to refer to him, my friend said she always saw him as having a mask; my brother said that “his plug fell.”
At the moment he is still denying the boy was more than friendship, even after the fact that he took our wedding ring off and told me he was not married to me, didn’t want me, didn’t love me, and cried like a baby for this boy. I have all the evidence; he still denies it and makes me feel I’m somehow to blame. For two years I went nearly crazy because of his faulty logic, his coldness, his shameless deeds. He still denies that he has done wrong.
He has no remorse, no thought of me or the children about it all; he considers himself a good Christian who goes to church every Sunday but never learns anything. He said that when he did it (about the boy) I never entered his mind.
I’m now nearly divorced and have nothing else to do with him. He is still involved with the Polish, and is dressing up as a 20 year old himself, walking with groups of young people. My son is ashamed of him and my daughter says she hardly knows him. He couldn’t care less for me, his wife of 30 years. I was dismissed with a shrug.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Dear ZEN,
“I don’t know where to turn….”
RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN! As fast and as far away from this creep as you can get!!! That is your AH HA!!!! wake up coming from your gut instincts as the RED FLAGS wave around your head, flapping you in the face til your nose bleeds and your eyelids peel off.
Thhis man does NOT respect you:
Read back through your post to me and find ONE THING that shows love or respect from him to you.
Then read how SELF DOUBTFUL YOU ARE—LISTEN TO YOURSELF! You got it! Dump this creep. Don’t stay with anyone who accuses you of character disorders, and don’t second guess yourself on this. Don’t stay with anyone who is sarcastically nasty to you.
You don’t deserve to be treated with disrespect, but we have gotten used to it, expected it, gotten to where we don’t even NOTICE it, or felt we didn’t deserve better. Well, NEWS FLASH!
I DESERVE BETTER.
I WILL LISTEN TO MY GUT AND INTUITION
I WILL NOT TOLERATE ABUSE OR DISRESPECT
I WILL EXPECT OTHERS TO TREAT ME AS WELL AS I TREAT THEM.
Dear Muldoon,
I realize that you have decided to stay with him for “survival” and it is YOUR choice to stay with a man you believe is psychopath, one that has been physically abusive to you in the past, and who has behaved sexually inappropriately in front of your young children in the past. You also know that he will not change his behavior.
Would I make that same choice to stay with a man like that? Probably not NOW that I know as much about psychopaths as I do. However, there was a time I felt that I was “controlling” my psychopathic son, when in reality, he was STILL controlling me. I was the one who THOUGHT I was in control, but I was ignorant of what was really going on. I was deluding myself, so NOW I choose to NOT associate with anyone that I know is dishonest, and I do not attempt to manipulate someone I suspect is a psychopath, with the exception that I AM legally protesting my Psychopathic son’s release on parole from prison.
I made up my mind that there is nothing, no amount of money, and nothing else, that will make me want to continue to associate with psychopaths. But for EACH of us, we know that there will be some COST to what we choose to do, and sometimes that COST to do what we prefer to do is WAY HIGH, but even though you have chosen to stay with him, I think your cost may be higher than you realize now. Already one of your daughters has gone off to live with her Dad rather than stay in the house with your current husband.
Sometimes, too, by the time I found out what the REAL cost was, I had already paid it and there was no way to recoup it again. I almost paid with my life. You are not alone though, Muldoon, you have lots of support here for whatever your choices are about your husband, whether you go or stay, there are people here who DO understand the difficulty and costs of whatever way you choose to go. (((Hugs)))))
Silver, I’m crying like a baby. I am so very touched by your wonderful, perfectly attuned gift to me. Last night I prayed for Angels.
I forgot how beautiful Walt Whitman was…I mean he absolutely must have been a beautiful human being to write so breathh-takingly…How huge his world must have been, and the love and acceptance of humanity.
There were a few stanza’s that i felt directly, here are two.:
Allons! we must not stop here!
However sweet these laid-up stores—however convenient this dwelling, we cannot remain here;
However shelter’d this port, and however calm these waters, we must not anchor here;
However welcome the hospitality that surrounds us, we are permitted to receive it but a little while.
