UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Margie.” She was still in love with the jerk she met — even after learning he was a criminal.
One night I went to a bar by myself (but always knew someone there). I sat at the bar next to this lady I knew and started talking to her. Well Steve (my ex-sociopath—not his real name) was sitting next to her talking to her. I thought he was kind of cute so started flirting. He actually said to me that night, “I think I like you better,” like he had his sights on my friend first. He bought me a flower and all my drinks the rest of the night. Well that should have been my first and only red flag to run, but I didn’t! But stupid, naive me (never dealing with a sociopath before that is) fell for his good looks, as he was 6’1″, blond and blue eyes and had a football player’s body!
Well he told me he had to catch a bus in the morning to Fargo, ND to his mother’s house that he could not miss. I had NO idea he was just let out of prison! Well we proceeded to drink and get totally drunk that night and ended up at my cozy apartment that I lived in alone. The next morning we overslept and he missed his bus (which he should not have because he was to report to Fargo, ND to set up his parole!) and he wasn’t overly upset about it.
Read more: “Personality disorder” as an excuse for criminal behavior
So he stayed on at my house…the first couple of days I thought nothing of it but then I wondered, well, if you are not worried about getting to Fargo, why aren’t you finding a job then?! And at first he was so attentive — he would open the door for me — carry the groceries — cook and clean for me — etc — but was on the computer playing poker and needed his beer constantly like he hadn’t had it in years (which he hadn’t and I didn’t know that — yet!).
Well — finally — my snoopiness (detectiveness) got the best of me and I looked through his belongings in my car trunk. I found parole papers! And I thought — Oh my god! But I was already in Love (lust) with the jerk! So I thought, okay — he loves me — we can make this work — so what if he is on parole.
Stranded
So for awhile, I went to work at my waitress job and picked up beer daily and we drank daily. I relaxed while he sat on the computer playing poker and smoking his cigs and drinking his beer. (He was also emailing many other women I found out later after only being at my place a week!) We then took a weekend trip to North Dakota that turned into a week long trip of me being stranded with no money up there and having to pawn off my 1/3 carat diamond ring to get gas to get home with. Then there was the matter of having to straighten out the bad checks mess he had conned me into writing for beer, food, etc — while in North Dakota (Not to mention the two bar tables he conned out of a bar owner, one of which has his pic on it when he worked there in college)!
And let me add, while he was wooing me at the bar when I met him, he had told me things like he had been a professional football player in Canada. He said he was a college graduate from Jamestown, ND (which was true when I talked to his ex-wife on the phone once), and many, many other lies of great magnitude!
Anyway, we get back from ND and things resume — I am job hunting cause I lost my job at due to us not being able to make it back from being stranded up there! I get a waitress job at Denny’s restaurant then and keep working and coming home with beer (what an enabler I was for god’s sake!) and drinking. All the while he is wooing me with comments like, “I will love you till the end of the earth,” and still cooking for me, etc.
Drums up a story
Then one weekend he drums up the story that they called him from his old professional football team in Canada and they wanted him back and that he had to leave for the weekend (which was Labor Day weekend) for tryouts again. Well as stupid as I was, I believed him (sort of) BUT was beginning to wonder at this point. Well he said some woman was coming to pick him up for this trip — and that is when I KNEW something was not right! My gut said check into this! So anyhow, I had also bought him bottles of vodka besides the beer — he asked me to go get him a little bottle before he left. He claimed he really didn’t want to leave me. Well he even got to the point of being teary-eyed (which was probably all a act now that I think about it) when he was saying goodbye. He packed my 4 man tent with him, which I don’t know why, but he had a lie for that too! This all happened about 2 years ago so it’s getting a bit fuzzy now trying to recall everything.
But, I was alone — he was gone — I had my computer. I had been married to a computer network engineer and was not totally computer illiterate and had a college education (B.S. in Psychology with a Criminal Justice minor). I started pulling up web pages he had been too and somehow was able to recover his password by using my credit card to pay for a website he had been too. By luck it was the same password he had used for hotmail and yahoo and everything! Jackpot!
