UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Margie.” She was still in love with the jerk she met — even after learning he was a criminal.
One night I went to a bar by myself (but always knew someone there). I sat at the bar next to this lady I knew and started talking to her. Well Steve (my ex-sociopath—not his real name) was sitting next to her talking to her. I thought he was kind of cute so started flirting. He actually said to me that night, “I think I like you better,” like he had his sights on my friend first. He bought me a flower and all my drinks the rest of the night. Well that should have been my first and only red flag to run, but I didn’t! But stupid, naive me (never dealing with a sociopath before that is) fell for his good looks, as he was 6’1″, blond and blue eyes and had a football player’s body!
Well he told me he had to catch a bus in the morning to Fargo, ND to his mother’s house that he could not miss. I had NO idea he was just let out of prison! Well we proceeded to drink and get totally drunk that night and ended up at my cozy apartment that I lived in alone. The next morning we overslept and he missed his bus (which he should not have because he was to report to Fargo, ND to set up his parole!) and he wasn’t overly upset about it.
Read more: “Personality disorder” as an excuse for criminal behavior
So he stayed on at my house…the first couple of days I thought nothing of it but then I wondered, well, if you are not worried about getting to Fargo, why aren’t you finding a job then?! And at first he was so attentive — he would open the door for me — carry the groceries — cook and clean for me — etc — but was on the computer playing poker and needed his beer constantly like he hadn’t had it in years (which he hadn’t and I didn’t know that — yet!).
Well — finally — my snoopiness (detectiveness) got the best of me and I looked through his belongings in my car trunk. I found parole papers! And I thought — Oh my god! But I was already in Love (lust) with the jerk! So I thought, okay — he loves me — we can make this work — so what if he is on parole.
Stranded
So for awhile, I went to work at my waitress job and picked up beer daily and we drank daily. I relaxed while he sat on the computer playing poker and smoking his cigs and drinking his beer. (He was also emailing many other women I found out later after only being at my place a week!) We then took a weekend trip to North Dakota that turned into a week long trip of me being stranded with no money up there and having to pawn off my 1/3 carat diamond ring to get gas to get home with. Then there was the matter of having to straighten out the bad checks mess he had conned me into writing for beer, food, etc — while in North Dakota (Not to mention the two bar tables he conned out of a bar owner, one of which has his pic on it when he worked there in college)!
And let me add, while he was wooing me at the bar when I met him, he had told me things like he had been a professional football player in Canada. He said he was a college graduate from Jamestown, ND (which was true when I talked to his ex-wife on the phone once), and many, many other lies of great magnitude!
Anyway, we get back from ND and things resume — I am job hunting cause I lost my job at due to us not being able to make it back from being stranded up there! I get a waitress job at Denny’s restaurant then and keep working and coming home with beer (what an enabler I was for god’s sake!) and drinking. All the while he is wooing me with comments like, “I will love you till the end of the earth,” and still cooking for me, etc.
Drums up a story
Then one weekend he drums up the story that they called him from his old professional football team in Canada and they wanted him back and that he had to leave for the weekend (which was Labor Day weekend) for tryouts again. Well as stupid as I was, I believed him (sort of) BUT was beginning to wonder at this point. Well he said some woman was coming to pick him up for this trip — and that is when I KNEW something was not right! My gut said check into this! So anyhow, I had also bought him bottles of vodka besides the beer — he asked me to go get him a little bottle before he left. He claimed he really didn’t want to leave me. Well he even got to the point of being teary-eyed (which was probably all a act now that I think about it) when he was saying goodbye. He packed my 4 man tent with him, which I don’t know why, but he had a lie for that too! This all happened about 2 years ago so it’s getting a bit fuzzy now trying to recall everything.
But, I was alone — he was gone — I had my computer. I had been married to a computer network engineer and was not totally computer illiterate and had a college education (B.S. in Psychology with a Criminal Justice minor). I started pulling up web pages he had been too and somehow was able to recover his password by using my credit card to pay for a website he had been too. By luck it was the same password he had used for hotmail and yahoo and everything! Jackpot!
I read everything in and out and figured out where he went! He met a woman from Narcotics Anonymous in Iowa and went to a church camp retreat with her that Labor Day weekend! Well as good as I am with my detectiveness (lol), I called Narcotics Anonymous and got her phone number (cell even!) and called her and him up! I called and harassed them ALL weekend to the point she said she was going to call her lawyer — and I said DO IT! Cause I knew I had him! He was running from the law — but she had bought in to all his lies and was treating me like crap! Well I even called the cops to go get him arrested at this camp — but do you think the cops believed me! HELL NO — DO THEY EVER! So I guess I had to drop it at this point.
