Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call “Trista.” She tells her story of being dismissed with a shrug.
I met the man who has been my husband for 30 years in a language school. He was serious, but could be funny, a bit shy, but also had a way with words. He had beautiful eyes and lots of girls were in love with him. I was no exception, but it was me he chose to go out with.
The relationship soon took off and we were a pair. Those first days were good; I had no idea I was dealing with a sociopath. When I took him to meet my mother, however, when things were very serious between us, she said that she thought he needed some “help.” I dismissed it.
I did realize how quickly he took offense for the least of things, and how quick he was to respond with offensive words to other people. Soon after we married I started to see more and more of his temper, that other people called a “short fuse,” but it was still directed to others, not to me. My time would come.
Controlling the money
My S was very controlling with money, getting angry even if I bought him a present that he thought cost more than I could spend. He continued to control me through money for all those 30 years, never allowing me to go to the supermarket on my own, not giving me money to any expense, and having screaming fits if I did anything like taking the initiative of paying for a small cheap portrait of our infant daughter. My friends and family thought him “odd,” and because I was so afraid that some people would do or say the wrong thing near him and trigger a terrible scene, I started avoiding most of my friends. We lived on our own with our two small kids, and provided that I would not ask for money or invite people who could get him in a mood, life was sort of ok.
Church was another problem. As a Christian, I was used to church life and he was brought up in a Christian environment as well. However, we could not be in any church together. Something would happen, something the preacher said or that other people said would trigger his horrendous fits of rage. I used to be terrified in church, paying attention to where the sermon would lead in case it would touch some subject that he would find offensive. I remember real terror while in church, till the last time he stormed out of the building and verbally attacked the pastor at the door. I never went to church with him again, but I also could not go alone, in case he thought I did not think him fit to go to church. This would cause even more problems. In the end I gave up church altogether, but not my Christian faith.
Holidays on his own
In the middle of the 90’s he started going on holidays on his own, to countries in Europe. I was never invited, not thought of, as I stayed behind to look after the house and teenagers. I don’t believe that he had one minute of doubt about the propriety of a married man in his 50’s going to holidays alone every year. I decided not to say anything.
I was still very scared of confronting him about anything; his rages were severe and I was scared because his eyes would change to look like glass when he was angry. He would scream not to touch him, to get away from him and his eyes would go big and glazed. Once when he was driving, somehow something we said got him in one of his tempers and he drove with fury near getting on the pavement, and barely missing a lady and a child. My daughter was in the car with me and we both thought we would die as well. He had no control over himself. A bit later on he started breaking things, like the Christmas tree, ornaments, and also pushed me against a table, I bruised my ribs and had to go to the hospital next day.
He got a job as a teacher in a University. He can somehow give a good interview and charm others, he is intelligent and cultured. Later on, when they see the problems, it is usually too late. His boss has already commented on his “glazed eyes.”
In love with Poland
As part of this job, he got a trip to Poland. When he came back, he was a man completely taken by the Polish life and people, in such a way that I can only describe as sick. My house immediately became full of Polish ornaments, his friends became only Polish people, he became obsessed by them, in the same way he became obsessed in the past by other cultures like the South Americans, the Russians, the Orientals. He had “phases” when he only talked and walked around people of those cultures, now it was the Polish. I knew it well, but could not foresee a new developement: He “fell in love” with a Polish boy.
Read more: High-energy sociopaths – 5 reasons why they just keep pushing
I was away for some weeks visiting my family and when I came back there was something different about him. He had bought a mobile phone, was using it every minute, and hiding in the garden to talk. I also got an email he passed to this boy and it was a complete sop, an email a man writes to his girl. I got the phone number of the boy, went to talk to him, who was only 20 (my S is 57) and did not know about the situation; he had a girlfriend! It was in my S ‘s mind; he interpreted friendship for another thing. This boy was his former student.
The S in my life even said after being discovered that he needed the excitement and when I pointed out the absurdity of a 57 married man who is a grandfather chasing a 20 year old boy who is younger than his son or nephews, he simply said “he had no one for him,” meaning, “I did not have to account for my actions to his family, since he has none.” He continued to behave in the most shameless manner, telling our friends that he was in love with a boy and alienating our friends even further, telling his family that both him and my son had Polish people in their lives (because my son had had a Polish girlfriend). He even asked me why I thought that I was God’s will for him and not that boy. I was speechless.