I read everything in and out and figured out where he went! He met a woman from Narcotics Anonymous in Iowa and went to a church camp retreat with her that Labor Day weekend! Well as good as I am with my detectiveness (lol), I called Narcotics Anonymous and got her phone number (cell even!) and called her and him up! I called and harassed them ALL weekend to the point she said she was going to call her lawyer — and I said DO IT! Cause I knew I had him! He was running from the law — but she had bought in to all his lies and was treating me like crap! Well I even called the cops to go get him arrested at this camp — but do you think the cops believed me! HELL NO — DO THEY EVER! So I guess I had to drop it at this point.
But about a month later I got a call from her and she said — “Okay — I believe you now. He just took off to get some stuff of his in North Dakota and he never came back with the rental car so I filed grand theft charges. Well I gave her all the info she needed to find him but told her she better drop the grand theft charges cause she might be liable somehow for letting him take the car that was in her name! She must have listened cause I never heard he was charged with that, but all my work paid off and he went back to prison for 8 months for being AWOL!
Still in love with the jerk
But it doesn’t end here — I was still in love with the jerk! I wrote to him in prison (90 miles away) and we started corresponding to the point I was hooked again. I sent him stuff, money, letters, and visited faithfully like any good woman (blindly in love) would do! I went as far as finding a house close to the prison when he got work release so he could come visit me every chance he got! Then when he got out of work release, he moved in with me for a bit but was determined to find his own place. That I thought was a dead giveaway — he did not care for me after all.
He was saying his parole officer told him he had to do this and that. But a lot of it did not make sense to me since the other people I was talking to about this said differently. I had many more doubts in my mind at this time! So he got his own little apartment and then I moved from my house to an apartment closer to his. We hung out and drank a lot more, but there were times he wanted me to leave. Geez — I am not that stupid when someone is trying to ditch me!
Married in 3 weeks
Anyway, my suspicions grew and I would check up on him all the time. And then he started to be more distant. Then one day around the end of October around Halloween — he all of a sudden quit coming over, quit calling, an absolute no show! No word from him ever again — he would not answer my phone calls and he was never home. I then found out later he met a woman on singlesnet online and married her within 3 weeks of meeting her! Well I then followed him home after work one night and figured out where he now lived and then saw him and her together and figured out what she drove. I then figured out where she worked and followed her home from work one day and told her this whole exact story! That is when she said, “Thanks — I think.” But I did have many emails and phone calls from his family during this duration and even his own mother and daughter said I was better off without him! If that isn’t a sociopath — I don’t know what is!
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 17, 2010.
10 reasons why sociopaths’ lies seem so believable
Ox D-
I can not imagine what you have been through and my heart goes out to the experiences while my intellect is greedily following everything you write to learn from it.
Would it not follow that they begin with the premise that they are so much smarter than everyone around them and therefore do not expect the stupid people to figure out their plan/story?
And that part of the plan is whatever goes wrong, they have someone else in the wings who is primed to feel sorry and rescue them?
I think I remember seeing in one of the Articles that what is characteristic of them is that they will panic, but not until they find themselves out of other options.
So, guess is as long as there is another Target or form of support somewhere in the bushes, its reasonable to assume that what you see is as calculating as it ever was.
The situation I can imagine which might provoke the aforementioned panic might be standing on the gallows platform with the bag over thier heads and the noose already tight, but up until that, I wouldn’t count on panic.
Interesting- mine claimed to be a world class mountain climber. Talk about No Fear!
I respected that and loved it because I did not know then that what it meant was that there was more to the story. Like the inability to love me and the inclination to lie, destruct and move on.
Well, I hear from him no more since going NC for two weeks and I can only believe that what is true is that his next target has already stepped up to feel pity for what I caused him because he “gave it all up” to love me.
Can I get a BIG “YEAH RIGHT!” from the community????