Forever alive, forever forward, 190
Stately, solemn, sad, withdrawn, baffled, mad, turbulent, feeble, dissatisfied,
Desperate, proud, fond, sick, accepted by men, rejected by men,
They go! they go! I know that they go, but I know not where they go;
But I know that they go toward the best—toward something great.
Again, Silver, Thank-you. What a lovely gift. You’re my angel.
Silver, I’m reminded of this great tune, I had almost forgotten.
I think it speaks to all of us.
http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&aq=5&oq=Natlalie+merchant&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4TSHB_enUS338US343&q=natalie+merchant+wonder
Oxy, Aint that the truth! My whole life I’ve been seeking a rescuer, and when I found one, he took me hostage.
Yes, it’s time I faced my fears and became the best me I can be…kind of old, not too attractive, kind of un-skilled, a whole lot of baggage, a shit-load of mistakes and bad choices, but me, none the less, and mine…my life, by God….I do have some remarkable talents, and some incredible strenths, and it’s time I trusted myself.
I think I might go to the flea-market on Saturday and find me an old rusty skillet. Thanks, Ox. I’m feeling a lot better.
Dear Kim,
GREAT!!!!! Learning to trust ourselves, and to BE TRUSTWORTHY to ourselves I think is the big hurdle I have had to cross, and maybe others have as well.
I have not kept myself safe always, i have not always made good choices, and I have let myself get sidetracked and make bad choices and ended up like you said “being held hostage” to not taking CARE OF MYSELF. Sure, I tried to make up for my failure to take care of myself by taking care of others, and OMG LETTING THEM WALK ON ME!
ACCEPTING the truth of that NOT SO STERLING PICTURE of myself wasn’t easy, but I’m getting there, and I see that same growth in you.
It is KICK ASS TIME KIM, for you and me both! So, I’ll make you a deal, if you have a choice to make and you think I would hit you for making that coice, don’t do it! and If I think you would hit me with my own skillet for doing something really self defeating! Then I won’t do it either.
That way we will keep each other straight! The way Gem and I are “dieting” TOGETHER a half a world away! ((((hugs))))
And I promise not to WHINE when you BOINK ME!!!!! LOL ROTFLMAO ((((hugs))))
Kim-
Thank YOU. I love Natalie Merchant and that one is a beautiful anthem! I hope LOTS of people pick it up here!!!!!!
I’m feeling contemplative.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0U14o5iliM
So we found out today he is still legally married to someone else. My get out of hell free card.
Something snapped for me. He’s gone. Its ok. He won’t be back. He has other fish to fry.
I feel an eerie peace. Guess the adrenalin of the last couple weeks has worn off.
I’ve seen a glorious day…Aieee eee.
Next week I start EMDR so I will be thinking about rearchitecting my self and I see the spring ready to burst out all around.
As if I might be myself as tender as all that. I won’t ever be the same, but I wouldn’t have anyway no matter what had happened in the same time. So, now I am at the crossroad and the direction from here is up to me now.
Funny how big things in life that lead to this place happen in an instant? Now we know. And everything follows from that.
I have been given grace to wake up, find truth, my strength and faith. It was Divine Intervention that removed that gnarly thorn from me and whoosh. Gone in an instant!
Now its over. The restart is my program. This one is all about me. I’m mulling Kathleen Hawk’s beautiful words from another post:
There’s is nothing that you’ve done and nothing that’s been done to you that keeps you from starting over. But you do have to stop this trend. Because you won’t survive it.
You deserve better. You’re a valuable person. Whoever gets your love and caring should be a person gives love and caring back to you. If someone in your past trained you to believe that it was pointless or dangerous to ask for anything for yourself, that training is wrong. It doesn’t support your survival, your happiness or your ability to create a life that means something.
If you don’t know how to do that, if your background didn’t teach you that you are valuable, and that you have rights and entitlements, and that you deserve to be treated with respect and compassion, that’s a good reason to be in therapy. But it’s also a good reason to stay out of relationships until you are better at taking care of yourself.
Kinda weird sittin here thinking about now in a tired, but contemplative kind of way…..But I can smell the new grass and it invites breathing deeper and deeper.