But about a month later I got a call from her and she said — “Okay — I believe you now. He just took off to get some stuff of his in North Dakota and he never came back with the rental car so I filed grand theft charges. Well I gave her all the info she needed to find him but told her she better drop the grand theft charges cause she might be liable somehow for letting him take the car that was in her name! She must have listened cause I never heard he was charged with that, but all my work paid off and he went back to prison for 8 months for being AWOL!
Still in love with the jerk
But it doesn’t end here — I was still in love with the jerk! I wrote to him in prison (90 miles away) and we started corresponding to the point I was hooked again. I sent him stuff, money, letters, and visited faithfully like any good woman (blindly in love) would do! I went as far as finding a house close to the prison when he got work release so he could come visit me every chance he got! Then when he got out of work release, he moved in with me for a bit but was determined to find his own place. That I thought was a dead giveaway — he did not care for me after all.
He was saying his parole officer told him he had to do this and that. But a lot of it did not make sense to me since the other people I was talking to about this said differently. I had many more doubts in my mind at this time! So he got his own little apartment and then I moved from my house to an apartment closer to his. We hung out and drank a lot more, but there were times he wanted me to leave. Geez — I am not that stupid when someone is trying to ditch me!
Married in 3 weeks
Anyway, my suspicions grew and I would check up on him all the time. And then he started to be more distant. Then one day around the end of October around Halloween — he all of a sudden quit coming over, quit calling, an absolute no show! No word from him ever again — he would not answer my phone calls and he was never home. I then found out later he met a woman on singlesnet online and married her within 3 weeks of meeting her! Well I then followed him home after work one night and figured out where he now lived and then saw him and her together and figured out what she drove. I then figured out where she worked and followed her home from work one day and told her this whole exact story! That is when she said, “Thanks — I think.” But I did have many emails and phone calls from his family during this duration and even his own mother and daughter said I was better off without him! If that isn’t a sociopath — I don’t know what is!
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 17, 2010.
10 reasons why sociopaths’ lies seem so believable
It took me 11 months of shock, pain and anger to get to this point.
erin1972,
Silver said it best. Towanda for you for ariving at the place where you were meant to be led to after this experience.
The anger and guilt directed at ourselves, for many, feels unfair and seems like one of those things we would rather “skip over” and just move to the next phase. However it really is the most important part of the healing journey. And without coming face to face with ourselves and why we did overlook what we did to remain in such a relationship, we really risk ourselves again in the future.
As you say, here is where the real work begins. Learning to trust our own insticts. And not just to trust them but to act on them. Why we didn’t do that, begins to unfold in this part of the process. Some times we have to face our unresolved issues from childhhod. It is painful but worth it.
and I believe once we open that pandoras box, we understand that it continues to be a process….We are never done. We just keep trying to be the best that we can be. It really is a journey and not a destination.
wits-you’re right. I just finished reading Barbara Bentley and it made me feel better, even though I reacted violently to it. Her story was not like mine. I was afraid that I was so far gone into this pattern with these guys that I was unable to even recognize red flags-let alone name them. Every time John Perry did something in that book and her reactions-red flags with giant red flashing lights were going off with me. The more I read, I wanted to grab her and shake her and say pay attention-THIS IS NOT IN ANY WAY NORMAL AND SHOULD NOT BE ACCEPTED! I do have instincts left. I was afraid because I am going into law enforcement and I was defeated-thinking when did I get so bad at reading people? I am really good at it-except when it comes to my heart. If I am reading other people that are not relationship material-no problem. I am beginning to think about childhood, but I told Kim last night. I have blocked out a lot of childhood and I need to figure how to pull it out. It has a lot to do with my parents-I do know that!
erin1972,
I think it is always important to remember that it was our emotions that got in our way when dealing with our personal experience with the s/p/n.
If we had seen a girlfriend or a daughter or any other female that we know, in the exact same realationship such as we have experienced with the s/p/n we would have likely spotted the red flags and told them to run for the hills.
Its much easier to spot this when we can view it from afar. It is only when our emotions are involved that we are able to overlook that inner voice inside of our head.
Just got back from the show….sad that it ended. It had alot of meaning in it. Footloose…..if anyone knows the story.
The “reverend” and his wife were hanging onto the past..their son being killed. They banned “dancing” in the town, since the kids that went off of the bridge had just left a dance that night.
And….the boy from the city (chicago), had a loss too. His father abandoned his mother and him. The “new city kid” and the “reverend” both experienced loss. The city kid had alot of ANGER in him…as did the “reverend” and his daughter.
So, the city kid brings “life” back to the reverend when he makes him realize that you cannot stop living just because of a loss. You must grieve and move on. The town gets “life” back to it. (Amazing actors and singers in my town!…never knew it!….)
Anyway, I’m sure everyone in the building could relate to it.
The star of the play, the city kid, in his REAL life…has a Dad who is dying of cancer! I’m sure this is what he was drawing his emotion from. He was EXCELLENT. It was better than Broadway!