Mask slipped
From them on I argued with him for two years about the impropriety of such things, the absurdity of it, but he denies having done anything. When I talked to the boy I was made aware that he had invited him for a weekend trip and I got it just in time. He tried to blame me for his actions and denies having done me any harm or the children. However, our family is in tatters and I have filed for divorce with the support of my children. I have seen a counselor, who also saw him and he told me to leave him and that he has been cheating on me all my life. This boy was not the first one, but now the mask has slipped. Interesting enough, other people have used that term to refer to him, my friend said she always saw him as having a mask; my brother said that “his plug fell.”
At the moment he is still denying the boy was more than friendship, even after the fact that he took our wedding ring off and told me he was not married to me, didn’t want me, didn’t love me, and cried like a baby for this boy. I have all the evidence; he still denies it and makes me feel I’m somehow to blame. For two years I went nearly crazy because of his faulty logic, his coldness, his shameless deeds. He still denies that he has done wrong.
He has no remorse, no thought of me or the children about it all; he considers himself a good Christian who goes to church every Sunday but never learns anything. He said that when he did it (about the boy) I never entered his mind.
I’m now nearly divorced and have nothing else to do with him. He is still involved with the Polish, and is dressing up as a 20 year old himself, walking with groups of young people. My son is ashamed of him and my daughter says she hardly knows him. He couldn’t care less for me, his wife of 30 years. I was dismissed with a shrug.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The most important one-liner you will ever hear
ErinBrock
THAT IS GREAT that your daughter recognized it and brought it to your attention. She ‘get’s it’. half the battle is finding people that ‘get it’ and dont ‘shun’ you….
I was ‘spooked’ by the SND…..I have it on CD and I listen to it often and loan it out…I think it should be required listening/reading…..just like in your daughters class.
Other books too…..but all should be educated on the topic!
Kudos to that teacher!
We just never know when we touch and make a difference in others lives…..
WHODATHUNK?
Today i got a call from a CC co. I’m settleing with…..they must be desparate….its’s SUNDAY…..anyways….anytime I can talk about the Cluster B’s I do…..and creditors calling is NO EXCEPTION…..since it applies…..between my medical crisis and divorcing an S simultaniously….Bills went unpaid….(you know the routine i’m sure)….
So…..since I’m delinquent and trying to work on a settlement they all ask WHY my financial situation is as such……and I LAY IT ON EM.
Then about an hour later…..at the end of the conversation, business taken care of…..I ask for one thing from them……ofcourse they are more than accomodating to me now…..and I request they go home and in their spare time….google SOCIOPATHIC BEHAVIORS…..they owe it to themselves to be aware…..because I guarentee you…. Your life has been ‘touched’ by a CLuster B……and you never knew how to describe it…..
Interest provoked!
I think it’s so important and life changing to know about these disorders…..because they ARE all around us.
Good for your daughter…..good for her teacher…..AND good for you for being a willing ‘student’.
miss k
I find comfort in this….
“Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a
man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7 KJV)
miss k
and these:”For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap
the whirlwind:” (Hosea 8:7a KJV)
” . . . He which soweth sparingly shall reap also
sparingly; and he which soweth bountifiully shall
reap also bountifully.” (2 Corinthians 9:6 KJV)
” . . they that plow iniquity, and sow wickedness,
reap the same.” (Job 4:8 KJV)
miss k
I just have real trouble with the “forgive and forget” part
miss k
Thanks. I am proud of you for educating people too. And you are so right….They are out there. They live among us.
ErinBrock
Oh Girl….there is so much to be done prior to that phase…..I’m not even sure it’s a phase….I think maybe more of an experience…..
I wrestle with even the thought of forgiveness……NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THERE YET…..and not even convinced I will reach it…..who knows…..But I do know never to discount anything….so many twists and turns….and really…..knowledge and time has been a healer…..
With the roller coaster ride I have been on the past 3+ years…..I now know…..I HAVE NO IDEA what lays ahead.
Just allow the processing and familiarize yourself with you…..each step/each persons journey is different yet similar…..but it all takes time!
I’ts like a Janga puzzle…..
lightsaber
miss k – i started crying too after reading your reply to me. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. I feel like I should carry a bucket around with me for all the tears and kleenex.
This is very comforting to me as well:
“Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a
man soweth, that shall he also reap.”
It’s true.
When all they have in them is wickedness, what else CAN they experience for themselves, except wickedness.
Like others have said, it is a journey we all go through the stages in our own way, but there are stages and we are here for each other as support. Sometimes we go back and forth too in the stages. That’s normal as well. I’ve been crying and crying this week and mourning. I could barely move around, I’ve been so wieghed downed, I feel like I’m walking through quicksand. My sleep has been so screwed up for the longest time as well with PTSD, but the other night I slept for 16 hours – in a row!! I was THAT tired. I went to bed at 8:30 pm because I was barely able to move, and didn’t wake up until 12:30 the next afternoon. I needed that sleep.