OxD! My Lordy! Now I am lookimg at everyone completely different. I hope you are right and the father of 5 was a P! Makes me feel a little better but I cant stop thinking that I ride a Motor Bike! Quite dangerous and thrilling but I think I am so far from a P!
Mind you, I did get into the sport because of my ex P as well as boat racing, motorbikes did it for him too and cheating. Although he did say to me after we married he wanted one relationship that his parents would think he has changed and one relationship he was faithful too. I think it killed him to stay faithful for 5 years, it was only ever a matter of time! He started to say all the time after a couple of years into marriage “if you dont give it too me, I will go out and get it from somewhere else” Felt like Mental Rape half the time! :-/
Dear Dani,
Oh, yea, “mental rape”—the threats–“give IT” to HIM, like “It” was a commodity or some kind.
I used to ride a motorbike when I was younger, fearless and untouchable, but I quit that eventually and stay off them now because of the fact I worked in head and spinal cord trauma for a while and almost all our patients were from MC accidents and a few other things of that sort. I wouldn’t let my kids have a MC but I bought them a horse. They wanted to ride MCs and Bulls so I said “Okay, I will take a baseball bat and breakk all your bones, and we will skip the part where we go to the rodeo or buy the MC” LOL
MY P-son stole MC bikes but never bought one as far as I know, but I think if I had said “stay off tricycles” he would have stolen one of those to show me he COULD DO IT!” LOL
I’ve done lots of “adventure” type things from MCs and horses and airplanes, so I am a “risk taker” too, but tried to do them SAFELY not “hot dog” them. My son D is a mountain climber but is a NUT case on safety! My husband was a pilot but was a TOTAL nut about being SAFE. He spent his life in the air, flying was his life, and he died as a result of an accident someone else caused in a plane. But, he died doing what he loved so I guess it could have been worse.
There was actually a genetic link discovered to “risk taking” and they estimated about 15% of the population in US and Europe had it. Okay, that’s fine, you can be a risk taker and NOT a P, but Ps TEND to ALSO be high risk takers as well.
There is a higher than to be expected number of Ps that are LEFT HANDED too (my P son is left handed) but of course NOT all left handed people are Ps! More people who are Ps are ADHD and BI-POLAR that “normal” people too, and these are all things that are genetics-linked but it isn’t ONE gene that causes any of them as far as I know. Plus, there is only about an 80% correlation between identical twins if one is a P the other one is also, so there is some environmental things too.
But, that said, you will find more Ps in the “high risk taking” group than in the non-high risk taking group I would think.
I knew a woman who was a P herself, but she seemed to like to hook up with MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS who also happened as it were were mostly Ps—and frankly she ended up becoming a victim of them as they were bigger and stronger, but didn’t mean just because they out-did her in the P department that she wasn’t also one. LOL
I am attracted to a higher risk taking group, and I think many of us are because they are “exciting” but I think also we need to be VERY careful that we screen for OTHER THINGS in their nature, like DISHONESTY or cruelty of any kind.
My P son is a high risk taker, always has been, but dishonest, so it doesn’t take anyone who isn’t a criminal or his mother long to figure out he isn’t worth the C-4 to blow his head off. It took me a long time to get out from under his spell because I loved him, but I’m out now! That’s for sure!
I never caught on to WHY the S always dragged home….famous peeps, rich peeps…..peeps with nice cars….toys. yadayada……
He always told the GREATEST stories…..had peeps wishing they were him…..even siad that to him……YOu have the best life…..I wish I was you…..
Only fed his shit pile!
NOW….being away….I see how hard he works at collecting famous or infamous peeps around him…..for at least one ‘good’ story to tell others…..and what he can grab from them along theway……it’s a very interesting ‘talent’…..that NO ONE would suspect…..
For him….it’s easy…..he sucks people in with food…..he can cook/bake whatever…..he did this professionally for a long while……in high end restaurants…..