And, it got me thinking about my life….and the loss of a dream that I found someone who really loved me.
The reason its so hard to “get over” these relationships..is because they aren’t the NORMAL relationship. (can’t be…with a disordered person!) Its NOT normal to come on so strong…until you really get to know someone. With me, because I worked with the Xbf monster, for two years prior to dating him…I ‘assumed’ that he KNEW me and loved me all along. But, even so…you DON”T know someone you just work with…on an intimate, personal level. It takes time.
These socios may “think” they are in LOVE with us. But, really , they are only in love with what we are giving them…our undivided ATTENTION at the start…because they come on so strong…they make us feel that we can “let go” and give them what we THINK they are feeling for us.
I remember my xbf telling me after a week…how he NEVER felt so strong about someone before…etc…etc.. NOW, I am SURE he used these same words with other women..who he felt were going to give him attention and sex too.
So, they come on strong, get our emotions going..and then we are giving them our all. They know how to get us hooked.
Once we are hooked…they can do whatever they please…secure that we “love” them too…and won’t take our attention and sex away from them.
They are textbook. They borrow a small amount of money over and over and pay it back! This way…we TRUST them. Then they ask for a BIG amount and we give it to them!
So, their LIES and DECEPTIONS suck us in. You can have a genius IQ and get fooled by them!
We aren’t stupid or weak. Well..maybe a weakness there!….
The weakness is our KINDNESS and COMPASSION.
In fact, the Xbf used to tell me…”People mistake kindness for weakness” >>>WHen I think of some of the things he SAID to me…it was practically biting me and I didn’t see it!!!
OH…but I FELT it!!! Something in me kept saying….”This is too good to be true!” and you know what the rest of THAT saying goes like!!!
Well….THIS is what makes it hard to forget. He once said to me..”Tell me..NO man ever loved you the way I do, right?”
Wow!! I thought about it and said…”Nope, your’e right”
You know…if he would have NOT come on so strong with the “I love you”s ….and just pretty much set the stage that he wanted to enjoy having sex with me and being friends…
I would have known …and ended it so that I could meet someone else that wanted what I wanted …a real realationship.
I can’t tell you how many times I said to him..”I want a REAL relationship!!” when we had an argument.
It WASN”T REAL. NEVER.
This is the part that I feel hurts me the most….that he made it seem like it was REAL….told me what he thought would keep me around…even “played” like it was REAL….when he saw me pulling away….would take me out or wine and dine me a bit more…so I wouldn’t leave him.
It was SO confusing and I will never STAY in anything like that again!!!
Just some thoughts..more to come.
I
OH, another thing…
If “I” was in a NORMAL state of mind when I accepted a “date” from him, after working with him for two years prior…
I would have said..”wait a minute…he wants to date me after two years of knowing him at work? why not earlier??”
The fact is that he didn’t like me all along..he was after another woman I worked with…who acted like a slut..said dirty things all day…showed off her big T*ts everyday, and was desparate for a man to have sex with! Only SHE didn’t want him and he heard this from another person on the job!!
So, he was so desparate for “sex” he targetted ME…once he heard me announce that I was going to start dating again!!!
He doesn’t even know that I know that he wanted to “get with” this other woman…his EXACT words to another colleague.
WOW! I am realizing how lonely and insecure and desperate “I” was!!!
So…I was fooling MYSELF all along! I KNEW he didn’t really LOVE me….but his friggin WORDS confused me!!!
THIS is what I am beating myself up about now. THIS is why I am having trouble “getting over” it.
He said to me..when we broke up…and I wanted to tell him off…”Whats the matter…you can’t move on??”
The NERVE of him!!!!
The fact is that last time I ended it…HE obviously couldn’t MOVE ON. HE was the one who came back PLEADING for forgiveness for what he did…(which he NEVER told me what he did….) never admitted it anyway! (he cheated on me)
The psychologist I saw in the summer told me…”When you meet a guy..if TWO of your friends/family don’t like the SAME thing about the guy….RUN!!!
Well..my entire family (siblings) as well as my own kids..did NOT like him from hello!!!!
Live and friggin learn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another thing…I would never even meet a guy who was “separated” or just “recently divorced”. THAT was a rule I had….because I KNEW that it takes time to “get over” someone and I never wanted to get involved with anyone unless they were Physically away and Emotionally over someone else..
He wasn’t recently divorced…but he was living with a woman a few months before we started dating! I made excuses for him because he told me that it was over a LONG time before she moved out!!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!!
Sticking to my OLD RULES….AND …my NEW ones too.
UNTIL I am SECURE with myself….like who I am…NOT lonely ….I am NOT going to even accept a date with ANY man.
Final answer.