K= as a footnote- interesting you made that prayer on the Green day….
Do you know the Prayer of St Patrick?
I think it happens here all the time…….
Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, and in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.
Oxy
thank you. it’s odd really I thought I was going to a place where we could have a good life together. I moved across country to be with him and I was told I was going to work at his office this was confirmed many, many times over many months. I got here and guess what? I am not working and I’ve been here 9 months. I can’t find a job outside the home due to what it would do to my tax situation.. I was supposed to work for him gratis and he pay me thru living expenses. I am paying half the rent here and the utilities. He is paying most the food and gives me $ occasionally for utilities.
He thinks hes good to me or at least thats what he says. His idea of being good to me is not bringing problems home from his office and taking me out to dinner. He has zero intention of removing himself from his ex, he doesn’t care that it upsets me. Worse is that he pays her cell bill, pays for her gym membership, she has full access to his office day and night (she will use the computers and crash there at night occasionally) Funny he despised one of my friends bc she so disliked him. I wound up dropping her out of respect for him. Of course it’s not reciprocal. I have to stay here till my lease runs out. (I am the lease holder) I cannot leave till then. I cannot afford to pay out the lease on my own. I dont know what I am going to tell him about leaving it will be very very ugly. 🙁
Dear Zen,
Youu know, if you look at this, it is like you have “signed a contract” to be an INDENTURED SERVANT to this person.
You signed an “illegal contract” because really slavery/indenture have been outlawed her for a number of decades. He promised you one thing, but delivered another, and because you signed the lease for the place, have it in your name, you are STUCK.
HOWEVER—maybe not. I’m not sure how much money is involved, and whether or not you are supposedly “in lovej with” and/or sleeping with this clown, but even though the lease is in your name, right now with the RE market being what it is and peopole not being able to afford their mortage payments and or lease payments, and you don’t have a job anyway, WHAT’S HOLDING you back?
I would contact an attorney and get the hell out of dodge. The attorney may be able to find a way to get you off the hook for the lease. Just as it is Muldoon’s choice about staying with the abusive SOB she is married to for “survival” it is YOUR choice to stay through the lease with this guy or not.
Is it 1 day or 1 year or 1 decade lease? What are you WILLING TO PAY in the way of COSTS? We can’t DEAL WITH these TOXIC PEOPLE WITHOUT A PRICE TO PAY, it may be in our sanity, our mental or sexual health, our very lives them selves.
Did you read about Dr. Leedom being one ofj the hundreds of young women that the serial killer photographed when she was 17? She dodged a BULLET by HOW FAR? He had already killed 3 young women at least and shortly after that photo of Liane he took, killed the next one?
Did I ever think my P-son would try to have me killed, would play ahead by months or years olf a scheme to get a TROJAN HORSE PSYCHOPATH into my home and trust for the purpose of controlling my entire family? Sounds pretty way out doesn’ty it.
HOW ABOUT THAT “CLARK ROCKEFELLER?” Sounds like a freaking movie plot doesn’t it? A bad one at that!
I bet those people in California that he probablly killed (he stole their truck and drove it cross country and one of them was found buried in the yard of their house and they “disappeared”) never thought for one minute that some insane German would kill them and bury them in their yard and no one would even miss them for 25 years? DUH!
There is a COST to even being close to these people and sometimes it is VERY HIGH. I had to make the decision to stay here and guard my “stuff” or get the hell out of my own house and HIDE. I am glad I ran and HID, it cost me about 1/3 of my liquid assets, but guess what—in the meantime, the bad guys went to jail and I’m still ALIVE! Cost vs. Benefit? Think about it. And, yes, I’m paranoid….but doesn’t mean I didn’t dodge a bullet as surely as Liane did.
As far as what to “tell him?” I would not tell him anything, I’d just talk to the lawyer and see what he./she recommends, maybe a sub let or just evict him and or take off and go somewhere else after your lawyer contacts the lease holder.
Go to sleep at night in the same house with him? I wouldn’t, but it is your choice….I don’t think you are crazy, I think you are intuitive but what YOU DO with that intuition is up to you. It is YOUR choice. God bless.