What I found was……there isn’t a person on earth that doesn’t get off on a good meal….prepared for them…….
He suckered my parents this way…..after he diagnosed me as ‘Crazy’……he would go buy lobsters and steaks and whatever…..and cook up a storm……
Think about it…..people were always happy to buy the grocieries…..(intheir minds, it was the least they could do)….and it certainly was no skin off his back to cook it and get the glory….and the OMG”S….and wows……
Can ya see the picture here…..
I started referring to my parents as food whores…..
Family would visit from England and he’s show up 8.5 hours away at mom and pops house…..and cook for them ALL……
They’d get a better meal than in a fine restaurant….and much cheaper too……and at home so they could drink more….
was a win-win situation for them……
Little did they know…their food whore ways…..were opening them up to being robbed later by him…..
HA….choke on that!!!!!
You can see how food can be his ‘tool’…..to gather up his supply and future targets……or dupes or trojans……it’s his major tool……
Everyone always loved to have dickhead around…..
If youu put him in a social situation…..like invite him as a guest to a party…..he ALWAYS landed up in thekitchen……he used to say he was uncomfortable as a guest……
then, he’d start cleaning up……and ALL the ladies would look at me and oogle and awe and say…..Oh….you SO LUCKY……
He’s so awesome….
Yeah….so awesome….get cancer and see how awesome he is….have kids with the fuck and see how awesome he is…..have him maintain your car and see how far your walking….pretty awesome…..see how awesome he is at breaking up a family…..yeah….se how awesome he is at using your husbands dildo…..or sucking on things he shouldn’t have been……yeah….see how great he is at degrading his wife……supporting her…..putting his family in danger with drugs…..and the law….shall I continue…..
YEAH……HE”S FUCKING GREAT…..so what….he cooks!?!?!?!
OMG OXD! I feel much better for your post and guess what? My ex P is (left handed) so many things jumped out at me in your post and I am very sorry to hear about your husband.
I always felt for my ex P parents as being european they felt responsible and tried to protect and help (enable) him until the end. If he didn’t get what he wanted from them, he would just stop talking to them, sometimes for a year at a time and then he would yell at them when there tried to make amends. There were many periods of no contact and it broke his parents hearts as they had no idea what was wrong with him and of course even after everything they loved him.
His mum openly would say when she was alive to me ” I dont like him but I love him” Being a parent myself, it would be heart breaking to have a P child. It is a little easier for ones that can get away, harder for ones with children to them and even worse I would think to raise one. My ex in laws because of there culture whom “family is everything” were tormented, hurt and a lot of the time emarrassed be P but couldn’t let go. Or should I say P wouldn’t let them go because he always needed them to pay for and get him out of trouble.
You are admirable to rise above and protect yourself from what you know your life would be being apart of his life. I always say to people too when they ask me what the hell was I doing with a guy like that and I respond “I was under his spell” Only way I can discribe it! 🙂 🙂 🙂
LMAO Erin! lets prey he chokes on a big fat chicken bone! Such pillars of society arn’t they? Yer I felt so f’n lucky to be with mine too! And when people that didn’t know him were praising him to me I just wanted to scream! only I was too scared too as the moment we got home I would have had my head rammed into a wall! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Kim you wrote above about
“a P would be fearless in combat and rush in, but not even think twice to want to rescue a fellow wounded soldier”
This resonated with me ..in that it brought back one of the biggest red flags for me — and even though I was healthy enough and mentally strong enough at the time to say something to him about my uncomfortable feeling — I still managed to stay. But in the moment and still to this day, it haunts me.