Tobe-I hear you on all that girl, from both of your posts. Mine made me feel the same way. I am fixing things about me that I don’t like. I won’t date anyone until I am through my police academy and my field and become a full fledged officer. LOSING some stupid is never going to keep me from getting what I want. My police mentor is 10 years older than me-like a big sister-we actually look freakishly alike. This will be one more way that we are alike. She quit dating because all the guys she dated were awful. She knew everything that happened with my ex. Every time I would talk about it, she told me it made her blood pressure go up and her face would get red-cuz she was mad at what he did. It’s all over now-THANK GOD and I’m so glad it ended the way it did. He had to discard me and it was the best thing that could have happened.
Yes Erin….
In a sense, these monsters were GIFTS to us. They triggered alot of our OWN insecurity, our OWN low self worth, our OWN childhood “issues”.
When I divorced my xhusb socio…I thought that the AWARENESS of what I discovered he was …after the divorce, and the TIME that I didn’t get involved with anyone, HEALED me!!!
Boy, was I wrong wrong wrong….
I had announced at work..that I was going to start dating. I finally lost about 15 lbs somehow and felt “good” about myself and I announced in the room…(with the monster there) that “I am going to start dating…go to the gym to lose more weight…and live my life because my kids are older now”
Well…at that point, had I gone to the gym…started reading more…and spent a good year feeling better about myself and THEN started dating…I would have been ok.
But, the DEVIL zoomed right in on my words…and asked me for my phone number.
The first thing he said was..”Hey listen, you are always saying , at work…how ugly you are, etc.. Well, I think you are very pretty and you don’t give yourself credit. You are really pretty and shouldn’t sell yourself short. Can we go out?”
I was really shocked because I thought he didn’t even notice me. It was the first man who asked me out…since I never really went out alot…unless it was with my kids.
I was VULNERABLE to the extreme..and HE knew it!!!!
PERFECT target! Single lonely mom..who has low self esteem.
When he came on so strong so fast…I completely forgot about all I read and discovered about my xhusb socio.
THIS guy didn’t seem abusive..he was always polite…educated…(unlike my x) and older (unlike my xH)
I completely FORGOT that my xhusb was SO nice and polite too at the beginning!
So,….I was in NO shape to be starting a new relationship! I was NOT healed from the xhusb sociopath.
I had NO time to read in the years before I got involved with him…I was actually worse than I was when I was with the xhusb.
Now, I had 3 kids and I was older…and more weight on me…so I was MORE vulnerable than when I met my xhusb.
At THAT time..I was single..had a great job, money, security, looks to kill for….and I was STILL insecure and lonely!!!
So, I had NO business even accepting a date with this man.
It only took ONE date for him to suck me in deeply!!
Looking back, if I would have said..”Ok..lets go out and have fun…”court” …and NOT jumped into bed with him so fast…He would have left me alone. He needed sex. Thats why he wanted me.
One time, he texted me…and said…
“I just want your attention”….(and sex too)
Yes, I was weak when we started ….but he weakened me MORE!
I’m glad that he decided to move back in with his Xg/f as a “friend” and shifted the guilt and told me..”I can’t believe you aren’t supporting me with my financial problem” HA!!!
He expected me to believe that there was “nothing between them…she has a b/f…” and continue to see him!
I told him, when we got back from Florida that I didn’t want to continue the r/s..”I am not the woman for you”….and he went NUTS!!!
He got ANGRY because I wanted time to think. In those ten days…the ANGER built up and he figured he’d zap me and move back in with her…and take a chance to try to keep me hanging on!
THEY HAVE NERVE!!!!
Only, it backfired on him. I didn’t fall for his game this time…as he thought I would. He even wanted to pay for some of my bills…ANYTHING to keep me giving him sex!!!
I refused any money…THANK GOD!! that would have just kept him tied to me. And…I told him it was OVER.
So…yes..it was a gift that he came and left.
Tobe-if mine hadn’t have discarded me, I would have ended up in a stalking situation and having to deal with his desperation. I tried to end it with him several times, after he was mean to me and he begged, pleaded and starting acting like a little boy and always managed to smooth it over-promise to spend more time together, etc. If I had broken up with him and ended the supply, he NEVER would have left me alone.
Also, thank God his stupid wife took him back. If she hadn’t, and continued with the divorce, he would have lost it completely and blamed me for his marriage and social status and I fully expect I would be fearing for my life right now. I truly believe he would have tried to kill me. Prior to us breaking up, I never in a million years would have expected him to physically hurt me.
So good for her for taking him back. I’m when it all blows over and she finally lets her guard down again, he will do it again. He will have a hard time pulling it off for awhile. She got a PI on him as soon as she found out about us. I just hope that he doesn’t try to get me back. One of my friends is convinced that I haven’t heard the last from him.
The biggest thing that bothers me now is that I don’t know who he may have slept with and then come to MY bed. Emotionally, I’m not upset anymore-just really grossed out thinking of it.
It’s awfuly quiet out there. Yo-hoo. Anybody home?