We all have to take of our needs now.
And you know, sometimes they DO get what they deserve. I was feeling really angry this weekend because I got an unexpected bill sent to me that was for something the ex Spath was suppose to have swiched in his name when I left and we split all combined expenses left over on our place we shared. He incurred 2 months of expenses there that should have been in his name and SOMEHOW the swine was able to take off into the wild blue yonder and now I am stuck with HIS bill. I was furious. Spitting nails furious at his outrageous gall.
I’ve been NC with him since just after I left and so I have no outlet to leash my fury. Even so, I swore when I saw it and then I started going around with this mantra in my head.
You know the saying, “Give him enough rope and he’ll hang himself.”? Well, that’s what’s been going through my head over and over “Give him enough rope…just give him enough rope…give him enough rope.” I like this doubley because it reminded me of all the times he told me to cut him some slack. F**KING BASTARD.*ahem*
Anyway, so he’s been on a smear campaign against me as well as trolling for a fan club (dupes & sock puppets to his delusional narcissistic game) and future sociopathic love-con victims all online.
So far the pity party and mr. sensitive and charming has been drawing in quite a crowd. But, this weekend finally, FINALLY!!!! someone saw through his charade. I loved it. I loved every single second of reading a guy tear him a new one. And BOY did he see everything he does. The guy who confronted him must know NLP or something because he honed in on every deceitful and twisted, vague, screwed up thing he does in the way he writes.
It was sweet.
Even if most people are still fooled. Even if I know he will charm some other unfortunate woman into his HELL, it’s still sweet seeing him exposed at least once.
sending you hugs
Ox Drover
Dear Polly and Gem,
Thanks to you both for coming to my “pity party” and I am getting so fat off all the snacks–I’m compulsively eating 24/7, night mares, and not sleeping much, I am going to call my doc tomorrow and see if she will okay me upping my AD dose. I think the winter time is part of what is making me on such a “crash and burn” lately….not being able to get my e mail either isn’t helping any as cuts off some of my contacts….but anyway, will call the server geeks tomorrow and get them to fix it. My son D’s was screwed up as well, and they fixed his but not apparently mine…so will get that taken care of then check out the 500+ e mails I have waiting I am sure. LOL
Gem, I may also end up friendless as well, since my standards for “friends” are so high, but frankly I don’t think “no lies” and “no thefts” and “no using” is “TOO HIGH” as most of the people I know who have “lots of friends” have a collection of using/abusing/trash for “friends” and I AM TIRED OF THAT KIND OF TRASH, tired to the BONE OF THAT KIND OF PERSON IN MY “CIRCLE OF TRUST.”
I realize too that the betrayal of trust by my son C has RIPPED the SCABS off every wound I ever had in my entire life, and there is a lot of pus down under there that I need to lance and drain the abscesses and get the “infection” out.
It is really good that I am HERE at my friend’s house and not somewhere else. She came in this morning and put a “smiley faced” yellow sticker on my arm and gave me a hug, didn’t say anything and then I hugged her and she laughed and said “I could have put it on your GLASSES you know!” LOL
She and I have been through so much together over the years, her son’s paralysis from a broken neck at age 15 (that’s how I met her, he was a patient of mine when I worked in Rehab) to My P-son’s problems and though we only lived close to each other for about 2-3 years in the 80s, we have been best friends even when we lived a half continent away, and visited each other, and “been there” for each other….I couldn’t ask for a better friend….she was, by the providence of God, there the day of my husband’s accident and stayed for nearly a month. Arranged his memorial service, was there for my step-father’s illness and death and been my strength…God has blessed me with ONE wonderful, caring, giving, friend that NO one has ever had a better friend than I have had. I wouldn’t trade my friendship with her to be as rich or successful as Bill Gates. She is my angel on this earth! She knows all about me and loves me ANYWAY! (((hugs))) to you guys and always my prayers. Oxy
lightsaber
I’m glad you’ve got a good friend with you Oxy (((hugs)))
witsend
Oxy,
I hope you will be able to get some sleep soon! I am missing you but I am glad that you are with your best friend. You need that right now. I wish you a wonderful time! A best friend that knows everything about us, including our shortcomings, and loves us anyways, is priceless.
Maybe we are the only ones still up at this hour?
Hugs to you….