One winter night, we were exchanging texts and he said he was going to go over to his friends house…I said wow, you are always going out with the boys, you havent taken me out in forever. He joked, I joked back but said it a few times. He ended up calling a few hours later and asked if I wanted to “hang out” I said no, but I would go to a movie or get a drink, or do something fun w/him. He begrudgingly came over and got me, was none to thrilled and made me feel awful for having asked to go out, but he said fine – Ill appease you because “I never go anywhere with you” mocking me… I felt yucky right then of course so my night was basically shot. So point of my story – is we went to a friend of his Bar — like a scene out of “Cheers” local, fun, games, dancing… we sat at bar on bar stools situated on top of cobblestone floor (historic building) I remember we were having a great conversation with his friend talking about our ski adventures (he doesnt ski) but I was really having a nice time. I had taken off my coat – it was a long camel coat lined with silk..I went to the ladies room and came back..as I sat on the stool the silk lining slid off the stool taking me along with it! I landed flat on my arse right next to him. (let me also add, I had one beer as I just dont care for alcohol) but I was rather taken off guard to find myself really hurting on the floor and a bit flustered, I looked up at him and he was just staring down at me with a blank stare with almost disbelief ??? Do you know — his bartender friend jumped the bar and he said omg let me help you up… fast forward next day I found out I had fractured my coxis bone in my low back… I just couldnt get past the look on his face, his lack of wanting to even reach out a hand to me or just knee jerk response to try to catch or help me…I actually said to him I cant believe you didnt immediately turn to help me up – ?? And even more so because a week prior he shared that he was in NYC with a bunch of people and some of the females dating or married to his friends were being all crazy and got up on a bar and he made a point to say he made sure he protected them (hes 6ft7) and didnt want them to get hurt – he had just boasted about being that kind of guy whenever out with everyone – he just looks out for them. And there I was down on the ground and he just sat there. I KNOW HE THOUGHT I HAD EMBARRASSED HIM OR I WAS DRUNK – and he just stared and glared at me. It was probably only seconds but it felt like an eternity because place was crowded and i was wedged between stool and bar… and I said EVEN if I had too much too drink – who doesnt help their date, their friend a stranger? His response — oh, I see, so because i didnt do what you expected youre going to give me shit. Great…
But my instinct was telling me – any other friend, or stranger would have helped me, would have asked if I was ok. It just felt so strange to me..so cold.
I just never forgot that night and the look on his face and his complete lack of any compassion.
Dear LTL, thanks for that story, I can definitely SEE that scene in the bar! Yep! It never even crossed his mind that he should help you up, first off he was MAD cause he “had to” take you out and he would much rather have been with someone “fun”—like impressing his next victim or searching for one! LOL
To him, you were just causing more problems–OUCH!
Sorry about your broken tail bone, they are painful! But in retrospect, that was the least of your problems. (((Hugs)))
Yes Oxy – it sure turned out to be the least of my problems with him.
It just was my aha moment, that night, has always stood out as the night I questioned so much about him, myself and what the point was to our story. He treated me terribly. So many lies and stealing money and game playing and manipulating… I really cant say I remember much of the person i was back then (just a few years ago)…I spent so much time trying to save it, or help him or make excuses for all the wrongdoings. Its a time in my life, Id truly like to forget on one level, but on another i want fresh reminders of how to not let myself be with someone, and how not to let myself be treated by someone as well.
(((Thanks))) Oxy
I just heard that Tiger Wood$ i$ playing in the Ma$ter’s Tournament next month.
Boy….it seems like it was just a month ago that he was apologizing to everyone, and promising to get himself together.
Oh wait….according to my post above, it WAS JUST LAST MONTH!!!
I remember him saying during that press conference that he did not know when he would return to golf, but he was not ruling out this year.
There’s no way he could NOT have known that he was playing at the Masters during his press conference.
The press conference was just 30 days ago….less than 60 days before the Masters.
He’s a professional golfer. There’s no way he did NOT know he would be playing in the Masters at that time.
He should have just been honest and said he was going to be taking a 30 day absence, and then was planning on playing in the Masters Tournament in April. What is the big deal?
Why do they (liars & cheaters) always have to be so evasive and secretive about EVERYTHING?
The secrets have pretty much all spilled out anyway.
Actually, I don’t think women are allowed at the Augusta Golf Club (sexism), so he should be pretty safe there…..